The Joy of Idol

As Roy Orbison said, It's o-o-ver

2010-06-02T22:10:00.021-04:00

Well, then.

Before I leap into recapping, I need to review the events of my evening and, in fact, contemplate my entire life.

Last week, blogger BeckEye (awesome Web site — check it out; I love her recaps a zillion times more than Television Without Pity's) expressed surprise that I'd never heard U2's "Beautiful Day." I guess it's possible that I've heard it . . . but I definitely don't know it.

I'm not, as I've said, so much a fan of the current modern songs of today. To me, the music you young people listen to is mostly unmelodic and unpretty. A thumping beat, without much else to recommend it. But that's fine. You listen to your music, I'll listen to mine — we can all get along!

But tonight I had a crushing disappointment. There's an event I look forward to all year — the annual meeting of the company I sort of work for. We have a business presentation for an hour (snore), but then there's free hooch and free food and a band and dancing! I love to dance, and I don't get to do it very often. I hang out with my blogging sister Mrs. Cynicletary and her handsome husband, and we dance the night away.

And we also mock the band, a little, as they tend to play the exact same songs every single year. Of course, the only one I can remember at the moment (it's late) is "Brick House." So, imagine "Brick House" played over and over, for two hours —that's pretty much what we're dancing to. It's very predictable and, yes, not remotely contemporary.

But here's the thing. I know "Brick House." I like "Brick House." And while I wouldn't mind dancing to, say, "Single Ladies" or "Bad Romance" (a song I only learned to like from watching "Glee"), frankly, I'm perfectly happy to dance to "Brick House."

But this year, we didn't hire the band. We hired a DJ. And he played almost nothing but current modern songs of today, none of which I knew, none of which I liked, and none of which I wanted to dance to.

I danced to exactly one song, early in the evening: "September" by Earth Wind and Fire. Then I stood on the sidelines with my jaw agape, listening to crap song after crap song. And finally, I went home.

I can't tell you how disappointed I am!!!!

So why does a girl who listens to a soft-rock station, when she's not listening to CDs of Motown, '70s'-ish pop, and show tunes, blog about American Idol? (A show that many people say would be improved by the addition of more modern music, which I would hate?) Good question. I'm doing it because Brunie stuck a URL in my hand and said, "We're writing a blog about Idol now." And for a few years, it was a lot of fun. But this year? Not so much. And unless they hire a judge or two who knocks my socks off, I think this will probably be my swan song.

But having said that, I want to wrap things up properly and blog the finale, which I did watch in real time. (I guess I needed a week or two to . . . savor it. Yeah. That's why I haven't written yet. I've been savoring.)

THE FINALE

Crystal appears, in a Catholic schoolgirl fetish outfit.

Li'l Martini: "She looks like a nerd."
Me: "I think she looks cute."
Li'l Martini: "You like nerds?"

All the Idolettes then appear dressed as naughty schoolkids, with all the menace of a tardy Osmond. School's out for summer, people! Except, it's only May. Alice Cooper looks semi-cadaverous.

Kris Allen sings . . . something. How happy he must be to hand over the crown of Most Boring Idol. (Oops — spoiler!)

Siobhan and Aaron torture me with slo-mo Bee Gees, then we're joined by two-thirds of the actual Bee Gees, who turn up the tempo just a wee bit. I note that Barry can no longer do the "false." Listen, I'm old and my feet are swelling in the heat; I'm feeling you, Barry. "How Deep Is Your Love?" is my favorite slow-dance song, because it has just enough of a rhythm to get some serious grinding action going. You know, if you're into that sort of thing. I'm a proper married lady now, and Mr. Lady Chardonnay doesn't really dance. But every once in a while, I play "How Deep Is Your Love?" and dance with my hubby in the living room. Slow dancing is a beautiful thing.

Okay, out of my living room and back to Idol. It makes me sad to see Barry and Robin and then remember that Maurice and Andy are dead. They should have brought back Blake Lewis, Chris Sligh, and the rest of the foursome who rocked "How Deep Is Your Love (Love Love Love Love)?" during Hollywood Week. That would have been awesome. This is just sad.

Big Mike's in the house, singing "Takin' It to the Street" with Michael McDonald. For a moment, I wonder if Taylor Hicks will join them, as he sings this song on the Season 5 CD. But it's a Taylor-free moment. And folks, if I'm thinking that a dash of Taylor Hicks will liven things up, we are in dire straits indeed.

Simon is NOT enjoying the Dane Cook song, which, perversely, makes me enjoy it a little more.

The girls come out for a girly group sing of Christina Aguilera's "Beautiful," a draggy boring song I am thoroughly sick of, but they sound very lovely singing together. And yet, I am haunted by déjà vu.

Me: "Haven't they sung this already this season?"
Mimosa: "You're thinking of 'Glee.'"

The girls sound demented singing the second song. I fidget. Christina sings. I yawn. A lot.

Ricky Gervais is a riot.

The boys sing that they can't go for that, then they switch to "Maneater." OK, they're not contemporary in the least, but these are way more fun songs. (Also fun: marveling over Timmy's tan! He's Malibu Ken!) I'm happy. Casey looks relaxed and sounds great, making me more sure than ever that he deliberately dropped the ball, for whatever reason.

Crystal sings some Alanis and is soon joined by Ms. Morissette, and they gyrate around the stage with almost no interaction. Weird. Bring on da quirk, bring on da wack.

The world's two most diffident finalists thank Ford, quietly, for their new cars. Mimosa and I go into hysterics imitating them.

Casey sings of roses and thorns with balding Brett Michaels.

Lee sings a Chicago medley. Again, not contemporary, and again, I'm happy. In fact, I'm in total heaven. I love this crazy band! I, ahem, "became a woman" to "Color My World." And no, I don't mean I got my period. Shortly thereafter, my first college beau chose "Just You and Me" as our song. I sing along with Lee (and, it may be worth noting, no one in my house yells, "Quiet, Mom! We want to hear Lee's beautiful voice!") and have a swell time.

First reaction upon seeing Paula: How cool that she's here! She looks fabulous!!

Second reaction, moments later: Ooooookay then.

Well, Paula's as nutcase bonkers as ever, but it's still great to see her. One question: In all the footage in the Paula Memory Reel, is there a single clip of her and Kara? Hmm.

All the Idols but David Cook are here, and they sound perfectly lovely together. I get a little misty. That was a cool moment. Then they're joined by many former Idolettes, in virginal white, and there's so many, I can hardly see them all. And then it's over. Well, that was odd.

Simon sweetly thanks us, the audience, and says, "You guys are really the judge of the show."

Me: "Wow, that was really nice."
Me and Mimosa, in unison: "And it's true."
Mimosa: "Pickle jinx!"

Child.

Janet Jackson sings, like, twenty songs. Is this some weird attempt to connect Idol to Michael? I grow weary. Just get to the end already. And I have to say, I have this incredible anticlimactic sense — I grow ever more sure that the winner is the underwhelming and thoroughly outsung Lee.

Randy informs us that "Tonight is about Crystal and Lee," and Mimosa and I guffaw.

I have nothing to say about Joe Cocker.

The winner is crowned, and it's indeed Lee. "How do you feel?" Ryan asks. "I can't say," says Lee, as inarticulate as ever. He sings that well-known U2 song, sounds fine, confetti falls, whatever. We'll see how well his album does. I don't think Kris Allen needs to lose any sleep.

I am glad this season is over.

Thanks for reading! Have a wonderful summer.

Lady Chardonnay, OUT!

"That was a kiss on the cheek, when I wanted a kiss on the lips!"

2010-05-25T23:29:00.008-04:00

It's almost the finale, woo-hoo! Only one more night of the dullest season evah, yeah! A duel to the finish, yee-haw!

Right.

The opening montage is kind of fun, seeing Lee and Crystal on Day 1, looking geeky and hopeful and so very, very young. Man, this show is not good for the skin. Lee went from dewy youth to middle-aged man in a few short months.

During those early days, who predicted that it would be Lee and Crystal at the end? Crystal, yes, but Lee? It took me half a season to remember how to pronounce his last name.

And Lee's singing first, with his favorite song from the entire season, which to my total astonishment is not "Treat Her Like a Lady," the performance where everything changed for him, but "The Boxer," a song from one of the episodes I missed (Songs of Inspiration Night? whatev). And what a weird choice. The judges have been urging Lee to really break out and go for it all season, so he sings a sleepy tune from lo these many decades ago, brings nothing really new to it, and encourages us all to take a collective catnap. I guess if you're a Lee fan this was good; he didn't do anything wrong, per se. But am I jumping to my feet, as I did after nearly every song during last year's sing-off? (Ah, Kris. Ah, Adam. Sigh.) No sirree, Bob! I am not jumping.

"This night's gonna come down to a duel to the finish!" Randy orates nonsensically, as I howl. Well, that was fun.

Crystal sings "Me and Bobby McGee," which I was glad about, because I also missed this one the first time (how could I have missed so many shows this season when I feel like I spent 99 hours with this crowd???), and she's fine, though I can barely understand a word (it's hot here, I have the fan on; is that it?). Not her greatest performance, but fine.

Why did both kids pick songs with long strings of nonsense syllables? Of all the songs from their entire season . . . Oh, youth today.

Hey, Simon doesn't declare the winner of Round 1! Though I loathe this tic of his, I am strangely LOST without it. (Shout-out!)

Lee's next song is "Everybody Hurts," which I am un-sick of and eager to hear Lee sing. I think he sounds quite beautiful, and I like his more up-tempo version. The judges don't think his voice sounded as pretty as I did (I long for Harry Connick at this moment, yelling at the camera, "Pitchy is not a word!") but they're generally more pleased, 'cause now he's in it to win it, instead of — I dunno, in it for the cute clothes?

(Hey, did you hear that Kara's lobbying for Harry Connick Jr. to replace Simon? Now that, I might actually watch.)

Crystal sings "Black Velvet," which I don't know — am I really the only one? This show has made me face the fact that I know maybe 10 songs written after my formative years. But I can rock the standards, daddy-o! Anyway, she sounds great but is wearing a dress cut very badly for her, which I find distracting. Nothing about the cut of Lee's outfit distracted me, so maybe I'll give Round 2 to Lee, but just barely. By a hemline.

Lee's Crappy Coronation Song is called "Beautiful Day," and as CCSs go, it's not that terrible. We've all heard worse. He does a perfectly nice job with it.

[Update: Apparently this is a well-known U2 song. Oy. See "I only know 10 songs," above.]

Crystal's CCS is, hmm, I can't read my notes. Something about a mountain? It is likewise un-terrible, and she sounds really gorgeous. The judges go Lady Gaga for her, and it looks like Crystal's won it. Well, in the judges' minds anyway, but what do they know, they picked Adam last year. I'm not bitter.

Simon's parting words to Crystal are very sweet, and I was touched.

During Lee's and Crystal's final interviews, I'm reminded anew what a dull, inarticulate group this was. "Why'd you choose that song, Idol-ette?" "Well, it's about dreams, and I have dreams, and so it really spoke to me. Don't ever let anyone tell you you can't have a dream!"

(Because, that means you're not getting enough REM sleep and you will DIE. But I'm betting that's not what they mean.)

So that was our show. Tomorrow night we say goodbye to Sime and crown a winner. Wonder which event will seem BIGGER?

Lady Chardonnay, palpitating (not) from all the excitement (not), and out! (yes!)

Two Out of Three Ain't Bad

2010-05-18T22:24:00.007-04:00

So, two are in it to win it, and one is just along for the ride. If Sweet Casey James doesn't go home tomorrow night . . . well, it will be all kinds of wrong, that's all.

Casey opens the show with a song that Randy and I don't know, "OK It's All Right With Me," a dull number that Casey sings very mediocre-ly. (Is that a word?)

I hate when the Idolettes sing songs I don't know. Yeah, I rolled my eyes when Paula chose the Rolling Stones' "Satisfaction" for Bo Bice, but then I sat back with great interest to see what this talented young man would do with a song that every one of us knows by heart.

Think about David Cook's reconstruction of "Billie Jean" and "Hello," or what Adam Lambert did to anything he touched. For me, a particular joy of this show is hearing an Idolette take a song I know well and mix it up.

("Mix it up" being key here.)

Crystal goes on to semi-prove my point by singing a great and familiar song, "Come to My Window," except she doesn't mix it up at all — and I'm not sure that this song called for a harmonica. She sounds fine, but she really brought nothing new to it. (Well, except a harmonica.) Still, it is a great song, and it's fun to hear her sing it. If I were grading the evening, Casey would have a C so far, and I'd give Crystal a B.

Lee has chosen Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Simple Man," and again, I don't know this song, but it's a nice fit for him. He sounds good. An A- performance.

Kara seems to be auditioning for Simon's chair; she has so far used the phrase "having a moment," and now she tells Lee that Round 1 goes to him, a pronouncement usually made by Simon (and no less irritating when made by Kara). Simon, as per usual, has no visible reaction to this. Has he been fully present once this season?

Round 2! Kara and Randy teamed up to choose a song for Casey (which I found odd; Ellen's the newest judge, why didn't she have to share her choice with someone?), and they chose John Mayer's "Daughters," a song I truly loathe, which makes it not unlike every other song by John Mayer, all of which sound the same to me. Loathsome human, boring-as-snot singer. While I like Casey's voice a squillion times better than Mr. Mayer's, there's just not much to this. And with this B- performance, Casey has pretty much purchased his ticket home. (Which I have to believe was his intention — we have seen him be so much better than this.)

Ellen has chosen "Maybe I'm Amazed" for Crystal, a choice that surprised both me and Simon, but I have to say: I LOVE what Crystal did with this. She didn't change the song too much (literally — singing about how she's a man looking for a woman, which I found a tad distracting), but she did things that were unusual for her, singing outside her usual range, putting down her guitar, and using the whole stage. Actually, I found her choreography somewhat awkward ("Okay, I'll walk over here now"), but again — I applaud her for challenging herself, and I thought she sounded great. A solid A.

Lee will be singing "Hallelujah," chosen by Simon, and again I'm surprised — didn't Jason Castro give us the definitive version just two seasons ago? And Little Timmy sang it just a matter of weeks ago! But Lee does a lovely job of it, despite a corny arrangement (that choir! Too much). His nice scratchy voice was a great fit with the tortured lyrics, giving it a different kind of power than Jason's version. I give him an A as well.

So there you have it. The Idolettes' GPAs for the evening are as follows: Casey: C+, Crystal: B++, Lee: A-.

It wasn't a painful hour by any means, but am I wrong to hope that a Top Three performance would inspire more glowing praise than "not painful"? I think not.

Lady Chardonnay, prepared for the white-hot excitement of a Crystal-Lee finale (yawn) and out!

What—the Love Theme from "Planet of the Apes" Was Taken?

2010-05-11T22:23:00.014-04:00

Either I am a hundred years old, or these kids are morons. Someone says, "Pick a song from a movie — and you're in the Top 4 now, the stakes are high, it's really gotta be great," and your response is to choose . . . the "classic" song from Caddyshack ?????

Morons.

I don't think Crystal (the aforementioned Caddyshack song-chooser) is in any danger of going home, but if she does it serves her right. Not that any of the other three did any better.

My alternate title for the night: Wasted. Opportunity.

Morons!

Okay, I'm in a bit of a mood. But I'm watching this Top 4 and thinking of Top 4s of yesteryear. Like, well, last year's: Matt "Third Eye" Giraud, Danny Smuggie, Sweet Kris, and Glambert. Not my all-time favorite Top 4, but a thoroughly excellent group.

(All-time best Top 4? Would it be Carrie, Bo, Vonzell, and Anthony? Or Taylor, Katharine, Elliott, and Chris? Just writing these names is making me weep. I am a hundred years old, and Idol's glory days seem so very, very long ago.)

Though I did have a great idea for next year's judges: Dump Ellen (who I love but who hasn't brought anything to the show), dump Kara (long overdue), keep Randy, and add Marie Osmond and David Foster, who were surprisingly good on the otherwise forgettable "Celebrity Duets" from a few years back. (The third judge was Little Richard, who out-cuckooed Miss Abdul by a squillion light years.) Marie is warm and engaging and has very good musical instincts. David is snarky, with a different, more energetic vibe than Simon. Together, they were entertaining and insightful (when they weren't faux-bickering, which got tiresome quickly).

Anyway. I know it will never happen, but that's my dream panel.

Okay, so, so far my post has been a lot of blather without really recapping the show . . . which should tell you how wild I am to get to it! Yeah.

Lee opens with that well-known movie song "Kiss from a Rose." I go to lots of movies, I haven't a clue which movie this song is attached to. He sings it almost exactly like Seal and seems embarrassed much of the time. Does Lee realize he's in the Top 4? Are they all reluctant to claim the title "Winner of the Lamest Idol Season Ever"? That's gotta be it.

You know what I would have liked to hear Lee sing? "Everybody's Talking" from Midnight Cowboy. Or "On the Wings of a Dove" from Tender Mercies. Or "Purple Rain" (from Purple Rain). These would have been great for his voice, and I think he could have done something really interesting with each.

Wasted. Opportunity.

Big Mike's up next, singing "Hold Me" by Michael Jackson from . . . who the hell knows. The only Michael Jackson movie I know of is The Wiz. Though, heck, Mike could've sung "Ben," the tender love song dedicated to a rat — that would've killed. I don't know this song, and I do like the gospel arrangement, it's a nice fit with Mike's voice — but does he knock my socks off, like a Top 4 performance should? Not a prayer.

Mike is the king of falsetto, right? Okay, so let's just ponder this for a second. Falsetto . . . movie music . . . how about the Bee Gees and any song from the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack? I would have LOVED to hear Big Mike sing "How Deep Is Your Love?" or "More than a Woman."

Wasted. Opportunity.

Casey's singing "Mrs. Robinson" and the thing I most enjoyed was his panicked expression when he realized that "the guys" thought he was singing about Kara. Ha! Ha! As I've said before, I like Casey, and he didn't do anything outright wrong, so I pretty much liked the performance. But as I've also said before (two paragraphs ago, to be specific) — Top 4, sock-knocking? Hell to the no.

What would have been a great song for Casey? "Live and Let Die." I think he would've have hit that one out of the park. Or any song from Crazy Heart. Or "Mama, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys." Or "Wonderful World." Or for God's sake, if it had to be Simon and Garfunkel, why that song? Why not the much more beautiful and haunting "Scarborough Fair" or my personal favorite from that film, "April Come She Will"?

WASTED. OPPORTUNITY.

Really, I'm crying now. I love Casey. What a dope.

Crystal rocks the pimp spot with her chosen song from Caddyshack. She brings some much-needed energy to the stage and is channeling her inner Janis, but the bottom line is — it's essentially a stupid song and another wasted opportunity. She's safe as houses, but I am still longing for her to burn up the stage and sing something beautiful and haunting and powerful, something that grabs me by the throat and holds me spellbound for a full minute after she's done. I know she's capable of it. It's the Top. Freaking. 4. What is she waiting for?

Great movie songs for Crystal: "To Sir with Love." (Don't knock it, I saw a spiky-haired rocker grrl burn up the stage with this one a few years ago, and the audience went mad.) "One Night Only" from Dreamgirls. "I Know Where I've Been," the powerful ballad Queen Latifah's character sings in Hairspray.

Sigh.

Both duets were great, though — I'm glad we had those. And according to Simon, Crystal is "back in the game," which – yay? So it's not all bad news.

But this season can't end quickly enough. I don't care who goes home fourth, third, or second. Crown Crystal already, let's throw in the towel and hope for something better next time. Or stick a fork in Idol and declare it done — that would be fine too. I enjoyed moments of this season, but not this tired Top 4. I miss Siobhan and Katie, I guess. Or I am clogged with ennui. I need some Biore ennui strips.

Lady Chardonnay, disappointed!! and out.

p.s. I must blow a kiss to Heaven for its newest angel, Miss Lena Horne, a movie musical goddess who changed the world. "Stormy Weather," there's another great movie song. But don't get me started.

The Puppy Pack!

2010-05-06T06:02:00.002-04:00

They are so darn cute! And nice to each other! And from the Ford Commercial, they seem to have a fun time together. I have to say that I would totally love a teevee show about these five wacky kids and their adventures each week. See Big Mike's wife try to throw him a surprise party while "the guys" cause wacky trouble and Mamasox pulls their chestnuts out of the fire. See Lee and Casey both have a crush on the same girl and then it turns out she likes Aaron! Zoiks!

And they have a big production number each week, like the Monkees. Because for the first time EVER I loved the musical number of doom.

[AndI am awfully excited about THE GOOD GUYS - and not just because one of the stars is on Lady Char's answering machine.]

I am at the point where, even though I found last night a little dull, I really don't want to see anyone go! Ooh, quiet, Lady Gaga is on... She is fascinating - like a cross of Kate Bush, Madonna and Yoko Ono. I completely missed Madonna. She was around, but I was not paying attention. I wonder if she seemed this weird to women my age.

But back to the show. I am going to Tivo forward through the filler and will get back with what is going to be my hearbreak over losing Casey, my resignation over Big Mike's departure or my surprise that Aaron's little army of prepubescent girls failed to text enough.

So the whole "backstage with Harry Connick" made him look like a complete jerk! I know he was probably not that bad, and it is the way it was cut. But they really went mean! More puppies! More kitties! More love! And his singing was boring. Snap! He is still cute as a bug. I loved him in MEMPHIS BELLE. And I like his songs. Who knew?

There is a lot of filler this week, but it doesn't seem filler-y to me. I keep watching it, in spite of my desire to Tivo. I think I am just afraid that they are going to send someone home and then my Five Puppies show will just be a dream!

OKay it is down to Mike and Aaron. I suppose either one could go. It isn't really fair because Casey was the worst last night (although he sounded great through this whole show). But I don't really care, because I like him. And not because he is pretty. I guess I like Aaron's voice better, but Mike adds an element of fun.

Oh - bye little Aaron. He is a cute little thing and I hope he will get the Tiger Beat covers he so richly deserves.

Off to work -
Brune, OUT!

Ring-a-ding-dull

2010-05-04T22:13:00.004-04:00

Everyone looks very swanky and viva glam tonight, but any resemblance to Ol' Blue Eyes ends there.

Frank was The Man, and I certainly don't expect our Idolettes to touch the hemline of his genius. And my friends, I am here to tell you: They do not. It was a pretty dull show, for the most part, which is especially disappointing at this stage of the game, when our Top 5 should be knocking it out of the park. What we saw tonight was a lot of bunting. Read on . . .

Li'l Aaron's up first, singing "Fly Me to the Moon," a swingin' li'l ditty, and Aaron, looking all grown up in his big-boy tie, sings it sweetly and competently and brings nothing original to it whatsoever. It wasn't bad, it was fine, but it wasn't a Top 5 performance.

(Who else is surprised that Aaron is still here? I have nothing against the little sweetie, I just thought he'd be gone around seven, maybe. Thanks, tween girls!)

Next, it's Casey's turn, and I am not a fan of the ponytail on this man, I must say. I have nothing against ponytails — Mr. Lady Chardonnay grew a ponytail for Mimosa (and cut it off for Li'l Martini), and I looooooved it — but it's not a good look for Mr. James. He's chosen "Blue Skies," another slight little number, and while I enjoyed his performance very much (generally, I'm a fan, and it was fun for me to see him sans gee-tar) – again, it was nothing to write home about, though he did mix up the arrangement a bit and make it more original. Well, more than Aaron did, anyway. The judges were even less pleased, and honestly, I fear for my handsome boy tonight.

As a side note, I have to say that I loved the whole bit with Simon and the Sinatra hankie; a very cool moment, and I believe that Simon truly will treasure it always.

Crystal's up next, looking gawgeous!! She's chosen "The Summer Wind," and it's a nice, controlled performance — I get a cool Peggy Lee vibe from her — but she never breaks out, really, which we're all looking for her to do, and given what she's capable of, this is all pretty underwhelming. She really looks great, though — and did I hear that she's sporting a diamond on her left hand? You know what they say about the single ladies, boyfriend. Man up already.

Big Mike is our penultimate singer (I look for every opportunity I can to use the word penultimate) and does a really lovely job with "The Way You Look Tonight," a song it's almost impossible to screw up. Which he doesn't. But I'm curious: Has Mike's voice/style/presentation changed one iota from the first moment we saw him? As a singer, he seems to have evolved the least. Again, I never was a big fan, so I probably cut Mike less slack than I cut Casey. But he always sounds pretty much the same to me.

(The judges are considerably more whelmed and praise him to the skies, which are bluer for Mike than Casey, that's for sure. I will argue that most of the accolades should go to the song. Then again, points to Mike for choosing the prettiest song.)

Comments Mimosa, after seeing Mike standing next to Ryan: "They look like they're wearing the same suit." (She's not watching Idol, she's only here waiting for Glee to start.)

When I hear that Lee is singing "That's Life," I groan a little; this song seems to be de rigeur for Sinatra/Rat Pack night, and it's not my favorite. But Lee does a fantastic job with it; it is just the right song for him, and he has another one of those nights. Well, good for Lee.

(I missed the judges' response because I was making phone calls; we're having a small crisis in my circle of friends, and if you're a praying sort, please pray for Li'l Martini's best friend, who's been throwing up since Saturday and is being taken by ambulance to Children's Hospital tonight. He's the sweetest boy; I know he's in the best hands and he's going to be fine, but you can't help worrying.)

Tomorrow night, watch for them to do that awful thing where, say, Casey and Crystal are on one side, Lee and Aaron are on the other, and Ryan makes Big Mike try to guess who the bottom two are and go join them. Hopefully, Mike will have the sense of . . . shoot, I can't remember who did this. Bo Bice? David Cook? What I mean is: the person who sat down on the stage and refused to play Ryan's petty game. That is the way to play that scene, my friends. Sinatra-style. Though he'd probably punch Ryan in the nose and call him a punk.

I think Casey's going home tomorrow night, and I'm sad but resigned. Aaron's tweenie girls will keep him in a bit longer, and Crystal's going to win this whole thing, so who else could be going home? It's my blondie bear, pretty much for sure. Oh, well. We both had a nice ride.

Lady Chardonnay, swinging on a star and out!

Fallen Angel

2010-04-29T08:38:00.003-04:00

Wow. Did NOT see that coming.

I watched the last 15 minutes of last night's show, and when I saw who was in the bottom 3 (after doing a double-take at Casey), I nodded wisely. Yes, sage that I am, I called it: Mike is going home.

Well, we all know how that played out.

I'm sad but not stunned. Siobhan peaked early, fell quickly, and never regained her momentum. I hope that she goes on to have a lovely and colorful career — she's talented and focused, and I wish her all the best.

Now, Casey in the bottom 3 instead of Lee? America, you are on ludes. And that is one American girl's opinion.

Lady C, out!

I'm a Little Bit Country

2010-04-27T22:12:00.007-04:00

Wow, Brunie and I are "simul"blogging, first time all season, I think! And her post only confirms what I already believed to be true: It's Opposite Day in the Chardonnay household, as I rarely agreed with the judges and agree with Brunie only once. Which means that Big Mike is for sure going home, but you didn't hear it from me.

Despite the above title and my obsession with the soundtrack of Crazy Heart and my subsequent doomed crush on Waylon Jennings (I just feel we have no future), I'm not a country music lover and knew very few of these songs. I still had a good time tonight, though, and I must say that Shania — based on what she elicited from our Idolettes — is one fine mentor.

Lee opened the show, looking and sounding a bit sleepy; he started to rouse himself toward the middle and it got better, but it was never electric, and Lee is capable of more than this. But then the judges cheer and huzzah, and I grow confused.

Mike's up next, and I start to frown. He just sounds — hmm, what's a word that means "not good"? That's how he sounds. I actually write the word "girly," then I feel bad. But his voice is all high and breathy and — oh, it does not sound good. But the first three judges are celebrating Opposite Day with a vengeance, and they smite my opinion! Ow!

Except: then Simon says "girly" and I have the proverbial cow. Mimosa came running to see what the ungodly noise was. (Me, cow — she went back to her magazine.)

(Neither of my kids will watch Idol any more. They are done with this season. I muster my wits and carry on, for the sake of the blog, don'tcha know.)

I do love that Mike made Shania cry. That was sweet.

Casey says he's going to step up, and I grow excited and hopeful, because I've been waiting for this for a long time. And it's not a particularly challenging song, it seems to me, but nonetheless, he does push his voice to places I haven't heard from him yet. I am really impressed. His performance reminded me, in an odd way, of Siobhan's version of "Across the Universe," with its quiet tempo and technical precision (though halfway into the song, Casey did rock it out). I really really really liked this, and the judges have finished celebrating their contrariness and finally agreed to hear what I hear. Ellen even used the words "Bob Seger," which I have applied to Casey in the past and which made me feel very musically astute. You know, like Ellen.

Crystal looks adorable and is oddly subdued. She sounds okay but not great. "Okay Crystal" is still better than, say, "Great Mike," but still. I'm disappointed.

(Though having Crystal falter makes the competition a bit more interesting, perhaps. I don't tend to watch the Wednesday night shows, even though I'm in that wacky minority that looooooves the Up with People group numbers — it's just me, Ryan Seacrest, and Snuggles the Fabric Softener Bear — but I am rather curious about tomorrow night's results.)

Sweet little Aaron sits sweetly on his stool, and I prepare for his weekly song of sweetness. And then my jaw drops, because, my goodness, turning 17 has made a man of our sweet baby! He sounds great and assured, and it's a very confident, mature performance. The judges are likewise impressed, and we all beam with pride. Which Aaron accepts, sweetly.

Siobhan is closing, and I have high hopes; I haven't seen her in a week, and her last two performances before that were not so great. And I really want to like this . . . but there is just so much going on! From her busy, busy outfit to her big country band to her relentless pacing to her big affected attitude (the better to sing this song, my dear) — it all kind of overwhelms her voice, which is just too small at the beginning to stand up to all that big busy-ness. And then she finds her signature glory notes . . . and they get away from her, a little bit. It was interesting, and kind of fun, I guess, but not the best Siobhan performance by a long shot, and I am starting to worry that she's lost herself.

So that was our show, and man! I feel like a woman. Don't you?

My favorites of the night were Casey and Aaron, both of whom made me cry a little. In my Mama Bear way, I'm just so proud of both of them!

Going home, as I said, will likely be Mike, who's been voted out before; tonight's performance won't have anyone power-dialing for him. And Lee will be in the bottom three. But will one of our golden girls join him there? This may be enough to get me to watch a results show after all.

Up with People 4-Evah! Lady Chardonnay, out!

Keeping Expectations Low...

2010-04-27T20:19:00.002-04:00

I like Shania Twain based on what I learned from the book pictured here. It isn't about Shania, but it is a sweet story about a girl trying to make it in Nashville and each chapter begins with a mini-biography of a country musician who came from nowhere and made it big.

I like Shania because she was raised dirt poor and when she was 22, had moved away and was finally making some noise in Nashville, her parents died. She put her dreams on hold and spent the next 4 years back in Canada where she took in her younger siblings and raised them herself.

So I am pretty sure as a person she is awesome. However, I don't know any of her songs! I have heard MAN I FEEL LIKE A WOMAN and there is another woman-y one that I can't remember the name of. But I am pretty sure I am not going to know any of these tunes.

Lee starts off with STILL THE ONE which is not the one where "We're still havin' fun and you're still the one" that I remember from my youth. He does that Lee thing where he looks a little pained and sings with his scratchy old voice. He sounded fine.

(Hey, did you know Alison Irahita is on the cover of LATINA magazine this month? She looks cute as a bug.)

Big Mike sings IT ONLY HURTS WHEN I'M BREATHING which is one of those "clever" songs where it says crazy crap that kind of means the opposite. It is so odd that the arms of the inferi don't even know what to do. And his last note sounds like it is in a different key. But that could just be the song. Apparently hid did well, but I couldn't tell.

Casey sings DON'T which I have never heard before in my life. I cracked up when he said "I am only playing rhythm guitar." He sounds good, not great. But the crowd goes wild. The judges liked the country vibe. And they really liked the connection he had with the song. And then Simon tried to pimp him out to Shania who is MY AGE for heaven's sake!

What is Miss Crystal doing out here in the middle of the competition? Damn, Ryan draws attention to Shania's white teeth and Crystal doesn't even flinch. Although I do. She is singing NO ONE NEEDS TO KNOW and she does a cute little falsetto and I really like it. She sounds a little Joni Mitchell-ish. I kind of like it because it is different from her usual thing. But I wonder if it is a little light for the competition. And I want to slap Kara. And Simon gets all shirty! I hope it won't hurt her chances...

L'il Aaron sings YOU GOT A WAY or some such crap like that. He once again sounds really good if you just don't look. I really do hope he will be a little Tiger Beat poster boy when he leaves IDOL. I don't think he is going to be here much longer. Randy uses the word "wheelhouse" twice in the same show losing all credit that he gets for using it in the first place. Aaron says he was singing the song to his mom which is sweet and also kind of icky. Simon even liked him.

Siobahn looking like her wacky little self is singing ANY MAN OF MINE. Shania sounds so darned Canadian when she is giving advice! She is my second favorite Canadian singer of all time! Siobahn is going home because she is not doing much and she is dragging behind the band a little. She get's her big ass note in there, but it is too little too late. I can't believe they ended with her. Now I love little Siobahn and her wacky glassblowing oxygen deficient brain. But I didn't like it and I can't believe the judges bought it. Bleh...

I think that Siobahn or Big Mike should go byesies. But what do I know?

Off to watch GLEE...

Brunie, OUT!

V-A-C-A-T-I-O-N !

2010-04-26T11:03:00.005-04:00

Queried one of our many fans, "Was the 'inspirational' week so non-inspirational that there is no update?"

Though many flip remarks come to mind (We hate inspiration! We are all about boot straps and perspiration!), the real answer is that around these parts it's school vacation week, and we devoted mammas have been tending to our young and spending that quality time.

(I read four library books and fell in love with a new cocktail, the Trystini: raspberry vodka, triple sec, and passion fruit nectar. Boy howdy, is it gooooooood!!!)

(In other words: AWESOME week.)

I have every expectation that blogging will resume this week, as the kids are back in school and we have nothing but time on our hands.

Then again, flesh is weak. Que sera sera.

Lady Trystini Chardonnay out!

Thank you, thankyouverymuch...

2010-04-13T20:42:00.004-04:00

So I know that Lady Char has been carrying the rest of us for the past few weeks. It just so happens I am home at the same time that Idol is on. So I thought I would celebrate by typing as I watch.

So Crystal opened with SAVED and did my favorite thing, which is singing like the best singer that ever sang. I am very tired of Randy name checking Bonnie Raitt (who I like as a personality, but am not all that big a fan of). The judges gave her the tongue bath she so richly deserves.

Andrew sang a Vegas-y version of HOUND DOG that didn't make me want to vomit. Ellen made my least favorite judge remark when she used the word "swagger". Dammit! Kara just said "swagger" too. Blech. The judges hated him and I have a suspicion he will be gone tomorrow.

Tim is singing I CAN'T HELP FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU. His guitar playing is good and Adam thinks he is so so pretty. And frankly, he is not bad. It hurts me to say it, but he is not annoying to me. Well, he still does that annoying thing where he says "uh" or "en" before a vowel as he is singing. And I believe he wimped out of ending on the falsetto. But he sounded good and compared to how he usually sounds - he was pretty awesome. I still loathe him, but he doesn't deserve to go based on this performance.

Lee is doing a bluesy version of A LITTLE LESS CONVERSATION. It isn't his best ever, but I do love his voice. I think it was a little bland myself. The judges seemed pleased. Quite pleased.

Little Aaron is going to sing BLUE SUEDE SHOES and in his promo he sounded fantastic. And he does in performance as well. If you don't look at him he sounds freaking amazing! I just can't watch his Elvis dancing. But he sounded great. Simon pointed out that he didn't do anything new, but he did the old stuff well.

Siobahn looks incredibly stunning tonight. She looks huge next to little Ryan on the stools. Or he looks tiny next to her. Who can tell? Okay, her face looks a little funny to me when she is singing SUSPICIOUS MINDS. She sounds good but looks a little like Mrs. Cunningham from Happy Days. She rocks it out about 3/4 of the way through and makes me love her again. Randy concurs. And while I could care less what Randy says, he is right. In response to Simon's dis she makes what, from anyone else would sound like a bitch-statement, "If I can't even label myself, I don't think it is necessary to be labeled." But she believes it, so I will allow it.

I bet Brian Dunkleman stabs a Ryan Seacrest voodoo doll over and over every night before he falls into his fitful, tortured sleep.

Big Mike (He has a baby, did you know?) sings IN THE GHETTO. Beautiful voice. Damn. Beautiful voice. Man, that was really good.

BABY, WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO? is the question that Katie is singing. She sounds good and looks like the cutest dominatrix in the eleventh grade. I don't think it was half as good as last week, but not bad.

Casey is batting clean-up and he is singing LAWDY MISS CLAWDY. "Please don't excite me", indeed! He sounds all jam-band-y and I like it a lot. When he sings he's "down in misery" he has a little smile on his face that convinces me that his misery involves LOTS of patchouli smelling sex. It wasn't my favorite Casey, but it was pleasant.

In watching the review clips I am shocked to find that after Mike, my favorite is Tim! This is such a Mrs. Cynicletary moment. The two preformers who annoy me the most are my faovorites of the night! I also think Crystal, Lee and Aaron sounded great. Siobahn and Casey weren't overwhelming, but they were still good. Andrew and Katie are going home in my perfect world. We will see tomorrow.

Brunie, OUT!

Didgeri-diggity-doo!

2010-04-06T22:14:00.011-04:00

Once again, I debated the merits of a likely dull Idol evening vs. crawling into bed with Lost and V and a hot cuppa (and I battled a migraine all day, I am one tuckered tootsie), but curiosity (or my Type A personality) won out, and I chose to hear the Idolettes tackle the Lennon-McCartney songbook. And the tide has turned, or the worm, or something, because these lackluster songbirds have finally stepped up and found their voices; tonight's weakest performer still wasn't half bad, and this was a pretty great show all around, I thought. Your mileage may vary, but me? I am drinkin' the Kool-Aid, man, and I'm a happier person for it.

First up is young Aaron, who sings "The Long and Winding Road" perfectly nicely. I think I say this about Aaron every week. He has a perfectly nice voice and is a lovely young man. I don't see any real star power, but it's a decent rendition of a lovely song. And — spoiler! — this perfectly nice performance, turns out, is one of the weakest of the night. So, not so great for Aaron, maybe, but good news for us!

Tonight's time-filling innovation is "Get to Know Your Idolettes" — little snippets about each of them in "real" life. I enjoyed it, and the person I enjoyed the most, consistently, throughout the night was — Katie! She is such a fun, funny girl; she can do hilariously spot-on imitations of the others, and seems to have warm, genuine relationships with all of them. Who knew?

And she's up next, singing "Let It Be," one of those perfect songs that it's hard to mess up, and Katie does well with it — changing the tempo just enough that it's not pure karaoke, but still respecting the purity of the song. It's a sweet, strong, confident performance. Wow, is she growing on me! I would not have predicted this. The judges are likewise surprised and impressed.

Andrew, still beaming with confidence from last week's surprise hit performance, does a bouncy version of "Can't Buy Me Love" and looks like the love child of Wayne Newton and Kim Jong Il, to the point where I can't even look at him any more. He sounds fine and it's a kind of fun version, but ultimately a bit silly. So he joins Aaron under the "Weakest of the Night" banner — but I've heard him be way worse than this, for sure.

Big Mike has chosen to speed up the tempo of "Eleanor Rigby" and sounds a bit like Tom Jones doing so. I liked the arrangement; the judges were mixed. I will say, though, that Mike's skill as a performer outweighs his skill as a vocalist, and at some point someone besides me will notice that. This is a singing competition, after all, as a certain Brit used to remind us weekly, before he became so obsessed with having "a moment."

When I hear that Crystal is singing "Come Together," a song I loathe, I groan and cringe and brace myself. Then I remember that Crystal is magic. (See: Tracy Chapman) And she is indeed fantastic. Best of the night, in my opinion. Didgeri-whee!

Tim "Can You Believe I'm Still Here?" is up next with a perfectly nice version of "All My Lovin'." His voice is fine, it's a peppy song (though he pronounces "I'll" like "all" — "To-morrow all miss you" — which I don't like; I'm a fan of e-nun-ci-a-tion) — again, I don't see any real star quality, but there's nothing really wrong here. The judges are a tad more impressed, and Tim seems gratified.

Casey Trevor Drake Fabio says that he's singing John Lennon's "Jealous Guy," a song I don't know, and a few bars in I grow very sad, wishing that John were here to sing it. But Casey does a great job, especially toward the end when he's all fired up and Bob Seger-y; I love his growly voice. To me, he was second only to Crystal tonight.

Mrs. C opined last week that only Lee is really getting better, but I think for the most part they all are, Casey and Katie in particular (in addition to Lee, I mean). And for that reason, perhaps, there is something to be said for having slightly-less-than-stellar contestants at the outset. I compare this season to the previous most-lackluster season, the one won by Jordin Sparks, and I think about those folks (Phil, Blake, Melinda, LaKisha, Haley, Sanjaya...), and I really do think this group is better.

(Because, that group? Really blew. But I digress.)

Siobhan's up next, and I'm nervous for her, given her not-so-great performance last week — and after she sings, I'm still a bit nervous, I must admit. Her restrained version of "Across the Universe" was technically almost perfect — "from a singing perspective," as Kara said, it was beautiful. But as a whole, it was just kind of odd — and Siobhan is an odd, quirky girl, and we all love that about her, but as I said — I'm worried. I don't think she's going home, but I do think she needs to be very, very brilliant next week. Which she totally can be.

I tend to read my book (tonight: Keeping the House by Ellen Baker, sooooo good so far!) during commercials without looking up, but this tag for a Fox news story made me howl: "Sent to Fake Prom." Oh, that poor girl.

(For some reason, it reminded me of one of my favorite Lifetime Television for Women movie titles: "She Woke Up Pregnant." Don't ask me to explain how my brain works.)

Lee drew the Pimp Spot this week, and, whoo! Talk about high expectations. Which he doesn't quite live up to, though his rendition of "Hey Jude" is really good, especially the ending . . . and I'm looking at my notebook to write these words, then I look back up at the TV screen — and there's a bagpiper.

(I totally thought I was on ludes. That was a trip.)

So that was our show, and I had a swell time: some lovely young voices, and some of the greatest music evah. Mrs. C said recently that people are either Elvis people or Beatles people, and I protested that I was both (which annoyed her greatly), but I realized later that I was talking only about singing; when you consider musicianship as a whole, of course the Beatles are the masters of the universe. (Sorry, King.)

The bottom two seats will likely contain Andrew and Aaron tomorrow night (though I think Aaron has a lot of rapid-dialing fangirls, so who knows), but I really have no idea who will occupy seat #3. Tim? Katie, out of habit? Siobhan (gasp!)? Mike? Truly, no clue.

Going home, I think, will be Andrew — which is too bad, in a way, as he should have been sent home for much worse performances than this one! But it's time.

Lady Chardonnay, out!

The One Where Siobhan Became the Underdog and Lee's Life Changed Forever

2010-03-30T22:15:00.003-04:00

Hully gee! Once again, I got all comfy with my low, low expectations, and then these Idolettes, for the most part, knocked my (Bower)socks off! If Siobhan is one of the weakest, you know there's some mad singing going on. Or it's Armageddon — it could always be Armageddon.

But the Four Horsemen have thus far evaded my living room, so I'm going with the former.

Siobhan's our lead-off singer tonight, and chose to tackle "Through the Fire." First off, the big glasses threw me, as I kept thinking I was seeing Big Glasses Girl from Hollywood Week – and what shenanigans were going on now? Was it another Chris Golightly/Tim Urban thing, and they had to pull in yet another previously-passed-on Idolette? But no, it was just Siobhan doing that I-can-get-away-with-this-nonsense thing that wildly talented beautiful girls with attitude can in fact get away with, but it didn't make me love her, nor did her diva 'tude post-performance, though I'm getting ahead of myself.

Her performance was just all right, and Randy called it: It wasn't the big screamy notes, it was the lower notes that were the problem. But the big screamies are kind of their own problem too, because they're now predictable and a little silly.

And then she went back to the dressing room and didn't talk to anyone; I get that she's young and it's hard to get your first bad reviews, but sweetie, America's watching; put on your happy face and move on. Have a hissy later in the shower, like a grown-up.

I don't for one minute think she's in trouble, but hopefully this will be a wake-up call and she'll sing for her life next week, because that would be cool to hear.

ANYWAY. Batting second is Casey, rocking out on a bluesy "Hold On, I'm Coming" with his great raspy voice; it's not a hugely original version, but he gives a confident, assured performance and sounds fantastic. He is in the zone, man. The judges all liked it too, and Casey beams.

Michael is singing India Arie's "Ready for Love" (yes, I know that's not how she does her name, but I am a writer of English), a song neither Kara nor I knew, but as far as I can tell he does a nice job with it. I liked that he avoided his falsetto. I'm still not a huge fan of his voice, and when he sings a ballad I find it all a little dull, but I actually think his voice is getting better. And he is such an immensely likable presence, he'll be around for a while.

Didi promises to emote through "What Becomes of the Broken-Hearted?" and then sings a curiously flat version of it. Who'da thunk the day would come when we'd beg for more emotion from Didi? Yeah, this just wasn't good at all, and I don't know what to make of it. The judges are likewise nonplussed. I'm sad, because I used to love her (but it's all over now).

That crazy kid Tim takes it into his head to sing Anita Baker's "Sweet Love," and earnestly assures Usher that he has in fact been in love, and next year he gets to stay up till 10:30 and borrow the car two nights a week! Oh, Tim. I do truly love how much fun he's having with all this — he beams and beams as the judges flay him. (He doesn't sound terrible — he's fine. The song is way too sophisticated for him, that's all.)

So Andrew's next, and I have my usual feeling of total disinterest, other than mild surprise that he's still here — hut blow me down, he does a very nice job with "Forever." I'm still not a big fan of his voice, but tonight he pulled it together and it all worked. Nicely done, Andrew.

Little bitty Katie tells Usher that she's singing "Chain of Fools," and I'm thinking, Ohhhh honey. But I freakin' loved it! (Way more than the judges did, for sure.) What I saw was a young girl casting off all the confusing advice she's received, singing a song she's sung into her hairbrush 1,200 times, having a great time playing a part, and just really letting go and enjoying herself. And that made me happy. Go, kitten!

Pre-Lee side note: I had lunch with our usual blogging partner Mrs. Cynicletary today, and she confirmed that she's not into blogging this season and has barely connected with the show so far — but the one contestant she's interested in is Lee, as she sees great potential there and he's already starting to get better. So she may be one of the few who weren't completely stunned by what came next.

Lee, who has always been a consistent, competent performer, brought down the house tonight! He nails "Treat Her Like a Lady" with astonishing vocals and tremendous stage presence, charisma emanating like a sexy halo. He looked confident and mature and handsome. What a singer! What a performance! Where on earth did that come from??!!!

"This may be the night your life changed forever," said Simon, and I got a chill.

Thank goodness la Bowersox is up next, because I can't imagine anyone else following Lee's stealth brilliance with any success. Though Lee did steal a bit of Crystal's thunder; by the time we got a gander at her stilettos, I think we were all surprised out.

But it deserves to be commented on: Crystal cleans up very, very nicely. ("Crystal's a girl!" I squealed.)

I couldn't watch her while she played the piano because she made me too nervous, but her voice was as pure and lovely as ever. "Midnight Train to Georgia" was a perfect song for her. A very nice, clean, polished, fine performance. And good for her for mixing it up a bit.

Little Aaron closes the show, singing "Ain't No Sunshine," one of those fabuloso songs that it's hard to really screw up, and he doesn't really screw up, he sounds sweet and fine, but it's nothing to write home about. But I was a tad disappointed: Aaron was the recipient of the one and only piece of Usher advice that I thought actually useful, and that was how to sing the long string of "I know I know I know I know . . ."s. Aaron did it really well with Usher, but then he didn't do it on stage, which was a bummer. But Aaron is such a cute little pup, I don't think he's in danger.

But then . . . who is? Most people did pretty well tonight!

Based solely on tonight's performances, the bottom three should be Didi, Tim, and Siobhan, with Didi going home. I truly can't believe that Siobhan will be in the bottom three, though, and I suspect that my delight over Katie's inner vixen will NOT be the popular opinion, so Katie will likely take her usual place in the bottom three with Didi and Tim. Though I still think Didi will go home.

Wow, for a season touting "the strongest women yet!", the chicks are sure dropping like flies, aren't they?

Lady Chardonnay, out!

What I Did Last Night

2010-03-24T11:25:00.007-04:00

(instead of watching Idol)

A PTO meeting at Li'l Martini's school, then a lovely bubble bath, then climbing into bed to watch "Lost." Which I slept through most of, so I'll have to repeat the process tonight, sans meeting. I'll try to catch Idol today, but I'm dealing with a computer meltdown and a 130-page math curriculum to edit — the odds, they aren't so good.

Sister bloggers, might you step up? (Mrs. Cynicletary has succumbed to ennui this season; she has yet to make it through a whole episode without the urge channel-surf. And BrunhildeCrow is busily packing galoshes and the like for her upcoming jaunt to the wetter coast — I'm not counting on either of them, frankly, but a girl does like to be asked.)

Lady Chardonnay, back to work and out!

Everybody Must Get Stoned

2010-03-16T22:30:00.008-04:00

It's Stones night, and I am one happy mama! I love the Stones, especially Keith, I love when the Idolettes sing songs I know, I am high on life.

And if I'd bet on "lost" as the drinking-game word of the night, I'd be considerably snockered right about now. Too bad.

Setting the tone for the evening is Michael Lynche, who is feeling no pain; he owns the stage, and the crowd goes wild. It kind of doesn't even matter what his vocals sound like (though he sounds pretty good); he is such a giant chocolate teddy bear, and his joy is infectious. And his version of "Miss You" is also a lot of fun (I kinda like it better than the original, in fact — don't tell Keith!!). A great start to the evening, or, as Randy says, "Dawg, you slayed it."

My girl Didi Benami is next, singing one of my favorite Stones songs, "Play with Fire." Hmm — half of me likes her torchy rendition, half of me is finding it a little weird, and it seems like she hit a bum note at the end. I do still love her voice, though; she's got this little twang that I find very appealing. Potato, potahto, BeckEye!

Casey James has decided to channel Bad Blake tonight, singing, "It's All Over Now," and the result is smokin'! I LOVED it. (Though Simon's comment, that Casey still needs to push himself, is not unreasonable.)

Lacey Brown chose the song that used to be my son's lullaby, "Ruby Tuesday," and does all kinds of weird twisty Lacey things to it, and I'm growing weary of her vocal acrobatics. I was looking for a BIG chorus here, but she just kept on keeping on with her sleepy version (and later Ellen used the word "sleepy" as well, so I'm totally right). Li'l Martini was disgusted: "You used to sing THAT to me?" "Yes, but better," I said. Then I notice what she's wearing: a lacy beige half-slip over her nice striped shirt, which: odd. Though it reminds me of when I was in college and used to wear all these cotton slips I bought at Goodwill, you know, as outerwear. You can do that when you're in college, or at least at my little hippie college you could. But we're grown-ups now, and even Madonna wears her underclothing actually under her clothing.

Li'l Martini: "You're not going to judge her on her outfit, are you?"

I sent him to bed.

Up next is Andrew Garcia with "Gimme Shelter," and honestly, his vocals didn't bother me at all. He's still not my favorite, but I didn't have to fight the urge to stab my ears with pointy things, and that is a huge step forward in the healing, friends. The Stones!! They are so magic!! (Ellen Chardonnay DeGeneres calls it his best performance yet, and I am forced to agree.)

Little Katie Stevens has chosen to sing "Wild Horses," and I feel bad for her. In her brilliant book Sex Tips for Girls, Cynthia Heimel suggests dancing aerobically to Stones music as a fun path to physical fitness, though she cautions you to avoid songs like "Wild Horses" (not aerobic) and to dance like Mick rather than Keith. Mick is aerobic. Keith mostly stumbles. The point is, I think "Wild Horses" is a major snoozer, though Katie looks very pretty, very age-appropriate for once, and gives it a sweet teenage yearning that I didn't anticipate. A good-not-great performance, but she's getting there.

Tim Urban sings "Under My Thumb," and I keep thinking of our reigning Idol, sweet young Kris — isn't Tim basically Kris Lite? Perfectly cute, perfectly nice, perfectly competent, not going to set the world on fire any time soon — just a nice, nice boy. The difference, I guess, is that Kris really was capable of greatness on occasion, and I don't think Tim's there — but anyway. It was a perfectly nice performance, and I guarantee no one will ever give it a second thought. Except for the people reading this sentence right now.

For the second time tonight, Kara refers to Randy and Ellen as "the guys," which is just so weird. Did Kara ever call Paula a "guy"? Man, she is grating.

I start doing math in my head, counting the remaining singers and my thus-far-unsung favorite Stones songs and wondering if I'll get lucky — and, shaZam! Here's my favorite girl, Siobhan Magnus, singing my favorite song, "Paint It Black"!!

. . .

. . .

(That blank space is a moment of silence for Siobhan, who rendered me speechless.)

(LOVE.)

(HER.)

Unfortunately, someone has to follow la diva, and it falls to poor Lee DeWyze, who sings "Beast of Burden," sounds a lot like yesterday's Casey James, and never really ignites. It's fine, and I still love his craggyy voice, but the arrangement was too familiar and therefore dull.

Hey, something's gotten into Ellen tonight — she finally seems comfortable at the judges' table, and her comments have ranged far beyond her usual "great." Someone got the lady a thesaurus! Good on her.

Paige Miles is wearing an unfortunate outfit — what's with all the shorts over dark stockings? Is this a hot new look? yikes — and rocks out a little bit with "Honky Tonk Woman," but it's still a little off. Maybe it's her laryngitis, but my fear is that she's this year's Lill Rounds — an undeniably good singer, but an inability to really connect with a song and the audience. I don't remember her from Hollywood, so I'm still waiting for this great voice that Simon keeps talking about. I hope I get to hear it.

When I heard that little Aaron Kelly was singing "Angie," I did my first (well, and only) spit take of the night, but he does a very sweet job of it. (I can't imagine ever writing a review of Aaron's singing that doesn't revolve around the word "sweet.")

Closing the show is Crystal Bowersox, singing another of my favorite Stones songs, "You Can't Always Get What You Want," and while the judges were a bit less whelmed, I thought she was fantastic. Less folk-y than usual and more rock-y, she was polished and professional, simultaneously hot and cool, and she sounded sublime. Love the song, love her, loved the performance.

So that was the show, and given all the bitching I've done about this season's lackluster talent, I have to give the Idolettes their props: They are a pretty good group after all.

Going home? I have no idea. Tim and Lacey were the weakest, but I suspect that each has a cult-like fan base, so the lower-wattage Andrew, Lee, Didi, Katie, or Paige could be in trouble instead. Yes, it could be any one of these seven. You heard it here!

Lady Keith Chardonnay Richards, OUT!

Everything I Thought I Knew

2010-03-15T19:58:00.010-04:00

A few years ago, the company I worked for hired an interim CFO. This thrilled me, because I didn't know that such a job even existed. And I love when that happens, because it lets me keep believing that somehow, somewhere, my dream job actually exists.

Which is: to read TV Guide and then be quizzed on it.

Ah — that's my heaven. I absorb nothing so readily as the content of TV Guide. I don't even watch that much TV, really (which is ironic, for the girl blogging a TV show) — I've never seen an episode of Melrose Place in my life, for example, but I can tell you the basic overview of the original show and name the entire cast, and even drop a few plot points re: its latest incarnation.

I'm not especially proud of this skill. Like people who can spit really far or burp the alphabet — it's just an odd thing that I happen to be able to do very well.

But now — hmm. I have to wonder if TV Guide has gone deranged.

There they are: the eight finalists that TV Guide labeled "the ones to watch." And as faithful viewers well know, the only one who even made it to the Top 12 is Andrew "Yawni" Garcia, Gokey 2.0, and his days are likely numbered.

(which: yay !!)

Can I continue to hitch my wagon to the star of such a deeply impaired publication?

Lady Chardonnay, befuddled and OUT.

Half a Mind

2010-03-11T22:48:00.002-05:00

Lady Char has brilliantly recapped the performances this week. While I don't agree at all about the boys (I loathed Tim and Aaron and loved Todrick and Alex.) apparently America was drinking the same hooch she was.

Now for the girls, I am overjoyed. I have been wanting to slap Lily for awhile and while I never was appalled by Kaitlyn, I far prefer Paige to her and I really hope Paige gets her somethings in a something (Ducks in a row? Babies in the bathwater? Whatever cliche that means she stops sucking...). Lady Char was 100% right and America agreed!

And I am so looking forward to the theme nights!

See you next week.

Brunie, OUT!

I Know What Boys Like

2010-03-10T22:15:00.015-05:00

. . . and it ain't Randy Jackson in a bikini, my friends.

So, Idol also has male singers, apparently! This is my first time seeing them since Hollywood (when I was — what's the word? — unwhelmed), so I settled in for a comfy evening of low expectations and ennui.

Lee "Who?" Dewyze starts us off with a song I don't know, called "I'm Awake, I'm Asleep, I Have Dreams & Seams," and he is the very definition of affable. I enjoy his voice, I enjoy his low-key performance — there's no real star power here, but what's not to like? Go, Lee!

Hmm, perhaps I have misjudged these fellows! Perhaps I've been too quick to bond myself to quirky brilliant Siobhan, charismatic Crystal, and my lovah Didi! With an open mind, I warmly greet #2 guy, Alex Lambert.

And with his first nasal note, I slam it back shut again. Alex sings about "Trouble" dogging him since the day he was born (six years ago), and I feel his misery, BELIEVE me. Go home, Alex, to that strange barber-less town where you live. Please. Go home.

Up next is Tim Urban, whom I believe to be the "Vote for the Worst" whipping boy this term. He sings "Hallelujah," and I am at a loss, because I think he's delightful. His voice is clean and true, and it's a lovely rendition of this lovely song. The VFTW people can go hang — I am solidly on the Tim Urban train. Tonight anyway.

Andrew Garcia is up next, and I do my little Zen breathing thing where I let go of all my stored Danny Gokey resentment and open my mind to the clean slate that is Andrew. He doesn't help me by gibbering unintelligbly about "roots" for about five years. Andrew is singing "Genii in a Bottle," huh, and from the first note he's lost me; I cannot abide that high reedy voice of his. I also must document Andrew's accessories: V-neck cardigan, two chunky diamond earrings, and a chain on his pants. He's like the nerdiest gang member ever.

Once again I tried, Dear Readers, Lord knows I tried, but Andrew is simply Not For Me.

Casey James sits on a stool with his acoustic guitar and sings "You'll Think of Me," very simply, with his deep, lovely voice. This is the kind of low-key but smooth performance I go all kinds of nutty for, and no, it was not Casey's pulchritude, I kept my eyes closed the whole time, sisters. I'm determined to quit posting about how very, very pretty Casey is; as TV Guide admonished Kara, "Keep it in your pants, will ya?" He is a genuinely talented man and deserves better.

Hmm, but I'm startled by the judges' lukewarm praise, and Simon's later dis of "boring" performers who "sit on a stool playing a guitar." Wow — I find almost nothing hotter than a guitar-playing long-haired lovely man straddling a stool, but then, Simon is way more intrigued by Randy in a bikini than I'll ever be, so I guess it's safe to say that our romantic fancies have little overlap.

Time for Aaron "16!" Kelly, who sings a great big song with his sweet big-boy voice, and dances awkwardly, like one of those toys where you push a button on the bottom and it does a series of deep knee bends (what are those called?). But he is very dear and seems more confident onstage than the last time I saw him. His voice is fine, he's eminently lovable, and I want a lifetime of puppies and muffins for Aaron Kelly, really I do. Can I vote for that?

And now I'm starting to worry, because the only one I've really disliked is Alex Nasalbert (well, and Andrew, but I think there's a law against voting him out), and two boys have to go home; what does this mean for Casey? But thank heaven for Todrick Hall, who tries to convince us that he wants "Somebody to Love," when it's abundantly clear that he already loves himself quite sufficiently. Todrick prances and preens and delivers an outstandingly underwhelming vocal; you need a great voice to perform this great song, which Todrick has not got. Period. But oh my is he pleased with his little prancy self. Ugh.

Michael Lynche, another high-voiced man, is bringing us home tonight, and I haven't been that impressed with him before — and when he opens "This Woman's Work" with his customary falsetto, I roll my eyes. But then he won me over with his expert command of the stage, beautiful vocals, and near-perfect connection to this song. A truly fine performance and a joy to watch and listen to. Michael Lynche, who knew?

So, wow, that was some show! Low expectations, it turns out, are exactly the right companion for an evening of Idol.

Who is going home? you ask. Well, of course I vote for Alex Nasalbert, Andrew Underwhelming, and Todrick Prancypants, but I am scared for the Nice Boys who sang clean, quieter songs: Lee, Tim, and Casey. Come on, Idol voters! (of whom I am not, so far this season anyway) Let the right one(s) in!

With that, I bid you a good night. Lady Chardonnay, OUT!

Laid-Back Ladies

2010-03-09T21:39:00.009-05:00

It's a calm, peaceful, low-key evening here at Idol tonight, which is odd, since this is the chicas' last chance to make the Top 12. But rather than sing for their lives in an all-out musical catfight, they're taking the mellow road. S'cool, baby.

First up is Katie "17!" Stevens, who sings "Breakaway" by Kelly Clarkson pretty much exactly like Kelly Clarkson, except maybe not quite as good, though Katie sounds fine and has a very nice voice. It's a low-energy performance, which (spoiler!) beautifully sets the tone for the rest of the show. Ellen says, nicely, "Child, you're 17, what on earth do you have to break away from?", and Katie replies that she's breaking away from her small town and that this song is actually quite meaningful for her, which makes me like Katie lots and lots and wish her well. Simon is also gracious with the child, which makes me go all shmoopy. I think they really like this girl and are feeling bad that she can't come back in a few years. There's the Allison Iraheta brand of 17, where you know exactly who you are, you own the stage and take no prisoners, and then there's the Katie Stevens brand, where the pieces are all there and you can kinda make out the pattern, but you haven't put the whole puzzle together yet. Well, we'll see.

Next is Siobhan Magnus, who, I just found out, I'm one degree of separation from; a woman in my writing group is pals with Siobhan's parents, which is totally cool. Siobhan sings "House of the Rising Sun" and I don't write a single word while she's singing, I am utterly mesmerized. Beautiful. Stunning. Dare I say . . . Lambert-esque? LOVED her performance.

Lacey Brown has adorable green fingernails and sings "The Story" in her scratchy Lacey voice while seducing the camera. (Li'l Martini was put off by her lipstick indulgences.) She's fine. If you like her, and I generally do, you'll like this performance okay, and if you don't you won't. She probably won't go home tonight, but I see her as an early boot from the Top 12.

I see that my nemesis Katelyn Epperly is up next, and I brace myself . . . but then she comes out looking relatively normal (except for the wild pink halo, but I blame the lighting guy for that) and sings a pleasant song from my youth ("I Feel the Earth Move") in a perfectly nice voice, and I have to struggle to remember why I dislike her so intensely. It's not a bad performance at all, but again — it's curiously laid-back and relaxed for a night with so much at stake. And isn't this girl in a band or something? You'd think she'd have more performance chops. I'm left stymied, but — good news! — I'm all done hating. Which, I'm sure, will be an enormous relief to Katelyn Epperly.

My girl crush Didi Benami is up next, and I learn from Ryan that I've been mispronouncing her name all this time. Unless Ryan is mispronouncing it. He says buh-NAW-mee, I say BEN-uh-mee. What do you say? Let's vote, then we'll tell Didi. Anyway, she sings Fleetwood Mac's "Rhiannon," and while I would have loved her to pick up the tempo a bit (no! not on Mellow Night!), I think she sounds great and unique and I continue to love her.

Oh, poor Paige Miles. How do you screw up "Smile"? The title alone is a pretty simple stage direction, miss! This song should not be a major downer! Okay, I will stop kicking, but I was bummed for her because she does have a nice voice. But I fear we shall not hear it on this stage again.

Crystal Bowersox bats seventh, singing Tracy Chapman's "Give Me One Reason," a song that sounds like every other Tracy Chapman song (which, bleh — not a fan), but Crystal makes me like it; her voice is so clear and true and beautiful, and she is such a poised and compelling performer. I haven't actually seen the boys sing yet, but from what I hear it seems like this contest is Crystal's to lose. But I've been wrong before! Pretty much every year, in fact.

(I paid close attention to what Crystal was wearing tonight, as it occurred to me that I couldn't recall a single outfit ever worn by Crystal – and even while staring straight at it, I couldn't tell you exactly what she was wearing. A — shirt? And — pants? A shapeless, colorless garment with arms and legs, I can tell you that. Intriguing.)

Bringing us home was gray-haired Lilly Scott, singing the Patsy Cline classic "I Fall to Pieces," and I have just one word: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Okay, I'm a liar, I have three more words: NO! NO! NO!

I'd really hoped that Kellie Pickler's "rendition" of "Walkin' After Midnight" was the worst Idol mutilation of the glorious Ms. Cline I would ever have to endure, but no. No! NO!

This, for me, was excruciating.

I don't think Lilly's going home, though. I think we're likely to say goodbye to Paige Miles, Lacey Brown, Katelyn Epperly, or Katie Stevens (likeliness of leaving in that order — I'm guessing that some Mama Bears were moved into ferocious protectiveness of little Katie, and that will keep her alive another day). Crystal B'sox is safe as houses, and I think Siobhan, Didi, and Lilly will easily join her in the Top 12. But who will fill those last two slots? Your guess is as good as mine.

Now bring on the boys! (Wow, if I had a nickel . . .)

Lady Chardonnay OUT!

All About Oscar

2010-03-03T11:14:00.002-05:00

Lady Chardonnay regrets she's unable to blog this week.

The Oscars are my Super Bowl, my Winter Olympics, my Summer Olympics, my Finding-Out-Who-Shot-J.R. moment — the summit, the apex, the zenith of my TV watching. And every year I host a party, which requires a feverish amount of planning (games! cocktails! attire!). Plus, I try to see every major nominee, and this year, with 10 possible Best Pictures, I've been a busy girl. (Just last night: A Single Man and An Education, back to back. Whee! I told Mr. Lady Chardonnay that five minutes into the former, all I could think about was coming home and clinging to him for many hours, but then after the latter I hated all men — husbands, fathers, beaux, they all suck — and he was free to go about his business.)

So not only Idol blogging but Idol viewing have taken a back seat; I haven't watched the show since the girls performed last week. I will catch up next Tuesday, but in the meantime, sister, I've got cocktails to concoct! (I'm working on my recipes for Avatar Blues and Inglorious Bastertinis. I'm also designing my hair and make-up after Julianne Moore's in A Single Man. I'm busy!!!)

Enjoy the boys tonight. I'll see you post-Oscar!

Where the Boys Are!

2010-02-25T18:02:00.002-05:00

Just kidding... I am going to cover both nights, but I wanted to beat Lady Char to that title. I am singing it right now, Char! And a huge thanks to you for braving the early weeks of AI.

So before I get started, I have to explain the picture. Jacob at TWoP explained Casey James as looking like the biologically improbable product of Sawyer and Dick Casablancas from VERONICA MARS. And he really does!

And now I am going to mix the genders ahead of anyone because I am too lazy to blog twice. You will notice that I am using first and last names. That is because I am refering to the AI cheat sheet.

My Favorite contestants: John Park, Tyler Grady, Siobhan Magnus and Katie Stephens. John's parents need money! Siohhan is a glass blower! Katie has an autistic grandma! I tried to sleep with boys just like Tyler all through college (until I met Mr. Crow and never ever thought of another boy again). I know, that is no reason to have favorites, but I just can't work up a head of steam for Big Mike or anyone of the curly haried girls.

My favorite performances: Didi Benami and Lee Dewyze - I don't love the whole dead best friend pimpin', but I loved her performance. And who the heck is Lee Dewyze? Does he have some backstory? Perhaps not, but he can sing for sure!

My favorite tiny little miss-steppers: Alex Lambert and Haeley Vaugn - Yes, Haley (I am sorry but just because her mom can't spell doesn't mean I have to put up with that foolishness.) your rendition of I WANT TO HOLD YOUR HAND was a train wreck, but your giant, giant mouth charms me and your voice is great and I just like you. Alex Lambert practically pooped his pants during his performance, but after he sang and talked about how awesome it was to play with the band, he just charmed the hell out of me!

The persons who heretofore annoyed the teeth off me but I am warming towards: Lilly Scott and Todrick Hall - She was so irritating singing FIXING A HOLE, but I was intrigued by the whole thing and almost had one of those "Adam Lambert singing RING OF FIRE holy crap I get it" moments that you really only get when Adam Lambert sings RING OF FIRE and you kind of love it but don't know why. And I loved that when Simon asked Todrick where he heard the funk version of SINCE YOU'VE BEEN GONE, he said, "In my head." Hello Todrick, I'm Brunie. We might just be friends!

The persons who irritate me quite a lot, but I can't deny they are talented: Crystal Bowersox and Andrew Garcia - Shut up about your stupid kids, already.

Those who I hope had a nice journey and won't be back: Tim Urban, Jermaine Sellers, Janelle Wheeler and Lacy Brown. Don't let the door hit you on the butt on the way out...

The rest of them may be back and I don't really care what happens to them.

Bitter, bitter and looking forward to finding out how this herd is culled!

Brunie, OUT!

Girls! Girls! Girls!

2010-02-23T22:18:00.013-05:00

We're off! I see that Chosen Girl Katie Stevens has the pimp spot — blow me down. And Ellen, surprisingly, is sitting in Randy's chair. What gives? (OK, that video was pretty funny.)

Paige "Previously Invisible" Miles started us off, singing "It's All Right Now" [please note: I made up most of these song titles, so no guarantees of accuracy] and doing that seal-clap thing with her arms over her head. She's a nice girl and her voice is fine, but it all feels a little flat to me. Ooh, and then there's a scary moment where the camera pans straight down her throat. Paige is beautiful from the inside.

Simon enrages me when he opines that Paige has got the best voice of the 12. Then why didn't you showcase her more on your own show, you twit? Have you not seen your own show? Does the name Melinda Lira mean nothing to you?

(I promise you that Mrs. Cynicletary is now saying, "Who?")

Next, Ashley Rodriguez shocks us all (insert sarcasm font) by committing the cardinal sin of singing Leona Lewis and sounding like Leona Lewis — I hadn't realized that L.L. had joined the pantheon of Whitney and Mariah, but okay. L.L. means nothing to me, I don't know this song, and I thought Ashley sounded very good, with nice vocal control. Then again, I'm predisposed to like her.

I'm thrilled to hear Janell Wheeler's song choice, Heart's "What About Love" — finally! something I like! — before thinking, Wait, a toothy little blondie is going to try this? Uh-oh. And yeah, it's not great — you really can't do a low-energy version of any Heart song with any success, I fear.

Ladies! Ladies! Ditch the granny panties and step up, now!

Thank heaven for Lilly Scott, who sings a Beatles song I've never heard of and pray to never hear again ("Filling a Hole"? Did Ringo write that one?), but brings her whole funky self to the performance; she is confident and assured and sounds just great. Silver-haired Lilly, who knew?

Katelyn Epperley is up next, and I have a little Zen moment with myself, where I breathe in open-mindedness and breathe out pre-conceptions, and then she comes out in that ridiculous drag queen outfit and sings "Oh Darlin'" like someone twice her age. She is confident, though, I'll give her that, and she looks like she's having fun. Woo.

Yeah, she's just not the girl for me. But no one can say I didn't give it my all.

Haley Vaughn = hot mess. Zen or no Zen.
Just curious, though: Do the judges ever scream "You're only 17!"? I feel like "16" is the only age we ever have bellowed at us. If you're a fantastically talented 17 year old, have you peaked?

Lacey Brown is cute and fetching and brings her cool scratchy voice to "Landslide," but it never really comes alive. A disappointment, I had high hopes for Lacey tonight.

Gorgeous Michelle Delamor sings a very polished version of Alicia Keys's "Fallin'," sounding, as far as I can tell, exactly like Alicia Keys. Ellen calls it "safe," and I agree. It's hard to fault Michelle too much, though; playing it safe and playing to your strengths are not unreasonable decisions on a night with so much at stake.

Didi Benami sings "You Take Me the Way I Am" and doesn't cry once; I don't love the song, but I totally love her — her funky voice, her big smile, her quiet confidence, her beautiful mouth. Did I mention her mouth twice? I'm a little obsessed. I have a total girl crush on Didi Benami. Anyway, I love her. Did I mention that? Her singing, I mean.

Oh, man, Idol is messing me up, because here comes Siobhan Magnus, and I immediately get a crush on her too. She is so odd and interesting! But what on earth does she have on her feet? It's like two tiny Buicks or something. Anyway, she sings "I Don't Want to Fall in Love" and it sounds fantastic — she's got such beautiful control of both the high and low notes. She's my favorite so far. Ellen totally agrees with me, because we are sistahs, and Simon shares my little crush on Siobhan.

Brief diversion: Did I ever mention that Siobhan has always been my favorite girl name? Even when I was a kid (when I thought it was spelled "Shovonne" — and my best friend at the time always thought I was saying "Chiffon"). Love that name. But for some reason Mr. Lady Chardonnay didn't go for it when it was time to name Mimosa. Oh, well.

Back to our girls! girls! girls! Crystal Bowersox is up next, and I am deeply enamored of her performance. She is so calm and confident, and I think she chose the perfect song. But I do agree that soon she'll need to mix it up a bit — I'd like to see her without her guitar, doing something that isn't so singer-songwritey, just to see what her range is. But tonight she was spot on. Best of the night, I think.

Not to give anything away . . . but okay, Katie Stevens, our Chosen Girl, Miss Pimp Spot herself, picked a song and a look that were both way too old for her. Maybe it's the mom in me, but I got agitated watching this open-faced wholesome teenager prowl around the stage like a lounge singer. Her voice is fantastic, though, and I don't think she's in trouble this week.

So, who's going home? In my dream world, it's Katelyn Epperley and Haley Vaughn. However, I have a feeling that Haley's high school chums are going to step up for her big time, and show that big meanie Simon a thing or two. I will not be at all surprised if Haley lives another day. Based on tonight's performance and on lack of name recognition, Janell Wheeler and Lacey Brown could be in trouble — or even Paige Miles, because of the lack of screen time. If it's anyone other than one of these five, I will be truly shocked and might even birth the proverbial cow.

(TV Guide picked Ashley Rodriguez as one to watch; I think she has enough of a fan base that she'll survive at least another week. Well, we'll know soon enough.)

I have outings every night this week, so I'm not sure when I'll get to watch the boys and blog again — so enjoy the two posts in one day, fans and friends. But don't get used to it.

Lady C, off to watch "Lost" and revel in Tuesday TV bliss!

Avoiding the Chair

2010-02-23T08:05:00.006-05:00

Sorry for the less-than-timely blogging, I simply have not been moved to write. Why does Idol feel so lackluster this season? Is it simply the absence of Paula? Have they never recovered from the dubious addition of Kara? I dunno.

Anyway — the kids and I watched the first five-hour episode in which they gave away seven seats to the Top 24, and after that exercise in excruciating slowness we unanimously agreed to skip the second marathon and instead watch Season 3 of "Soap." Excellent choice! That show was brilliant. We're caught up in the Jodie-Baby Wendy-evil Carol courtroom drama now, which is white-knuckle entertainment, let me tell you, and puts the saga of poor Angela Martin to shame.

(I do feel bad for poor Angela Martin, who seems like a very nice girl, but the way Idol used her is just gross. Anyway, she has Ellen pimping for a record deal now and her own Kara-penned song ["Climbing the Rainbow of My Dead Daddy/Missing Mama/Ill Infant to My Moment"], and that? Is the Pathway to Success, my friends. I wish her well.)

So we've got our Top 24, comprising many names I don't remember and some early favorites. Here are the 10 that I'm excited about:

Crying waitress Didi Benemi
Hippie Crystal Bowersox, with the gray teeth and killer voice
Casey James, aka Blonde Ponytail Boy — zoo-whee mama!
Chosen Girl Katie Stevens, cutie-pie whose grandma has Alzheimer's (though I'm not quite getting the judges' fawning; is she that much greater than the other girls? It's OK, though, I like her)
Tyler Grady, Titanium Wrist Boy
Ashley Rodriguez, pride of New England — great voice, great look
Janell Wheeler, pretty-pretty blondie with the surprisingly good voice
Funky girl Lacey Brown and . . .
. . . funky girl Siobhan Magnus — I love a funky girl, and these two are cool
Lilly Scott, with the dyed gray hair

Clearly, I'm into girls this season.

Then we have the Nonentity Nine, a bunch of people I don't know/remember: Michelle Delamor, Paige Dechausse, Lee DeWyze, Jose Munoz, Benjamin Honeycutt, John Park, Jermaine Sellers. I remember Aaron Kelly (he's 16, y'all!) but have no opinion about him. Big Mike Lynche, whatever, he's fine, but not worth blogging about.

There are three WTF? contestants: Haeley Vaughn and Katelyn Epperly, who sounded actively bad to me, and Alexander Lambert, who FORGOT THE LYRICS. I wish Simon would stick to his guns on this one. I loathe a lyric-forgetter.

Oh, and there's one guy I will christen Not Chris Golightly because I don't remember his name now — and even if I did, it wouldn't matter, because I don't remember him. Jason somebody? (I could hate him automatically because he's also Not Luke, Li'l Martini's man-love. However, my fickle boy is willing to switch his affections to Casey or Tyler, so all is well.)

And finally we have Andrew "Gokey 2.0" Garcia, whom I will try very, very hard to warm up to, as he is clearly this year's Chosen Boy, and it would be easier to make my peace with this now than to spend the season gnashing my teeth. It's not that he's a bad singer — he's fine (like Danny), competent (like Danny), a tad pleased with himself (soooooo like Danny), and, to me, utterly undeserving of the judges' absolute adoration. Oh, he'll go far, that one.

Some all-girl action tonight — you know I'll be there! Me and Katy Perry.

Lady Chardonnay OUT.

My Broken Hollywood Heart

2010-02-09T21:16:00.007-05:00

In general, I don't have much to say — for the most part, good singers went on to sing another day, and the less good singers went home.

Except for Maddy Curtis, aka the sister of four brothers with Down syndrome, aka the 16 year old with the great big beautiful voice. Mimosa and I loved Maddy Curtis, big time, and our little hearts have gone break-break-break.

But I'm happy to see that my Titanium Wrist Boy is coming back, and that sweet girl whose grandma has Alzheimer's, and the emotional waitress, and the newly tattooed single mom, and while I found Hillbilly Girl's story excruciating, I was never a fan of her voice, so my aorta stayed intact . . . anyway. Some good singers this year. Mostly girls.

But, oh my, Mr. Blond Ponytail who plays blues guitar — where did you come from, honey? Mimosa and I perked right up when he began a-strummin'. What a pretty, pretty boy. I mean voice.

As for Andrew Garcia with the neck tattoo and the weeping daddy — I enjoyed his ballsy rendition of a Paula Abdul song and he seems like a nice fellow, but I'm just not a big fan. "He's this year's Danny Gokey," I said to Mimosa, who frowned and said, "Was he the one with the wart?" (How quickly they forget.)

Let's see, anything else? (My notes are upstairs.) Ellen was — Ellen. If you like Ellen, which I do, you enjoyed her tonight. If you're not sure what she's doing here, nothing she did tonight will shed any light on that particular question. I think she was a little nervous, maybe, and is still finding her own judging rhythm. More will be revealed . . .

One final note: Whither Li'l Martini? you may be asking. My nine year old fell in love early on with a fellow named "Luke" (whom neither Mimosa nor I can remember) and spent the entire hour with his face inches from the screen searching for his beloved. After some research (because I love knowledge, in fact I yearn for it) I believe this to be Luke Shaffer — and I also know what fate has in store for this handsome lad, according to the spoiler Web sites anyway. Should I tell my precious or let him be surprised? Does your opinion change if it's a good surprise vs. a bad one? Please weigh in, I'm stymied here — Vicki Iovine didn't cover American Idol in her Girlfriend's Guides to Parenting.

Mimosa is auditioning for a solo this week (she sings in her school choir) — keep your fingers crossed! I plan to be a fabulous stage parent (think Ethel Merman in Gypsy). Is it too soon to plan my outfit?

Ta-ta for now!

Lady Chardonnay, happy to be in Hollywood AT LAST!!!

"I wish you could taste what I taste right now!"

2010-01-28T19:52:00.008-05:00

And that word is: love.

Oh, how I heart Neil Patrick Harris!!! And it makes me even more excited for Ellen — a smart, funny judge who can stand up to Simon. Music industry cred, shmusic industry cred, that's what I say.

Mimosa (my 12 year old) and I had to watch last night's episode on something called WiseVid — I forgot to take into account our awesome Prez's State o' the Union Address and tuned in too late. But I could not miss NPH! And I'm glad I didn't, because the pickings were sweet in Dallas, notably:

Dockworker Lloyd, with the big Chikeze smile and a voice like Ruben's (who gave us the memorable quote above — alas, I didn't see what he was tasting at the time, but Mimosa assured me that it wasn't his golden ticket)
Kimberly Carver — usually, the words "I'm going to sing an original song" are cause for a panic attack, but Kimberly's song was fine, I love her voice, and while she needs a makeover, for sure, I really really like her — she's my new besty
Erin "Barney Kid" Rhodes — didn't love her baby voice but LOVED her whip and her sass
Dave Pitman, young man with Tourette's who sang Sam Cooke oh so sweetly ("I think you're crazy brave," said Neil Patrick, oh so sweetly — DANG me, I love him so!)

Then Neil Patrick left, and young Joe Jonas took his place. At first we groused at this news — a double whammy! Neil Patrick gone, boo-hoo! A Jonas Brother in our face for half an hour, ughy-pew! (We are not fans. Of any Jonas.) (Well, except for Salk — he totally rocked.) But then a small miracle happened, and we grew to love Judge Joe because he was so freakin' funny. Not for anything he said or did, you understand, but for the fact that he said or did almost nothing. Half the time, the camera wasn't even on him when he voted. Even the stolid monosyllabic Mary J. Blige had more of a presence. And his total non-presence quickly threw us into hysterics.

So, lemons —> lemonade, and all was sunshine and lollipops again in the Chardonnay household.

Just in time for Todrick Hall, who sang the second original song of the evening and made us laugh. His voice is just OK, but props for a clever way with a lyric, young squire.

Other notable contestants:

Dawntoya, who has just a nice average voice, but who sported a great necklace and the best name ever
Meagan Wright, darling girl with a fantastic smoky voice and a possibly impaired brother — love her!
Christian Speare, leukemia survivor, sounded a little old-fashioned to me, but a sweet girl nonetheless

Hmm, just a few more things:

Fey Dexter Ward was just as cute as a gay little button, but we felt pummeled by his incessant winking; Li'l Martini ran in from the other room to see why we were shrieking, and insisted that we rewind and replay several more times
At one point, I saw Kara vote with her boobs — trippy!

And finally:

I really want to hear more from the guy who survived the blood blister — how did the Idol Inspirational Story Seekers miss this luckless fellow?

I think we have just one more week of this, yes? And then — we're goin' to Hollywood, baby!

Lady Dawntoya Chardonnay, OUT!

Katy Perry: Beeyatch or Brill?

2010-01-27T20:32:00.004-05:00

The Idol blogosphere seems somewhat divided on this question, but I stand by my original statement:

When you're invited to a party, you don't crap on the host. If your bad self must be unleashed, save it for the guests.

If I were an Idol judge, I would like to believe that the other adults in the room had my back — that we were a team, united in our efforts to judge (meaning, praise and/or pan) the young contestants. I would not like having to dodge the slings and arrows of my colleagues' increasingly barbed remarks.

Particularly if I (read "Kara") have already mastered appearing ridiculous all on my own.

I'm no fan of Kara's, but this was absurdly petty and one-sided. Seriously, Katy — you couldn't find anything mockable in Randy's excessive jewelry and used-car-salesman vibe? Simon's ill-fitting wardrobe and clumsy metaphors? Only Kara's over-earnestness required your commentary?

Whatever.

Lady C, oh-so-ready to be done with these wretched auditions, and OUT!

"There is no reality but what we make for ourselves, man"

2010-01-27T10:00:00.010-05:00

Thus "exultated" last night's first (and sweatiest) Idol aspirant.

(When he appeared on screen, my children gasped simultaneously, and not in a good way.)

As Idol freaks go, though, Sweaty Neil seemed pretty tame, and I'm not sure why we spent so much time on him.

But wait — I've gotten ahead of myself.

Last week my VCR made me miss Shania (anointed by TV Guide readers as the "best" guest judge yet — the worst, FYI, was Mary J. Blige), but I saw and enjoyed perky Kristen Chenoweth, who brought new life to the Kara-bot. In fact, Kristen was more fun than any of the contestants, though I did enjoy the Human Beat Boxer Jay Stone, who had a nice voice when he wasn't spitting and sputtering. (Personally, I believe that anyone with a halfway decent voice sounds better than they are when they sing an amazing song, such as "Ain't No Sunshine" or "Someone to Watch Over Me" — it's really hard to screw those up. We'll see how he sounds on Country Night.)

When Kristen went home and it was just the Big Three, a wave of longing for Paula hit me hard. Kara takes it all too seriously, as does "Sime" on occasion, and their petulant hissy fits are the Idol moments I dislike most. And surprisingly, it makes me appreciate Randy, who knows it's all a big joke and is there for the paycheck, God love him. I'm looking forward to Ellen, but I still want Kara to go home.

(Except last night I felt very protective of her. Katy Perry is a beeyatch. I had to cheer the otherwise awful contestant who mocked Katy's slutty neckline [after touching himself, ew].)

Back to Kristen-less Tuesday. I was so relieved when the New Jersey sisters who auditioned together were pretty much equally moderately talented; I'm still haunted by the cross-eyed BFF (or, according to her, "BFF forever!") who couldn't sing at all and had to pretend to be supportive of her prettier and more talented besty while the camera pored into her glistening orange face for about seven hours. Yikes.

On to Hollywood and Avril Lavigne!

I liked Mary Powers, the rock'n'roller who sang Pat Benatar with a nice scratchy voice — with a shower and a cute cocktail dress, she will look fabulous and sound great. I desperately wanted to like Andrew Garcia, with the neck tattoo and the adorable weeping father, and I'm glad the judges liked him, but high-voiced men just don't do it for me. (I was likewise unimpressed with the Country Boy Pastor – me and Avril, we are sistahs — and Tasha, the cute singing minister, but the judges were happy, and what more do I ask?)

As for Chris "25 Foster Homes" Golightly, what is there to say, really? It's a sad story (currently playing as "Life Unexpected" on the CW network - check it out!), and he's a sweet boy with a sweet voice. Will he rise to the occasion and soar in Hollywood, or succumb to the pressure and be eaten alive? Now that will be a very special Idol story, indeed.

My alternate title for this post was "The Sound of One Hand Blogging." I think my sister bloggers are adopting a wait-and-see attitude for this, the dullest Idol season yet, as who can blame them? But I will continue to flog this ailing horse as long as the spirit moves me.

(Or spirits — I do enjoy my spirits.)

Neil Patrick Harris tonight! Color me happy.

Lady Chardonnay, bidding adieu (to yieu and yieu and yieu).

"My great-uncle discovered Gladys Knight and the Pips. His name is Clyde."

2010-01-14T10:51:00.005-05:00

OK, that is, like, the best Idol quote ever.

I have little to say about last night's show, except that it was harder to guess who would sing well based on his or her presentation. Seriously, did you expect that nice low voice to come out of Guitar Girl?

And this: Only Simon would be an ass to Miss Congeniality. The nicest and best-liked girl out of 50? That is an honor. Period.

Lady Chardonnay OUT.

Déjà Vu All Over Again

2010-01-13T15:42:00.005-05:00

Hey, haven't I seen you here before?

So, last night. Some people sang. Some were good, some were bad. Ninety-nine percent of the time, you knew which would be which before they opened their mouths. (Titanium Wrist Boy was my one surprise — I was prepared for him to be a train wreck, but he was lovely! I must've had on my schmoopy look, as Mimosa leaned over during his song and said, "You want a hug?")

The judges blathered and bickered, postured and pontificated.

Victoria Beckham was a surprisingly gracious addition (I thought she'd be a snot), though she seemed to have as many comments about people's appearance as their vocal abilities, which was odd — though also honest, I guess, as this show has always been about both. I'm still bitter about that poor dumpy nanny from years back with the beautiful voice — pre-Susan Boyle, that babe didn't stand a chance.

No one really stood out for me, but I do have questions:

After those two exuberant back slaps he received from muscular contestants, will poor wee Ryan start wearing protection?
How did the judges keep a straight face throughout scatting Wizard of Oz chick?
And then how on earth did she get through? To paraphrase the immortal words of Jeff Spicoli, People on 'ludes should NOT judge.
How does one make a living as an actor on a speed boat?
Similar question: Is "college graduate" really a profession? Dang, I've been missing a bet all these years.
Are there any Idol words more terrifying than "an inspirational story of courage"? (Justin Williams! Cancer-free! Handsome, talented, self-satisfied! It's one for the ages.)

My favorites from last night are the aforementioned Titanium Wrist Boy and Jess Wolfe, cute blondish girl with great glasses, whom we saw for five seconds. (Said Mimosa, "I knew you'd like her, because she looks like you, a little bit." My daughter is wise and pretty and good. And raised perfectly.)

Mrs. Cynicletary says she's getting a "jumped the shark" vibe this season. I'm not cuing the theme from Jaws yet — I'm still anticipating the certain joy of upcoming guest judge Neil Patrick Harris — but today, yes, ennui engulfs me. I think I've even written this post before. And I'm newly recovered from stomach flu, I can't even turn to strong drink to lift my spirits. C'est la vie.

Ever thine,
Lady Chardonnay

From Paula to . . . Ellen?

2009-09-25T14:17:00.003-04:00

Hmm. A curious choice.

On the whole, though, I'm optimistic. The biggest concern I'm hearing seems to be Ellen's total lack of experience in the music industry rather than her ability to be smart, funny, and entertaining (all of which she has been in the past and is likely to be in the future).

But I believe you could say the same thing about one of my favorite Idol guest judges, Mr. Quentin Tarantino. Musical background? No. An innate understanding of what is entertaining—what makes a performance over-the-top great ? For sure.

I think Ellen will surprise us. She won't be Quentin Tarantino but she'll be as good as Quentin Tarantino, just in her own Elleny way.

My two cents! (which, in the Chardonnay household, is worth a dollar)

Lady Chardonnay, TGIFing and out!

Shock and Awe(ful)

2009-08-08T11:15:00.002-04:00

I am stunned by Paula's departure from the scene.

Paula out? Kara in?

NO, Idol. No!!!

And . . . sticking with four judges, a format that's been roundly derided by critics world-wide??

What are they thinking?

And . . . the rotating panel of fourth judges includes (yowza) Posh Spice and Katy Perry? And Mrs. Beckham herself is currently overseeing the auditions with Simon, Randy, and Kara?

I am TRULY at a loss.

Lady Chardonnay, stunned, sad, and out.

Blessed Are the Meek: For They . . .

2009-05-21T08:11:00.013-04:00

. . . are the next American Idol!

I take nothing away from sweet Kris. Well-played, well-earned, well done—he had a KICKIN' season, and I couldn't be happier for him.

We've all seen Idolettes who've grown and blossomed throughout the season, but we haven't seen one of them win before. And, I would argue, every season up till now, it wasn't that hard to figure out who would win, if you were paying attention to things like never being in the bottom three. But this year knocked everything I "knew" on its head.

Adam was not for all tastes, and, as I noted before, there were people who would never vote for him for reasons that have nothing to do with singing. It doesn't matter. He is going to have a brilliant career. I'm nothing but happy this morning.

So let's go back in time now, shall we, and talk about these two crazy shows?

Honest Liz hosted a party on Tuesday, which was great fun. Attendees were me, Brunie, Mimosa, Wilbur, Little Joe, and Felicity Goddess Mother (FGM). A great deal of hooch was poured, and my favorite snack was the never-ending glass of Twizzlers. Good times!

The TV screen split, revealing Adam on one side and Kris on the other. Dramatic! The leopard vs. the puppy! See, you think the leopard will win, don't you? So you try to save the puppy. Dang. I should've thought of that. But at the time I'm all, Go, leopard! Sigh.

We speculate over whether Kara did indeed write this year's Crappy Coronation Song. "Kara writes the songs that make me vomit," opined one quipster (much hooch had been poured, it took me an hour to puzzle out the word "vomit" here from my notes—don't ask me to accurately report who said anything).

Ongoing topic of the evening: Would you rather hear that your child was going to jail, war, or Harvard? Don't ask.

FGM waxed rhapsodic over Adam's eye make-up, wishing he'd write a book of eyeliner tips. Ooh, career path! 'Cause (spoiler!) I happen to know he'll need a paying gig, come tomorrow.

We are stupefied by our first glimpses of the judges. Paula has been bronzed and is honoring her Irish roots by dressing in lucky green. And is honoring her whorish roots with her boobage, there is no other explanation.

Simon, not to be outdone, displays his own boobage. My God, it's a forest in there. I shield my daughter's eyes. The boys grow very excited and verbose, and Brunie Lays Down the Law, namely, You don't speak when Simon speaks. We got it.

Adam performs "Mad World" and it's as eerie and beautiful as I remember, and also strangely full of joy, and I love Adam so much. Simon, who's been sniping all season that this is a singing competition, criticizes Adam's . . . coat.

Okay. See, as I "recap," all the signs were there, I just didn't read them, I was busy holding up my empty glass and saying, "Wilburrrrr?" in my most cajoling voice. Yes, I was enticing 11 year olds to pour my wine. Your point?

Kris sings "Ain't No Sunshine" and it's awesome and he's adorable and we had a group swoon. (Honest Liz, I meant to clean that up after—sorry!)

Paula's bright greenness amuses us for the rest of the evening. She said . . . something, and I shouted, "Blarney!" in a lilting Irish accent. Oh how we laughed.

Randy's jacket is likewise cracking me up. After the show he'll sell you a car!

We see Kris holding a prop baby, and I want to vote for him immediately.

Adam comes out wearing such tight pants, Brunie comments, "I can tell his religion from here." He sings "A Change Is Gonna Come" and emotes like crazy. Mimosa and I are drinkin' the Kool-Aid, we sway on the sofa, arms overhead. I wish I had a lighter to hold up. Adam cares. Also, we admire his exquisite dental work. Adam flosses.

Katie Holmes is in the house! Covering Suri's ears! "She doesn't want Suri to know that some men are gay," I whisper. Hee.

"You can sing your face off" is really not a compliment I enjoy. Bad visual. Let's find another one, shall we, Randy?

Kara says "artistry," I yell "Artistry!" and take a drink, which amuses the boys, because they are young. I told them that I also get to drink for "Make it your own" and "rainbow." Not to give anything away, but Kara got me snockered.

Paula said something, and I cried "Paula go bragh-less!" in my wonderful Irish accent. This brought down the crowd, because we are young. And snockered.

And we are just in the mood for a Crappy Coronation Song, which doesn't disappoint. This Is My Shining Rainbow Moment, My Now, While I Climb the Mountain, as sung by Adam and then Kris, and Brunie and I have a minor dust-up over whether it's actually the same song (I say yes, she says no), but as dust-ups go, this one set a new record for minor—(1) see "snockered" above, and (2) once seated, neither of us actually likes to get up. But she felt my wrath, I'll you that.

Folks, I've been working nine-hour days at the computer for the past week and a half (hence, the lack of blogging) and my wrists are killing me, so I must stop for now and "do" the finale later. I will leave you with a final anecdote:

Brunie called me at 10:10 last night and said, "Can you believe it? FGM was pissed." I said, "I haven't watched it yet. Wait, FGM liked Kris, right? Kris doesn't win?" Brunie back-pedaled marvelously but ordered me to watch it, and also said that something happened that made her like Kara after all. Me: "She realized that her song was crap and said that no one has to sing it after all?" Brunie: "I don't like her that much."

(I stopped working at midnight, took a quick hot shower, and fell into bed with the tape Mr. Lady C had made for me . . . which stopped right after Tatiana. So, in fact, Ms. Brunie, you did tell me who the winner is! For which I am grateful.)

Lady Chardonnay OUT! But back again soon.

LaSalle and Alabama!

2009-05-20T20:34:00.003-04:00

I could have sworn that Ryan introduced them as LaSalle and Alabama. He is such a mush mouth. And the boys' mics are not working.

Why did they keep Micahela Gordon on the payroll? Carly is okay - at least she was last season. I think I was not even wearing support hose when MG was on there.

SO the idolettes come out and sing ROCK STAR - which is a real song, much to my surprise. And Wilbur says, "I hate this crap..." And I can't disagree. It blows.

Then David Cookie Monster comes out to sing and Honest Liz needs an adult undergarment. He has a really nice voice. He stll looks like he has a giant brain. (Must be all the vocabulary!) He can really sing. The disembodied hands of idol wave back and forth like inferi in the cave of the horcrux!

Then they do horrible flashbacks to the horrible people that I hate. I am sure Norman Gentle will be carrying this bad boy home. And I called the velcro pants. According to HL, "It's going to be a long two hours. Steve Martin is rolling over in his...oh, never mind..."

Lil and her amazing boobs come out on stage and is met by Queen Latifah singing some song I have never heard. For a really long time.

Jason Mraz must be so freaking sick of this song he is singing with Anoop and the girl whose name I forgot weeks ago.

Keith Urban and Kris sing a song that I actually heard before. (Thanks, NASCAR!) They sound fine. I don't really like this kind of country music. Either stay in the roadhouse like Dwight Yokam or take it all the way over to the Jayhawks. This is kind of half-assed pop/country. Like Juice Newton. (Okay, I did love her...)

At the commercials Wilbur would sing "Skip it! Skip it! I'm an angry little boy! Skip it!"

What the hell is this song? Flossie, flossie? Great crapping Hattie. Fergie's shoes scare the living daylights out of me, and her face is scarily botoxed. Wilbur, "I sure hope she falls!" I love the way ALlison yells, "The Black-Eyed PEEEEEEEEAS!" They were interesting.

And then the horror show of women who made me crazy. And bikini girl has new boobs! And Ryan mentions it. And Kara shows us that not only can she sing, but she also has an awesome body. And I like her for the first time in weeks.

And Allison is singing with Cyndy Lauper and Felicity Goddess Mother has an anuerism and dies. We will miss her. Not to be catty, but Cyndy has definetly had work done. She's still odd, though.

So we were talking about who would sing with the near-idols and when Danny came out someone said, "He will be singing with Liam Neeson!" But it was Lionel Ritchie.

And now Adam is singing BETH and I am finally understanding the Sheriff of Sarcasm being in love despite his obvious preference for the boys. Dreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeamy! And KISS comes out and blows everyone's mind.

Now Steve Martin is not in his grave, but rather playing the banjo for Sarver, who sounds good. And Megan Joy sounds a little creaky, but she grows on me. And their harmony is nice. And Steve Martin wrote that song! I like the "took you out to dinner" part.

Commercials come and they are singing DO YOU THINK I'M SEXY? Why? Because Rod Stewart's grandpa is here! He sounds bad, but I do appreciate all the previous singing. When he sings, "The morning sun, when it's in your face, really shows your age." FHM said, "You too, Rod. You too..."

And more horrible flashbacks. And I am forced to see Tatiana again! And there is an unfunny bit where she pretends that she isn't supposed to be making a fool of herself.

And now they are singing QUEEN, because Adam is the lost love child of Freddie Mercury. Incidentally - you must all go read FREDDIE AND ME because it is awesome. The boys sound great, but I want to know who wins and go to bed now... HL says, "Oh man, Kara and Paula..." and Wilbur says "...are DRUNK!"

And now we will find out it is KRIS. We are all in shock. He is a love duck, but Adam is so much better. Even Kris says, "Adam deserves this!" So I love him a wee bit more. And Adam moved to the back of the idolettes. And according to HL and FGM he is crying and his sparkles are falling into Allison's hair.

I can't wait 'til Lady C. finds out what happened...

Brunie, OUT!

As Hall and Oates Would Say: She's Gone

2009-05-15T15:58:00.011-04:00

What a quiet trio we are!

I was saying to Mrs. Cynicletary today, there's just something flat about Idol after the fourth runner-up goes home. Maybe not every year . . . but Season 3, I simply stopped watching when La Toya London waved goodbye. Diana, Jasmine, Aphasia? Color me SO bored. Season 4, I knew Carrie was going to win, yawn, I loved Bo and liked Vonzell, but my true favorite was my darling Anthony Fedorov, and I missed him desperately thereafter. And in Season 6, only after Chris Daughtry went home (back to the place where he belongs) did I realize that he'd been my favorite all along.

And that's how I feel right now. I love Adam, of course, and am as tickled as can be that he'll sing against Kris rather than smug Danny, but oh! how it all pales next to my dream of an Allison-Adam finale! My anxiety over darling Allison, her knockout performances followed by her weekly damning with faint praise, her uncertain place on the Couch of Safety—this has kept me riveted, week in, week out.

Now . . . whatev. No matter who wins, Adam will go on to have a brilliant career, and Kris, our Most Improved Idol, will do just fine. The finale . . . just doesn't matter.

I miss my girl!

Oh, well.

I have nothing substantial to say about this week's show, so here's some randomness:

Random Danny quote: "As the show goes on, you feel the pressure as the show goes on." No kidding.
Random Adam note: Every week, after he's declared "safe," he mouths "Thank you" to me and to America. My sweet gay son has nice manners, does he not?
Random Kris fact (I love this SO MUCH): His ringtone is the theme to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!

That's all I got.

Finale party next week at Honest Liz's! Where I shall attempt to get my groove back via festive libations.

Until then—Lady Chardonnay OUT!

The X-Factor

2009-05-13T13:49:00.002-04:00

All three guys are excellent singers. It comes down to the emotional connection for me. Adam is very talented and a good technical singer. He has a clear view of his image. But watching him just leaves me a little cold. Kris is also very talented, and a laid-back cutie type of guy. I bet he's a good friend. With Danny - I am feeling him. The emotional connection is there for me and I find him to be the most authentic.
So, I am thinking Danny & Adam in the finals. But, wouldn't it be funny if Kris won it all? Now that would be a surprise.

Love & Kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

Rock on!

2009-05-06T14:56:00.002-04:00

Unlike Lady C., I was born this century and love the rock and or roll! It was funny to see Slash's face - not his eyes of course, but look - he does have a nose and mouth! And he speaks!

Adam: He started out with the smarm and fakiness again, but I gotta hand it to him, he really kicked ass at the end of Whole Lotta Love. I have been waiting for him to sing some Led Zep all season, and he for sure did it well. I was also waiting for Slash to say how much he sounds like Axel Rose - but if he did it was not on camera. Kara - he is NOT a Rock God, and you are not a good analyst. She was particularly annoying last night.

Allison: Well I must agree with Brunie that I liked Allison's version of Cry Baby even better than the awesome Janis! She is a better singer than Janis was and I thought she did a great job. She made a strong emotional connection too. I liked her hair - more brown, and more extensions. She looked good!

Danny & Kris: Their harmonies were beautiful! I don't love the song, nor do I usually like duets between two guys, but they did well. Kris looked a little more comfortable, but Danny sounded a little stronger, and he looks good in red.

Kris: Kris is the most improved idol, and he continued to sound good and look relaxed with Come Together. I really liked the breakdown in the middle. And about whatever Kara says - I. Don't. Care.

Danny: The scream at the end was good in the rehearsal take, but in the show he kinda blew it. That kind of screaming is what ruined Steven Tyler's vocal chords. I wonder if Danny has laryngitis today. I love me some Danny and feel sure that he is safe, but it was not his best performance. BTW, Kara - you said that Danny should sing some older Aerosmith than Dream on, like Crying or Crazy. MORON - Crying and Crazy were songs of theirs from the 90's and Dream On is from the 70's - a MUCH older song of theirs. You are just stupid.

Duet dos: Allison and Adam sing Slow Ride. I liked it. She has a lower voice than he! I like Allison in tight pants and clunky boots - good looks! Adam seemed out of place somehow in the lineup last night. And is he wearing heels or something - I don't remember him looking so tall.

So, I am thinking that Kris goes tonight. Finals should be Danny and Allison, but it might be Danny and Adam, or Adam and Allison...

Paula takes the stage tonight? Oh no!

Love & Kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

I Can Stand Anything for an Hour, But That's All

2009-05-05T21:47:00.006-04:00

Here are the notes I jotted:

Slash—was he married to an Everley Brothers daughter?
Kara's hair looks horrible.
Paula's boobs . . . are so very visible. For God's sake, I can match drapes to those things.

What I did not take notes on:

Adam's song
Allison's song
Kris's song
Danny's song

Because ohmygodthismusicbleh. I'm just saying. Your mileage may vary.

I did enjoy the A&A duet—what a magnificent Final Two they would be. And I liked Kris's version of "Come Together" way more than Carly's version of it last year, and as I recall, the judges wet themselves over Carly, so go figure.

For the first time, I got some busy signals when dialing tonight (for Allison)—good sign? Hope so!

Lady Chardonnay OUT.

Rock and Roll all night...

2009-05-05T20:23:00.002-04:00

So Slash is the helper o'the day. And I don't know how much he had to do with it but Adam KILLED with WHOLE LOTTA LOVE. Mr. Crow nearly grabbed his heart and fell to the ground when he heard his beloved Led Zep being played on Idol. He said, "Surely Jimmy Page didn't authorize this..." And Honest Liz and I just looked at him as if to say, "Oh yes, no one hardly at all watches this show. He'll never find out.."

So next came Allison and HL and I adored her. The judges didn't seem to share our excitement. But we looked at each other after she sang with a guilty face. Because we both liked it better than the Joplin version. Not that I don't love Janis, but I thought that Allison made it a little more musical. And she was a hoot after with her little saucy talk.

Now Danny and Kris are sounding amazing on Styx's RENEGADE. Shockingly, I agreed with Randy that their harmonies were beautiful. And stronger than the solo parts. Also Kara made me smile for the first time ever by saying, "You are the guys that help the little women cross the street." I am assuming that Danny took Amy will grab Kris's arm and Meg will pat Danny's arm gently as she comforts him for his loss. Beth will watch from heaven with his wife. Jo wouldn't be caught dead with this bunch, but she might see if Allison wants to go skating or hiking or something. [Maybe jaunt to Prince Edward Island to see Anne of Green Gables, says HL.]

Kris hoped to pee his pants in front of Slash which amused me. He sand COME TOGETHER. I didn't expect to like it at all. I am not a fan of this song in general. But he sounded smooth and edgy enough to carry it off. I liked it a lot. And I am shocked that I agree with Randy again. Did someone slip him some make-brunie-happy pills? In other news HL hates Kara. Simon called it "Like eating ice for lunch" to which Wilbur said, 'The perfect meal for the summer..."

Danny is singing DREAM ON "like a dying velociraptor" according to Wilbur. He sounds fine, but it is the weakest of the night. Paula dances and "looks like she should be working for Willy Wonka". He looks like an angry hobbit and he completely blew the scream at the end. In a perfect world, that would be his ticket home. But it might not be. And sweet baby James, I actually agreed with Kara. She annoys me still, but she was accurate.

Adam and Allison sang SLOW RIDE, which I always think of as kind of a dull song, and did a great job. They were cute as bugs and rocked out. Loved them...

Weakest of the night was Danny, to be sure. But his rabid fans might just save his cheesy Wisconsin bacon.

Brunie, OUT!

What are you doing after?

2009-05-01T17:04:00.004-04:00

Lady Char and Mrs. Cyn have covered the action beautifully. Everyone with the possible exception of Matt did an amazing job. I was just as floored as the next guy when Adam ended up in the bottom three! And I loved it that Kris went back to the couches of safely before he did. They never said if that means he had the second lowest score, though. At this point I truly don't care who leaves! I really like all four of them and they each have a specific strength which I will tell you now!

Kris Kewtie-Pie- He is the prettiest! But also, he is the most commercial right now. Cheeze Whiz, I sound like Kara - ew... But he is all Jason Mrazzy or John Mayery or Ryan Montbleuy. He has a nice sound and his only obvious flaw is his propensity for making his jaw go sideways.

Danny Deadwife - When I close my eyes and don't have to look at his hobbittey dancing he has the most appealing boy-voice on the show. It is really beautiful. And he (or the powers that be) have stopped beating me about the head and neck with his marriage. Also, he is from Wisconsin. Which is a nice place.

Allison Adolescent - She has the best girl-voice! And the only boobs. (Other than Danny.) She is cute as a bug and is almost a savant at singing! She doesn't seem like the brightest bulb on the tree, but she can belt them out.

Adam Amazing - I am sorry to be so biased, but I really think he is far and away the best performer. He is also the one who started taking chances early and really set the bar for an amazing season of risk taking and stellar performances. When Taylor Hicks was on the other night, I looked at him and thought - he wouldn't have made it into the top 5 this year! Go Adam!

And now, the explanation for the picture. Wednesday night Wilbur and I went to Honest Liz's place to watch with her and Felicity Goddess-Mother. He was so funny all night long. When he first saw Paula's outfit and HL said she looked gift-wrapped he said, "She must be giving herself to Simon." But the best comment of the night was when Paula said that Adam makes her feel amazing. Wilbur said, in a perfect Paula-impresison voice, "Do you want to go to Papa Gino's with me after the show?" We laughed so hard that we nearly fell off furniture and soiled ourselves. The best part is that I have been sending students to Honest Liz's classroom asking her if she wants to go to Papa Gino's after school and it is funny every time!

I just don't know what to hope for next week!

Brunie, OUT!

Best final five ever!

2009-04-29T14:07:00.002-04:00

Last night was a fabulous night of songs that I not only do not hate, but that I like. A lot. And I like all of the remaining kids too, so it gets tricky from here on out.

I was pleasantly surprised to see Jamie Foxx as the mentor. He was just perfect in Ray, and is an excellent musician and performer. I thought he really paid attention and tried to give constructive criticism to the kids.

Kris: Kris continues to sound great and to look relaxed. He sang a beautiful song beautifully, although at a couple of points he had a look in his eyes that said, I am about to forget the lyrics, or he remembered that he left the iron on. I don't know what it was, but I saw glimmers of panic.

Allison: WOW! WOOOOW! Someone to Watch Over Me is a gorgeous song and Allison performed exquisitely. She made even the cynical(tary) tear up. Allison will be a huge star! And she looked pretty too. Now if only she had highlights of red in brown hair instead of brown in red hair. We're getting closer though!

Matt: Matt got excellent advice from Jamie on singing a VERY difficult song. It is so easy to get pitchy on this one. Matt had a couple of seconds of lack of perfection, but overall gave a lovely rendition of the classic Funny Valentine.

Danny: Come Rain or Come Shine is another gorgeous song that I learned at my voice lessons in school. I just love it. Danny's runs were perfection and he really brought it on home at the end.The big finish gave me goosebumps! Danny is S-A-F-E!

Adam: Adam chose another beautiful song, Feeling Good. I have the Nina Simone version on my Ipod. He sang it well enough, but the smarm factor was in full effect last night. He did not give me chills nor goosebumps. It was not thrilling. I did not say wow. He looked puffy and he needs a dermatologist. I thought it was his worst performance in weeks.

In general I must say that the song choices and the performances were superior. I think I would only be upset if Danny or Allison goes home tonight. I think Matt or Kris will be the buh-bye tonight, although both of them are talented singers who will have successful careers. At this point, it is almost better to lose so that you can hang on to some semblance of creative control of your music. Last night was Idol at its best - fine examples of real singing of real songs - songs that all the little ones in the audience need to know.

Love & Kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

Guys and a Doll

2009-04-28T21:12:00.010-04:00

Rat Pack Night with this oh-so-very adorable Top Five? My cup runneth over!

And it was most entertaining to try to guess this week's guest judge. I thought Matt's ideas (Michael Bublé, Rod Stewart) were good possibilities, and I honestly hoped that my guess, Harry Connick Jr., was dead wrong . . . and then when we saw who it was, well, silly us, because who could be a more logical fit for Standards Night than Jamie Foxx?

Yeah.

But the joke was on me (in case you didn't catch my subtle eye-rolling up there), because I thought he did a great job. Jamie and Quentin, they may not take the path of the more musical mentors (Manilow, say, or David Foster, who were also great with the Idolettes), but they know what makes a good performance, and they know how to communicate that knowledge to someone else. And since this show is as much about performance and popularity as it is about singing, that kind of mentor is not only useful but downright necessary.

Cute Kris opened the show, looking as handsome as all giddy-up (though I wish he'd shaved) and delivering a clean, quiet, assured performance of "The Way You Look Tonight," a song that does half the work for you by being so simply beautiful. It was a very grown-up performance for our sweet young man, and I loved it.

The judges (with the exception of Mr. Too Cool for School) are very glam and shiny tonight, and Paula is gift-wrapped!

Mimosa pointed out that Kris and Ryan are celebrating Twin Day. Oh those dear boys—I think they went suit-shopping together. And then bought those Miami Vice razors that leave just a bit of Don-Johnson stubble. And then made up a secret handshake and became aftershave brothers.

Jamie was so sweet, talking to Allison about who watches over her, that I started to well up a bit. And then my awesome girl stood still and simply sang that classic, torchy song, and the tears poured down my face. What a joy she is. A totally exquisite performance.

(Randy's been cracking me up lately, talking about he "worried" he gets when he hears what songs the Idolettes have chosen. Dude! Try some Ambien for that.)

I like Matt in a hat, but "My Funny Valentine" can be tough to sing (I wonder if Brunie will tell us her favorite singer of this song—in fact, if I remember correctly, the only person she wants to hear sing it), and I'm not sure he nailed it. The tempo was way too slow, and the beginning notes seemed off. (Dare I say "pitchy"? Ah, "pitchy"—the "artistry" of yesteryear.) It was okay, and definitely the most creative arrangement so far, but not a great performance, I fear.

And then Simon opens his piehole, and out pours incomprehensible gibberish. He loved Matt and didn't love Allison? I am at a loss. Is he trying to save Allison by making Matt's fans complacent?

Danny's up next and tells us that he's "not changing [the song] too much," to which I say, "Blow me down." I think I'm feeling so negatively toward Danny because I see him as Adam's main competition in the contest that nobody's talking about: Homophobic American Idol. There are people who simply won't vote for Adam, even if he's far and away the best singer the show has ever seen (which he might or might not be—that's not the point). Which makes Miss Congeniality Danny the winner by default, which drives me bonkers. And if it were Allison or even Cute Kris benefiting from America's bigotry, I might be less bent, but Danny is only my fourth favorite, so I'm pissed.

Anyway.

Danny sings, and it's fine, as expected, and a little dull for those of us who are not Danny worshippers. Whatever. There's a certain sameness to a Danny performance, week in and week out, and while vanilla with raspberry sauce may taste just fine, still, I'm not going to order it every week.

Mimosa: Napped through the whole thing.

And then the judges revealed that they're all on crack, or this is an episode of Fringe, or heaven knows what, as I am clearly watching one show and they are watching another. At the same time! Love slurp dude slurp awesome best slurp winner Danny! Whatever.

Thank goodness for my sweet baby Adam to bring us home! In his Elvis-white amidst the sea of classic dark suits, he reminds me of Tom Hanks going to the office party in "Big." But Adam can pull it off. I can't wait to see what he does.

And . . . it's great, as always, and fun, and entertaining, for sure . . .

But.

I'm a little disappointed, I admit. I don't want Adam's crazy glam rock opera stuff tonight. I want him to stand still and sing some Dino. I want him to channel Frank! I want him to tell me a beautiful story with a haunting melody!

I'll say this, though: Frank and Dean were masters of their craft, who sang their lives and seduced their audiences with their music, and while they might call this kid a punk, they would also applaud the musical risks he takes, and they would appreciate that when Adam is called to entertain, he puts on a show. It's not the way they would have done it—and damn, I would've liked to see him do it their way. But he was totally Adam, as he always is, and I really do believe those cats would approve.

And then they would pummel him.

Time to go dial my fingers into bloody stumps for my girl Allison. I've barely voted this season, but tonight she needs me, according to Simon, anyway.

Lady Chardonnay, OUT!

Disco Facto

2009-04-22T18:12:00.002-04:00

I groan about disco night every year. However, I will get on the good foot and put on my my my my my bloggie shoes, and bloggie with you:

Lil: Lil is bootylicious for ya babe! She is a very good singer but I think she is o-u-t. She just never took hold of herself and her image and let it spill out all over America in a happy joy joy way.

Kris: I have never liked Hard for the Money, but Kris' version was palatable. He looks and sounds relaxed and in the groove. I wish he had worn something other than a plain white t-shirt, though.

Danny: Ah, Earth, Wind and Fire, too good to be labeled simply disco. This song reminds me of one of my sisters for whom this song had great meaning. She and her first husband met at a party where this song played. Now, Sis is divorced from September husband, and when I compiled the CD for her wedding reception to husband #2, I could not play ANY EW&F songs because they are linked in her mind to September husband. The power of music! Danny can sing any damn song and he sounded like Michael McDonald last night. He needs some dance training, though.

Allison: Like an old fart, I will relate another anecdote about the distant past. This song reminds me of dancing in Boston at a disco with a SUPER HOT STUFF blonde dude named Michael H. We basically fornicated on the dance floor.Well, almost. Damn he was hot, hot, hot, hot stu-uff! But, I digress - Allison has the pipes! She can BLOW! She has great energy and tension when she performs. Yay Allison!

As they cut away from Allison it appeared that Adam was being eaten by a crowd of chick-lets.
Will he sing It's Raining Men? Will he? Will he? Boo! No. He sings If I Can't Have You. He looks good in a suit. His vocals were perfect and he did not smarm up the stage.

Matt: The idea of Matt singing Staying Alive is frightening. But, it was not nearly as bad as it could have been. And he moves very well.

Anoop: Man, I almost forget he is still on the show. The sound of his voice has continued to improve each week. However, his performance was uninspiring and his last note was just bad.

Since two must go the buh-bye tonight I predict (read hope) that Anoop and Lil go.

Love & Kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

Disco Night!

2009-04-21T22:01:00.002-04:00

So tonight I am attempting to blog in "real time" (albeit a little bit later than most...) at Honest Liz's house with Felicity Goddess Mother and HL.

First up is Lil Rounds and her epic ass. Or as FGM put it, "She isn't little in the round area." We were so distracted by her butt that we didn't even listen to her sing. Which means that she didn't do that well. I'M EVERY WOMAN can be a great song, but not tonight.

Kris finally got me tonight with SHE WORKS HARD FOR THE MONEY. He did a Ryan Montbleau type cover of a song I never thought would be interesting to me again. Honest Liz immediatly leapt off the couch and declared, 'I shall buy this on itunes!" I really think (and HL agrees, that he just officially passed Danny in the running.

So Danny Deadwife is up singing SEPTEMBER. This is a great song, but we kept waiting for more. He "worked it out" according to Ryan. He needs to lose the porn-stache. Gross... Simon bemoans the lack of star power and FGM BRILLIANTLY states, "You were only the earth and wind. You weren't the fire." (And he continues to frolic like a hobbit about the stage.)

Allison sang HOT STUFF and it is a boring song. They tried to make it interesting, but that won't do too much. This little girl can really sing. Dress? No. But sing, you betcha!

So Honest Liz just fast forwards through the ads (and well she should) but as soon as she saw Adam and Ryan chatting, she backed right the heck up. And he looks dreamy. He turned IF I CAN'T HAVE YOU into something completely different. COMPLETELY different. I don't know how much input he gets, but he is consistently amazing. And he thanks the band or the arranger every time. He is classy.

And who is this on the stage? Is it Justin Timberlake? Mais non! It is our own Matt. His third eye is covered by a jaunty chapeau. He sings STAYIN' ALIVE and we all agree that he is forgettable. HL does an amazing impression of Kara, "You wore clothes. That was good. You sang words. That was good. You breathed oxygen. That was good." Damning with faint praise.

Anoop is going to close the show. I have high hopes. Of course the facial hair is completely looking horrible. And I love this song. But he isn't doing anything for me. And he ends badly. I think he is looking forward to going home tomorrow night. Paula loved his "growth" and pink sweater. Proving that she is completely on drugs.

It could be Lil, Matt or Anoop going home tomorrow. Frankly Danny could go too.

Adam and Kris are completely safe. And I can't decide which of their performances I liked better. They were both brilliant. Allison should still stick around too.

I am liking the show better every week, which is almost unheard of for me! I am usually completely jaded by now. Can't wait for tomorrow!

Brunie, OUT!

Movie Weak!

2009-04-16T06:33:00.006-04:00

Two nights ago, I practically slipped into a coma of boredom watching the idolettes sing the same fricking songs they sing every movie week. I was barely roused by Adam, even! The less said the better. The only thing I will say about it is that my friend, the Sheriff of Sarcasm, pointed out that Matt should be able to pick better songs, blessed as he is by the third eye in the middle of his forehead! (She also said things about Adam that were too dirty to type.) Quentin Tarentino and his lumpen face were nothing to write home about, but I will be going to see INGLORIOUS BASTARDS...

So on to last night. The show opened with an homage to I.B.! Blow me down! (as Lady C has been known to say...) Okay, so they don't do what Kristi hilariously calls "the great and powerful entrance" (Where the judges all walk down the giant stairs wasting my precious time.) but there is plenty of time wasting ahead!

Oh, speaking of wasting my time, Honest Liz said yesterday, "This is THE MOST POPULAR SHOW on television. They could add an extra half hour and let all the judges speak." Word, Liz... It isn't like they don't add more air to the results shows than you find in a Dairy Queen soft serve. And yet look at me watching the whole thing!

Okay, the kids do MANIAC which is a staple of my youth. It starts "Just a steel town girl on a Saturday night..." which sounds like "Just a Smithtown girl on a Saturday night..." and since I lived in Smithtown in my youth, I felt like the song belonged to me. Lame song, though.

Then the kids go see 17 AGAIN. Honest Liz and I are bringing Wilbur and Joe Mama to see it tonight. We are not at all embarrassed to have a date with 11 year olds. Lil made a crack about Danny Deadwife's age. HAW! And they all pretended that Allison likes Zac Epheron.

Okay, I can't remember if there was anything before Jennifer Hudson. And as much as I love J-Hud as a person, I am fast forwarding this song with the weird syllable thing popular music seems to have nowadays.

I can't wait to see GLEE!

They did some padding with Anoop, but I need to get the kids up in 10 minutes so fast forward I will...

Wow! Simon just told Kris that he was brilliant last night. This is why ALL the judges should be able to give feedback. Seriously, do I care what Randy thinks more than Simon? No frickin' way! Lil is in the bottom three with Noopy. I kind of hope it is her, because I want to hear her sing again. My guess is that if it is anyone other than Anoop, the judges just might just use their free save card. And Anoop is safe! And he has that familiar look on his face that says that he has resigned himself to leaving and is pissed that he has to stay.

And Miley Cyrus is singing. Will I be fast forwarding? Youbetcha... Wow, her teeth are huge and she sings with her nose in a shocking way.

Finally, we learn that Matt is gone. And I have to fast forward through the egregious HAVE YOU EVER REALLY LOVED A WOMAN. Will they let him stay? I am all atwitter! I knew it! They don't love Matt all that much, they just know it will make for good TV. And good news for Matt.

Bad news for America - next week is disco week!

Brunie - OUT!

Are all movie songs this lame?

2009-04-15T14:53:00.002-04:00

It's movie night with Mr. Tarentino! He has made some of my favorite movies - Pulp Fiction and Kill Bill 1 & 2. He always has excellent songs in his movies, and I wonder why no one sang any of them (Son of a Preacher Man anyone?)

Allison: I never liked this Aerosmith song, but my dear friend Judith was in that crazy movie about the meteor, and my bro and sis-in-law used it for their wedding song. Still, only Allison can make me listen to the whole thing. Good on ya, Allison - you sang it better than Steven Tyler.

Anoop: ANOTHER lame song I don't like. But I think that was Anoop's best performance. It is the first time he has made an emotional connection, and that was good to see. What was up with that jacket, though? HIDEOUS!

Back to the future of Anime Hairboy: I wonder if he can sing anything without super-high notes in it. For a change. As usual he sounded good, but was not modern or fresh. I would love to hear him sing a Led Zeppelin song - he could really work out those Robert Plant high notes! (Did you see the two page NY Times story about if a gay kid can win Idol - I can't believe that question is still being asked - was the writer like 70 years old? News flash: MANY performing artists are gay!!)

Matt: Ouch. Matt - you know I love you but that was not a good performance. Singing another song I detest, he was kinda pitchy, kinda lost. I fear for his safety. Also, that giant pimple smack in the middle of his forehead, while covered with concealer, was very distracting. People will not vote for a giant blemish, I'm just saying.

Danny: Contacts tonight, Danny? You look good. You sound great. He made me cry when he looked heavenward at the end. Damn - I am a sucker for a twenty something widower. If he can sing his ass off that is.

Kris: Kris continues to improve, and although I didn't love his song choice, I thought he did well. I don't know what Randy's problem was.

Lil: I agree with Lady C. that she was much better last night. She has picked terrible songs from show #2 until last night. Although The Rose is not one of my faves, she sang it very well and I liked the gospel flavor. My song choice for her was the theme from Goldfinger. She could have knocked that one out of the box! Lil looks quite slender in her all black outfit. I think the stress of all the brutal criticism of late has taken away her appetite.

I am nervous for my boy Matt tonight. We shall see. Maybe a Clearasil commercial is in his future...

Love & Kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

At the Late-Night Double Feature Picture Show

2009-04-14T21:49:00.011-04:00

Quentin Tarantino is a surprisingly sharp and astute vocal coach! He was a brilliant guest judge in Season 3, and tonight his comments were dead on, I thought.

(The other thing I remember from Movie Night in Season 3 is that half the contestants named Finding Nemo as their favorite movie. Cherubs . . . )

We started with Allison, who once again rocked the house with that smoky, ragged voice of hers. Love her vocal control, love her command of the stage. I worry about her going first—traditionally, not a power position—but she won't be going home this week.

There's a girl with GINORMOUS lips sitting directly behind Quentin T. Wow, imagine her baby picture! 'Cause you know she was born with those.

Anoop's chosen another ballad, which he sings very sweetly. I wish he'd gone for some of the fierceness Tarantino recommended—it would've given the song a cool edge—but I can't fault this very clean performance. Nice job, Anoop.

Adam, wow. Confident. Fearless. Electrifying. Charismatic. Magnetic. Shock and awe. LOVE. HIM.

(Mimosa just grabbed my notebook, and here's what she wrote: " " Brilliant girl!)

(Okay, what she actually wrote was this: Memossia says " " Neither of my kids can spell, apparently. But she is pretty and modest and good, and what more does a parent wish for?)

Matt—oh boy. I guess . . . I am just not a fan. And it wasn't the song, even though my friend Theresa says that these are the stupidest lyrics ever written: Have you ever really really ever loved a woman? "Lady C," she says, "you're an editor. Tell me you wouldn't fillet that sentence with your red pen!" But I like this song. I just don't like Matt singing it.

(Mimosa/Memossia ignored Matt entirely and played with my doll Anita.)

By the way, I'm loving the Two Silent Judges rule. Keep it up, Idol! More singing, less chat!

Danny announces that he's going to sing "Endless Love," which fills me with mad joy. Oh, how I adore this song—because it makes me laugh hysterically.

And here's why: In my sophomore year of college, my best friend Lady Darcy and I were bored one afternoon and decided to get married, just for something to do. (It was a little hippie college in California, no one batted an eye.) So we got busy planning the ceremony, discovering, to our joy, that the lyrics of "Endless Love" made perfect wedding vows. "My love," I said, "there's only you in my life." "My first love," she replied, welling up a bit, "you're every breath I take—you're every step I make." Not a dry eye in the house, I tell you.

The marriage, I'm sad to report, lasted less than two months BECAUSE SHE IS A BIG CHEATING CHEATER, but I have let go, I have moved on, she is still my dearest best friend in the whole wide world, and this September 21 we celebrate our 29th year of best friendship, woo-hoo!

But I digress.

So Danny's going to sing my wedding song, and I try hard not to giggle through his very sweet performance. Though I can't help noting that Quentin told him to keep his hands in his pockets, and Danny is disobeying. First Smokey, now Quentin. Danny! Listen to your elders! Man, these kids today.

It's a very nice performance. This song 100 percent depends on voice—there are no tricks, nothing to hide behind—and Danny for sure has a good voice. And he looks like Robert Downey Jr. tonight without his glasses. But . . . having said all that, I gotta agree with Simon: I wish Danny had pushed the envelope a little bit. It all felt a little . . . safe. But very nice. Definitely.

Kris, I am so sad and sorry to say, disappoints me again. He sounded like a kid singing a dull, mournful song that was simply too old for him. See, now I'm really missing Fabian, and no one wants to write those words. Or even think them. Turn me loose, Kris!

(Translation for you youngsters out there: "Turn Me Loose" was Fabian's big hit. And before Brunie starts getting snarky about the decades between her and me, I will add that I only know this from watching Laverne and Shirley.)

I asked Mimosa what she thought of Kris's performance, and she answered, "Short." This is not good news for Kris.

From my first glimpse of Lil, it looked like she was sheathed head to toe in tight black leather, which I thought a curious outfit for singing "The Rose"—rather, I'd expect to hear the tender love theme from Bound. But I think she was just wearing dark clothing—not leather.

And I may be in the minority once again, but I LOVED her performance and thought Simon was Mr. CrankyPants. I know people won't like the way she argued with him, and I fear that that will cost her, but I thought her vocals were beautiful and pure, and I loved her gospel mix of this very familiar song. Just beautiful, all the way around.

So, if I were ranking them, the top spots would go to Adam and Allison, then a three-way tie for second between Lil, Anoop, and Danny, then Kris next to last for being boring and Matt in last place for being bad. But I think the bottom three will be Lil, Kris, and Matt, with Matt going home. And then I will call poor, sad Mrs. Cynicletary, because Lord knows she's done it for me often enough. (Her younger son especially likes to imitate the way I hyperventilated when Amy Adams, my first Idol love, was sent home. Yeah, it's really funny.) ☺

Till tomorrow! Lady Chardonnay OUT.

7 from the 80's and 1 from the 90's??!!

2009-04-08T14:36:00.003-04:00

Brunie, we are all old. Except for these Idol kids. Good God, most of them are younger than my oldest children - egad!
What was the deal with the dead guy in the audience??
And is Ryan Baggins any taller than he was in that baby picture - I don't think so.

Danny: Went first and is just great. What can I say - he's an excellent singer and not irritating in any way. Danny stays.

Kris: I don't get the judges' problem with Kris last night. I think he is getting cuter and funkier each week

Lil: What the heck, Lil? It was like she was imitating Tina Turner. She did the same walk and shoulder shrugs - like she was actually imitating Angela Basset imitating Tina. I can't understand why she cannot find a song to sing that would do her voice justice. I hope she does not go home without reaching her potential in even one performance. OK, one since the very first show when she was great. I am tired of contestants saying, after a bad performance, "If you vote me back I will do everything right next week." You have to do it right this week!!!

Anoop: As Lady C. mentioned, I had a major flame during the time when True Colors was a hit. It really characterized the guy at the time. Although this was one of Anoop's better performances, he is just OK to me, and I don't see him having a major recording career. Maybe he could do one of those Bollywood musicals.

Blind Kid: Yes, he is still blind, and, Dear Anonymous, I am pretty sure he knows it. His performance was PAINFUL. So AWKWARD, so PITCHY. Please Idol God, send him home already.

Allison: Allison! Born in 1992!!!!! She is totally BADASS! I LOVE the sound of her voice, and her performance was spot on. She looks good in heels too. Allison, I see your future - an all-girl band fronted by you with seriously professional talented bandmates. Kinda like the Runaways but better. Damn, girl!

Matt: Here we go - Stevie Wonder - excellent choice, Matt! This is the soul pad he needs to lease on a long-term basis.

Blagojevich Hair Boy: I found this number to be very sing-songy, up and down and up and down. I did not like the song. I did not like the light under his butt. I did not like it Sam I Am. I did not like this puffy-haired ham.

Love & Kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

Ah, yes! I remember it well

2009-04-08T08:22:00.018-04:00

Baby photos! Mimosa laughed: "Remember David Cook's square head?" Do I ever.

And speaking of Cookie, I saw my former colleague Miss WordPerfect yesterday, and she said, "Remember how edgy and out there David Cook seemed last year?" And now look at Adam . . .

Throughout the evening, it amused me to think about what I was doing the year each downy Idol was born (signing my 1040, getting a tooth crowned—yeah). Good times!

I couldn't convince Li'l Martini to watch with us (he was immersed in the Special Features for The Penguins of Madagascar), so no guest blogging tonight—sorry, Kristi—but Mimosa was in it with me for the long haul and had a thing or two to say.

Though first we were somewhat alarmed by the bald stone-faced alien in the crowd. Who is he, and why is the camera so drawn to him? Freaky . . .

First up is Danny, singing competently and performing well. With Danny, I think, it's less about any specific note or the actual quality of his voice and more that the entire package is fun and appealing. He's great to watch and listen to, and I like him fine. But do I get excited about him, look forward to him performing, or give him a single thought from one show to the next? No. No, I do not.

Paula looks stunning in an outfit that (it must be said) would also look stunning on me. I spend the rest of the evening feeling covetous.

Hey, the Boston Globe had a fantastic article on Paula today: "Judging Paula: Has she gotten smarter?" The gist is that competition with Kara, whether real or perceived, has sharpened Paula's game, and I can only agree.

Next up is Kris, holder of my highest hopes for this week, but alas—he fumbles. No, he does fine, don't get me wrong, but it wasn't a spectacular performance. I think singing from Girl Island is a mistake—he and Matt both do better ashore. A lesson, boys!

Lil Rounds looks amazing and sounds (in my solitary opinion) amazing, but I had a hunch that the judges wouldn't like it, and oh! my gifts as a seer are boundless. "Tina Turner lite," pronounces Simon, and while I think that's harsh, I do agree that Lil seems to have lost herself. Or, as Simon says, "You are not making the impact you should be making." I said to Mimosa, "She just needs to be more . . ." and as I searched for the words, my bright daughter said, "Lil Roundsy?" Yes! That's it.

Honestly, I'm worried for Lil tonight. Every year, there's a singer who is undeniably talented but can't seem to get it together on the big stage and connect with the audience (Carly, Michael Johns, Paris, et al.), and I think that's what's happening here. She has talent to burn, but she's either getting some bad advice or has the instincts of . . . a person with very bad instincts. And you can quote me on that.

Anoop's voice is sweet and pure, singing a song that Mrs. Cynicletary has all kinds of profound feelings about but has always put me right to sleep, even when Cyndi Lauper's singing it. His rendition is nice and dull. I have a comfy little nap, though I rouse myself from my torpor to note this Simon gem: "You're like a singing yo-yo." I don't find Anoop that lively myself, but it's a good line.

Woo-hoo! I woke right up for Scott, who cracked me up. Who knew he could play guitar?! Performance aside, I give him mad props for going for broke and taking a risk tonight. Again, I know this will be the minority opinion, but I like this song way more than "True Colors," and I like Scott's voice, and this, for me, was a great, fun performance.

However, honestly compels me to add that about two notes in, Mimosa said, "I'm going to go to the bathroom and play the harmonica." And that is what she did.

But she returned for ALLISON, who was sixteen kinds of fantastic tonight!!!!!!! Looked great, sounded great, oh how we love this girl. She had better not be in the bottom three tonight, or heads will roll! (This is an empty threat, but still.)

In the penultimate performance of the night, we have Matt in a Hat, who sings yet another song with his pretend voice but is quite entertaining nonetheless. Mimosa pointed out the signs for "Giraud Squad," and I pointed out the girl who was probably giving us a closer look at the design on her T-shirt but nonetheless appeared to be wiggling her boobies at Matt, which made us giggle. Mimosa and I are eight.

Bringing us home tonight is my darling love child Adam Lambert, and how much did you enjoy his tolerant, bemused parents? They seem like a lot of fun.

The lights went low, and St. Adam appeared before us, ethereal and angelic (and apparently squatting in midair). Beautiful song, beautiful voice, master showman. And the Grinch's heart grew three sizes that night, and Simon gave him a standing O—how often has that happened? (Seriously—does anyone know? I'm really curious.)

I haven't voted all season because I think my favorites are perfectly safe and I haven't cared that much about who went home, but tonight I got busy for Allison. My new dream: Allison is the American Idol, and Adam goes on to have a brilliant career doing whatever he wants to do. A win-win for everyone, if you ask me.

Going home tonight: Kris, Scott, or Lil. Which is sad. But at this point, I'm going to be sad no matter who leaves. This is a talented, talented bunch. Good job, America!

Lady Chardonnay OUT!

Brunie is old

2009-04-08T06:33:00.003-04:00

And I would like to point out that Lady C and Mrs. C are just a wee bit older than she is! Okay, more than a wee bit, she is practically an infant compared to them. But compared to the Idols, she is ready for Depends.

The wee ones each sang a song from the year of their birth. And maybe it is the senile dementia, but I didn't hate any of them. I don't remember some of their songs, but I remember a sense of calm enjoyment throughout the night.

I watched with Honest Liz and Felicity Goddess-Mother (hereafter to be known as FGM) and they were a barrel of laughs - giving each other Scott-inspired high fives and laughing at my jokes as well as being amazed at my ability to do all the rapping bits from Salt and Pepa's SHOOP.

So who was first in the lineup? The oldest, Danny Deadwife. He did the same old thing and I can't remember what he sang, but it wasn't horrible or memorable in any way.

Kris sang beautifully after him. Directly after? I can't remember. Also, I don't remember what he sang, other than he appeared to be singing in a pit of jackals.

Lil was in there somewhere looking amazing and doing a remarkable impression of Tina Turner and having kind of a bitch-face when the judges were talking.

America, these are my bottom three!

Scott sang something I liked and he was great (for Scott) and played the guitar (or at least held the guitar) and made cute and funny comments that made me love him even more and wish he could sing better.

Matt sang something I liked and he was great and I finally figured out why the judges were initially so gaga over him. He was wearing a Timberlakian chapeau that covered his facial wart, he has thighs like tree trunks and he was born in Dearborn Michigan. What is not to love?

Anoop sang TRUE COLORS and it was beautiful! He obviously sang it right to me. And while he is no longer my particular favorite, this performance would have inspired me to vote if I were the voting kind.

America, these are the ones I would be sorry to see go tonight.

And finally Allison and Adam. The A's if you prefer.

Allison sang I CAN'T MAKE YOU LOVE ME and she sounded amazing as usual. They keep comparing her to Kelly Clarkson and we already have one of those. But this girl can sing. And they said she needs to work on her personality. My feeling is that she has been trying (admirably and sucessfully) to hold back the stream of nonsense that usually pours forth from the mouths of a certain type of enthusiastic teenage girl. I think it is adorable when she slips up (when she talked about cutting that one time and then said, "Did I just say that on tv?" HA!) and if she loosens up a little more there will be more of that. Did I mention that her singing is amazing?

Adam got cut off because Paula talked so much. But he was a little slice of heaven singing MAD WORLD. He looked beautiful (and kind of pantsless) in blue light. And he made no creepy faces. I was just awash in his talent.

Those two are the ones I want to keep on my tv forever.

Funniest thing of the night - Honest Liz on Kara -"I have seven words for you - You're Awesome!" Bwahahaha....

Brunie, OUT!

Free Bird

2009-04-03T08:19:00.010-04:00

I never liked her voice but I always liked her style. Rock on, Megan Joy, you crazy chick. Caw! Caw!

Blessings on my sistahs who did it for themselves last week; clearly, we all saw the same show and I had nothing to add anyway. Except one little Smokey note: Back in the day, I saw a lot of Motown concerts—the Four Tops, the Temptations, Diana Ross, and Smokey. Without question, Mr. Robinson puts on the best show. We were mesmerized from the moment he appeared on stage. What a performer.

So, yeah, he's gone the Joan Rivers route a few too many times, but Smokey can do whatever he likes, if you ask me.

When I heard that Tuesday's theme was "songs from iTunes" (Worst. Theme. EVER.) I immediately went in search of Valium or something to dull the pain. I believe I have mentioned that I am not so much a fan of the current modern songs of today? (Hi, I am 90.) But it wasn't that bad. (Though now I have a new Top Five Words to Inspire Dread: "Megan Joy singing Bob Marley." shudder)

I only have a few things to add to my sistahs' brilliant recaps:

Even Billy Joel is tired of singing "Just the Way You Are." I don't know why the judges were so pleased—I was bored to death, and I like Scott's voice.
Guest blogger Li'l Martini (my eight year old) said he wanted to take notes, and this is what he wrote about Scott: "Talks weird, but he's still good at piano. Choosed the right song. Very very very good singer, does most of the work." (Li'l Martini is not impressed with the background vocalists.)

[Okay, honesty compels me to note that Li'l Martini actually wrote "wered" and "peano." Li'l Martini can't spell worth a fig. But he is handsome as the day is long . . .]

I want Paula to give Scott feedback without mentioning his blindness. I'm starting to cringe.
Matt sang from within an island of girls, which I found strange indeed. I'm still not getting Matt. To me, his voice always sounds affected (as in, it's not his real voice—like he's always singing falsetto except sometimes it's lower).
Mrs. C, I said the same thing about Lil! "Spanx," I wrote, "missy!" I didn't like the dull hair, either. She has an adorable figure and great hair—no excuse for looking that bad!
And I also agree about Kris—he's the one to watch right now, I think, as he grows in confidence. I am really liking him! And I'm very sorry that I ever wrote him off as the Fabian for our times.

But my favorite is still my darling love child (or, as Mimosa calls him, her new gay brother) Adam Lambert, who brings the party every night. I like his slicked-back hair, I like his anime hair—I just like him. Can't wait to see what he does next.

(Whereas with other favorites, Lil and Danny, I begin to wonder if we've seen the best they've got to give. I still like them, but they are not wowing me.)

I'm a bit worried about my adorable Allison, who's landed in the Bottom 3 twice now. She's one of the best singers on the show; what is going on? Why doesn't she have the fan base the others have? It's a puzzlement.

All right. Time to start working for a living, me and Huey Lewis. (Hey, I'm not complaining, 'cause I really need the work.)

Lady Chardonnay OUT!

Soul or lack thereof

2009-04-01T13:06:00.004-04:00

Doesn't it seem at this point in the series every year, that the really great singers have setbacks, give flat performances and don't reach their potential? Lil and Matt, I'm talking to you! Why is it that the two singers with the most soul chose to sing the most soul-less songs they could find??

Anoop: He is an example of someone who does not have soul, but who chose a very soulful song that made him look and sound like a geek. He put on some kind of hard, faux-sexy expression which makes him look soft and unsexy - it is just not authentic coming from him, and he made me think of Sanjaya and I DO NOT WANT TO THINK OF SANJAYA. I would have no problem saying buh-bye to Anoop.

Meghan: Is that the best song you could choose, dear? Honestly, I still like you but my patience is wearing thin. Don't these kids get any help in choosing songs?? The judges were right to suggest Adele or Duffy, but Bob Marley? Sweetie, there isn't enough ganja in Jamaica to make that work for you!

Danny: Looking good Danny - I think he's lost a couple of pounds. His hair looked great and his song choice was OK. I am not a big Rascal Flats fan, but that boy can sing anything. His performance was touching and I continue to love him.

Allison: Honey, if you paint your nails black you have to keep them maintained. What is worse than skanky peeling black nail polish? OK, lots of things, but jeez-try to remember that you are ON CAMERA! No Doubt was a good choice for her although Don't Speak is my least favorite of their songs.The version seemed short, the guitar seemed in the way, and , um, she had a bird on her head. She can sing even with a bird on her head - that has to count for something!

Blind Kid: UGH. So old fashioned. So boring. That song was a drag in the eighties, and B.K. has the eighties hair to match. Is it some kind of cruel joke to give a blind kid such a jacked-up haircut?! Pleeeease go now.

Matt: Not The Fray! Dude. You are soulful piano guy, not rocker guy. Please let us hear your awesome true soul voice! I hope he doesn't go tonight. If he is at the bottom I bet the judges save him. Save yourself, Matt! Sing some Ray Charles, or how about Brown Sugar by D'Angelo or Cry Me a River by Justin Timberlake?

Lil: One word: Spanx. Honey, mid thigh spanx are a requirement when you wear a tight dress. I do not want to see your VPL, especially on such a prominent bootay. I hate Celine Dion and her songs. Why oh why, soul queen, did you choose that uber-Caucasian song by the uberest Caucasian singer? And you were screaming it the whole time. If you were going to try to make that song work, you have to hold back so that when you hit the key change you are at peak volume and power. Why not Mariah Carey's Vision of Love or Sam Cooke's A Change is Gonna Come? Why Lil, why?

Slicked back for good (?) hair boy: Back to smarmy boy who can hit a lot of high notes. He must not have liked me calling him Anime Hair Boy, cuz the pointy parts were nowhere to be seen.

Formerly Forgettable Guitar Boy now Memorable Piano Boy: Ain't no sunshine - excellent song choice performed beautifully! Kris is really on a roll and is doing that growing and improving thing that makes me love Idol. It seems that when the front runners start to slip there is always someone who is really getting better and better and comes from behind. I have even bothered to learn that his name is spelled Kris. You go Kris! Best performance of the night.

Kara continues to annoy, and what is the deal with all of the judges being introduced on stage now instead of from their chairs? And Ryan now gets an introduction and walks down a 100 foot staircase - what for? Does it make you feel taller, Ryan Baggins??

I hope to say buh-bye to Blind Kid or Anoop tonight...

Love & Kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

Top Nine

2009-04-01T06:28:00.002-04:00

Last night was top 9 and it looks like we are going to whip through this in an hour and a half followed by the end of society as we know it, I mean the Osbornes. Thanks to the wonders of TiVo I will be watching it in 40 minutes this morning!

Tonight the Idols can choose anything they want as long as it is a top itunes download. Which means I won’t know any of the songs they do. Wah. I like it when they have to squeeze their “artistry” into a “box”. Who is more annoying – Kara or Randy?

Anoop is singing something by Usher – an artist about whom I can’t help but wonder if his House is Falling. Ladies and gentlemen, pop cultural references, Brunie-style! This song is dull and Anoop has a weird chain on his arm. His homies say this girl is crimping his style. And he is yodeling. Oh it is going to be a long night/morning. You may go back to grad school Anoop (although, I hate that Kara and Simon both brought up college – ooh, higher education is anti-cool). And take Kara with you because I am done with her. The score is Kara 1, Randy 0.

Megan is doing Bob Marley! I might even know this song. “the judges punched me in the mouth” – ha! Okay, listening to her I think that I wouldn’t want to listen to a whole album by her, even though I find her voice interesting to listen to. But part of it is that she has that weirdness to her. I think that a good producer could maker her into a Macy Gray or that other weird sounding girl who sings “in these shoes”. But she sounds consistently weird and not in a good way. So far I want to smack Kara, but I haven’t heard from Randy yet. Nope – Kara takes this one too! I hate it when Idol contestants talk about “My fans” because I don’t think that they have fans so much as the show has fans. Wel, except for Adam, because he has earned them,

Danny is up next in a strange blouse. He is singing Rascal Flatts. I picture them looking like raccoons. Danny looks good this week, not as doughy as usual, although he needs to lose the beard-let. He sounds fine. I like him fine. Randy spoke in complete clichés – he may get the point this round. Kara said that “he moved this audience emotionally and that’s hard to do”. Right! This audience is not emotional at all. They just keep holding back, poor repressed things…

Allison has bizarre hair and crazy dress, but she is singing a song I love and she is singing well with a guitar. But it sounded a little muffled to me, somehow. Randy has focused on the outfit rather than the song. Kara too. I am going to give the point to Randy just because he still annoys and I don’t want him to forget. I guess I need them both to make me realize how much more I like Simon and Paula. Simon mentioned that she seemed to shout the song, which could be a bit of truth.

Scott is singing Billy Joel! I hope he doesn’t give me sister a seizure. Oh, it is JUST THE WAY YOU ARE so chances are it won’t. His piano playing is really amazing. His vocals aren’t the sort of thing that is going to impress the judges, but the fact that he is doing his own arrangement and there are a lot of unique bits in there. And his voice is good, too. I am sure the judges (Simon) are going to mention that this was his chance to be current and he blew it off. But he sounded great tonight and if it weren’t morning, I would have voted for him. And that is saying a lot. Kara didn’t bother me – so I must have loved the song. Randy said “one of the best of the night” and called him Scotty. So he gets the point, but just barely…

Matt is still as homely as the day is long. But he is from Michigan and plays the piano so I will give him the benefit of the doubt. He is surrounded by the audience, which seems creepy. I do like this song and he sounds good vocally, although he seems nervous. And he is playing a keyboard, which I am opposed to for moral reasons. I think that in the case of Allison and Scott, their instruments added to their performance. He was just playing backup for himself. Randy says “check it out, dog” – a classic! But he was cogent. Kara is asking him to make a commitment. She is so needy – she gets the point.

Lil is singing Celine Dion, which I am torn about. I want to hate Celine Dion because she sings in the range that dogs can hear. But she is Canadian. It is impossible to hate Canadians. Lil appears to be wearing a wig! (Last week I commented on her pretty hair and Mrs. Cyn pointed out that it was unlikely that her hair grew 4 inches in a week. Wigs are so outside my frame of reference I had to look them up on the internet. Yep, they are real.) So she sang well and her babies are there! And they aren’t even looking at her. They are tired babies. She sounded good, and I like her. I doubt she is leaving. (and Kara gets the point for saying “Eric Carmen, what?”. Just because. Okay, so Lil started crying and it really seemed to me that she was crying because her kids were there, because the judges weren’t that mean.

Adam is singing PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC. Oh my… He is doing that creepy thing with his face again. He is so much more confident than the others and damn if he isn’t making it interesting – a song I have heard approximately eight thousand times since I was 12. I am not rewinding it, but I would (except that Mr. Crow is getting out of the shower and would commit ritual suicide if I made him watch it). Do you think that Paula wrote down her comments ahead of time and memorized them? Randy used the word “corny” which I love. Adam thanks the band! He is so gracious! Kara used the phrase “up in here” which is slap-worthy. She gets the point.

And they are pimping Kris tonight! He is playing keyboards. And singing AIN’T NO SUNSHINE, which I love. Of course it is one of my greatest hits but perhaps he can do it justice. And there is a caterpillar crawling across his lip! Oh, Kris, don’t mar your beauty. His vocals sound great for someone who is also playing piano. He may be a better musician than I originally thought. Although he looks like he is passing a stone on the last note. Kara counted her words tonight so I give her the point.

So tonight the big winners for me are Adam and Scott.
The safe because they didn’t suck are Danny, Lil, Allison and Kris.
The perhaps damned are Megan, Anoop and Matt.
And the big winner for most annoying judge is Miss Kara!

Brunie – OUT!

Bye - Sarver!

2009-03-27T06:53:00.002-04:00

My dream came true and I now don't become enraged by any of the remaining contestants. Huzzah! To celebrate, I will post a quote from Jacob at TWoP, who summed up Wednesday night's show perfectly:

Matt G took two things that are not really all about sex -- himself and the song about getting it on -- and managed to make that less true than you might think. Kris Allen did his whole thing, and was a movable feast as usual, but seems to be losing weight. Scott no longer has a place in this competition, but becomes personally cooler every week. Megan Joy never had a reason to be here, and loses ever more charm each week. Anoop is a serious contender and his voice is like a well-trained beast that will get you a beer from the fridge. Sarver is a well-trained beast that will get you a beer from the fridge. Lil was awesome in about six decades at once. Adam Lambert explained through words and pictures that he is going to be winning this shit nine weeks from tonight. Danny Gokey has a voice and a cuteness, which is just not enough, and we've officially seen all he's got to offer. And then there's Allison, who is a weird savant at being on this show.

And I agree with him on all of that!

Brunie, OUT!

Not the best night for some favorites...

2009-03-26T11:58:00.002-04:00

Thank God we get to listen to some excellent songs tonight! I enjoyed the Motown episode, and my critique goes something like this...

Matt: Matt's segment with Smokey was really touching. Man, how great must it be for Smokey to tell you that Marvin Gaye would have loved your version of his song! WOW! Matt was great and I continue to feel the love for him.

Kris, formerly Forgettable Guitar Boy: I did not forget guitar boy this week, and in fact I think that was his best performance. How sweet it is is a very simple song that could have been boring, but he did a very nice job with it. Good for you Memorable Guitar Boy!

Blind Kid: Sheesh. Can we please let him go home now with his boring and old-fashioned should be singing in a Christian "rock" band self.

Meghan: I love me some Meghan but she was just terrible last night. All off-key and messy. Pull it together, Meghan!

Anoop: He did a perfectly respectable job, but he is not thrilling me at all.

Oil Guy: Not good, Dude. You may have some of that country soul but you do not have any of that soul soul. That was really painful. Buh-bye?

Lil: I agree with Brunie that Lil and Danny had the same problem last night. Too rushed. They both have these big, cool, need some open air kind of voices, and very fast songs like they chose coop their voices up in gray cubicles. Stay mid-tempo and slower, kids!! And Brunie, that was a wig! Lil's hair has not grown four inches in one week!

Slicked back anime hair boy, Adam: Wow. Adam and his shiny things hanging off him self has been kind of annoying in previous weeks in spite of his big upper range vocals. But last night he was GREAT. EXCELLENT. SUBDUED YET EXCITING. And I really liked his retro 1960's suit. His best performance.

Danny: As previously stated, Danny picked a too-fast song like Lil. I love him, he is great and wonderful, but last night was not his best performance.

Allison: I continue to totally love me some Allison. Papa was a Rolling Stone is a super-cool song, and she sang it brilliantly! I still want browner tones to her hair, and the outfit was hideous, but her vocals are totally killer. She did blow a few lyrics, but covered it pretty well. She kicks ass!

I've decided that four judges is too many. There is too much time spent listening to them. And Kara is starting to bug me, all her artistry talk, who are you as an artist... She does have a point, but I am sick of her. Three judges is enough already.

I can only hope that the Blind, the Oily or the Anoopy go home tonight.

Love & Kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

MOTOWN!

2009-03-26T06:15:00.000-04:00

Oh how I love Motown - the city of my birth – FYI. After the Chevy Suburban I am Detroit’s greatest export!

Matt sang LET’S GET IT ON and he seemed all over the place. He did a squatty little dance. He has a great voice and he can play piano, but he is toothy and dull-ish.

Kris is singing HOW SWEET IT IS and I am kind of excited because I do like this song. He sounds good, but nothing that thrilling. I both he and Matt have great vocals, but it is a testimony to the quality of singers this season that I am not all that jazzed…

(Dare I admit that I can’t wait to see what Adam Lambert has for me tonight?)

Scott (still blind) sang YOU CAN’T HURRY LOVE. I am thinking that he will be eviscerated by the judges, but I thought it was he best performance so far! Of course I love honky-tonk piano. Simon got crayons and Scott was charming. I just wish he could sing better, because that is what it comes down to.

Megan Joy blew chunks with FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE. I could barely listen.

Anoop sang OOOOOH, BARBIE, BARBIE. I mean BABY, BABY – and it was kind of dull. It sounded like it always sounds. He has a nice voice and didn’t put me off my feed like Megan did, but his shirt was messy and he didn’t sell it. Such a nice boy, though.

Sarver is next with AIN’T TOO PROUD TO BEG. He says he is going to “take it to church” which is a phrase I find incredibly endearing. I am still looking forward to him leaving. Smokey tells him to BEG, dammit, but he still has his happy, dopey smile on. He is not feeling the song at all. And I am not feeling him.

Paula is back on her game again – I love smart Paula. She still talks crazy, but I kind of understand her crazy talk. And she knows what she is talking about. In other news, “I am being true to I am” is the most annoying thing you can say to me. Seriously, want to get slapped? Tell me you are being true to yourself. Why do people thing that makes them noble? I blame Shakespeare. Suck it, Shakespeare. And Sarver.

Lil sang HEATWAVE. She had a nice little history moment at Motown. And look at her with her hair down! I got a little teary when she went over to the back-up singers because she just looked to classic Motown. The song is kind of a cliché to me, but she sounded great. And good grief – I kind of agreed with RANDY for heaven’s sake. She still sounded great, and she looked great, but it wasn’t her best.

ADAM!!! Okay, I guess I have a favorite now. I am not poaching, Char, but he is the one I look forward to. And he asked Somkey what inspired him to write it. He is so respectful. And he looks all cute and Chris Isaacs-y! Man I wish I could go back in time and vote for him a million times.

L’il Danny is singing GET READY. I imagine he will sound good. And I laughed when he said “I was thinking – is that going to work? – of course it is going to work. He knows what he is talking about!” He sounds great. He has a good voice, and it is essentially the same performance as Lil, but he isn’t as pretty. So nothing great but he is safe for this week.

I am so glad Allison is in the pimp spot! And I love PAPA WAS A ROLLING STONE. The guitar is so good - wocka-wocka-wocka. She sings real good, but the song seemed too short to me. I guess that is a good sign. Kara wet her pants over it. Simon drew a mustache on Paula. He can barely keep his stuff together he is laughing so hard over it.

The judges entertained me far more than the singers tonight - other than Adam, who I now will claim as my spiritual son. Even though that would make me a teen mom. But he was such an easy baby – always singing and cooing and painting his nails.

I am feeling the love this season – singing-wise Adam, Danny, Lil and Allison are my favorites. Personality-wise I just love Scott, Allison and Anoop. I could care less about Kris and Matt and I want Megan and Scott to die of thirst. KIDDING! But it make me laugh and laugh to think of Mr. Lady Chardonay saying that. My pal Honest Liz will often say it and we will laugh and laugh. This post is taking a disturbing turn. Everyone please stay hydrated. Even MJ and Sarver.

Brunie – OUT!

No Idol Tonight

2009-03-24T14:51:00.001-04:00

Stay home and watch our foxy president. Idol will be on tomorrow. Despite what TV Guide and the Boston Globe try to tell you!

See you then!

—Lady C, who's been fooled before

Please don't take my chance to be on the idols tour...

2009-03-19T06:17:00.002-04:00

Yay - Motown next week! That is the good news. The bad news is that "Pinky" went home. The last Idol whose name I couldn't remember is now gone. I like her voice but ultimately the only thing that bugs me about her leaving is that it wasn't Sarver. He bugs me. Just bugs me.

The results were about what I expected. I was worried for Allison, and was relieved she stuck around.

Paula is back on the sauce. "I would be surprised that any of them are in the bottom three." Hmmm... I don't really know how time and space align in her reality - but clearly "bottom" means something different.

Brunie - OUT!

Talented Season

2009-03-18T12:33:00.004-04:00

I think this is the season o'talent beyond any other year, mostly because I have so little hatred for any of the contestants.

Oil guy: Just OK, again, he is out of his league and likely doomed owing to his lead-off spot.

Lil: She looked beautiful tonight, the hair, make-up, and dress were very classy and suited her perfectly. She sang well, but since I do not know that song, I was confused. The first verse is about going to the fair, and then she went straight to the chorus about Independence Day, but clearly important information from verse 2 was missing! I mean what happened at the fair to make her declare that it was her Independence Day?? It can't be happy.

Blind guy: BORING! Dude, time to go. It is painful to watch him try to deal with choreography on the results night shows. Those group numbers are so attrociously High School musical, it's bad enough, but with someone having to lead him around to the music, it's cringetastic.

Rocker Girl Allison: I LOVE her voice. I WANT her to add 2 parts brunette to her next hair dye session.

Danny: He is the only one whose voice brings a tear to my eye. He is GREAT, and I am still counting him in the finale.

Alexis: I found her much less annoying than last week. She had a couple of little pitch issues, but she looked and sounded very nice.I want her bit of pink hair to grow out until there is just 1/8" of it showing. Then it will be cool. Have you noticed I'm picky about the dye jobs?

Anoop: Not as hideous as last week, but, like Oil guy, he is out of his league. If teeny girls and teeny girls at heart don't vote like madpeople, he could go soon.

Anime Hair Boy: Hmm. That was very interesting. I am not sure that I like his arrangement but I give him all props for doing something different and for his total commitment to his decision. Those high notes he hits continue to amaze, but I still find him fakey. And does he always have to have something shiny hanging off him? I hate those visible silver zipper pants he seems to wear every week too. You've got to hand it to him for being who he is. But, I would not want him over for dinner. I bet he's a pain in the neck vegan or something!

Megan: Many cannot stand her, but I am not among them. I enjoy her quirky pronunciation, and her little dance. I think her quirks are authentic and organic. And for crying out loud, if only I could look that beautiful with the flu. I like her a lot no matter what anyone else says. And Walking After Midnight is one on a very short list of country songs that I can tolerate.

Forgettable Guitar Boy, tonight without guitar: He is good. He is kinda in a no-mans land (maybe with Megan) between the bottom tier of Anoop and Oil Guy and the uppermost tier with Danny, Lil, Adam and Matt.

Matt: I was hoping for a Ray Charles song from him last night. However, he is mad talented and I love him. He is, as a colleague said, like Justin Timberlake's less handsome cousin.

As stated, it is an extremely talented group this year with Danny, Matt, Lil, Adam, and Allison all worthy of the title. I bet more hit records come from this season than any other. I'm feeling a goodbye to Blind Guy or Oil Guy tonight. We'll see. At least country night is over with for this season.

Love & Kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

Lady Char Has Been RIght All Along!

2009-03-18T06:45:00.003-04:00

Usually it takes me until the top 4 or so to realize that LC has been right about the charisma of whichever Idolette she has anointed as her fave. I have agreed from the beginning about Allison the teenage savant but I have missed the charm of Adam until tonight. You see, he makes me feel weird. Not like when you climb a rope in gym class - but like he is trying to entice me. And I wasn't buying.

But last night - RING OF FIRE was brilliant. He just was so weird I KNEW he was trying to FREAK ME OUT ON PURPOSE. It was amazing. I am listening to it for the fifth time as I type. For the first time since Chikeze, I wish the idols were allowed to sing a longer song! I have never denied that he has a killer voice, but this arrangement, performance and everything is the best of the season so far!

So to back up (I only saw up to Anoop last night and am forging ahead this morning - thanks TiVo! )

Sarver sang a song I don't care about and did fine and got a little shirty and earned a "Shut up Sarver!" from me. ("If we were all perfect we wouldn't need this show." Huh? Your logic mystifies me. And do we "need" this show? Well, okay, I guess I kind of do, but just to break the monototny. Shut up again, Sarver.

Allison was awesome as ever and her hair looked great.

Kris bored me beyond whatever singing whatever.

Lil maybe was next - sounding great as always. Looking great. They damned her with faint praise and Simon called her Little which seemed so demeaning, but she didn't bitch slap him. So yay Lil!

ADAM-O-VISION!! (see above)

Scott is still blind. He might by my favorite personality-wise. Simon and Paula got into a little bitch-fight over him being blind and tied to a piano. He was charming about it and I didn't have to shush him.

Pinky-Lee took my favorite Dolly song and made it dull. But she can sing and look cute at the same time. She got a little shirty too and I yelled at her a little.

Danny looked like Admiral Byrd and sounded freaking amazing and got to be a little Jesus-friendly as a bonus. The mama's and I all noticed that he is getting a littly jowly.

Anoop sounded great and the judges loved him. Yay, Anoop!!

Megan sounds weird. Is she Eartha Kitt or something? I like the way she toggles a song around and I like the quality of her voice - but her accent is weird. I think she is going to flummox the judges. She sure is purty, though. Let's see what they think! Randy was nice and he called right up front that she is sick. Carla was supportive. Yikes, hospital! I am glad they were nice and I am glad there was a reason for the weirdness.

Matt is in the pimp spot. I forgot he plays the piano! He sounded great but I don't care about that stupid song. He can really play and sing. Technically, he is really good. I just am not interested in him.

To look over everyone - Sarver and Kris and Pinky are the weak ones for me. And they weren't even bad - just dull. Watching the "these are the numbers" recap, they were really good tonight! I wasn't gripped last night, but watching this morning, it was really enjoyable. Huh...

Brunie - OUT!

"It left me confused, and sort of happy"

2009-03-17T22:12:00.004-04:00

(Quoth Kara, re: Adam's crazy-ass performance)

I . . . am somewhat at a loss. Maybe Country Night is just not for me? But on the whole . . . tonight was way less fun than last week. And I was SO looking forward to watching in real time with my kids!

There were bright spots, for sure. But I found myself looking at the clock. A LOT.

My favorites, Allison and Adam, were (respectively) a little dull and a little weird (though I laughed hysterically through Adam's entire song. Wherever did he find that version? It was definitely . . . entertaining). Danny was also a little dull.

While I thought Lil was magnificent, that opinion was shared only by my brain twin tonight, Miss Paula. But then Paula lost me when she became absurdly prickly and defensive in response to Simon's UNMITIGATED ASSYNESS, not that she wasn't well within her rights, but still. Someone has to be the grown-up.

(And Simon looks like a bum in his sloppy, ill-fitting T-shirt. What is wrong with him?)

And then there were the pee-fests that left me totally baffled. I agree that it was Kris Allen's best performance (and he was much less Fabian-y without the guitar). And Anoop was fine, and Matt was fine (except he sounds to me like he has a pretend voice). But—best in show? Baffling.

Megan Joy was actively bad, I thought, singing a plaintive song with a big ol' cocky grin, but I'll cut her some slack for illness. However, if America is less compassionate and forgiving than moi, I will not hold a grudge.

Going home, then, I think is either Megan Joy or Alexis, who also had a weak-ish night, once again forcing her lyrics too much. But it could also be Michael, who might get lost in the sea of strong boys (though I enjoyed his toe-tapping performance—he looked like he was having a great time). We shall see.

Fingers crossed that next week is Girl Groups (how many guys sang Carrie or Martina tonight?!) or something else I'll find more palatable . . . !

Lady Chardonnay, tired and OUT.

"Give me five minutes . . . and I'll sort you out"

2009-03-17T15:01:00.006-04:00

Some very quick thoughts before we leave last week entirely:

Lil sounded great, not at all karaoke, and I want her earrings.
Scott chose a song I don't know and didn't love, and sounded less great than usual. I wonder if this is the versatility issue I raised last week? He may not have any game beyond power ballads. Time will tell . . .
Danny gave a great performance. Said Mim0sa: "He reminds me of Chikeze! He's so bouncy! I think everyone's gonna love him!"
Big Michael sang the words "I thought I heard you cry . . ." with a big grin on his face. Dope.
Jasmine, for once, didn't sing through her nose. Alas: Too little, too late.
The whole time Kris Allen sang, I was thinking, "At last—the Fabian for our times!" I asked Mimosa if she loved him. She thought about it and said, "He might be in my Top 6." No false idols for my girl.
Redheaded Allison sang a song I hated in that husky voice I love. She is far and away my favorite girl. I don't get the "boring" thing at all, I think she's cute and funny as all giddy-up.
Anoop—oh well. Not the greatest.
I cannot watch Jorge as he undulates before me. He may sound fine. I cannot watch.
Megan Joy is very cute and sings a wretched gimmick song. What was she thinking? Tonight her voice has less of that terrible weirdness I usually hate, but it also makes her less unique.
Adam Lambert, HOW I LOVE YOU, ADAM LAMBERT!!!!! Get in line, Simon! While I also did not so much understand the plot of this song, I nonetheless felt like an entire rock opera unfolded before our eyes. In three minutes. Adam Lambert is AMAZING. Luv luv luv. (When he teared up at Paula's comments, Mimosa and I spontaneously "Ooooh"d. We heart Adam!)
Matt Giraud looks like JT and sounds fine. Not sure I get the wild love from my pal Mrs. C, but hey. I'm glad she's feeling someone.
Alexis rushed to get all the words in and was way too screamy in spots. Alexis . . . not long for this world, I fear.

Adam and Allison are my favorites, by a long mile, and then Danny and Lil and maybe Scott, and I really don't care that much about any of the rest of them—but no one horrifies me, either (I would have said something different if Jorge were still with us), and that? Is a nice place to be sitting, my friends.

I 100 percent agree with Brunie—I was entertained for nearly the whole two hours. Buckle up—it's going to be a fun season!

Lady Chardonnay OUT!

I'm not Rameses...

2009-03-15T18:25:00.001-04:00

OK, just because I write, "So let it be written so let it be done", like Pharaoh Rameses from The Ten Commandments does not mean that I will be right and my will be done. It's a lesson I must learn time and again.
Poor Jorge got the boot, although he really is a better singer than Anoop. Anoop is just more appealing to tweens. Jasmine deserved to go though - she is just not quite ready for this stage. In both cases, the two who departed wouldn't have lasted long. Just like Simon says, don't feel bad you wouldn't have won anyway.
Love & Kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

Not bad

2009-03-11T12:35:00.002-04:00

Overall, the kids did pretty well last night.
Lil: Fantastic vocals - ugly outfit
Danny - HE MAY WIN IT ALL! Just a truly great singer without the fakiness of Anime haircut boy
Anime haircut boy: Great Axel Rose type vocals but fake and insincere bordering on the smarmy. He is not on stage where he has to play to the back row, tone it down a notch, Dude.
Blind Kid: Sweet.
Jasmine: Just OK, she sang I'll be there just like the Mariah Carey version note for note.
Oil guy: Good. Out of his league though, and he may go tonight.
Forgettable guitar boy: Tweens might think he's cute.
Rockin' girl Allison - That girl can crazy SING - ZOWEE! She will go far (especially if she changes her hair color)!
Anoop: Nowhere near good enough. Goodbye to him or oil guy.
Jorge: Beautiful voice, but as Simon said the arrangement and delivery were SO old fashioned.
Matt: MATT! GREAT! LOVE!
Alexis: She seemed rushed on that number, I do not love her like others do. Her outfit was slammin' though!

So, again, Oil guy or Anoop will go the bye-bye tonight. Lil, Danny, Matt, Anime haircut boy and Rockin girl will be the final five. So let it be written. So let it be done.
Love & Kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

"You can be artistic, but not on this show."

2009-03-11T04:37:00.004-04:00

So - the show entertained me last night! And through the joy of insomnia, I am able to get this post up early.

So LIL started us out and she looked and sounded great. I can see why they push her so hard. She seems like she can be huge if she wants to. I even liked the arrangement of the song that I like anyway!

SCOTT is so sweet. He's blind you know. He did okay, his playing is better than his singing. The judges seemed to give him a tongue bath, but the non-cynical me loves having him on the show. There is no way he can go to the end of the competition, but I like how they are making compensations for him in a natural way - having the guys sing from the couch in the group sing last week. He is opening people's eyes to living with disabilities. (heh) As a temporarily partially blind person, I appreciate what he is doing for our people.

Who knew DANNY Gokey would be so awesome? I have to say that the whole dead wife thing was getting on my nerves. (Not his personal response to it and I think he handled it pretty well. But his supporters and the show were all like, "Looky, looky - tragedy!") He kicked butt on PYT! He sang beautifully. Simon likened him to Michael MacDonald, and I agree. And I thought his dancing was cute!

Oil Rigger MATT (I wish we knew what you do for a living?" - Simon. HA!) didn't impress me last night, but just now when I was typing about Danny in the above paragraph I was listening in the background and it sounded, frankly, amazing! I think he sang passionatly. Also, just a shout out to Paula who is making me love her this season! I wonder if it is the spectre of Kara (who I am liking less as the season progresses. She must practice sucking in her cheekbones.) being the "together" one is making her pick up her game. Or maybe she is just awesome.

I like JASMINE - she is as cute as a button singing I'LL BE THERE (yay!). And has a beautiful voice. She just doesn't seem to have that "something". However, Carrie seemed dull as dirt for the first half of her winning season, so I am not writing her off yet.

KRIS sounded good and looked cute (That jawbone -I could slay a lion with it!) singing DO YOU REMEMBER? Did you see his wife's face when Simon said she should have kept her hidden. She was NOT impressed. Ha! "Very well job done, baby" says Randy. Jacob from TWoP (one of the three things Lady Char and I disagree on - bedtimes and the food pyramid are the other two) has refused to recap what Randy says because it is usually so much nonesense. I see his point...

ALLISON sounds great and reminds us that she is "ethicnic" too. Her outfit is gross, but she sounds great. I don't really like the song, GIVE IT TO ME . Wilbur asked, "Give her what?" Mrs. Mama (who is trying to fatten me up - she puts out the best snacks when we go over to watch!) immediatly lept in - "Feelings! She wants feelings!" heh...She is so goofy, I like her a lot. (I meant Allison, but Mrs. Mama, too!) She sounds great and I think she is working on the personality. And bringing the relavent teen issue of cutting into the mainstream. I don't know if people caught that, but I did laugh. (I know, it isn't funny. But it was such a teenage girl think to say.)

Oh ANOOP! (And stop calling him AnoopDog - he is a grad student for heaven's sake...) I am typing this before listneing to the judges so I can not be influenced. (We had to leave the Mama's house after Allison because sometimes there are bedtimes... So I am watching the rest now. Thanks, TiVo!) He didn't sound his best, even I - who don't notice these things - heard his vocals slip a couple times. But he looked so cute and fierce-ish and dangerous. You know, for him. Like he might just poke the air near his enemies with his index finger and tell them that he is really disappoint in their inability to talk it out like civilized people. And his mom is the cutest thing ever! I can't believe that the judges hated it! I hope that people don't listen. Can I just point out that Micheal Jackson has less testosterone than my 92 year old grandma! How did he get away with it? Come on America - don't disappoint me - if you liked Slumdog, you'll love Anoopdog! (Okay, I will pimp him a little...)

JORGE is going to sing NEVER CAN SAY GOODBYE - my favorite J5 song! His outfit is my favorite of the night. Man, he looks normal! He sounds pretty, a little run-happy. The arrangement isn't my favorite. But I do hope he isn't cannon fodder. It seemed week at first. And I kind of agreed with Randy. Shocking! And Paula - is she taking reality pills? She is like a real person tonight. And Simon is kind a bitch. Have you noticed?

Lord, I am tired of Micheal Jackson...

MEGAN'S mom is a TEENAGER! I am glad they show her mom taking care of the baby. You know, Lil mentioned her kids too. And Matt's homely little girl (sorry, but really - I am sure she'll get cuter...) got to be at the show. Double standard? Anyway - I don't love Megan's voice, but I think she kicks some butt with her vocals and she has cute little dance moves. And she CAWS at the end! How cute! I kind of loved her tonight. She has some nice little quirky bits. Wow, they didn't like her and it was the first time I have really liked her.

Oh Lady Char, in addition to bedtime, Jacob and the food pyramid, there is also ADAM. I think he is adorable. He seems funny and personable, but his performance style irritates me. The little moues the hip swinging, these things make me crazy. He has great stage presence and amazing talent. I think he will go far and I LIKE him. But I don't enjoy watching him perform. I don't know if it because he is SO polished. And what does this song mean? I know it is about equality and the message is good. But "If you're thinking about my baby, it don't matter if you're black or white." Um, okay - is he saying, "Please think about my baby." or is he saying "I am going to kick your ass if you are thinking about my baby, regardless of your background."? It is a puzzle.

I have been reserving judgement on MATT. I wasn't a big fan at first, but piano players make me happy. And his playing doesn't seem to impede his vocals. He sings HUMAN NATURE which was a big hit the summer before my senior year of high school and reminds me of pretending to be in college and sneaking into dive bars. He sounds pretty and he is growing on me. His mom and dad are cute as buttons. (I can't stop! Buttons are cute, dammit! But Kara brought it up...) And not to be obsessed with race (Although I have mentioned it a few times this post. But Adam brought it up!) is his mom biracial? In his baby pictures, she appeared to be - but her unfortinate current-day hairstyle is throwing me off.

ALEXIS is making sure we know she is a good mom, too. You betcha. Her dad looks like Joel from MST3K but all doughy. Before she even starts, I am excited because they have put her in the pimp spot. But frankly, I am not that impressed. Her vocals are pretty good. Her outfit is slutty. She kind of got rushed through in the comments because ths show was running over. And she is going to get hosed over the phone number inconsistancy. Perhaps this will be the first time the last singer was sent home this early in the competition.

Okay, if we are going by singing - Scott and Anoop going home.

But if we are looking realistically - Jasmine or Alexis or Kris or Jorge or can you tell I have no idea?

My faves? Danny, Matt and surprisingly Megan!

I am so excited about tomorrow. Wow, I was entertained for nearly the whole two hours nearly.

Brunie - OUT!

"Cute as a Button" Is NOT a Singing Evaluation

2009-03-05T08:44:00.010-05:00

(Alternate title: "I Could Not Kara Less")

I greeted her with an open mind and gave her a chance, but now I'll say it: The Kara Experiment has fizzled. It's not that she's a bad judge, per se; rather, it's that she brings nothing new to the table:

Industry cred (already covered by Randy and Simon)
Occasionally astute comments (Simon, sometimes others)
Occasionally off-the-wall comments (all of them, but mostly Randy)
Estrogen and pretty outfits (Paula, Ryan)
Arrogance (Simon)

She's got nothing else, and it's just too much chat. And with Paula stepping up her game (which Brunie so beautifully outlined), Paula's more indispensable than ever. Kara can ride out the season, but then I hope she just keeps on wagon-training.

So, once again I missed Tuesday's show in real time (I have a four-week Tuesday class, so I'll miss Wild Card Night as well**), but I've watched the tape and am again blogging blind—I don't know what the results are.

Funny show—the second half was so much better than the first, and this is also the first time we have vastly more than three contenders for the top spots. I wish they could bag two of the kids from the first week and pick five tonight. Oh, well.

Von Smith starts us off with a much more modulated performance than he's offered before. Though it's my favorite Von performance, it's still just OK, but it's good to know Von can dial it down.

Tall Taylor Vaitanua looks great and sounds shaky. Paula says, "We heard you sing this in Holly wood Week—why not show us something new?" And I'm thinking, We who, girlfriend? WE, the viewing audience, have barely seen Tall Taylor! Anything she sings is new to us! And then Kara makes her bizarre comment about shopping. Wacky show!

Alex Wagner-Trugman promises to be my boyfriend tonight, which is very nice. I've had worse offers, let me tell you. What an endearing little dork. Alas, we'll not see Alex again.

Arianna Afsar makes me indignant on her behalf—she KNOWS that "cute" is a compliment, Kara! And she also knows—AS SHOULD YOU—that if the headline of the review is "Cute as a button!" this is not good news for her singing. Unfortunately, Arianna chooses the wrong song by a mile, and I can't really root for her.

Cutie-pie Ju'not Joyner sings "Hey There Delilah" so sweetly. Exciting? No. But sweet? Yes. On another night (yes, I'm pointing at YOU, Kris Allen) this would be enough to get him through, but tonight is not that night.

Kristen McNamara is blonde-hued tonight, rather than purple, but wears the stupidest dress ever. How I would love to dress this girl! She's cute and goofily sexy (á la Alyson Hannigan) and could look totally hot in the right outfit. Hmm, perhaps I should mention that I really love her voice as well. Perhaps I should have led with that. It's easy to get distracted with this girl. My fingers are crossed hard.

Nathaniel Crying Boy Marshall sings a fabulous Meat Loaf song not as badly as one (meaning: I) might have expected. And possibly secretly hoped. However, in a night of strong singers, he doesn't have a chance.

Felicia "Mommy Come Lately" Barton is our replacement for Joanna Lyric-Forgetter, looks gorgeous and Cher-ish, and sounds fantastic! Though she puts an "H" in front of the word "you"—"hyoo"—which I found distracting. Still, I like her a lot. Not as much as Kristen or Tonight's Designated Girl Star, but a solid third, for sure.

Scott MacIntyre has a simply beautiful voice. If he sounds this good sans piano, the competition is his oyster. I'm curious to see/hear how versatile he'll be in the weeks to come, as I can only remember him singing power ballads. Nonetheless—sign me firmly on the love train for this guy.

Kendall Beard, Cameron Diaz's country cousin, sings a dopey two-lyric song very cutely. Again, alas—not enough to get her through tonight.

(Side note: Last names that are nouns always tickle me. For that reason alone, I will dearly miss Kendall Beard.)

Jorge Eyebrows Nuñez sounds fine singing a song that's been sung to death on this show. Also, I find him hard to watch. But his voice is very nice.

Tonight's Designated Girl Star, Lil Rounds, looks FANTASTIC (what a tiny waist she has!) and sounds amazing, singing a song I dislike intensely. I hate hate HATE that Mary J. Blige/Fantasia-like sound, but this babe can seriously blow.

Going forward without a doubt: Scott and Lil. But the next spot—hully gee! We have several excellent contenders: Kristen (fingers crossed), Jorge, Felicia, Ju'not, and possibly even Von. An embarrassment of riches!

OK, let me go check my predictions now.

* * * *
Yep: Scott, Lil, and Jorge. That is fine.

I accidentally saw the list of Wild Cardees: Von Smith, Jasmine Nasal Murray, Ricky Braddy, Tattooed Megan Joy Corkrey, Tatiana Train Wreck Del Toro, Matt Giraud (it's not zher-OH, it's zher-ODD), Jesse Langseth and Anoop Desai. Wow, I have to say that this stuns me. Only one person from last night—the strongest night yet—but three from awful Week 1 and four from boring Week 2? Madness. My only hope is that they'll choose four more to make it a group of 12 . . . but it is a faint hope, given the presence of Von.

** Having now read my TV Guide, I see that Wild Card Night is TONIGHT. And I will miss it because I have a meeting. Oh, well! One of these days Idol and I will both be back on schedule.

Until then!

Lady Chardonnay OUT!

Hey Hey Paula!

2009-03-04T09:06:00.003-05:00

I am on a chat list (Hi IDOL CHATTERS!) with my pal Ms Southern Fried Lawyer and she wrapped up the episode for me neatly - "I think the performances tonight were largely forgettable. I think Lil was, by far, the best (I could have done without the plea for votes in the song, though). I think she, Scott and Jorge go through.....IMHO the tears sealed it for Jorge." Well said, SFL.

As far as the non Jorge, Scott and Lil performances (all three of which I liked far more than I have liked them in the past - except Lil's "call this show" thing which made me groan) the one that surprised me was Von. He has done nothing but irritate me from the get to, and I really enjoyed him for the first time.

Also, Ju'not, who I liked the whole time, did a wonderful thing - he made me not want to rip out my own throat hearing HEY THERE DELILAH, the whiniest little turd of a song ever. He sounded good. Although I do think they gushed a little more than was necessary.

I liked last night much better than the previous two "cutting-heads" rounds. Although I have to say, most of the girls made me sleepy with the exception of that little country singer in the yellow dress who had some pep to her, even if her voice was a little shrill. And I kind of liked the "Janie come lately" stay-at-home-mom. She said "Oh my gosh!' instead of "Oh my God!" which always endears me to a contestant. It makes them seem more polite somehow.

I am very excited about the wild card round. I think that because they have double the boys, it is going to be at least 2 girls, if not 3 being chosen. This makes me sad for Anoop, because I think that he is lovely. Also, the fluffy haired keyboard guy who walked off stage in Hollywood. But it bodes well for that tiny little teenage girl from the diva group who has all the older sisters and maybe the annoying rocker-chick who needs it so bad and sounds like she smokes 15 packs of luckies a day. And maybe cute-as-a-button, who I was so proud of for not bursting into tears last night and who I adore because she wants to succeed without people focusing on her looks. HAH!! So sweet, but that will change. I loved Kara (who is, frankly more annoying than usual) saying, basically, "No, sister - pimp those looks! Sell it!"

And finally PAULA!!! Oh my gosh! She remembered everything everyone sang, she remembered names from weeks ago that no one else did. She gave thoughtful and intelligent advice. I LOVED HER SO MUCH. Stay Paula, stay just like this!

I will be fast forwarding tonight and watching with interest tomorrow!

Brunie-OUT!

Baby Love

2009-03-03T09:55:00.012-05:00

(I am speaking of my love child, Adam Lambert. LOVE him! But not in a pervy Mrs. Robinson kind o' way, I just want to nestle him to my motherly bosom and take away his pain. Except, he's feeling no pain; have we ever met such a cheerful cocky boy? LOVE this kid!)

So my goal of timely blogging promptly hit a snag: When Idol and Lost square off, there is no contest; I'm hangin' with Sun and Sayid. And there never seemed to be a good time to watch my tape, though I finally did watch it. But, my hand to God, Gentle Readers, as of this writing, I don't know what the results are. I'll look them up before I finish. But I am practically writing in real time, or at least real oblivion, as we speak. Cherish the moment!

I have to say, though, I hope they bag this "Top 36" Slaughter of the Innocents nonsense before next year. Saying goodbye to one or two people at a time, that we can handle, but saying goodbye to nine? It's too much. So we shut off, which means that we don't care about any of them. I haven't voted once, I am not remotely invested, Stevie's gone, I just don't care.

So, in a state of profound ennui, I say: Bring on the next 12! But I had to force myself to type that exclamation point.

Jasmine Nasal survived a four-way with Bikini Girl, but alas, that was her Idol highlight. She is not good at all.

Matt Giraud (who knew this was pronounced phonetically? I've been saying "zher-oh") sounds fine singing an awful song. Too bad, I kind of like him.

Dang me, there's a lot of chat afterward!

Jeanine Vailes, so very old at 28, promises that she'll do better and choose a better song next time. Honey—if you can do better than this, why didn't you do it this time? Ryan made me laugh, though: "Based on their reactions, Jeanine, what did you do . . . to your legs to prepare?" She does indeed have very nice legs, even for a crone.

(Twenty-eight! Honey! I have purses older than you!)

Norman Spastic . . . is not even funny. For God's sake, Randy will laugh at lint. How desperately I hope that this is the last time I will ever write this person's name.

"Red"headed Alison Irahita is fantastic! Focused, calm, controlled, and she sounds great. I wish I'd seen her before, so I had something to compare this to. But it looks like she just may break the invisibility curse. Good for you, "Red"!

Kris Invisible is boring and over-sings, in my opinion, though the judges disagree. Simon opines, "I think the chicks are going to love you." Simon, you're so '70s! We're "birds" now.

Megan Joy Corkrey with the tattooed arm looks very pretty, wiggles fetchingly, and is undoubtedly talented; I simply hate her voice. But I don't hold that against her. Paula hearts her, which I find cute.

Matt Breizke, aka Big Bald Guy, has a lovely voice and sings a weird-ass song. Hysterically, one of the judges refers to "the great Matt we saw in Hollywood"—yeah, that would be the Matt whom you forced to do a sing-off, that's how great you thought he was. Dopes.

Jessie Langseth looks scary and bloodless, but the more she talks, the more I start to like her a little. Her voice is scary, though. I don't know what to think of Jessie.

I love Kai Kalama the person and I like Kai Kalama the singer and I have high hopes. Alas, Kai Kalama chose tonight to pass a stone. He sounds okay (especially during the growly bits), but his wrenched-up face is alarming.

Mishavonna Henson is a nice girl who sings a bad song. Sing with me now: "Eh-eh-eh-eh." Yeah, that was the song. Oy, these current modern songs of today! ("If that's music, what's that stuff Cole Porter wrote?" Quick, quiz kids, what am I quoting?)

And then, and then. The clouds parted, the sun broke through, Obama was president all over again, and I was six kinds of happy! Adam Lambert brought the party, belting "Satisfaction" as he made love to his microphone. What a FUN performance! He made me laugh out loud from sheer joy. Take that, Norman Wannabe! (Yes, I typed the name again, of my own free will. Such is the power of Adam Lambert.)

Now here's where it gets crazy for me and Idol shoots itself in the foot. With this top vote-getter, top boy, and top girl construct, the three top vote-getters don't necessarily get picked. Which is WRONG. Say that Adam Lambert is the top vote-getter, which I fully expect, and that Alison Red is the top girl (ditto). This means that even if Megan Joy is our next runner-up, she doesn't make the top three! Instead, they have to choose from the less exciting boy pool. Oh, well.

So those are my predictions: Adam, Alison, and a random boy (I'm hoping for Kai, but it could be Big Matt or Kris Invisible).

And now I'm going to go see how I did.

* * * * *

Well, who is the smartest Lady ever? Would anyone else have predicted Kris Invisible? Weird, though.

So our Top 12 so far comprises a lot of boys—Dead Wife Danny, Big Mike Sarver, Adam Nummy, and Kris Invisible—and two cool girls, Alison Red and Alexis Pink. Curious.

I'm looking for some more girls to bring it next week (meaning: tonight), though I fear the two "stars" are also boys: Blind Piano Man Scott and Crying Boy Nathaniel. Sigh.

'Til then!

Lady Chardonnay OUT.

Oh Sweet Betsy...

2009-02-26T16:23:00.003-05:00

..could it really be Norman Gentile?
You know, it was dull as dirt last night and after the secret child of Liza Minelli and Peter Allen and red-haired, personality-free belter - he just might be the next vote getter.

I would both love it and hate it.

In a nutshell, I am not going to even deign to write about last night other than to say YAWN. Once again, the ones I had liked dropped the ball and I don't like the ones IDOL is pimping. But I am surprisingly excited about tonight's results because we may actually see Simon poop in his pants if Norm sticks around. (Sorry, Char...)

Brunie and her baited breath

Idol is idle tonight

2009-02-24T14:45:00.002-05:00

Because our dreamy, smart, cool President is speaking tonight, Idol will air on Wednesday and Thursday this week.
Love & kisses,
Mrs Not-Cynicletary about our President

Rainy Days and Thursdays

2009-02-19T09:35:00.004-05:00

(They always get me down.)

A short list of people and entities who let me down:

TV Guide, which told me that Idol would be on at 9 p.m. Which it WAS NOT. So I missed last night's episode entirely, tuning in only to see Danny sing and Tatiana look psychotic. Which could have been any night.
The guy who recaps Idol for Television Without Pity, whose writing I cannot abide. After five pages of his self-indulgent blathering, I STILL couldn't tell who the finalists were. Which led me to (oh! the horror):
Freakin' Fox's freakin' Web site , which normally I would shun at all costs — it at least announced the three finalists but didn't tell me what I really wanted to know: Who was the top vote-getter overall? I'm assuming Danny, but it's not at all clear. And I'm not spending any more time tooling around that particular Hellmouth.

And finally:

America.

Well, Americans (and others) who vote for Idol, anyway. Michael Sarver? Really? I'm at a loss.

Whatever.

Lady Chardonnay, diligent and timely blogger, OUT.

There's Got to Be a Morning After

2009-02-18T15:19:00.011-05:00

So, I watched my tape of last night's show. I'm all caught up now.

Yup. Seen it all.

Every. Interminable. Minute.

Yeah.

How many ways are there to say, Damn, that was boring? And that the parts that weren't boring were actively painful, for a variety of reasons?

All except Danny, who was very good and lots of fun and nice to look at. None of which makes him the Second Coming, I hasten to add, but having been preceded by the Evening of Ennui, I forgive Paula and the Gang for their mass tizzy.

The outright bad: Casey Carlson, who danced like a chicken, sang poorly, and I don't care about her anyway. Though it did crack me up when Kara said, "NOBODY goes NEAR those [The Police's] songs!" Since when? Brooke White did a stellar version of "Every Breath You Take" last year. But I don't care about Casey, so I'm not fightin' the good fight today. Bye, Casey.

People I like okay performed okay:

Jackie Tohn, whose voice I loathe but who is undeniably talented—sounded fine
Alexis "Kitten with a Whip" Grace, pink-haired girl—sounded fine
Brent Keith, country boy, dimpled cutely and sounded fine, though Kara's comment, "This song doesn't range enough," was right on (Li'l Martini loves this guy, commenting, "Ex-cell-ent. And handsome!")
Anoop Desai emoted boringly and sounded fine, though he is still very likable (why is that? what is it about Anoop?)
Michael Sarver, who is NOT Brent Keith (an easy mistake) sounded okay singing a song I HATED, and I almost fell out of my chair when Paula said that my beloveds Bo and Elliot sang it as well. Guess I blocked that out. Or maybe I had a drink that night—it's possible.

In fact, given the over-enthusiasm the judges displayed for the first three singers, I desperately wished I had some of what they were drinking! But while I don't mind teaching my kids that a nice drink enhances one's viewing pleasure, I don't want them thinking it's essential. Even if it is, in this case.

[I'm working on the cocktail selection for my upcoming Oscar party, which involves much testing and sampling. I'm currently enjoying an Elizabeth Taylor, a violet-blue number that's said to be the color of the lady's eyes. And a nifty little drink it is as well! A definite contender. I'll keep you posted.]

Halfway through my viewing (mind you, with LOTS of fast-forwarding— who on earth wants to hear what the parents think?) I lost Mimosa, who said, "It really isn't that exciting. I'm totally bored!" Sister-girl needs a blog!

Minor surprise: Invisible Man Rikky Braddy sounds very nice singing a song about singing a song, and I would be very happy at the bar where he's singing. Too bad he doesn't have a chance (see: Invisibility). Though I did like his parents' "Braddy Bunch" T-shirts.

Major disappointments: Cutie-pie Stephen Fowler. Sweet Ann Marie Boskovich. And most of all, adorable Stevie Wright. I like them all so very much, and yet none of them did really well. Such a shame.

Gee, hmm, have I left anyone out? Anyone? Anyone?

Anyone?

Damn, this is the biggest pain I felt all night, even greater than the agony of Stevie's failure to bring it. How desperately I wanted Tatiana to fail! How excited I became when I heard she'd chosen Whitney! Whitney! The Holy Grail of singers (according to Idol)!

But she didn't fail. She simply didn't. Her singing was very good, in fact. Her speaking, in contrast, was as screamingly annoying as ever (but when I imitated her on the phone to Brunie, it was once again fantastic fun and I highly recommend it as therapy).

If this is a singing show, Tatiana should go through.

Since it's almost never been a show totally about singing (Melinda who?), I'm trusting in the fans to Do the Right Thing and send the crazy home. Enough, already!

Predictions:

Danny, natch
Brent Keith, who gets the country fan vote
Either Anoop (who is well-liked) or Alexis (who probably deserves it)

And we'll see #4 person above, Jackie, maybe Rikky, and (I'm sorry, but I truly believe this) freakin' Tatiana on the wild card round.

Prove me wrong, America! Please! Please! You have my dream in your hands this is all I've ever wanted oh please oh please vote please vote!

(Dang me, it's fun to be crazy! Try it!)

Lady Chardonnay OUT!

Danny alone

2009-02-18T11:42:00.004-05:00

I am pissed that Danny's friend Jamar got the boot and several of these no-talents, mostly girls with long brown hair whose names I can't be bothered to learn, got a place instead. Danny is the only one worthy of a swoon or memorizing of his name so far.
I hope they have a psychiatrist standing by for that crazy girl who is clearly bi-polar. She's a screeching maniac one minute and a creepy low key manipulator the next. She has a look in her eyes that says, any minute now I could pull out the butcher knife hidden under my big-skirt and kill as many audince members as I can reach. Stab yourself first you nut case!
Love & Kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

A Day in Hollywood

2009-02-18T07:34:00.024-05:00

(A night of yelling at the TV, "Are you kidding me?")

Gentle Readers, I apologize for my tardy blogging. It's just been one of those weeks. But before I move on to the present day, I want to finish up with Hollywood—my opinions, they are legion. Go back in time with me, won't you?

Quick thoughts on Hollywood, Day 3:

Blind Scott looks better behind a piano, much less Stephen Tobolowsky-ish, and I like him a lot. He should always carry a piano.
Adam Lambert deconstructs a Cher song and sounds great (and even TV Guide is noting his resemblance to David Cook, which I pointed out ages ago. I should SO be a TV Guide writer!)
How can Miss Teenage Teen Queen possibly still be there?
New find (to me): Ju'not Joyner, who croons "Hey There Delilah" in a nice scratchy voice. Like!
Leneshe, our "thuggish ways" girl, sounds ordinary and gets cut. On reflection, I think wearing a big hat was a mistake—we needed to see more of her sunshine smile and happy face.
I am DONE with Norman Gentle, and I would thoroughly enjoy giving Tatiana a swat.

On to the final cuts! Or, as Ryan says, "It's the final judgment." Well, that's a little Book of Revelations for me, Ry, but potato, potahto.

Another Ryan quote has me laughing uncontrollably: "This year, we've changed everything." And what is Ryan referring to here? The HOUSE in which our contestants receive their Final Judgment. Like they care. Oh, Ryan.

(I guess a Top 36 is something new—I'm trying to figure out how it can work mathematically. If only there were some way to find out!)

So our contestants make their way up a staircase (instead of an elevator! Idol has changed everything!) and we receive the judges' (crazy-ass) verdicts. Which mostly I agree with, at first anyway:

Anoop ("Like him!" I said. Mimosa adds, "SO much!")
Von Smith, who emotes, "This is why I'm alive!" (To pummel me with song?)
A bunch of less interesting people: Alex Hyphenate, cute Arianna, Casey, Megan with the tattooed arm, tall Taylor
Adam Lambert, yay!
Jasmine Nasal, less yay

Then:

Lyric Forgetter Joanna? A lyric-forgetting repeat offender? Simon, you threaten with forked tongue

Ryan again: "It's Day 4 of a long, grueling Hell Week." Which, by his own math, has been three days. Long, indeed.

At this point something significant occurred, which at the time I didn't even realize: The kids and I watched only the first half of The Chair of Judgment and taped the rest to watch later. The next day, reading Brunie's post about who survived the final cuts, I writhed in horror. Norman Sprinkles? Crying Boy? Freakin' Tatiana? Should I prepare my kids or let them learn in "real" time?

I decided to at least warn Mimosa, who is a sensitive soul. But I didn't just tell her the names, I acted out each person.

And that's when we learned the thing of significance.

Acting like Tatiana? Is FUN.

Acting like Crying Boy and Norman Comfort is also fun. But acting like Tatiana is really really fun. Mimosa did it, then we did it for Li'l Martini, then he did it too.

So I have a soupçon more compassion for the horror that is these three, because they may not be as impaired as I'd believed. They may simply be having a good time with their own crazy selves, and that is somehow more palatable.

The rest of the Top 36 (the ones we saw, anyway) seem fine, particularly Stevie Wright (we love her!), Scott "Piano Man" MacIntyre, and Lil Rounds.

Hated the sing-offs, which were clearly just a gimmick (as evidenced by the Sing-Off of the Burly Men—if choosing both singers is an option, the whole thing becomes a farce). Simon was especially assy during the Pretty Jen/Funky Kristen death match, where Funky Kristen clearly outsang her opponent, yet Simon insisted on framing it as (1) Pretty Girl vs. Not Pretty Girl, and (2) Jealous Female Judges Who Can't See Past Pretty Jen's Pretty Face. This is nonsensical for two reasons:

Kristen is merely a bath, a good haircut, and a foundation garment away from being a Pretty Girl.
Watch your own show, insufferable git! You're allowed to pick both of them!

Whatever.

I wasn't home last night (sorry to miss your call, Miss Bru!), so I'll watch last night's show this afternoon and try to resist reading Brunie's post before then. (Oh, who am I kidding?) After that my goal is Timely Blogging, by jingo! Because, honestly, I take really crappy notes. (For example, I wrote this about Jamar, Dead-Wife-Danny's BFF: gotta lowse hart, croats Delilah, I'm nut fun thire is rot qood, even as Paula seys "nitre." Got that? Yeah, me either.)

Speaking of BFFs, I'm blowing a kiss to my own, Lady Darcy, who told me that "Pantone picked 'mimosa' as year's top color"! Color me so proud.

Lady Chardonnay OUT!

Not Unlike a Middle School Dance...

2009-02-17T22:05:00.004-05:00

Remember your first dance in middle school? I desperately looked forward to mine and talked about it in the cafeteria at lunch every day for weeks with Chari Topol and Laura Greenburg. It was going to be the single greatest night of our lives! And in reality, the dance was pretty much just sitting and talking with Chari and Laura in the cafeteria at lunch, except we didn't have sandwiches, there was music and it was dark. And disappointing.

Maybe I wasn't looking forward to tonight's Idol as much as I looked forward to the dance, but it was the same kind of anti-climactic evening of boredom.

Yes, the show was kind of dull. There were a few good performances, but for the most part, I am looking forward to next week and the week after - ever the optimist!

And now - my opinions!

Jackie – irritating as a human… Wearing Sandy’s pants from Grease, Wilma Flinstones top and Arthur’s moon boots. Singing horribly - LITTLE LESS CONVERSATION. So glad that she has not a chance in hell. The judges inexplicably liked her. And to her credit, she did interact well with the judges. But frankly, but the time she was done with her parents she had kind of charmed me.

Ricky – kind of cute – tight jeans and a velvet coat and very unfortunate hair. His voice is nice, but this song bores the crap out of me – Leon Russel SONG FOR YOU maybe? No, his voice is wonderful. But I am reserving judgment until I see everyone else. I like having the parents in the room for their responses. Not Ricky’s, but the idea is cute.

I love I NEVER LOVED A MAN. Alexis sang well and looked great. I was not blown away at first, but she really brought it by the end. She does have something. Her dad looks like a hobbit.

Brent is from Blandchester! Where they make bland! He looks like a NASCAR driver! He works in a home goods store! He seems like a nice boy. And he has no charisma whatsoever. And his song stinks. So much so that I can’t even name it. (Okay, fine – it is IN A HICK TOWN. Bye, Brent. His wife looks about my age. Yikes…

Stevie! Dang, she was so nervous. She did not sound good. I like the song though – YOU BELONG WITH ME. Her voice sounded thin and young and not in a good way. Too bad, because I really liked her.

Awesome quote of the night - Simon – “America votes, but they listen to me.” HA!!

ANGEL OF MINE – what fresh hell is this? Anoop, you are supposed to be dancing around the stage and making me laugh when I think that you study barbeque. He has a nice voice, but this was dull as dishwater. Joe Mama (Wilbur’s AI viewing buddy) was horrified by his eyebrows. They are magnificent. And Simon has a point. I can’t stop smiling at him when the camera hits him.

And here is the point where my TiVo caught up with real time. I am going to go get some ice-cream and call Lady C!

Wow, Casey makes little slutty faces! She looks great (other than her unfortunate shoes) and her voice is fine. But wow, I dislike her more than anyone else so far. Even Brent and I can’t stand him at all. Her dad looks like Ryan Styles, though. But I don’t think that will help her.

Michael Sarver sings a song that I loathe – I DON’T WANNA BE. He has some cute little dance moves and his voice sounds good by the end. And more than anyone since Jackie he looks like he is having a good old time. And I love to see him sit next to Ryan because he makes him look like a tiny little doll!

Ann Marie said she was going to put her own spin on (YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A) NATURAL WOMAN but it sounded pretty much like it always does. She sounded good and she looked fantastic. But I don’t know if it was enough.

Steven wants to ROCK WITH me! I loved him, but the judges did not. I might just think that he is adorable, though.

Tatiana makes me want to chew glass. I know that Vote For the Worst is gunning for her to make it. The girl can really sing which makes me feel better about why the show kept her for so long. But that doesn’t discount the fact that she is unbelievably nuts. I liked her better tonight than I have before and I wanted to slap Kara when she said everyone wanted the crazy back. The hell we do!

Danny is in the pimp spot because he is our boy, dammit! And if he doesn’t get voted in than the show is going to sue America. And just to be on the safe side, he is singing HERO. (A girl song! But a pretty ambi-sexual one…) He does make it sound good by the end. But he needs to comb his hair. Kara and Paula both had um, episodes, when he finished. He then gathered some loaves and fishes and distributed them to the crowd. I agreed with Simon, they shouldn't canonize him for that performance.

So my prediction is Danny and Alexis or Jackie as the top boy and girl. Anoop or Michael will be the third. Unless Tatiana VFTWs her way in.

Two hours of my life I will never get back. I can’t wait for the results show, thought!

Brunie – OUT!

How Many Are Left?

2009-02-12T06:52:00.002-05:00

And what proportion of them completely suck? Well, I guess I would go with one twelfth. Because, seriously, Norman Gentle? I have a huge tolerance for silly, stupid humor and I am not feeling him at all. And Tatiana, yes, she can sing, but she is 47 different varieties of crazy and watching her makes me want to hurt TiVo. Don't make me hurt TiVo!!! And finally, Nathaniel. I am glad they pimped up his prison-mom because that makes me feel like he is not just garden-variety teen-goth entitled. At least I know he has had some real issues that make him completely unprepared to live in the world as we know it. I am sure that being on a show where he will be judged by millions and found alarmingly wanting is just what his fragile ego needs. What, it's NOT opposit day? Crap...

Other than that, I liked how the show played out. Danny's best friend got the boot, not with Danny actually sitting beside him. Nice restraint, AI. Lots of beefy faced men and scrawny women got through. I was sad that Frankie didn't because the girl who sang-off with her frightened me! Alas, poor competetive Frankie. A couple of the single mom's got through. Thank you patient southern grandmas for the next few months of free childcare.

Stevie! She got through. I like her. And the Fozzie-bear haired guy who played keyboards and walked off stage. I like him too.

I don't know who the girl is that kept forgetting the words but that was brilliant to let her through. "You can't forget the words or you are out! Unless we like you and think we can market you and don't really care if you are dumb as a stump." Thus spake Simon. And what is with calling the big mouthed blond girl ugly? Simon practically said pretty is more important than talent. Sometimes I just don't know what to do with that man, other than feel morally superior. And then I remember I am watching American Idol.

I am not sure how it is going to play out in the next few weeks, but I am thrilled that they are going to start singing songs, which means that Lady Char, and Mrs. Cyn are going to be chewing bubblegum and kicking ass. And I hear they are all out of bubblegum!

Brunie - OUT!

A Rose is a Rose...

2009-02-05T14:17:00.002-05:00

Riddle me this, why am I not at all sad to see Rose go when IDOL clearly wants me to be? And why do I kind of love Danny the widower who is clearly manipulating me with his cute little widower-ness and adorable best friend? I have this idea that his wife was kind of awesome and when she was dying she was probably like, "Honey, you are going to milk this dead wife angle for all you can - Idol loves that crap!"

I loved Hollywood week! Wilbur was saying last night, "It's so awesome this year - there's so much DRAMA!" Yes, indeed son. Welcome to American Idol...

I feel bad for the girl in the Divas in the canary colored dress because not only was she called out to be the stool pidgeon, but she also got cut when her singing was perfectly lovely! And Three Shrews and a Psycho all got through? Puh-leeze! That girl whose name has been blocked from my brain because she hurts me is INSANE! "You don't know what I have gone through to be bere!" You stood in line! Like everyone else... Oh - she is a piece of work.

And finally, the drama 3 at the end were weird! That crying boy is never going to make it into the top 36 because his nickname is THE CRYING BOY! He's not even the pierced crying boy. Just crying, now. The dumb blond might be funny. When she misunderstood Simon asking if they were going to be going out to dinner that night her response was downright Pickler-esque! I felt bad for the mean read-head. All she wanted to do was practice. And they made her the bad guy. But it appears that her people skills might have needed some work.

Can't wait for next week!

Brunie-OUT!

"It's Our Biggest Season Yet"

2009-02-05T13:02:00.007-05:00

(Quoth R. Seacrest, February 2009, and what can he possibly mean?)

I love the group sings. LOVE them. And I'm not sure that a great argument can be made that they have anything to do with the rest of the competition (though High Lord Dave makes a good case), but I missed them desperately last year and loved the heck out 'em last night.

And the drama is predictably dramatic and delightful, but I would also like to see more of the groups who do well—what's their secret? How did they find one another, choose their song, work it out? For me, seeing a job done well under trying circumstances is also very entertaining, and it makes the final product, a polished performance, mean that much more.

I'd also like to see the round where good, solid performers (Son of Alan, say, or Deaf Grandma Girl) get cut, because otherwise it's too random and unsatisfying. Did they really screw up, or was it just one of those things?

We saw SO MUCH of some groups (I was over the Nathaniel-Kristen-Pink Hair drama after five minutes, and has there been a more annoying contestant than Giggling Self-Important Tatiana in recent memory? And aren't Bikini Girl's 15 minutes up yet?) and almost nothing of groups I was really curious about. Like: Why did a pro like Tattooed Rocking Emily screw up so bad? She sings with a band! She knows how to perform! Why did she make a last-minute song switch on Day 1, and drop her lyrics so badly on Day 2? What was going on there? (And again, I love her mom to death. Emily's going to be fine, but I still feel bad for her.) And I kept catching glimpses of Ann Marie, aka You Need More Make-Up Girl, and it looked like she got through, but did we see her perform? Did she bring the star quality Simon et al. were looking for? I really want to know.

Some earlier favorites were less charming on second viewing. Homeless Rose—such a whiner! (Mimosa: "Do you think Rose is really negative?") Lil Rounds continues to wow the judges, but I thought her song choice ("I-E-I-E-I Will Always Love You" ) was boneheaded, and she sounded nowhere near as great as I remembered. I still like her—but the pedestal, it is chipped.

Here was a nice surprise: the melting voice of Stephen Fowler! Where did he come from? Have we seen him before?

I continue to loathe Von Smith, the screaming dwarf. What do the judges see in him?

All in all, they've made some changes this year that I heartily approve of (more Hollywood, fewer auditions, less time spent on freaks); now if they'll just stop showing us clips of things we saw less than five minutes ago (do they really think that new viewers are tuning in every few minutes? Or do they honestly believe we are just that moronic?), I'll be a happy Lady.

The Idol moment that made me gasp out loud followed the splendid four-way of Dead Wife Danny, BFF Jamar, and two unnamed girls:

Simon: "Danny, please step forward."

[long stricken pause]

Simon: "Danny, you have made it to the next round."

[longer pause, visibly dripping with angst]

Simon: "And the other three, you're going with him."

Oh! the drama.

Lady Chardonnay OUT!

Simon Hates a Fat Girl

2009-01-30T19:20:00.002-05:00

Not to be all whiny but Simon is really a snot about fat girls. When that over-peppy contest winner came in I saw him shut right down. He didn't want to even look at her. If a skinny pretty girl had had that voice they would have been on her like white on rice. I didn't care for her, but listening to her with my eyes closed she sounded like any other Mariah-wanna-be that they would choose. And before you leap in, Simon, and say, "Yes, but it is a television program - people don't want to have to listen with their eyes closed. Being attractive is part of it!" I have three words for you - Scott Freaking Savol! That being said, I found her annoying as can be - but Simon found her annoying before she even had a chance to get all the way into the room.

That was only a tiny slice of the hell that was this episode. I have really enjoyed the auditions this season so this was surprising to me. (It could be because I am sick, sick, sick.) The only two parts I enjoyed were both Simon-centric. The first was when he called the first contestent's boss to get her job back. And the other was when the horribly un-funny iPod guy was auditioning and Simon said, "Okay, I can't listen to this anymore. I really, really can't. It's just awful, it's everything I hate. Everything, I mean the whole act, is excruciatingly bad." And then the kid pulled a lion out of his pocket and Simon's synapses just turned into feral cats and he manages to choke out, "What relevance is you, standing there with a lion on your hand, to a singing competition?" And then the guy yells, "It's the circle of life!" And Simon dies. Okay, he just dies inside, but it helped make up for the fact that if I were ever in the same room with Simon I would be invisible to him or worse.

Cozying up in a big hot tub of self pity -
Brunie OUT!

"You can't judge people by the cover of the book"

2009-01-29T11:45:00.006-05:00

So true, Not Goth Girl. Except that sometimes you can.

Well, last week we clearly had Obama Fever, but I'm back to a cool 98.6 now and ready to re-assume my blogging duties. As for my sister bloggers—still sleeping it off, I expect.

Not much to say about last week, except that I very much liked the object of our final sob story, Ms. Thuggish Ways and her mega-watt smile. And I seem to recall a fellow who resembled our David Cook, only younger and sleepier, and I liked him too.

All of it pales in the glow of Obama, though, and that's that.

Moving on!

On Tuesday, I thoroughly enjoyed Joshua, who sang (and played) "Let's Get It On." I'm so glad the judges got the joke and sent him through. He's fun. And I liked Anne Marie, the girl they sent out for more make-up (?? what was their problem with her?).

Other "winners" had less appeal, particularly 16-year-old Jasmine, who sings straight through her nose, and Miss Teen Latina Something, whose singing voice is surprisingly un-awful but is nonetheless as grating as all giddy-up.

Sharon (Girl with Dog) I found bemusing, as she sang the words of "Superstar" to a completely different tune.

And then there was George Ramirez, that stone-faced wonder: "Where do you see yourself in 10 years, George?" [pause] "In a simple house, with nice floors . . . . . . marble floors." How can you not love this guy? Oh, but then he sang, and it was all over. Bye, George. (Hold on to your dream, guy!)

And on to Salt Lake City, where much to my joy we're immediately greeted with an Osmond. And not just any Osmond, but THE SON OF ALAN, Alan being my personal favorite Osmond, next to Marie, who was my idol, "Paper Roses" was my first album, oh, how I adored Marie. But I digress.

Son of Alan is an adorable boy and sings adorably and I'm simply dying of all the adorableness, except for the sad non-adorableness of Alan, my former love. MS is a terrible disease and I hate it, and not only because of its adorableness-stripping nature. Son of Alan inspires an insightful comment from Paula, even! Son of Alan is magic.

Three girls perform, who are very different from one another and yet have similar "raggedy" tones to their voices: Frankie (like her a lot), Megan with the tattooed arm (she's not for all tastes and I actually hate her voice, but I like her and can see that she's talented), and Rose, tonight's sob story, who is cute as a button and talented to boot. I like all these girls, they're interesting.

So, one more night of auditions (curious, that—auditions on a Thursday? my viewing rhythm is all off kilter!) and then Hollywood, baby! Color me excited. And the doo-wop foursomes are back!! I cannot wait.

Lady Chardonnay OUT!

Welcome to Happy-ville!

2009-01-21T20:49:00.002-05:00

Well, other than having missed the party of the decade yesterday, (the one at Mrs. Cyn's) and being sicker than Miss Shirley's dyspeptic goat, I am a-twitter with joy. Oh, no reason!

Of course I mean because of President Barack Obama! Certainly not because of Idol...

I am enjoying it, but no one is jumping out and making me squeal. Former record label was okay. Really pretty Bad Company boy was okay. Teen mom freaked me out with her Aretha Faking voice.

I do think Leneshe (the homeless girl) is as cute as a bug and can write a song! "I like your thuggish way..." hee! Wilbur rewound her sad face when Paula said no to her about 10 times. He is either in love or a sadist.

This is craziness, but soon we will be in Hollywood!

Brunie, OUT!

Our FOURTH Season

2009-01-15T20:45:00.004-05:00

Okay - I may be slow in the posting and I may not remember much. But aside from the pity factor, the reason Lady Char and Mrs. Cyn keep me around is that I have the uncanny ability to look at our blog archives - conveniently located 2 inches to the right and 4 inches down from HERE* - to determine that we began writing in January of 2006. Math ladies, it is what seperates us from the millipedes.

I second the emotion on both Lil and Asa. I also adore the lanky graduate student studying barbeque. I liked the voice of widow-man, but I do hate the pimpin' of the dead wife. I like to think she is looking down from heaven and laughing her butt off at the emotional manipulation.

Creepiest of the season? Love-Songs-For-My-Mother (and Grandmother)-Boy. Oh how painful. I hate it when the show acts like this. I appreciated it that the judges tried to contain the ugliness when they realized how sad he truly was. Dang...

Put me on the Kara bandwagon. I really like her. She is funny and a nice fit. I read somewhere that she and Paula go way back. I like the new dynamic.

For some reason I am not finding these auditions as mean as usual. Let's see how long I keep my youthful idealism!

Brunie, OUT!

*Distances subject to change when other people write.

Two for Two!

2009-01-15T10:17:00.004-05:00

Another perfectly okay round, give or take a few freaks. Standouts for me:

Matt Wrightsy, big bald guy with the sweet voice. I love me a big bald guy who can sing.
Sweet Jessica, who lives with very deaf Grandma. (It's wrong, so wrong, to laugh at the deaf elderly, but Grandma was a hoot.) I don't even care if Jessica can sing well (though she does), I love this girl and want her to go far. She reminded me of the bespectacled cutie who auditioned in her prom dress a few years ago. In fact, I'm pretending that Jessica is Prom Girl, all grown up. A happy ending! What an inspiration!!
Anoop, who is simply adorable.
Asa Barnes, Band director—when he first appeared on screen, Mimosa and I, in unison, went, "Mmmm." And he has the cutest daughter.

And possibly the best:

Lil Rounds, mother of three—gorgeous voice and a class act to boot. This year's Melinda, I think, but with a more proportional head. I really really really like her.

I was most disturbed by Brian (chest hair, medallion, "operatic" voice)—not by his audition itself, though it was dreadful, but by the sweetly hopeful looks on the faces of who I assume are his parents. Have they . . . never heard their son sing? Has their love for their child truly made them that tone deaf and and that clueless? This upset me on so many levels. Thank God for strong drink.

I was underwhelmed by Von Smith (Fedora Guy who BELTED "Over the Rainbow," though we've had great fun imitating him ever since), but I did like the dorky little skipping he did afterward. Oh, yeah—he'll go far.

Today's Idol Tale of Inspiration belongs to poor Danny with the poor dead wife and the singing BFF Jamar: "an emotional story of strength and courage." So far, all the Inspirers have been decent singers who are "going to Hollywood, baby!" I wonder if that will always be the case. Would Idol simply toy with our heartstrings with no emotional payoff? Would it? Could it?

I'm sorry we didn't see more of the blonde with the funky glasses and the purple dress (who's also going to Hollywood)—I like her look.

And finally, the unexpected joy of the night—seeing sweet Jason Castro again! Sweet spacey Jason. And I like his brother fine. Michael Castro doesn't seem to have big brother's sleepy charisma, but there's something there. We'll see. (Li'l Martini adores him and has anointed him his new favorite.)

Very promising beginning, I must say!

And that is all from Lady Chardonnay.

Here we go again...

2009-01-14T14:00:00.002-05:00

As we begin our 20th year of Idol, (I have no idea how long we've been doing this either, Lady C.) I would like to thank my two charming, witty, comic cohorts, Lady Chardonnay and Brunhildecrow, and of course, our dedicated readers. So, here we go again. As I have written, oh 19 times before, I do not like the audition part that much. Watching the mentally ill be criticized is not my idea of a good time. There seems to have been somewhat less humiliation on show #1 last night. I cannot believe that you have memorized anyone's name so soon, Lady C. I don't even try to commit anyone to memory until after Hollywood. However, one cannot forget bikini girl, of cute little butt, and passable imitation of Mariah singing Vision of Love. I feel confident that when she has to sing a song she does not already know, she will fall apart. You can tell the one-song wonders many times. They have practiced the one song forever, and can sing it well, but when taken out of their comfort zone, they implode. I do think that tattooed girl who will abandon her band is VERY good. I think she will not fall apart under pressure, and may go far. Beyond that, it is too soon to tell, but, I remain your humble criticizer of total strangers on parade,

Mrs. Cynicletary

Here You Come Again

2009-01-14T07:27:00.014-05:00

Hello, gentle readers! It's me, Lady Chardonnay. Welcome to Idol Season Whatever (dedicated blogger that I am, you'd think I'd remember these things—but you'd be wrong). Much of it is same ol', same ol', but there are also some ch-ch-ch-changes in store, namely: (1) a new judge! More on Care-uh/Carr-uh below. (2) a shorter audition period! All good. (3) fewer freaks! more stories of inspiration! Yeah. A part-time freak show—again, all good. The feel-good self-congratulatory portion of Idol (hint: last night's inspirer rhymes with Shmott Shmacintire)—again, more below.

This year I took almost no notes on the sad, the bad, the ugly, the freaks. The sad touch my heart, and I'm choosing not to prolong the pain. The others have already taken enough of my life. So I'm taking my cue from Newly Inspiring Idol, and here is last night's Parade O' Talent!

Emily Wynne Hughes, who sports numerous tattoos and hair-color shades, is blessed with a completely awesome mom, and has a lovely voice! I like Emily fine, but mostly I want to see more of Mom.
J.B., sweet-singing Utah boy with very large eyebrows. He tears up, his dad tears up, it's all very sweet.
Arianna, cute as a button (I'm writing that just as Kara's saying it—me and Kara [I'm holding up my crossed fingers now], we are LIKE THIS), sings a song I instantly loathe. Gah, these kids and their current modern music of today! What's wrong with a pretty melody, I ask you? Or any melody? And who moved my cane? ha ha
Stevie Wright, my favorite of the whole show (ma semblable, ma souer Kara loved her too)—she has the voice, she has the personality, her smile lit up the whole room. And she's only 16! Okay, a la Jordin Sparks, am I looking forward to Randy reminding us that she's only 16 for the next five months? No. No I am not. But for my girl Stevie, I will endure. (Look! I'm another Idol Inspiration story!)
Michael Server, the semi-hunky roughneck with the surprisingly sweet voice—he sings fine, again I hate the song, but the best comment came from my eight-year-old son, L'il Martini: "He's good and delicious!" Oh, I do love my little gay son.
Bikini Girl, to the eternal disappointment of my spotless mind, didn't suck. Nonetheless, I loathe her. (I thought Kara's rendition was fabulous. Way to support your new co-worker, Simon! Ass.) She won't make it through Hollywood—once she puts on clothes, her perfectly average nice voice will be shown the door, and Kara and I will toast our joy.
Cute bouncy Brianna is cute and bouncy and I like her, because I like the spirited girls, and I'm glad they're giving her a chance—I thought her voice was fine, and not nearly as marginal as they were making it out to be. She does need to chill, though.
Deanna, nice country girl with no family present—again, a perfectly fine voice and a nice girl, and I have NO IDEA why they're so gaga over her. I would say that her average nice voice and Brianna's average nice voice and Loathesome Bikini Girl's average nice voice are all pretty much the same, but what do I know, I'm just here to blog. Anyway, Ryan's quite adorable with her, pretending to be all the missing members of her family, which I found very dear.
Alex has a nice voice and an almost total inability to tell a joke, but I did like when he offered to sing "God Save the Queen" for Simon. I'm betting we'll never see him again, but I like Alex.
And finally we come to the "audition to give you hope"—oh, shoot me now. I loved Anthony Federov, it's not his fault he had a tracheotomy and that Idol decided to pimp that for all time, but I don't want to sit through it again. And the object of the pimping, sweet Scott Macintyre, who is legally blind, seems like a perfectly nice boy and does indeed have a lovely voice (and an unfortunate resemblance to Steven Tobolowsky with a moptop—again, not his fault). I truly truly hope that Idol simmers down with this guy, but I wouldn't bet the farm.

I loved Elijah Scarlett (look at that name! how can you not love him?), he of the preternaturally deep voice, but it was not to be. (I didn't love his singing voice, I hasten to add—he reminded me of the fellow who sang "Go Down Moses" last year without moving his lips. Though, come to think of it, I loved that guy too.) And I didn't hate the pink cowgirl, Lea Marie, mostly because I knew she didn't have a shot and I found her harmless—and when she rolled her stomach for the camera (which was . . . an odd choice), my 11-year-old daughter, Mimosa, remarked, "She can do that thing that Grandpa can do!" Too funny.

So, the judges chose correctly, I think—the bad went home, the good went to Hollywood. I am inspired.

And I like our new judge Kara! She's smart and direct but not overtly mean—and she'll be a more effective foil for Simon than Paula is. (Though I'm worried about her tendency to look like she's sneering when her face is still. I mentioned this to Mimosa who said, very sagely, "Maybe she's had the Botox." Maybe, indeed.)

We're off!

2008-10-28T18:55:00.002-04:00

I would pay big money to see this. Of course I would love to see McCain and the other guy dance, too.

[KIDDING!!! Everyone knows Biden can't dance...]

I have a confession to make.

2008-05-22T09:50:00.002-04:00

First opining, then confessing:

On April 11th I wrote, "It is also certain that a guy named David will win this year." But I must admit that I did think it would be David A. I am very very surprised that the more mature, subtle, sexually real man won. As Lady C. indicated, maybe tweenyboppers do not rule the idol world. How 'bout that?

OK, and now for my confession. I have not voted even once this whole season of American Idol. Not once. And everything turned out exactly like I wanted. I don't know what it means, but I feel better getting that off my chest.

Tonight starts my very favo fave show, So you think you can dance dance dance dance! w00t!

Love & Kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

Baby What a Big Surprise

2008-05-22T07:29:00.003-04:00

Well, color my world with love! I did NOT see that coming. My faith in the pixielike tween girls with feverishly dialing computer programs was boundless—I've never seen them, but still I believed, I believed! Maybe they aren't real. Maybe, like me, the Cookie lovers stepped up their game and actually voted on Tuesday, something that I for one have scarcely been moved to do all season (see "pixies," above). Who knows?

But for once, someone I've loved from the beginning actually made it through (I have a BAD habit of falling in love with early boots—Amy Adams and Mandisa come to mind)—and, to my and Mrs. Cynicletary's shock, the Idol is a person of "authentic sexuality," arguably a first!

This was my initial impression of David Cook, on January 30:

I liked Rocker David, with his quiet confidence ("I think my voice will get me through, but I may not be what they're looking for"—what a cutie! Daughtry 08?).

. . . and I think we're all admiring my smartness now, yes? Quiet confidence (other people have called this "smugness," but I respectfully disagree) and a determination to always be himself, to mold the show to his style rather than the other way around. That is David Cook, the best musician, I believe, that Idol has ever chosen. Good on you, America.

Lady Chardonnay, happy, proud, and OUT.

America's Next Top David

2008-05-21T08:44:00.015-04:00

(or, The Idol We Deserve)

Man, that was a weird show! Or, I should say, a weird two shows, at the very least, because I clearly saw two different things going on. And then there was that whole other show that the judges saw, where David A. cured cancer and hung the moon, but that is another story and far beyond my limited powers of analysis, and blogging.

Show 1: David A., whom forevermore I shall call Tickle Me David (thanks to my smarty colleague, Miss WordPerfect), competed for the American Idol Championship. He brought his A game, did exactly what he needed to do, did not veer from his packaged formula one iota, sang the song we all wanted to hear again ("Imagine"), and will likely take home the title tonight, in a blaze of tears, Clearasil, and hormones.

Show 2: David C. performed, competently as ever, for another episode of American Idol. He did not seem to understand that this was THE CHAMPIONSHIP. The fighting analogies . . . puzzled him. He good-naturedly hugged his opponent and gave him head noogies. And he chose, as his final sing-out, a song we've never heard him sing, rather than "Billie Jean," the song we clamored for.

One has to wonder—does David C. actually want the title? He didn't perform badly, after all—but he also didn't sing for his life, as Tickle-Me did. Did Shoeless Joe really throw the game? Will we ever know for sure?

My excellent boss has believed that the whole thing's fixed, ever since Jason Castro flubbed the one line everyone can sing of "Mr. Tambourine Man" and didn't even seem rattled by it. I didn't think so then (little seems to rattle mellow Mr. Castro), but now I truly wonder.

Random thoughts:

After Tickle-Me sang "Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me," Li'l Martini remarked, "I despise him, but this is a good song." Mimosa: "That's not even a sun behind him, it's a star."

Every time they show Tickle Me Senior in the audience, I think, "Wow, Danny Bonaduce's here!" Separated at birth, those two.

Idol should borrow a page from Survivor and do The Walk of the Fallen Idols. I would love to hear Tickle-Me's heartfelt tribute to Amanda Overmeyer. Or David C. having to wax rhapsodic over Kristy Lee Cook.

Miss WordPerfect says that she can't bear to watch two solid hours of Tickle-Me tonight, but if we go by past finales we'll see the Idolettes for maybe 15 minutes. She has other reasons to fear the finale, of course, but that ain't one of 'em.

I predict a blowout for Tickle Me David, though I did my duty and phoned it in for David C. as long as my redial held out. Hey, he phoned it in for me, it's the least I could do.

Lady Chardonnay, chilling the bottles in preparation for tonight, and OUT.

Cookie vs. Archie in the Warmest Fuzziest Hug-fest of the Year!

2008-05-21T06:42:00.002-04:00

Wow, they really pumped this as a head to head battle. Simon said, "You must hate your competitor." No, not so much... They practically spooned each other on stage. Such nice boys, really!

First Round:
Clive "Walking Cadaver" Davis chose I STILL HAVEN'T FOUND WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR which I though - "Wow, something from this generation!" and then I remembered that I actually heard it played at a funeral in 1989 - nearly 20 years ago. I guess "current" is a relative term. Cookie sounded great and I started to like him.

L'il Davy had to sing DON'T LET THE SUN GO DOWN ON ME which is basically a song that sings itself. It is completely awesome. And he did sound great and looked so gobsmacked when they complimented him that I started to like him too.

Second Round:
The less said about the wretched songs the better. Instead of commenting on the performances, which were both better than they should have been given the quality of the songs or the songs themselves (which sounded like DC's Disney Movie song-that-plays-over-the-credits and a high school talent show winner) I will post the lyrics to next year's wining song. (Fingers crossed!)

"I Believe in the Angel of Inspiration Now" (The Windows of My Love)

When I am feeling desperation,
I look to the sky
I see the angel of inspiration
Flying by...

When I need help
In a timely fashion
She gives a yelp
And tries to crash in...

The windows of my love.
The windows of my love.
Ooooooh
The windows of my love

When I need her aid
so quickly,
All my hopes are flayed
So sickly

She comes to me
She comes right now.
I love her so,
Oh yeah, oh wow...

The windows of my love.
The windows of my love.
Ooooooh
The windows of my love

(Repeat chorus 428 times and yodel like Mariah Carey's dyspeptic cat)
Thanks to TRISH for the title!

ROUND #:
David Cook (yes, I will use their real names this one time...) sang a song that I vaguely know and started to cry a little at the end! IT WAS AWESOME! I loved him. Not the song but the Paula-pleasing emotionality. Simon bitched him out for doing something he hadn't done before which sort of illustrated all that is wrong with this show.

David Archuletta sang IMAGINE (again...) and sounded great (again...) and all the judges had a spontaneous orgasm. It was gross to watch, frankly. If I were slightly more jaded I might think that Simon knows everyone's numbers and therefore knows who will win and wants to look like he knew it all along. Of course, it could just be that in the theater DA sounds significantly better than DC. But really it seems like DC is the more original and exciting singer.

But what do I know?

Brunie, OUT!

Bye Bye Sye...

2008-05-15T06:41:00.002-04:00

So Mrs. C (and just about everyone else who has voiced a prediction about this week's results) was right and Syesha went home. She seemed not at all surprised.

The thing that kind of freaked me out was that they told L'il Davy he was saved before Cookie. Does this mean that he had more votes? Is there a possibility that L'il Davy could actually win this thing in spite of the fact that he has a voice and no presence at all and Cookie is actually somewhat charismatic? The mind boggles.

Entertainment Weekly had an article this week about ways that AI could change up to become interesting again and the one that most appealed to me was that they could announce the number of votes that each contestant received. I would love to know how the numbers break down each week. I know that there are sites that tell you this, but it seems to me that I heard that they are not always reliable. Or maybe I am just too lazy to go look and prefer to have "The Producers" tell me. Have you noticed how ominous "The Producers" sounds? Like "The Creators" or "The Creatures" or "The Overlords". At least they didn't make us look at the dessicated corpse of Clive Davis this year. (I almost typed Clive Owen - oh that it should never come to pass!)

Anyway, I am not even going to go into details on the performances Tuesday night because I am sure you all slept through it just like I did. They all sounded good, blah blah blah. The funniest thing all night was when Ryan asked Syesha why she wanted a chair and Mrs. Mama, my AI viewing buddy, quipped, "Because they wouldn't give her a pole." Bwahaha... Our little Syesha sure has been dancing close to the Haley Scarnato ledge. Luckily, she can sing and isn't just incredible good looking. And it is nice to have someone to even out the lack of cute in our front runners.

Seriously, look at L'il Davy and Cookie and they are a somewhat homely pair. Really pre-teen girls - wipe the hormones from your eyes and take a good long stare. That's right, not that cute...

Finally the visits home - this could be my favorite part of the whole season. I LOVE when the contestants go to their hometowns and weep like toddlers. It makes me like them so much because no matter how mildly arrogant (David Cook) or fake (Syesha) or downright irritating (Davy) they are to me at this point in the show, there is so little artifice when they go back to their homes. It humanizes them.

And the upside for me is that I actually care a little bit about what happens next week. It seems like Cook should be the clear choice, but I do remember that male AI winners usually land with a thunk and am kind of hoping for a L'il Davy upset.

Brunie, OUT!

Nap time for the kids

2008-05-14T15:42:00.002-04:00

Is it me or did everyone seem a little tired last night? God knows these kids have been on a wild roller coaster ride of thrills, trills and kills lately, and with the big trip to their home towns this week, I think they are exhausted, and it showed in their singing.

If I've said it once, I've said it 100 times - David A. has a great voice. He can sing anything - even a Chris Brown song - almost. He messed up the lyric a little and seemed rushed and uncomfortable with that, his most current song. I'll bet his Dad, recently of the "add a quick line from the Beautiful Girls song" during Stand By Me last week, encouraged him to sing it. Methinks Dad scours the pop charts looking for ways to make David a teen sensation.

Since singing Proud Mary, Syesha has found her hotness. Or her stylist has, at least. She looked fantastic last night, and sang about as well as she can. You could tell that she really disliked that last song - Hit Me Up or whatever it was - she did not look like she was having fun, although she did look cute and tiny in those very tight jeans. She's a Broadway-bound baby, and will find much success, even if she goes home tonight. Which she will.

David C. sounded good too, although, again, tired. On The First Time Ever...he sounded just lovely, soft and yet not wimpy. With his songs, the edit to 90 seconds really hurt. Although I detest that Don't Want to Miss a Thing, Aerosmith song, and the fact that it was shortened was OK with me. Damn, of all the great Aerosmith songs, the Producers chose that one? Ick. I especially hate the lyric, "Cause I'd miss you Babe and I don't want to miss a thing." You just can't sing the word"miss" twice within eight words of each other. Was there no alternative - "Cause I love you Babe, and I don't want to miss a thing, "Cause I want you Babe, need you Babe, crave you, Babe- I mean insert almost any one syllable word and don't repeat 'MISS"!!

Overall, I recommend a day off with complete bedrest for the kids - except Syesha because she will get plenty of rest when she leaves the show. Tonight.

Love & kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

Rock and Roll Hall of Flaming Talent

2008-05-06T22:00:00.002-04:00

(Just kidding...)

There were some surprises tonight and I am writing as I watch so I am not even aware of all of them yet. There is also some tremendous pimpin' - quelle suprise...

First off was Cookie - he was HUNGRY LIKE THE WOLF. I had just had a big meal and wasn't all that interested. Also, one of the top 500 most influential songs? Really??

Syesha did PROUD MARY proud. She shook it up in a not too slutty way and had a lot of fun. I thought she sounded great and looked great. I loved it.

Oh my... Jason Castro committed a heinous act of cultural decimation by attempting Bob Marley's I SHOT THE SHERIFF. It was bad. Which was too bad because he was excited about singing a song he loved. But it was just lame. He looked cute, but TPTB were very willing to let
him shoot himself in the foot. (But not the deputy.)

L'il Davy did a stellar job with STAND BY ME and finally earned the strokes that Randy seems unable to stop giving him. It was a great song for him and he mixed it up a little with BEAUTIFUL GIRLS for just a few seconds. It was a good job and my favorite LD performance since IMAGINE.

And speaking of surprises - BABA O'RILEY??? On AI??? The Who's most often miss-named song (admit it Lady C, you thought it was called TEENAGE WASTELAND, didn't you?) in a horrible arrangement. The arrangement blew hard, but this boy really can sing. I really loathed that that song was on here, but he really has a fantastic voice. When he jumped up an octave, I sat up in my seat. Very impressive.

(I am just going to take the time to say that Ryan's hair looks bizarre. He looks like Bob's Big Boy)

Syesha looked amazing (Apparently I am channeling Paula, but the girl is beautiful...) She sang A CHANGE IS GOING TO COME and sounded amazing. I love that song and she really did it justice. Now she just broke down - it seemed like when Paula complimented her. I don't know if it was the performance of a lifetime (the tears, I mean) or if she really meant it, but I like to think the latter. Ryan, Paula and Simon gave Randy all kinds of crap about making her cry (he didn't like it) but I think it was the emotions of the song getting to her. Good TV, that's for sure.

Jason did better with MR. TAMBOURINE MAN, but he did botch the lyrics and will be almost certainly going home tomorrow night. He is outclassed as a singer by the other three and he knows it. I doubt there will be tears tomorrow night when we say goodbye to him. And Simon was nice enough to advise him to get an early start on his packing.

And who is that singing LOVE ME TENDER? Why it is sultry L'il Davy! It is a "romantic love song". I have to say that he is hell of a singer and did a nice job with this. And of course 12 year old girls all over the country are dropping $4.95 for next months Teen Beat magazine with him on the cover. He is crazy strange looking when he sings, but it sounds so sweet! I am extremely uncomfortable the Randy said he "was so tender and caressed each word". He really did a great job tonight.

My pix for the night:

Love Me Tender - just as soon as I get through puberty.
A Change is Gonna Come - and has already come.
Proud Mary - and Proud Syesha, too.
Stand By Me - but don't touch me because I am 11.
Baba O'Riley - or slightly older than teenage wasteland.
Hungry Like the Wolf - hungry for victory!
I Shot the Sherrif - and should have just turned my weapon on myself.
Mr. Whatever Guy - in the jingle-doodle - blah-blah I'll do whatever.

Brunie, OUT!

Neil Diamond, I Cried...

2008-04-30T20:24:00.002-04:00

Wow, that was a train wreck!

Randy, can you pimp Little Davy a little harder please?
Paula, WTF?
Simon, actually you kind of saved it.

And the contestants:
Jason, dull as dirt although the BLUE JEANS song was less horrible than the other.

Big Dave, choosing two songs I have never heard is a double-edged sword. On the one hand they sounded good and I didn't hear Neil Diamond (who I kind of liked as a person, but can't stand as a singer) singing along. However, they were still written by Neil Diamond. So blah...

Brooke, sweet jumpin' Jehoshaphat that first song was crap. It was her worst ever. Worse than HERE COMES THE SUN. I have never been a BELIEVER of that song, but it sucked hard. I did like her version of I AM I SAID even thought she should have kept New York and 86-ed the stupid "not even the chair" line that has always made me enraged with its stupidity. I really liked when her voice broke, I like it when she means it.

Little Davy must just stop. He makes me crazy with his lip licking and his gasping and his closed eyes and he animatronic facial expressions. SWEET CAROLINE and COMING TO AMERICA are both crimes against humanity for which Diamond will someday need to answer and now LD is guilty by association. He makes me deeply uneasy. And I hate the way Randy talks him up. He is a good technical singer, I suppose, but he screws up the words and is loathsome.

Which brings us to Syesha. She is the second best one in the competition right now all around. Both her performances kicked total butt last night. If she stays this good TPTB are going to have to give up their beloved David vs. David finale.

And here is where it lies Brunie-wise:

Best in show: David C.
Best performer: Syesha
Most inexplicably attractive: Jason
Most earnest: Brooke
Most irritating: L'il Davy (that's right, I have taken away some of his letters. So there...)

Brunie, OUT!