Joe Mama and Family Hospitality

Yesterday was the most fun IDOL night so far!

High points:

Shannon the belcher - what the hell were you thinking? Do not screech Janis Joplin. But I honestly think that with a better song they would have liked you.

Silly string rocker guy - you are lovely!

Brittany and Corliss - you should get your own reality show! I won't watch it because I hate that shit. But I like you.

Otherwise forgettable girl that sings one of my favorite songs, At Last.

Yes, I realize that that is not a tremendous number of high points. The reason it was so awesome was because Little Wilbur and watched it at his best friend's house. I never realized that the audition shows, which usually just carbonize little bits of my soul, are actually a bucket of fun when watched with beer snacks and friends! Joe Mama (the best friend) has the dryest sense of humor ever bestowed upon a nine year old. And his parents, Mr. and Mrs. Mama, watch with a sense of enjoyment that Mr. Crow, frankly, lacks.

We ate really good snacks, belched loudly, made boob jokes, and had a wonderful time. We are inviting ourselves over again next week!

Until then -
Brunie, OUT!

"I'm going to explode, and happiness will just go flying everywhere!"

I liked:

• Cute Jason, the lyric-forgetter.
• Rocker David, with his quiet confidence ("I think my voice will get me through, but I may not be what they're looking for"—what a cutie! Daughtry 08?).
• Sweet gay Leo—we would totally hang out.
• Ryan as judge. Fabulous.
  

And even though it's not the hip attitude du jour, I have to say that I LOVE Montage O' Suck. It gets right to the point and dispenses quickly with the freaks. I wish the entire freak portion of the auditions could be Montage O' Suck, frankly.

And then to follow it with a Montage O' Swell! My goodness! Have we ever seen such a thing (other than the rushed collage of "By the way, these people made it too" that we sometimes get at the end of an audition show)? And . . . what an odd-looking boy. Hmm. His voice is good, but . . . wow.

During commercials, Mimosa and I amused ourselves by smothering Li'l Martini with kisses, which made him scream. Then, in this hilarious Barry White voice (he's 7), he growled, "The ladies attract me easily." Which made us scream (with laughter). And THAT was the most entertaining thing that happened between 8 and 9 at the Chardonnay household, my friends.

Lady Chardonnay OUT!

"I don't think you're as good as you think you are"

Wow, my little brother used to say this all the time! Well, what he said was, "You're not so big." Still. Good burn, Simon!

Not a whole lot stands out regarding the last few nights (I have sharper memories of the previews for that lie detector show—Mimosa said, "I can't believe she doesn't care about the starving African children!"), and certainly no one displaced my Idol boyfriend, Cowboy Drew. I did make a new best friend, but it was short-lived. To my TOTAL SHOCK. Who was this new AmyMandisaGina? Read on! Because THIS . . is American Idol.

(da-dah!)

Some noteworthy auditioners, for reasons good and bad:

• The single dad with the long-haired mush-mouth daughter—it stunned us to realize the daughter was a boy. My son, Li'l Martini, was particularly disturbed. "Dude," he kept saying.
  
• Michael, a good-looking Australian boy with a very nice voice, who sang my all-time favorite Otis Redding song. I think he's this year's Ace.
• Alberto, the hippie nature freak, LITTERED as he floated away. Somewhere, an Indian is weeping.
• Michelle and Jeffrey, the big brown brother-sister pair—much to my surprise, they sounded lovely! It will be interesting to see how far they go.
  
• London, with the pretty voice and the dead father—doesn't she look just like "no R-rated movies" girl? I like them both, I just think we're seeing a lot of the same girl this year. Carrie, without the country.
• My new best friend, Lyndsey the Air Force pilot—loved her, loved her voice, was sooooo happy that my Idol BFF had arrived! And then—they didn't pick her?! I am simply astounded. I thought she was great. Certainly as good as:
• Amy Catherine, the virginity cheerleader, who has a perfectly okay voice but sang a song that was way too big for her. What are they thinking, picking one and not the other?!
  

Fox was irritating last night, our reception kept going in and and out, so I heard not one note of Miss "Here's my chest, here comes the rest" Aretha. Which I regret. Profoundly.

On Tuesday, I reallyreally liked Carly, the tattooed Irish girl, but seeing her again on Wednesday—I think it was the wine talking. Possibly not for the first time.

Lady Chardonnay OUT!

"If she were a doggie, I'd walk her / If she were Columbo, I'd Peter Falk her"

That (written by Paula's stalker) was the Best. Song. EVER. I could've listened to it all day. Well, we sort of did, but still.

To my surprise, I'm enjoying the auditions more than usual. The producers seem to have found a decent balance between good singers, attention-starved freaks, and the truly sad. Yes, I could do with zero of the latter, though on occasion there's overlap between groups 1 and 3 (sweet girl with the sick baby, for example). But I've laughed out loud more than once, and that's saying something.

The Good Singers
No one really stands out for me yet; we have 20 pretty blonde girls with pretty voices (one fights in a cage; one's last name is "Stalker", one was on meth, one is "the best singer we've heard so far"—sure she is), and a handful of pretty black girls with pretty voices—fine. There's a pretty black boy with dreads, who thinks he has "a lot of growth potential"—well, his ego sure does. And there's Cowboy Drew, my new Idol boyfriend, who sings to his tractor; the judges were underwhelmed, but I was totally whelmed—he's all kinds of deep-voiced dreamy.

The Freaks

• Glittery Alexis—put her in a sequined tube top, it's the potty-mouthed freak from two years ago. ENOUGH.
• Mr. Chest Hair (it's American Hot Wax Idol!), who I should've hated but I liked his smile, so I'm choosing to believe his family is being held at gunpoint or something, and he did this under duress.
• Princess Leia. Charming girl. Yeah.
• Fingernail guy, even though he was an okay singer. Dude. Seriously. You will NEVER see a girl naked now.
• The next governor of Oklahoma—he's in Wikipedia under "whatever."

The Sad

• Temptress and her barely breathing mother. Said daughter Mimosa, "They just broke my heart." And that was before she even sang. (Mr. Lady Chardonnay happened by at that moment—he does not watch Idol—and said, "That was . . . cringe-worthy. They put that on national TV?" Oh, Mr. Lady C. Dear little naif.)
• Tammy Deadpan. (I shouldn't laugh, but the deadpan kill me.)

That Wacky Borderline Between Freakish and Sad, Which Seems to = Funny

• James Lewis, who sang "Go Down Moses" without moving his lips, mouth, or tonsils, and somehow made "people" a one-syllable word—a terrible singer, but he brought me much joy. Is that wrong?
• Yuka, who gave us this beautiful quote: "I want to love a girl from the hair to the the nipple." As who among us does not?

Other things worth noting:

• The mid-show recap of things we saw . . . two minutes ago. Idol clearly knows its none-too-bright audience.
• Paula "signing" along with that last up-with-people number. I audibly whooped.
• Randy's sideburns!

THIS . . . is American Idol.
I . . . am Lady Chardonnay.
And . . . OUT!

Teachable Moments

The first few weeks of Idol are quite painful. I watch them because I like to have someone to root for during the Hollywood show, even if it is someone who I have been programed to like because they used to be fat or made an album called "Jesus Loves Me" when they were four.

In addition to finding someone upon whom I can temporarily pin my hopes, these weeks serve a second purpose.

I use them to try to teach my children the difference between making fun of someone who is sad and delusional and someone who is clearly in on the joke.

Crazy eye make-up girl as opposed to chest-waxing princess Lea in bondage.
Princess Lea who thought she had a shot versus "stalker" guy.

I am ashamed for the show when they try to get laughs at the expense of people who are clearly already used to being the brunt of other people's mean spirited laughter. Bad show, bad...

I am just going to try to slog through until they start singing for real.

Here's hoping we get there quick!

Brunie