What—the Love Theme from "Planet of the Apes" Was Taken?

Either I am a hundred years old, or these kids are morons. Someone says, "Pick a song from a movie — and you're in the Top 4 now, the stakes are high, it's really gotta be great," and your response is to choose . . . the "classic" song from Caddyshack ?????

Morons.

I don't think Crystal (the aforementioned Caddyshack song-chooser) is in any danger of going home, but if she does it serves her right. Not that any of the other three did any better.

My alternate title for the night: Wasted. Opportunity.

Morons!

Okay, I'm in a bit of a mood. But I'm watching this Top 4 and thinking of Top 4s of yesteryear. Like, well, last year's: Matt "Third Eye" Giraud, Danny Smuggie, Sweet Kris, and Glambert. Not my all-time favorite Top 4, but a thoroughly excellent group.

(All-time best Top 4? Would it be Carrie, Bo, Vonzell, and Anthony? Or Taylor, Katharine, Elliott, and Chris? Just writing these names is making me weep. I am a hundred years old, and Idol's glory days seem so very, very long ago.)

Though I did have a great idea for next year's judges: Dump Ellen (who I love but who hasn't brought anything to the show), dump Kara (long overdue), keep Randy, and add Marie Osmond and David Foster, who were surprisingly good on the otherwise forgettable "Celebrity Duets" from a few years back. (The third judge was Little Richard, who out-cuckooed Miss Abdul by a squillion light years.) Marie is warm and engaging and has very good musical instincts. David is snarky, with a different, more energetic vibe than Simon. Together, they were entertaining and insightful (when they weren't faux-bickering, which got tiresome quickly).

Anyway. I know it will never happen, but that's my dream panel.

Okay, so, so far my post has been a lot of blather without really recapping the show . . . which should tell you how wild I am to get to it! Yeah.

Lee opens with that well-known movie song "Kiss from a Rose." I go to lots of movies, I haven't a clue which movie this song is attached to. He sings it almost exactly like Seal and seems embarrassed much of the time. Does Lee realize he's in the Top 4? Are they all reluctant to claim the title "Winner of the Lamest Idol Season Ever"? That's gotta be it.

You know what I would have liked to hear Lee sing? "Everybody's Talking" from Midnight Cowboy. Or "On the Wings of a Dove" from Tender Mercies. Or "Purple Rain" (from Purple Rain). These would have been great for his voice, and I think he could have done something really interesting with each.

Wasted. Opportunity.

Big Mike's up next, singing "Hold Me" by Michael Jackson from . . . who the hell knows. The only Michael Jackson movie I know of is The Wiz. Though, heck, Mike could've sung "Ben," the tender love song dedicated to a rat — that would've killed. I don't know this song, and I do like the gospel arrangement, it's a nice fit with Mike's voice — but does he knock my socks off, like a Top 4 performance should? Not a prayer.

Mike is the king of falsetto, right? Okay, so let's just ponder this for a second. Falsetto . . . movie music . . . how about the Bee Gees and any song from the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack? I would have LOVED to hear Big Mike sing "How Deep Is Your Love?" or "More than a Woman."

Wasted. Opportunity.

Casey's singing "Mrs. Robinson" and the thing I most enjoyed was his panicked expression when he realized that "the guys" thought he was singing about Kara. Ha! Ha! As I've said before, I like Casey, and he didn't do anything outright wrong, so I pretty much liked the performance. But as I've also said before (two paragraphs ago, to be specific) — Top 4, sock-knocking? Hell to the no.

What would have been a great song for Casey? "Live and Let Die." I think he would've have hit that one out of the park. Or any song from Crazy Heart. Or "Mama, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys." Or "Wonderful World." Or for God's sake, if it had to be Simon and Garfunkel, why that song? Why not the much more beautiful and haunting "Scarborough Fair" or my personal favorite from that film, "April Come She Will"?

WASTED. OPPORTUNITY.

Really, I'm crying now. I love Casey. What a dope.

Crystal rocks the pimp spot with her chosen song from Caddyshack. She brings some much-needed energy to the stage and is channeling her inner Janis, but the bottom line is — it's essentially a stupid song and another wasted opportunity. She's safe as houses, but I am still longing for her to burn up the stage and sing something beautiful and haunting and powerful, something that grabs me by the throat and holds me spellbound for a full minute after she's done. I know she's capable of it. It's the Top. Freaking. 4. What is she waiting for?

Great movie songs for Crystal: "To Sir with Love." (Don't knock it, I saw a spiky-haired rocker grrl burn up the stage with this one a few years ago, and the audience went mad.) "One Night Only" from Dreamgirls. "I Know Where I've Been," the powerful ballad Queen Latifah's character sings in Hairspray.

Sigh.

Both duets were great, though — I'm glad we had those. And according to Simon, Crystal is "back in the game," which – yay? So it's not all bad news.

But this season can't end quickly enough. I don't care who goes home fourth, third, or second. Crown Crystal already, let's throw in the towel and hope for something better next time. Or stick a fork in Idol and declare it done — that would be fine too. I enjoyed moments of this season, but not this tired Top 4. I miss Siobhan and Katie, I guess. Or I am clogged with ennui. I need some Biore ennui strips.

Lady Chardonnay, disappointed!! and out.

p.s. I must blow a kiss to Heaven for its newest angel, Miss Lena Horne, a movie musical goddess who changed the world. "Stormy Weather," there's another great movie song. But don't get me started.