Who Wants to Be a Superhero?

Not me, that's for sure. But my children have drawn me into this craptastic show where the only way to win is by taking yourself very very seriously. There is one guy called Feedback who I think will win. He LOVES being a superhero. You know that he spent all his high school years making model airplanes. And Fat Mama is going to rid the world of bullies by, in theory, throwing donuts of justice at them. I really want to love Fat Mama, but I don't know - she seems kind of humorless. But I think humor is not highly prized. There is one guy who seems normal-ish. His name is Major Victory. And I like to imagine him rescuing me. He has a nice chin.

Dont' get me wrong - this show bites HARD. But it seems to beg to be written about. We will see if I make it through the whole show.

I have to wait to see if there is a pithy ending before I sign off.

Until next time...

Brunie

The Joy of the Dance Show!

Idol is over, and now a show I might like even better is on - So you think you can dance, AKA The Dance Show!! I love this show! It is on Fox on Wednesdays with voting results on Thursdays. Check it out!

Love & kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

It started like...and then...

When last night's two hour extravaganza began, and the first few numbers were sung, I was thinking, is this a Mormon compound or something? All the young girls were paired with really old guys, and the young guys were in a separate group with each other. Paris was OK with the 100 year old Al Jarreau, but then I feared for Kat's safety when she sang with the very scary looking Meatloaf. Don't get too close Kat - he'll eat you! Or sweat on you! Don't know what's worse! Burt Bacharach wrote a lot of songs, some of them good, but again, what's with the 100 year old guys. (And the 500 year old Dionne Warwick - love her but she cannot hit the high notes anymore.) Were they trying to make Taylor seem younger?

I cannot explain Toni Braxton. She seemed to be on Paula meds. And though she looked great, she really could have changed out of her pajamas for the show. And how scared of her was Taylor?? Maybe Taylor is gay because when she tried to snuggle up against him he ran the other way. And she didn't sing anything audible. That "duo" was really weird.

Then came the ghastly High School musical numbers with all the kids and their lame choreography. Chris just should not sing any Fleetwood Mac songs - it is painful. But his song with LIVE was excellent. He's a better lead singer than the one they have! God, I miss him. It was very nice to see all the kids singing, even though, as I say, it looked like a High School musical a lot of the time.

So, the end of the show neared and I was like, well that was kind of fun and kind of really strange, and then...AND THEN...IT BECAME THE GREATEST AMERICAN IDOL SHOW IN ALL OF HISTORY!!!!! PRINCE?! PRINCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE PRINCE! Oh my god. He is the coolest, baddest, motherfucker ever. Every other performer looks like a rank amateur with no stage presence, talent or charisma compared to him. Nothing compares to you, you might say, like the lyrics of the song he wrote which was popularized by Sinead O'Connor. And although he is pushing 50 he looks EXACTLY THE SAME as he did 30 years ago. Man, he is the greatest and I sat there glued to my TV with my mouth hanging open. I told my husband that if I ever get in a room alone with Prince I am temporarily single. Delicious! Delirious! Prince is my Idol.

Oh, and Taylor won the show.

Can't I Vote for Chris Anyway?

Underwhelmed. Unexcited. Ready to be done with it all.

So Simon called it for Taylor (as I've been doing), and that's the only thing that makes me think Kat has a shot, given Simon's amazing record of prediction failure, pretty much all season (though don't be asking me for examples—who has that kind of time?).

First songs: Katharine sang that stupid song about a stupid mammal of a stupid color in a stupid fruit tree. Of ALL the songs she sang so beautifully this season—seriously, THAT one? You go back to THAT one? I am at a loss. Then Taylor sings something recognizable (we ask so little, we the Idol audience), and with that alone, the first round was his in a walk. (In fairness, he sang the recongizable song quite nicely, with a minimum of spazzing.)

Second round: Katharine in full voice did another kick-ass rendition of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow," every bit as lovely and glorious as the first time, and again I say: Just hand her the crown right now. We won't be topping that any time soon. And then Taylor sang Elton John's "Levon," and I wouldn't have wanted to follow Katharine either, but "Levon" was simply a silly choice. He should've sung "Try a Little Tenderness" again—that was his only shot at topping Kat in Round 2.

And then our grand finale, when the Idolettes have to sing the treacly bit of twee they're contractually bound to, and here's where I roused myself into an actual fury, because if they're forced to sing a crappy song, it should be the SAME crappy song, which is only fair. Because how could you write two different songs with the EXACT SAME MEASURE of crapitude? With two different songs, one singer will have an advantage—AS WE SAW.

Katharine's song blew and she didn't sing it great. And she went first. Taylor not only had the advantage of going second (though this is not the source of my fury, I hasten to add) but got to sing a better song. Even though it also blew, and he didn't sing it great. But it blew WITH A JAZZY BEAT, and again, we ask so little, we the Idol audience, but we do like a totally lame dance song better than a totally lame ballady song, because at least we can wriggle mindlessly in our seats during the former, which is two rungs up on the joy ladder from picking our cuticles during the latter. I was PISSED.

So Taylor will probably win. I tried voting for Kat but could never get through (though I didn't knock myself out, I'm forced to admit), but my understanding is that it all comes down to text-messaging anyway, given how quickly the phone lines become a hopeless snarl. And I love my Idol with a burning passion, I do, but I'm not paying jack for it, and that's all there is to it.

Tonight: the 12 Idolettes on stage together again at last! It will be fun to see Chris and Mandisa—and then I'm ready to put the season to bed. Or put Chris to bed. Or something like that . . .

Lady Chardonnay OUT.

Next week the four horsemen of the apocolypse are coming by to watch the finale.

And why is that? Because I actually enjoyed Taylor the most this week!

My least favorite was Kat. Pretty, pretty Kat. (And I am a mere one degree of seperation from her. One of the women in my new teachers' group went to Boston Conservatory with her and says she is "quite nice".) But I was mildly surprised by how little I hated "I Believe I Can Fly", bored by the obvious Fantasia rip-off that was "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" which I know was beautiful but still bored me, and who knew what that last train wreck was? So - no love for Kat.

Elliot was fine. "Open Arms" was pretty good - if sharp. "What You Won't Do" was fine, too. But, um, sharp. And he wasn't sharp on the "I Always Wondered Why You Were Sleeping With Me Anyway" song.

But I liked all three of Taylor's performances. And I can't stand Taylor! But "Dancing in the Dark" was fine and it was cute when he danced with Paula. And "You Are So Beautiful" sounded great. Although he looked creepy as hell. Like he was terrified of the mic stand or the audience or of his own vulnerability. If his vulnerability had fangs claws and a big sign that said, "I am going to kill you Taylor." And I loved "Try a Little Tenderness". I knew he could sell it and he did. He even pre-paid some love because I didn't want to hurt him when he went all nutty at the end. I just smiled and said, "Oh that Taylor!" Of course I told him to shut the fork up when he shouted out to the Soul Patrol ALL BLOODY NIGHT LONG! Had Frank not been in the room, I wouldn't have even mentioned cutlery.

And so Elliot is gone. Good luck - or as I said in my pithiest bon mot of the day:
Scurry back to your iron lung, little hobbit!

Brunie, OUT!

Still cranky after all these songs

Without Chris, Idol kinda blows. I mean, I like Elliot a lot and he did well with each song, getting better with each one really, and I thought he did extremely well with his last number. While he has tremendous control and soul, he does not have major volume and power necessary for (awful) songs like Open Arms. You really have to belt that one, and I'm not sure Elliot can belt. Although with the GIGANTICALLY LOUD arrangements who could tell. Maybe no one can sound loud over the horribly overwraught arrangements we've been hearing lately.

Kat - first song - too much, too much - just chill it, Kat. Song two - amazing, fantastic, moving. She really has a beautiful voice with a huge range. As she was singing Rainbow, I was wondering if she was removing vocal runs as she sang, trying to "keep to the melody" as Randy rightly suggested. Song three was cute and OK, but a weird choice. She should have sung another ballad.

Taylor -song one - karaoke. The most interesting thing about that song is the idea of Clive Barker calling Bruce Springsteen to get permission to use it. "Hello, Clive Barker calling for Mr. Springsteen." I wonder what Bruce thought he was calling about. What is the text of that call? Where are the NSA wire tappers when you need them? Song two - pretty good, although I hate it when he does that fake Joe Cocker voice breaking up thing. Last song - really good. As much as I think Taylor deserved to go home sooner, he really did a great job with that. Except for the stupid ending. And I repeat my criticism of his lack of camera skills. It's like the camera is a girl he cheated on and lied to and he can't look her in the eye.

It is clear that Clive wants Taylor to win, as he gave Elliot and Kat crappy songs to sing. Randy was a big cranky poop who didn't like anything. He said Elliot was sharp on one song - no way, Dog. Paula was useless as usual. I am so tired of the Simon/Ryan crap. Just shut up, Ryan. Just ignore him, Simon.

Based on America's sex-crazed/scared hypocrisy, Kat should go. Based on a lack of power, stature and perfect teeth, Elliot should go. Based on lack of charm and a market for his records, Taylor should go. Chris, Chris - we miss you!!

I'm thinking that our boy Elliot will be out tonight. At least then he can get all those teeth straightened and capped before the nationwide tour. But, wouldn't it be funny if Taylor went instead? That might be the only outcome that could take away the lingering sting of Chris' unfortunate departure.

Not over it yet,
Mrs. Cynicletary

Two Out of Three Ain't Bad

Turns out, I like the combination of the Final Five better than I like any one of them individually. Kat? Taylor? Elliott? I don't really care that much, especially since I think (and have thought for weeks now) that Taylor, my least favorite, is going to win. He's never been in the bottom three (shades of Carrie Underwood); the handwriting's on the wall, if you ask me.

And that's fine. Taylor's fine. His personality annoys me to an alarming degree, but I've got no issues with his voice, and I don't expect him to show up in my dining room any time soon, so he can be his precious barmy self all he wants, and the only relationship he and I will have is through my daughter's radio. I can live with that.

(There are Idolettes I've HATED—Scott Savant and that grinning clown Fantasia come immediately to mind—but Taylor isn't one of them.)

Last night, hmm. No one was at the top of their game. Elliott sounded fine. Three times. Fine. I'm hard-pressed to remember what he sang.

. . .

Nope, it's gone. (Like Elliott? We'll see.) He needed to super step up tonight, and he just didn't. But was he bad? No. He's rarely outright bad, which you can't say for the princess and the horndog. But, unlike them, Elliott rarely inspires seizures of devotion, so what can you do.

So then came the princess, and I am completely at a loss. Didn't Kat used to have an amazing voice? Wasn't she Best in Show? Who the hell is messing with her mic?!!! She sang her first (stupid) (overplayed) song (what was Clive thinking? Or, I should say, what were the people who dressed Clive's body and propped him up thinking?) weirdly (what was the arranger thinking?) and didn't sound good at all. And then the Katharine McMagic kicked in, and she sang an almost unrecognizable (in a good way) "Somewhere Over the Rainbow," beautifully and magically and spine-tingly amazingly, and I was enraptured and in love and dizzy with joy (I've got McPheever!), and I mentally began fitting her with the Idol crown. And then she sang song number three, some bluesy thing, and she was fun and sounded okay, but it wasn't great, and was such an anticlimax besides, and I am simply at a loss. Who is Katharine McPhee? Is she a great singer who's had a couple of off weeks? Is she a potentially great singer who doesn't know what to do with that fine instrument she's got? Is she an average singer who can turn some vocal tricks to her advantage? I don't know enough about music to answer this myself, but it seems to me that these are the $64K questions.

And then there was Taylor, who sang "Dancing in the Dark" exactly like Bruce Springsteen (though I still enjoyed it, because I like Mr. Springsteen and I like that song), then sounded fine on "You Are So Beautiful" while looking completely barking terrified of (a) the mic and (b) the camera. WTF? And then he gave my favorite Taylor performance, ever, minus the last 30 seconds, on "Try a Little Tenderness." I'm so glad we got to hear him do that song after all! (For those not up on their Idol conspiracies, Taylor was planning to sing this during Big Love night but got told the day before that it wasn't "love songy" enough. As if! Suspicious minds, indeed.) Perfect match of voice and song, he sounded gorgeous, and then of course spazzed it all to hell in the last few seconds, because that is who he is. Ah, well. I enjoyed a lot of it a lot.

So, how did you vote, Lady C? Fine question. I soul-searched a bit (while doing a crossword puzzle—keeps me razor sharp) and then decided to give Katgirl the benefit of the doubt, so I picked up the phone and readied myself to sacrifice Elliott.

Oh, silly me.

Couldn't get through, not once, not ever, and I tried pretty consistently for the whole two hours. And I even tried to vote for Elliott once, just to see, and couldn't get through for him either. Beats the heck out of me how Taylor racks up so many votes every week—how does anyone get through?!!!!

Who will go tonight? Couldn't tell you. (See: "yam, prediction ability of a") Maybe they'll vote Chris off again (and it will hurt just as much the second time).

Lady Chardonnay OUT.

So mad!

I am totally pissed and bummin' that Chris will not be there to sing three songs tonight. Just as I was REALLY warming up to him. Dammit!

Elliot and Kat had better sing like angels (with dirty faces?) and Taylor should fall on his. Of course, people would think he did that on purpose...

With extreme crankiness,
Mrs. Cynicletary

The Man That Got Away

Oh, Chris. You will be missed.

(It would be worth going to a concert, just to see Chris duck all the flying panties and hybrids. Who'd a thunk that a growly-voiced bald fellow in a cowboy hat, with some "interesting" facial hair choices, devoted to his wife and stepchildren, would become such a white-hot sex symbol?!)

For what it's worth, Taylor got at least three lyrics wrong on "In the Ghetto," and the Katharine floggers can go way back and sit down. I'm just saying.

I have little else to add, though Mrs. Cynicletary urged me to share the following anecdote: As I was leaving the office last week, Stocky Accounting Guy called after me, "Nice boots!" I thanked him prettily and continued to pick my way across the street . . . then turned around and said, "You said boots, right?"

Just one more giddy moment in the diamond-studded life of Lady Char.

Many xxxxxxx's and ooooo's and mmmmm's to Chris, the dear departed . . .

Lady C OUT.

Theory of authentic sexual power and American Idol

After the travesty which was Chris' Idol exit, I have devised a theory, as follows: The American Idol winner cannot be a person of authentic sexuality. On Tuesday night Chris came with some powerful sexual energy and scared all the mamby-pamby Idol voters. I know that I was not the only one thinking-woh-he is SUPER HOT! And some scared-of-their- own-sexuality types thought, he's so sexy, I'm getting aroused - THAT'S BAD I MUST NOT LOOK AT HIM.

Look at the past winners - Kelly Clarkson, girlish, cute but not what you would call sexy. Ruben - the asexual black man, the only kind that America can accept. Fantasia, not a pretty face or a sexy look or personality. Carrie - churchy little girl next door-NOT minxy as Simon would say.

Based on this theory, Kat will be eliminated next because she is sexy. That leaves the completely unsexy, seems like he's 100 years old Taylor. (My theory is the only explanation for why he is still on the show.) Then there's the very talented, likable, but not what you would call a sexual powerhouse, Elliot. The only outcome now acceptable to me is to have Elliot win because he is the best singer remaining.

I'm pissed at prudish, hypocritical America, who spends billions on pornography, loves to watch scantily clad girls on as many TV screens as possible, but who cannot admit that they like sex. And it makes them uncomfortable to watch a real man pumping out some awesome sexual energy.

Chris - I'm sure that you will get a kick-ass record contract, and you will not have to record whatever lame-ass song that they make every winner record. Some dreck by Carol Bayer Sager. You will be able to maintain your integrity. You have already accomplished your goal of making life better for your family. You will never work retail again, brother. I love you!

With cynicism in full effect,
Mrs. Cynicletary

At Least Lady C and Mrs. C didn't Wreck His Marriage...

Holy crap! I didn't see that coming at ALL! Really, second only to who blew up the bus on Veronica Mars, this is the biggest surprise of the TV season for me. I could have seen anyone else going home before Chris. I want to yell "Do overs!"

I thought for sure Kat would be going home and I had hoped for Taylor. Good grief. I am stunned.

I guess Chris was not as good as usual last night, but Kat was downright BAD. Taylor really sounded great on "In the Ghetto" and Elliot (who usually makes me snore) completely charmed me with "Evil" and I even liked the other we-are-the-world-y one.

Could it be that we are going to have an 87 year old Idol or an Idol in an iron lung? Kat is an excellent singer and pretty pretty, but there is already Kelly Clarkson (whose name I always picture Steve Carrell screaming) and Carrie Underpants.

Am I demented? The idea of an Elliot/Taylor match up is becoming less weird to me. Although I never saw the Reuben/Clay-off so maybe it is not as strange as it feels to me. I guess I am surprised that the 2 least marketable people in the whole top 12 are still in the running.

Confused and full of processed meat products (Pyramid? There is a pyramid made of food?) I remain,
Brunie

We've got a hot one!

I have always liked Chris. I've always thought that he was a very good singer, and cool looking. Somehow, last night, he kicked up that certain, as the French say, I don't know what, to some higher plane of hotness. When he was singing his second song, standing behind the judges, I was like, YIKES! He is smokin hot all of a sudden! I voted for Chris many times, and I am very concerned that I was able to get through so often.Lady C and I agreed that we also called his number a lot to hear his hot voice.("Chris, hi - it's me Lady C!" she squealed into the phone.) Lady C. has lots of time to call and talk to prerecorded messages as she puts her kids to bed at 5:30pm - as soon as they are finished with their pyramid shaped food. They're Egyptian.

Elliot was just great -and he has never looked better. He is the "Most Improved" Idol. He seemed happy and confident last night.

Taylor's first song was very Karaoke, as Simon said. I thought he did well with song number two, but in my head I hear the voice of Cartman from South Park singing the background vocals, "In the ghetto...." in his little Cartman voice. It's a bit distracting.

Katherine was super cute at first with song(s) number 1. But she forgot the lyric. Just for a second, but she did. To me, this makes it easy to say that she should go, even though I love her and she would make a perfectly wonderful American Idol. She did oversing song number two as well, though. She is super-talented, and if she goes, I will not cry for her. Forgetting lyrics=buh bye. (See Melissa way below.)

I would like to see Elliot, Chris and Kat in the semi-finals, because I don't think that Taylor is the American Idol. But, I think that it will be an all-boy semi, which sounds very dirty. But fun. They could all get naked and...well...never mind.

XXX rated love & kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

You Say Tomato I Say Duck Billed Platypus...

Remember how Lacy C. said that we have different opinions and then went on with all her loving optimistic expectations for tonight? Once again we are not on the same page. (I used to think we were evil twins, but now I am not so sure. Maybe we are evil fraternal twins? Or evil sisters who are only one grade apart?)

You know how it is when you are playing checkers with your kids and eveyone has gotten to the point where all your pieces have been kinged and you are just wandering around the board either a) trying to keep from winning too quickly or b) trying to keep them from humiliating you too quickly depending on which kid you are playing? That is what Idol feels like to me. Everybody has been kinged. There is no one left who I really am rooting for. I hope Kat or Chris wins because I think ultimatly they are the most American Idol-y. But if Elliot wins - he has a beautiful voice so good for him. And if Taylor wins it will be a big WTF? moment for America but ultimatly hilarious watching Simon have an apoplectic seizure on TV.

But it is not glorious for me. I am more excited about the peanut buster sundae I got at Dairy Queen this afternoon and which is waiting patiently for me in the freezer. And I am WAY more excited about the finale of Veronica Mars this evening. You can bet that Lady C. will get no voting done this evening because I will be calling her to SQUEE every commercial!

But I soldier on, knowing that I will be pulled in the minute I hear the dreadfully dull duh duh de duh music and see the ambi-sexual idol walk the catwalk. And perhaps there will be pelvis shaking.

Living in hope I remain,
B. Crow (whose children go to bed at a perfectly reasonable hour)

The Mad Merry Month of May

Lady Darcy, my UBFFL, you need to be keeping those college stories to yourself, missy. My memory is that you also read some Scripture back in the day, and that's all I'm saying.

Man, last Tuesday seems like a long time ago, doesn't it?! Yes, I had the glorious experience of watching with Brunie, after a pleasant evening of community theayter (we are patronesses of the arts, or, as they say it 'round these parts, aaats) [rhymes with "pats," if that wasn't clear enough], and on this night we learned that our taste in everything—boys, booze, ballads, barminess—could not be more different.

Example: If you jig about the stage with any display of pep, no matter how fit-like, you'll get a big thumbs up! from Brunie, and I had to remind her that this wasn't a dahncing competition. In other words, she enjoyed the performances of Taylor #1, both Parises, and kneeling Katharine. (We mostly giggled while Chris sang—me, girlishly, and Brunie, under the influence of spirits. Though those flames behind him were wicked funny. "Chris is ON FIRE—it's a METAPHOR!" I said, and we giggled, (1) girlishly and (2) boozily.)

In contrast, I enjoy a good song sung well, so I liked both Elliots and Chris #1. I even liked Katharine #1, though I can see the problems. Taylor #2—well, "Something" is one of the greatest love songs ever, but he didn't move me. I don't blame barmy Taylor, obviously he's moving someone—sometimes you just don't click with a singer, and that's that.

For the last couple of weeks, I've been watching with my 8-year-old daughter (on tape, the next day, I hasten to add—Idol is on WAY past her bedtime, in the Chardonnay household where we have actual bedtimes and structure and we embrace the Food Pyramid, unlike the Crow house, where the children watch TV at all hours, have memorized their mother's tender admonition "I can't hear you when I'm reading! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!", and have learned to forage for nourishing tumbleweeds out in the yard. Or the Cynicletary household, where the youngest is served three square meals of meat, day in, day out, and the elder two have become, respectively, a vegan and a vegetarian. None of this is my point, though, and both ladies are excellent parents. Just, my kids go to bed earlier.)

As I was saying, my girl has been watching Idol, she loves Chris (aka "Mommy's guy") and Katharine, but her chief ardor seems to be for Simon, and what am I to make of this? She plans to sing "A Moment Like This" when she herself appears on Idol. (Somewhere, Mrs. Cynicletary is weeping.)

Tonight—wow. This is a pretty rockin' Final Four, and I hardly know what to hope for.

I want Taylor to be outstanding tonight, to justify his position here—and tonight of all nights, i.e., ELVIS NIGHT, the stars are shining on Taylor and everything's in his corner. He had best be magnificent.

I want Elliot to be outstanding tonight, because he's so dear and so wonderful, and I always fear that he's going next. Which I've been wrong about for 25 straight weeks, but hey.

I want Chris to be outstanding tonight, because why should tonight be any different?

I want Katharine to be outstanding tonight—to bring it home for the girls and leave the boys in the dust.

They're all capable of knocking our socks off, and tonight, I want my toesies stripped bare!

Lady Chardonnay OUT.

Taylor's Journal

Dear Diary (WHOO!),
Today was awesome - WHOO!
I got up nice and early to work out. First I did some side streches to keep those jerking twitches looking natural. Then I practiced my spontanious clapping. And I fell on the floor and flailed like a ninny. WHOO!
After breakfast (wheatabix, stewed prunes and a nice cold Ensure) I went to practice. We are at Graceland this week. WHOO! I haven't been here in awhile. I opened for Elvis once, but it was before he was famous. WHOO!
I haven't decided on my song for this week because I told everyone I was singing "A Little Less Conversation" because it was so well done last year on Idol. WHOO! It doesn't really matter what I practice since they are going to make me change my song at the last minute because they don't want me to win. [Editor's note: True that.]WHOO!
Hell, it doesn't matter to me - it is enough that a man my age even gets a chance to perform on Idol! WHOO! As we used to say back when I was fighting in the war between the states- "You may win on paper - but I get all the calamari - WHOO!" Wait a minute - that wasn't me...
Gotta go - I have to be careful when I take my pills. I accidentally switched my dementia pills with my viagra pills last week. I didn't think Paula would stop smiling for weeks! WHOO!
SOUL PATROL - WHOO!
Taylor

Oh prescient Brunie

Poor Brunie, by trying to use reverse psychology on the fates, you have sealed you own! Goodbye, Paris, you sweet little cutie. Taylor deserved to go , not you! And is she the least sore loser you ever saw in your life?? She maintained that sweet smiley face throughout elimination. What a kid! Only seventeen! Now we know for sure that she is reincarnated-like Joan of Arc or Mata Hari, or some other brave chick! I doubt that Joan or Mata could sing as well as Paris, though. Her video tribute was great - all those giant stars stating how great she is, and Stevie Wonder giving her his seal of approval - you will be just fine, Sweetheart. We'll always have Paris...

Taylor had better go next week. And Brunie, to answer your question - no - Taylor is not nor has he ever been, hot.
Ick to fucking him. (That's what you meant by doing "you-know-what", right??) ;-)

Love & kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

Play That Dreadfully Boring Music White Boys

I must admit that I did enjoy the spectacle of Taylor having full body seizures while growling Wild Cherry. (Was it Wild Cherry? Do I remember that and not my own children's names??) But I seem to be alone in that.

But last night, my heart belonged to the girls. I am with Mrs.C in that I liked Kat's second song "There Is a Cow or a Beaver or a Wallaby Up in the Apricot Tree" and the way she danced as if she only had half a pair of legs. It was weird, weird, weird and I loved it. I also enjoyed the look of gob-smacked confusion on the face of Lady C as she watched it. That look that was ever so present during every song I enjoyed last night! It was a pleasure to watch with Lady C - a nearly unprecidented event - but we have VERY different opinions of what is "good". I could take or leave "Against All Odds". It sounded fine to me. I didn't notice her voice sounded too bad.

I also adored Paris. And I liked "Kiss" a lot. I thought she sounded swell and I liked her pouty little face and her stompy dance and her wonderfulness. I have not even the slightest knowledge of Mary J Blige except that her last name is not pronounced "Bilge" and high school students will laugh at you if you say it that way. But I thought Miss P's voice sounded great.

Elliot was once again perfectly lovely sounding and as dull as kissing your auntie. Both times.

Chris was fine singing the ode to getting caught doing something naughty. And his newfangled screaming song was powerfully sung as well. And yet, I remained unmoved.

I already mentioned that I enjoyed Taylor's first song. Although if we were going with his real age he would have been singing "Don't Sit Under the Apple Tree With Anyone Else But Me" or "In the Mood" or "Pennsylvania6-5000". (Or as my husband, the lister of all things called it "Transylvania six five oh oh oh".) However he sounded nice on "Something". How is that on the charts? I am assuming it is because I believe everything that happens on IDOL. And yet... The thing about Taylor is that he is not sexy AT ALL! I am pretty easy about who I find sexy. There are three guys in my church who are well into their 80s and yet I think they are kind of hot. So it is not a grey haired thing. I just think he has NO sex appeal. Lady C said she used to want to have you-know-what with him. (Of course, you know how she is...) But I think - ew...

So, if you read this, please respond with your opinion:
Is Taylor sexy (or has he at any time in this contest appeared to be sexy) or do you think he is kind of like a Ken doll? A twitchy, hooting, clapping Ken doll. Give specific examples (as Lady C. could not) of times when he did have appeal.

I will be crying tonight when they send sweet little Paris home tonight. (And so I avoid both the evil eye and the boogeyman of P. going home with that sentence.)

Brunie, OUT~!

American Idol medium well

That was kind of an odd show. Nobody was off the charts incredible and no one was terrible. If Idol was a steak it would be cooked medium well.

Elliot: Liked song one very much - liked the second one too. I hope that since it had a slight country-ish feel, that maybe those who would have voted for Kelli will vote for him. I tried to vote for him on auto-dial for two hours and never got through.

Paris - Good job, but I don't think anyone but Prince (or possibly Tom Jones) should do "Kiss". She did well with the Mary J.Blige song, even though I don't really care for Mary. Paris was good but still no spine-tingling action from her.

Chris -Song one - excellent. It was clear, as Simon pointed out, that his voice was starting to go on song two. I still like him very much, and tried to vote for him too, and never got through.

Taylor - Song one - I just did not like it. All the running and mugging and falling on the stage seemed contrived and fake. It seems like Taylor has let go of his organic, this-is-who-I-am style, and has become self-conscious. I was surprised by how well he performed "Something" - it was very good. I still did not try to vote for him, and think that he should go tonight. Somehow, I think that I will be disappointed.

Kat - Song one - not so good - I don't like that song anyway and she seemed kind of lost singing it. She did a great job with song two. I do like that song and appreciated her trying to do something creative and different with her delivery.

My choice would be for Taylor to say bye bye tonight. I hope that Elliot's song was not prophetic (the I want to go home one). I have a sinking feeling about Kat...I just don't know. At this point, with the exception of Taylor, I would miss whoever goes home.

Love & kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

Mr. Donnie Hathaway

Well shame on me for not knowing about Donnie Hathaway! I assumed by his name and by the way that Elliot sang "A Song For You" that he was some smarmy former boy-band guy like Bobby Brown or Justin Timberlake. In reality, he has a beautiful voice which I have enjoyed in the past in "The Closer I Get to You" with Roberta Flack.
And having listened to his version of "A Song For You" I think that Randy, Paula and Simon should have ripped Elliot a new one for singing it not half as well as the original. And the Hathaway version has a beautiful piano part, simple and lovely. Not the over produced crap-fest we usually get from the AI Band.
Love and kisses,
Brunie

Love is Blind (Insert Andrea Bocelli joke here)

Another fascinating night of songs I wouldn't recognize if they smacked me in the face with a mackerel.

First up, Kat impressed me! Not just her gravity defying bosoms and her mastery of double sided tape - but her actual singing! I loved "I Have Nothing", a song that no one believes I never heard of before. Listen, 1993 I was busy with a newborn. I didn't even turn on the radio. I listened to Nina Simone and the sounds of crying and spitting up. I am pretty sure the aforementioned newborn enjoyed Kat's "gifts". The judges were pretty harsh.

Elliot sang a song I never heard of ("A Song for You". For me? Well, thanks...) by an artist I never heard of! Who is this Donnie Hathaway person and why do I not know him? Just how old am I? He sounded good, as ever. I cracked up when Simon said in parts it seemed like a master class in singing. Puh-lease! It sounded nice. That's it.

Kellie was fine, as ever singing "Unchained Melody". And yet the judges turned on her like a bunch of addicts on a PCP bender. Like a mama bear defending her cub. Like an old French whore. Maybe I will stop asking my spouse for random metaphors for crazy people. At any rate - they were mean and she hung her head and said she deserved it. That girl was born to apologize.

Paris was delightful with her flippy '70s hair singing "The Way We Were". Lady C. made me laugh and laugh discussing the crazy ways they used to do things back a long time ago when Paris was young. Can it be that it was all so simple then? I love Princess P and I will cry and cry next week when they send her home.

Taylor, who usually irritates me whenever he is not singing, managed to irritate me while singing by boring-up a favorite song of mine, "Just Once" which throws me back in time to the days when I would make out behind the roller skating rink on Christian Youth night in the early '80s. It was so much simpler then... Now the guy that owns the rink throws rocks at me and threatens to call the police. Anyway - Taylor was dull. And I loathe him. And I hope Mrs.C is right and he goes home. Unless he doesn't stink next week.

"Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman?" Chris has. He really, really has. And he can sing about it real pretty-like.

Wednesday was 14 hours worth of boring stuffed into a 30 minute sack. Everything sucked except for the look on Taylor's face when he realised that he was either only the third or fourth vote getter of the night. You could totally tell that he thought that he and Elliot were the top two. Heh...

Kellie was fine about leaving and I wish her the best. My heart broke a little for her (not really, that is a metaphor, one I picked out myself with no help from the Metaphor Master I married) when she said that she was no longer ashamed of how she was brought up or something like that. It was kind of sweet and I choose to believe that she is a little smarter than she lets on, but genuinely nice.

Oh how I hope anybody but Paris goes home next week.

Brunie, OUT!

Kellie, Kellie, Kellie, Kellie, K-E-L-L-I-E...

(as sung by Woody on Cheers, another great love song our Idolettes inexplicably shunned)

So America didn't pick Pickler after all. I'm not sorry, but neither am I dancing in the streets. The schtick got old, for sure, but (I fear I must quote Simon), "she's a nice gull." I see a big career for Kellie as a fine-dining reporter in Albemarle ("I enjoyed a yummy sall-mon fillette . . . wait, what? Fill-ay? No, silly, there's a 'T' in it!"). Happy trails, Kellie belle.

Lady Chardonnay OUT.

Up with America!

I am so very pleased that America did the right thing! Hurray! My faith is restored. Not in the American administration, but in the American people. Some of the people. Who voted Tuesday night. Not for Kelli. Yes, I love them!

I will have to change my name if this level of sagacity keeps up. Next, Taylor goes. Then we're in a pickle. (But not a Pickler, thank God!)

Extra patriotic love and kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

Love, American (Idol) Style

(Truer than the red, white, and blu-u-ue!)

Yeah, what kind of Love-In doesn't include "Endless Love"? "Love, soft as an easy chair / Love, fresh as the morning air"? "Theme from freakin' Love Boat" ?! (You know—MY formative love songs?!) But that is pretty much my biggest gripe, so for today I'll color myself: generally happy with just a pinprick of ennui.

A pretty good night, I thought. And I liked that Simon Legree music producer. Well, actually, I didn't like him at all, he was a nasty mean snake man, except when he was salivating over Andrea Bocelli—but he worked wonders with our baby Idols, as much or more than Coach Manilow, even, and I give him full props for that. And my mental image of deeply abashed Chris singing while prone is going to tickle me for a good time yet.

Because it's my headline news, I'll start with this: I didn't hate Kellie!

But now I need to back up and tell everyone: If someone gets voted out tonight, it's all Brunie's fault, because she called me at every single commercial of Veronice Mars, aka My Natural Voting Time, and kept me from my rightful duty. And also, I wasted all my funny throwing her into void-inducing hysterics, so I have nothing left for this blog, nothing! But she promises to spackle all the gaps in my humor memory, and for those who remember her peppy anecdote about big girls singing longingly of pie, you know how relieved I am.

Yeah.

But I digress.

Kellie did make an unfortunate hair choice, and that one freaky high note that Simon Legree put her up to—'kay, she should never do that again, EVER—but generally, I thought she sounded pretty good. Except that is one boring-ass song unless sung by a hottie who's about to rip your clothes off and you're just biding your time on a pottery wheel or something.

I don't know what the judges had up their collective asses this week, but I thought Katherine was great. I thought of Whitney exactly NEVER. Katherine got my vote. (In the metaphorical sense, because I never could get through on either of her lines, in the eensy window of time I had between Veronica and tooth-brushed oblivion.)

Elliot, I'm over my little crush, but I do still love his golden voice. I get a Tony Bennett thing from him, even though I don't like Tony that much and I adore Elliot. But Tony is this little froggy man with a voice that people love, and that's kinda Elliot too, though he's more elfin than froggy. But I can't come up with an elfin golden-voiced counterpart. Maybe if Yoda hit the Vegas circuit. Anyway. I fear for Elliot tonight—his voice is first-rate, he just doesn't have the charisma of the other five (why, he's this year's Jessica Siera!). I was only able to get through once for Mr. E, but I've learned my lesson on that little "He's safe!" delusion. Well, we'll see.

Paris cracks me up. "I'm only 17, so I have to choose a love song carefully," she squeaks, and I think, "Girl, you are so smart and brilliant." Then she says, "I don't have love thoughts, only memories," and I giggle myself into another state. Memories? At 17? Of what, the Junior Prom?! Oh, Paris.

She sounded great. Her only misfortune was to sing a song I know so extremely very well that I could track every one of her mistakes, in particular, swallowing the wistful "Would we...?" to prepare for the belting of "MEMORIES...!!!!" that came a millisecond (read: way too soon) later. I also didn't like her gusty Al Gore sigh before the final note, though Mrs. Cynicletary thought it was cute.

Taylor....has peaked. Sorry.

And Chris—ohhh baby. Chris was fine, and not in the that's-the-best-we-can-say-about-that-peformance way. Chris was supah fine!!!! Love me some Chris. I managed to get through only once for him as well. Make of this what you will.

(Hee. Chris prone. And abashed. Hee.)

So Love Night, on the whole, didn't suck. But still—I continue to say that the themes this year are hella weird. Bring on Motown Night, already!

Lady C, preparing to say a sad goodbye to someone (Brunie's fault, remember), and OUT.

Kelli's gettin' smelly

Ok, this is the third week in a row that Kelli has not sung well. She was boring, out of breath a little, and just off in some places. I hate that stupid song anyway. So, she may be cute and charming and perfect for sit-coms, but, as even Paula had to admit, her time has come. She did not even look cute with the flipped-back hair and boring outfit. If she does not go home tonight I will be cranky with the injustice of it all.

Katherine - I thought she did well, better than the judges thought she did. She should stay.
Elliot - Really well done. I still like him a lot.
Taylor - He looks so tense and uncomfortable to me. Do you notice how he has trouble just looking into the camera? He gets all shifty-eyed like Nixon in the Kennedy debate.
Paris - Excellent singing. It is like she's a 50 year old woman in a 12 year old body. She sounded tremendous.
Chris - Fantastic! Another excellent performance.

In a righteous world the bottom three would be Kelli, Taylor and Katherine with Kelli going home. My final four pick is Chris, Paris, Elliot and Katherine. But, I could be foiled by those rabid Taylor/Kelli-ites. We'll see.

xxoo,
Mrs. Cynicletary

Aces away

Goodbye, Ace. You're a good kid, great looks - you'll be fine. See you in the Dentyne commercials.

Kelli should go next, but I'm afraid America is voting for her hotness versus her talent. We will see.
Love songs next week - could be a good night.

Love & kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

Taylor is special...

And when I say that - I mean short-bus special. How is he hiding his natural stupidity? When they pulled the whole "alienate three of the people you must spend the next 5 weeks with by voicing your opinion about their performances on national tv" he didn't even bad an eye. He even CHEATED by shaking Chris' hand until he heard Ryan say "Sorry..." and then went to he other side! I loathe him. It would have been so easy to say, "This isn't survivor, dude - it doesn't matter what I think." Or to just say to Ryan - "Well, I'm pretty sure you're going to be here next week so I will just stay here by you..."

The only think that keeps me from being filled with loathing for him personally is that he kind of had that "deer in the headlights" look that made me think that they had warned everyone that if it came to that they would have to choose.

Bo did it with class last year when he refused to choose.

That being said - I did like his performance Tuesday, particularly the last half of the song.

And I loved Paris the very most.

I thought Kat was wonderful, but no better than Paris.

Kellie sounded great to me and looked fantastic. But when she got ahead of the music at the end and Simon dropped his head into his arms, I had the very same response. Yeah, I think she should go home next - but she won't.

Elliot and Chris sounded good but were dull as dirt.

And Ace got what was coming to him...

Chris in the bottom three? Time to vote people.

And finally - my confession:

While Kat was still singing I decided to pre-vote for Paris so that I could just hit re-dial over and over during Veronica Mars. Well, my call went through and thanked me for voting. So I voted for her 12 times while Kat was still singing. I don't know if it counted, but it made me feel like a rebel; a loose cannon, baby!

Happy Songbook minus Kelli

I agree with Lady C. - what a wonderful night. I love it when (almost) everyone does a great job. (See Kelli below)

Chris was so touching and earnest - lovely! And we had just made a Louie Armstrong recipe for Creole Red Beans and Rice for dinner. We were feeling the whole Louie vibe!
Paris - Very sweet but she could have kicked it up another notch. I keep waiting for her to really bring the house down.
Elliot - beautiful voice. I wanted him to really go nuts with some vocal fireworks though. I voted for him a couple of times. His line was quite busy, so I hope he's safe.
Taylor - It was OK. He seems somehow uncomfortable. He grinds his teeth and twitches like someone who takes a lot of speed. Maybe he's taking diet pills??
Ace - eh. See ya.
Kelli - Awful - just terrible. After an OK beginning she went way off pitch and she really blew it. If there is any justice she will go home as her past two performances have not been good.However, I fear that justice is not in the cards tonight.
Katherine - Wow. Fantastic! I love that song and she just gets more and more gorgeous every week. She was so cute and vulnerable. All the Kelli fans need to ditch her and get on the Katherine bandwagon. She's just as cute as Kelli, but less stupid with a better voice!

I hope that Ace goes tonight although it should be Kelli.

Love & kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

At Last!

What a wonderful night! Loved it, loved it, loved it. Our darlings should make a CD of standards right this very minute and forget all this other nonsense.

I agree with Simon that Katharine blew the rest of them away, but still. Everyone performed well. I felt like a proud little momma, watching my babies shine. What a wonderful night!

Besides Katharine, I thought Chris was especially fine (is it possible to do a bad version of that song? Even Willie Nelson, whom I usually loathe, sang it beautifully in Michael, the John Travolta angel movie), and Paris and Ace did very well. I may be alone in liking Kellie's version of "Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered"—I thought it was a nice fit with her (limited) voice and (totally put-on) vulnerability. Yes, I am having no luck dealing with my Kellie irritation. Maybe next week.

My two disappointments were Taylor and Elliott, even though they were each "fine." (The F-word! The dreaded F-word!) My expectations for both men are high, and neither one knocked it out tonight. And I'm mad at Elliott for choosing a boring song. I'm not worried about Taylor; his fans will pull him through. But Elliott—baby, you needed a solid gold performance tonight, and that just wasn't it.

But oh well. They can't all win, and I know the out-of-her-league Kellie won't be budging any time soon, so someone has to go, much as I hate it. Have we ever had such a musically satisfying Top 7 before?!

I can't say enough about Katharine's performance of "Someone to Watch Over Me." It may be the best thing I've ever heard on Idol. Beautiful voice, beautiful song, she brought so much personality to it, and she looked absolutely gorgeous (yes, I am Paula). Just—wow.

What a wonderful night! Rod Stewart! Who'd a thunk it?

Lady Chardonnay, all aglow and OUT.

acceptable

Taylor and Kelli really must have the aforementioned psycho fan bases, because the two of them should have been in the bottom three last night. Elliot - no way bottom three! Lady C., never gloat about how safe he is again! Ace could have gone and I would have been fine with that. I accept Bucky going too. Of course, I think Bucky did a good job on Tuesday, better than Kelli and Taylor, but, as I've said before, he is not the American Idol. Good luck to him and all his folks back home. Yeehaw.

Clearly we have to vote like the dickens for Elliot. Unless of course, he sings badly in which case I would become stone cold and not vote for him. I think he will be fantastic next week. This is the annoying phase of the competition when people vote personality and not performance. I also think that going first is a disadvantage on Idol. Bucky went first last time. I think Mandisa went first before that. Going last is very helpful. People remember better what happened two minutes ago versus say, a whole 45 minutes ago. Paris was last and she managed to stay out of the bottom three even though her song was wack!

All in all, an acceptable decision by America.

Another aging rocker next week!

Happy Easter/Passover/Spring,
Mrs. Cynicletary

Is the queen of whom you speak?

queen,
originally uploaded by thejoyofidol.

I am so uninterested in the music of Queen that I am surprised I recognize any of these songs. Even more surprised that I actually enjoy a few. Alas, I am under whelmed enough that I will be doubling up on paragraphs so I don't come as close to falling asleep while writing about it as I did watching in.

Bucky starts out with "Fat-Bottom Girls" - the song of my people. He is quite good. Sadly - he is followed by Ace. I laughed when one of the Queensmen - I don't know who, Freddie Mercury is the only one I ever recognized - refused to crap-ify "We Will Rock You" in the flash back. Way not to sell out. Except for the appearing on American Idol part.

Kellie Pickler (or Kellie Goes Goth-ler as Frank called her) makes me kind of like her with "Bohemian Rhapsody". It is weird as hell, but it amuses me as little else did. Chris on the other hand is forgettable with "Innuendo" and if they throw one more stupid-ass light show on stage with him I will send them a package of vomit. Hmmm... Perhaps that is a little harsh.

Kat sings something that made absolutely no impression on me at all but she looked great doing it. And she is followed by the amazing Elliott. He sounds great on "Somebody to Love". I do like this song and he makes it sound great.

Taylor is a freak of nature, but I'm not saying anything you don't already know if you've watched this show for more than 2 minutes. He sounds okay but has a full on seizure on stage. He flails at the music stand and runs amok as if tiny monkeys are pulling his hair and poking him with sticks. And to top it off he is singing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" which is a stupid stupid song. But I live through it. Then along comes Paris and sings "The Show Must Go On" which sounds fine - but her look is what kills me. I love how she plays dress-up. She is really playing with the show's idea of a different theme more than anyone else. She looks more like her song than anyone. Kat and Kellie try to look hot. Chris tries to look cool. Elliot tries to look healthy. Taylor tries to look young. Ace tries to look straight. And Bucky tries to look like his parents weren't cousins. But Paris changes from week to week and I am a total sucker for it. She doesn't have to sing well - although she can - she just needs to show up and not be too stupid with Ryan and I am all hers.

I hope that TWop is right and it is Ace who will be returning to near obscurity this evening.

Brunie - OUT!

Bitchy Queens

Queen night was not as bad as it could have been. Except for Kelli. Was she completely out of her mind to sing Bohemian Rhapsody? Her "rendition" was horrible. Could she stop trying to walk all over the stage in giant heels? One of these nights she will fall on her cute little ass. And enough with the stupid girl comments, "on payper - whut does thayat mean?" Is she trying to be the new Jessica Simpson? And how bitchy were those Queen guys - I won't do that to my song - yikes!

Bucky - a fine job, really. He's an ok kid.
Ace - I expected a nightmare, got a mild dream instead. He did not embarrass himself.
Chris - I love him still.
Katherine - beautiful voice, beautiful girl, mediocre song
Elliot - I agree with Lady C - not as rabidly, but I really do like his voice and his unpretentious manner
Taylor - I just did not like his performance at all.
Paris - it was weird like Simon said. I love her, but the performance was not so good

I voted for Chris, Elliot and Katherine. It is so hard to tell the bottom three. I think that it should be Paris, Kelli and Taylor, although I think that Taylor and Kelli have giant psycho fan bases who vote all night. Paris may go tonight, which would be a shame becaue she has not yet given the performance that I know she can give. Maybe she is just too young still.

Re Lady Chardonnay's comment about cocktails as accessory. Yes, last year at our big luncheon I wore yellow and green and drank a pale green Gimlet. Yesterday, I wore pink and drank a pink gimlet. It's a fad that will grip the nation I'm sure, now that it's out -thanks a lot, Lacy C!

Love & kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

Knock, Knock. Who's There?

Katharine and Elliot, that's for sure–they aren't going anywhere tonight. I tried their lines, off and on, for the whole two hours and only got through once apiece.

I voted for Katharine because her voice sounded lovely and I felt that she needed my support. Didn't love the song, but—whatever. Katharine's my girl.

And as for Elliot—Elliot! Elliot! Elliot!—I may have found my new object of obsession, my Anthony 2006, the one I will manically hit "redial" for. I thought he sounded amazing last night. That gorgeous voice of his was pure gold. And he's looking better all the time and seemed comfortable and happy—he owned the stage. I LOVED his performance. And based on the 2 billion busy signals I got, he's safe as all giddyup this week.

Who else? Taylor—hmm. I'm curious to know what the Taylor fans thought. I suspect that if you love Taylor, you thought it was wonderful. I love Taylor's voice, but Taylor himself kinda irks me, and last night I mostly felt irked. Plus, hasn't that song been done to death on Idol? Ah, well. Taylor isn't going anywhere.

I enjoyed Ace, who wasn't nasal at all, and Bucky didn't bother me. Paris looked cute, but I'm with Simon here—a little weird.

I've learned that hard-rocker Chris is not my friend, so I cheerfully fast-forwarded through his performance after the second note and never looked back. (I was at a PTA meeting last night and couldn't watch in real time, but it was very nice because Elliot sang to me three times, which spells "happy!" in my book. And yes, I said PTA; Lady Chardonnay is a party girl by day and a PTA mom by night, which is one trippy schedule to maintain, I'll say that. Mrs. Cynicletary and I started partying at exactly 11:32 a.m. yesterday, and I hope she'll tell you all about her new plan to match her cocktails with her outfits.)

And then there was Kellie. Oh, lordy. HATED her performance. Hate, hate, hate, beyond all reason.

(As if my opinion on Kellie mattered one iota. I am feeling jaded and cynical.)

But then I think of Elliot and how completely totally all-out SAFE he is this week, and the world is happy and muffiny again.

Lady Chardonnay, giddy with her not-so-secret crush, and OUT.

One Lady, One Vote

Upon reflection, I realize that I am a dip.

The whole point of the rabid voting is to encourage people's investment in the show. More investment in the show = more devoted viewership = more people watching the commercials, which is in fact the only reason the show exists. CDs, concert tickets, recording contracts, yada yada–they are but window dressing.

This concludes today's lesson in How the World Works 101. You're welcome!

Lady C OUT.

A Bright Star Falls

So sad. Mandisa was not only my favorite, she was also one of the best singers. It was not her time.

And yet, when it came down to her and Elliot, I found myself whispering "Mandisa . . . Mandisa . . ." over and over. Mandisa is poised, primed, and ready to be a star. I'm not worried about her. Elliot . . . Elliot needs a little more polishing, a little more exposure. He needs Idol right now more than Mandisa does. So even though I hate it—Elliot, Mandisa, and Paris, the most improbable bottom three ever—it could have been worse.

It's such an odd setup. The fact that we can vote more than once for anyone has always been a puzzle to me. If a rabid fan votes 300,000 times for Kellie Pickler, is that same fan going to buy more than one Kellie Pickler CD? Wouldn't you get a more accurate sense of how much support each candidate has if only one vote per candidate were allowed? I ask you.

(But I'm talking through my hat. Since I've never bought an Idol-related CD, ever, I am clearly not the show's target audience. Though last year I was wildly tempted to buy concert tickets for me and Mrs. Cynicletary, since she would hate it so much. The show, she loves. The post-show Idolettes, not so much.)

The themes this year are just plain weird. Queen? How sad I am not to see Kevin Covais attempt this. (Ha.) I'll have to content myself with Bucky. Ohhh, mama.

Good luck, Mandisa. It was a joy getting to know you. God bless.

Lady Chardonnay OUT.

...about the going...

You know how I said yesterday that from now on the going gets tough? Well the going is now. Ouch. It is hard to lose Mandisa so soon. I did not like her last two performances, but she is a tremendous singer. I have no doubt that she will have a successful career all by herself. I predict that Jenny Craig will try to get their hands on her. (Goodbye Kirstie Alley.) God Bless Mandisa!

I also said that I was worried for Elliot, and with good reason apparently. Sheesh - what a tough bottom three.Mandisa, Elliot and Paris. They are all more talented than Ace, Kelli and Bucky. They need to whip out those flashy, spine tingling, hair raising vocals next week. Anybody can go at any time.

I must say that although Ryan is a little twerp, he has been rockin' the cool 60's syle suits lately. You have to be a little skinny guy to wear those- but he looks good, because he is!

Queen songs next week. Those are some truly difficult songs to sing. I bet Chris will rock this one. Elliot should sing something really difficult really well to stay on. I see Kelli folding under this pressure - she'll probably sing crazy little thing called love. And she has probably never heard of Queen before now! And what is Bucky going to do with Queen?! At least I'm not dreading it like country night.

Love & kisses to heartbroken Mandisa-ites,
Mrs. Cynicletary

Yaaaaawning over you

What a bore. Another weird freakin' bore. I hate country night!
Taylor - so boring , Dude - what was up with that? No vote from me.
Mandisa - boring, a little off key at the beginning - jeans distract from your talent and concentrate focus on your pear-shape - don't you read our advice?!!
Elliot - heartfelt singing - I voted for him several times because his line was suspiciously not busy. I hope he stays, because he is very talented and we have not yet heard his best. As his hair grows out he looks better and better too.
Paris - Just OK, it seemed like the key was too low throughout most of the song. I think she could have/should have belted that one out of the park.
Chris - He is very sexy and I like him a lot.
Kelli - A good cute performance.
Ace - He's wearing a little thin for me. An OK performance but his schtick is getting stale.
Katherine - STUPID song, good performance. She could make any piece of crap song seem pretty good with her charm. She has even more feminine wiles than you, Mrs. B. Cow sex slave.
Bucky - You're OK, Dude - but you are not the American Idol.

All in all the show was uninspired. I am not sure who will go tonight. Bottom three, I'll guess Bucky, Taylor and Paris, although I'm nervous for my boy Elliot. From here on out the going gets tough.

Love & kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

Know When to Walk Away, Know When to Run

It wasn't as horrifying as I feared. Mostly—just kinda dull.

Some bright spots: Elliott sounded lovely. Chris sounded lovely and looked lovely and was lovely and I love him. Paris was adorable, though she sang "live" as though she were rhyming it with "breathe." ("How do I leeeeve without you?" Uh, just go? He'll catch up if he wants to.) Ace gave his second-best performance and reminded me why I originally liked him.

Some disappointments: Taylor should have been a shining star tonight, and instead he earned Kellie's F word, i.e.: "Fine." Mandisa didn't stir me at all. Katharine's song (thanks, Brunie, for the title; "Bringing Half the Everest in Me" made no sense at all) was hella weird.

I don't expect much from Bucky, and that's what he gave me.

Kellie's song cracked me up—a little bit "Love Child," a little bit "Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves." I think I'm so irritated by the packaging of Kellie that I can't be objective about her any more. She was—say it with me now—"fine."

For me, the Ryan v. Simon schtick has worn thin, to the point of oblivion. For every zinger that actually connects, there are 10 that are painfully stupid. I wish they would just get enjoy some X, have a little "encounter," and get it out of their systems already.

And I continue to dream . . .

Hopefully, Bucky goes tonight, and after that . . . it's all Heartbreak Hotel for this girl, since I want the Final 8 to sing to me till the end of time, even Ace—pretty, limited Ace.

Next week: Calypso Night! ha.

Lady Chardonnay OUT.

Country Correction

hat,
originally uploaded by thejoyofidol.

I didn't realize that Lady C and Mrs. C had posted before the show aired. Since I didn't pay attention I can now say that I actually posted first about the just-aired episode and therefore am, in fact, devoted and clever. At least for a little while...

Yee Haw!

hat,
originally uploaded by thejoyofidol.

For a pair of drunkards, Lady C and Mrs. C are very quick to post. I was all excited getting up at the crack of dawn thinking, "Finally, I will post first so that I look devoted and clever." Alas it is not to be...

So last night, while not entirely sucking, came very close. What is the list of songs that they can choose from? Once again, I knew two songs. And they were quite possibly the worst two songs of the night. Slave to chronology that I am, I will give you the old faithful Bruniecrow recap.

I used to imagine that John Denver and I lived in a little cabin on the side of a mountain in West Virginia. Yes, I was his Mountain Momma. And when we would visit Colorado we would say "Colorado Rocky Mountain, Hi!" But now I am glad he has become one with the universe or whatever because Tyler's "performance" would break his heart. Okay, I exaggerate. But it was deadly dull. And why does he clap for himself? Did he ride the short bus to school. (Not that there is anything wrong with that. If memory serves, the short bus had comfy seats and the restraints gave me a nice feeling of security.)

And dare I say Mandisa did nothing for me either? I still love her voice - but the song was stupid and for the love of all things holy LOSE THE JEANS! She sounded better to me in the round-up clip at the end, but still - no love here from me. Except from her top. Nice rack, Mandisa!

Elliot was in my personal top three this week. I was ironing (Is it country music night or are those the four horsemen of the apocalypse in my driveway?) and was thrilled to be hearing him without seeing him. The song had that weepy country feel that sometimes works and his voice was really good.

Paris disappointed me with the other song I recognized. Is "How Do I Live" really a country song? If that is the case than country sucks. She sounded fine, but my loathing for this song superceds all talent. And I did truly enjoy Paula getting booed while Simon got the cheers. Ryan seemed quite cheesed off. The drama...

This was the first Ace performance that I actually liked. It didn't make my top three because it is still, after all, Ace. But he sounded pretty good, bad diction aside. The trauma came for me when Frank created what he calls "The Ace Face" which is the most terrifying thing this kid has ever done. He pulls his lips into a huge grimace-smile and then the eyes - oh the eyes! - they are so big and devoid of thought. He only has to do it a little bit and I start screaming. I was going to post a picture of him doing it, but I don't want to emotionally scar anyone.

Fancy is a tale of a girl turned out as a prostitute by her Momma - sung by America's sweetheart, Kellie Pickler. It was too low and too garbled and if you didn't know the song already it made no sense at all and was stupid. So there.

Chris seemed nervous without his light-show this week. He sounded great singing an earnest love song. It reminded me of Jim Croce. He was also in my top three.

Kat made me love her. Not by singing "Bringing Out the Elvis in Me" which is a truly stupid song. But just by sheer force of her personality. She was dancing and acting a little goofy and a little sexy. I just like her. And when she said to Simon, "You just don't like country music. It's okay to say it." I thought that she said it in a very supportive way. Didn't like the song but I almost voted for her just for that.

(I don't, as a rule, vote because that would mean I take this seriously. As opposed to spending an hour writing about it...)

Finally, Bucky. I howled because Kenny Rodgers (who looks like he is going to get his birthday call from Willard Scott any day now) said it was important that he have good diction so that people knew what the song meant. Bucky, of course, don't need none of that confounded diction! He just mumbled and garbled his way through. That said, he sounded good and it struck me as a sweet, sad performance.

I could not pick who is going home for the life of me. If I had my druthers it would be Kelly or Ace, but I don't think America is playing it that way.

Brunhildecrow, OUT!

She's a Little Bit Country, He's a Little Bit Rock 'n' Roll

So TV Guide (raise your hand if the new format irks you—they've got 2 million pages now, they can't show me a whole day's worth of TV?) is predicting a Kellie v. Chris Smackdown, á la the Carrie v. Bo confrontation of yesteryear, if you make Carrie a sexier cartoon girl and Bo someone you might actually bring home to Mama. And if that happens . . . well, Kellie will win, that's all. The section of the country that finds Kellie vacuous and limited is smaller than the section that finds Chris threatening and . . . I'll stick with "threatening."

Granted, this is totally my opinion, and my opinions—while 100 percent factually correct—seem to be unshared by a whole lotta people, namely, U.S. voters. And, well, the Academy. (Did people not see Capote? Man. Crash? Are you kidding me?! But I digress.)

Mrs. Cynicletary swears that the best singers always win in the end . . . which I don't necessarily agree with. Kelly, sure. Ruben—it's subjective. He and Clay are both excellent singers. Fantasia—no freakin' way. La Toya was a much better singer. It came down to a cult of personality that year. Carrie—okay. I loved Bo and never warmed up to Carrie, but her pure talent was undeniable. What all that means for this year, I couldn't tell you.

And I screamed and threw things at the TV (in my head, I did) when Paula said, "You just have to keep voting for your favorites . . . for the whole two hours." Have a life much, Paula?

I'm not sure at what point I should mention that my very recent lunch comprised a lot of tequila. I was celebrating?

Maybe I was preparing for Country Night, which, like Mrs. Cynicletary, raises not one iota of hopefulness in me. Of course, I do love Patsy Cline. And that cute girl who sings "Passionate Kisses" (which my husband always misremembers as "Passionate Sisters," too funny)—I like her too. And I love to pretend to sing "Achy Breaky Heart," with lines like " . . . and then I'm gonna circumcise this man." But . . . that's about it. Still, unlike Mrs. Cynicletary (who is an older person), I am open-minded and bendy—bring on the country! Me and José Cuervo, we will listen objectively, with peace in our hearts.

Time to open Lady Chardonnay's Mail Bag! (not to be confused with Lady Chardonnay's Man Purse, of which I have none, though Mr. Lady Chardonnay does, and believe me, he is mocked for it)

Why do call yourself Lady Chardonnay? Are you really such a boozehound?
So glad you asked. Certainly I enjoy a tipple from time to time, as who among us does not? But "Lady Chardonnay," alas, is not original to me. Mr. Lady C and I once spent a glorious evening browsing among the fine works displayed at The Museum of Bad Art (http://www.museumofbadart.org/) . . . and there she was: "The Lady Chardonnay." She was beautiful. She spoke to me. She was, in short, everything I wanted to be.

And now, I am her. She is me. Life is good.

Lady C, don't you know alcoholism is a disease?
No, but I know all five verses of Suicide Is Painless. Won't you sing along?

Ha, kidding.
------------------------------
Country Night. Expect lots of random kicking. Oh, and: shoot me now.

Lady Chardonnay OUT.

Country?!

Bucky and Kelli have been doing country night every night! Now we have to tolerate country from everyone? NOT my favorite music.
I wonder what Chris will do with this challenge.

Other than having country night, everything is still going according to my plan.

Love & kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

Grating

grater,
originally uploaded by thejoyofidol.

This little picture came up when I googled Ace + scar. I don't know why, but since the songs were all grating on my ear it seemed approproate.

So the theme seemed to be "Songs Barb Has Never Heard". One or two sounded vaguely familiar but nothing that I could hum to.

Lisa sang Kelly and since I have never heard Kelly it meant nothing to me. She sounded terrific. Her hair was pretty too. But I suppose she's going home tonight.

Kellie sounded like hell singing the stupidest song ever. I am so over her. But my younger son has started calling his teacher Miss Pickler because her first name is Kellie. Hee.

Ace creeped me out to a degree I can't even articulate by showing us a REAL SCAR! The cheesy-ness of doing this because the lyrics mention a scar is just stupid! He must be a brainless troll. Could someone have possibly told him that this was a good idea? If Mandisa goes home before him I will be cruel to good looking stupid people forever. (This is one of the songs I had actually heard before - but it still sucked.)

Taylor didn't bug me at all. The song sounded vaguely familiar and I actually agreed with Paula that it was nice to just see him stand there and sing.

Mandisa was all gospel-y and I still love her. Apparently Jesus and I are the only ones.

Chris' light show gave me another seizure this week and he sounded more constipated than talented to me. I am with Lady C., this "Cream" or what-have-you is some hard rock that will lead kids down the rocky road to smoking the pot and petting.

Kat sounded wonderful singing a song that I have never heard by X-tina (Bwah! I feel silly just typing it.) I hate this sort of riff-y shit, but she did it well.

Bucky both looked and sounded as stupid as some folks say he is. I didn't mind him and I hope this doesn't send him home. But it was pretty lame.

I though Paris was a hoot! The song seemed dirty to me. Did it seem dirty to you? But she looked cute with her little round face and her fake hair. And her dancing was adorable too.

Elliot sounded good, as always but he moves me not even the tiniest bit. He is like the boy-Lisa. I know he sings but I don't remember it.

I am going with the popular opinion that Lisa is going home - but it could be Bucky or Chris.

I'm just kidding about Chris.

Brunie -OUT!

Her name is Lisa, she's not Kelly

What a weird show. I only liked and voted for Taylor, Katherine, Elliot, Chris and Paris. Although, I did not love anyone's performance. There are so many great songs from this century - why didn't any of the kids choose to sing them?

Lady C. - Cream is not a 21st century band. (It is painful what I must endure with her rock "knowledge".) I agree that jeans and Mandisa do not mix.

Lisa is going home tonight. She sang a bad karaoke version of Kelly Clarkson's song. Goodbye, Dear. You will have a very nice life without us.

Love & kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered

[Alternate titles for today's post included WTF?, What Simon Sez, and If This Is Music, What's That Stuff Cole Porter Wrote?]

I hated last night's show. Something is deeply wrong in the world when Lisa—Lisa!—is my second favorite of the night! And one of only three performances I can even stand!

(I liked Taylor quite a bit. Kellie didn't do anything for me, but she also didn't make me wince, shudder, or mute the TV, so that was something.)

After my usual thoughtful, serious, and contemplative meditation on life, I came to the conclusion that the music of the 21st century COMPLETELY. FREAKIN'. BLOWS. Clearly, I was not the target audience.

Mandisa and Katharine may have been wonderful, I don't know the songs they sang, so those weird, off notes could actually be right-on and true. Gah! What a disappointment. Same with Elliott, though his herky-jerky "dance" moves were at least a distraction from the discordance.

Bucky and Kellie both sang country songs and both suddenly kicked their feet at what seemed odd times. Is this a country thing?

Paris said she was going to be young again, and I got all excited; then she came out looking like a 26-year-old hooker, and I grew sad and confused. Didn't like the song, hated her bumpy-grindy rendition of it. Pussycat Dolls, indeed.

Ace sang all in his nose. His scar hurt me.

I am angry with Mandisa's stylist, who keeps putting her in jeans. This is not a great look for her. She can be gorgeous and sexy, so why not go for it? It doesn't have to be a ball gown every week. Even well-cut black pants would look better.

I liked Lisa's song okay and thought she sang it nicely and with a lot of passion. Though it was a bit jarring to see her sudden switch from emoting her heart out to twinkling at the judges, like the adorable 16 year old she is. I did vote for her, but weakly.

Taylor sang beautifully and looked great. I appreciated that he sat still and just let us enjoy that voice of his. I voted for Taylor, and it was heartfelt. I feel sure that the final tally will reflect this. ("Lisa, you're safe this week, but don't get too comfy. Unlike Taylor.")

And Chris. Chris! My least favorite of the night, and possibly the only time I've ever muted Idol. Okay, I didn't actually mute it, but I turned the volume down to 4, which is almost the same, when you consider that 7 is my usual Idol volume.

When Chris said that he was singing Creed, I started to panic, then realized I was thinking of Cream. (At this point Mrs. Cynicletary is rolling her eyes, saying, "See what I have to put up with?" My rock 'n' roll ignorance never fails to both amuse and dismay her.) So then he started singing and I realized, hey, Creed, Cream, it really doesn't matter, it all falls under the umbrella I lovingly call "big ugly wall of noise," and I dove for the remote.

I agreed with almost everything Simon said, and that's never a good sign.

I don't even care who goes home tonight. (I can say this because I know it won't be Mandisa, who I still love and adore, despite her fashion faux pas and God flogging. I love God too, but honey? Enough.) I've suffered a grievous blow to the spirit, and someone should be punished!

Yuck. That's my closing word.

Lady Chardonnay OUT.

Entertainment Weekly's Perfect TV Week

ewprimtime,
originally uploaded by thejoyofidol.

Assuming that you have nothing else to do with your evnings than watch television... (click on the picture to view a larger size)

I don't know what to think about the fact that they assume that GG and VM fans aren't out having exciting adventures on Saturday nights. Maybe they think we are so cool that we don't go out until after 10 pm! (Those days are gone...)

And I already take their "watch 5 minutes of Idol on Wednesday" advice. I'm so bright!

Brunie, OUT!

1950s - The Golden Age of Propaganda and Manipulation

1950s,
originally uploaded by thejoyofidol.

I enjoyed this week and I am thrilled to see Kevvie go (althought I think he gave his best performance this week) but I really saw the puppetmaster's strings this week.

"Bucky must go!" read the memo from the puppetmaster "And make sure Kellie and Ace stay!" and the fine folks at AI did what they could to make it happen. They put the big guns up front. And nobody has bigger guns than Mandisa!

She was hot and awesome and brilliant singing "I Don't Hurt Anymore". Even Simon had to admit that she was sexy as hell. And you know Simon hates the large.

(And Lady C. reminded me of a funny story. Last year or the year before they sent a sad-song-singing big-girl to Hollywood but she made the mistake of singing "I'm So Excited" and got sent home. Lady C said, "Simon doesn't like to hear fat girls sing that they are excited about sex." And I replied, "He perfer they sing that they are excited about pie." Now that I type this I realize it was much funnier when Lady C said it out loud. But it was a lot of typing and I'm not going to erased it now. So suck it up...)

So Mandisa kicked it hard. Then they made Bucky follow her with "oh, boy" (the lack of capitalization is on purpose). He sounded fine - as many have before him. As others did this very night. But the judges ripped him a new one. Okay, not ripped, but you could tell Simon was trying desperatly not to say "plane ticket home" on the off chance that it would make people pity-vote.

Then came little French-y. Paris, of Paris - I had nearly forgotten why I like you so much. She sang "Fever" like she had been doing it forever. Classy, sultry, sparkly, amazing. She looked impossibly beautiful, too. I loved it.

Chris came out and sang something that had a vague tie to Johnny Cash. He sounded great and very much like he has every week. The light show almost made me have a seizure like those Japanese children who were watching Pokemon.

Kat sounded great and looked beautiful, but she seems so forgettable to me. Don't get me wrong - she is really really talented and I think she has a real shot. She just doesn't hook me like my personal top 4 - Mandisa, Paris, Chris and - next up - Taylor.

Taylor was less irritating this week, but his song choice was bad. It sounded great, but there just wasn't much too it. I wasn't too worried about him being sent home.

Then we entered dullsville. The singers who were positioned to make the other slightly less dull singers sound better by comparison.

Lisa, Kevin and Elliot - the expendables. Everybody knows they're going - its just the order of departure that is a mystery. They were all fine. Kevin actually picked a really good song and sounded good. Elliot sounded good and made no impression on me with "Teach Me Tonight" and I remember that Lisa exists, but that's about it.

So after the doldrums came Kellie who did sound great and look trashy but not too trashy singin "Walking After Midnight". It sounded more like "I go walking after midnight with a fifth of burbon towards a roadhouse where I am going to meet a trucker or two and have some really dirty revenge sex" than "I'm walking because I miss you" but whatever - it worked.

Then Ace sang "In the Still of the Night" which sounded fine. But I am not a fan of the Ace . He has weird facial tics and gets mor Constantinified every week.

And then the next night Kevin went home. Seriously, that is all I saw. I was watching "Veronica Mars" as any sane person would be doing - and I switched channels just long enought to see Bucky and Kevin blinking away before commercial. Then I switched back to see Kevin singing. And I was pleased.

Brunhildecrow, OUT!

Everything continues to go to Mrs. Cynicletary's plan...

Fine work, America.

Next week, Lisa.

To Lady C. re Barry - I'll color you a square out on a limb! (I kid because I love. Lady C. Not Barry.)

Kevin Must Have Earache Tonight . . .

Ah, well. A sweet boy with a perfectly nice voice, but out of his league, big time. As are the less-versatile Bucky and Lisa, both of whom I now like very much. But this year, you really see the difference that age and experience can make, don't you? When Mandisa or Taylor or Chris are up there on stage, in addition to their mondo talent, they also communicate a sense of gravitas. They're singing their lives with their words, and the younger kids just can't compete with that. Except for our other teenager, the "good Paris," who is clearly an old soul.

After Bucky and Lisa, I would think that the pretty-but-limited Ace would go next. But I'm out of the prediction biz now; I spent a lovely winey lunch hour yesterday explaining to Mrs. Cynicletary that Kevin is the John Stevens of our day (our day being: 2006) and will be around longer than either she or I can imagine. I have the prediction ability of a yam.

And speaking of yams (i.e.: sweet, wholesome things), there's Kellie. I like Kellie-the-girl, always have, though a little of her goes a long way. I hate feeling her shoved down my throat. (I'm generally busy drinking; get out of my throat, Pickler.) And Simon's comment that he prefers her to last year's winner = what the heck? But I must admit, because I am all about accuracy: She is getting better. She's benefiting from the vocal training and improving her game. Her rendition of "Walkin' After Midnight" was really good, and I don't say that lightly, I LOVE me some Patsy Cline. (and how could Barry not know that song?!)

Hey, speaking of Barry (all my roads do seem to lead there, don't they): Yeah, I'll never go out on a limb defending his looks. At my parents' house, he's held the title of Rat Face since I fell in love with him at age 15. I once gave my mom a coffee mug for Christmas in the shape of a mouse (mice are "her" animal); she opened it, and Dad cried, "Look! A Barry Manilow mug!" That thing still exists today, next to the sink, holding an SOS pad, and is still called The Barry Manilow Mug.

So—not a looker. On so many levels. But that music! that voice! that showmanship! Color me squarely out on that particular limb.

Lady C, still in love almost three decades later, and OUT.

Cringe free entertainment

As much as Barry Manilow makes me want to spit up a bit, he was so great with all the kids last night. It really is one of my favorite parts of the show, when the kids learn from seasoned professionals, legends even, and we can really see the results of these very special private lessons. I love watching the kids grow into professionals. And I love when someone can step up and perform well in the face of great pressure. It's the same reason why I like sports. You've only got a few minutes to bring all of your training and practice to fruition. But I digress...

Mandisa - awesome-o! She looked fantastic! She sounded great! You just have to love her - even Simon acknowledged that she's sexy.
Chris - you just get hotter, and doing the faithful-to-my-woman thing will only make other women want you even more. A terrible irony. Great job of making Walk the Line work, Baby!
Paris - the cutest little talent bundle! She finally showed us what she can do - what a voice! She will leave us breathless someday soon.
Bucky - just an OK job - he will probably be in the bottom three tonight. He's very likeable though.
Katherine - beautiful, although I expected Simon to say she seemed a little old. She will go a long way.
Elliot - what a difficult song to sing, and he did extremely well with it. He is super-talented, and I really like him.
Lisa - very cute, well sung, but she just does not move me. I think she will be in the bottom three also.
Kevin - very high school musical as Simon said. He just is not the American Idol. He will be in the bottom three as well.
Taylor - there just wasn't enough singing in that song, but he performed well, and is losing weight fast.
Kelli - she was super cute and sounded great, except for the french r rolling thing she did - like she had a french accent - did anyone else notice that?
Ace - much better than last week. But how weird is it to have a four year old think you're cute?

All in all, a very good show and no one made me cringe. Not even Barry Manilow.

Love & kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

He Is Music! He Does Write the Songs!

Breaking news: This week's guest judge is Barry Manilow! Color me delirious!!!!

Last year, I was Caller 13 and won free tickets to see him, so Brunie and I enjoyed a glorious evening of moaning, clutching each other, and sighing. (She is a fan, though not so rabid as I, but even she was overcome by his showmanship.) A cute moment: Barry played the opening notes to "Weekend in New England," and we, the New England audience, erupted in hysteria. Barry waited a few beats and then said, dryly, 'No kidding."

Oh! How I love him!!

Lady Chardonnay, over the moon and OUT.

Melissa's Goin' Home

trailerpark,
originally uploaded by thejoyofidol.

Well, I didn't get to see last night's results show but I figured Melissa was on her way out for FORGETTING THE FREAKING WORDS! And my students assured me this morning that this was the case.

But my inability to keep up with the fast pace of Idol-hood shall in no way impede my desire to bore you all with my bitchy opinions about Wednesday night's show.

I think I will assign each contestant a task for the after-life based on their performance.

ACE - Oh, he shall be responsible for feeding the hounds of hell their worm medecine. And checking their parts. He was so foul singing "Do I Do?" That he must pay, oh he must pay...

KELLIE - Every time I think of Kellie I think "she was fine". So I suppose she should do something with fines. Maybe she'll be a meter-maid in purgatory. Not good, not bad - dullish but with a cute outfit.

ELLIOT - I can't even read my notes with the name of the song. He sounded good but looked funny. I am sorry I can't get around it. He will be the dental hygenist for all the British people in heaven.

MANDISA - I can no longer be objective. I love her so much - she will get pedicures with Mrs. C, Lady Char and I every Tuesday afternoon in Paradise.

BUCKY - He will sing the National Anthem at all the NASCAR races on the streets of gold for admitting he couldn't pick a Stevie song out of a line-up and then going nuts for "Superstition". And it will be the National Anthem of heaven, not America so no accusing me of being xenophobic.

MELISSA - She will have the pretty pink trailer on the trashier side of heaven. Near the snake handlers. (I'm kidding, KIDDING!)

LISA - She sang "Signed Sealed Delivered" and earned herself a spot as the postmistress who makes deliveries from one world to another. She will live in heaven, but her boyfriend will be an unbaptized baby.

KEVIN - I think that when he goes to college and realizes how people respond to his "fame" this will be his own personal hell. And the shock and mild horror I felt at seeing him sing "Part Time Lover" will be but a memory for me.

KAT- She won't be able to make pedicure Tuesdays, but she can meet us for drinks after. She kicked ass at "'Til You Come Back To Me" the best justification of stalking ever.

TAYLOR - Will be responsible for fetching things for Ray Charles, Joe Cocker and every other scratchey-voiced tick-y singer from whom he has stolen his schtick. But he did just well enough with "Just Enough" to get in.

PARIS - You know that she sings like a cute little angel and will continue to do that onve she passes through the pearly gates. But if she ever sings to Ryan after she finishes her song again, it will make me hope she starts sooner rather than later.

CHRIS - "Higher Ground" sounded good, and I like him. He will get to design the afterlives for the people who gave him a hard time when he was in customer service.

I look forwards to 50's night. I hope somebody sings "Little Darlin'" by the Diamonds. It rules.

Brunie OUT!

*** It should be apparent that this flight of fancy in no way represents Ms Crow's actual expectations of life after death and she deeply apologizes to anyone living or dead who is offended by it.

So far everything has gone to Mrs. Cynicletary's plan...

Nice job voting, America!
Ace and Lisa - step it up!
Can't wait until next Tuesday!

This Is Dedicated to the One I Love

Sweet Melissa . . . girl, I'm sad for you. I did what I could, I singlehandedly got you into the Top 12, but after that, babe—as I say to my husband all the damn time, "I will do all the vacuuming, you just need to pick up your feet!" You can't be forgetting the words, hon. Not now, not ever, and especially not on live TV. This is the time to bring your A game, and if you can't run with the big dogs, best stay on the porch. And a heartfelt huzzah! to anyone who followed all my metaphors here.

So she's gone, and in a way it's a relief. I'm willing to hit redial till my pointer finger grows weary, but there are so many great voices this season, and I'm just not ready to pick the one favorite who will, in weeks to come, drive me to the precipice of obsession and hold my hand while I jump. I know that day is coming, but I'm determined to savor the pre-madness stage as long as I can. This will be a relief to Mrs. Cynicletary, who was driven to her own kind of madness by my Anthony adoration last year. (She didn't like Bo either. There is no pleasing the heartless.)

My Big Four are Elliott of the smooth-as-butter voice, Katherine, a lovely and controlled singer who is also such a giggly goofball, Chris (which shocks me! I used to be frightened of Chris!), who I fall deeper in love with every week, and my dearest darling Mandisa, who I'm also in love with. (I identified most with Ayla, the goal-focused driven girl, but Mandisa is the one I'd be BFFs with.) Chris and Mandisa, Mandisa and Chris, I want to have their bald black babies, how I love them so!

I love Taylor when he sings, but when he's not singing I need to slap him. And, sometimes he's not singing. That's all.

The beauty part is, I don't hate any of them. I've mellowed on Bucky, who has his own kind of possum-loving gap-toothed charm, I'm enjoying Kevin's sweet sass (now that I'm sure he's in on the joke, rather than being mocked on live television), Kellie and Ace are mighty pretty, despite their vocal limitations, and Lisa, who doesn't stir my heart, is nonetheless a fine singer. I would be happy if this nice group of 11 sang me through the spring. I may just skip Wednesdays and pretend they don't happen. And then say things to myself like, "Kevin must have earache tonight . . . that's why he's not here."

Baby, I'm on to something!

Lady Chardonnay, blowing a kiss to Melissa the dear departed, and otherwise OUT.