Where the Boys Are!

Just kidding... I am going to cover both nights, but I wanted to beat Lady Char to that title. I am singing it right now, Char! And a huge thanks to you for braving the early weeks of AI.

So before I get started, I have to explain the picture. Jacob at TWoP explained Casey James as looking like the biologically improbable product of Sawyer and Dick Casablancas from VERONICA MARS. And he really does!

And now I am going to mix the genders ahead of anyone because I am too lazy to blog twice. You will notice that I am using first and last names. That is because I am refering to the AI cheat sheet.

My Favorite contestants: John Park, Tyler Grady, Siobhan Magnus and Katie Stephens. John's parents need money! Siohhan is a glass blower! Katie has an autistic grandma! I tried to sleep with boys just like Tyler all through college (until I met Mr. Crow and never ever thought of another boy again). I know, that is no reason to have favorites, but I just can't work up a head of steam for Big Mike or anyone of the curly haried girls.

My favorite performances: Didi Benami and Lee Dewyze - I don't love the whole dead best friend pimpin', but I loved her performance. And who the heck is Lee Dewyze? Does he have some backstory? Perhaps not, but he can sing for sure!

My favorite tiny little miss-steppers: Alex Lambert and Haeley Vaugn - Yes, Haley (I am sorry but just because her mom can't spell doesn't mean I have to put up with that foolishness.) your rendition of I WANT TO HOLD YOUR HAND was a train wreck, but your giant, giant mouth charms me and your voice is great and I just like you. Alex Lambert practically pooped his pants during his performance, but after he sang and talked about how awesome it was to play with the band, he just charmed the hell out of me!

The persons who heretofore annoyed the teeth off me but I am warming towards: Lilly Scott and Todrick Hall - She was so irritating singing FIXING A HOLE, but I was intrigued by the whole thing and almost had one of those "Adam Lambert singing RING OF FIRE holy crap I get it" moments that you really only get when Adam Lambert sings RING OF FIRE and you kind of love it but don't know why. And I loved that when Simon asked Todrick where he heard the funk version of SINCE YOU'VE BEEN GONE, he said, "In my head." Hello Todrick, I'm Brunie. We might just be friends!

The persons who irritate me quite a lot, but I can't deny they are talented: Crystal Bowersox and Andrew Garcia - Shut up about your stupid kids, already.

Those who I hope had a nice journey and won't be back: Tim Urban, Jermaine Sellers, Janelle Wheeler and Lacy Brown. Don't let the door hit you on the butt on the way out...

The rest of them may be back and I don't really care what happens to them.

Bitter, bitter and looking forward to finding out how this herd is culled!

Brunie, OUT!

Girls! Girls! Girls!

We're off! I see that Chosen Girl Katie Stevens has the pimp spot — blow me down. And Ellen, surprisingly, is sitting in Randy's chair. What gives? (OK, that video was pretty funny.)

Paige "Previously Invisible" Miles started us off, singing "It's All Right Now" [please note: I made up most of these song titles, so no guarantees of accuracy] and doing that seal-clap thing with her arms over her head. She's a nice girl and her voice is fine, but it all feels a little flat to me. Ooh, and then there's a scary moment where the camera pans straight down her throat. Paige is beautiful from the inside.

Simon enrages me when he opines that Paige has got the best voice of the 12. Then why didn't you showcase her more on your own show, you twit? Have you not seen your own show? Does the name Melinda Lira mean nothing to you?

(I promise you that Mrs. Cynicletary is now saying, "Who?")

Next, Ashley Rodriguez shocks us all (insert sarcasm font) by committing the cardinal sin of singing Leona Lewis and sounding like Leona Lewis — I hadn't realized that L.L. had joined the pantheon of Whitney and Mariah, but okay. L.L. means nothing to me, I don't know this song, and I thought Ashley sounded very good, with nice vocal control. Then again, I'm predisposed to like her.

I'm thrilled to hear Janell Wheeler's song choice, Heart's "What About Love" — finally! something I like! — before thinking, Wait, a toothy little blondie is going to try this? Uh-oh. And yeah, it's not great — you really can't do a low-energy version of any Heart song with any success, I fear.

Ladies! Ladies! Ditch the granny panties and step up, now!

Thank heaven for Lilly Scott, who sings a Beatles song I've never heard of and pray to never hear again ("Filling a Hole"? Did Ringo write that one?), but brings her whole funky self to the performance; she is confident and assured and sounds just great. Silver-haired Lilly, who knew?

Katelyn Epperley is up next, and I have a little Zen moment with myself, where I breathe in open-mindedness and breathe out pre-conceptions, and then she comes out in that ridiculous drag queen outfit and sings "Oh Darlin'" like someone twice her age. She is confident, though, I'll give her that, and she looks like she's having fun. Woo.

Yeah, she's just not the girl for me. But no one can say I didn't give it my all.

Haley Vaughn = hot mess. Zen or no Zen.
Just curious, though: Do the judges ever scream "You're only 17!"? I feel like "16" is the only age we ever have bellowed at us. If you're a fantastically talented 17 year old, have you peaked?

Lacey Brown is cute and fetching and brings her cool scratchy voice to "Landslide," but it never really comes alive. A disappointment, I had high hopes for Lacey tonight.

Gorgeous Michelle Delamor sings a very polished version of Alicia Keys's "Fallin'," sounding, as far as I can tell, exactly like Alicia Keys. Ellen calls it "safe," and I agree. It's hard to fault Michelle too much, though; playing it safe and playing to your strengths are not unreasonable decisions on a night with so much at stake.

Didi Benami sings "You Take Me the Way I Am" and doesn't cry once; I don't love the song, but I totally love her — her funky voice, her big smile, her quiet confidence, her beautiful mouth. Did I mention her mouth twice? I'm a little obsessed. I have a total girl crush on Didi Benami. Anyway, I love her. Did I mention that? Her singing, I mean.

Oh, man, Idol is messing me up, because here comes Siobhan Magnus, and I immediately get a crush on her too. She is so odd and interesting! But what on earth does she have on her feet? It's like two tiny Buicks or something. Anyway, she sings "I Don't Want to Fall in Love" and it sounds fantastic — she's got such beautiful control of both the high and low notes. She's my favorite so far. Ellen totally agrees with me, because we are sistahs, and Simon shares my little crush on Siobhan.

Brief diversion: Did I ever mention that Siobhan has always been my favorite girl name? Even when I was a kid (when I thought it was spelled "Shovonne" — and my best friend at the time always thought I was saying "Chiffon"). Love that name. But for some reason Mr. Lady Chardonnay didn't go for it when it was time to name Mimosa. Oh, well.

Back to our girls! girls! girls! Crystal Bowersox is up next, and I am deeply enamored of her performance. She is so calm and confident, and I think she chose the perfect song. But I do agree that soon she'll need to mix it up a bit — I'd like to see her without her guitar, doing something that isn't so singer-songwritey, just to see what her range is. But tonight she was spot on. Best of the night, I think.

Not to give anything away . . . but okay, Katie Stevens, our Chosen Girl, Miss Pimp Spot herself, picked a song and a look that were both way too old for her. Maybe it's the mom in me, but I got agitated watching this open-faced wholesome teenager prowl around the stage like a lounge singer. Her voice is fantastic, though, and I don't think she's in trouble this week.

So, who's going home? In my dream world, it's Katelyn Epperley and Haley Vaughn. However, I have a feeling that Haley's high school chums are going to step up for her big time, and show that big meanie Simon a thing or two. I will not be at all surprised if Haley lives another day. Based on tonight's performance and on lack of name recognition, Janell Wheeler and Lacey Brown could be in trouble — or even Paige Miles, because of the lack of screen time. If it's anyone other than one of these five, I will be truly shocked and might even birth the proverbial cow.

(TV Guide picked Ashley Rodriguez as one to watch; I think she has enough of a fan base that she'll survive at least another week. Well, we'll know soon enough.)

I have outings every night this week, so I'm not sure when I'll get to watch the boys and blog again — so enjoy the two posts in one day, fans and friends. But don't get used to it.

Lady C, off to watch "Lost" and revel in Tuesday TV bliss!

Avoiding the Chair

Sorry for the less-than-timely blogging, I simply have not been moved to write. Why does Idol feel so lackluster this season? Is it simply the absence of Paula? Have they never recovered from the dubious addition of Kara? I dunno.

Anyway — the kids and I watched the first five-hour episode in which they gave away seven seats to the Top 24, and after that exercise in excruciating slowness we unanimously agreed to skip the second marathon and instead watch Season 3 of "Soap." Excellent choice! That show was brilliant. We're caught up in the Jodie-Baby Wendy-evil Carol courtroom drama now, which is white-knuckle entertainment, let me tell you, and puts the saga of poor Angela Martin to shame.

(I do feel bad for poor Angela Martin, who seems like a very nice girl, but the way Idol used her is just gross. Anyway, she has Ellen pimping for a record deal now and her own Kara-penned song ["Climbing the Rainbow of My Dead Daddy/Missing Mama/Ill Infant to My Moment"], and that? Is the Pathway to Success, my friends. I wish her well.)

So we've got our Top 24, comprising many names I don't remember and some early favorites. Here are the 10 that I'm excited about:

1. Crying waitress Didi Benemi
2. Hippie Crystal Bowersox, with the gray teeth and killer voice
3. Casey James, aka Blonde Ponytail Boy — zoo-whee mama!
   
4. Chosen Girl Katie Stevens, cutie-pie whose grandma has Alzheimer's (though I'm not quite getting the judges' fawning; is she that much greater than the other girls? It's OK, though, I like her)
5. Tyler Grady, Titanium Wrist Boy
6. Ashley Rodriguez, pride of New England — great voice, great look
   
7. Janell Wheeler, pretty-pretty blondie with the surprisingly good voice
   
8. Funky girl Lacey Brown and . . .
   
9. . . . funky girl Siobhan Magnus — I love a funky girl, and these two are cool
10. Lilly Scott, with the dyed gray hair

Clearly, I'm into girls this season.

Then we have the Nonentity Nine, a bunch of people I don't know/remember: Michelle Delamor, Paige Dechausse, Lee DeWyze, Jose Munoz, Benjamin Honeycutt, John Park, Jermaine Sellers. I remember Aaron Kelly (he's 16, y'all!) but have no opinion about him. Big Mike Lynche, whatever, he's fine, but not worth blogging about.

There are three WTF? contestants: Haeley Vaughn and Katelyn Epperly, who sounded actively bad to me, and Alexander Lambert, who FORGOT THE LYRICS. I wish Simon would stick to his guns on this one. I loathe a lyric-forgetter.

Oh, and there's one guy I will christen Not Chris Golightly because I don't remember his name now — and even if I did, it wouldn't matter, because I don't remember him. Jason somebody? (I could hate him automatically because he's also Not Luke, Li'l Martini's man-love. However, my fickle boy is willing to switch his affections to Casey or Tyler, so all is well.)

And finally we have Andrew "Gokey 2.0" Garcia, whom I will try very, very hard to warm up to, as he is clearly this year's Chosen Boy, and it would be easier to make my peace with this now than to spend the season gnashing my teeth. It's not that he's a bad singer — he's fine (like Danny), competent (like Danny), a tad pleased with himself (soooooo like Danny), and, to me, utterly undeserving of the judges' absolute adoration. Oh, he'll go far, that one.

Some all-girl action tonight — you know I'll be there! Me and Katy Perry.

Lady Chardonnay OUT.

My Broken Hollywood Heart

In general, I don't have much to say — for the most part, good singers went on to sing another day, and the less good singers went home.

Except for Maddy Curtis, aka the sister of four brothers with Down syndrome, aka the 16 year old with the great big beautiful voice. Mimosa and I loved Maddy Curtis, big time, and our little hearts have gone break-break-break.

But I'm happy to see that my Titanium Wrist Boy is coming back, and that sweet girl whose grandma has Alzheimer's, and the emotional waitress, and the newly tattooed single mom, and while I found Hillbilly Girl's story excruciating, I was never a fan of her voice, so my aorta stayed intact . . . anyway. Some good singers this year. Mostly girls.

But, oh my, Mr. Blond Ponytail who plays blues guitar — where did you come from, honey? Mimosa and I perked right up when he began a-strummin'. What a pretty, pretty boy. I mean voice.

As for Andrew Garcia with the neck tattoo and the weeping daddy — I enjoyed his ballsy rendition of a Paula Abdul song and he seems like a nice fellow, but I'm just not a big fan. "He's this year's Danny Gokey," I said to Mimosa, who frowned and said, "Was he the one with the wart?" (How quickly they forget.)

Let's see, anything else? (My notes are upstairs.) Ellen was — Ellen. If you like Ellen, which I do, you enjoyed her tonight. If you're not sure what she's doing here, nothing she did tonight will shed any light on that particular question. I think she was a little nervous, maybe, and is still finding her own judging rhythm. More will be revealed . . .

One final note: Whither Li'l Martini? you may be asking. My nine year old fell in love early on with a fellow named "Luke" (whom neither Mimosa nor I can remember) and spent the entire hour with his face inches from the screen searching for his beloved. After some research (because I love knowledge, in fact I yearn for it) I believe this to be Luke Shaffer — and I also know what fate has in store for this handsome lad, according to the spoiler Web sites anyway. Should I tell my precious or let him be surprised? Does your opinion change if it's a good surprise vs. a bad one? Please weigh in, I'm stymied here — Vicki Iovine didn't cover American Idol in her Girlfriend's Guides to Parenting.

Mimosa is auditioning for a solo this week (she sings in her school choir) — keep your fingers crossed! I plan to be a fabulous stage parent (think Ethel Merman in Gypsy). Is it too soon to plan my outfit?

Ta-ta for now!

Lady Chardonnay, happy to be in Hollywood AT LAST!!!