Sunday, April 30, 2006

Mr. Donnie Hathaway

Well shame on me for not knowing about Donnie Hathaway! I assumed by his name and by the way that Elliot sang "A Song For You" that he was some smarmy former boy-band guy like Bobby Brown or Justin Timberlake. In reality, he has a beautiful voice which I have enjoyed in the past in "The Closer I Get to You" with Roberta Flack.
And having listened to his version of "A Song For You" I think that Randy, Paula and Simon should have ripped Elliot a new one for singing it not half as well as the original. And the Hathaway version has a beautiful piano part, simple and lovely. Not the over produced crap-fest we usually get from the AI Band.
Love and kisses,
Brunie

Friday, April 28, 2006

Love is Blind (Insert Andrea Bocelli joke here)

Another fascinating night of songs I wouldn't recognize if they smacked me in the face with a mackerel.

First up, Kat impressed me! Not just her gravity defying bosoms and her mastery of double sided tape - but her actual singing! I loved "I Have Nothing", a song that no one believes I never heard of before. Listen, 1993 I was busy with a newborn. I didn't even turn on the radio. I listened to Nina Simone and the sounds of crying and spitting up. I am pretty sure the aforementioned newborn enjoyed Kat's "gifts". The judges were pretty harsh.

Elliot sang a song I never heard of ("A Song for You". For me? Well, thanks...) by an artist I never heard of! Who is this Donnie Hathaway person and why do I not know him? Just how old am I? He sounded good, as ever. I cracked up when Simon said in parts it seemed like a master class in singing. Puh-lease! It sounded nice. That's it.

Kellie was fine, as ever singing "Unchained Melody". And yet the judges turned on her like a bunch of addicts on a PCP bender. Like a mama bear defending her cub. Like an old French whore. Maybe I will stop asking my spouse for random metaphors for crazy people. At any rate - they were mean and she hung her head and said she deserved it. That girl was born to apologize.

Paris was delightful with her flippy '70s hair singing "The Way We Were". Lady C. made me laugh and laugh discussing the crazy ways they used to do things back a long time ago when Paris was young. Can it be that it was all so simple then? I love Princess P and I will cry and cry next week when they send her home.

Taylor, who usually irritates me whenever he is not singing, managed to irritate me while singing by boring-up a favorite song of mine, "Just Once" which throws me back in time to the days when I would make out behind the roller skating rink on Christian Youth night in the early '80s. It was so much simpler then... Now the guy that owns the rink throws rocks at me and threatens to call the police. Anyway - Taylor was dull. And I loathe him. And I hope Mrs.C is right and he goes home. Unless he doesn't stink next week.

"Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman?" Chris has. He really, really has. And he can sing about it real pretty-like.

Wednesday was 14 hours worth of boring stuffed into a 30 minute sack. Everything sucked except for the look on Taylor's face when he realised that he was either only the third or fourth vote getter of the night. You could totally tell that he thought that he and Elliot were the top two. Heh...

Kellie was fine about leaving and I wish her the best. My heart broke a little for her (not really, that is a metaphor, one I picked out myself with no help from the Metaphor Master I married) when she said that she was no longer ashamed of how she was brought up or something like that. It was kind of sweet and I choose to believe that she is a little smarter than she lets on, but genuinely nice.

Oh how I hope anybody but Paris goes home next week.

Brunie, OUT!

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Kellie, Kellie, Kellie, Kellie, K-E-L-L-I-E...

(as sung by Woody on Cheers, another great love song our Idolettes inexplicably shunned)

So America didn't pick Pickler after all. I'm not sorry, but neither am I dancing in the streets. The schtick got old, for sure, but (I fear I must quote Simon), "she's a nice gull." I see a big career for Kellie as a fine-dining reporter in Albemarle ("I enjoyed a yummy sall-mon fillette . . . wait, what? Fill-ay? No, silly, there's a 'T' in it!"). Happy trails, Kellie belle.

Lady Chardonnay OUT.

Up with America!

I am so very pleased that America did the right thing! Hurray! My faith is restored. Not in the American administration, but in the American people. Some of the people. Who voted Tuesday night. Not for Kelli. Yes, I love them!

I will have to change my name if this level of sagacity keeps up. Next, Taylor goes. Then we're in a pickle. (But not a Pickler, thank God!)

Extra patriotic love and kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Love, American (Idol) Style

(Truer than the red, white, and blu-u-ue!)

Yeah, what kind of Love-In doesn't include "Endless Love"? "Love, soft as an easy chair / Love, fresh as the morning air"? "Theme from freakin' Love Boat" ?! (You know—MY formative love songs?!) But that is pretty much my biggest gripe, so for today I'll color myself: generally happy with just a pinprick of ennui.

A pretty good night, I thought. And I liked that Simon Legree music producer. Well, actually, I didn't like him at all, he was a nasty mean snake man, except when he was salivating over Andrea Bocelli—but he worked wonders with our baby Idols, as much or more than Coach Manilow, even, and I give him full props for that. And my mental image of deeply abashed Chris singing while prone is going to tickle me for a good time yet.

Because it's my headline news, I'll start with this: I didn't hate Kellie!

But now I need to back up and tell everyone: If someone gets voted out tonight, it's all Brunie's fault, because she called me at every single commercial of Veronice Mars, aka My Natural Voting Time, and kept me from my rightful duty. And also, I wasted all my funny throwing her into void-inducing hysterics, so I have nothing left for this blog, nothing! But she promises to spackle all the gaps in my humor memory, and for those who remember her peppy anecdote about big girls singing longingly of pie, you know how relieved I am.

Yeah.

But I digress.

Kellie did make an unfortunate hair choice, and that one freaky high note that Simon Legree put her up to—'kay, she should never do that again, EVER—but generally, I thought she sounded pretty good. Except that is one boring-ass song unless sung by a hottie who's about to rip your clothes off and you're just biding your time on a pottery wheel or something.

I don't know what the judges had up their collective asses this week, but I thought Katherine was great. I thought of Whitney exactly NEVER. Katherine got my vote. (In the metaphorical sense, because I never could get through on either of her lines, in the eensy window of time I had between Veronica and tooth-brushed oblivion.)

Elliot, I'm over my little crush, but I do still love his golden voice. I get a Tony Bennett thing from him, even though I don't like Tony that much and I adore Elliot. But Tony is this little froggy man with a voice that people love, and that's kinda Elliot too, though he's more elfin than froggy. But I can't come up with an elfin golden-voiced counterpart. Maybe if Yoda hit the Vegas circuit. Anyway. I fear for Elliot tonight—his voice is first-rate, he just doesn't have the charisma of the other five (why, he's this year's Jessica Siera!). I was only able to get through once for Mr. E, but I've learned my lesson on that little "He's safe!" delusion. Well, we'll see.

Paris cracks me up. "I'm only 17, so I have to choose a love song carefully," she squeaks, and I think, "Girl, you are so smart and brilliant." Then she says, "I don't have love thoughts, only memories," and I giggle myself into another state. Memories? At 17? Of what, the Junior Prom?! Oh, Paris.

She sounded great. Her only misfortune was to sing a song I know so extremely very well that I could track every one of her mistakes, in particular, swallowing the wistful "Would we...?" to prepare for the belting of "MEMORIES...!!!!" that came a millisecond (read: way too soon) later. I also didn't like her gusty Al Gore sigh before the final note, though Mrs. Cynicletary thought it was cute.

Taylor....has peaked. Sorry.

And Chris—ohhh baby. Chris was fine, and not in the that's-the-best-we-can-say-about-that-peformance way. Chris was supah fine!!!! Love me some Chris. I managed to get through only once for him as well. Make of this what you will.

(Hee. Chris prone. And abashed. Hee.)

So Love Night, on the whole, didn't suck. But still—I continue to say that the themes this year are hella weird. Bring on Motown Night, already!

Lady C, preparing to say a sad goodbye to someone (Brunie's fault, remember), and OUT.

Kelli's gettin' smelly

Ok, this is the third week in a row that Kelli has not sung well. She was boring, out of breath a little, and just off in some places. I hate that stupid song anyway. So, she may be cute and charming and perfect for sit-coms, but, as even Paula had to admit, her time has come. She did not even look cute with the flipped-back hair and boring outfit. If she does not go home tonight I will be cranky with the injustice of it all.

Katherine - I thought she did well, better than the judges thought she did. She should stay.
Elliot - Really well done. I still like him a lot.
Taylor - He looks so tense and uncomfortable to me. Do you notice how he has trouble just looking into the camera? He gets all shifty-eyed like Nixon in the Kennedy debate.
Paris - Excellent singing. It is like she's a 50 year old woman in a 12 year old body. She sounded tremendous.
Chris - Fantastic! Another excellent performance.

In a righteous world the bottom three would be Kelli, Taylor and Katherine with Kelli going home. My final four pick is Chris, Paris, Elliot and Katherine. But, I could be foiled by those rabid Taylor/Kelli-ites. We'll see.

xxoo,
Mrs. Cynicletary

Friday, April 21, 2006

Aces away

Goodbye, Ace. You're a good kid, great looks - you'll be fine. See you in the Dentyne commercials.

Kelli should go next, but I'm afraid America is voting for her hotness versus her talent. We will see.
Love songs next week - could be a good night.

Love & kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Taylor is special...

And when I say that - I mean short-bus special. How is he hiding his natural stupidity? When they pulled the whole "alienate three of the people you must spend the next 5 weeks with by voicing your opinion about their performances on national tv" he didn't even bad an eye. He even CHEATED by shaking Chris' hand until he heard Ryan say "Sorry..." and then went to he other side! I loathe him. It would have been so easy to say, "This isn't survivor, dude - it doesn't matter what I think." Or to just say to Ryan - "Well, I'm pretty sure you're going to be here next week so I will just stay here by you..."

The only think that keeps me from being filled with loathing for him personally is that he kind of had that "deer in the headlights" look that made me think that they had warned everyone that if it came to that they would have to choose.

Bo did it with class last year when he refused to choose.

That being said - I did like his performance Tuesday, particularly the last half of the song.

And I loved Paris the very most.

I thought Kat was wonderful, but no better than Paris.

Kellie sounded great to me and looked fantastic. But when she got ahead of the music at the end and Simon dropped his head into his arms, I had the very same response. Yeah, I think she should go home next - but she won't.

Elliot and Chris sounded good but were dull as dirt.

And Ace got what was coming to him...

Chris in the bottom three? Time to vote people.

And finally - my confession:

While Kat was still singing I decided to pre-vote for Paris so that I could just hit re-dial over and over during Veronica Mars. Well, my call went through and thanked me for voting. So I voted for her 12 times while Kat was still singing. I don't know if it counted, but it made me feel like a rebel; a loose cannon, baby!

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Happy Songbook minus Kelli

I agree with Lady C. - what a wonderful night. I love it when (almost) everyone does a great job. (See Kelli below)

Chris was so touching and earnest - lovely! And we had just made a Louie Armstrong recipe for Creole Red Beans and Rice for dinner. We were feeling the whole Louie vibe!
Paris - Very sweet but she could have kicked it up another notch. I keep waiting for her to really bring the house down.
Elliot - beautiful voice. I wanted him to really go nuts with some vocal fireworks though. I voted for him a couple of times. His line was quite busy, so I hope he's safe.
Taylor - It was OK. He seems somehow uncomfortable. He grinds his teeth and twitches like someone who takes a lot of speed. Maybe he's taking diet pills??
Ace - eh. See ya.
Kelli - Awful - just terrible. After an OK beginning she went way off pitch and she really blew it. If there is any justice she will go home as her past two performances have not been good.However, I fear that justice is not in the cards tonight.
Katherine - Wow. Fantastic! I love that song and she just gets more and more gorgeous every week. She was so cute and vulnerable. All the Kelli fans need to ditch her and get on the Katherine bandwagon. She's just as cute as Kelli, but less stupid with a better voice!

I hope that Ace goes tonight although it should be Kelli.

Love & kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

At Last!

What a wonderful night! Loved it, loved it, loved it. Our darlings should make a CD of standards right this very minute and forget all this other nonsense.

I agree with Simon that Katharine blew the rest of them away, but still. Everyone performed well. I felt like a proud little momma, watching my babies shine. What a wonderful night!

Besides Katharine, I thought Chris was especially fine (is it possible to do a bad version of that song? Even Willie Nelson, whom I usually loathe, sang it beautifully in Michael, the John Travolta angel movie), and Paris and Ace did very well. I may be alone in liking Kellie's version of "Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered"—I thought it was a nice fit with her (limited) voice and (totally put-on) vulnerability. Yes, I am having no luck dealing with my Kellie irritation. Maybe next week.

My two disappointments were Taylor and Elliott, even though they were each "fine." (The F-word! The dreaded F-word!) My expectations for both men are high, and neither one knocked it out tonight. And I'm mad at Elliott for choosing a boring song. I'm not worried about Taylor; his fans will pull him through. But Elliott—baby, you needed a solid gold performance tonight, and that just wasn't it.

But oh well. They can't all win, and I know the out-of-her-league Kellie won't be budging any time soon, so someone has to go, much as I hate it. Have we ever had such a musically satisfying Top 7 before?!

I can't say enough about Katharine's performance of "Someone to Watch Over Me." It may be the best thing I've ever heard on Idol. Beautiful voice, beautiful song, she brought so much personality to it, and she looked absolutely gorgeous (yes, I am Paula). Just—wow.

What a wonderful night! Rod Stewart! Who'd a thunk it?

Lady Chardonnay, all aglow and OUT.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

acceptable

Taylor and Kelli really must have the aforementioned psycho fan bases, because the two of them should have been in the bottom three last night. Elliot - no way bottom three! Lady C., never gloat about how safe he is again! Ace could have gone and I would have been fine with that. I accept Bucky going too. Of course, I think Bucky did a good job on Tuesday, better than Kelli and Taylor, but, as I've said before, he is not the American Idol. Good luck to him and all his folks back home. Yeehaw.

Clearly we have to vote like the dickens for Elliot. Unless of course, he sings badly in which case I would become stone cold and not vote for him. I think he will be fantastic next week. This is the annoying phase of the competition when people vote personality and not performance. I also think that going first is a disadvantage on Idol. Bucky went first last time. I think Mandisa went first before that. Going last is very helpful. People remember better what happened two minutes ago versus say, a whole 45 minutes ago. Paris was last and she managed to stay out of the bottom three even though her song was wack!

All in all, an acceptable decision by America.

Another aging rocker next week!

Happy Easter/Passover/Spring,
Mrs. Cynicletary

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Is the queen of whom you speak?

queen
queen,
originally uploaded by thejoyofidol.
I am so uninterested in the music of Queen that I am surprised I recognize any of these songs. Even more surprised that I actually enjoy a few. Alas, I am under whelmed enough that I will be doubling up on paragraphs so I don't come as close to falling asleep while writing about it as I did watching in.

Bucky starts out with "Fat-Bottom Girls" - the song of my people. He is quite good. Sadly - he is followed by Ace. I laughed when one of the Queensmen - I don't know who, Freddie Mercury is the only one I ever recognized - refused to crap-ify "We Will Rock You" in the flash back. Way not to sell out. Except for the appearing on American Idol part.

Kellie Pickler (or Kellie Goes Goth-ler as Frank called her) makes me kind of like her with "Bohemian Rhapsody". It is weird as hell, but it amuses me as little else did. Chris on the other hand is forgettable with "Innuendo" and if they throw one more stupid-ass light show on stage with him I will send them a package of vomit. Hmmm... Perhaps that is a little harsh.

Kat sings something that made absolutely no impression on me at all but she looked great doing it. And she is followed by the amazing Elliott. He sounds great on "Somebody to Love". I do like this song and he makes it sound great.

Taylor is a freak of nature, but I'm not saying anything you don't already know if you've watched this show for more than 2 minutes. He sounds okay but has a full on seizure on stage. He flails at the music stand and runs amok as if tiny monkeys are pulling his hair and poking him with sticks. And to top it off he is singing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" which is a stupid stupid song. But I live through it. Then along comes Paris and sings "The Show Must Go On" which sounds fine - but her look is what kills me. I love how she plays dress-up. She is really playing with the show's idea of a different theme more than anyone else. She looks more like her song than anyone. Kat and Kellie try to look hot. Chris tries to look cool. Elliot tries to look healthy. Taylor tries to look young. Ace tries to look straight. And Bucky tries to look like his parents weren't cousins. But Paris changes from week to week and I am a total sucker for it. She doesn't have to sing well - although she can - she just needs to show up and not be too stupid with Ryan and I am all hers.

I hope that TWop is right and it is Ace who will be returning to near obscurity this evening.

Brunie - OUT!

Bitchy Queens

Queen night was not as bad as it could have been. Except for Kelli. Was she completely out of her mind to sing Bohemian Rhapsody? Her "rendition" was horrible. Could she stop trying to walk all over the stage in giant heels? One of these nights she will fall on her cute little ass. And enough with the stupid girl comments, "on payper - whut does thayat mean?" Is she trying to be the new Jessica Simpson? And how bitchy were those Queen guys - I won't do that to my song - yikes!

Bucky - a fine job, really. He's an ok kid.
Ace - I expected a nightmare, got a mild dream instead. He did not embarrass himself.
Chris - I love him still.
Katherine - beautiful voice, beautiful girl, mediocre song
Elliot - I agree with Lady C - not as rabidly, but I really do like his voice and his unpretentious manner
Taylor - I just did not like his performance at all.
Paris - it was weird like Simon said. I love her, but the performance was not so good

I voted for Chris, Elliot and Katherine. It is so hard to tell the bottom three. I think that it should be Paris, Kelli and Taylor, although I think that Taylor and Kelli have giant psycho fan bases who vote all night. Paris may go tonight, which would be a shame becaue she has not yet given the performance that I know she can give. Maybe she is just too young still.

Re Lady Chardonnay's comment about cocktails as accessory. Yes, last year at our big luncheon I wore yellow and green and drank a pale green Gimlet. Yesterday, I wore pink and drank a pink gimlet. It's a fad that will grip the nation I'm sure, now that it's out -thanks a lot, Lacy C!

Love & kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

Knock, Knock. Who's There?

Katharine and Elliot, that's for sure–they aren't going anywhere tonight. I tried their lines, off and on, for the whole two hours and only got through once apiece.

I voted for Katharine because her voice sounded lovely and I felt that she needed my support. Didn't love the song, but—whatever. Katharine's my girl.

And as for Elliot—Elliot! Elliot! Elliot!—I may have found my new object of obsession, my Anthony 2006, the one I will manically hit "redial" for. I thought he sounded amazing last night. That gorgeous voice of his was pure gold. And he's looking better all the time and seemed comfortable and happy—he owned the stage. I LOVED his performance. And based on the 2 billion busy signals I got, he's safe as all giddyup this week.

Who else? Taylor—hmm. I'm curious to know what the Taylor fans thought. I suspect that if you love Taylor, you thought it was wonderful. I love Taylor's voice, but Taylor himself kinda irks me, and last night I mostly felt irked. Plus, hasn't that song been done to death on Idol? Ah, well. Taylor isn't going anywhere.

I enjoyed Ace, who wasn't nasal at all, and Bucky didn't bother me. Paris looked cute, but I'm with Simon here—a little weird.

I've learned that hard-rocker Chris is not my friend, so I cheerfully fast-forwarded through his performance after the second note and never looked back. (I was at a PTA meeting last night and couldn't watch in real time, but it was very nice because Elliot sang to me three times, which spells "happy!" in my book. And yes, I said PTA; Lady Chardonnay is a party girl by day and a PTA mom by night, which is one trippy schedule to maintain, I'll say that. Mrs. Cynicletary and I started partying at exactly 11:32 a.m. yesterday, and I hope she'll tell you all about her new plan to match her cocktails with her outfits.)

And then there was Kellie. Oh, lordy. HATED her performance. Hate, hate, hate, beyond all reason.

(As if my opinion on Kellie mattered one iota. I am feeling jaded and cynical.)

But then I think of Elliot and how completely totally all-out SAFE he is this week, and the world is happy and muffiny again.

Lady Chardonnay, giddy with her not-so-secret crush, and OUT.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

One Lady, One Vote

Upon reflection, I realize that I am a dip.

The whole point of the rabid voting is to encourage people's investment in the show. More investment in the show = more devoted viewership = more people watching the commercials, which is in fact the only reason the show exists. CDs, concert tickets, recording contracts, yada yada–they are but window dressing.

This concludes today's lesson in How the World Works 101. You're welcome!

Lady C OUT.

Monday, April 10, 2006

A Bright Star Falls

So sad. Mandisa was not only my favorite, she was also one of the best singers. It was not her time.

And yet, when it came down to her and Elliot, I found myself whispering "Mandisa . . . Mandisa . . ." over and over. Mandisa is poised, primed, and ready to be a star. I'm not worried about her. Elliot . . . Elliot needs a little more polishing, a little more exposure. He needs Idol right now more than Mandisa does. So even though I hate it—Elliot, Mandisa, and Paris, the most improbable bottom three ever—it could have been worse.

It's such an odd setup. The fact that we can vote more than once for anyone has always been a puzzle to me. If a rabid fan votes 300,000 times for Kellie Pickler, is that same fan going to buy more than one Kellie Pickler CD? Wouldn't you get a more accurate sense of how much support each candidate has if only one vote per candidate were allowed? I ask you.

(But I'm talking through my hat. Since I've never bought an Idol-related CD, ever, I am clearly not the show's target audience. Though last year I was wildly tempted to buy concert tickets for me and Mrs. Cynicletary, since she would hate it so much. The show, she loves. The post-show Idolettes, not so much.)

The themes this year are just plain weird. Queen? How sad I am not to see Kevin Covais attempt this. (Ha.) I'll have to content myself with Bucky. Ohhh, mama.

Good luck, Mandisa. It was a joy getting to know you. God bless.

Lady Chardonnay OUT.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

...about the going...

You know how I said yesterday that from now on the going gets tough? Well the going is now. Ouch. It is hard to lose Mandisa so soon. I did not like her last two performances, but she is a tremendous singer. I have no doubt that she will have a successful career all by herself. I predict that Jenny Craig will try to get their hands on her. (Goodbye Kirstie Alley.) God Bless Mandisa!

I also said that I was worried for Elliot, and with good reason apparently. Sheesh - what a tough bottom three.Mandisa, Elliot and Paris. They are all more talented than Ace, Kelli and Bucky. They need to whip out those flashy, spine tingling, hair raising vocals next week. Anybody can go at any time.

I must say that although Ryan is a little twerp, he has been rockin' the cool 60's syle suits lately. You have to be a little skinny guy to wear those- but he looks good, because he is!

Queen songs next week. Those are some truly difficult songs to sing. I bet Chris will rock this one. Elliot should sing something really difficult really well to stay on. I see Kelli folding under this pressure - she'll probably sing crazy little thing called love. And she has probably never heard of Queen before now! And what is Bucky going to do with Queen?! At least I'm not dreading it like country night.

Love & kisses to heartbroken Mandisa-ites,
Mrs. Cynicletary

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Yaaaaawning over you

What a bore. Another weird freakin' bore. I hate country night!
Taylor - so boring , Dude - what was up with that? No vote from me.
Mandisa - boring, a little off key at the beginning - jeans distract from your talent and concentrate focus on your pear-shape - don't you read our advice?!!
Elliot - heartfelt singing - I voted for him several times because his line was suspiciously not busy. I hope he stays, because he is very talented and we have not yet heard his best. As his hair grows out he looks better and better too.
Paris - Just OK, it seemed like the key was too low throughout most of the song. I think she could have/should have belted that one out of the park.
Chris - He is very sexy and I like him a lot.
Kelli - A good cute performance.
Ace - He's wearing a little thin for me. An OK performance but his schtick is getting stale.
Katherine - STUPID song, good performance. She could make any piece of crap song seem pretty good with her charm. She has even more feminine wiles than you, Mrs. B. Cow sex slave.
Bucky - You're OK, Dude - but you are not the American Idol.

All in all the show was uninspired. I am not sure who will go tonight. Bottom three, I'll guess Bucky, Taylor and Paris, although I'm nervous for my boy Elliot. From here on out the going gets tough.

Love & kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

Know When to Walk Away, Know When to Run

It wasn't as horrifying as I feared. Mostly—just kinda dull.

Some bright spots: Elliott sounded lovely. Chris sounded lovely and looked lovely and was lovely and I love him. Paris was adorable, though she sang "live" as though she were rhyming it with "breathe." ("How do I leeeeve without you?" Uh, just go? He'll catch up if he wants to.) Ace gave his second-best performance and reminded me why I originally liked him.

Some disappointments: Taylor should have been a shining star tonight, and instead he earned Kellie's F word, i.e.: "Fine." Mandisa didn't stir me at all. Katharine's song (thanks, Brunie, for the title; "Bringing Half the Everest in Me" made no sense at all) was hella weird.

I don't expect much from Bucky, and that's what he gave me.

Kellie's song cracked me up—a little bit "Love Child," a little bit "Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves." I think I'm so irritated by the packaging of Kellie that I can't be objective about her any more. She was—say it with me now—"fine."

For me, the Ryan v. Simon schtick has worn thin, to the point of oblivion. For every zinger that actually connects, there are 10 that are painfully stupid. I wish they would just get enjoy some X, have a little "encounter," and get it out of their systems already.

And I continue to dream . . .

Hopefully, Bucky goes tonight, and after that . . . it's all Heartbreak Hotel for this girl, since I want the Final 8 to sing to me till the end of time, even Ace—pretty, limited Ace.

Next week: Calypso Night! ha.

Lady Chardonnay OUT.

Country Correction

hat
hat,
originally uploaded by thejoyofidol.
I didn't realize that Lady C and Mrs. C had posted before the show aired. Since I didn't pay attention I can now say that I actually posted first about the just-aired episode and therefore am, in fact, devoted and clever. At least for a little while...

Yee Haw!

hat
hat,
originally uploaded by thejoyofidol.
For a pair of drunkards, Lady C and Mrs. C are very quick to post. I was all excited getting up at the crack of dawn thinking, "Finally, I will post first so that I look devoted and clever." Alas it is not to be...

So last night, while not entirely sucking, came very close. What is the list of songs that they can choose from? Once again, I knew two songs. And they were quite possibly the worst two songs of the night. Slave to chronology that I am, I will give you the old faithful Bruniecrow recap.

I used to imagine that John Denver and I lived in a little cabin on the side of a mountain in West Virginia. Yes, I was his Mountain Momma. And when we would visit Colorado we would say "Colorado Rocky Mountain, Hi!" But now I am glad he has become one with the universe or whatever because Tyler's "performance" would break his heart. Okay, I exaggerate. But it was deadly dull. And why does he clap for himself? Did he ride the short bus to school. (Not that there is anything wrong with that. If memory serves, the short bus had comfy seats and the restraints gave me a nice feeling of security.)

And dare I say Mandisa did nothing for me either? I still love her voice - but the song was stupid and for the love of all things holy LOSE THE JEANS! She sounded better to me in the round-up clip at the end, but still - no love here from me. Except from her top. Nice rack, Mandisa!

Elliot was in my personal top three this week. I was ironing (Is it country music night or are those the four horsemen of the apocalypse in my driveway?) and was thrilled to be hearing him without seeing him. The song had that weepy country feel that sometimes works and his voice was really good.

Paris disappointed me with the other song I recognized. Is "How Do I Live" really a country song? If that is the case than country sucks. She sounded fine, but my loathing for this song superceds all talent. And I did truly enjoy Paula getting booed while Simon got the cheers. Ryan seemed quite cheesed off. The drama...

This was the first Ace performance that I actually liked. It didn't make my top three because it is still, after all, Ace. But he sounded pretty good, bad diction aside. The trauma came for me when Frank created what he calls "The Ace Face" which is the most terrifying thing this kid has ever done. He pulls his lips into a huge grimace-smile and then the eyes - oh the eyes! - they are so big and devoid of thought. He only has to do it a little bit and I start screaming. I was going to post a picture of him doing it, but I don't want to emotionally scar anyone.

Fancy is a tale of a girl turned out as a prostitute by her Momma - sung by America's sweetheart, Kellie Pickler. It was too low and too garbled and if you didn't know the song already it made no sense at all and was stupid. So there.

Chris seemed nervous without his light-show this week. He sounded great singing an earnest love song. It reminded me of Jim Croce. He was also in my top three.

Kat made me love her. Not by singing "Bringing Out the Elvis in Me" which is a truly stupid song. But just by sheer force of her personality. She was dancing and acting a little goofy and a little sexy. I just like her. And when she said to Simon, "You just don't like country music. It's okay to say it." I thought that she said it in a very supportive way. Didn't like the song but I almost voted for her just for that.

(I don't, as a rule, vote because that would mean I take this seriously. As opposed to spending an hour writing about it...)

Finally, Bucky. I howled because Kenny Rodgers (who looks like he is going to get his birthday call from Willard Scott any day now) said it was important that he have good diction so that people knew what the song meant. Bucky, of course, don't need none of that confounded diction! He just mumbled and garbled his way through. That said, he sounded good and it struck me as a sweet, sad performance.

I could not pick who is going home for the life of me. If I had my druthers it would be Kelly or Ace, but I don't think America is playing it that way.

Brunhildecrow, OUT!

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

She's a Little Bit Country, He's a Little Bit Rock 'n' Roll

So TV Guide (raise your hand if the new format irks you—they've got 2 million pages now, they can't show me a whole day's worth of TV?) is predicting a Kellie v. Chris Smackdown, á la the Carrie v. Bo confrontation of yesteryear, if you make Carrie a sexier cartoon girl and Bo someone you might actually bring home to Mama. And if that happens . . . well, Kellie will win, that's all. The section of the country that finds Kellie vacuous and limited is smaller than the section that finds Chris threatening and . . . I'll stick with "threatening."

Granted, this is totally my opinion, and my opinions—while 100 percent factually correct—seem to be unshared by a whole lotta people, namely, U.S. voters. And, well, the Academy. (Did people not see Capote? Man. Crash? Are you kidding me?! But I digress.)

Mrs. Cynicletary swears that the best singers always win in the end . . . which I don't necessarily agree with. Kelly, sure. Ruben—it's subjective. He and Clay are both excellent singers. Fantasia—no freakin' way. La Toya was a much better singer. It came down to a cult of personality that year. Carrie—okay. I loved Bo and never warmed up to Carrie, but her pure talent was undeniable. What all that means for this year, I couldn't tell you.

And I screamed and threw things at the TV (in my head, I did) when Paula said, "You just have to keep voting for your favorites . . . for the whole two hours." Have a life much, Paula?

I'm not sure at what point I should mention that my very recent lunch comprised a lot of tequila. I was celebrating?

Maybe I was preparing for Country Night, which, like Mrs. Cynicletary, raises not one iota of hopefulness in me. Of course, I do love Patsy Cline. And that cute girl who sings "Passionate Kisses" (which my husband always misremembers as "Passionate Sisters," too funny)—I like her too. And I love to pretend to sing "Achy Breaky Heart," with lines like " . . . and then I'm gonna circumcise this man." But . . . that's about it. Still, unlike Mrs. Cynicletary (who is an older person), I am open-minded and bendy—bring on the country! Me and José Cuervo, we will listen objectively, with peace in our hearts.

Time to open Lady Chardonnay's Mail Bag! (not to be confused with Lady Chardonnay's Man Purse, of which I have none, though Mr. Lady Chardonnay does, and believe me, he is mocked for it)

Why do call yourself Lady Chardonnay? Are you really such a boozehound?
So glad you asked. Certainly I enjoy a tipple from time to time, as who among us does not? But "Lady Chardonnay," alas, is not original to me. Mr. Lady C and I once spent a glorious evening browsing among the fine works displayed at The Museum of Bad Art (http://www.museumofbadart.org/) . . . and there she was: "The Lady Chardonnay." She was beautiful. She spoke to me. She was, in short, everything I wanted to be.

And now, I am her. She is me. Life is good.

Lady C, don't you know alcoholism is a disease?
No, but I know all five verses of Suicide Is Painless. Won't you sing along?

Ha, kidding.
------------------------------
Country Night. Expect lots of random kicking. Oh, and: shoot me now.

Lady Chardonnay OUT.

Country?!

Bucky and Kelli have been doing country night every night! Now we have to tolerate country from everyone? NOT my favorite music.
I wonder what Chris will do with this challenge.

Other than having country night, everything is still going according to my plan.

Love & kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary