Everybody Must Get Stoned

It's Stones night, and I am one happy mama! I love the Stones, especially Keith, I love when the Idolettes sing songs I know, I am high on life.

And if I'd bet on "lost" as the drinking-game word of the night, I'd be considerably snockered right about now. Too bad.

Setting the tone for the evening is Michael Lynche, who is feeling no pain; he owns the stage, and the crowd goes wild. It kind of doesn't even matter what his vocals sound like (though he sounds pretty good); he is such a giant chocolate teddy bear, and his joy is infectious. And his version of "Miss You" is also a lot of fun (I kinda like it better than the original, in fact — don't tell Keith!!). A great start to the evening, or, as Randy says, "Dawg, you slayed it."

My girl Didi Benami is next, singing one of my favorite Stones songs, "Play with Fire." Hmm — half of me likes her torchy rendition, half of me is finding it a little weird, and it seems like she hit a bum note at the end. I do still love her voice, though; she's got this little twang that I find very appealing. Potato, potahto, BeckEye!

Casey James has decided to channel Bad Blake tonight, singing, "It's All Over Now," and the result is smokin'! I LOVED it. (Though Simon's comment, that Casey still needs to push himself, is not unreasonable.)

Lacey Brown chose the song that used to be my son's lullaby, "Ruby Tuesday," and does all kinds of weird twisty Lacey things to it, and I'm growing weary of her vocal acrobatics. I was looking for a BIG chorus here, but she just kept on keeping on with her sleepy version (and later Ellen used the word "sleepy" as well, so I'm totally right). Li'l Martini was disgusted: "You used to sing THAT to me?" "Yes, but better," I said. Then I notice what she's wearing: a lacy beige half-slip over her nice striped shirt, which: odd. Though it reminds me of when I was in college and used to wear all these cotton slips I bought at Goodwill, you know, as outerwear. You can do that when you're in college, or at least at my little hippie college you could. But we're grown-ups now, and even Madonna wears her underclothing actually under her clothing.

Li'l Martini: "You're not going to judge her on her outfit, are you?"

I sent him to bed.

Up next is Andrew Garcia with "Gimme Shelter," and honestly, his vocals didn't bother me at all. He's still not my favorite, but I didn't have to fight the urge to stab my ears with pointy things, and that is a huge step forward in the healing, friends. The Stones!! They are so magic!! (Ellen Chardonnay DeGeneres calls it his best performance yet, and I am forced to agree.)

Little Katie Stevens has chosen to sing "Wild Horses," and I feel bad for her. In her brilliant book Sex Tips for Girls, Cynthia Heimel suggests dancing aerobically to Stones music as a fun path to physical fitness, though she cautions you to avoid songs like "Wild Horses" (not aerobic) and to dance like Mick rather than Keith. Mick is aerobic. Keith mostly stumbles. The point is, I think "Wild Horses" is a major snoozer, though Katie looks very pretty, very age-appropriate for once, and gives it a sweet teenage yearning that I didn't anticipate. A good-not-great performance, but she's getting there.

Tim Urban sings "Under My Thumb," and I keep thinking of our reigning Idol, sweet young Kris — isn't Tim basically Kris Lite? Perfectly cute, perfectly nice, perfectly competent, not going to set the world on fire any time soon — just a nice, nice boy. The difference, I guess, is that Kris really was capable of greatness on occasion, and I don't think Tim's there — but anyway. It was a perfectly nice performance, and I guarantee no one will ever give it a second thought. Except for the people reading this sentence right now.

For the second time tonight, Kara refers to Randy and Ellen as "the guys," which is just so weird. Did Kara ever call Paula a "guy"? Man, she is grating.

I start doing math in my head, counting the remaining singers and my thus-far-unsung favorite Stones songs and wondering if I'll get lucky — and, shaZam! Here's my favorite girl, Siobhan Magnus, singing my favorite song, "Paint It Black"!!

. . .

. . .

(That blank space is a moment of silence for Siobhan, who rendered me speechless.)

(LOVE.)

(HER.)

Unfortunately, someone has to follow la diva, and it falls to poor Lee DeWyze, who sings "Beast of Burden," sounds a lot like yesterday's Casey James, and never really ignites. It's fine, and I still love his craggyy voice, but the arrangement was too familiar and therefore dull.

Hey, something's gotten into Ellen tonight — she finally seems comfortable at the judges' table, and her comments have ranged far beyond her usual "great." Someone got the lady a thesaurus! Good on her.

Paige Miles is wearing an unfortunate outfit — what's with all the shorts over dark stockings? Is this a hot new look? yikes — and rocks out a little bit with "Honky Tonk Woman," but it's still a little off. Maybe it's her laryngitis, but my fear is that she's this year's Lill Rounds — an undeniably good singer, but an inability to really connect with a song and the audience. I don't remember her from Hollywood, so I'm still waiting for this great voice that Simon keeps talking about. I hope I get to hear it.

When I heard that little Aaron Kelly was singing "Angie," I did my first (well, and only) spit take of the night, but he does a very sweet job of it. (I can't imagine ever writing a review of Aaron's singing that doesn't revolve around the word "sweet.")

Closing the show is Crystal Bowersox, singing another of my favorite Stones songs, "You Can't Always Get What You Want," and while the judges were a bit less whelmed, I thought she was fantastic. Less folk-y than usual and more rock-y, she was polished and professional, simultaneously hot and cool, and she sounded sublime. Love the song, love her, loved the performance.

So that was the show, and given all the bitching I've done about this season's lackluster talent, I have to give the Idolettes their props: They are a pretty good group after all.

Going home? I have no idea. Tim and Lacey were the weakest, but I suspect that each has a cult-like fan base, so the lower-wattage Andrew, Lee, Didi, Katie, or Paige could be in trouble instead. Yes, it could be any one of these seven. You heard it here!

Lady Keith Chardonnay Richards, OUT!