"I watch American Idol like a stalker."

With these words, Heather, aka #8, aka Sunglasses Girl, endeared herself to me ever so much. Alas: not enough to vote for her. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

I lunched with Mrs. Cynicletary today, who relayed her own post in one succinct, prosaic sentence: “I liked the black girls and the last one.”

And . . . so did I, so I guess the just-hit-the-high-notes crowd can stop reading here. But I have so much more to say—with feeling! (“Her hair was like warm maple syrup . . .”)

In one of the night’s great moments, Ryan opened by saying, “Let’s see how they all got here.” And silly me, being as this is a singing show at all, I expected some singing clips—but Mr. Literal Seacrest tells no lies, and see is exactly what we did—an inane montage set to someone else’s music. The only note we heard was little Lisa Tucker shrieking “Eeeeee!” when she found out she’d made the Final 24 (adorably and with much charisma, I noted; you can always tell the great ones).

And we were off!

Mandisa: I’ve already documented my love for this lady, and she didn’t disappoint. In addition to The Voice, she radiates energy, confidence, and joy. First-rate performance.

Kellie: I like Kellie. I want her to have a happy life of sweetness and muffins. But that was not a great performance—she started too low for her voice, and she has that nasal thing some country girls have. (I’m not a country fan, this nasal thing may be highly envied, what do I know.) But people have had a chance to fall in love with lil’ Pickler and they’ll cut her some slack; I think she’s here for a while.

[Mrs. Cynicletary and I had many go-rounds on this topic last year. She thinks if you’re good enough (e.g.: Bo), you don’t need all the back-story stuff; your talent will be enough. I say: Bo made it to #2 last year, and that’s holding the bar awfully high. With very few exceptions, the first people cut last year were people we’d never seen before. Unless Brenna Bratz sufficiently un-charms enough people, I predict we’ll say a quick goodbye to the previously invisible and mute Melissa, Kinnik, Heather, and Stevie. I desperately hope I’m wrong in at least one case. We shall see.]

Becky: She’s beautiful. How can you write about Becky without noting her hit-you-in-the-face beauty? She’s lovely to look at, and she and her sister could be modeling stars. And: her voice was just okay. Bad song choice (though I loved her story about why she chose it)—we needed a power voice here. I kept thinking “kitten with a whip.” Also: barrettes—let’s get one! (I also kept thinking about that great Saturday Night Live sketch, “The World as Seen by John Cougar Mellencamp.”) I don’t get the forelock-in-the-face look, except maybe if you’re going for a I-just-rolled-out-of-my-sex-bed look. To get the perv vote. I don’t know.

Ayla: Ayla intrigues me. Ayla will show us how far confidence, hard work, and good genes can take you when you don’t have the best voice in the room. She clearly listened to the judges and took what they said to heart. Her best performance so far. (And how cute was it to see Kellie singing along?!)

Paris: (who I can’t help thinking of as the “good” Paris) I’m probably the only one on the planet who found all her bobbing and weaving distracting, but there’s no denying that that was a sublime performance. She reminded me of Bo: a quiet, low-key offstage presence, and powerful onstage charisma. She looked adorable and sounded great. Randy said, “It’s like you’ve been doing this all your life!”, which, again, not to toot my own analogy horn, is what Simon said to Bo last year. This girl is a star.

Stevie: I was sorry to miss her performance, because my pal Cindy is making me take a second look at this girl (opera-trained? who knew?), but my mom called right then to talk about my 91-year-old grandpa’s sudden decline, and, well, sorry, Stevie. Missed the whole thing. (Mrs. Cynicletary declared her “weakest of the night” and was amazed to hear about the opera training, as she thought that Stevie ran out of breath a few times.)

Brenna: Did she sound not-great because I dislike her so much, or is that just a perk?

Heather: Fine. Adds an “h” in front of her vowels: “Hevery time you touch me, Hi just want to cry . . .” Forgettable. (I wrote this, then Simon said it. I am clearly channeling a chesty Englishman.) Though I liked her spirited defense of her song choice: “Vonzell knocked it out of the park last year!” Love me an AI fan. But. Still. Bye, Heather.

Melissa: Oh, sad me. I really, really like Melissa the Person, and Melissa the Previously Invisible and Mute Singer is fine and has lots of potential. But of the four Previously Unknown Girls, I fear that America will be distracted by Heather’s Malibu P.J. prettiness and Kinnik’s cool beauty, and Melissa will go before they do. I voted for her four times. I am also prepared for heartbreak and have already bought the drinks. Ah, well.

Lisa: How dear is Lisa Tucker? (Sooooooo dear!) And lovely and confident and possessor of a wonderful, interesting voice. Though I had to laugh when she said, “I’ve loved this song since the time I heard it”—it’s nice to have reminders that she really is 16, and that I’ve had way more pay raises than she’s had, not to mention proposals of marriage. (This is what I cling to.) Not that I’m feeling old. Or tired. Or pudgy. Not at all. (She is so dear! I love this girl.)

Kinnik: Lovely, elegant lady, I really want her earrings, but she didn’t push the envelope enough to make an impression on anyone, I fear. Bye, Kinnik.

Katharine: She was really great, so I’m sort of amused to see that the two notes I jotted are both negative: (1) Don’t smile when you sing “I can’t get you out of my heart”—this is a torchy song. (2) Why are there 95 extra syllables in “Since I fe-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-ell for you,” and why must your chin bob along to each of them? Still, she’s the real thing: excellent training and first-rate talent. And confident! and cute! and sparky! I like her.

Shoo-ins for the Top 6 seem to be Mandisa, Paris, Lisa, Katharine, and likely Ayla. I’ll be surprised if Kellie’s not up there, but you never know. I’m rooting for Melissa, but I’ve faced Idol heartbreak before. It’s made me stronger, also bitter and jaded. But that is another story.

Boys tonight. I’m most excited about the charisma-challenged 12 year old, to see how far he can go; Ace Dreamboat—is he more than just a pretty face?; and George Clooney’s brother, because I’m wildly curious about him. Such fun!

Lady Chardonnay OUT.