Neil Diamond, I Cried...

Wow, that was a train wreck!

Randy, can you pimp Little Davy a little harder please?
Paula, WTF?
Simon, actually you kind of saved it.

And the contestants:
Jason, dull as dirt although the BLUE JEANS song was less horrible than the other.

Big Dave, choosing two songs I have never heard is a double-edged sword. On the one hand they sounded good and I didn't hear Neil Diamond (who I kind of liked as a person, but can't stand as a singer) singing along. However, they were still written by Neil Diamond. So blah...

Brooke, sweet jumpin' Jehoshaphat that first song was crap. It was her worst ever. Worse than HERE COMES THE SUN. I have never been a BELIEVER of that song, but it sucked hard. I did like her version of I AM I SAID even thought she should have kept New York and 86-ed the stupid "not even the chair" line that has always made me enraged with its stupidity. I really liked when her voice broke, I like it when she means it.

Little Davy must just stop. He makes me crazy with his lip licking and his gasping and his closed eyes and he animatronic facial expressions. SWEET CAROLINE and COMING TO AMERICA are both crimes against humanity for which Diamond will someday need to answer and now LD is guilty by association. He makes me deeply uneasy. And I hate the way Randy talks him up. He is a good technical singer, I suppose, but he screws up the words and is loathsome.

Which brings us to Syesha. She is the second best one in the competition right now all around. Both her performances kicked total butt last night. If she stays this good TPTB are going to have to give up their beloved David vs. David finale.

And here is where it lies Brunie-wise:

Best in show: David C.
Best performer: Syesha
Most inexplicably attractive: Jason
Most earnest: Brooke
Most irritating: L'il Davy (that's right, I have taken away some of his letters. So there...)

Brunie, OUT!

America the Befuddled

THAT was shite. I hate hate hate when the voting clearly reflects the size of the fan base rather than the actual performances. I love Brooke and Jason and I'm happy they're still here—but "happy" in the way that I'm happy to have doughnuts for dinner: It goes down a treat (I'm being Carly now, don't I sound wicked Irish? You'll have to take my flaming red hair and Gaelic bosoms on faith), but I know it isn't right.

Oh, well.

Moving on: Unlike my sour sister bloggers, cheese is my favorite food, I love the Up with People numbers, and Neil Diamond = all kinds of happy for me, so yay! If Man David sings "Girl You'll Be a Woman Soon," my Joy of Idol may hit nirvana and top out—and then what will be left of me? Stay tuned . . .

Lady C OUT!

Good news, bad news.

The good news is that Carly is gone. Good-bye Carly. I never connected with you, but that paisley mini-dress you wore kicked ass!
The bad news - Neil Diamond next week!!! GAK - are you kidding? ALW and then Neil Diamond? Is this show trying to garner the one step from the grave (literally or musically) audience?!
I'm in for another week of torture. Boo.
Love & kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

There are singers and then there are vocalists.

OK, no big surprise - I LOATHE Andrew Load of Crap Weaver. However, his full-of-big-old-fashioned-melody songs, makes it clear who is a singer and who is a vocalist.
Vocalists:
Brooke - Oh, dear Honey - that was torture - not as bad as say, waterboarding, but yeesh! Buh-bye.
Jason (Donovan , Jr.)- I really like this kid, but he is a vocalist, not a singer. (Could I hate that Memories song more? Answer - no)
Singers:
David A - The boy can sing anything. His styling was MUCH better this week too.
Carly - I still don't like her, but she can sing.
David Cook - Now I would have thought that he would be more of a vocalist, but he proved himself a real singer. He just sang the song, and did a damn respectable job of it too.

So last night was not bad enough, tonight we have to hear ALW do something on stage - gerk! Will he wear a jacket and tie or continue to look like some ghastly local politician trying not to appear too rich?

Love & kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

To Sir Andrew With Love

So Brunie and I spent the day together, which was lovely and stimulating (hee! that was a secret joke for Brunie) and involved almost no alcohol! And we talked of many things, but not of Idol, not even once . . . which confirms for me that this season is, frankly, a bit dull. TPTB cannot seem to recreate the charisma of Season 5—and even though Taylor is one of my least favorite Idols (my true unfavorite, as we all know, rhymes with "aphasia"), the combo of him and Katharine and Chris and Elliot and Paris and Ace and even freakin' Kellie Pickler was some kind of crazy funky Gestalt, the likes of which we won't see again any time soon, apparently. And it wasn't even that they were the Best. Singers. Ever!! (even though they were good)—the kids this season are perfectly talented as well. But I really want to fast-forward Season 7 to the ending we all know is coming, David v. David, mano a mano, and have that sweet sweaty TV showdown: Tiny Earnest Crooner vs. Gritty Smoldering Rocker. That will be some good watching.

As for tonight—I like Andrew Lloyd Webber's stuff okay, Mr. Lady Chardonnay and I danced to "All I Ask of You" at our wedding, and Brunie and I had a swell time at a local production of "Superstar" (until the fog machines during the crucifixion set off the smoke alarms and we had to vacate the premises—fortunately, she called the theatre to find out how the story ends, so we weren't left hanging, because, that ending? Kind of a downer), but I'd rather chew off a limb than sit through "Cats" or "Joseph." The one ALW show I can wholeheartedly embrace is "Evita," which I've seen dozens of times. And did the Idolettes oblige me by singing any of those awesome songs? No. They did not. Brooke sang the crap song written for the MADONNA movie, for pity's sake, instead of "Another Suitcase in Another Hall," which would've let her emote like crazy, if that's what she wanted to do. Of course, it's sung by, basically, a teen hooker, and maybe that would be too much for our no-R-rated-movie girl. Oh, Brooke.

My 30-second take: Syesha looked and sounded fantastic; Jason looked sickly and sounded, as Brunie said, like a stone-passer; Brooke looked emotional and sounded very bad on the low notes; Arch looked dorky and sounded sweetly earnest; Carly looked like she was having a blast and sang a different chorus from the back-up singers, which I found odd; Man David looked sexy and hot and sounded sexy and hot and communicated his total devotion to me with his eyes. THAT is a skill, my friends.

I'll miss Brooke, but she seems to have lost her confidence. Actually, I've been missing Brooke for weeks, "Let It Be" was a long time ago. Can it be that it was all so simple then? Or has time rewritten every line? Maybe Andrew Lloyd Webber will write a ballad about it all—"The Muzak of the Night." Fingers crossed!

Lady Chardonnay OUT!

The Night I Die A Thousand Deaths...

Wow, there are few things that instill fear in my heart like "The Music of Andrew Lloyd Weber". I am trying to think of anything this man has written that I like. I suppose the "Always thought that I'd be an apostle..." song from Superstar. That is about it. Maybe "Can You Feel the Love Tonight?" as sung by a high school choir. Other than that, blech...

And I imagine my pain is infinitesimal compared to Mrs. C's!

Lady C, however (With whom I was lucky enough to spend nearly the whole day!) is in heaven, I imagine. Could be wrong I suppose.

So back to the carnage:

Syesha slammed it out of the park with ONE ROCK AND ROLL TOO MANY. She was cute and funny and lively. They loved her and so did I. I agree that it was one of her best.

Jason inexplicably sang MEMORIES and made me sad because I hate to see him go. He was pained and a little terrified looking like his parents just found his stash and he is trying to pass a kidney stone. He is certainly bottom three...

Brooke sang YOU MUST LOVE ME and had to start over because she lost the words. Even Paula couldn't think of anything to say. It was harsh. She was scared and thinks she is going home. I can't disagree.

Little Davy sang THINK OF ME which, which as everyone knows, is a girl song! His testicles dropped right off and bounced across the stage and Rickey Minor accidentally squished one with his pointy toed boots.

Carley was shockingly my second favorite of the night with JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR. She was having some fun and sounded great.

Big Dave sang THE MUSIC OF THE NIGHT and you just know that he was reliving the time he almost got to play Will Parker in the Blue Springs High School presentation of Oklahoma! And then he nearly got to play Hugo in Bye Bye Birdie and then they did Pirates of Penzance and he was so excited because it was his senior year and he knew he was perfect for Frederic, but he also loved the part of the Pirate king and even the Major-General has that great song! But then he got mono and had to miss the auditions and he was so mad. He didn't even do stage crew and everyone said how unfair it was and what a rip-off it was. Well tonight he showed them all! He emoted and sounded fine. Wilbur picked up his book about three beats into the song. And I opened my lap top. It was that gripping.

Tonight I vote for no one, and tomorrow if Syesha goes home I will be ticked off because she really did do well. But I think it will be Brooke or Jason.

Brunie, OUT!

Surprised Already...

I really thought it would be Brooke! When they had Syesha sit back down I thought "Surely they are tricking me into thinking that Kristy Lee is going home..."

I am not surprised or displeased. But she has gotten better lately and Brooke was pretty weak last night.

I knew Little Davy wouldn't pick the group that was going/staying he just sat his deliberate little fanny on the stage. Cheeky monkey! I have no feelings for him. I think he is a cylon. And how funny that big Dave felt no compunction about sashaying over and sitting right next to him safe in the knowledge that he is not going home.

In other news - check out my little man. He was in my happy meal and for the first time in years, my happy meal toy made me happy. Even though it was probably fashioned by Chinese political prisoners, it is too awesome. See how he reclines atop his cushioney bun while the drink boy screams in anguish behind him? Dinner is fun again! He also played a little tune, but Mr. Crow threw him down the stairs and struck him mute. Thanks, Mr. Crow!

Brunie, OUT!

Carey-ed away

My, my but all the A-list celebrities have embraced Idol - even Mariah! She is a vocal genius, but there's just something about her that is so irritating. The kids were super-psyched to meet her though, and she is a BIG BIG star. So, let's recap, shall we?

David A: I do not know the song he sang, but it's undeniable that the kid has superb vocal control, and the ability to really connect with the audience. He continues to impress, although he looked somehow terrified last night, and the leather pants, well, the less I say about leather pants the better. I will say that like Mariah, David is a natural born singer.

Carly: I listened to Carly without looking at her last night, and , well, it didn't help. She still does absolutely nothing for me.

Syesha: Her low notes were beautiful, but most of her singing is, like I have said before, nice, not standout, not memorable, just nice.

Brooke - Ouch - she was super pitchy last night which is too bad because it was the first time that she put some power behind her vocals, which sounded pretty good. She is just not a fancy vocal run kinda gal.

Kristy Lee - Well, I must admit that she has really improved, but that is because we have such low expectations that when she isn't horrid, she seems good.

David C. - Love that song and love his interpretation. And that last note - ROCKIN'!!!! I want to hear that song again! I remember when Simon told him months ago that he would just disappear on stage without his guitar. Although Simon is almost always right, in this case, not.

Jason - Another good arrangement, and I really like him. I think I dreamed about Jason, the details of which are...NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!!

I can only hope that one of the girls goes tonight. Any girl, doesn't matter.

Love & kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

The expected unexpected

It seems that each year there is an Idol departure which shocks everyone, like Chris Daughtry's premature boot last year. So here is this year's shocker - Michael Johns dreaming on elsewhere. I thought Michael would be third in this competition. It is certainly a travesty that Kristy, Carly and Sayisha, in that order, are still in it. It is also certain that a guy named David will win this year.
Good luck, Michael. 8th is not as good a finishing place as fourth (that's the money spot it seems) but chin up. Millions of people know you, and just remember, you are as good a singer and a much better looking guy than Elliot Yamin and look at that giant monster hit he had last year that they played on VH1 constantly! It'll be all right.

In better news, did you see the opening number on charity night, with the excellent dancers - those are the kids from my FAVEE FAVE show, So, you think you can dance! Did you see the three guys doing endless perfectly controlled pirouettes? Man, you can fake singing, but you can't fake real dancing!

Love & kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

Bye Mikey...

So pretty, and yet so gone. If he had sounded as good on Tuesday as he did on his sing out (and perhaps showed his tushie as much) he would not be going to Brooke White's sister's wedding this weekend! (And my favorite part of the episode was when Brooke said she wouldn't be able to attend the wedding and then chided herself for being presumptuous. Too cute!)

I barely watched this show. After my coma of boredom on Tuesday that I could barely recover from enough to go to work, much less to write about the snooze-fest that was Idol, I am lucky I took in as much as I did.

I liked seeing Jordan Sparks again.

I was surprised that it was Michael going home but he took it like a trouper and even though he was really growing on me, there was no one I would rather see leave. Other than Kristy Lee. Or David A. Or Carley. So yeah, not my favorite going away ever.

Brunie, OUT!

Can I see the list?

I wish to know, please, if the kids chose from a list of "inspirational songs" or whether they could choose any song at all. Their choices seemed so weak overall, it's like they had 30 seconds to decide on a song. I have been thinking, what are some great inspirational songs? I'll Stand by You by The Pretenders, Purple Rain, Stevie Wonder's, 10 Zillion Light Years Away, maybe What if God was One of Us? As proof yet again of how very old I am, I thought, if someone did a kick-ass acappella version of You'll Never Walk Alone - that could bring down the house. Maybe only if Tiny Blues Brother did it. I thought David A. would shine since he seems to choose "inspirational" songs every week. Unfortunately, I found that overall, last night's performances were...uninspired.

Michael Johns started out the night with Dream On - OK, Michael, you had good energy and sang well, but again you have chosen a song that suffers when it is cut down to 90 seconds.

OH NO she is not going to sing that Fantasia song - Sayisha - you have to stop singing songs made (semi) famous by women with gigantic voices. YOU DO NOT HAVE A GIGANTIC VOICE. Moreover you do not have a unique or memorable voice. I do not hear you and think, oh it's Sayisha. I think, oh it's some girl with a nice voice who wants to sound like Whitney Houston.

Donovan Jr. was sweet and charming as usual. He does seem to be putting more effort into his performances lately. He totally needs to sing Sunshine Superman or Mellow Yellow. Unlike certain Whitney-wannabees, Jason does have a unique and recognizable sound.

Winner of Best Dressed again - Kristy Lee. She still looks good and she still sounds boring. I have to give her credit though, I think it was the first time that she sang an entire song and all the notes belonged in that song.

I must break the cynical truth to David Cook that some people are evil. Tomas de Torquemada, http://sprott.physics.wisc.edu/pickover/good.html, Dick Cheney, they are NOT INNOCENT, David. I thought his performance was a little off - he couldn't really dig into that song. The GIVE BACK on his hand was almost not sickly sweet.

Carly just does not look good or sound good. I really hated that song and her singing of it. After the first verse I was bored and went to run a bath.

David A. has a beautiful voice. Just beautiful. What else can I say?

Brooke was just OK again this week. She is such a sweet little hippie girl, but she does not have the chops to win this competition.

I will be happy to see Kristy or Carly go buh-bye on Thursday night, as tonight will be Big Charity Pimpin' Night. Although, I hear that the line-up will be impressive and that some actual good was done with the money donated last year. But if all the kids hold hands and start to sing, "I believe the children are our future..." then I am CHANGING THE CHANNEL.

Love & Kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

I believe the children are our future

NO, she didn't! Aw, Brooke. The minute she said Carole King, I'm all, "NOT 'You've Got a Friend,' no no no no." But does Brooke listen to me? No, she does not, she's like one of my cats, for God's sake. And there's nothing wrong with "You've Got a Friend," heaven knows I near wore out my own "Tapestry" album, it's a lovely little song, but it is NOT the show-stopping number one should pull out for this, the most coveted Idol pimp spot, the final singer of the night!

I still love her, but I begin to believe that our Snow White is a bit simple after all.

Good night on the whole, I thought. Michael, Syesha, Kristy Lee—polished professionals, all. David Cook sounded great on a song I hated. David "Yawn" Archuleta was as pleasantly bland as ever. Only Carly was a disappointment—I thought she was beginning to pull it all together and actually develop a bit of a stage presence, but Simon called it; she came off angry tonight, rather than inspirational. She's our likely Homeward Bound girl, if we're going simply on performance.

For me, the evening star was Jason Castro, who reminds me more and more of John Travolta every week. Loved his rendition of "Over the Rainbow" (was that really a ukulele?!), every second of it. He is so goofy and dear. He needed to step up his game this week, and he totally did. Good job, Danny Zuko. You're the one that I want. (this week, anyway)

Now, learn from him, Brooke White! Carly's surprising suckitude may have saved you for another week, but you have got to step up. Otherwise Kristy Lee Bosoms is moving into the designated blonde spot, and you'll have only yourself to blame.

I know I sound angry, but I'm trying to be inspirational. Whoa, Carly, am I feeling you now.

Lady Chardonnay OUT.

Hello, Larry

So tonight I accidentally caught two minutes of Larry King — (excuse me, I had to go rinse and spit) — and who should be on but our three judges + Ryan, quelle surprise! It was fun to see them in a different setting. Simon and Randy looked much the same, Paula looked outstandingly fresh and pretty, and Ryan was—well, frankly, bumpy. I don't know if it's warts or moles or benign facial cysts, but Ryan has several noticeable bumps around and about his face, which don't show up on the expensively lit Idol stage but in Larry's cheap-ass studio you couldn't miss 'em. And given the notorious vanity of la Seacrest, if I were a certain facialist I'd be quaking in my boots tonight. But anyway.

Some learnings: All have signed on for at least two more seasons; Simon, much to his dismay, "quite likes" the song Randy just produced for Paula; and they all predict a David v. David finale. And before they've even performed, Simon thinks that Syesha or Kristy Lee will go home this week. Well, that's just math, isn't it. (Actually, he didn't say "Kristy Lee," he said, "that one whose name I can never remember." Oh, dear.)

I meant to write about Ramiele last week (the title of that post would've been "Get Shorty") but simply ran out of time. It's too bad; she was one of my favorites going in, but she seemed to peak early and never did get the hang of the big ol' stage. Good luck to you, tiny one, and we'll see you on the tour.

And now a word to Our Miss Brooke, who's had three less-than-stellar weeks and needs to step up tonight. Brooke, doll, what were you thinking with that cheerful rendition of "Jolene"? You know better than that! Quit twinkling at the audience, and focus on your song! She's still my favorite girl, but I've been burned before.

Tonight I'm hoping that Kristy Lee will drape an American flag about her shapely form, and that freakin' David Archuleta will hawk a loogy at it.

Lady Chardonnay OUT.

I know how you feel, Dolly...

Kristie Lee is still here????

Actually, she wasn't that bad, but Vote For the Worst has anointed her and that, combined with the fact that some people actually like pretty girls with great figures who can kind of sing, means that we will be seeing a few people I actually like leave.

Since Chikeze left I have been not caring too much. But I have to say that Dave Cook has really grown on me and I have a soft spot for Jason Castro. I like all the girls just fine, (with one exception) but no one is inspiring me to vote. And I did vote this week! See if you can guess who I voted for.

Anyway, I barely remember it (please pretend that you don't notice that I am posting on Saturday...) but let us go back through the mists of remembrance to a more innocent time, an old-fashioned time full of wholesome American values. A time I like to call last Tuesday...

Oh Ryan, you trickster! You nearly had me convinced that American Idol was cancelled tonight! Boy, that was a good one!

Brooke opens up with JOLENE! My favorite Dolly song! Have you heard the Rhonda Vincent version? Awesome! And Brooke makes it... dull. That will be a theme tonight, boring Barb.

David Cook and his pretty new hair-do sang LITTLE SPARROW which sounded great. And it was his own arrangement which makes me very happy. I like how he sounds and he has always been really honest about how these cool arrangements he has been doing are researched on itunes (how product placement-y convenient!) but it is nice to learn that he can put it together himself, too.

Ramilele sang DO I EVER CROSS YOUR MIND which I imagine I would like if Dolly sang it. Not so much the tiny pointy-haired one. She is cute and looking into my crystal ball (or if you prefer, TiVo) I imagine she will be leaving. If anyone would like to put some money on that, let me know!

Jason sang TRAVELING THROUGH and it was the perfect song for him. He looked and sounded like every cute boy I ever way playing their beat up acoustic guitar in front of their VW micro bus in the parking lot of a Grateful Dead show, God bless him. I like his sound, I like his look, I like his rambling last week when he was in the bottom three so I voted for him a bunch of times. I did! I felt like a naughty minx!

Carly sang HERE YOU COME AGAIN and she sounded great. I like her better and maybe she is just getting more comfortable. I still think there are a few people who need to go before. Sadly one of them is up next.

David Archuletta is "The Wheezer" according to Lacks Compassion. Nice... Now all I can hear when he sings is the huge gasps between his phrases. She also said something insanely funny about him but I can't remember it because we were eating dinner in public with 6 ten year old boys. Beh.... Anyway, he sang SMOKEY MOUNTAIN MAKES BARB FALL ASLEEP SONG. It worked. And he will be at least top 3 I guarantee it.

The less said about Kristy Lee Bosoms (as Wilbur calls her) the better. She looked fantastic. She made me wish I didn't have a snack so that I could go get one while she sang.

Syesha, who is probably my favorite girl, sang I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU. LC, who was watching at my house (and dang if it isn't like old times with all the LC/Brunie time lately!), said it is her favorite movie song and is all Whitney-fied in her brain. As for me, I try not to think about Whitney and I really liked Syesha's version.

And finally Micheal Johns sounded fantastic singing IT'S ALL WRONG BUT IT'S ALL RIGHT or maybe the other way. He looked like he was passing a kidney stone while he sang but still managed to kind of be pretty. And I am relieved that he can sound so good. I found it ironic that I enjoyed watching David Cook perform tonight and had to close my eyes for MJ!

So I am just joshing about seeing the future. Ramiele went home and I didn't care. I hope it is not a dreadful theme next week. The Idols meet Henry Rollins is Mr. Crow's selection for next week. Damn, that would be awesome!

Brunie, OUT!