Oh Sweet Betsy...

..could it really be Norman Gentile?
You know, it was dull as dirt last night and after the secret child of Liza Minelli and Peter Allen and red-haired, personality-free belter - he just might be the next vote getter.

I would both love it and hate it.

In a nutshell, I am not going to even deign to write about last night other than to say YAWN. Once again, the ones I had liked dropped the ball and I don't like the ones IDOL is pimping. But I am surprisingly excited about tonight's results because we may actually see Simon poop in his pants if Norm sticks around. (Sorry, Char...)

Brunie and her baited breath

Idol is idle tonight

Because our dreamy, smart, cool President is speaking tonight, Idol will air on Wednesday and Thursday this week.
Love & kisses,
Mrs Not-Cynicletary about our President

Rainy Days and Thursdays

(They always get me down.)

A short list of people and entities who let me down:

• TV Guide, which told me that Idol would be on at 9 p.m. Which it WAS NOT. So I missed last night's episode entirely, tuning in only to see Danny sing and Tatiana look psychotic. Which could have been any night.
• The guy who recaps Idol for Television Without Pity, whose writing I cannot abide. After five pages of his self-indulgent blathering, I STILL couldn't tell who the finalists were. Which led me to (oh! the horror):
• Freakin' Fox's freakin' Web site , which normally I would shun at all costs — it at least announced the three finalists but didn't tell me what I really wanted to know: Who was the top vote-getter overall? I'm assuming Danny, but it's not at all clear. And I'm not spending any more time tooling around that particular Hellmouth.
  

And finally:

• America.

Well, Americans (and others) who vote for Idol, anyway. Michael Sarver? Really? I'm at a loss.

Whatever.

Lady Chardonnay, diligent and timely blogger, OUT.

There's Got to Be a Morning After

So, I watched my tape of last night's show. I'm all caught up now.

Yup. Seen it all.

Every. Interminable. Minute.

Yeah.

How many ways are there to say, Damn, that was boring? And that the parts that weren't boring were actively painful, for a variety of reasons?

All except Danny, who was very good and lots of fun and nice to look at. None of which makes him the Second Coming, I hasten to add, but having been preceded by the Evening of Ennui, I forgive Paula and the Gang for their mass tizzy.

The outright bad: Casey Carlson, who danced like a chicken, sang poorly, and I don't care about her anyway. Though it did crack me up when Kara said, "NOBODY goes NEAR those [The Police's] songs!" Since when? Brooke White did a stellar version of "Every Breath You Take" last year. But I don't care about Casey, so I'm not fightin' the good fight today. Bye, Casey.

People I like okay performed okay:

• Jackie Tohn, whose voice I loathe but who is undeniably talented—sounded fine
  
• Alexis "Kitten with a Whip" Grace, pink-haired girl—sounded fine
  
• Brent Keith, country boy, dimpled cutely and sounded fine, though Kara's comment, "This song doesn't range enough," was right on (Li'l Martini loves this guy, commenting, "Ex-cell-ent. And handsome!")
  
• Anoop Desai emoted boringly and sounded fine, though he is still very likable (why is that? what is it about Anoop?)
  
• Michael Sarver, who is NOT Brent Keith (an easy mistake) sounded okay singing a song I HATED, and I almost fell out of my chair when Paula said that my beloveds Bo and Elliot sang it as well. Guess I blocked that out. Or maybe I had a drink that night—it's possible.

In fact, given the over-enthusiasm the judges displayed for the first three singers, I desperately wished I had some of what they were drinking! But while I don't mind teaching my kids that a nice drink enhances one's viewing pleasure, I don't want them thinking it's essential. Even if it is, in this case.

[I'm working on the cocktail selection for my upcoming Oscar party, which involves much testing and sampling. I'm currently enjoying an Elizabeth Taylor, a violet-blue number that's said to be the color of the lady's eyes. And a nifty little drink it is as well! A definite contender. I'll keep you posted.]

Halfway through my viewing (mind you, with LOTS of fast-forwarding— who on earth wants to hear what the parents think?) I lost Mimosa, who said, "It really isn't that exciting. I'm totally bored!" Sister-girl needs a blog!

Minor surprise: Invisible Man Rikky Braddy sounds very nice singing a song about singing a song, and I would be very happy at the bar where he's singing. Too bad he doesn't have a chance (see: Invisibility). Though I did like his parents' "Braddy Bunch" T-shirts.

Major disappointments: Cutie-pie Stephen Fowler. Sweet Ann Marie Boskovich. And most of all, adorable Stevie Wright. I like them all so very much, and yet none of them did really well. Such a shame.

Gee, hmm, have I left anyone out? Anyone? Anyone?

Anyone?

Damn, this is the biggest pain I felt all night, even greater than the agony of Stevie's failure to bring it. How desperately I wanted Tatiana to fail! How excited I became when I heard she'd chosen Whitney! Whitney! The Holy Grail of singers (according to Idol)!

But she didn't fail. She simply didn't. Her singing was very good, in fact. Her speaking, in contrast, was as screamingly annoying as ever (but when I imitated her on the phone to Brunie, it was once again fantastic fun and I highly recommend it as therapy).

If this is a singing show, Tatiana should go through.

Since it's almost never been a show totally about singing (Melinda who?), I'm trusting in the fans to Do the Right Thing and send the crazy home. Enough, already!

Predictions:

• Danny, natch
  
• Brent Keith, who gets the country fan vote
  
• Either Anoop (who is well-liked) or Alexis (who probably deserves it)

And we'll see #4 person above, Jackie, maybe Rikky, and (I'm sorry, but I truly believe this) freakin' Tatiana on the wild card round.

Prove me wrong, America! Please! Please! You have my dream in your hands this is all I've ever wanted oh please oh please vote please vote!

(Dang me, it's fun to be crazy! Try it!)

Lady Chardonnay OUT!

Danny alone

I am pissed that Danny's friend Jamar got the boot and several of these no-talents, mostly girls with long brown hair whose names I can't be bothered to learn, got a place instead. Danny is the only one worthy of a swoon or memorizing of his name so far.
I hope they have a psychiatrist standing by for that crazy girl who is clearly bi-polar. She's a screeching maniac one minute and a creepy low key manipulator the next. She has a look in her eyes that says, any minute now I could pull out the butcher knife hidden under my big-skirt and kill as many audince members as I can reach. Stab yourself first you nut case!
Love & Kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

A Day in Hollywood

(A night of yelling at the TV, "Are you kidding me?")

Gentle Readers, I apologize for my tardy blogging. It's just been one of those weeks. But before I move on to the present day, I want to finish up with Hollywood—my opinions, they are legion. Go back in time with me, won't you?

Quick thoughts on Hollywood, Day 3:

• Blind Scott looks better behind a piano, much less Stephen Tobolowsky-ish, and I like him a lot. He should always carry a piano.
• Adam Lambert deconstructs a Cher song and sounds great (and even TV Guide is noting his resemblance to David Cook, which I pointed out ages ago. I should SO be a TV Guide writer!)
• How can Miss Teenage Teen Queen possibly still be there?
  
• New find (to me): Ju'not Joyner, who croons "Hey There Delilah" in a nice scratchy voice. Like!
• Leneshe, our "thuggish ways" girl, sounds ordinary and gets cut. On reflection, I think wearing a big hat was a mistake—we needed to see more of her sunshine smile and happy face.
• I am DONE with Norman Gentle, and I would thoroughly enjoy giving Tatiana a swat.

On to the final cuts! Or, as Ryan says, "It's the final judgment." Well, that's a little Book of Revelations for me, Ry, but potato, potahto.

Another Ryan quote has me laughing uncontrollably: "This year, we've changed everything." And what is Ryan referring to here? The HOUSE in which our contestants receive their Final Judgment. Like they care. Oh, Ryan.

(I guess a Top 36 is something new—I'm trying to figure out how it can work mathematically. If only there were some way to find out!)

So our contestants make their way up a staircase (instead of an elevator! Idol has changed everything!) and we receive the judges' (crazy-ass) verdicts. Which mostly I agree with, at first anyway:

• Anoop ("Like him!" I said. Mimosa adds, "SO much!")
• Von Smith, who emotes, "This is why I'm alive!" (To pummel me with song?)
• A bunch of less interesting people: Alex Hyphenate, cute Arianna, Casey, Megan with the tattooed arm, tall Taylor
• Adam Lambert, yay!
  
• Jasmine Nasal, less yay

Then:

• Lyric Forgetter Joanna? A lyric-forgetting repeat offender? Simon, you threaten with forked tongue

Ryan again: "It's Day 4 of a long, grueling Hell Week." Which, by his own math, has been three days. Long, indeed.

At this point something significant occurred, which at the time I didn't even realize: The kids and I watched only the first half of The Chair of Judgment and taped the rest to watch later. The next day, reading Brunie's post about who survived the final cuts, I writhed in horror. Norman Sprinkles? Crying Boy? Freakin' Tatiana? Should I prepare my kids or let them learn in "real" time?

I decided to at least warn Mimosa, who is a sensitive soul. But I didn't just tell her the names, I acted out each person.

And that's when we learned the thing of significance.

Acting like Tatiana? Is FUN.

Acting like Crying Boy and Norman Comfort is also fun. But acting like Tatiana is really really fun. Mimosa did it, then we did it for Li'l Martini, then he did it too.

So I have a soupçon more compassion for the horror that is these three, because they may not be as impaired as I'd believed. They may simply be having a good time with their own crazy selves, and that is somehow more palatable.

The rest of the Top 36 (the ones we saw, anyway) seem fine, particularly Stevie Wright (we love her!), Scott "Piano Man" MacIntyre, and Lil Rounds.

Hated the sing-offs, which were clearly just a gimmick (as evidenced by the Sing-Off of the Burly Men—if choosing both singers is an option, the whole thing becomes a farce). Simon was especially assy during the Pretty Jen/Funky Kristen death match, where Funky Kristen clearly outsang her opponent, yet Simon insisted on framing it as (1) Pretty Girl vs. Not Pretty Girl, and (2) Jealous Female Judges Who Can't See Past Pretty Jen's Pretty Face. This is nonsensical for two reasons:

1. Kristen is merely a bath, a good haircut, and a foundation garment away from being a Pretty Girl.
2. Watch your own show, insufferable git! You're allowed to pick both of them!

Whatever.

I wasn't home last night (sorry to miss your call, Miss Bru!), so I'll watch last night's show this afternoon and try to resist reading Brunie's post before then. (Oh, who am I kidding?) After that my goal is Timely Blogging, by jingo! Because, honestly, I take really crappy notes. (For example, I wrote this about Jamar, Dead-Wife-Danny's BFF: gotta lowse hart, croats Delilah, I'm nut fun thire is rot qood, even as Paula seys "nitre." Got that? Yeah, me either.)

Speaking of BFFs, I'm blowing a kiss to my own, Lady Darcy, who told me that "Pantone picked 'mimosa' as year's top color"! Color me so proud.

Lady Chardonnay OUT!

Not Unlike a Middle School Dance...

Remember your first dance in middle school? I desperately looked forward to mine and talked about it in the cafeteria at lunch every day for weeks with Chari Topol and Laura Greenburg. It was going to be the single greatest night of our lives! And in reality, the dance was pretty much just sitting and talking with Chari and Laura in the cafeteria at lunch, except we didn't have sandwiches, there was music and it was dark. And disappointing.

Maybe I wasn't looking forward to tonight's Idol as much as I looked forward to the dance, but it was the same kind of anti-climactic evening of boredom.

Yes, the show was kind of dull. There were a few good performances, but for the most part, I am looking forward to next week and the week after - ever the optimist!

And now - my opinions!

Jackie – irritating as a human… Wearing Sandy’s pants from Grease, Wilma Flinstones top and Arthur’s moon boots. Singing horribly - LITTLE LESS CONVERSATION. So glad that she has not a chance in hell. The judges inexplicably liked her. And to her credit, she did interact well with the judges. But frankly, but the time she was done with her parents she had kind of charmed me.

Ricky – kind of cute – tight jeans and a velvet coat and very unfortunate hair. His voice is nice, but this song bores the crap out of me – Leon Russel SONG FOR YOU maybe? No, his voice is wonderful. But I am reserving judgment until I see everyone else. I like having the parents in the room for their responses. Not Ricky’s, but the idea is cute.

I love I NEVER LOVED A MAN. Alexis sang well and looked great. I was not blown away at first, but she really brought it by the end. She does have something. Her dad looks like a hobbit.

Brent is from Blandchester! Where they make bland! He looks like a NASCAR driver! He works in a home goods store! He seems like a nice boy. And he has no charisma whatsoever. And his song stinks. So much so that I can’t even name it. (Okay, fine – it is IN A HICK TOWN. Bye, Brent. His wife looks about my age. Yikes…

Stevie! Dang, she was so nervous. She did not sound good. I like the song though – YOU BELONG WITH ME. Her voice sounded thin and young and not in a good way. Too bad, because I really liked her.

Awesome quote of the night - Simon – “America votes, but they listen to me.” HA!!

ANGEL OF MINE – what fresh hell is this? Anoop, you are supposed to be dancing around the stage and making me laugh when I think that you study barbeque. He has a nice voice, but this was dull as dishwater. Joe Mama (Wilbur’s AI viewing buddy) was horrified by his eyebrows. They are magnificent. And Simon has a point. I can’t stop smiling at him when the camera hits him.

And here is the point where my TiVo caught up with real time. I am going to go get some ice-cream and call Lady C!

Wow, Casey makes little slutty faces! She looks great (other than her unfortunate shoes) and her voice is fine. But wow, I dislike her more than anyone else so far. Even Brent and I can’t stand him at all. Her dad looks like Ryan Styles, though. But I don’t think that will help her.

Michael Sarver sings a song that I loathe – I DON’T WANNA BE. He has some cute little dance moves and his voice sounds good by the end. And more than anyone since Jackie he looks like he is having a good old time. And I love to see him sit next to Ryan because he makes him look like a tiny little doll!

Ann Marie said she was going to put her own spin on (YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A) NATURAL WOMAN but it sounded pretty much like it always does. She sounded good and she looked fantastic. But I don’t know if it was enough.

Steven wants to ROCK WITH me! I loved him, but the judges did not. I might just think that he is adorable, though.

Tatiana makes me want to chew glass. I know that Vote For the Worst is gunning for her to make it. The girl can really sing which makes me feel better about why the show kept her for so long. But that doesn’t discount the fact that she is unbelievably nuts. I liked her better tonight than I have before and I wanted to slap Kara when she said everyone wanted the crazy back. The hell we do!

Danny is in the pimp spot because he is our boy, dammit! And if he doesn’t get voted in than the show is going to sue America. And just to be on the safe side, he is singing HERO. (A girl song! But a pretty ambi-sexual one…) He does make it sound good by the end. But he needs to comb his hair. Kara and Paula both had um, episodes, when he finished. He then gathered some loaves and fishes and distributed them to the crowd. I agreed with Simon, they shouldn't canonize him for that performance.

So my prediction is Danny and Alexis or Jackie as the top boy and girl. Anoop or Michael will be the third. Unless Tatiana VFTWs her way in.

Two hours of my life I will never get back. I can’t wait for the results show, thought!

Brunie – OUT!

How Many Are Left?

And what proportion of them completely suck? Well, I guess I would go with one twelfth. Because, seriously, Norman Gentle? I have a huge tolerance for silly, stupid humor and I am not feeling him at all. And Tatiana, yes, she can sing, but she is 47 different varieties of crazy and watching her makes me want to hurt TiVo. Don't make me hurt TiVo!!! And finally, Nathaniel. I am glad they pimped up his prison-mom because that makes me feel like he is not just garden-variety teen-goth entitled. At least I know he has had some real issues that make him completely unprepared to live in the world as we know it. I am sure that being on a show where he will be judged by millions and found alarmingly wanting is just what his fragile ego needs. What, it's NOT opposit day? Crap...

Other than that, I liked how the show played out. Danny's best friend got the boot, not with Danny actually sitting beside him. Nice restraint, AI. Lots of beefy faced men and scrawny women got through. I was sad that Frankie didn't because the girl who sang-off with her frightened me! Alas, poor competetive Frankie. A couple of the single mom's got through. Thank you patient southern grandmas for the next few months of free childcare.

Stevie! She got through. I like her. And the Fozzie-bear haired guy who played keyboards and walked off stage. I like him too.

I don't know who the girl is that kept forgetting the words but that was brilliant to let her through. "You can't forget the words or you are out! Unless we like you and think we can market you and don't really care if you are dumb as a stump." Thus spake Simon. And what is with calling the big mouthed blond girl ugly? Simon practically said pretty is more important than talent. Sometimes I just don't know what to do with that man, other than feel morally superior. And then I remember I am watching American Idol.

I am not sure how it is going to play out in the next few weeks, but I am thrilled that they are going to start singing songs, which means that Lady Char, and Mrs. Cyn are going to be chewing bubblegum and kicking ass. And I hear they are all out of bubblegum!

Brunie - OUT!

A Rose is a Rose...

Riddle me this, why am I not at all sad to see Rose go when IDOL clearly wants me to be? And why do I kind of love Danny the widower who is clearly manipulating me with his cute little widower-ness and adorable best friend? I have this idea that his wife was kind of awesome and when she was dying she was probably like, "Honey, you are going to milk this dead wife angle for all you can - Idol loves that crap!"

I loved Hollywood week! Wilbur was saying last night, "It's so awesome this year - there's so much DRAMA!" Yes, indeed son. Welcome to American Idol...

I feel bad for the girl in the Divas in the canary colored dress because not only was she called out to be the stool pidgeon, but she also got cut when her singing was perfectly lovely! And Three Shrews and a Psycho all got through? Puh-leeze! That girl whose name has been blocked from my brain because she hurts me is INSANE! "You don't know what I have gone through to be bere!" You stood in line! Like everyone else... Oh - she is a piece of work.

And finally, the drama 3 at the end were weird! That crying boy is never going to make it into the top 36 because his nickname is THE CRYING BOY! He's not even the pierced crying boy. Just crying, now. The dumb blond might be funny. When she misunderstood Simon asking if they were going to be going out to dinner that night her response was downright Pickler-esque! I felt bad for the mean read-head. All she wanted to do was practice. And they made her the bad guy. But it appears that her people skills might have needed some work.

Can't wait for next week!

Brunie-OUT!

"It's Our Biggest Season Yet"

(Quoth R. Seacrest, February 2009, and what can he possibly mean?)

I love the group sings. LOVE them. And I'm not sure that a great argument can be made that they have anything to do with the rest of the competition (though High Lord Dave makes a good case), but I missed them desperately last year and loved the heck out 'em last night.

And the drama is predictably dramatic and delightful, but I would also like to see more of the groups who do well—what's their secret? How did they find one another, choose their song, work it out? For me, seeing a job done well under trying circumstances is also very entertaining, and it makes the final product, a polished performance, mean that much more.

I'd also like to see the round where good, solid performers (Son of Alan, say, or Deaf Grandma Girl) get cut, because otherwise it's too random and unsatisfying. Did they really screw up, or was it just one of those things?

We saw SO MUCH of some groups (I was over the Nathaniel-Kristen-Pink Hair drama after five minutes, and has there been a more annoying contestant than Giggling Self-Important Tatiana in recent memory? And aren't Bikini Girl's 15 minutes up yet?) and almost nothing of groups I was really curious about. Like: Why did a pro like Tattooed Rocking Emily screw up so bad? She sings with a band! She knows how to perform! Why did she make a last-minute song switch on Day 1, and drop her lyrics so badly on Day 2? What was going on there? (And again, I love her mom to death. Emily's going to be fine, but I still feel bad for her.) And I kept catching glimpses of Ann Marie, aka You Need More Make-Up Girl, and it looked like she got through, but did we see her perform? Did she bring the star quality Simon et al. were looking for? I really want to know.

Some earlier favorites were less charming on second viewing. Homeless Rose—such a whiner! (Mimosa: "Do you think Rose is really negative?") Lil Rounds continues to wow the judges, but I thought her song choice ("I-E-I-E-I Will Always Love You" ) was boneheaded, and she sounded nowhere near as great as I remembered. I still like her—but the pedestal, it is chipped.

Here was a nice surprise: the melting voice of Stephen Fowler! Where did he come from? Have we seen him before?

I continue to loathe Von Smith, the screaming dwarf. What do the judges see in him?

All in all, they've made some changes this year that I heartily approve of (more Hollywood, fewer auditions, less time spent on freaks); now if they'll just stop showing us clips of things we saw less than five minutes ago (do they really think that new viewers are tuning in every few minutes? Or do they honestly believe we are just that moronic?), I'll be a happy Lady.

The Idol moment that made me gasp out loud followed the splendid four-way of Dead Wife Danny, BFF Jamar, and two unnamed girls:

Simon: "Danny, please step forward."

[long stricken pause]

Simon: "Danny, you have made it to the next round."

[longer pause, visibly dripping with angst]

Simon: "And the other three, you're going with him."

Oh! the drama.

Lady Chardonnay OUT!