"I wish you could taste what I taste right now!"

And that word is: love.

Oh, how I heart Neil Patrick Harris!!! And it makes me even more excited for Ellen — a smart, funny judge who can stand up to Simon. Music industry cred, shmusic industry cred, that's what I say.

Mimosa (my 12 year old) and I had to watch last night's episode on something called WiseVid — I forgot to take into account our awesome Prez's State o' the Union Address and tuned in too late. But I could not miss NPH! And I'm glad I didn't, because the pickings were sweet in Dallas, notably:

• Dockworker Lloyd, with the big Chikeze smile and a voice like Ruben's (who gave us the memorable quote above — alas, I didn't see what he was tasting at the time, but Mimosa assured me that it wasn't his golden ticket)
  
• Kimberly Carver — usually, the words "I'm going to sing an original song" are cause for a panic attack, but Kimberly's song was fine, I love her voice, and while she needs a makeover, for sure, I really really like her — she's my new besty
• Erin "Barney Kid" Rhodes — didn't love her baby voice but LOVED her whip and her sass
• Dave Pitman, young man with Tourette's who sang Sam Cooke oh so sweetly ("I think you're crazy brave," said Neil Patrick, oh so sweetly — DANG me, I love him so!)

Then Neil Patrick left, and young Joe Jonas took his place. At first we groused at this news — a double whammy! Neil Patrick gone, boo-hoo! A Jonas Brother in our face for half an hour, ughy-pew! (We are not fans. Of any Jonas.) (Well, except for Salk — he totally rocked.) But then a small miracle happened, and we grew to love Judge Joe because he was so freakin' funny. Not for anything he said or did, you understand, but for the fact that he said or did almost nothing. Half the time, the camera wasn't even on him when he voted. Even the stolid monosyllabic Mary J. Blige had more of a presence. And his total non-presence quickly threw us into hysterics.

So, lemons —> lemonade, and all was sunshine and lollipops again in the Chardonnay household.

Just in time for Todrick Hall, who sang the second original song of the evening and made us laugh. His voice is just OK, but props for a clever way with a lyric, young squire.

Other notable contestants:

• Dawntoya, who has just a nice average voice, but who sported a great necklace and the best name ever
• Meagan Wright, darling girl with a fantastic smoky voice and a possibly impaired brother — love her!
• Christian Speare, leukemia survivor, sounded a little old-fashioned to me, but a sweet girl nonetheless
  

Hmm, just a few more things:

• Fey Dexter Ward was just as cute as a gay little button, but we felt pummeled by his incessant winking; Li'l Martini ran in from the other room to see why we were shrieking, and insisted that we rewind and replay several more times
• At one point, I saw Kara vote with her boobs — trippy!
  

And finally:

• I really want to hear more from the guy who survived the blood blister — how did the Idol Inspirational Story Seekers miss this luckless fellow?
  

I think we have just one more week of this, yes? And then — we're goin' to Hollywood, baby!

Lady Dawntoya Chardonnay, OUT!

Katy Perry: Beeyatch or Brill?

The Idol blogosphere seems somewhat divided on this question, but I stand by my original statement:

When you're invited to a party, you don't crap on the host. If your bad self must be unleashed, save it for the guests.

If I were an Idol judge, I would like to believe that the other adults in the room had my back — that we were a team, united in our efforts to judge (meaning, praise and/or pan) the young contestants. I would not like having to dodge the slings and arrows of my colleagues' increasingly barbed remarks.

Particularly if I (read "Kara") have already mastered appearing ridiculous all on my own.

I'm no fan of Kara's, but this was absurdly petty and one-sided. Seriously, Katy — you couldn't find anything mockable in Randy's excessive jewelry and used-car-salesman vibe? Simon's ill-fitting wardrobe and clumsy metaphors? Only Kara's over-earnestness required your commentary?

Whatever.

Lady C, oh-so-ready to be done with these wretched auditions, and OUT!

"There is no reality but what we make for ourselves, man"

Thus "exultated" last night's first (and sweatiest) Idol aspirant.

(When he appeared on screen, my children gasped simultaneously, and not in a good way.)

As Idol freaks go, though, Sweaty Neil seemed pretty tame, and I'm not sure why we spent so much time on him.

But wait — I've gotten ahead of myself.

Last week my VCR made me miss Shania (anointed by TV Guide readers as the "best" guest judge yet — the worst, FYI, was Mary J. Blige), but I saw and enjoyed perky Kristen Chenoweth, who brought new life to the Kara-bot. In fact, Kristen was more fun than any of the contestants, though I did enjoy the Human Beat Boxer Jay Stone, who had a nice voice when he wasn't spitting and sputtering. (Personally, I believe that anyone with a halfway decent voice sounds better than they are when they sing an amazing song, such as "Ain't No Sunshine" or "Someone to Watch Over Me" — it's really hard to screw those up. We'll see how he sounds on Country Night.)

When Kristen went home and it was just the Big Three, a wave of longing for Paula hit me hard. Kara takes it all too seriously, as does "Sime" on occasion, and their petulant hissy fits are the Idol moments I dislike most. And surprisingly, it makes me appreciate Randy, who knows it's all a big joke and is there for the paycheck, God love him. I'm looking forward to Ellen, but I still want Kara to go home.

(Except last night I felt very protective of her. Katy Perry is a beeyatch. I had to cheer the otherwise awful contestant who mocked Katy's slutty neckline [after touching himself, ew].)

Back to Kristen-less Tuesday. I was so relieved when the New Jersey sisters who auditioned together were pretty much equally moderately talented; I'm still haunted by the cross-eyed BFF (or, according to her, "BFF forever!") who couldn't sing at all and had to pretend to be supportive of her prettier and more talented besty while the camera pored into her glistening orange face for about seven hours. Yikes.

On to Hollywood and Avril Lavigne!

I liked Mary Powers, the rock'n'roller who sang Pat Benatar with a nice scratchy voice — with a shower and a cute cocktail dress, she will look fabulous and sound great. I desperately wanted to like Andrew Garcia, with the neck tattoo and the adorable weeping father, and I'm glad the judges liked him, but high-voiced men just don't do it for me. (I was likewise unimpressed with the Country Boy Pastor – me and Avril, we are sistahs — and Tasha, the cute singing minister, but the judges were happy, and what more do I ask?)

As for Chris "25 Foster Homes" Golightly, what is there to say, really? It's a sad story (currently playing as "Life Unexpected" on the CW network - check it out!), and he's a sweet boy with a sweet voice. Will he rise to the occasion and soar in Hollywood, or succumb to the pressure and be eaten alive? Now that will be a very special Idol story, indeed.

My alternate title for this post was "The Sound of One Hand Blogging." I think my sister bloggers are adopting a wait-and-see attitude for this, the dullest Idol season yet, as who can blame them? But I will continue to flog this ailing horse as long as the spirit moves me.

(Or spirits — I do enjoy my spirits.)

Neil Patrick Harris tonight! Color me happy.

Lady Chardonnay, bidding adieu (to yieu and yieu and yieu).

"My great-uncle discovered Gladys Knight and the Pips. His name is Clyde."

OK, that is, like, the best Idol quote ever.

I have little to say about last night's show, except that it was harder to guess who would sing well based on his or her presentation. Seriously, did you expect that nice low voice to come out of Guitar Girl?

And this: Only Simon would be an ass to Miss Congeniality. The nicest and best-liked girl out of 50? That is an honor. Period.

Lady Chardonnay OUT.

Déjà Vu All Over Again

Hey, haven't I seen you here before?

So, last night. Some people sang. Some were good, some were bad. Ninety-nine percent of the time, you knew which would be which before they opened their mouths. (Titanium Wrist Boy was my one surprise — I was prepared for him to be a train wreck, but he was lovely! I must've had on my schmoopy look, as Mimosa leaned over during his song and said, "You want a hug?")

The judges blathered and bickered, postured and pontificated.

Victoria Beckham was a surprisingly gracious addition (I thought she'd be a snot), though she seemed to have as many comments about people's appearance as their vocal abilities, which was odd — though also honest, I guess, as this show has always been about both. I'm still bitter about that poor dumpy nanny from years back with the beautiful voice — pre-Susan Boyle, that babe didn't stand a chance.

No one really stood out for me, but I do have questions:

• After those two exuberant back slaps he received from muscular contestants, will poor wee Ryan start wearing protection?
• How did the judges keep a straight face throughout scatting Wizard of Oz chick?
• And then how on earth did she get through? To paraphrase the immortal words of Jeff Spicoli, People on 'ludes should NOT judge.
  
• How does one make a living as an actor on a speed boat?
• Similar question: Is "college graduate" really a profession? Dang, I've been missing a bet all these years.
• Are there any Idol words more terrifying than "an inspirational story of courage"? (Justin Williams! Cancer-free! Handsome, talented, self-satisfied! It's one for the ages.)

My favorites from last night are the aforementioned Titanium Wrist Boy and Jess Wolfe, cute blondish girl with great glasses, whom we saw for five seconds. (Said Mimosa, "I knew you'd like her, because she looks like you, a little bit." My daughter is wise and pretty and good. And raised perfectly.)

Mrs. Cynicletary says she's getting a "jumped the shark" vibe this season. I'm not cuing the theme from Jaws yet — I'm still anticipating the certain joy of upcoming guest judge Neil Patrick Harris — but today, yes, ennui engulfs me. I think I've even written this post before. And I'm newly recovered from stomach flu, I can't even turn to strong drink to lift my spirits. C'est la vie.

Ever thine,
Lady Chardonnay

From Paula to . . . Ellen?

Hmm. A curious choice.

On the whole, though, I'm optimistic. The biggest concern I'm hearing seems to be Ellen's total lack of experience in the music industry rather than her ability to be smart, funny, and entertaining (all of which she has been in the past and is likely to be in the future).

But I believe you could say the same thing about one of my favorite Idol guest judges, Mr. Quentin Tarantino. Musical background? No. An innate understanding of what is entertaining—what makes a performance over-the-top great ? For sure.

I think Ellen will surprise us. She won't be Quentin Tarantino but she'll be as good as Quentin Tarantino, just in her own Elleny way.

My two cents! (which, in the Chardonnay household, is worth a dollar)

Lady Chardonnay, TGIFing and out!

Shock and Awe(ful)

I am stunned by Paula's departure from the scene.

Paula out? Kara in?

NO, Idol. No!!!

And . . . sticking with four judges, a format that's been roundly derided by critics world-wide??

What are they thinking?

And . . . the rotating panel of fourth judges includes (yowza) Posh Spice and Katy Perry? And Mrs. Beckham herself is currently overseeing the auditions with Simon, Randy, and Kara?

I am TRULY at a loss.

Lady Chardonnay, stunned, sad, and out.

Blessed Are the Meek: For They . . .

. . . are the next American Idol!

I take nothing away from sweet Kris. Well-played, well-earned, well done—he had a KICKIN' season, and I couldn't be happier for him.

We've all seen Idolettes who've grown and blossomed throughout the season, but we haven't seen one of them win before. And, I would argue, every season up till now, it wasn't that hard to figure out who would win, if you were paying attention to things like never being in the bottom three. But this year knocked everything I "knew" on its head.

Adam was not for all tastes, and, as I noted before, there were people who would never vote for him for reasons that have nothing to do with singing. It doesn't matter. He is going to have a brilliant career. I'm nothing but happy this morning.

So let's go back in time now, shall we, and talk about these two crazy shows?

Honest Liz hosted a party on Tuesday, which was great fun. Attendees were me, Brunie, Mimosa, Wilbur, Little Joe, and Felicity Goddess Mother (FGM). A great deal of hooch was poured, and my favorite snack was the never-ending glass of Twizzlers. Good times!

The TV screen split, revealing Adam on one side and Kris on the other. Dramatic! The leopard vs. the puppy! See, you think the leopard will win, don't you? So you try to save the puppy. Dang. I should've thought of that. But at the time I'm all, Go, leopard! Sigh.

We speculate over whether Kara did indeed write this year's Crappy Coronation Song. "Kara writes the songs that make me vomit," opined one quipster (much hooch had been poured, it took me an hour to puzzle out the word "vomit" here from my notes—don't ask me to accurately report who said anything).

Ongoing topic of the evening: Would you rather hear that your child was going to jail, war, or Harvard? Don't ask.

FGM waxed rhapsodic over Adam's eye make-up, wishing he'd write a book of eyeliner tips. Ooh, career path! 'Cause (spoiler!) I happen to know he'll need a paying gig, come tomorrow.

We are stupefied by our first glimpses of the judges. Paula has been bronzed and is honoring her Irish roots by dressing in lucky green. And is honoring her whorish roots with her boobage, there is no other explanation.

Simon, not to be outdone, displays his own boobage. My God, it's a forest in there. I shield my daughter's eyes. The boys grow very excited and verbose, and Brunie Lays Down the Law, namely, You don't speak when Simon speaks. We got it.

Adam performs "Mad World" and it's as eerie and beautiful as I remember, and also strangely full of joy, and I love Adam so much. Simon, who's been sniping all season that this is a singing competition, criticizes Adam's . . . coat.

Okay. See, as I "recap," all the signs were there, I just didn't read them, I was busy holding up my empty glass and saying, "Wilburrrrr?" in my most cajoling voice. Yes, I was enticing 11 year olds to pour my wine. Your point?

Kris sings "Ain't No Sunshine" and it's awesome and he's adorable and we had a group swoon. (Honest Liz, I meant to clean that up after—sorry!)

Paula's bright greenness amuses us for the rest of the evening. She said . . . something, and I shouted, "Blarney!" in a lilting Irish accent. Oh how we laughed.

Randy's jacket is likewise cracking me up. After the show he'll sell you a car!

We see Kris holding a prop baby, and I want to vote for him immediately.

Adam comes out wearing such tight pants, Brunie comments, "I can tell his religion from here." He sings "A Change Is Gonna Come" and emotes like crazy. Mimosa and I are drinkin' the Kool-Aid, we sway on the sofa, arms overhead. I wish I had a lighter to hold up. Adam cares. Also, we admire his exquisite dental work. Adam flosses.

Katie Holmes is in the house! Covering Suri's ears! "She doesn't want Suri to know that some men are gay," I whisper. Hee.

"You can sing your face off" is really not a compliment I enjoy. Bad visual. Let's find another one, shall we, Randy?

Kara says "artistry," I yell "Artistry!" and take a drink, which amuses the boys, because they are young. I told them that I also get to drink for "Make it your own" and "rainbow." Not to give anything away, but Kara got me snockered.

Paula said something, and I cried "Paula go bragh-less!" in my wonderful Irish accent. This brought down the crowd, because we are young. And snockered.

And we are just in the mood for a Crappy Coronation Song, which doesn't disappoint. This Is My Shining Rainbow Moment, My Now, While I Climb the Mountain, as sung by Adam and then Kris, and Brunie and I have a minor dust-up over whether it's actually the same song (I say yes, she says no), but as dust-ups go, this one set a new record for minor—(1) see "snockered" above, and (2) once seated, neither of us actually likes to get up. But she felt my wrath, I'll you that.

Folks, I've been working nine-hour days at the computer for the past week and a half (hence, the lack of blogging) and my wrists are killing me, so I must stop for now and "do" the finale later. I will leave you with a final anecdote:

Brunie called me at 10:10 last night and said, "Can you believe it? FGM was pissed." I said, "I haven't watched it yet. Wait, FGM liked Kris, right? Kris doesn't win?" Brunie back-pedaled marvelously but ordered me to watch it, and also said that something happened that made her like Kara after all. Me: "She realized that her song was crap and said that no one has to sing it after all?" Brunie: "I don't like her that much."

(I stopped working at midnight, took a quick hot shower, and fell into bed with the tape Mr. Lady C had made for me . . . which stopped right after Tatiana. So, in fact, Ms. Brunie, you did tell me who the winner is! For which I am grateful.)

Lady Chardonnay OUT! But back again soon.

LaSalle and Alabama!

I could have sworn that Ryan introduced them as LaSalle and Alabama. He is such a mush mouth. And the boys' mics are not working.

Why did they keep Micahela Gordon on the payroll? Carly is okay - at least she was last season. I think I was not even wearing support hose when MG was on there.

SO the idolettes come out and sing ROCK STAR - which is a real song, much to my surprise. And Wilbur says, "I hate this crap..." And I can't disagree. It blows.

Then David Cookie Monster comes out to sing and Honest Liz needs an adult undergarment. He has a really nice voice. He stll looks like he has a giant brain. (Must be all the vocabulary!) He can really sing. The disembodied hands of idol wave back and forth like inferi in the cave of the horcrux!

Then they do horrible flashbacks to the horrible people that I hate. I am sure Norman Gentle will be carrying this bad boy home. And I called the velcro pants. According to HL, "It's going to be a long two hours. Steve Martin is rolling over in his...oh, never mind..."

Lil and her amazing boobs come out on stage and is met by Queen Latifah singing some song I have never heard. For a really long time.

Jason Mraz must be so freaking sick of this song he is singing with Anoop and the girl whose name I forgot weeks ago.

Keith Urban and Kris sing a song that I actually heard before. (Thanks, NASCAR!) They sound fine. I don't really like this kind of country music. Either stay in the roadhouse like Dwight Yokam or take it all the way over to the Jayhawks. This is kind of half-assed pop/country. Like Juice Newton. (Okay, I did love her...)

At the commercials Wilbur would sing "Skip it! Skip it! I'm an angry little boy! Skip it!"

What the hell is this song? Flossie, flossie? Great crapping Hattie. Fergie's shoes scare the living daylights out of me, and her face is scarily botoxed. Wilbur, "I sure hope she falls!" I love the way ALlison yells, "The Black-Eyed PEEEEEEEEAS!" They were interesting.

And then the horror show of women who made me crazy. And bikini girl has new boobs! And Ryan mentions it. And Kara shows us that not only can she sing, but she also has an awesome body. And I like her for the first time in weeks.

And Allison is singing with Cyndy Lauper and Felicity Goddess Mother has an anuerism and dies. We will miss her. Not to be catty, but Cyndy has definetly had work done. She's still odd, though.

So we were talking about who would sing with the near-idols and when Danny came out someone said, "He will be singing with Liam Neeson!" But it was Lionel Ritchie.

And now Adam is singing BETH and I am finally understanding the Sheriff of Sarcasm being in love despite his obvious preference for the boys. Dreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeamy! And KISS comes out and blows everyone's mind.

Now Steve Martin is not in his grave, but rather playing the banjo for Sarver, who sounds good. And Megan Joy sounds a little creaky, but she grows on me. And their harmony is nice. And Steve Martin wrote that song! I like the "took you out to dinner" part.

Commercials come and they are singing DO YOU THINK I'M SEXY? Why? Because Rod Stewart's grandpa is here! He sounds bad, but I do appreciate all the previous singing. When he sings, "The morning sun, when it's in your face, really shows your age." FHM said, "You too, Rod. You too..."

And more horrible flashbacks. And I am forced to see Tatiana again! And there is an unfunny bit where she pretends that she isn't supposed to be making a fool of herself.

And now they are singing QUEEN, because Adam is the lost love child of Freddie Mercury. Incidentally - you must all go read FREDDIE AND ME because it is awesome. The boys sound great, but I want to know who wins and go to bed now... HL says, "Oh man, Kara and Paula..." and Wilbur says "...are DRUNK!"

And now we will find out it is KRIS. We are all in shock. He is a love duck, but Adam is so much better. Even Kris says, "Adam deserves this!" So I love him a wee bit more. And Adam moved to the back of the idolettes. And according to HL and FGM he is crying and his sparkles are falling into Allison's hair.

I can't wait 'til Lady C. finds out what happened...

Brunie, OUT!

As Hall and Oates Would Say: She's Gone

What a quiet trio we are!

I was saying to Mrs. Cynicletary today, there's just something flat about Idol after the fourth runner-up goes home. Maybe not every year . . . but Season 3, I simply stopped watching when La Toya London waved goodbye. Diana, Jasmine, Aphasia? Color me SO bored. Season 4, I knew Carrie was going to win, yawn, I loved Bo and liked Vonzell, but my true favorite was my darling Anthony Fedorov, and I missed him desperately thereafter. And in Season 6, only after Chris Daughtry went home (back to the place where he belongs) did I realize that he'd been my favorite all along.

And that's how I feel right now. I love Adam, of course, and am as tickled as can be that he'll sing against Kris rather than smug Danny, but oh! how it all pales next to my dream of an Allison-Adam finale! My anxiety over darling Allison, her knockout performances followed by her weekly damning with faint praise, her uncertain place on the Couch of Safety—this has kept me riveted, week in, week out.

Now . . . whatev. No matter who wins, Adam will go on to have a brilliant career, and Kris, our Most Improved Idol, will do just fine. The finale . . . just doesn't matter.

I miss my girl!

Oh, well.

I have nothing substantial to say about this week's show, so here's some randomness:

• Random Danny quote: "As the show goes on, you feel the pressure as the show goes on." No kidding.
• Random Adam note: Every week, after he's declared "safe," he mouths "Thank you" to me and to America. My sweet gay son has nice manners, does he not?
• Random Kris fact (I love this SO MUCH): His ringtone is the theme to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!

That's all I got.

Finale party next week at Honest Liz's! Where I shall attempt to get my groove back via festive libations.

Until then—Lady Chardonnay OUT!

The X-Factor

All three guys are excellent singers. It comes down to the emotional connection for me. Adam is very talented and a good technical singer. He has a clear view of his image. But watching him just leaves me a little cold. Kris is also very talented, and a laid-back cutie type of guy. I bet he's a good friend. With Danny - I am feeling him. The emotional connection is there for me and I find him to be the most authentic.
So, I am thinking Danny & Adam in the finals. But, wouldn't it be funny if Kris won it all? Now that would be a surprise.

Love & Kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

Rock on!

Unlike Lady C., I was born this century and love the rock and or roll! It was funny to see Slash's face - not his eyes of course, but look - he does have a nose and mouth! And he speaks!

Adam: He started out with the smarm and fakiness again, but I gotta hand it to him, he really kicked ass at the end of Whole Lotta Love. I have been waiting for him to sing some Led Zep all season, and he for sure did it well. I was also waiting for Slash to say how much he sounds like Axel Rose - but if he did it was not on camera. Kara - he is NOT a Rock God, and you are not a good analyst. She was particularly annoying last night.

Allison: Well I must agree with Brunie that I liked Allison's version of Cry Baby even better than the awesome Janis! She is a better singer than Janis was and I thought she did a great job. She made a strong emotional connection too. I liked her hair - more brown, and more extensions. She looked good!

Danny & Kris: Their harmonies were beautiful! I don't love the song, nor do I usually like duets between two guys, but they did well. Kris looked a little more comfortable, but Danny sounded a little stronger, and he looks good in red.

Kris: Kris is the most improved idol, and he continued to sound good and look relaxed with Come Together. I really liked the breakdown in the middle. And about whatever Kara says - I. Don't. Care.

Danny: The scream at the end was good in the rehearsal take, but in the show he kinda blew it. That kind of screaming is what ruined Steven Tyler's vocal chords. I wonder if Danny has laryngitis today. I love me some Danny and feel sure that he is safe, but it was not his best performance. BTW, Kara - you said that Danny should sing some older Aerosmith than Dream on, like Crying or Crazy. MORON - Crying and Crazy were songs of theirs from the 90's and Dream On is from the 70's - a MUCH older song of theirs. You are just stupid.

Duet dos: Allison and Adam sing Slow Ride. I liked it. She has a lower voice than he! I like Allison in tight pants and clunky boots - good looks! Adam seemed out of place somehow in the lineup last night. And is he wearing heels or something - I don't remember him looking so tall.

So, I am thinking that Kris goes tonight. Finals should be Danny and Allison, but it might be Danny and Adam, or Adam and Allison...

Paula takes the stage tonight? Oh no!

Love & Kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

I Can Stand Anything for an Hour, But That's All

Here are the notes I jotted:

• Slash—was he married to an Everley Brothers daughter?
• Kara's hair looks horrible.
• Paula's boobs . . . are so very visible. For God's sake, I can match drapes to those things.

What I did not take notes on:

• Adam's song
• Allison's song
• Kris's song
• Danny's song

Because ohmygodthismusicbleh. I'm just saying. Your mileage may vary.

I did enjoy the A&A duet—what a magnificent Final Two they would be. And I liked Kris's version of "Come Together" way more than Carly's version of it last year, and as I recall, the judges wet themselves over Carly, so go figure.

For the first time, I got some busy signals when dialing tonight (for Allison)—good sign? Hope so!

Lady Chardonnay OUT.

Rock and Roll all night...

So Slash is the helper o'the day. And I don't know how much he had to do with it but Adam KILLED with WHOLE LOTTA LOVE. Mr. Crow nearly grabbed his heart and fell to the ground when he heard his beloved Led Zep being played on Idol. He said, "Surely Jimmy Page didn't authorize this..." And Honest Liz and I just looked at him as if to say, "Oh yes, no one hardly at all watches this show. He'll never find out.."

So next came Allison and HL and I adored her. The judges didn't seem to share our excitement. But we looked at each other after she sang with a guilty face. Because we both liked it better than the Joplin version. Not that I don't love Janis, but I thought that Allison made it a little more musical. And she was a hoot after with her little saucy talk.

Now Danny and Kris are sounding amazing on Styx's RENEGADE. Shockingly, I agreed with Randy that their harmonies were beautiful. And stronger than the solo parts. Also Kara made me smile for the first time ever by saying, "You are the guys that help the little women cross the street." I am assuming that Danny took Amy will grab Kris's arm and Meg will pat Danny's arm gently as she comforts him for his loss. Beth will watch from heaven with his wife. Jo wouldn't be caught dead with this bunch, but she might see if Allison wants to go skating or hiking or something. [Maybe jaunt to Prince Edward Island to see Anne of Green Gables, says HL.]

Kris hoped to pee his pants in front of Slash which amused me. He sand COME TOGETHER. I didn't expect to like it at all. I am not a fan of this song in general. But he sounded smooth and edgy enough to carry it off. I liked it a lot. And I am shocked that I agree with Randy again. Did someone slip him some make-brunie-happy pills? In other news HL hates Kara. Simon called it "Like eating ice for lunch" to which Wilbur said, 'The perfect meal for the summer..."

Danny is singing DREAM ON "like a dying velociraptor" according to Wilbur. He sounds fine, but it is the weakest of the night. Paula dances and "looks like she should be working for Willy Wonka". He looks like an angry hobbit and he completely blew the scream at the end. In a perfect world, that would be his ticket home. But it might not be. And sweet baby James, I actually agreed with Kara. She annoys me still, but she was accurate.

Adam and Allison sang SLOW RIDE, which I always think of as kind of a dull song, and did a great job. They were cute as bugs and rocked out. Loved them...

Weakest of the night was Danny, to be sure. But his rabid fans might just save his cheesy Wisconsin bacon.

Brunie, OUT!

What are you doing after?

Lady Char and Mrs. Cyn have covered the action beautifully. Everyone with the possible exception of Matt did an amazing job. I was just as floored as the next guy when Adam ended up in the bottom three! And I loved it that Kris went back to the couches of safely before he did. They never said if that means he had the second lowest score, though. At this point I truly don't care who leaves! I really like all four of them and they each have a specific strength which I will tell you now!

Kris Kewtie-Pie- He is the prettiest! But also, he is the most commercial right now. Cheeze Whiz, I sound like Kara - ew... But he is all Jason Mrazzy or John Mayery or Ryan Montbleuy. He has a nice sound and his only obvious flaw is his propensity for making his jaw go sideways.

Danny Deadwife - When I close my eyes and don't have to look at his hobbittey dancing he has the most appealing boy-voice on the show. It is really beautiful. And he (or the powers that be) have stopped beating me about the head and neck with his marriage. Also, he is from Wisconsin. Which is a nice place.

Allison Adolescent - She has the best girl-voice! And the only boobs. (Other than Danny.) She is cute as a bug and is almost a savant at singing! She doesn't seem like the brightest bulb on the tree, but she can belt them out.

Adam Amazing - I am sorry to be so biased, but I really think he is far and away the best performer. He is also the one who started taking chances early and really set the bar for an amazing season of risk taking and stellar performances. When Taylor Hicks was on the other night, I looked at him and thought - he wouldn't have made it into the top 5 this year! Go Adam!

And now, the explanation for the picture. Wednesday night Wilbur and I went to Honest Liz's place to watch with her and Felicity Goddess-Mother. He was so funny all night long. When he first saw Paula's outfit and HL said she looked gift-wrapped he said, "She must be giving herself to Simon." But the best comment of the night was when Paula said that Adam makes her feel amazing. Wilbur said, in a perfect Paula-impresison voice, "Do you want to go to Papa Gino's with me after the show?" We laughed so hard that we nearly fell off furniture and soiled ourselves. The best part is that I have been sending students to Honest Liz's classroom asking her if she wants to go to Papa Gino's after school and it is funny every time!

I just don't know what to hope for next week!

Brunie, OUT!

Best final five ever!

Last night was a fabulous night of songs that I not only do not hate, but that I like. A lot. And I like all of the remaining kids too, so it gets tricky from here on out.

I was pleasantly surprised to see Jamie Foxx as the mentor. He was just perfect in Ray, and is an excellent musician and performer. I thought he really paid attention and tried to give constructive criticism to the kids.

Kris: Kris continues to sound great and to look relaxed. He sang a beautiful song beautifully, although at a couple of points he had a look in his eyes that said, I am about to forget the lyrics, or he remembered that he left the iron on. I don't know what it was, but I saw glimmers of panic.

Allison: WOW! WOOOOW! Someone to Watch Over Me is a gorgeous song and Allison performed exquisitely. She made even the cynical(tary) tear up. Allison will be a huge star! And she looked pretty too. Now if only she had highlights of red in brown hair instead of brown in red hair. We're getting closer though!

Matt: Matt got excellent advice from Jamie on singing a VERY difficult song. It is so easy to get pitchy on this one. Matt had a couple of seconds of lack of perfection, but overall gave a lovely rendition of the classic Funny Valentine.

Danny: Come Rain or Come Shine is another gorgeous song that I learned at my voice lessons in school. I just love it. Danny's runs were perfection and he really brought it on home at the end.The big finish gave me goosebumps! Danny is S-A-F-E!

Adam: Adam chose another beautiful song, Feeling Good. I have the Nina Simone version on my Ipod. He sang it well enough, but the smarm factor was in full effect last night. He did not give me chills nor goosebumps. It was not thrilling. I did not say wow. He looked puffy and he needs a dermatologist. I thought it was his worst performance in weeks.

In general I must say that the song choices and the performances were superior. I think I would only be upset if Danny or Allison goes home tonight. I think Matt or Kris will be the buh-bye tonight, although both of them are talented singers who will have successful careers. At this point, it is almost better to lose so that you can hang on to some semblance of creative control of your music. Last night was Idol at its best - fine examples of real singing of real songs - songs that all the little ones in the audience need to know.

Love & Kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

Guys and a Doll

Rat Pack Night with this oh-so-very adorable Top Five? My cup runneth over!

And it was most entertaining to try to guess this week's guest judge. I thought Matt's ideas (Michael Bublé, Rod Stewart) were good possibilities, and I honestly hoped that my guess, Harry Connick Jr., was dead wrong . . . and then when we saw who it was, well, silly us, because who could be a more logical fit for Standards Night than Jamie Foxx?

Yeah.

But the joke was on me (in case you didn't catch my subtle eye-rolling up there), because I thought he did a great job. Jamie and Quentin, they may not take the path of the more musical mentors (Manilow, say, or David Foster, who were also great with the Idolettes), but they know what makes a good performance, and they know how to communicate that knowledge to someone else. And since this show is as much about performance and popularity as it is about singing, that kind of mentor is not only useful but downright necessary.

Cute Kris opened the show, looking as handsome as all giddy-up (though I wish he'd shaved) and delivering a clean, quiet, assured performance of "The Way You Look Tonight," a song that does half the work for you by being so simply beautiful. It was a very grown-up performance for our sweet young man, and I loved it.

The judges (with the exception of Mr. Too Cool for School) are very glam and shiny tonight, and Paula is gift-wrapped!

Mimosa pointed out that Kris and Ryan are celebrating Twin Day. Oh those dear boys—I think they went suit-shopping together. And then bought those Miami Vice razors that leave just a bit of Don-Johnson stubble. And then made up a secret handshake and became aftershave brothers.

Jamie was so sweet, talking to Allison about who watches over her, that I started to well up a bit. And then my awesome girl stood still and simply sang that classic, torchy song, and the tears poured down my face. What a joy she is. A totally exquisite performance.

(Randy's been cracking me up lately, talking about he "worried" he gets when he hears what songs the Idolettes have chosen. Dude! Try some Ambien for that.)

I like Matt in a hat, but "My Funny Valentine" can be tough to sing (I wonder if Brunie will tell us her favorite singer of this song—in fact, if I remember correctly, the only person she wants to hear sing it), and I'm not sure he nailed it. The tempo was way too slow, and the beginning notes seemed off. (Dare I say "pitchy"? Ah, "pitchy"—the "artistry" of yesteryear.) It was okay, and definitely the most creative arrangement so far, but not a great performance, I fear.

And then Simon opens his piehole, and out pours incomprehensible gibberish. He loved Matt and didn't love Allison? I am at a loss. Is he trying to save Allison by making Matt's fans complacent?

Danny's up next and tells us that he's "not changing [the song] too much," to which I say, "Blow me down." I think I'm feeling so negatively toward Danny because I see him as Adam's main competition in the contest that nobody's talking about: Homophobic American Idol. There are people who simply won't vote for Adam, even if he's far and away the best singer the show has ever seen (which he might or might not be—that's not the point). Which makes Miss Congeniality Danny the winner by default, which drives me bonkers. And if it were Allison or even Cute Kris benefiting from America's bigotry, I might be less bent, but Danny is only my fourth favorite, so I'm pissed.

Anyway.

Danny sings, and it's fine, as expected, and a little dull for those of us who are not Danny worshippers. Whatever. There's a certain sameness to a Danny performance, week in and week out, and while vanilla with raspberry sauce may taste just fine, still, I'm not going to order it every week.

Mimosa: Napped through the whole thing.

And then the judges revealed that they're all on crack, or this is an episode of Fringe, or heaven knows what, as I am clearly watching one show and they are watching another. At the same time! Love slurp dude slurp awesome best slurp winner Danny! Whatever.

Thank goodness for my sweet baby Adam to bring us home! In his Elvis-white amidst the sea of classic dark suits, he reminds me of Tom Hanks going to the office party in "Big." But Adam can pull it off. I can't wait to see what he does.

And . . . it's great, as always, and fun, and entertaining, for sure . . .

But.

I'm a little disappointed, I admit. I don't want Adam's crazy glam rock opera stuff tonight. I want him to stand still and sing some Dino. I want him to channel Frank! I want him to tell me a beautiful story with a haunting melody!

I'll say this, though: Frank and Dean were masters of their craft, who sang their lives and seduced their audiences with their music, and while they might call this kid a punk, they would also applaud the musical risks he takes, and they would appreciate that when Adam is called to entertain, he puts on a show. It's not the way they would have done it—and damn, I would've liked to see him do it their way. But he was totally Adam, as he always is, and I really do believe those cats would approve.

And then they would pummel him.

Time to go dial my fingers into bloody stumps for my girl Allison. I've barely voted this season, but tonight she needs me, according to Simon, anyway.

Lady Chardonnay, OUT!

Disco Facto

I groan about disco night every year. However, I will get on the good foot and put on my my my my my bloggie shoes, and bloggie with you:

Lil: Lil is bootylicious for ya babe! She is a very good singer but I think she is o-u-t. She just never took hold of herself and her image and let it spill out all over America in a happy joy joy way.

Kris: I have never liked Hard for the Money, but Kris' version was palatable. He looks and sounds relaxed and in the groove. I wish he had worn something other than a plain white t-shirt, though.

Danny: Ah, Earth, Wind and Fire, too good to be labeled simply disco. This song reminds me of one of my sisters for whom this song had great meaning. She and her first husband met at a party where this song played. Now, Sis is divorced from September husband, and when I compiled the CD for her wedding reception to husband #2, I could not play ANY EW&F songs because they are linked in her mind to September husband. The power of music! Danny can sing any damn song and he sounded like Michael McDonald last night. He needs some dance training, though.

Allison: Like an old fart, I will relate another anecdote about the distant past. This song reminds me of dancing in Boston at a disco with a SUPER HOT STUFF blonde dude named Michael H. We basically fornicated on the dance floor.Well, almost. Damn he was hot, hot, hot, hot stu-uff! But, I digress - Allison has the pipes! She can BLOW! She has great energy and tension when she performs. Yay Allison!

As they cut away from Allison it appeared that Adam was being eaten by a crowd of chick-lets.
Will he sing It's Raining Men? Will he? Will he? Boo! No. He sings If I Can't Have You. He looks good in a suit. His vocals were perfect and he did not smarm up the stage.

Matt: The idea of Matt singing Staying Alive is frightening. But, it was not nearly as bad as it could have been. And he moves very well.

Anoop: Man, I almost forget he is still on the show. The sound of his voice has continued to improve each week. However, his performance was uninspiring and his last note was just bad.

Since two must go the buh-bye tonight I predict (read hope) that Anoop and Lil go.

Love & Kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

Disco Night!

So tonight I am attempting to blog in "real time" (albeit a little bit later than most...) at Honest Liz's house with Felicity Goddess Mother and HL.

First up is Lil Rounds and her epic ass. Or as FGM put it, "She isn't little in the round area." We were so distracted by her butt that we didn't even listen to her sing. Which means that she didn't do that well. I'M EVERY WOMAN can be a great song, but not tonight.

Kris finally got me tonight with SHE WORKS HARD FOR THE MONEY. He did a Ryan Montbleau type cover of a song I never thought would be interesting to me again. Honest Liz immediatly leapt off the couch and declared, 'I shall buy this on itunes!" I really think (and HL agrees, that he just officially passed Danny in the running.

So Danny Deadwife is up singing SEPTEMBER. This is a great song, but we kept waiting for more. He "worked it out" according to Ryan. He needs to lose the porn-stache. Gross... Simon bemoans the lack of star power and FGM BRILLIANTLY states, "You were only the earth and wind. You weren't the fire." (And he continues to frolic like a hobbit about the stage.)

Allison sang HOT STUFF and it is a boring song. They tried to make it interesting, but that won't do too much. This little girl can really sing. Dress? No. But sing, you betcha!

So Honest Liz just fast forwards through the ads (and well she should) but as soon as she saw Adam and Ryan chatting, she backed right the heck up. And he looks dreamy. He turned IF I CAN'T HAVE YOU into something completely different. COMPLETELY different. I don't know how much input he gets, but he is consistently amazing. And he thanks the band or the arranger every time. He is classy.

And who is this on the stage? Is it Justin Timberlake? Mais non! It is our own Matt. His third eye is covered by a jaunty chapeau. He sings STAYIN' ALIVE and we all agree that he is forgettable. HL does an amazing impression of Kara, "You wore clothes. That was good. You sang words. That was good. You breathed oxygen. That was good." Damning with faint praise.

Anoop is going to close the show. I have high hopes. Of course the facial hair is completely looking horrible. And I love this song. But he isn't doing anything for me. And he ends badly. I think he is looking forward to going home tomorrow night. Paula loved his "growth" and pink sweater. Proving that she is completely on drugs.

It could be Lil, Matt or Anoop going home tomorrow. Frankly Danny could go too.

Adam and Kris are completely safe. And I can't decide which of their performances I liked better. They were both brilliant. Allison should still stick around too.

I am liking the show better every week, which is almost unheard of for me! I am usually completely jaded by now. Can't wait for tomorrow!

Brunie, OUT!

Movie Weak!

Two nights ago, I practically slipped into a coma of boredom watching the idolettes sing the same fricking songs they sing every movie week. I was barely roused by Adam, even! The less said the better. The only thing I will say about it is that my friend, the Sheriff of Sarcasm, pointed out that Matt should be able to pick better songs, blessed as he is by the third eye in the middle of his forehead! (She also said things about Adam that were too dirty to type.) Quentin Tarentino and his lumpen face were nothing to write home about, but I will be going to see INGLORIOUS BASTARDS...

So on to last night. The show opened with an homage to I.B.! Blow me down! (as Lady C has been known to say...) Okay, so they don't do what Kristi hilariously calls "the great and powerful entrance" (Where the judges all walk down the giant stairs wasting my precious time.) but there is plenty of time wasting ahead!

Oh, speaking of wasting my time, Honest Liz said yesterday, "This is THE MOST POPULAR SHOW on television. They could add an extra half hour and let all the judges speak." Word, Liz... It isn't like they don't add more air to the results shows than you find in a Dairy Queen soft serve. And yet look at me watching the whole thing!

Okay, the kids do MANIAC which is a staple of my youth. It starts "Just a steel town girl on a Saturday night..." which sounds like "Just a Smithtown girl on a Saturday night..." and since I lived in Smithtown in my youth, I felt like the song belonged to me. Lame song, though.

Then the kids go see 17 AGAIN. Honest Liz and I are bringing Wilbur and Joe Mama to see it tonight. We are not at all embarrassed to have a date with 11 year olds. Lil made a crack about Danny Deadwife's age. HAW! And they all pretended that Allison likes Zac Epheron.

Okay, I can't remember if there was anything before Jennifer Hudson. And as much as I love J-Hud as a person, I am fast forwarding this song with the weird syllable thing popular music seems to have nowadays.

I can't wait to see GLEE!

They did some padding with Anoop, but I need to get the kids up in 10 minutes so fast forward I will...

Wow! Simon just told Kris that he was brilliant last night. This is why ALL the judges should be able to give feedback. Seriously, do I care what Randy thinks more than Simon? No frickin' way! Lil is in the bottom three with Noopy. I kind of hope it is her, because I want to hear her sing again. My guess is that if it is anyone other than Anoop, the judges just might just use their free save card. And Anoop is safe! And he has that familiar look on his face that says that he has resigned himself to leaving and is pissed that he has to stay.

And Miley Cyrus is singing. Will I be fast forwarding? Youbetcha... Wow, her teeth are huge and she sings with her nose in a shocking way.

Finally, we learn that Matt is gone. And I have to fast forward through the egregious HAVE YOU EVER REALLY LOVED A WOMAN. Will they let him stay? I am all atwitter! I knew it! They don't love Matt all that much, they just know it will make for good TV. And good news for Matt.

Bad news for America - next week is disco week!

Brunie - OUT!