Fallen Angel

Wow. Did NOT see that coming.

I watched the last 15 minutes of last night's show, and when I saw who was in the bottom 3 (after doing a double-take at Casey), I nodded wisely. Yes, sage that I am, I called it: Mike is going home.

Well, we all know how that played out.

I'm sad but not stunned. Siobhan peaked early, fell quickly, and never regained her momentum. I hope that she goes on to have a lovely and colorful career — she's talented and focused, and I wish her all the best.

Now, Casey in the bottom 3 instead of Lee? America, you are on ludes. And that is one American girl's opinion.

Lady C, out!

I'm a Little Bit Country

Wow, Brunie and I are "simul"blogging, first time all season, I think! And her post only confirms what I already believed to be true: It's Opposite Day in the Chardonnay household, as I rarely agreed with the judges and agree with Brunie only once. Which means that Big Mike is for sure going home, but you didn't hear it from me.

Despite the above title and my obsession with the soundtrack of Crazy Heart and my subsequent doomed crush on Waylon Jennings (I just feel we have no future), I'm not a country music lover and knew very few of these songs. I still had a good time tonight, though, and I must say that Shania — based on what she elicited from our Idolettes — is one fine mentor.

Lee opened the show, looking and sounding a bit sleepy; he started to rouse himself toward the middle and it got better, but it was never electric, and Lee is capable of more than this. But then the judges cheer and huzzah, and I grow confused.

Mike's up next, and I start to frown. He just sounds — hmm, what's a word that means "not good"? That's how he sounds. I actually write the word "girly," then I feel bad. But his voice is all high and breathy and — oh, it does not sound good. But the first three judges are celebrating Opposite Day with a vengeance, and they smite my opinion! Ow!

Except: then Simon says "girly" and I have the proverbial cow. Mimosa came running to see what the ungodly noise was. (Me, cow — she went back to her magazine.)

(Neither of my kids will watch Idol any more. They are done with this season. I muster my wits and carry on, for the sake of the blog, don'tcha know.)

I do love that Mike made Shania cry. That was sweet.

Casey says he's going to step up, and I grow excited and hopeful, because I've been waiting for this for a long time. And it's not a particularly challenging song, it seems to me, but nonetheless, he does push his voice to places I haven't heard from him yet. I am really impressed. His performance reminded me, in an odd way, of Siobhan's version of "Across the Universe," with its quiet tempo and technical precision (though halfway into the song, Casey did rock it out). I really really really liked this, and the judges have finished celebrating their contrariness and finally agreed to hear what I hear. Ellen even used the words "Bob Seger," which I have applied to Casey in the past and which made me feel very musically astute. You know, like Ellen.

Crystal looks adorable and is oddly subdued. She sounds okay but not great. "Okay Crystal" is still better than, say, "Great Mike," but still. I'm disappointed.

(Though having Crystal falter makes the competition a bit more interesting, perhaps. I don't tend to watch the Wednesday night shows, even though I'm in that wacky minority that looooooves the Up with People group numbers — it's just me, Ryan Seacrest, and Snuggles the Fabric Softener Bear — but I am rather curious about tomorrow night's results.)

Sweet little Aaron sits sweetly on his stool, and I prepare for his weekly song of sweetness. And then my jaw drops, because, my goodness, turning 17 has made a man of our sweet baby! He sounds great and assured, and it's a very confident, mature performance. The judges are likewise impressed, and we all beam with pride. Which Aaron accepts, sweetly.

Siobhan is closing, and I have high hopes; I haven't seen her in a week, and her last two performances before that were not so great. And I really want to like this . . . but there is just so much going on! From her busy, busy outfit to her big country band to her relentless pacing to her big affected attitude (the better to sing this song, my dear) — it all kind of overwhelms her voice, which is just too small at the beginning to stand up to all that big busy-ness. And then she finds her signature glory notes . . . and they get away from her, a little bit. It was interesting, and kind of fun, I guess, but not the best Siobhan performance by a long shot, and I am starting to worry that she's lost herself.

So that was our show, and man! I feel like a woman. Don't you?

My favorites of the night were Casey and Aaron, both of whom made me cry a little. In my Mama Bear way, I'm just so proud of both of them!

Going home, as I said, will likely be Mike, who's been voted out before; tonight's performance won't have anyone power-dialing for him. And Lee will be in the bottom three. But will one of our golden girls join him there? This may be enough to get me to watch a results show after all.

Up with People 4-Evah! Lady Chardonnay, out!

Keeping Expectations Low...

I like Shania Twain based on what I learned from the book pictured here. It isn't about Shania, but it is a sweet story about a girl trying to make it in Nashville and each chapter begins with a mini-biography of a country musician who came from nowhere and made it big.

I like Shania because she was raised dirt poor and when she was 22, had moved away and was finally making some noise in Nashville, her parents died. She put her dreams on hold and spent the next 4 years back in Canada where she took in her younger siblings and raised them herself.

So I am pretty sure as a person she is awesome. However, I don't know any of her songs! I have heard MAN I FEEL LIKE A WOMAN and there is another woman-y one that I can't remember the name of. But I am pretty sure I am not going to know any of these tunes.

Lee starts off with STILL THE ONE which is not the one where "We're still havin' fun and you're still the one" that I remember from my youth. He does that Lee thing where he looks a little pained and sings with his scratchy old voice. He sounded fine.

(Hey, did you know Alison Irahita is on the cover of LATINA magazine this month? She looks cute as a bug.)

Big Mike sings IT ONLY HURTS WHEN I'M BREATHING which is one of those "clever" songs where it says crazy crap that kind of means the opposite. It is so odd that the arms of the inferi don't even know what to do. And his last note sounds like it is in a different key. But that could just be the song. Apparently hid did well, but I couldn't tell.

Casey sings DON'T which I have never heard before in my life. I cracked up when he said "I am only playing rhythm guitar." He sounds good, not great. But the crowd goes wild. The judges liked the country vibe. And they really liked the connection he had with the song. And then Simon tried to pimp him out to Shania who is MY AGE for heaven's sake!

What is Miss Crystal doing out here in the middle of the competition? Damn, Ryan draws attention to Shania's white teeth and Crystal doesn't even flinch. Although I do. She is singing NO ONE NEEDS TO KNOW and she does a cute little falsetto and I really like it. She sounds a little Joni Mitchell-ish. I kind of like it because it is different from her usual thing. But I wonder if it is a little light for the competition. And I want to slap Kara. And Simon gets all shirty! I hope it won't hurt her chances...

L'il Aaron sings YOU GOT A WAY or some such crap like that. He once again sounds really good if you just don't look. I really do hope he will be a little Tiger Beat poster boy when he leaves IDOL. I don't think he is going to be here much longer. Randy uses the word "wheelhouse" twice in the same show losing all credit that he gets for using it in the first place. Aaron says he was singing the song to his mom which is sweet and also kind of icky. Simon even liked him.

Siobahn looking like her wacky little self is singing ANY MAN OF MINE. Shania sounds so darned Canadian when she is giving advice! She is my second favorite Canadian singer of all time! Siobahn is going home because she is not doing much and she is dragging behind the band a little. She get's her big ass note in there, but it is too little too late. I can't believe they ended with her. Now I love little Siobahn and her wacky glassblowing oxygen deficient brain. But I didn't like it and I can't believe the judges bought it. Bleh...

I think that Siobahn or Big Mike should go byesies. But what do I know?

Off to watch GLEE...

Brunie, OUT!

V-A-C-A-T-I-O-N !

Queried one of our many fans, "Was the 'inspirational' week so non-inspirational that there is no update?"

Though many flip remarks come to mind (We hate inspiration! We are all about boot straps and perspiration!), the real answer is that around these parts it's school vacation week, and we devoted mammas have been tending to our young and spending that quality time.

(I read four library books and fell in love with a new cocktail, the Trystini: raspberry vodka, triple sec, and passion fruit nectar. Boy howdy, is it gooooooood!!!)

(In other words: AWESOME week.)

I have every expectation that blogging will resume this week, as the kids are back in school and we have nothing but time on our hands.

Then again, flesh is weak. Que sera sera.

Lady Trystini Chardonnay out!

Thank you, thankyouverymuch...

So I know that Lady Char has been carrying the rest of us for the past few weeks. It just so happens I am home at the same time that Idol is on. So I thought I would celebrate by typing as I watch.

So Crystal opened with SAVED and did my favorite thing, which is singing like the best singer that ever sang. I am very tired of Randy name checking Bonnie Raitt (who I like as a personality, but am not all that big a fan of). The judges gave her the tongue bath she so richly deserves.

Andrew sang a Vegas-y version of HOUND DOG that didn't make me want to vomit. Ellen made my least favorite judge remark when she used the word "swagger". Dammit! Kara just said "swagger" too. Blech. The judges hated him and I have a suspicion he will be gone tomorrow.

Tim is singing I CAN'T HELP FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU. His guitar playing is good and Adam thinks he is so so pretty. And frankly, he is not bad. It hurts me to say it, but he is not annoying to me. Well, he still does that annoying thing where he says "uh" or "en" before a vowel as he is singing. And I believe he wimped out of ending on the falsetto. But he sounded good and compared to how he usually sounds - he was pretty awesome. I still loathe him, but he doesn't deserve to go based on this performance.

Lee is doing a bluesy version of A LITTLE LESS CONVERSATION. It isn't his best ever, but I do love his voice. I think it was a little bland myself. The judges seemed pleased. Quite pleased.

Little Aaron is going to sing BLUE SUEDE SHOES and in his promo he sounded fantastic. And he does in performance as well. If you don't look at him he sounds freaking amazing! I just can't watch his Elvis dancing. But he sounded great. Simon pointed out that he didn't do anything new, but he did the old stuff well.

Siobahn looks incredibly stunning tonight. She looks huge next to little Ryan on the stools. Or he looks tiny next to her. Who can tell? Okay, her face looks a little funny to me when she is singing SUSPICIOUS MINDS. She sounds good but looks a little like Mrs. Cunningham from Happy Days. She rocks it out about 3/4 of the way through and makes me love her again. Randy concurs. And while I could care less what Randy says, he is right. In response to Simon's dis she makes what, from anyone else would sound like a bitch-statement, "If I can't even label myself, I don't think it is necessary to be labeled." But she believes it, so I will allow it.

I bet Brian Dunkleman stabs a Ryan Seacrest voodoo doll over and over every night before he falls into his fitful, tortured sleep.

Big Mike (He has a baby, did you know?) sings IN THE GHETTO. Beautiful voice. Damn. Beautiful voice. Man, that was really good.

BABY, WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO? is the question that Katie is singing. She sounds good and looks like the cutest dominatrix in the eleventh grade. I don't think it was half as good as last week, but not bad.

Casey is batting clean-up and he is singing LAWDY MISS CLAWDY. "Please don't excite me", indeed! He sounds all jam-band-y and I like it a lot. When he sings he's "down in misery" he has a little smile on his face that convinces me that his misery involves LOTS of patchouli smelling sex. It wasn't my favorite Casey, but it was pleasant.

In watching the review clips I am shocked to find that after Mike, my favorite is Tim! This is such a Mrs. Cynicletary moment. The two preformers who annoy me the most are my faovorites of the night! I also think Crystal, Lee and Aaron sounded great. Siobahn and Casey weren't overwhelming, but they were still good. Andrew and Katie are going home in my perfect world. We will see tomorrow.

Brunie, OUT!

Didgeri-diggity-doo!

Once again, I debated the merits of a likely dull Idol evening vs. crawling into bed with Lost and V and a hot cuppa (and I battled a migraine all day, I am one tuckered tootsie), but curiosity (or my Type A personality) won out, and I chose to hear the Idolettes tackle the Lennon-McCartney songbook. And the tide has turned, or the worm, or something, because these lackluster songbirds have finally stepped up and found their voices; tonight's weakest performer still wasn't half bad, and this was a pretty great show all around, I thought. Your mileage may vary, but me? I am drinkin' the Kool-Aid, man, and I'm a happier person for it.

First up is young Aaron, who sings "The Long and Winding Road" perfectly nicely. I think I say this about Aaron every week. He has a perfectly nice voice and is a lovely young man. I don't see any real star power, but it's a decent rendition of a lovely song. And — spoiler! — this perfectly nice performance, turns out, is one of the weakest of the night. So, not so great for Aaron, maybe, but good news for us!

Tonight's time-filling innovation is "Get to Know Your Idolettes" — little snippets about each of them in "real" life. I enjoyed it, and the person I enjoyed the most, consistently, throughout the night was — Katie! She is such a fun, funny girl; she can do hilariously spot-on imitations of the others, and seems to have warm, genuine relationships with all of them. Who knew?

And she's up next, singing "Let It Be," one of those perfect songs that it's hard to mess up, and Katie does well with it — changing the tempo just enough that it's not pure karaoke, but still respecting the purity of the song. It's a sweet, strong, confident performance. Wow, is she growing on me! I would not have predicted this. The judges are likewise surprised and impressed.

Andrew, still beaming with confidence from last week's surprise hit performance, does a bouncy version of "Can't Buy Me Love" and looks like the love child of Wayne Newton and Kim Jong Il, to the point where I can't even look at him any more. He sounds fine and it's a kind of fun version, but ultimately a bit silly. So he joins Aaron under the "Weakest of the Night" banner — but I've heard him be way worse than this, for sure.

Big Mike has chosen to speed up the tempo of "Eleanor Rigby" and sounds a bit like Tom Jones doing so. I liked the arrangement; the judges were mixed. I will say, though, that Mike's skill as a performer outweighs his skill as a vocalist, and at some point someone besides me will notice that. This is a singing competition, after all, as a certain Brit used to remind us weekly, before he became so obsessed with having "a moment."

When I hear that Crystal is singing "Come Together," a song I loathe, I groan and cringe and brace myself. Then I remember that Crystal is magic. (See: Tracy Chapman) And she is indeed fantastic. Best of the night, in my opinion. Didgeri-whee!

Tim "Can You Believe I'm Still Here?" is up next with a perfectly nice version of "All My Lovin'." His voice is fine, it's a peppy song (though he pronounces "I'll" like "all" — "To-morrow all miss you" — which I don't like; I'm a fan of e-nun-ci-a-tion) — again, I don't see any real star quality, but there's nothing really wrong here. The judges are a tad more impressed, and Tim seems gratified.

Casey Trevor Drake Fabio says that he's singing John Lennon's "Jealous Guy," a song I don't know, and a few bars in I grow very sad, wishing that John were here to sing it. But Casey does a great job, especially toward the end when he's all fired up and Bob Seger-y; I love his growly voice. To me, he was second only to Crystal tonight.

Mrs. C opined last week that only Lee is really getting better, but I think for the most part they all are, Casey and Katie in particular (in addition to Lee, I mean). And for that reason, perhaps, there is something to be said for having slightly-less-than-stellar contestants at the outset. I compare this season to the previous most-lackluster season, the one won by Jordin Sparks, and I think about those folks (Phil, Blake, Melinda, LaKisha, Haley, Sanjaya...), and I really do think this group is better.

(Because, that group? Really blew. But I digress.)

Siobhan's up next, and I'm nervous for her, given her not-so-great performance last week — and after she sings, I'm still a bit nervous, I must admit. Her restrained version of "Across the Universe" was technically almost perfect — "from a singing perspective," as Kara said, it was beautiful. But as a whole, it was just kind of odd — and Siobhan is an odd, quirky girl, and we all love that about her, but as I said — I'm worried. I don't think she's going home, but I do think she needs to be very, very brilliant next week. Which she totally can be.

I tend to read my book (tonight: Keeping the House by Ellen Baker, sooooo good so far!) during commercials without looking up, but this tag for a Fox news story made me howl: "Sent to Fake Prom." Oh, that poor girl.

(For some reason, it reminded me of one of my favorite Lifetime Television for Women movie titles: "She Woke Up Pregnant." Don't ask me to explain how my brain works.)

Lee drew the Pimp Spot this week, and, whoo! Talk about high expectations. Which he doesn't quite live up to, though his rendition of "Hey Jude" is really good, especially the ending . . . and I'm looking at my notebook to write these words, then I look back up at the TV screen — and there's a bagpiper.

(I totally thought I was on ludes. That was a trip.)

So that was our show, and I had a swell time: some lovely young voices, and some of the greatest music evah. Mrs. C said recently that people are either Elvis people or Beatles people, and I protested that I was both (which annoyed her greatly), but I realized later that I was talking only about singing; when you consider musicianship as a whole, of course the Beatles are the masters of the universe. (Sorry, King.)

The bottom two seats will likely contain Andrew and Aaron tomorrow night (though I think Aaron has a lot of rapid-dialing fangirls, so who knows), but I really have no idea who will occupy seat #3. Tim? Katie, out of habit? Siobhan (gasp!)? Mike? Truly, no clue.

Going home, I think, will be Andrew — which is too bad, in a way, as he should have been sent home for much worse performances than this one! But it's time.

Lady Chardonnay, out!

The One Where Siobhan Became the Underdog and Lee's Life Changed Forever

Hully gee! Once again, I got all comfy with my low, low expectations, and then these Idolettes, for the most part, knocked my (Bower)socks off! If Siobhan is one of the weakest, you know there's some mad singing going on. Or it's Armageddon — it could always be Armageddon.

But the Four Horsemen have thus far evaded my living room, so I'm going with the former.

Siobhan's our lead-off singer tonight, and chose to tackle "Through the Fire." First off, the big glasses threw me, as I kept thinking I was seeing Big Glasses Girl from Hollywood Week – and what shenanigans were going on now? Was it another Chris Golightly/Tim Urban thing, and they had to pull in yet another previously-passed-on Idolette? But no, it was just Siobhan doing that I-can-get-away-with-this-nonsense thing that wildly talented beautiful girls with attitude can in fact get away with, but it didn't make me love her, nor did her diva 'tude post-performance, though I'm getting ahead of myself.

Her performance was just all right, and Randy called it: It wasn't the big screamy notes, it was the lower notes that were the problem. But the big screamies are kind of their own problem too, because they're now predictable and a little silly.

And then she went back to the dressing room and didn't talk to anyone; I get that she's young and it's hard to get your first bad reviews, but sweetie, America's watching; put on your happy face and move on. Have a hissy later in the shower, like a grown-up.

I don't for one minute think she's in trouble, but hopefully this will be a wake-up call and she'll sing for her life next week, because that would be cool to hear.

ANYWAY. Batting second is Casey, rocking out on a bluesy "Hold On, I'm Coming" with his great raspy voice; it's not a hugely original version, but he gives a confident, assured performance and sounds fantastic. He is in the zone, man. The judges all liked it too, and Casey beams.

Michael is singing India Arie's "Ready for Love" (yes, I know that's not how she does her name, but I am a writer of English), a song neither Kara nor I knew, but as far as I can tell he does a nice job with it. I liked that he avoided his falsetto. I'm still not a huge fan of his voice, and when he sings a ballad I find it all a little dull, but I actually think his voice is getting better. And he is such an immensely likable presence, he'll be around for a while.

Didi promises to emote through "What Becomes of the Broken-Hearted?" and then sings a curiously flat version of it. Who'da thunk the day would come when we'd beg for more emotion from Didi? Yeah, this just wasn't good at all, and I don't know what to make of it. The judges are likewise nonplussed. I'm sad, because I used to love her (but it's all over now).

That crazy kid Tim takes it into his head to sing Anita Baker's "Sweet Love," and earnestly assures Usher that he has in fact been in love, and next year he gets to stay up till 10:30 and borrow the car two nights a week! Oh, Tim. I do truly love how much fun he's having with all this — he beams and beams as the judges flay him. (He doesn't sound terrible — he's fine. The song is way too sophisticated for him, that's all.)

So Andrew's next, and I have my usual feeling of total disinterest, other than mild surprise that he's still here — hut blow me down, he does a very nice job with "Forever." I'm still not a big fan of his voice, but tonight he pulled it together and it all worked. Nicely done, Andrew.

Little bitty Katie tells Usher that she's singing "Chain of Fools," and I'm thinking, Ohhhh honey. But I freakin' loved it! (Way more than the judges did, for sure.) What I saw was a young girl casting off all the confusing advice she's received, singing a song she's sung into her hairbrush 1,200 times, having a great time playing a part, and just really letting go and enjoying herself. And that made me happy. Go, kitten!

Pre-Lee side note: I had lunch with our usual blogging partner Mrs. Cynicletary today, and she confirmed that she's not into blogging this season and has barely connected with the show so far — but the one contestant she's interested in is Lee, as she sees great potential there and he's already starting to get better. So she may be one of the few who weren't completely stunned by what came next.

Lee, who has always been a consistent, competent performer, brought down the house tonight! He nails "Treat Her Like a Lady" with astonishing vocals and tremendous stage presence, charisma emanating like a sexy halo. He looked confident and mature and handsome. What a singer! What a performance! Where on earth did that come from??!!!

"This may be the night your life changed forever," said Simon, and I got a chill.

Thank goodness la Bowersox is up next, because I can't imagine anyone else following Lee's stealth brilliance with any success. Though Lee did steal a bit of Crystal's thunder; by the time we got a gander at her stilettos, I think we were all surprised out.

But it deserves to be commented on: Crystal cleans up very, very nicely. ("Crystal's a girl!" I squealed.)

I couldn't watch her while she played the piano because she made me too nervous, but her voice was as pure and lovely as ever. "Midnight Train to Georgia" was a perfect song for her. A very nice, clean, polished, fine performance. And good for her for mixing it up a bit.

Little Aaron closes the show, singing "Ain't No Sunshine," one of those fabuloso songs that it's hard to really screw up, and he doesn't really screw up, he sounds sweet and fine, but it's nothing to write home about. But I was a tad disappointed: Aaron was the recipient of the one and only piece of Usher advice that I thought actually useful, and that was how to sing the long string of "I know I know I know I know . . ."s. Aaron did it really well with Usher, but then he didn't do it on stage, which was a bummer. But Aaron is such a cute little pup, I don't think he's in danger.

But then . . . who is? Most people did pretty well tonight!

Based solely on tonight's performances, the bottom three should be Didi, Tim, and Siobhan, with Didi going home. I truly can't believe that Siobhan will be in the bottom three, though, and I suspect that my delight over Katie's inner vixen will NOT be the popular opinion, so Katie will likely take her usual place in the bottom three with Didi and Tim. Though I still think Didi will go home.

Wow, for a season touting "the strongest women yet!", the chicks are sure dropping like flies, aren't they?

Lady Chardonnay, out!

What I Did Last Night

(instead of watching Idol)

A PTO meeting at Li'l Martini's school, then a lovely bubble bath, then climbing into bed to watch "Lost." Which I slept through most of, so I'll have to repeat the process tonight, sans meeting. I'll try to catch Idol today, but I'm dealing with a computer meltdown and a 130-page math curriculum to edit — the odds, they aren't so good.

Sister bloggers, might you step up? (Mrs. Cynicletary has succumbed to ennui this season; she has yet to make it through a whole episode without the urge channel-surf. And BrunhildeCrow is busily packing galoshes and the like for her upcoming jaunt to the wetter coast — I'm not counting on either of them, frankly, but a girl does like to be asked.)

Lady Chardonnay, back to work and out!

Everybody Must Get Stoned

It's Stones night, and I am one happy mama! I love the Stones, especially Keith, I love when the Idolettes sing songs I know, I am high on life.

And if I'd bet on "lost" as the drinking-game word of the night, I'd be considerably snockered right about now. Too bad.

Setting the tone for the evening is Michael Lynche, who is feeling no pain; he owns the stage, and the crowd goes wild. It kind of doesn't even matter what his vocals sound like (though he sounds pretty good); he is such a giant chocolate teddy bear, and his joy is infectious. And his version of "Miss You" is also a lot of fun (I kinda like it better than the original, in fact — don't tell Keith!!). A great start to the evening, or, as Randy says, "Dawg, you slayed it."

My girl Didi Benami is next, singing one of my favorite Stones songs, "Play with Fire." Hmm — half of me likes her torchy rendition, half of me is finding it a little weird, and it seems like she hit a bum note at the end. I do still love her voice, though; she's got this little twang that I find very appealing. Potato, potahto, BeckEye!

Casey James has decided to channel Bad Blake tonight, singing, "It's All Over Now," and the result is smokin'! I LOVED it. (Though Simon's comment, that Casey still needs to push himself, is not unreasonable.)

Lacey Brown chose the song that used to be my son's lullaby, "Ruby Tuesday," and does all kinds of weird twisty Lacey things to it, and I'm growing weary of her vocal acrobatics. I was looking for a BIG chorus here, but she just kept on keeping on with her sleepy version (and later Ellen used the word "sleepy" as well, so I'm totally right). Li'l Martini was disgusted: "You used to sing THAT to me?" "Yes, but better," I said. Then I notice what she's wearing: a lacy beige half-slip over her nice striped shirt, which: odd. Though it reminds me of when I was in college and used to wear all these cotton slips I bought at Goodwill, you know, as outerwear. You can do that when you're in college, or at least at my little hippie college you could. But we're grown-ups now, and even Madonna wears her underclothing actually under her clothing.

Li'l Martini: "You're not going to judge her on her outfit, are you?"

I sent him to bed.

Up next is Andrew Garcia with "Gimme Shelter," and honestly, his vocals didn't bother me at all. He's still not my favorite, but I didn't have to fight the urge to stab my ears with pointy things, and that is a huge step forward in the healing, friends. The Stones!! They are so magic!! (Ellen Chardonnay DeGeneres calls it his best performance yet, and I am forced to agree.)

Little Katie Stevens has chosen to sing "Wild Horses," and I feel bad for her. In her brilliant book Sex Tips for Girls, Cynthia Heimel suggests dancing aerobically to Stones music as a fun path to physical fitness, though she cautions you to avoid songs like "Wild Horses" (not aerobic) and to dance like Mick rather than Keith. Mick is aerobic. Keith mostly stumbles. The point is, I think "Wild Horses" is a major snoozer, though Katie looks very pretty, very age-appropriate for once, and gives it a sweet teenage yearning that I didn't anticipate. A good-not-great performance, but she's getting there.

Tim Urban sings "Under My Thumb," and I keep thinking of our reigning Idol, sweet young Kris — isn't Tim basically Kris Lite? Perfectly cute, perfectly nice, perfectly competent, not going to set the world on fire any time soon — just a nice, nice boy. The difference, I guess, is that Kris really was capable of greatness on occasion, and I don't think Tim's there — but anyway. It was a perfectly nice performance, and I guarantee no one will ever give it a second thought. Except for the people reading this sentence right now.

For the second time tonight, Kara refers to Randy and Ellen as "the guys," which is just so weird. Did Kara ever call Paula a "guy"? Man, she is grating.

I start doing math in my head, counting the remaining singers and my thus-far-unsung favorite Stones songs and wondering if I'll get lucky — and, shaZam! Here's my favorite girl, Siobhan Magnus, singing my favorite song, "Paint It Black"!!

. . .

. . .

(That blank space is a moment of silence for Siobhan, who rendered me speechless.)

(LOVE.)

(HER.)

Unfortunately, someone has to follow la diva, and it falls to poor Lee DeWyze, who sings "Beast of Burden," sounds a lot like yesterday's Casey James, and never really ignites. It's fine, and I still love his craggyy voice, but the arrangement was too familiar and therefore dull.

Hey, something's gotten into Ellen tonight — she finally seems comfortable at the judges' table, and her comments have ranged far beyond her usual "great." Someone got the lady a thesaurus! Good on her.

Paige Miles is wearing an unfortunate outfit — what's with all the shorts over dark stockings? Is this a hot new look? yikes — and rocks out a little bit with "Honky Tonk Woman," but it's still a little off. Maybe it's her laryngitis, but my fear is that she's this year's Lill Rounds — an undeniably good singer, but an inability to really connect with a song and the audience. I don't remember her from Hollywood, so I'm still waiting for this great voice that Simon keeps talking about. I hope I get to hear it.

When I heard that little Aaron Kelly was singing "Angie," I did my first (well, and only) spit take of the night, but he does a very sweet job of it. (I can't imagine ever writing a review of Aaron's singing that doesn't revolve around the word "sweet.")

Closing the show is Crystal Bowersox, singing another of my favorite Stones songs, "You Can't Always Get What You Want," and while the judges were a bit less whelmed, I thought she was fantastic. Less folk-y than usual and more rock-y, she was polished and professional, simultaneously hot and cool, and she sounded sublime. Love the song, love her, loved the performance.

So that was the show, and given all the bitching I've done about this season's lackluster talent, I have to give the Idolettes their props: They are a pretty good group after all.

Going home? I have no idea. Tim and Lacey were the weakest, but I suspect that each has a cult-like fan base, so the lower-wattage Andrew, Lee, Didi, Katie, or Paige could be in trouble instead. Yes, it could be any one of these seven. You heard it here!

Lady Keith Chardonnay Richards, OUT!

Everything I Thought I Knew

A few years ago, the company I worked for hired an interim CFO. This thrilled me, because I didn't know that such a job even existed. And I love when that happens, because it lets me keep believing that somehow, somewhere, my dream job actually exists.

Which is: to read TV Guide and then be quizzed on it.

Ah — that's my heaven. I absorb nothing so readily as the content of TV Guide. I don't even watch that much TV, really (which is ironic, for the girl blogging a TV show) — I've never seen an episode of Melrose Place in my life, for example, but I can tell you the basic overview of the original show and name the entire cast, and even drop a few plot points re: its latest incarnation.

I'm not especially proud of this skill. Like people who can spit really far or burp the alphabet — it's just an odd thing that I happen to be able to do very well.

But now — hmm. I have to wonder if TV Guide has gone deranged.

There they are: the eight finalists that TV Guide labeled "the ones to watch." And as faithful viewers well know, the only one who even made it to the Top 12 is Andrew "Yawni" Garcia, Gokey 2.0, and his days are likely numbered.

(which: yay !!)

Can I continue to hitch my wagon to the star of such a deeply impaired publication?

Lady Chardonnay, befuddled and OUT.

Half a Mind

Lady Char has brilliantly recapped the performances this week. While I don't agree at all about the boys (I loathed Tim and Aaron and loved Todrick and Alex.) apparently America was drinking the same hooch she was.

Now for the girls, I am overjoyed. I have been wanting to slap Lily for awhile and while I never was appalled by Kaitlyn, I far prefer Paige to her and I really hope Paige gets her somethings in a something (Ducks in a row? Babies in the bathwater? Whatever cliche that means she stops sucking...). Lady Char was 100% right and America agreed!

And I am so looking forward to the theme nights!

See you next week.

Brunie, OUT!

I Know What Boys Like

. . . and it ain't Randy Jackson in a bikini, my friends.

So, Idol also has male singers, apparently! This is my first time seeing them since Hollywood (when I was — what's the word? — unwhelmed), so I settled in for a comfy evening of low expectations and ennui.

Lee "Who?" Dewyze starts us off with a song I don't know, called "I'm Awake, I'm Asleep, I Have Dreams & Seams," and he is the very definition of affable. I enjoy his voice, I enjoy his low-key performance — there's no real star power here, but what's not to like? Go, Lee!

Hmm, perhaps I have misjudged these fellows! Perhaps I've been too quick to bond myself to quirky brilliant Siobhan, charismatic Crystal, and my lovah Didi! With an open mind, I warmly greet #2 guy, Alex Lambert.

And with his first nasal note, I slam it back shut again. Alex sings about "Trouble" dogging him since the day he was born (six years ago), and I feel his misery, BELIEVE me. Go home, Alex, to that strange barber-less town where you live. Please. Go home.

Up next is Tim Urban, whom I believe to be the "Vote for the Worst" whipping boy this term. He sings "Hallelujah," and I am at a loss, because I think he's delightful. His voice is clean and true, and it's a lovely rendition of this lovely song. The VFTW people can go hang — I am solidly on the Tim Urban train. Tonight anyway.

Andrew Garcia is up next, and I do my little Zen breathing thing where I let go of all my stored Danny Gokey resentment and open my mind to the clean slate that is Andrew. He doesn't help me by gibbering unintelligbly about "roots" for about five years. Andrew is singing "Genii in a Bottle," huh, and from the first note he's lost me; I cannot abide that high reedy voice of his. I also must document Andrew's accessories: V-neck cardigan, two chunky diamond earrings, and a chain on his pants. He's like the nerdiest gang member ever.

Once again I tried, Dear Readers, Lord knows I tried, but Andrew is simply Not For Me.

Casey James sits on a stool with his acoustic guitar and sings "You'll Think of Me," very simply, with his deep, lovely voice. This is the kind of low-key but smooth performance I go all kinds of nutty for, and no, it was not Casey's pulchritude, I kept my eyes closed the whole time, sisters. I'm determined to quit posting about how very, very pretty Casey is; as TV Guide admonished Kara, "Keep it in your pants, will ya?" He is a genuinely talented man and deserves better.

Hmm, but I'm startled by the judges' lukewarm praise, and Simon's later dis of "boring" performers who "sit on a stool playing a guitar." Wow — I find almost nothing hotter than a guitar-playing long-haired lovely man straddling a stool, but then, Simon is way more intrigued by Randy in a bikini than I'll ever be, so I guess it's safe to say that our romantic fancies have little overlap.

Time for Aaron "16!" Kelly, who sings a great big song with his sweet big-boy voice, and dances awkwardly, like one of those toys where you push a button on the bottom and it does a series of deep knee bends (what are those called?). But he is very dear and seems more confident onstage than the last time I saw him. His voice is fine, he's eminently lovable, and I want a lifetime of puppies and muffins for Aaron Kelly, really I do. Can I vote for that?

And now I'm starting to worry, because the only one I've really disliked is Alex Nasalbert (well, and Andrew, but I think there's a law against voting him out), and two boys have to go home; what does this mean for Casey? But thank heaven for Todrick Hall, who tries to convince us that he wants "Somebody to Love," when it's abundantly clear that he already loves himself quite sufficiently. Todrick prances and preens and delivers an outstandingly underwhelming vocal; you need a great voice to perform this great song, which Todrick has not got. Period. But oh my is he pleased with his little prancy self. Ugh.

Michael Lynche, another high-voiced man, is bringing us home tonight, and I haven't been that impressed with him before — and when he opens "This Woman's Work" with his customary falsetto, I roll my eyes. But then he won me over with his expert command of the stage, beautiful vocals, and near-perfect connection to this song. A truly fine performance and a joy to watch and listen to. Michael Lynche, who knew?

So, wow, that was some show! Low expectations, it turns out, are exactly the right companion for an evening of Idol.

Who is going home? you ask. Well, of course I vote for Alex Nasalbert, Andrew Underwhelming, and Todrick Prancypants, but I am scared for the Nice Boys who sang clean, quieter songs: Lee, Tim, and Casey. Come on, Idol voters! (of whom I am not, so far this season anyway) Let the right one(s) in!

With that, I bid you a good night. Lady Chardonnay, OUT!

Laid-Back Ladies

It's a calm, peaceful, low-key evening here at Idol tonight, which is odd, since this is the chicas' last chance to make the Top 12. But rather than sing for their lives in an all-out musical catfight, they're taking the mellow road. S'cool, baby.

First up is Katie "17!" Stevens, who sings "Breakaway" by Kelly Clarkson pretty much exactly like Kelly Clarkson, except maybe not quite as good, though Katie sounds fine and has a very nice voice. It's a low-energy performance, which (spoiler!) beautifully sets the tone for the rest of the show. Ellen says, nicely, "Child, you're 17, what on earth do you have to break away from?", and Katie replies that she's breaking away from her small town and that this song is actually quite meaningful for her, which makes me like Katie lots and lots and wish her well. Simon is also gracious with the child, which makes me go all shmoopy. I think they really like this girl and are feeling bad that she can't come back in a few years. There's the Allison Iraheta brand of 17, where you know exactly who you are, you own the stage and take no prisoners, and then there's the Katie Stevens brand, where the pieces are all there and you can kinda make out the pattern, but you haven't put the whole puzzle together yet. Well, we'll see.

Next is Siobhan Magnus, who, I just found out, I'm one degree of separation from; a woman in my writing group is pals with Siobhan's parents, which is totally cool. Siobhan sings "House of the Rising Sun" and I don't write a single word while she's singing, I am utterly mesmerized. Beautiful. Stunning. Dare I say . . . Lambert-esque? LOVED her performance.

Lacey Brown has adorable green fingernails and sings "The Story" in her scratchy Lacey voice while seducing the camera. (Li'l Martini was put off by her lipstick indulgences.) She's fine. If you like her, and I generally do, you'll like this performance okay, and if you don't you won't. She probably won't go home tonight, but I see her as an early boot from the Top 12.

I see that my nemesis Katelyn Epperly is up next, and I brace myself . . . but then she comes out looking relatively normal (except for the wild pink halo, but I blame the lighting guy for that) and sings a pleasant song from my youth ("I Feel the Earth Move") in a perfectly nice voice, and I have to struggle to remember why I dislike her so intensely. It's not a bad performance at all, but again — it's curiously laid-back and relaxed for a night with so much at stake. And isn't this girl in a band or something? You'd think she'd have more performance chops. I'm left stymied, but — good news! — I'm all done hating. Which, I'm sure, will be an enormous relief to Katelyn Epperly.

My girl crush Didi Benami is up next, and I learn from Ryan that I've been mispronouncing her name all this time. Unless Ryan is mispronouncing it. He says buh-NAW-mee, I say BEN-uh-mee. What do you say? Let's vote, then we'll tell Didi. Anyway, she sings Fleetwood Mac's "Rhiannon," and while I would have loved her to pick up the tempo a bit (no! not on Mellow Night!), I think she sounds great and unique and I continue to love her.

Oh, poor Paige Miles. How do you screw up "Smile"? The title alone is a pretty simple stage direction, miss! This song should not be a major downer! Okay, I will stop kicking, but I was bummed for her because she does have a nice voice. But I fear we shall not hear it on this stage again.

Crystal Bowersox bats seventh, singing Tracy Chapman's "Give Me One Reason," a song that sounds like every other Tracy Chapman song (which, bleh — not a fan), but Crystal makes me like it; her voice is so clear and true and beautiful, and she is such a poised and compelling performer. I haven't actually seen the boys sing yet, but from what I hear it seems like this contest is Crystal's to lose. But I've been wrong before! Pretty much every year, in fact.

(I paid close attention to what Crystal was wearing tonight, as it occurred to me that I couldn't recall a single outfit ever worn by Crystal – and even while staring straight at it, I couldn't tell you exactly what she was wearing. A — shirt? And — pants? A shapeless, colorless garment with arms and legs, I can tell you that. Intriguing.)

Bringing us home was gray-haired Lilly Scott, singing the Patsy Cline classic "I Fall to Pieces," and I have just one word: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Okay, I'm a liar, I have three more words: NO! NO! NO!

I'd really hoped that Kellie Pickler's "rendition" of "Walkin' After Midnight" was the worst Idol mutilation of the glorious Ms. Cline I would ever have to endure, but no. No! NO!

This, for me, was excruciating.

I don't think Lilly's going home, though. I think we're likely to say goodbye to Paige Miles, Lacey Brown, Katelyn Epperly, or Katie Stevens (likeliness of leaving in that order — I'm guessing that some Mama Bears were moved into ferocious protectiveness of little Katie, and that will keep her alive another day). Crystal B'sox is safe as houses, and I think Siobhan, Didi, and Lilly will easily join her in the Top 12. But who will fill those last two slots? Your guess is as good as mine.

Now bring on the boys! (Wow, if I had a nickel . . .)

Lady Chardonnay OUT!

All About Oscar

Lady Chardonnay regrets she's unable to blog this week.

The Oscars are my Super Bowl, my Winter Olympics, my Summer Olympics, my Finding-Out-Who-Shot-J.R. moment — the summit, the apex, the zenith of my TV watching. And every year I host a party, which requires a feverish amount of planning (games! cocktails! attire!). Plus, I try to see every major nominee, and this year, with 10 possible Best Pictures, I've been a busy girl. (Just last night: A Single Man and An Education, back to back. Whee! I told Mr. Lady Chardonnay that five minutes into the former, all I could think about was coming home and clinging to him for many hours, but then after the latter I hated all men — husbands, fathers, beaux, they all suck — and he was free to go about his business.)

So not only Idol blogging but Idol viewing have taken a back seat; I haven't watched the show since the girls performed last week. I will catch up next Tuesday, but in the meantime, sister, I've got cocktails to concoct! (I'm working on my recipes for Avatar Blues and Inglorious Bastertinis. I'm also designing my hair and make-up after Julianne Moore's in A Single Man. I'm busy!!!)

Enjoy the boys tonight. I'll see you post-Oscar!

Where the Boys Are!

Just kidding... I am going to cover both nights, but I wanted to beat Lady Char to that title. I am singing it right now, Char! And a huge thanks to you for braving the early weeks of AI.

So before I get started, I have to explain the picture. Jacob at TWoP explained Casey James as looking like the biologically improbable product of Sawyer and Dick Casablancas from VERONICA MARS. And he really does!

And now I am going to mix the genders ahead of anyone because I am too lazy to blog twice. You will notice that I am using first and last names. That is because I am refering to the AI cheat sheet.

My Favorite contestants: John Park, Tyler Grady, Siobhan Magnus and Katie Stephens. John's parents need money! Siohhan is a glass blower! Katie has an autistic grandma! I tried to sleep with boys just like Tyler all through college (until I met Mr. Crow and never ever thought of another boy again). I know, that is no reason to have favorites, but I just can't work up a head of steam for Big Mike or anyone of the curly haried girls.

My favorite performances: Didi Benami and Lee Dewyze - I don't love the whole dead best friend pimpin', but I loved her performance. And who the heck is Lee Dewyze? Does he have some backstory? Perhaps not, but he can sing for sure!

My favorite tiny little miss-steppers: Alex Lambert and Haeley Vaugn - Yes, Haley (I am sorry but just because her mom can't spell doesn't mean I have to put up with that foolishness.) your rendition of I WANT TO HOLD YOUR HAND was a train wreck, but your giant, giant mouth charms me and your voice is great and I just like you. Alex Lambert practically pooped his pants during his performance, but after he sang and talked about how awesome it was to play with the band, he just charmed the hell out of me!

The persons who heretofore annoyed the teeth off me but I am warming towards: Lilly Scott and Todrick Hall - She was so irritating singing FIXING A HOLE, but I was intrigued by the whole thing and almost had one of those "Adam Lambert singing RING OF FIRE holy crap I get it" moments that you really only get when Adam Lambert sings RING OF FIRE and you kind of love it but don't know why. And I loved that when Simon asked Todrick where he heard the funk version of SINCE YOU'VE BEEN GONE, he said, "In my head." Hello Todrick, I'm Brunie. We might just be friends!

The persons who irritate me quite a lot, but I can't deny they are talented: Crystal Bowersox and Andrew Garcia - Shut up about your stupid kids, already.

Those who I hope had a nice journey and won't be back: Tim Urban, Jermaine Sellers, Janelle Wheeler and Lacy Brown. Don't let the door hit you on the butt on the way out...

The rest of them may be back and I don't really care what happens to them.

Bitter, bitter and looking forward to finding out how this herd is culled!

Brunie, OUT!

Girls! Girls! Girls!

We're off! I see that Chosen Girl Katie Stevens has the pimp spot — blow me down. And Ellen, surprisingly, is sitting in Randy's chair. What gives? (OK, that video was pretty funny.)

Paige "Previously Invisible" Miles started us off, singing "It's All Right Now" [please note: I made up most of these song titles, so no guarantees of accuracy] and doing that seal-clap thing with her arms over her head. She's a nice girl and her voice is fine, but it all feels a little flat to me. Ooh, and then there's a scary moment where the camera pans straight down her throat. Paige is beautiful from the inside.

Simon enrages me when he opines that Paige has got the best voice of the 12. Then why didn't you showcase her more on your own show, you twit? Have you not seen your own show? Does the name Melinda Lira mean nothing to you?

(I promise you that Mrs. Cynicletary is now saying, "Who?")

Next, Ashley Rodriguez shocks us all (insert sarcasm font) by committing the cardinal sin of singing Leona Lewis and sounding like Leona Lewis — I hadn't realized that L.L. had joined the pantheon of Whitney and Mariah, but okay. L.L. means nothing to me, I don't know this song, and I thought Ashley sounded very good, with nice vocal control. Then again, I'm predisposed to like her.

I'm thrilled to hear Janell Wheeler's song choice, Heart's "What About Love" — finally! something I like! — before thinking, Wait, a toothy little blondie is going to try this? Uh-oh. And yeah, it's not great — you really can't do a low-energy version of any Heart song with any success, I fear.

Ladies! Ladies! Ditch the granny panties and step up, now!

Thank heaven for Lilly Scott, who sings a Beatles song I've never heard of and pray to never hear again ("Filling a Hole"? Did Ringo write that one?), but brings her whole funky self to the performance; she is confident and assured and sounds just great. Silver-haired Lilly, who knew?

Katelyn Epperley is up next, and I have a little Zen moment with myself, where I breathe in open-mindedness and breathe out pre-conceptions, and then she comes out in that ridiculous drag queen outfit and sings "Oh Darlin'" like someone twice her age. She is confident, though, I'll give her that, and she looks like she's having fun. Woo.

Yeah, she's just not the girl for me. But no one can say I didn't give it my all.

Haley Vaughn = hot mess. Zen or no Zen.
Just curious, though: Do the judges ever scream "You're only 17!"? I feel like "16" is the only age we ever have bellowed at us. If you're a fantastically talented 17 year old, have you peaked?

Lacey Brown is cute and fetching and brings her cool scratchy voice to "Landslide," but it never really comes alive. A disappointment, I had high hopes for Lacey tonight.

Gorgeous Michelle Delamor sings a very polished version of Alicia Keys's "Fallin'," sounding, as far as I can tell, exactly like Alicia Keys. Ellen calls it "safe," and I agree. It's hard to fault Michelle too much, though; playing it safe and playing to your strengths are not unreasonable decisions on a night with so much at stake.

Didi Benami sings "You Take Me the Way I Am" and doesn't cry once; I don't love the song, but I totally love her — her funky voice, her big smile, her quiet confidence, her beautiful mouth. Did I mention her mouth twice? I'm a little obsessed. I have a total girl crush on Didi Benami. Anyway, I love her. Did I mention that? Her singing, I mean.

Oh, man, Idol is messing me up, because here comes Siobhan Magnus, and I immediately get a crush on her too. She is so odd and interesting! But what on earth does she have on her feet? It's like two tiny Buicks or something. Anyway, she sings "I Don't Want to Fall in Love" and it sounds fantastic — she's got such beautiful control of both the high and low notes. She's my favorite so far. Ellen totally agrees with me, because we are sistahs, and Simon shares my little crush on Siobhan.

Brief diversion: Did I ever mention that Siobhan has always been my favorite girl name? Even when I was a kid (when I thought it was spelled "Shovonne" — and my best friend at the time always thought I was saying "Chiffon"). Love that name. But for some reason Mr. Lady Chardonnay didn't go for it when it was time to name Mimosa. Oh, well.

Back to our girls! girls! girls! Crystal Bowersox is up next, and I am deeply enamored of her performance. She is so calm and confident, and I think she chose the perfect song. But I do agree that soon she'll need to mix it up a bit — I'd like to see her without her guitar, doing something that isn't so singer-songwritey, just to see what her range is. But tonight she was spot on. Best of the night, I think.

Not to give anything away . . . but okay, Katie Stevens, our Chosen Girl, Miss Pimp Spot herself, picked a song and a look that were both way too old for her. Maybe it's the mom in me, but I got agitated watching this open-faced wholesome teenager prowl around the stage like a lounge singer. Her voice is fantastic, though, and I don't think she's in trouble this week.

So, who's going home? In my dream world, it's Katelyn Epperley and Haley Vaughn. However, I have a feeling that Haley's high school chums are going to step up for her big time, and show that big meanie Simon a thing or two. I will not be at all surprised if Haley lives another day. Based on tonight's performance and on lack of name recognition, Janell Wheeler and Lacey Brown could be in trouble — or even Paige Miles, because of the lack of screen time. If it's anyone other than one of these five, I will be truly shocked and might even birth the proverbial cow.

(TV Guide picked Ashley Rodriguez as one to watch; I think she has enough of a fan base that she'll survive at least another week. Well, we'll know soon enough.)

I have outings every night this week, so I'm not sure when I'll get to watch the boys and blog again — so enjoy the two posts in one day, fans and friends. But don't get used to it.

Lady C, off to watch "Lost" and revel in Tuesday TV bliss!

Avoiding the Chair

Sorry for the less-than-timely blogging, I simply have not been moved to write. Why does Idol feel so lackluster this season? Is it simply the absence of Paula? Have they never recovered from the dubious addition of Kara? I dunno.

Anyway — the kids and I watched the first five-hour episode in which they gave away seven seats to the Top 24, and after that exercise in excruciating slowness we unanimously agreed to skip the second marathon and instead watch Season 3 of "Soap." Excellent choice! That show was brilliant. We're caught up in the Jodie-Baby Wendy-evil Carol courtroom drama now, which is white-knuckle entertainment, let me tell you, and puts the saga of poor Angela Martin to shame.

(I do feel bad for poor Angela Martin, who seems like a very nice girl, but the way Idol used her is just gross. Anyway, she has Ellen pimping for a record deal now and her own Kara-penned song ["Climbing the Rainbow of My Dead Daddy/Missing Mama/Ill Infant to My Moment"], and that? Is the Pathway to Success, my friends. I wish her well.)

So we've got our Top 24, comprising many names I don't remember and some early favorites. Here are the 10 that I'm excited about:

1. Crying waitress Didi Benemi
2. Hippie Crystal Bowersox, with the gray teeth and killer voice
3. Casey James, aka Blonde Ponytail Boy — zoo-whee mama!
   
4. Chosen Girl Katie Stevens, cutie-pie whose grandma has Alzheimer's (though I'm not quite getting the judges' fawning; is she that much greater than the other girls? It's OK, though, I like her)
5. Tyler Grady, Titanium Wrist Boy
6. Ashley Rodriguez, pride of New England — great voice, great look
   
7. Janell Wheeler, pretty-pretty blondie with the surprisingly good voice
   
8. Funky girl Lacey Brown and . . .
   
9. . . . funky girl Siobhan Magnus — I love a funky girl, and these two are cool
10. Lilly Scott, with the dyed gray hair

Clearly, I'm into girls this season.

Then we have the Nonentity Nine, a bunch of people I don't know/remember: Michelle Delamor, Paige Dechausse, Lee DeWyze, Jose Munoz, Benjamin Honeycutt, John Park, Jermaine Sellers. I remember Aaron Kelly (he's 16, y'all!) but have no opinion about him. Big Mike Lynche, whatever, he's fine, but not worth blogging about.

There are three WTF? contestants: Haeley Vaughn and Katelyn Epperly, who sounded actively bad to me, and Alexander Lambert, who FORGOT THE LYRICS. I wish Simon would stick to his guns on this one. I loathe a lyric-forgetter.

Oh, and there's one guy I will christen Not Chris Golightly because I don't remember his name now — and even if I did, it wouldn't matter, because I don't remember him. Jason somebody? (I could hate him automatically because he's also Not Luke, Li'l Martini's man-love. However, my fickle boy is willing to switch his affections to Casey or Tyler, so all is well.)

And finally we have Andrew "Gokey 2.0" Garcia, whom I will try very, very hard to warm up to, as he is clearly this year's Chosen Boy, and it would be easier to make my peace with this now than to spend the season gnashing my teeth. It's not that he's a bad singer — he's fine (like Danny), competent (like Danny), a tad pleased with himself (soooooo like Danny), and, to me, utterly undeserving of the judges' absolute adoration. Oh, he'll go far, that one.

Some all-girl action tonight — you know I'll be there! Me and Katy Perry.

Lady Chardonnay OUT.

My Broken Hollywood Heart

In general, I don't have much to say — for the most part, good singers went on to sing another day, and the less good singers went home.

Except for Maddy Curtis, aka the sister of four brothers with Down syndrome, aka the 16 year old with the great big beautiful voice. Mimosa and I loved Maddy Curtis, big time, and our little hearts have gone break-break-break.

But I'm happy to see that my Titanium Wrist Boy is coming back, and that sweet girl whose grandma has Alzheimer's, and the emotional waitress, and the newly tattooed single mom, and while I found Hillbilly Girl's story excruciating, I was never a fan of her voice, so my aorta stayed intact . . . anyway. Some good singers this year. Mostly girls.

But, oh my, Mr. Blond Ponytail who plays blues guitar — where did you come from, honey? Mimosa and I perked right up when he began a-strummin'. What a pretty, pretty boy. I mean voice.

As for Andrew Garcia with the neck tattoo and the weeping daddy — I enjoyed his ballsy rendition of a Paula Abdul song and he seems like a nice fellow, but I'm just not a big fan. "He's this year's Danny Gokey," I said to Mimosa, who frowned and said, "Was he the one with the wart?" (How quickly they forget.)

Let's see, anything else? (My notes are upstairs.) Ellen was — Ellen. If you like Ellen, which I do, you enjoyed her tonight. If you're not sure what she's doing here, nothing she did tonight will shed any light on that particular question. I think she was a little nervous, maybe, and is still finding her own judging rhythm. More will be revealed . . .

One final note: Whither Li'l Martini? you may be asking. My nine year old fell in love early on with a fellow named "Luke" (whom neither Mimosa nor I can remember) and spent the entire hour with his face inches from the screen searching for his beloved. After some research (because I love knowledge, in fact I yearn for it) I believe this to be Luke Shaffer — and I also know what fate has in store for this handsome lad, according to the spoiler Web sites anyway. Should I tell my precious or let him be surprised? Does your opinion change if it's a good surprise vs. a bad one? Please weigh in, I'm stymied here — Vicki Iovine didn't cover American Idol in her Girlfriend's Guides to Parenting.

Mimosa is auditioning for a solo this week (she sings in her school choir) — keep your fingers crossed! I plan to be a fabulous stage parent (think Ethel Merman in Gypsy). Is it too soon to plan my outfit?

Ta-ta for now!

Lady Chardonnay, happy to be in Hollywood AT LAST!!!

"I wish you could taste what I taste right now!"

And that word is: love.

Oh, how I heart Neil Patrick Harris!!! And it makes me even more excited for Ellen — a smart, funny judge who can stand up to Simon. Music industry cred, shmusic industry cred, that's what I say.

Mimosa (my 12 year old) and I had to watch last night's episode on something called WiseVid — I forgot to take into account our awesome Prez's State o' the Union Address and tuned in too late. But I could not miss NPH! And I'm glad I didn't, because the pickings were sweet in Dallas, notably:

• Dockworker Lloyd, with the big Chikeze smile and a voice like Ruben's (who gave us the memorable quote above — alas, I didn't see what he was tasting at the time, but Mimosa assured me that it wasn't his golden ticket)
  
• Kimberly Carver — usually, the words "I'm going to sing an original song" are cause for a panic attack, but Kimberly's song was fine, I love her voice, and while she needs a makeover, for sure, I really really like her — she's my new besty
• Erin "Barney Kid" Rhodes — didn't love her baby voice but LOVED her whip and her sass
• Dave Pitman, young man with Tourette's who sang Sam Cooke oh so sweetly ("I think you're crazy brave," said Neil Patrick, oh so sweetly — DANG me, I love him so!)

Then Neil Patrick left, and young Joe Jonas took his place. At first we groused at this news — a double whammy! Neil Patrick gone, boo-hoo! A Jonas Brother in our face for half an hour, ughy-pew! (We are not fans. Of any Jonas.) (Well, except for Salk — he totally rocked.) But then a small miracle happened, and we grew to love Judge Joe because he was so freakin' funny. Not for anything he said or did, you understand, but for the fact that he said or did almost nothing. Half the time, the camera wasn't even on him when he voted. Even the stolid monosyllabic Mary J. Blige had more of a presence. And his total non-presence quickly threw us into hysterics.

So, lemons —> lemonade, and all was sunshine and lollipops again in the Chardonnay household.

Just in time for Todrick Hall, who sang the second original song of the evening and made us laugh. His voice is just OK, but props for a clever way with a lyric, young squire.

Other notable contestants:

• Dawntoya, who has just a nice average voice, but who sported a great necklace and the best name ever
• Meagan Wright, darling girl with a fantastic smoky voice and a possibly impaired brother — love her!
• Christian Speare, leukemia survivor, sounded a little old-fashioned to me, but a sweet girl nonetheless
  

Hmm, just a few more things:

• Fey Dexter Ward was just as cute as a gay little button, but we felt pummeled by his incessant winking; Li'l Martini ran in from the other room to see why we were shrieking, and insisted that we rewind and replay several more times
• At one point, I saw Kara vote with her boobs — trippy!
  

And finally:

• I really want to hear more from the guy who survived the blood blister — how did the Idol Inspirational Story Seekers miss this luckless fellow?
  

I think we have just one more week of this, yes? And then — we're goin' to Hollywood, baby!

Lady Dawntoya Chardonnay, OUT!

Katy Perry: Beeyatch or Brill?

The Idol blogosphere seems somewhat divided on this question, but I stand by my original statement:

When you're invited to a party, you don't crap on the host. If your bad self must be unleashed, save it for the guests.

If I were an Idol judge, I would like to believe that the other adults in the room had my back — that we were a team, united in our efforts to judge (meaning, praise and/or pan) the young contestants. I would not like having to dodge the slings and arrows of my colleagues' increasingly barbed remarks.

Particularly if I (read "Kara") have already mastered appearing ridiculous all on my own.

I'm no fan of Kara's, but this was absurdly petty and one-sided. Seriously, Katy — you couldn't find anything mockable in Randy's excessive jewelry and used-car-salesman vibe? Simon's ill-fitting wardrobe and clumsy metaphors? Only Kara's over-earnestness required your commentary?

Whatever.

Lady C, oh-so-ready to be done with these wretched auditions, and OUT!