"That was a kiss on the cheek, when I wanted a kiss on the lips!"

It's almost the finale, woo-hoo! Only one more night of the dullest season evah, yeah! A duel to the finish, yee-haw!

Right.

The opening montage is kind of fun, seeing Lee and Crystal on Day 1, looking geeky and hopeful and so very, very young. Man, this show is not good for the skin. Lee went from dewy youth to middle-aged man in a few short months.

During those early days, who predicted that it would be Lee and Crystal at the end? Crystal, yes, but Lee? It took me half a season to remember how to pronounce his last name.

And Lee's singing first, with his favorite song from the entire season, which to my total astonishment is not "Treat Her Like a Lady," the performance where everything changed for him, but "The Boxer," a song from one of the episodes I missed (Songs of Inspiration Night? whatev). And what a weird choice. The judges have been urging Lee to really break out and go for it all season, so he sings a sleepy tune from lo these many decades ago, brings nothing really new to it, and encourages us all to take a collective catnap. I guess if you're a Lee fan this was good; he didn't do anything wrong, per se. But am I jumping to my feet, as I did after nearly every song during last year's sing-off? (Ah, Kris. Ah, Adam. Sigh.) No sirree, Bob! I am not jumping.

"This night's gonna come down to a duel to the finish!" Randy orates nonsensically, as I howl. Well, that was fun.

Crystal sings "Me and Bobby McGee," which I was glad about, because I also missed this one the first time (how could I have missed so many shows this season when I feel like I spent 99 hours with this crowd???), and she's fine, though I can barely understand a word (it's hot here, I have the fan on; is that it?). Not her greatest performance, but fine.

Why did both kids pick songs with long strings of nonsense syllables? Of all the songs from their entire season . . . Oh, youth today.

Hey, Simon doesn't declare the winner of Round 1! Though I loathe this tic of his, I am strangely LOST without it. (Shout-out!)

Lee's next song is "Everybody Hurts," which I am un-sick of and eager to hear Lee sing. I think he sounds quite beautiful, and I like his more up-tempo version. The judges don't think his voice sounded as pretty as I did (I long for Harry Connick at this moment, yelling at the camera, "Pitchy is not a word!") but they're generally more pleased, 'cause now he's in it to win it, instead of — I dunno, in it for the cute clothes?

(Hey, did you hear that Kara's lobbying for Harry Connick Jr. to replace Simon? Now that, I might actually watch.)

Crystal sings "Black Velvet," which I don't know — am I really the only one? This show has made me face the fact that I know maybe 10 songs written after my formative years. But I can rock the standards, daddy-o! Anyway, she sounds great but is wearing a dress cut very badly for her, which I find distracting. Nothing about the cut of Lee's outfit distracted me, so maybe I'll give Round 2 to Lee, but just barely. By a hemline.

Lee's Crappy Coronation Song is called "Beautiful Day," and as CCSs go, it's not that terrible. We've all heard worse. He does a perfectly nice job with it.

[Update: Apparently this is a well-known U2 song. Oy. See "I only know 10 songs," above.]

Crystal's CCS is, hmm, I can't read my notes. Something about a mountain? It is likewise un-terrible, and she sounds really gorgeous. The judges go Lady Gaga for her, and it looks like Crystal's won it. Well, in the judges' minds anyway, but what do they know, they picked Adam last year. I'm not bitter.

Simon's parting words to Crystal are very sweet, and I was touched.

During Lee's and Crystal's final interviews, I'm reminded anew what a dull, inarticulate group this was. "Why'd you choose that song, Idol-ette?" "Well, it's about dreams, and I have dreams, and so it really spoke to me. Don't ever let anyone tell you you can't have a dream!"

(Because, that means you're not getting enough REM sleep and you will DIE. But I'm betting that's not what they mean.)

So that was our show. Tomorrow night we say goodbye to Sime and crown a winner. Wonder which event will seem BIGGER?

Lady Chardonnay, palpitating (not) from all the excitement (not), and out! (yes!)

Two Out of Three Ain't Bad

So, two are in it to win it, and one is just along for the ride. If Sweet Casey James doesn't go home tomorrow night . . . well, it will be all kinds of wrong, that's all.

Casey opens the show with a song that Randy and I don't know, "OK It's All Right With Me," a dull number that Casey sings very mediocre-ly. (Is that a word?)

I hate when the Idolettes sing songs I don't know. Yeah, I rolled my eyes when Paula chose the Rolling Stones' "Satisfaction" for Bo Bice, but then I sat back with great interest to see what this talented young man would do with a song that every one of us knows by heart.

Think about David Cook's reconstruction of "Billie Jean" and "Hello," or what Adam Lambert did to anything he touched. For me, a particular joy of this show is hearing an Idolette take a song I know well and mix it up.

("Mix it up" being key here.)

Crystal goes on to semi-prove my point by singing a great and familiar song, "Come to My Window," except she doesn't mix it up at all — and I'm not sure that this song called for a harmonica. She sounds fine, but she really brought nothing new to it. (Well, except a harmonica.) Still, it is a great song, and it's fun to hear her sing it. If I were grading the evening, Casey would have a C so far, and I'd give Crystal a B.

Lee has chosen Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Simple Man," and again, I don't know this song, but it's a nice fit for him. He sounds good. An A- performance.

Kara seems to be auditioning for Simon's chair; she has so far used the phrase "having a moment," and now she tells Lee that Round 1 goes to him, a pronouncement usually made by Simon (and no less irritating when made by Kara). Simon, as per usual, has no visible reaction to this. Has he been fully present once this season?

Round 2! Kara and Randy teamed up to choose a song for Casey (which I found odd; Ellen's the newest judge, why didn't she have to share her choice with someone?), and they chose John Mayer's "Daughters," a song I truly loathe, which makes it not unlike every other song by John Mayer, all of which sound the same to me. Loathsome human, boring-as-snot singer. While I like Casey's voice a squillion times better than Mr. Mayer's, there's just not much to this. And with this B- performance, Casey has pretty much purchased his ticket home. (Which I have to believe was his intention — we have seen him be so much better than this.)

Ellen has chosen "Maybe I'm Amazed" for Crystal, a choice that surprised both me and Simon, but I have to say: I LOVE what Crystal did with this. She didn't change the song too much (literally — singing about how she's a man looking for a woman, which I found a tad distracting), but she did things that were unusual for her, singing outside her usual range, putting down her guitar, and using the whole stage. Actually, I found her choreography somewhat awkward ("Okay, I'll walk over here now"), but again — I applaud her for challenging herself, and I thought she sounded great. A solid A.

Lee will be singing "Hallelujah," chosen by Simon, and again I'm surprised — didn't Jason Castro give us the definitive version just two seasons ago? And Little Timmy sang it just a matter of weeks ago! But Lee does a lovely job of it, despite a corny arrangement (that choir! Too much). His nice scratchy voice was a great fit with the tortured lyrics, giving it a different kind of power than Jason's version. I give him an A as well.

So there you have it. The Idolettes' GPAs for the evening are as follows: Casey: C+, Crystal: B++, Lee: A-.

It wasn't a painful hour by any means, but am I wrong to hope that a Top Three performance would inspire more glowing praise than "not painful"? I think not.

Lady Chardonnay, prepared for the white-hot excitement of a Crystal-Lee finale (yawn) and out!

What—the Love Theme from "Planet of the Apes" Was Taken?

Either I am a hundred years old, or these kids are morons. Someone says, "Pick a song from a movie — and you're in the Top 4 now, the stakes are high, it's really gotta be great," and your response is to choose . . . the "classic" song from Caddyshack ?????

Morons.

I don't think Crystal (the aforementioned Caddyshack song-chooser) is in any danger of going home, but if she does it serves her right. Not that any of the other three did any better.

My alternate title for the night: Wasted. Opportunity.

Morons!

Okay, I'm in a bit of a mood. But I'm watching this Top 4 and thinking of Top 4s of yesteryear. Like, well, last year's: Matt "Third Eye" Giraud, Danny Smuggie, Sweet Kris, and Glambert. Not my all-time favorite Top 4, but a thoroughly excellent group.

(All-time best Top 4? Would it be Carrie, Bo, Vonzell, and Anthony? Or Taylor, Katharine, Elliott, and Chris? Just writing these names is making me weep. I am a hundred years old, and Idol's glory days seem so very, very long ago.)

Though I did have a great idea for next year's judges: Dump Ellen (who I love but who hasn't brought anything to the show), dump Kara (long overdue), keep Randy, and add Marie Osmond and David Foster, who were surprisingly good on the otherwise forgettable "Celebrity Duets" from a few years back. (The third judge was Little Richard, who out-cuckooed Miss Abdul by a squillion light years.) Marie is warm and engaging and has very good musical instincts. David is snarky, with a different, more energetic vibe than Simon. Together, they were entertaining and insightful (when they weren't faux-bickering, which got tiresome quickly).

Anyway. I know it will never happen, but that's my dream panel.

Okay, so, so far my post has been a lot of blather without really recapping the show . . . which should tell you how wild I am to get to it! Yeah.

Lee opens with that well-known movie song "Kiss from a Rose." I go to lots of movies, I haven't a clue which movie this song is attached to. He sings it almost exactly like Seal and seems embarrassed much of the time. Does Lee realize he's in the Top 4? Are they all reluctant to claim the title "Winner of the Lamest Idol Season Ever"? That's gotta be it.

You know what I would have liked to hear Lee sing? "Everybody's Talking" from Midnight Cowboy. Or "On the Wings of a Dove" from Tender Mercies. Or "Purple Rain" (from Purple Rain). These would have been great for his voice, and I think he could have done something really interesting with each.

Wasted. Opportunity.

Big Mike's up next, singing "Hold Me" by Michael Jackson from . . . who the hell knows. The only Michael Jackson movie I know of is The Wiz. Though, heck, Mike could've sung "Ben," the tender love song dedicated to a rat — that would've killed. I don't know this song, and I do like the gospel arrangement, it's a nice fit with Mike's voice — but does he knock my socks off, like a Top 4 performance should? Not a prayer.

Mike is the king of falsetto, right? Okay, so let's just ponder this for a second. Falsetto . . . movie music . . . how about the Bee Gees and any song from the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack? I would have LOVED to hear Big Mike sing "How Deep Is Your Love?" or "More than a Woman."

Wasted. Opportunity.

Casey's singing "Mrs. Robinson" and the thing I most enjoyed was his panicked expression when he realized that "the guys" thought he was singing about Kara. Ha! Ha! As I've said before, I like Casey, and he didn't do anything outright wrong, so I pretty much liked the performance. But as I've also said before (two paragraphs ago, to be specific) — Top 4, sock-knocking? Hell to the no.

What would have been a great song for Casey? "Live and Let Die." I think he would've have hit that one out of the park. Or any song from Crazy Heart. Or "Mama, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys." Or "Wonderful World." Or for God's sake, if it had to be Simon and Garfunkel, why that song? Why not the much more beautiful and haunting "Scarborough Fair" or my personal favorite from that film, "April Come She Will"?

WASTED. OPPORTUNITY.

Really, I'm crying now. I love Casey. What a dope.

Crystal rocks the pimp spot with her chosen song from Caddyshack. She brings some much-needed energy to the stage and is channeling her inner Janis, but the bottom line is — it's essentially a stupid song and another wasted opportunity. She's safe as houses, but I am still longing for her to burn up the stage and sing something beautiful and haunting and powerful, something that grabs me by the throat and holds me spellbound for a full minute after she's done. I know she's capable of it. It's the Top. Freaking. 4. What is she waiting for?

Great movie songs for Crystal: "To Sir with Love." (Don't knock it, I saw a spiky-haired rocker grrl burn up the stage with this one a few years ago, and the audience went mad.) "One Night Only" from Dreamgirls. "I Know Where I've Been," the powerful ballad Queen Latifah's character sings in Hairspray.

Sigh.

Both duets were great, though — I'm glad we had those. And according to Simon, Crystal is "back in the game," which – yay? So it's not all bad news.

But this season can't end quickly enough. I don't care who goes home fourth, third, or second. Crown Crystal already, let's throw in the towel and hope for something better next time. Or stick a fork in Idol and declare it done — that would be fine too. I enjoyed moments of this season, but not this tired Top 4. I miss Siobhan and Katie, I guess. Or I am clogged with ennui. I need some Biore ennui strips.

Lady Chardonnay, disappointed!! and out.

p.s. I must blow a kiss to Heaven for its newest angel, Miss Lena Horne, a movie musical goddess who changed the world. "Stormy Weather," there's another great movie song. But don't get me started.

The Puppy Pack!

They are so darn cute! And nice to each other! And from the Ford Commercial, they seem to have a fun time together. I have to say that I would totally love a teevee show about these five wacky kids and their adventures each week. See Big Mike's wife try to throw him a surprise party while "the guys" cause wacky trouble and Mamasox pulls their chestnuts out of the fire. See Lee and Casey both have a crush on the same girl and then it turns out she likes Aaron! Zoiks!

And they have a big production number each week, like the Monkees. Because for the first time EVER I loved the musical number of doom.

[AndI am awfully excited about THE GOOD GUYS - and not just because one of the stars is on Lady Char's answering machine.]

I am at the point where, even though I found last night a little dull, I really don't want to see anyone go! Ooh, quiet, Lady Gaga is on... She is fascinating - like a cross of Kate Bush, Madonna and Yoko Ono. I completely missed Madonna. She was around, but I was not paying attention. I wonder if she seemed this weird to women my age.

But back to the show. I am going to Tivo forward through the filler and will get back with what is going to be my hearbreak over losing Casey, my resignation over Big Mike's departure or my surprise that Aaron's little army of prepubescent girls failed to text enough.

So the whole "backstage with Harry Connick" made him look like a complete jerk! I know he was probably not that bad, and it is the way it was cut. But they really went mean! More puppies! More kitties! More love! And his singing was boring. Snap! He is still cute as a bug. I loved him in MEMPHIS BELLE. And I like his songs. Who knew?

There is a lot of filler this week, but it doesn't seem filler-y to me. I keep watching it, in spite of my desire to Tivo. I think I am just afraid that they are going to send someone home and then my Five Puppies show will just be a dream!

OKay it is down to Mike and Aaron. I suppose either one could go. It isn't really fair because Casey was the worst last night (although he sounded great through this whole show). But I don't really care, because I like him. And not because he is pretty. I guess I like Aaron's voice better, but Mike adds an element of fun.

Oh - bye little Aaron. He is a cute little thing and I hope he will get the Tiger Beat covers he so richly deserves.

Off to work -
Brune, OUT!

Ring-a-ding-dull

Everyone looks very swanky and viva glam tonight, but any resemblance to Ol' Blue Eyes ends there.

Frank was The Man, and I certainly don't expect our Idolettes to touch the hemline of his genius. And my friends, I am here to tell you: They do not. It was a pretty dull show, for the most part, which is especially disappointing at this stage of the game, when our Top 5 should be knocking it out of the park. What we saw tonight was a lot of bunting. Read on . . .

Li'l Aaron's up first, singing "Fly Me to the Moon," a swingin' li'l ditty, and Aaron, looking all grown up in his big-boy tie, sings it sweetly and competently and brings nothing original to it whatsoever. It wasn't bad, it was fine, but it wasn't a Top 5 performance.

(Who else is surprised that Aaron is still here? I have nothing against the little sweetie, I just thought he'd be gone around seven, maybe. Thanks, tween girls!)

Next, it's Casey's turn, and I am not a fan of the ponytail on this man, I must say. I have nothing against ponytails — Mr. Lady Chardonnay grew a ponytail for Mimosa (and cut it off for Li'l Martini), and I looooooved it — but it's not a good look for Mr. James. He's chosen "Blue Skies," another slight little number, and while I enjoyed his performance very much (generally, I'm a fan, and it was fun for me to see him sans gee-tar) – again, it was nothing to write home about, though he did mix up the arrangement a bit and make it more original. Well, more than Aaron did, anyway. The judges were even less pleased, and honestly, I fear for my handsome boy tonight.

As a side note, I have to say that I loved the whole bit with Simon and the Sinatra hankie; a very cool moment, and I believe that Simon truly will treasure it always.

Crystal's up next, looking gawgeous!! She's chosen "The Summer Wind," and it's a nice, controlled performance — I get a cool Peggy Lee vibe from her — but she never breaks out, really, which we're all looking for her to do, and given what she's capable of, this is all pretty underwhelming. She really looks great, though — and did I hear that she's sporting a diamond on her left hand? You know what they say about the single ladies, boyfriend. Man up already.

Big Mike is our penultimate singer (I look for every opportunity I can to use the word penultimate) and does a really lovely job with "The Way You Look Tonight," a song it's almost impossible to screw up. Which he doesn't. But I'm curious: Has Mike's voice/style/presentation changed one iota from the first moment we saw him? As a singer, he seems to have evolved the least. Again, I never was a big fan, so I probably cut Mike less slack than I cut Casey. But he always sounds pretty much the same to me.

(The judges are considerably more whelmed and praise him to the skies, which are bluer for Mike than Casey, that's for sure. I will argue that most of the accolades should go to the song. Then again, points to Mike for choosing the prettiest song.)

Comments Mimosa, after seeing Mike standing next to Ryan: "They look like they're wearing the same suit." (She's not watching Idol, she's only here waiting for Glee to start.)

When I hear that Lee is singing "That's Life," I groan a little; this song seems to be de rigeur for Sinatra/Rat Pack night, and it's not my favorite. But Lee does a fantastic job with it; it is just the right song for him, and he has another one of those nights. Well, good for Lee.

(I missed the judges' response because I was making phone calls; we're having a small crisis in my circle of friends, and if you're a praying sort, please pray for Li'l Martini's best friend, who's been throwing up since Saturday and is being taken by ambulance to Children's Hospital tonight. He's the sweetest boy; I know he's in the best hands and he's going to be fine, but you can't help worrying.)

Tomorrow night, watch for them to do that awful thing where, say, Casey and Crystal are on one side, Lee and Aaron are on the other, and Ryan makes Big Mike try to guess who the bottom two are and go join them. Hopefully, Mike will have the sense of . . . shoot, I can't remember who did this. Bo Bice? David Cook? What I mean is: the person who sat down on the stage and refused to play Ryan's petty game. That is the way to play that scene, my friends. Sinatra-style. Though he'd probably punch Ryan in the nose and call him a punk.

I think Casey's going home tomorrow night, and I'm sad but resigned. Aaron's tweenie girls will keep him in a bit longer, and Crystal's going to win this whole thing, so who else could be going home? It's my blondie bear, pretty much for sure. Oh, well. We both had a nice ride.

Lady Chardonnay, swinging on a star and out!