From Paula to . . . Ellen?

Hmm. A curious choice.

On the whole, though, I'm optimistic. The biggest concern I'm hearing seems to be Ellen's total lack of experience in the music industry rather than her ability to be smart, funny, and entertaining (all of which she has been in the past and is likely to be in the future).

But I believe you could say the same thing about one of my favorite Idol guest judges, Mr. Quentin Tarantino. Musical background? No. An innate understanding of what is entertaining—what makes a performance over-the-top great ? For sure.

I think Ellen will surprise us. She won't be Quentin Tarantino but she'll be as good as Quentin Tarantino, just in her own Elleny way.

My two cents! (which, in the Chardonnay household, is worth a dollar)

Lady Chardonnay, TGIFing and out!

Shock and Awe(ful)

I am stunned by Paula's departure from the scene.

Paula out? Kara in?

NO, Idol. No!!!

And . . . sticking with four judges, a format that's been roundly derided by critics world-wide??

What are they thinking?

And . . . the rotating panel of fourth judges includes (yowza) Posh Spice and Katy Perry? And Mrs. Beckham herself is currently overseeing the auditions with Simon, Randy, and Kara?

I am TRULY at a loss.

Lady Chardonnay, stunned, sad, and out.

Blessed Are the Meek: For They . . .

. . . are the next American Idol!

I take nothing away from sweet Kris. Well-played, well-earned, well done—he had a KICKIN' season, and I couldn't be happier for him.

We've all seen Idolettes who've grown and blossomed throughout the season, but we haven't seen one of them win before. And, I would argue, every season up till now, it wasn't that hard to figure out who would win, if you were paying attention to things like never being in the bottom three. But this year knocked everything I "knew" on its head.

Adam was not for all tastes, and, as I noted before, there were people who would never vote for him for reasons that have nothing to do with singing. It doesn't matter. He is going to have a brilliant career. I'm nothing but happy this morning.

So let's go back in time now, shall we, and talk about these two crazy shows?

Honest Liz hosted a party on Tuesday, which was great fun. Attendees were me, Brunie, Mimosa, Wilbur, Little Joe, and Felicity Goddess Mother (FGM). A great deal of hooch was poured, and my favorite snack was the never-ending glass of Twizzlers. Good times!

The TV screen split, revealing Adam on one side and Kris on the other. Dramatic! The leopard vs. the puppy! See, you think the leopard will win, don't you? So you try to save the puppy. Dang. I should've thought of that. But at the time I'm all, Go, leopard! Sigh.

We speculate over whether Kara did indeed write this year's Crappy Coronation Song. "Kara writes the songs that make me vomit," opined one quipster (much hooch had been poured, it took me an hour to puzzle out the word "vomit" here from my notes—don't ask me to accurately report who said anything).

Ongoing topic of the evening: Would you rather hear that your child was going to jail, war, or Harvard? Don't ask.

FGM waxed rhapsodic over Adam's eye make-up, wishing he'd write a book of eyeliner tips. Ooh, career path! 'Cause (spoiler!) I happen to know he'll need a paying gig, come tomorrow.

We are stupefied by our first glimpses of the judges. Paula has been bronzed and is honoring her Irish roots by dressing in lucky green. And is honoring her whorish roots with her boobage, there is no other explanation.

Simon, not to be outdone, displays his own boobage. My God, it's a forest in there. I shield my daughter's eyes. The boys grow very excited and verbose, and Brunie Lays Down the Law, namely, You don't speak when Simon speaks. We got it.

Adam performs "Mad World" and it's as eerie and beautiful as I remember, and also strangely full of joy, and I love Adam so much. Simon, who's been sniping all season that this is a singing competition, criticizes Adam's . . . coat.

Okay. See, as I "recap," all the signs were there, I just didn't read them, I was busy holding up my empty glass and saying, "Wilburrrrr?" in my most cajoling voice. Yes, I was enticing 11 year olds to pour my wine. Your point?

Kris sings "Ain't No Sunshine" and it's awesome and he's adorable and we had a group swoon. (Honest Liz, I meant to clean that up after—sorry!)

Paula's bright greenness amuses us for the rest of the evening. She said . . . something, and I shouted, "Blarney!" in a lilting Irish accent. Oh how we laughed.

Randy's jacket is likewise cracking me up. After the show he'll sell you a car!

We see Kris holding a prop baby, and I want to vote for him immediately.

Adam comes out wearing such tight pants, Brunie comments, "I can tell his religion from here." He sings "A Change Is Gonna Come" and emotes like crazy. Mimosa and I are drinkin' the Kool-Aid, we sway on the sofa, arms overhead. I wish I had a lighter to hold up. Adam cares. Also, we admire his exquisite dental work. Adam flosses.

Katie Holmes is in the house! Covering Suri's ears! "She doesn't want Suri to know that some men are gay," I whisper. Hee.

"You can sing your face off" is really not a compliment I enjoy. Bad visual. Let's find another one, shall we, Randy?

Kara says "artistry," I yell "Artistry!" and take a drink, which amuses the boys, because they are young. I told them that I also get to drink for "Make it your own" and "rainbow." Not to give anything away, but Kara got me snockered.

Paula said something, and I cried "Paula go bragh-less!" in my wonderful Irish accent. This brought down the crowd, because we are young. And snockered.

And we are just in the mood for a Crappy Coronation Song, which doesn't disappoint. This Is My Shining Rainbow Moment, My Now, While I Climb the Mountain, as sung by Adam and then Kris, and Brunie and I have a minor dust-up over whether it's actually the same song (I say yes, she says no), but as dust-ups go, this one set a new record for minor—(1) see "snockered" above, and (2) once seated, neither of us actually likes to get up. But she felt my wrath, I'll you that.

Folks, I've been working nine-hour days at the computer for the past week and a half (hence, the lack of blogging) and my wrists are killing me, so I must stop for now and "do" the finale later. I will leave you with a final anecdote:

Brunie called me at 10:10 last night and said, "Can you believe it? FGM was pissed." I said, "I haven't watched it yet. Wait, FGM liked Kris, right? Kris doesn't win?" Brunie back-pedaled marvelously but ordered me to watch it, and also said that something happened that made her like Kara after all. Me: "She realized that her song was crap and said that no one has to sing it after all?" Brunie: "I don't like her that much."

(I stopped working at midnight, took a quick hot shower, and fell into bed with the tape Mr. Lady C had made for me . . . which stopped right after Tatiana. So, in fact, Ms. Brunie, you did tell me who the winner is! For which I am grateful.)

Lady Chardonnay OUT! But back again soon.

LaSalle and Alabama!

I could have sworn that Ryan introduced them as LaSalle and Alabama. He is such a mush mouth. And the boys' mics are not working.

Why did they keep Micahela Gordon on the payroll? Carly is okay - at least she was last season. I think I was not even wearing support hose when MG was on there.

SO the idolettes come out and sing ROCK STAR - which is a real song, much to my surprise. And Wilbur says, "I hate this crap..." And I can't disagree. It blows.

Then David Cookie Monster comes out to sing and Honest Liz needs an adult undergarment. He has a really nice voice. He stll looks like he has a giant brain. (Must be all the vocabulary!) He can really sing. The disembodied hands of idol wave back and forth like inferi in the cave of the horcrux!

Then they do horrible flashbacks to the horrible people that I hate. I am sure Norman Gentle will be carrying this bad boy home. And I called the velcro pants. According to HL, "It's going to be a long two hours. Steve Martin is rolling over in his...oh, never mind..."

Lil and her amazing boobs come out on stage and is met by Queen Latifah singing some song I have never heard. For a really long time.

Jason Mraz must be so freaking sick of this song he is singing with Anoop and the girl whose name I forgot weeks ago.

Keith Urban and Kris sing a song that I actually heard before. (Thanks, NASCAR!) They sound fine. I don't really like this kind of country music. Either stay in the roadhouse like Dwight Yokam or take it all the way over to the Jayhawks. This is kind of half-assed pop/country. Like Juice Newton. (Okay, I did love her...)

At the commercials Wilbur would sing "Skip it! Skip it! I'm an angry little boy! Skip it!"

What the hell is this song? Flossie, flossie? Great crapping Hattie. Fergie's shoes scare the living daylights out of me, and her face is scarily botoxed. Wilbur, "I sure hope she falls!" I love the way ALlison yells, "The Black-Eyed PEEEEEEEEAS!" They were interesting.

And then the horror show of women who made me crazy. And bikini girl has new boobs! And Ryan mentions it. And Kara shows us that not only can she sing, but she also has an awesome body. And I like her for the first time in weeks.

And Allison is singing with Cyndy Lauper and Felicity Goddess Mother has an anuerism and dies. We will miss her. Not to be catty, but Cyndy has definetly had work done. She's still odd, though.

So we were talking about who would sing with the near-idols and when Danny came out someone said, "He will be singing with Liam Neeson!" But it was Lionel Ritchie.

And now Adam is singing BETH and I am finally understanding the Sheriff of Sarcasm being in love despite his obvious preference for the boys. Dreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeamy! And KISS comes out and blows everyone's mind.

Now Steve Martin is not in his grave, but rather playing the banjo for Sarver, who sounds good. And Megan Joy sounds a little creaky, but she grows on me. And their harmony is nice. And Steve Martin wrote that song! I like the "took you out to dinner" part.

Commercials come and they are singing DO YOU THINK I'M SEXY? Why? Because Rod Stewart's grandpa is here! He sounds bad, but I do appreciate all the previous singing. When he sings, "The morning sun, when it's in your face, really shows your age." FHM said, "You too, Rod. You too..."

And more horrible flashbacks. And I am forced to see Tatiana again! And there is an unfunny bit where she pretends that she isn't supposed to be making a fool of herself.

And now they are singing QUEEN, because Adam is the lost love child of Freddie Mercury. Incidentally - you must all go read FREDDIE AND ME because it is awesome. The boys sound great, but I want to know who wins and go to bed now... HL says, "Oh man, Kara and Paula..." and Wilbur says "...are DRUNK!"

And now we will find out it is KRIS. We are all in shock. He is a love duck, but Adam is so much better. Even Kris says, "Adam deserves this!" So I love him a wee bit more. And Adam moved to the back of the idolettes. And according to HL and FGM he is crying and his sparkles are falling into Allison's hair.

I can't wait 'til Lady C. finds out what happened...

Brunie, OUT!

As Hall and Oates Would Say: She's Gone

What a quiet trio we are!

I was saying to Mrs. Cynicletary today, there's just something flat about Idol after the fourth runner-up goes home. Maybe not every year . . . but Season 3, I simply stopped watching when La Toya London waved goodbye. Diana, Jasmine, Aphasia? Color me SO bored. Season 4, I knew Carrie was going to win, yawn, I loved Bo and liked Vonzell, but my true favorite was my darling Anthony Fedorov, and I missed him desperately thereafter. And in Season 6, only after Chris Daughtry went home (back to the place where he belongs) did I realize that he'd been my favorite all along.

And that's how I feel right now. I love Adam, of course, and am as tickled as can be that he'll sing against Kris rather than smug Danny, but oh! how it all pales next to my dream of an Allison-Adam finale! My anxiety over darling Allison, her knockout performances followed by her weekly damning with faint praise, her uncertain place on the Couch of Safety—this has kept me riveted, week in, week out.

Now . . . whatev. No matter who wins, Adam will go on to have a brilliant career, and Kris, our Most Improved Idol, will do just fine. The finale . . . just doesn't matter.

I miss my girl!

Oh, well.

I have nothing substantial to say about this week's show, so here's some randomness:

• Random Danny quote: "As the show goes on, you feel the pressure as the show goes on." No kidding.
• Random Adam note: Every week, after he's declared "safe," he mouths "Thank you" to me and to America. My sweet gay son has nice manners, does he not?
• Random Kris fact (I love this SO MUCH): His ringtone is the theme to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!

That's all I got.

Finale party next week at Honest Liz's! Where I shall attempt to get my groove back via festive libations.

Until then—Lady Chardonnay OUT!

The X-Factor

All three guys are excellent singers. It comes down to the emotional connection for me. Adam is very talented and a good technical singer. He has a clear view of his image. But watching him just leaves me a little cold. Kris is also very talented, and a laid-back cutie type of guy. I bet he's a good friend. With Danny - I am feeling him. The emotional connection is there for me and I find him to be the most authentic.
So, I am thinking Danny & Adam in the finals. But, wouldn't it be funny if Kris won it all? Now that would be a surprise.

Love & Kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

Rock on!

Unlike Lady C., I was born this century and love the rock and or roll! It was funny to see Slash's face - not his eyes of course, but look - he does have a nose and mouth! And he speaks!

Adam: He started out with the smarm and fakiness again, but I gotta hand it to him, he really kicked ass at the end of Whole Lotta Love. I have been waiting for him to sing some Led Zep all season, and he for sure did it well. I was also waiting for Slash to say how much he sounds like Axel Rose - but if he did it was not on camera. Kara - he is NOT a Rock God, and you are not a good analyst. She was particularly annoying last night.

Allison: Well I must agree with Brunie that I liked Allison's version of Cry Baby even better than the awesome Janis! She is a better singer than Janis was and I thought she did a great job. She made a strong emotional connection too. I liked her hair - more brown, and more extensions. She looked good!

Danny & Kris: Their harmonies were beautiful! I don't love the song, nor do I usually like duets between two guys, but they did well. Kris looked a little more comfortable, but Danny sounded a little stronger, and he looks good in red.

Kris: Kris is the most improved idol, and he continued to sound good and look relaxed with Come Together. I really liked the breakdown in the middle. And about whatever Kara says - I. Don't. Care.

Danny: The scream at the end was good in the rehearsal take, but in the show he kinda blew it. That kind of screaming is what ruined Steven Tyler's vocal chords. I wonder if Danny has laryngitis today. I love me some Danny and feel sure that he is safe, but it was not his best performance. BTW, Kara - you said that Danny should sing some older Aerosmith than Dream on, like Crying or Crazy. MORON - Crying and Crazy were songs of theirs from the 90's and Dream On is from the 70's - a MUCH older song of theirs. You are just stupid.

Duet dos: Allison and Adam sing Slow Ride. I liked it. She has a lower voice than he! I like Allison in tight pants and clunky boots - good looks! Adam seemed out of place somehow in the lineup last night. And is he wearing heels or something - I don't remember him looking so tall.

So, I am thinking that Kris goes tonight. Finals should be Danny and Allison, but it might be Danny and Adam, or Adam and Allison...

Paula takes the stage tonight? Oh no!

Love & Kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

I Can Stand Anything for an Hour, But That's All

Here are the notes I jotted:

• Slash—was he married to an Everley Brothers daughter?
• Kara's hair looks horrible.
• Paula's boobs . . . are so very visible. For God's sake, I can match drapes to those things.

What I did not take notes on:

• Adam's song
• Allison's song
• Kris's song
• Danny's song

Because ohmygodthismusicbleh. I'm just saying. Your mileage may vary.

I did enjoy the A&A duet—what a magnificent Final Two they would be. And I liked Kris's version of "Come Together" way more than Carly's version of it last year, and as I recall, the judges wet themselves over Carly, so go figure.

For the first time, I got some busy signals when dialing tonight (for Allison)—good sign? Hope so!

Lady Chardonnay OUT.

Rock and Roll all night...

So Slash is the helper o'the day. And I don't know how much he had to do with it but Adam KILLED with WHOLE LOTTA LOVE. Mr. Crow nearly grabbed his heart and fell to the ground when he heard his beloved Led Zep being played on Idol. He said, "Surely Jimmy Page didn't authorize this..." And Honest Liz and I just looked at him as if to say, "Oh yes, no one hardly at all watches this show. He'll never find out.."

So next came Allison and HL and I adored her. The judges didn't seem to share our excitement. But we looked at each other after she sang with a guilty face. Because we both liked it better than the Joplin version. Not that I don't love Janis, but I thought that Allison made it a little more musical. And she was a hoot after with her little saucy talk.

Now Danny and Kris are sounding amazing on Styx's RENEGADE. Shockingly, I agreed with Randy that their harmonies were beautiful. And stronger than the solo parts. Also Kara made me smile for the first time ever by saying, "You are the guys that help the little women cross the street." I am assuming that Danny took Amy will grab Kris's arm and Meg will pat Danny's arm gently as she comforts him for his loss. Beth will watch from heaven with his wife. Jo wouldn't be caught dead with this bunch, but she might see if Allison wants to go skating or hiking or something. [Maybe jaunt to Prince Edward Island to see Anne of Green Gables, says HL.]

Kris hoped to pee his pants in front of Slash which amused me. He sand COME TOGETHER. I didn't expect to like it at all. I am not a fan of this song in general. But he sounded smooth and edgy enough to carry it off. I liked it a lot. And I am shocked that I agree with Randy again. Did someone slip him some make-brunie-happy pills? In other news HL hates Kara. Simon called it "Like eating ice for lunch" to which Wilbur said, 'The perfect meal for the summer..."

Danny is singing DREAM ON "like a dying velociraptor" according to Wilbur. He sounds fine, but it is the weakest of the night. Paula dances and "looks like she should be working for Willy Wonka". He looks like an angry hobbit and he completely blew the scream at the end. In a perfect world, that would be his ticket home. But it might not be. And sweet baby James, I actually agreed with Kara. She annoys me still, but she was accurate.

Adam and Allison sang SLOW RIDE, which I always think of as kind of a dull song, and did a great job. They were cute as bugs and rocked out. Loved them...

Weakest of the night was Danny, to be sure. But his rabid fans might just save his cheesy Wisconsin bacon.

Brunie, OUT!

What are you doing after?

Lady Char and Mrs. Cyn have covered the action beautifully. Everyone with the possible exception of Matt did an amazing job. I was just as floored as the next guy when Adam ended up in the bottom three! And I loved it that Kris went back to the couches of safely before he did. They never said if that means he had the second lowest score, though. At this point I truly don't care who leaves! I really like all four of them and they each have a specific strength which I will tell you now!

Kris Kewtie-Pie- He is the prettiest! But also, he is the most commercial right now. Cheeze Whiz, I sound like Kara - ew... But he is all Jason Mrazzy or John Mayery or Ryan Montbleuy. He has a nice sound and his only obvious flaw is his propensity for making his jaw go sideways.

Danny Deadwife - When I close my eyes and don't have to look at his hobbittey dancing he has the most appealing boy-voice on the show. It is really beautiful. And he (or the powers that be) have stopped beating me about the head and neck with his marriage. Also, he is from Wisconsin. Which is a nice place.

Allison Adolescent - She has the best girl-voice! And the only boobs. (Other than Danny.) She is cute as a bug and is almost a savant at singing! She doesn't seem like the brightest bulb on the tree, but she can belt them out.

Adam Amazing - I am sorry to be so biased, but I really think he is far and away the best performer. He is also the one who started taking chances early and really set the bar for an amazing season of risk taking and stellar performances. When Taylor Hicks was on the other night, I looked at him and thought - he wouldn't have made it into the top 5 this year! Go Adam!

And now, the explanation for the picture. Wednesday night Wilbur and I went to Honest Liz's place to watch with her and Felicity Goddess-Mother. He was so funny all night long. When he first saw Paula's outfit and HL said she looked gift-wrapped he said, "She must be giving herself to Simon." But the best comment of the night was when Paula said that Adam makes her feel amazing. Wilbur said, in a perfect Paula-impresison voice, "Do you want to go to Papa Gino's with me after the show?" We laughed so hard that we nearly fell off furniture and soiled ourselves. The best part is that I have been sending students to Honest Liz's classroom asking her if she wants to go to Papa Gino's after school and it is funny every time!

I just don't know what to hope for next week!

Brunie, OUT!

Best final five ever!

Last night was a fabulous night of songs that I not only do not hate, but that I like. A lot. And I like all of the remaining kids too, so it gets tricky from here on out.

I was pleasantly surprised to see Jamie Foxx as the mentor. He was just perfect in Ray, and is an excellent musician and performer. I thought he really paid attention and tried to give constructive criticism to the kids.

Kris: Kris continues to sound great and to look relaxed. He sang a beautiful song beautifully, although at a couple of points he had a look in his eyes that said, I am about to forget the lyrics, or he remembered that he left the iron on. I don't know what it was, but I saw glimmers of panic.

Allison: WOW! WOOOOW! Someone to Watch Over Me is a gorgeous song and Allison performed exquisitely. She made even the cynical(tary) tear up. Allison will be a huge star! And she looked pretty too. Now if only she had highlights of red in brown hair instead of brown in red hair. We're getting closer though!

Matt: Matt got excellent advice from Jamie on singing a VERY difficult song. It is so easy to get pitchy on this one. Matt had a couple of seconds of lack of perfection, but overall gave a lovely rendition of the classic Funny Valentine.

Danny: Come Rain or Come Shine is another gorgeous song that I learned at my voice lessons in school. I just love it. Danny's runs were perfection and he really brought it on home at the end.The big finish gave me goosebumps! Danny is S-A-F-E!

Adam: Adam chose another beautiful song, Feeling Good. I have the Nina Simone version on my Ipod. He sang it well enough, but the smarm factor was in full effect last night. He did not give me chills nor goosebumps. It was not thrilling. I did not say wow. He looked puffy and he needs a dermatologist. I thought it was his worst performance in weeks.

In general I must say that the song choices and the performances were superior. I think I would only be upset if Danny or Allison goes home tonight. I think Matt or Kris will be the buh-bye tonight, although both of them are talented singers who will have successful careers. At this point, it is almost better to lose so that you can hang on to some semblance of creative control of your music. Last night was Idol at its best - fine examples of real singing of real songs - songs that all the little ones in the audience need to know.

Love & Kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

Guys and a Doll

Rat Pack Night with this oh-so-very adorable Top Five? My cup runneth over!

And it was most entertaining to try to guess this week's guest judge. I thought Matt's ideas (Michael Bublé, Rod Stewart) were good possibilities, and I honestly hoped that my guess, Harry Connick Jr., was dead wrong . . . and then when we saw who it was, well, silly us, because who could be a more logical fit for Standards Night than Jamie Foxx?

Yeah.

But the joke was on me (in case you didn't catch my subtle eye-rolling up there), because I thought he did a great job. Jamie and Quentin, they may not take the path of the more musical mentors (Manilow, say, or David Foster, who were also great with the Idolettes), but they know what makes a good performance, and they know how to communicate that knowledge to someone else. And since this show is as much about performance and popularity as it is about singing, that kind of mentor is not only useful but downright necessary.

Cute Kris opened the show, looking as handsome as all giddy-up (though I wish he'd shaved) and delivering a clean, quiet, assured performance of "The Way You Look Tonight," a song that does half the work for you by being so simply beautiful. It was a very grown-up performance for our sweet young man, and I loved it.

The judges (with the exception of Mr. Too Cool for School) are very glam and shiny tonight, and Paula is gift-wrapped!

Mimosa pointed out that Kris and Ryan are celebrating Twin Day. Oh those dear boys—I think they went suit-shopping together. And then bought those Miami Vice razors that leave just a bit of Don-Johnson stubble. And then made up a secret handshake and became aftershave brothers.

Jamie was so sweet, talking to Allison about who watches over her, that I started to well up a bit. And then my awesome girl stood still and simply sang that classic, torchy song, and the tears poured down my face. What a joy she is. A totally exquisite performance.

(Randy's been cracking me up lately, talking about he "worried" he gets when he hears what songs the Idolettes have chosen. Dude! Try some Ambien for that.)

I like Matt in a hat, but "My Funny Valentine" can be tough to sing (I wonder if Brunie will tell us her favorite singer of this song—in fact, if I remember correctly, the only person she wants to hear sing it), and I'm not sure he nailed it. The tempo was way too slow, and the beginning notes seemed off. (Dare I say "pitchy"? Ah, "pitchy"—the "artistry" of yesteryear.) It was okay, and definitely the most creative arrangement so far, but not a great performance, I fear.

And then Simon opens his piehole, and out pours incomprehensible gibberish. He loved Matt and didn't love Allison? I am at a loss. Is he trying to save Allison by making Matt's fans complacent?

Danny's up next and tells us that he's "not changing [the song] too much," to which I say, "Blow me down." I think I'm feeling so negatively toward Danny because I see him as Adam's main competition in the contest that nobody's talking about: Homophobic American Idol. There are people who simply won't vote for Adam, even if he's far and away the best singer the show has ever seen (which he might or might not be—that's not the point). Which makes Miss Congeniality Danny the winner by default, which drives me bonkers. And if it were Allison or even Cute Kris benefiting from America's bigotry, I might be less bent, but Danny is only my fourth favorite, so I'm pissed.

Anyway.

Danny sings, and it's fine, as expected, and a little dull for those of us who are not Danny worshippers. Whatever. There's a certain sameness to a Danny performance, week in and week out, and while vanilla with raspberry sauce may taste just fine, still, I'm not going to order it every week.

Mimosa: Napped through the whole thing.

And then the judges revealed that they're all on crack, or this is an episode of Fringe, or heaven knows what, as I am clearly watching one show and they are watching another. At the same time! Love slurp dude slurp awesome best slurp winner Danny! Whatever.

Thank goodness for my sweet baby Adam to bring us home! In his Elvis-white amidst the sea of classic dark suits, he reminds me of Tom Hanks going to the office party in "Big." But Adam can pull it off. I can't wait to see what he does.

And . . . it's great, as always, and fun, and entertaining, for sure . . .

But.

I'm a little disappointed, I admit. I don't want Adam's crazy glam rock opera stuff tonight. I want him to stand still and sing some Dino. I want him to channel Frank! I want him to tell me a beautiful story with a haunting melody!

I'll say this, though: Frank and Dean were masters of their craft, who sang their lives and seduced their audiences with their music, and while they might call this kid a punk, they would also applaud the musical risks he takes, and they would appreciate that when Adam is called to entertain, he puts on a show. It's not the way they would have done it—and damn, I would've liked to see him do it their way. But he was totally Adam, as he always is, and I really do believe those cats would approve.

And then they would pummel him.

Time to go dial my fingers into bloody stumps for my girl Allison. I've barely voted this season, but tonight she needs me, according to Simon, anyway.

Lady Chardonnay, OUT!

Disco Facto

I groan about disco night every year. However, I will get on the good foot and put on my my my my my bloggie shoes, and bloggie with you:

Lil: Lil is bootylicious for ya babe! She is a very good singer but I think she is o-u-t. She just never took hold of herself and her image and let it spill out all over America in a happy joy joy way.

Kris: I have never liked Hard for the Money, but Kris' version was palatable. He looks and sounds relaxed and in the groove. I wish he had worn something other than a plain white t-shirt, though.

Danny: Ah, Earth, Wind and Fire, too good to be labeled simply disco. This song reminds me of one of my sisters for whom this song had great meaning. She and her first husband met at a party where this song played. Now, Sis is divorced from September husband, and when I compiled the CD for her wedding reception to husband #2, I could not play ANY EW&F songs because they are linked in her mind to September husband. The power of music! Danny can sing any damn song and he sounded like Michael McDonald last night. He needs some dance training, though.

Allison: Like an old fart, I will relate another anecdote about the distant past. This song reminds me of dancing in Boston at a disco with a SUPER HOT STUFF blonde dude named Michael H. We basically fornicated on the dance floor.Well, almost. Damn he was hot, hot, hot, hot stu-uff! But, I digress - Allison has the pipes! She can BLOW! She has great energy and tension when she performs. Yay Allison!

As they cut away from Allison it appeared that Adam was being eaten by a crowd of chick-lets.
Will he sing It's Raining Men? Will he? Will he? Boo! No. He sings If I Can't Have You. He looks good in a suit. His vocals were perfect and he did not smarm up the stage.

Matt: The idea of Matt singing Staying Alive is frightening. But, it was not nearly as bad as it could have been. And he moves very well.

Anoop: Man, I almost forget he is still on the show. The sound of his voice has continued to improve each week. However, his performance was uninspiring and his last note was just bad.

Since two must go the buh-bye tonight I predict (read hope) that Anoop and Lil go.

Love & Kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

Disco Night!

So tonight I am attempting to blog in "real time" (albeit a little bit later than most...) at Honest Liz's house with Felicity Goddess Mother and HL.

First up is Lil Rounds and her epic ass. Or as FGM put it, "She isn't little in the round area." We were so distracted by her butt that we didn't even listen to her sing. Which means that she didn't do that well. I'M EVERY WOMAN can be a great song, but not tonight.

Kris finally got me tonight with SHE WORKS HARD FOR THE MONEY. He did a Ryan Montbleau type cover of a song I never thought would be interesting to me again. Honest Liz immediatly leapt off the couch and declared, 'I shall buy this on itunes!" I really think (and HL agrees, that he just officially passed Danny in the running.

So Danny Deadwife is up singing SEPTEMBER. This is a great song, but we kept waiting for more. He "worked it out" according to Ryan. He needs to lose the porn-stache. Gross... Simon bemoans the lack of star power and FGM BRILLIANTLY states, "You were only the earth and wind. You weren't the fire." (And he continues to frolic like a hobbit about the stage.)

Allison sang HOT STUFF and it is a boring song. They tried to make it interesting, but that won't do too much. This little girl can really sing. Dress? No. But sing, you betcha!

So Honest Liz just fast forwards through the ads (and well she should) but as soon as she saw Adam and Ryan chatting, she backed right the heck up. And he looks dreamy. He turned IF I CAN'T HAVE YOU into something completely different. COMPLETELY different. I don't know how much input he gets, but he is consistently amazing. And he thanks the band or the arranger every time. He is classy.

And who is this on the stage? Is it Justin Timberlake? Mais non! It is our own Matt. His third eye is covered by a jaunty chapeau. He sings STAYIN' ALIVE and we all agree that he is forgettable. HL does an amazing impression of Kara, "You wore clothes. That was good. You sang words. That was good. You breathed oxygen. That was good." Damning with faint praise.

Anoop is going to close the show. I have high hopes. Of course the facial hair is completely looking horrible. And I love this song. But he isn't doing anything for me. And he ends badly. I think he is looking forward to going home tomorrow night. Paula loved his "growth" and pink sweater. Proving that she is completely on drugs.

It could be Lil, Matt or Anoop going home tomorrow. Frankly Danny could go too.

Adam and Kris are completely safe. And I can't decide which of their performances I liked better. They were both brilliant. Allison should still stick around too.

I am liking the show better every week, which is almost unheard of for me! I am usually completely jaded by now. Can't wait for tomorrow!

Brunie, OUT!

Movie Weak!

Two nights ago, I practically slipped into a coma of boredom watching the idolettes sing the same fricking songs they sing every movie week. I was barely roused by Adam, even! The less said the better. The only thing I will say about it is that my friend, the Sheriff of Sarcasm, pointed out that Matt should be able to pick better songs, blessed as he is by the third eye in the middle of his forehead! (She also said things about Adam that were too dirty to type.) Quentin Tarentino and his lumpen face were nothing to write home about, but I will be going to see INGLORIOUS BASTARDS...

So on to last night. The show opened with an homage to I.B.! Blow me down! (as Lady C has been known to say...) Okay, so they don't do what Kristi hilariously calls "the great and powerful entrance" (Where the judges all walk down the giant stairs wasting my precious time.) but there is plenty of time wasting ahead!

Oh, speaking of wasting my time, Honest Liz said yesterday, "This is THE MOST POPULAR SHOW on television. They could add an extra half hour and let all the judges speak." Word, Liz... It isn't like they don't add more air to the results shows than you find in a Dairy Queen soft serve. And yet look at me watching the whole thing!

Okay, the kids do MANIAC which is a staple of my youth. It starts "Just a steel town girl on a Saturday night..." which sounds like "Just a Smithtown girl on a Saturday night..." and since I lived in Smithtown in my youth, I felt like the song belonged to me. Lame song, though.

Then the kids go see 17 AGAIN. Honest Liz and I are bringing Wilbur and Joe Mama to see it tonight. We are not at all embarrassed to have a date with 11 year olds. Lil made a crack about Danny Deadwife's age. HAW! And they all pretended that Allison likes Zac Epheron.

Okay, I can't remember if there was anything before Jennifer Hudson. And as much as I love J-Hud as a person, I am fast forwarding this song with the weird syllable thing popular music seems to have nowadays.

I can't wait to see GLEE!

They did some padding with Anoop, but I need to get the kids up in 10 minutes so fast forward I will...

Wow! Simon just told Kris that he was brilliant last night. This is why ALL the judges should be able to give feedback. Seriously, do I care what Randy thinks more than Simon? No frickin' way! Lil is in the bottom three with Noopy. I kind of hope it is her, because I want to hear her sing again. My guess is that if it is anyone other than Anoop, the judges just might just use their free save card. And Anoop is safe! And he has that familiar look on his face that says that he has resigned himself to leaving and is pissed that he has to stay.

And Miley Cyrus is singing. Will I be fast forwarding? Youbetcha... Wow, her teeth are huge and she sings with her nose in a shocking way.

Finally, we learn that Matt is gone. And I have to fast forward through the egregious HAVE YOU EVER REALLY LOVED A WOMAN. Will they let him stay? I am all atwitter! I knew it! They don't love Matt all that much, they just know it will make for good TV. And good news for Matt.

Bad news for America - next week is disco week!

Brunie - OUT!

Are all movie songs this lame?

It's movie night with Mr. Tarentino! He has made some of my favorite movies - Pulp Fiction and Kill Bill 1 & 2. He always has excellent songs in his movies, and I wonder why no one sang any of them (Son of a Preacher Man anyone?)

Allison: I never liked this Aerosmith song, but my dear friend Judith was in that crazy movie about the meteor, and my bro and sis-in-law used it for their wedding song. Still, only Allison can make me listen to the whole thing. Good on ya, Allison - you sang it better than Steven Tyler.

Anoop: ANOTHER lame song I don't like. But I think that was Anoop's best performance. It is the first time he has made an emotional connection, and that was good to see. What was up with that jacket, though? HIDEOUS!

Back to the future of Anime Hairboy: I wonder if he can sing anything without super-high notes in it. For a change. As usual he sounded good, but was not modern or fresh. I would love to hear him sing a Led Zeppelin song - he could really work out those Robert Plant high notes! (Did you see the two page NY Times story about if a gay kid can win Idol - I can't believe that question is still being asked - was the writer like 70 years old? News flash: MANY performing artists are gay!!)

Matt: Ouch. Matt - you know I love you but that was not a good performance. Singing another song I detest, he was kinda pitchy, kinda lost. I fear for his safety. Also, that giant pimple smack in the middle of his forehead, while covered with concealer, was very distracting. People will not vote for a giant blemish, I'm just saying.

Danny: Contacts tonight, Danny? You look good. You sound great. He made me cry when he looked heavenward at the end. Damn - I am a sucker for a twenty something widower. If he can sing his ass off that is.

Kris: Kris continues to improve, and although I didn't love his song choice, I thought he did well. I don't know what Randy's problem was.

Lil: I agree with Lady C. that she was much better last night. She has picked terrible songs from show #2 until last night. Although The Rose is not one of my faves, she sang it very well and I liked the gospel flavor. My song choice for her was the theme from Goldfinger. She could have knocked that one out of the box! Lil looks quite slender in her all black outfit. I think the stress of all the brutal criticism of late has taken away her appetite.

I am nervous for my boy Matt tonight. We shall see. Maybe a Clearasil commercial is in his future...

Love & Kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

At the Late-Night Double Feature Picture Show

Quentin Tarantino is a surprisingly sharp and astute vocal coach! He was a brilliant guest judge in Season 3, and tonight his comments were dead on, I thought.

(The other thing I remember from Movie Night in Season 3 is that half the contestants named Finding Nemo as their favorite movie. Cherubs . . . )

We started with Allison, who once again rocked the house with that smoky, ragged voice of hers. Love her vocal control, love her command of the stage. I worry about her going first—traditionally, not a power position—but she won't be going home this week.

There's a girl with GINORMOUS lips sitting directly behind Quentin T. Wow, imagine her baby picture! 'Cause you know she was born with those.

Anoop's chosen another ballad, which he sings very sweetly. I wish he'd gone for some of the fierceness Tarantino recommended—it would've given the song a cool edge—but I can't fault this very clean performance. Nice job, Anoop.

Adam, wow. Confident. Fearless. Electrifying. Charismatic. Magnetic. Shock and awe. LOVE. HIM.

(Mimosa just grabbed my notebook, and here's what she wrote: " " Brilliant girl!)

(Okay, what she actually wrote was this: Memossia says " " Neither of my kids can spell, apparently. But she is pretty and modest and good, and what more does a parent wish for?)

Matt—oh boy. I guess . . . I am just not a fan. And it wasn't the song, even though my friend Theresa says that these are the stupidest lyrics ever written: Have you ever really really ever loved a woman? "Lady C," she says, "you're an editor. Tell me you wouldn't fillet that sentence with your red pen!" But I like this song. I just don't like Matt singing it.

(Mimosa/Memossia ignored Matt entirely and played with my doll Anita.)

By the way, I'm loving the Two Silent Judges rule. Keep it up, Idol! More singing, less chat!

Danny announces that he's going to sing "Endless Love," which fills me with mad joy. Oh, how I adore this song—because it makes me laugh hysterically.

And here's why: In my sophomore year of college, my best friend Lady Darcy and I were bored one afternoon and decided to get married, just for something to do. (It was a little hippie college in California, no one batted an eye.) So we got busy planning the ceremony, discovering, to our joy, that the lyrics of "Endless Love" made perfect wedding vows. "My love," I said, "there's only you in my life." "My first love," she replied, welling up a bit, "you're every breath I take—you're every step I make." Not a dry eye in the house, I tell you.

The marriage, I'm sad to report, lasted less than two months BECAUSE SHE IS A BIG CHEATING CHEATER, but I have let go, I have moved on, she is still my dearest best friend in the whole wide world, and this September 21 we celebrate our 29th year of best friendship, woo-hoo!

But I digress.

So Danny's going to sing my wedding song, and I try hard not to giggle through his very sweet performance. Though I can't help noting that Quentin told him to keep his hands in his pockets, and Danny is disobeying. First Smokey, now Quentin. Danny! Listen to your elders! Man, these kids today.

It's a very nice performance. This song 100 percent depends on voice—there are no tricks, nothing to hide behind—and Danny for sure has a good voice. And he looks like Robert Downey Jr. tonight without his glasses. But . . . having said all that, I gotta agree with Simon: I wish Danny had pushed the envelope a little bit. It all felt a little . . . safe. But very nice. Definitely.

Kris, I am so sad and sorry to say, disappoints me again. He sounded like a kid singing a dull, mournful song that was simply too old for him. See, now I'm really missing Fabian, and no one wants to write those words. Or even think them. Turn me loose, Kris!

(Translation for you youngsters out there: "Turn Me Loose" was Fabian's big hit. And before Brunie starts getting snarky about the decades between her and me, I will add that I only know this from watching Laverne and Shirley.)

I asked Mimosa what she thought of Kris's performance, and she answered, "Short." This is not good news for Kris.

From my first glimpse of Lil, it looked like she was sheathed head to toe in tight black leather, which I thought a curious outfit for singing "The Rose"—rather, I'd expect to hear the tender love theme from Bound. But I think she was just wearing dark clothing—not leather.

And I may be in the minority once again, but I LOVED her performance and thought Simon was Mr. CrankyPants. I know people won't like the way she argued with him, and I fear that that will cost her, but I thought her vocals were beautiful and pure, and I loved her gospel mix of this very familiar song. Just beautiful, all the way around.

So, if I were ranking them, the top spots would go to Adam and Allison, then a three-way tie for second between Lil, Anoop, and Danny, then Kris next to last for being boring and Matt in last place for being bad. But I think the bottom three will be Lil, Kris, and Matt, with Matt going home. And then I will call poor, sad Mrs. Cynicletary, because Lord knows she's done it for me often enough. (Her younger son especially likes to imitate the way I hyperventilated when Amy Adams, my first Idol love, was sent home. Yeah, it's really funny.) ☺

Till tomorrow! Lady Chardonnay OUT.

7 from the 80's and 1 from the 90's??!!

Brunie, we are all old. Except for these Idol kids. Good God, most of them are younger than my oldest children - egad!
What was the deal with the dead guy in the audience??
And is Ryan Baggins any taller than he was in that baby picture - I don't think so.

Danny: Went first and is just great. What can I say - he's an excellent singer and not irritating in any way. Danny stays.

Kris: I don't get the judges' problem with Kris last night. I think he is getting cuter and funkier each week

Lil: What the heck, Lil? It was like she was imitating Tina Turner. She did the same walk and shoulder shrugs - like she was actually imitating Angela Basset imitating Tina. I can't understand why she cannot find a song to sing that would do her voice justice. I hope she does not go home without reaching her potential in even one performance. OK, one since the very first show when she was great. I am tired of contestants saying, after a bad performance, "If you vote me back I will do everything right next week." You have to do it right this week!!!

Anoop: As Lady C. mentioned, I had a major flame during the time when True Colors was a hit. It really characterized the guy at the time. Although this was one of Anoop's better performances, he is just OK to me, and I don't see him having a major recording career. Maybe he could do one of those Bollywood musicals.

Blind Kid: Yes, he is still blind, and, Dear Anonymous, I am pretty sure he knows it. His performance was PAINFUL. So AWKWARD, so PITCHY. Please Idol God, send him home already.

Allison: Allison! Born in 1992!!!!! She is totally BADASS! I LOVE the sound of her voice, and her performance was spot on. She looks good in heels too. Allison, I see your future - an all-girl band fronted by you with seriously professional talented bandmates. Kinda like the Runaways but better. Damn, girl!

Matt: Here we go - Stevie Wonder - excellent choice, Matt! This is the soul pad he needs to lease on a long-term basis.

Blagojevich Hair Boy: I found this number to be very sing-songy, up and down and up and down. I did not like the song. I did not like the light under his butt. I did not like it Sam I Am. I did not like this puffy-haired ham.

Love & Kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

Ah, yes! I remember it well

Baby photos! Mimosa laughed: "Remember David Cook's square head?" Do I ever.

And speaking of Cookie, I saw my former colleague Miss WordPerfect yesterday, and she said, "Remember how edgy and out there David Cook seemed last year?" And now look at Adam . . .

Throughout the evening, it amused me to think about what I was doing the year each downy Idol was born (signing my 1040, getting a tooth crowned—yeah). Good times!

I couldn't convince Li'l Martini to watch with us (he was immersed in the Special Features for The Penguins of Madagascar), so no guest blogging tonight—sorry, Kristi—but Mimosa was in it with me for the long haul and had a thing or two to say.

Though first we were somewhat alarmed by the bald stone-faced alien in the crowd. Who is he, and why is the camera so drawn to him? Freaky . . .

First up is Danny, singing competently and performing well. With Danny, I think, it's less about any specific note or the actual quality of his voice and more that the entire package is fun and appealing. He's great to watch and listen to, and I like him fine. But do I get excited about him, look forward to him performing, or give him a single thought from one show to the next? No. No, I do not.

Paula looks stunning in an outfit that (it must be said) would also look stunning on me. I spend the rest of the evening feeling covetous.

Hey, the Boston Globe had a fantastic article on Paula today: "Judging Paula: Has she gotten smarter?" The gist is that competition with Kara, whether real or perceived, has sharpened Paula's game, and I can only agree.

Next up is Kris, holder of my highest hopes for this week, but alas—he fumbles. No, he does fine, don't get me wrong, but it wasn't a spectacular performance. I think singing from Girl Island is a mistake—he and Matt both do better ashore. A lesson, boys!

Lil Rounds looks amazing and sounds (in my solitary opinion) amazing, but I had a hunch that the judges wouldn't like it, and oh! my gifts as a seer are boundless. "Tina Turner lite," pronounces Simon, and while I think that's harsh, I do agree that Lil seems to have lost herself. Or, as Simon says, "You are not making the impact you should be making." I said to Mimosa, "She just needs to be more . . ." and as I searched for the words, my bright daughter said, "Lil Roundsy?" Yes! That's it.

Honestly, I'm worried for Lil tonight. Every year, there's a singer who is undeniably talented but can't seem to get it together on the big stage and connect with the audience (Carly, Michael Johns, Paris, et al.), and I think that's what's happening here. She has talent to burn, but she's either getting some bad advice or has the instincts of . . . a person with very bad instincts. And you can quote me on that.

Anoop's voice is sweet and pure, singing a song that Mrs. Cynicletary has all kinds of profound feelings about but has always put me right to sleep, even when Cyndi Lauper's singing it. His rendition is nice and dull. I have a comfy little nap, though I rouse myself from my torpor to note this Simon gem: "You're like a singing yo-yo." I don't find Anoop that lively myself, but it's a good line.

Woo-hoo! I woke right up for Scott, who cracked me up. Who knew he could play guitar?! Performance aside, I give him mad props for going for broke and taking a risk tonight. Again, I know this will be the minority opinion, but I like this song way more than "True Colors," and I like Scott's voice, and this, for me, was a great, fun performance.

However, honestly compels me to add that about two notes in, Mimosa said, "I'm going to go to the bathroom and play the harmonica." And that is what she did.

But she returned for ALLISON, who was sixteen kinds of fantastic tonight!!!!!!! Looked great, sounded great, oh how we love this girl. She had better not be in the bottom three tonight, or heads will roll! (This is an empty threat, but still.)

In the penultimate performance of the night, we have Matt in a Hat, who sings yet another song with his pretend voice but is quite entertaining nonetheless. Mimosa pointed out the signs for "Giraud Squad," and I pointed out the girl who was probably giving us a closer look at the design on her T-shirt but nonetheless appeared to be wiggling her boobies at Matt, which made us giggle. Mimosa and I are eight.

Bringing us home tonight is my darling love child Adam Lambert, and how much did you enjoy his tolerant, bemused parents? They seem like a lot of fun.

The lights went low, and St. Adam appeared before us, ethereal and angelic (and apparently squatting in midair). Beautiful song, beautiful voice, master showman. And the Grinch's heart grew three sizes that night, and Simon gave him a standing O—how often has that happened? (Seriously—does anyone know? I'm really curious.)

I haven't voted all season because I think my favorites are perfectly safe and I haven't cared that much about who went home, but tonight I got busy for Allison. My new dream: Allison is the American Idol, and Adam goes on to have a brilliant career doing whatever he wants to do. A win-win for everyone, if you ask me.

Going home tonight: Kris, Scott, or Lil. Which is sad. But at this point, I'm going to be sad no matter who leaves. This is a talented, talented bunch. Good job, America!

Lady Chardonnay OUT!

Brunie is old

And I would like to point out that Lady C and Mrs. C are just a wee bit older than she is! Okay, more than a wee bit, she is practically an infant compared to them. But compared to the Idols, she is ready for Depends.

The wee ones each sang a song from the year of their birth. And maybe it is the senile dementia, but I didn't hate any of them. I don't remember some of their songs, but I remember a sense of calm enjoyment throughout the night.

I watched with Honest Liz and Felicity Goddess-Mother (hereafter to be known as FGM) and they were a barrel of laughs - giving each other Scott-inspired high fives and laughing at my jokes as well as being amazed at my ability to do all the rapping bits from Salt and Pepa's SHOOP.

So who was first in the lineup? The oldest, Danny Deadwife. He did the same old thing and I can't remember what he sang, but it wasn't horrible or memorable in any way.

Kris sang beautifully after him. Directly after? I can't remember. Also, I don't remember what he sang, other than he appeared to be singing in a pit of jackals.

Lil was in there somewhere looking amazing and doing a remarkable impression of Tina Turner and having kind of a bitch-face when the judges were talking.

America, these are my bottom three!

Scott sang something I liked and he was great (for Scott) and played the guitar (or at least held the guitar) and made cute and funny comments that made me love him even more and wish he could sing better.

Matt sang something I liked and he was great and I finally figured out why the judges were initially so gaga over him. He was wearing a Timberlakian chapeau that covered his facial wart, he has thighs like tree trunks and he was born in Dearborn Michigan. What is not to love?

Anoop sang TRUE COLORS and it was beautiful! He obviously sang it right to me. And while he is no longer my particular favorite, this performance would have inspired me to vote if I were the voting kind.

America, these are the ones I would be sorry to see go tonight.

And finally Allison and Adam. The A's if you prefer.

Allison sang I CAN'T MAKE YOU LOVE ME and she sounded amazing as usual. They keep comparing her to Kelly Clarkson and we already have one of those. But this girl can sing. And they said she needs to work on her personality. My feeling is that she has been trying (admirably and sucessfully) to hold back the stream of nonsense that usually pours forth from the mouths of a certain type of enthusiastic teenage girl. I think it is adorable when she slips up (when she talked about cutting that one time and then said, "Did I just say that on tv?" HA!) and if she loosens up a little more there will be more of that. Did I mention that her singing is amazing?

Adam got cut off because Paula talked so much. But he was a little slice of heaven singing MAD WORLD. He looked beautiful (and kind of pantsless) in blue light. And he made no creepy faces. I was just awash in his talent.

Those two are the ones I want to keep on my tv forever.

Funniest thing of the night - Honest Liz on Kara -"I have seven words for you - You're Awesome!" Bwahahaha....

Brunie, OUT!

Free Bird

I never liked her voice but I always liked her style. Rock on, Megan Joy, you crazy chick. Caw! Caw!

Blessings on my sistahs who did it for themselves last week; clearly, we all saw the same show and I had nothing to add anyway. Except one little Smokey note: Back in the day, I saw a lot of Motown concerts—the Four Tops, the Temptations, Diana Ross, and Smokey. Without question, Mr. Robinson puts on the best show. We were mesmerized from the moment he appeared on stage. What a performer.

So, yeah, he's gone the Joan Rivers route a few too many times, but Smokey can do whatever he likes, if you ask me.

When I heard that Tuesday's theme was "songs from iTunes" (Worst. Theme. EVER.) I immediately went in search of Valium or something to dull the pain. I believe I have mentioned that I am not so much a fan of the current modern songs of today? (Hi, I am 90.) But it wasn't that bad. (Though now I have a new Top Five Words to Inspire Dread: "Megan Joy singing Bob Marley." shudder)

I only have a few things to add to my sistahs' brilliant recaps:

• Even Billy Joel is tired of singing "Just the Way You Are." I don't know why the judges were so pleased—I was bored to death, and I like Scott's voice.
  
• Guest blogger Li'l Martini (my eight year old) said he wanted to take notes, and this is what he wrote about Scott: "Talks weird, but he's still good at piano. Choosed the right song. Very very very good singer, does most of the work." (Li'l Martini is not impressed with the background vocalists.)

[Okay, honesty compels me to note that Li'l Martini actually wrote "wered" and "peano." Li'l Martini can't spell worth a fig. But he is handsome as the day is long . . .]

• I want Paula to give Scott feedback without mentioning his blindness. I'm starting to cringe.
• Matt sang from within an island of girls, which I found strange indeed. I'm still not getting Matt. To me, his voice always sounds affected (as in, it's not his real voice—like he's always singing falsetto except sometimes it's lower).
• Mrs. C, I said the same thing about Lil! "Spanx," I wrote, "missy!" I didn't like the dull hair, either. She has an adorable figure and great hair—no excuse for looking that bad!
• And I also agree about Kris—he's the one to watch right now, I think, as he grows in confidence. I am really liking him! And I'm very sorry that I ever wrote him off as the Fabian for our times.

But my favorite is still my darling love child (or, as Mimosa calls him, her new gay brother) Adam Lambert, who brings the party every night. I like his slicked-back hair, I like his anime hair—I just like him. Can't wait to see what he does next.

(Whereas with other favorites, Lil and Danny, I begin to wonder if we've seen the best they've got to give. I still like them, but they are not wowing me.)

I'm a bit worried about my adorable Allison, who's landed in the Bottom 3 twice now. She's one of the best singers on the show; what is going on? Why doesn't she have the fan base the others have? It's a puzzlement.

All right. Time to start working for a living, me and Huey Lewis. (Hey, I'm not complaining, 'cause I really need the work.)

Lady Chardonnay OUT!

Soul or lack thereof

Doesn't it seem at this point in the series every year, that the really great singers have setbacks, give flat performances and don't reach their potential? Lil and Matt, I'm talking to you! Why is it that the two singers with the most soul chose to sing the most soul-less songs they could find??

Anoop: He is an example of someone who does not have soul, but who chose a very soulful song that made him look and sound like a geek. He put on some kind of hard, faux-sexy expression which makes him look soft and unsexy - it is just not authentic coming from him, and he made me think of Sanjaya and I DO NOT WANT TO THINK OF SANJAYA. I would have no problem saying buh-bye to Anoop.

Meghan: Is that the best song you could choose, dear? Honestly, I still like you but my patience is wearing thin. Don't these kids get any help in choosing songs?? The judges were right to suggest Adele or Duffy, but Bob Marley? Sweetie, there isn't enough ganja in Jamaica to make that work for you!

Danny: Looking good Danny - I think he's lost a couple of pounds. His hair looked great and his song choice was OK. I am not a big Rascal Flats fan, but that boy can sing anything. His performance was touching and I continue to love him.

Allison: Honey, if you paint your nails black you have to keep them maintained. What is worse than skanky peeling black nail polish? OK, lots of things, but jeez-try to remember that you are ON CAMERA! No Doubt was a good choice for her although Don't Speak is my least favorite of their songs.The version seemed short, the guitar seemed in the way, and , um, she had a bird on her head. She can sing even with a bird on her head - that has to count for something!

Blind Kid: UGH. So old fashioned. So boring. That song was a drag in the eighties, and B.K. has the eighties hair to match. Is it some kind of cruel joke to give a blind kid such a jacked-up haircut?! Pleeeease go now.

Matt: Not The Fray! Dude. You are soulful piano guy, not rocker guy. Please let us hear your awesome true soul voice! I hope he doesn't go tonight. If he is at the bottom I bet the judges save him. Save yourself, Matt! Sing some Ray Charles, or how about Brown Sugar by D'Angelo or Cry Me a River by Justin Timberlake?

Lil: One word: Spanx. Honey, mid thigh spanx are a requirement when you wear a tight dress. I do not want to see your VPL, especially on such a prominent bootay. I hate Celine Dion and her songs. Why oh why, soul queen, did you choose that uber-Caucasian song by the uberest Caucasian singer? And you were screaming it the whole time. If you were going to try to make that song work, you have to hold back so that when you hit the key change you are at peak volume and power. Why not Mariah Carey's Vision of Love or Sam Cooke's A Change is Gonna Come? Why Lil, why?

Slicked back for good (?) hair boy: Back to smarmy boy who can hit a lot of high notes. He must not have liked me calling him Anime Hair Boy, cuz the pointy parts were nowhere to be seen.

Formerly Forgettable Guitar Boy now Memorable Piano Boy: Ain't no sunshine - excellent song choice performed beautifully! Kris is really on a roll and is doing that growing and improving thing that makes me love Idol. It seems that when the front runners start to slip there is always someone who is really getting better and better and comes from behind. I have even bothered to learn that his name is spelled Kris. You go Kris! Best performance of the night.

Kara continues to annoy, and what is the deal with all of the judges being introduced on stage now instead of from their chairs? And Ryan now gets an introduction and walks down a 100 foot staircase - what for? Does it make you feel taller, Ryan Baggins??

I hope to say buh-bye to Blind Kid or Anoop tonight...

Love & Kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

Top Nine

Last night was top 9 and it looks like we are going to whip through this in an hour and a half followed by the end of society as we know it, I mean the Osbornes. Thanks to the wonders of TiVo I will be watching it in 40 minutes this morning!

Tonight the Idols can choose anything they want as long as it is a top itunes download. Which means I won’t know any of the songs they do. Wah. I like it when they have to squeeze their “artistry” into a “box”. Who is more annoying – Kara or Randy?

Anoop is singing something by Usher – an artist about whom I can’t help but wonder if his House is Falling. Ladies and gentlemen, pop cultural references, Brunie-style! This song is dull and Anoop has a weird chain on his arm. His homies say this girl is crimping his style. And he is yodeling. Oh it is going to be a long night/morning. You may go back to grad school Anoop (although, I hate that Kara and Simon both brought up college – ooh, higher education is anti-cool). And take Kara with you because I am done with her. The score is Kara 1, Randy 0.

Megan is doing Bob Marley! I might even know this song. “the judges punched me in the mouth” – ha! Okay, listening to her I think that I wouldn’t want to listen to a whole album by her, even though I find her voice interesting to listen to. But part of it is that she has that weirdness to her. I think that a good producer could maker her into a Macy Gray or that other weird sounding girl who sings “in these shoes”. But she sounds consistently weird and not in a good way. So far I want to smack Kara, but I haven’t heard from Randy yet. Nope – Kara takes this one too! I hate it when Idol contestants talk about “My fans” because I don’t think that they have fans so much as the show has fans. Wel, except for Adam, because he has earned them,

Danny is up next in a strange blouse. He is singing Rascal Flatts. I picture them looking like raccoons. Danny looks good this week, not as doughy as usual, although he needs to lose the beard-let. He sounds fine. I like him fine. Randy spoke in complete clichés – he may get the point this round. Kara said that “he moved this audience emotionally and that’s hard to do”. Right! This audience is not emotional at all. They just keep holding back, poor repressed things…

Allison has bizarre hair and crazy dress, but she is singing a song I love and she is singing well with a guitar. But it sounded a little muffled to me, somehow. Randy has focused on the outfit rather than the song. Kara too. I am going to give the point to Randy just because he still annoys and I don’t want him to forget. I guess I need them both to make me realize how much more I like Simon and Paula. Simon mentioned that she seemed to shout the song, which could be a bit of truth.

Scott is singing Billy Joel! I hope he doesn’t give me sister a seizure. Oh, it is JUST THE WAY YOU ARE so chances are it won’t. His piano playing is really amazing. His vocals aren’t the sort of thing that is going to impress the judges, but the fact that he is doing his own arrangement and there are a lot of unique bits in there. And his voice is good, too. I am sure the judges (Simon) are going to mention that this was his chance to be current and he blew it off. But he sounded great tonight and if it weren’t morning, I would have voted for him. And that is saying a lot. Kara didn’t bother me – so I must have loved the song. Randy said “one of the best of the night” and called him Scotty. So he gets the point, but just barely…

Matt is still as homely as the day is long. But he is from Michigan and plays the piano so I will give him the benefit of the doubt. He is surrounded by the audience, which seems creepy. I do like this song and he sounds good vocally, although he seems nervous. And he is playing a keyboard, which I am opposed to for moral reasons. I think that in the case of Allison and Scott, their instruments added to their performance. He was just playing backup for himself. Randy says “check it out, dog” – a classic! But he was cogent. Kara is asking him to make a commitment. She is so needy – she gets the point.

Lil is singing Celine Dion, which I am torn about. I want to hate Celine Dion because she sings in the range that dogs can hear. But she is Canadian. It is impossible to hate Canadians. Lil appears to be wearing a wig! (Last week I commented on her pretty hair and Mrs. Cyn pointed out that it was unlikely that her hair grew 4 inches in a week. Wigs are so outside my frame of reference I had to look them up on the internet. Yep, they are real.) So she sang well and her babies are there! And they aren’t even looking at her. They are tired babies. She sounded good, and I like her. I doubt she is leaving. (and Kara gets the point for saying “Eric Carmen, what?”. Just because. Okay, so Lil started crying and it really seemed to me that she was crying because her kids were there, because the judges weren’t that mean.

Adam is singing PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC. Oh my… He is doing that creepy thing with his face again. He is so much more confident than the others and damn if he isn’t making it interesting – a song I have heard approximately eight thousand times since I was 12. I am not rewinding it, but I would (except that Mr. Crow is getting out of the shower and would commit ritual suicide if I made him watch it). Do you think that Paula wrote down her comments ahead of time and memorized them? Randy used the word “corny” which I love. Adam thanks the band! He is so gracious! Kara used the phrase “up in here” which is slap-worthy. She gets the point.

And they are pimping Kris tonight! He is playing keyboards. And singing AIN’T NO SUNSHINE, which I love. Of course it is one of my greatest hits but perhaps he can do it justice. And there is a caterpillar crawling across his lip! Oh, Kris, don’t mar your beauty. His vocals sound great for someone who is also playing piano. He may be a better musician than I originally thought. Although he looks like he is passing a stone on the last note. Kara counted her words tonight so I give her the point.

So tonight the big winners for me are Adam and Scott.
The safe because they didn’t suck are Danny, Lil, Allison and Kris.
The perhaps damned are Megan, Anoop and Matt.
And the big winner for most annoying judge is Miss Kara!

Brunie – OUT!

Bye - Sarver!

My dream came true and I now don't become enraged by any of the remaining contestants. Huzzah! To celebrate, I will post a quote from Jacob at TWoP, who summed up Wednesday night's show perfectly:

Matt G took two things that are not really all about sex -- himself and the song about getting it on -- and managed to make that less true than you might think. Kris Allen did his whole thing, and was a movable feast as usual, but seems to be losing weight. Scott no longer has a place in this competition, but becomes personally cooler every week. Megan Joy never had a reason to be here, and loses ever more charm each week. Anoop is a serious contender and his voice is like a well-trained beast that will get you a beer from the fridge. Sarver is a well-trained beast that will get you a beer from the fridge. Lil was awesome in about six decades at once. Adam Lambert explained through words and pictures that he is going to be winning this shit nine weeks from tonight. Danny Gokey has a voice and a cuteness, which is just not enough, and we've officially seen all he's got to offer. And then there's Allison, who is a weird savant at being on this show.

And I agree with him on all of that!

Brunie, OUT!

Not the best night for some favorites...

Thank God we get to listen to some excellent songs tonight! I enjoyed the Motown episode, and my critique goes something like this...

Matt: Matt's segment with Smokey was really touching. Man, how great must it be for Smokey to tell you that Marvin Gaye would have loved your version of his song! WOW! Matt was great and I continue to feel the love for him.

Kris, formerly Forgettable Guitar Boy: I did not forget guitar boy this week, and in fact I think that was his best performance. How sweet it is is a very simple song that could have been boring, but he did a very nice job with it. Good for you Memorable Guitar Boy!

Blind Kid: Sheesh. Can we please let him go home now with his boring and old-fashioned should be singing in a Christian "rock" band self.

Meghan: I love me some Meghan but she was just terrible last night. All off-key and messy. Pull it together, Meghan!

Anoop: He did a perfectly respectable job, but he is not thrilling me at all.

Oil Guy: Not good, Dude. You may have some of that country soul but you do not have any of that soul soul. That was really painful. Buh-bye?

Lil: I agree with Brunie that Lil and Danny had the same problem last night. Too rushed. They both have these big, cool, need some open air kind of voices, and very fast songs like they chose coop their voices up in gray cubicles. Stay mid-tempo and slower, kids!! And Brunie, that was a wig! Lil's hair has not grown four inches in one week!

Slicked back anime hair boy, Adam: Wow. Adam and his shiny things hanging off him self has been kind of annoying in previous weeks in spite of his big upper range vocals. But last night he was GREAT. EXCELLENT. SUBDUED YET EXCITING. And I really liked his retro 1960's suit. His best performance.

Danny: As previously stated, Danny picked a too-fast song like Lil. I love him, he is great and wonderful, but last night was not his best performance.

Allison: I continue to totally love me some Allison. Papa was a Rolling Stone is a super-cool song, and she sang it brilliantly! I still want browner tones to her hair, and the outfit was hideous, but her vocals are totally killer. She did blow a few lyrics, but covered it pretty well. She kicks ass!

I've decided that four judges is too many. There is too much time spent listening to them. And Kara is starting to bug me, all her artistry talk, who are you as an artist... She does have a point, but I am sick of her. Three judges is enough already.

I can only hope that the Blind, the Oily or the Anoopy go home tonight.

Love & Kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

MOTOWN!

Oh how I love Motown - the city of my birth – FYI. After the Chevy Suburban I am Detroit’s greatest export!

Matt sang LET’S GET IT ON and he seemed all over the place. He did a squatty little dance. He has a great voice and he can play piano, but he is toothy and dull-ish.

Kris is singing HOW SWEET IT IS and I am kind of excited because I do like this song. He sounds good, but nothing that thrilling. I both he and Matt have great vocals, but it is a testimony to the quality of singers this season that I am not all that jazzed…

(Dare I admit that I can’t wait to see what Adam Lambert has for me tonight?)

Scott (still blind) sang YOU CAN’T HURRY LOVE. I am thinking that he will be eviscerated by the judges, but I thought it was he best performance so far! Of course I love honky-tonk piano. Simon got crayons and Scott was charming. I just wish he could sing better, because that is what it comes down to.

Megan Joy blew chunks with FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE. I could barely listen.

Anoop sang OOOOOH, BARBIE, BARBIE. I mean BABY, BABY – and it was kind of dull. It sounded like it always sounds. He has a nice voice and didn’t put me off my feed like Megan did, but his shirt was messy and he didn’t sell it. Such a nice boy, though.

Sarver is next with AIN’T TOO PROUD TO BEG. He says he is going to “take it to church” which is a phrase I find incredibly endearing. I am still looking forward to him leaving. Smokey tells him to BEG, dammit, but he still has his happy, dopey smile on. He is not feeling the song at all. And I am not feeling him.

Paula is back on her game again – I love smart Paula. She still talks crazy, but I kind of understand her crazy talk. And she knows what she is talking about. In other news, “I am being true to I am” is the most annoying thing you can say to me. Seriously, want to get slapped? Tell me you are being true to yourself. Why do people thing that makes them noble? I blame Shakespeare. Suck it, Shakespeare. And Sarver.

Lil sang HEATWAVE. She had a nice little history moment at Motown. And look at her with her hair down! I got a little teary when she went over to the back-up singers because she just looked to classic Motown. The song is kind of a cliché to me, but she sounded great. And good grief – I kind of agreed with RANDY for heaven’s sake. She still sounded great, and she looked great, but it wasn’t her best.

ADAM!!! Okay, I guess I have a favorite now. I am not poaching, Char, but he is the one I look forward to. And he asked Somkey what inspired him to write it. He is so respectful. And he looks all cute and Chris Isaacs-y! Man I wish I could go back in time and vote for him a million times.

L’il Danny is singing GET READY. I imagine he will sound good. And I laughed when he said “I was thinking – is that going to work? – of course it is going to work. He knows what he is talking about!” He sounds great. He has a good voice, and it is essentially the same performance as Lil, but he isn’t as pretty. So nothing great but he is safe for this week.

I am so glad Allison is in the pimp spot! And I love PAPA WAS A ROLLING STONE. The guitar is so good - wocka-wocka-wocka. She sings real good, but the song seemed too short to me. I guess that is a good sign. Kara wet her pants over it. Simon drew a mustache on Paula. He can barely keep his stuff together he is laughing so hard over it.

The judges entertained me far more than the singers tonight - other than Adam, who I now will claim as my spiritual son. Even though that would make me a teen mom. But he was such an easy baby – always singing and cooing and painting his nails.

I am feeling the love this season – singing-wise Adam, Danny, Lil and Allison are my favorites. Personality-wise I just love Scott, Allison and Anoop. I could care less about Kris and Matt and I want Megan and Scott to die of thirst. KIDDING! But it make me laugh and laugh to think of Mr. Lady Chardonay saying that. My pal Honest Liz will often say it and we will laugh and laugh. This post is taking a disturbing turn. Everyone please stay hydrated. Even MJ and Sarver.

Brunie – OUT!