Laid-Back Ladies

It's a calm, peaceful, low-key evening here at Idol tonight, which is odd, since this is the chicas' last chance to make the Top 12. But rather than sing for their lives in an all-out musical catfight, they're taking the mellow road. S'cool, baby.

First up is Katie "17!" Stevens, who sings "Breakaway" by Kelly Clarkson pretty much exactly like Kelly Clarkson, except maybe not quite as good, though Katie sounds fine and has a very nice voice. It's a low-energy performance, which (spoiler!) beautifully sets the tone for the rest of the show. Ellen says, nicely, "Child, you're 17, what on earth do you have to break away from?", and Katie replies that she's breaking away from her small town and that this song is actually quite meaningful for her, which makes me like Katie lots and lots and wish her well. Simon is also gracious with the child, which makes me go all shmoopy. I think they really like this girl and are feeling bad that she can't come back in a few years. There's the Allison Iraheta brand of 17, where you know exactly who you are, you own the stage and take no prisoners, and then there's the Katie Stevens brand, where the pieces are all there and you can kinda make out the pattern, but you haven't put the whole puzzle together yet. Well, we'll see.

Next is Siobhan Magnus, who, I just found out, I'm one degree of separation from; a woman in my writing group is pals with Siobhan's parents, which is totally cool. Siobhan sings "House of the Rising Sun" and I don't write a single word while she's singing, I am utterly mesmerized. Beautiful. Stunning. Dare I say . . . Lambert-esque? LOVED her performance.

Lacey Brown has adorable green fingernails and sings "The Story" in her scratchy Lacey voice while seducing the camera. (Li'l Martini was put off by her lipstick indulgences.) She's fine. If you like her, and I generally do, you'll like this performance okay, and if you don't you won't. She probably won't go home tonight, but I see her as an early boot from the Top 12.

I see that my nemesis Katelyn Epperly is up next, and I brace myself . . . but then she comes out looking relatively normal (except for the wild pink halo, but I blame the lighting guy for that) and sings a pleasant song from my youth ("I Feel the Earth Move") in a perfectly nice voice, and I have to struggle to remember why I dislike her so intensely. It's not a bad performance at all, but again — it's curiously laid-back and relaxed for a night with so much at stake. And isn't this girl in a band or something? You'd think she'd have more performance chops. I'm left stymied, but — good news! — I'm all done hating. Which, I'm sure, will be an enormous relief to Katelyn Epperly.

My girl crush Didi Benami is up next, and I learn from Ryan that I've been mispronouncing her name all this time. Unless Ryan is mispronouncing it. He says buh-NAW-mee, I say BEN-uh-mee. What do you say? Let's vote, then we'll tell Didi. Anyway, she sings Fleetwood Mac's "Rhiannon," and while I would have loved her to pick up the tempo a bit (no! not on Mellow Night!), I think she sounds great and unique and I continue to love her.

Oh, poor Paige Miles. How do you screw up "Smile"? The title alone is a pretty simple stage direction, miss! This song should not be a major downer! Okay, I will stop kicking, but I was bummed for her because she does have a nice voice. But I fear we shall not hear it on this stage again.

Crystal Bowersox bats seventh, singing Tracy Chapman's "Give Me One Reason," a song that sounds like every other Tracy Chapman song (which, bleh — not a fan), but Crystal makes me like it; her voice is so clear and true and beautiful, and she is such a poised and compelling performer. I haven't actually seen the boys sing yet, but from what I hear it seems like this contest is Crystal's to lose. But I've been wrong before! Pretty much every year, in fact.

(I paid close attention to what Crystal was wearing tonight, as it occurred to me that I couldn't recall a single outfit ever worn by Crystal – and even while staring straight at it, I couldn't tell you exactly what she was wearing. A — shirt? And — pants? A shapeless, colorless garment with arms and legs, I can tell you that. Intriguing.)

Bringing us home was gray-haired Lilly Scott, singing the Patsy Cline classic "I Fall to Pieces," and I have just one word: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Okay, I'm a liar, I have three more words: NO! NO! NO!

I'd really hoped that Kellie Pickler's "rendition" of "Walkin' After Midnight" was the worst Idol mutilation of the glorious Ms. Cline I would ever have to endure, but no. No! NO!

This, for me, was excruciating.

I don't think Lilly's going home, though. I think we're likely to say goodbye to Paige Miles, Lacey Brown, Katelyn Epperly, or Katie Stevens (likeliness of leaving in that order — I'm guessing that some Mama Bears were moved into ferocious protectiveness of little Katie, and that will keep her alive another day). Crystal B'sox is safe as houses, and I think Siobhan, Didi, and Lilly will easily join her in the Top 12. But who will fill those last two slots? Your guess is as good as mine.

Now bring on the boys! (Wow, if I had a nickel . . .)

Lady Chardonnay OUT!