I'd like to buy the world a coke

(Capitalization, or lack thereof, is intentional; in my home state of California, every soda is a coke.)

Well, the Lady has all sorts of catching up to do, does she not? First and foremost, in this week of being ostentatiously loving and giving, I apologize to Miss Martina McBride, whom I mildly dissed in my conga ditty of yesteryear. I have nothing against this very nice woman, and I enjoyed her singing, coaching, and glossy hair very much. Rather, it was the fear and loathing I feel at the words "country theme" that brought on my attack of bile, albeit in a clever rhyme. Yes, I am clever even whilst bilious. 'Tis a gift.

Second–well, that would be Country Night itself, and again I prepared to eat (country-fried) crow, as first Phil was outstanding beyond all reasonable expectations, and then Jordin was outstanding in that way that Jordin is outstanding every week, and yet it always feels so fresh! so new! and I was a born-again convert at the altar of Kenny Rogers and Dottie West—but then they let somebody else sing, it doesn't even matter who, and it was all over, and I went back to flogging my Garth Brooks action figure, and no, I don't mean in the "if you know what I mean" nudge nudge, wink wink way. I am not a country fan, I am simply a fan of good singing and entertaining entertainment, and there was precious little of either to be found that night.

(Brunie said that Melinda had her bawling, but I just missed it.)

So then Sanjaya went home, and I thought his three-hour Kiki embrace was very dear.

Fast-forward to Idol Cares Ever So Much Tuesday, and I know what Brunie means about being cynical in the face of what is clearly a good cause—you somehow can't help it, and yet you feel a bit soiled. I want to help the poor and hungry, really! Just . . . with a little less fanfare and self-congratulation and Teri Hatcher, maybe.

(All this talk of the MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT IN IDOL HISTORY reminded me of a MadTV sketch about the debut of Felicity and its resultant over-hyping, which culminated in these words: "If your children don't watch Felicity . . . KILL THEM.")

I realized that I wanted Ryan and Simon to tell me that they personally were donating every bit of money they're making this week. Instead, they looked smug while telling me how much Ford is donating . . . which just didn't do it for me.

But oh well. Wherever it came from, the money's going to excellent causes, and I tried to do my own part by voting for Jordin 25 times and Phil 15 times and Melinda 5 times, and Blake once (for Li'l Martini, who loves him), and that was a lot of busy-signal endurance, believe me.

I don't have much to say about the performances, except that Blake is kinda over for me. I don't see him growing past where he is now, and his "slower" performances just aren't so fun. Phil, in contrast, is getting better all the time.

My one question about last night's big drama (which brought Mimosa to tears, she hearts Jordin in a big ol' way): Does this mean that Jordin in fact got the lowest number of votes, or did Ryan/TPTB simply set it up this way for maximum drama? (Frankly, if they'd told me early on that Melinda and Jordin were both safe, I might not have watched any further.) They're not morons, they must know that Jordin has already been cast as America's Singing Prom Queen, with Melinda as her equally talented Consort. I wonder if we'll ever know?

And with that, I bid you good day.

Lady Chardonnay OUT.

Does Idol Hate Jordin?

I am not going to comment on all the goings on last night because I didn't really watch them. (Thank you, TiVo!) I just skittered through all the singing. I was just showing up for "the most shocking reslults ever!" And shocking they were. But were they shocking to the Idolettes?

The only thing that makes me want to write is the burning question - did the tell the Idolettes how it was going to go? I am pretty sure that they did, otherwise Chris would have to be a lot more poised than I think he is. When he was in the final two (the way he will be next week, bye!) he didn't get that dead-in-the-eyes look he has in the past. And Jordin was still sparklie as ever. If it had been me I would have bawled like a baby starting immediatly. And we all know what a crier Jordin is. So I think that Idol perhaps doesn't hate Jordin at all, after all.

I can't comment on next week with out seeing the participants sing. I'm not Nostradamus for heaven's sake. So I won't say goodbye to Phil, Chris or Lakeshia just yet.

Brunie, OUT!

Believe, Hope and Dream. Or not...

In the interest of full disclosure, I hate inspirational music. I already have a positive outlook, thank you very much. I don’t need some falsetto-ed meathead forcing me to “believe” or “hope” or “dream”. Shut up and sing about lust, revenge or driving fast…

Chris opened the show with Clapton’s CHANGE THE WORLD and he sounded great. He reminded me of Michael MacDonald a little bit. He didn’t seem smarmy or anything. And the judges loved him.

Melinda sang THERE WILL COME A DAY which I had never heard before. I think it might be Jesus-y which I am all in favor of, but seems odd on Idol. I couldn’t really focus on the words because I was so amazed at the sight of an actual neck under her fabulously singing face! She had visible neck, people! She had a kind of low riding choker which looked fantastic. Her voice was amazing, as usual. The judges loved her and Simon said “master class” again which makes him a poncy twit.

Blake sang IMAGINE. There was a question from a fan beforehand. Blake was asked “What is the biggest sacrifice you have made to be on Idol?” And Blake used tremendous effort of will and did not respond “My integrity.” The thing about IMAGINE that is so great is that it exists at all. It is the power and the message and the fact that Lennon died violently that create the perfect poignancy of this song. I don’t ever want to hear anyone sing this song other than John Lennon or a fourth grade choir.

Lakisha sang a Fantasia song that I never heard before and disliked so intensely that I have blocked out whatever the title might be. The judges went on and on about how hard it is to compare to “the Fantasia version” which made me laugh because I have managed to live this long without hearing it. But I suppose they would have been paying more attention to Fantasia than I have. Mr. Crow was unable to come up with an accurate description of her bosoms and was all snotty when I asked him for one, claiming that he barely noticed them this week. So I am left with my own description which is restrainedly restrained. Her dress was fantastic. I love it. I want it and then I want a fancy place to wear it. Sadly, I think Idol might be done with Miss Kiki.

Phil sang something like THE CHANGE which is not actually about menopause much to my dismay. He got a chance to talk about his little girls before he sang. And he got to mention Oklahoma and the OK City bomber. And damned if Lakisha isn’t going home this week. He sounded good and the judges liked him. And the kind of people who like him are the kind of people who will vote a million times just to get all those dimes for the poor children.

No no no no no no- I want Jordin’s dress. And her voice. And her hair. And I want to make her some rice pudding and give her advice about boys. She sang YOU’LL NEVER WALK ALONE which is a song I don’t really like. but she sang the hell out of it. And I love that she makes herself cry. I am this close to putting all my betting money on Jordin!

And now I am off to call on the off chance that America only votes 4,999,999 times.

Brunie, OUT!

Idol Puts Out!

I mean, Idol Gives Back...

I am torn, my friends. I am all in favor of raising money for children here and abroad. I just spent 45 minuted yesterday looking at the website of the children's home where a friend of a friend is working. It is an amazing place that takes in street kids. And yet, IGB is irritating me. I loved the little clips of Simon and the girl who mocked his boobies. But so much of it seems self serving. I will vote like a demon for whomever so that the corporations will pay up, but I am not going to bask in the glow of being a good person for doing it.

Why, why, why am I so cynical about this?

Brunie, OUT!

There is a God.

And she knows when a joke is not funny anymore. :-)

Love & kisses & happy rainbow sunshine - it's stopped raining!
Mrs. Cynicletary

Country roads, make me groan...

Brunie's right - I am still dabbing blood from my ears - God I hate country music. Only two made me care last night - the probably-gonna-win-it-Jordin, and the just-always-great-Melinda. (Sleeveless is great on her!) Blake was only OK, Chris ditto, and Lakisha was kinda screechy last night, and I really disliked the brown dress. Phil is creepy. Sanjaya was so bad - I could have sung Something to Talk About MUCH better than he. With no rehearsal. And I have better hair, but I do not look like a 14 year old girl. I agree with Brunie on what Simon should say, but what he did say was pretty accurate. We'll see if the vote for the worst crowd is getting tired of this game and is ready to do something else with their enormous amount of free time.

Buh bye to Phil.

XO,
Mrs. Cynicletary

Culling the Herd

So it was country night and while I know that Lady C and Mrs. C are probably still bleeding from the ears, I enjoyed last night/this morning. [Thank you, once again, TiVo for allowing me to view Idol in handy bite-sized pieces.]

Phil opened the show with WHERE THE BLACKTOP ENDS which I had never heard, but he sang with gusto and actually got praises from all the judges. I though he sounded great, but his affability is grating.

My first crying jag of the episode came from the nearly perfect Jordin singing BROKEN WING. I have vague knowledge of this song and I don't really know how the original sounds. But the Jordin version was beautiful. And she looked beautiful. And Simon told her that he could see her winning for the first time.

SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT, indeed. Perhaps people will finally stop talking about Sanjaya. He was bland as milk toast - the most horribly bland food ever. If Simon would just come out and say, "Listen Sanjaya, you've been a great sport and you sing better than a lot of people, but it is your personality and your looks that have kept you in the contest but you just can't compare to the others here. Soon really talented people are going to be sent home before you and that is just wrong!" I would be happy.

Lakisha had me in tears with JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL because she is a shoe-in for the bottom three this week. The song sounded fine to me, but the judges found it pitchy and nobody wants to hear a big black woman sing about Jesus on Idol. I am fearing that she is going to be Mandisa'd tonight! She has a great voice, but she was the weakest girl by far tonight.

Chris sang MAYBERRY and the less said about him the better. Oh fine - if you insist... He is DEAD TO ME!!! The song was ridiculous - "things were better when things were slower and people weren't greedy and women knew their place and the races didn't mix and if your kids were sassy you could just slap them across the face..." There is huge difference to me in Phil's song which is also nostalgic for a simpler time without making huge stupid generalizations and Chris's which was just stupid. (And just to be clear, I LOVE Mayberry R.F.D. and Andy Griffith and Otis and the south and slow talking and friendliness. I just hate that song...) And then, if I may continue my rant - Chris's "the people at Virginia Tech are in my prayers" was completely misplaced. I absolutely feel for him, he is from the state and probably has friends there, but they should have had him say something at the beginning of the show or given all the Idols a chance to say something about it. I don't think it is the case, but there was a whiff of Phil's "I dedicate this song to those fighting terror"-ness that struck me as shilling for votes. And finally, "Nasally is a style of singing." is the funniest thing that I have heard all week. (Granted, it has been a slow week comedy -wise.) Perhaps on Planet Hillbilly, Christopher...

Finally we get to Melinda who made me so happy I may be in a good mood until lunchtime! She sang TROUBLE IS A WOMAN and she won my very heart. The song was fun and fast and she just sang it like she was born to sing it. And at the end Simon warned her that he was going to compliment her and that she should not lift her shoulders or scrunch up in any way and - my land, people - you could see her EXERTING EFFORT not to do it. I really think that her shyness is sincere. She had her face immobile with the strain of accepting the compliment. And then she let herself just smile and it was magical. (I admit I felt a tear well up...) In other news, the off-the-shoulder look worked great for her and her curved in hair gave her the illusion of a neck. Kudos to her stylist.

Blake sang a vaguely familiar song called WHEN THE STARS GO BLUE. In this song a woman dances in a wedding dress with wooden shoes. Is she Dutch? An accomplished woodworker? Miss Haversham? Who knows? The song was pretty and Blake sang fine. He has such a strange twist to his face when he is just singing regular. And he sounds very much like a late 80s English emo-precursor kind of singer. I imagine he does an excellent Morrisey impression.

I leave you with my predictions - bottom three should be Lakisha, Chris and Sanjaya. Going home should be Sanjaya. In reality Phil may just be gone.

Did I mention that I cried?

Brunie, OUT!

Even as I Type~

-they are just about telling us who is in the bottom three! (Oh dear, Phil - no surprise there...)

But lets go back in time, shall we? (Insert blurry lines here...)

Last night was Latin night and it was a struggle to stay awake. Caliente? No.

Mindy-Doo started with Sway and she looked cute as a bug. The song did nothing for me, but she sounded swell as usual.

Kiki sang Conga. Her boobies entranced Mr. Crow (who just asked me just now, "They're only kicking ONE person off tonight??") but her singing didn't do much for me. It wasn't bad - just, eh...

Chris sang Smooth and I think he is about to be sent into the bottom three. [Oh how twisty the time is!] And yes, I am correct.

Haley sang Turn the Beat Around which Ryan called a Gloria Estafan song but which I know is a Vicki Sue Robinson song (Which was covered by my sworn enemy Missy Bell in the fifth grade lipsynch contest at Spruce Elementary School in 1977!) She and her slutty, slutty legs will be going home tonight. [I did love how she said she was going to put a robe on after coming off stage. I think she is probably quite fun in real life.]

Of course Phil is a proven bottom three club member. I thought he sounded pretty last night, though. The song, Maria Maria, was lovely except for the last line about a song played by Carlos Santana which was the lamest ending of a song ever. Really.

Jordin sang Rhythm is Gonna Get Ya, but I escaped. Heh, just rolled myself... (Does anyone else say that? Rolling yourself is when you say something so funny that you crack yourself up. I do it all the time. I don't know what that says about me. But what it says about Idol is that I am finding myself a hell of a lot more interesting than I did most of the performances this week...)

Except for Blake. Usually he is like vanilla ice cream, rice crispies or Sprite. They are foods that are treats for some people, but for me they do nothing. But this week, singing I Need to Know, he was like vanilla ice cream infused with caramel swirls and cashews or rice crispie marshmallow treats or ... no, Sprite always sucks. Wait a minute - like Sprite and bourbon! (I've never actually had those to beverages together but the longer this results show goes on, the better it is starting to sound.) What I mean to say is, he is essentially the same as most other weeks - but something about him catches me this week. Confidence? A sense of fun? The jaunty chapeau?

And finally, Sanjaya. I must say that he was the most true to the theme of the night. Singing Besame Mucho in Spanish, looking a little disheveled, leering into the camera like a slightly de-sexed and less skeezy Constintine Mavroulous. (The Constintine part isn't what I meant by being true to the theme, just the singing in Spanish.) Simon hit the nail on the head when he said it wasn't awful. It really wasn't.

And now I will post this so that Madame Impatient of Abominable Manor will get off my back with her incessant demands! Then I will fast forward through most all the rest of the results show and say goodbye to Haley, I think.

Here's hoping that Jordin or Lakeshia sings Jolene nest week!

Brunie, OUT!

JLo? A No Go

C'mon shake your body baby do that conga /
Don' want to listen to the Idolettes any longah /
They can't sing Latin / My ears have died /
And next week is freakin' Martina McBride


Lady Chardonnay OUT.

My Girl

I always fall for the scrappy girls, the funky ones, the Idolettes most likely to have a tattoo, or three, or thirty (which could not be more opposite from my own Ladylike persona!): Amy Adams, Melissa McGhee, now Gina Glocksen. (I seem to like an alliterative mongram as well.) They never win, they break my heart, I live to love another day. C'est la vie.

Though I think Simon was unnecessarily cruel (blow me down), he pretty much called it: Gina, a fine singer, was simply outsung by three other girls. But she grew in this competition, she worked hard and paid attention, she got national exposure. I hope it leads to great things for her, because she deserves it.

I'll miss her!

Lady Chardonnay OUT.

Premonitions

As you may recall, I have never cared for Gina. She seems mean and not very likeable to me. However, I have at times voted for her when she has sung well, and when she has demonstrated clear improvement. I thought she sang Smile beautifully, but as she sang it I had a premonition. "Smile, though your heart is breaking"... I thought, those lyrics would be just the worst ones to have to sing if you were voted off. Many times when the kids sing a song about leaving or saying goodbye,they end up leaving and saying goodbye. Just like Gina - oh no -she has to sing that song! Gina gave a master class is losing last night. The song was moving even to the cynicletary and she held it almost completely together. She was really feeling the final words of the song, "what's the use of crying, you'll find that life is still worthwhile, if you just" (and then she let the other kids sing the smile part). It was perfect! It could not have been rehearsed better. I am officially pissed that Haley, Phil and you-know-who are still there.

And that singer guy who stood in for Tony? Michael Bleebloo - what was his name - he was jazzy but no better than many an Idol contestant.

Love & kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

Now I'm Mad!

Oh my gosh, how classy is Gina Glocksen? When she sang her final song, I actually started crying! And I have a heart of stone, ask anyone! It was one of the best songs of the season so far. Man, she held it together beautifully while making it entirely obvious how sad she was to be going.

If Sanjaya just went home when he was supposed to go... Or Haley... Why can't the people I hate go away and the people I like stick around? Dang, I am going to miss Gina.

And I really thought that we were going to be told that the three divas were the middle three. I'm glad that wasn't the case.

And how thrilled was I not to have to hear that freakin' Tony Bennett. Whew - dodged the bullet on that one! (Joking, of course - please don't hurt me Lady C and Mrs. C!)

Master Class/ Minor Entertainment

I am in the minority, I guess. I was bored out of my tree last night. I knew Lacy C. would be thrilled as thrilled could be at the theme, but I though surely Mrs. C would live up to her name. Alas...

[I should admit that I was cutting little pieces of paper all night for school so I didn't so much watch as just looked up to see how they were dressed and then went back to cutting. More on that later.]

I can barely remember what went on, but I will try to give my impressions.

I thought Blake was fine on MACK THE KNIFE. What a dull song.

Phil sounded good on whatever the hell he sang.

Melinda sounded beautiful, as usual. No surprise. (How jaded I have become! But remember W-O-M-A-N? Damn...)

Chris was fine. Heh.

I did love Jordyn. She is my new fave. This means she should be going home soon.

And Gina sounded fantastic, too. I have really grown to like her voice a lot. And her hair was cute as a bug.

Sanjaya was a train wreck. My friend Honest Liz was telling me about this:
The House of Sanjaya
We spent the entire day at work walking by each other and whispering "Sanjaya!" just like in the clip.

When they did the tease (unfortunate choice of words) for Haley and I caught a glimpse of how short her dress was I quipped, "Up next: Haley Scarnato and her crotch!" and at the same time Crow, Jr said, "She is on crutches?" and Mr Crow said, "Nelly Furtado?" I laughed and laughed. [Who knew Mr. Crow had even heard of Nelly Furtado? And apparently Jr. is the only 8th grade boy on the planet not obsessed with the wonder of Haley's area.] So I went in laughing. And while I wasn't crying when it was over, I wasn't smiling. I did love the way that Tony Bennet yelled at her for misunderstanding the point of the song. "I'm Tony-effing-Bennett and I will tell you how to sing the song!" I am kidding, I love Tony Bennett, but I was amused at how everyone except for Phil completely disregarded his advice.

Lakeshia was fantastic and she looked beautiful and yet I remained unmoved. I think it may have been the cutting.

So here is the thing. I don't think that these songs feel genuine on this show. Or the kids don't really mean them. I really think that Gina and Jordyn were the only two who seemed sincere when singing. Or I could just be cranky. I noticed that the phrase "master class in singing" was used twice. It just seems so pretentious. Like the writers just learned the phrase and told everyone to sprinkle it through their conversations. Oh well, I hear that Jennifer Lopez is going to be the next guest teacher. A master class in irritating Brunie?

Brunie - grumpy, no fun and looking forwards to saying bye-bye to Haley - OUT!

They Got Rhythm, They Got Music

Glorious music, sung by talented youngsters—that was some enchanted evening, for sure.

I'm pretty much in agreement with Mrs. Cynicletary's overview, with some small exceptions.

Blake sang "Mac the Knife," a song for a cool cat, but Blake sang it more like a kitten. He can do better. Still, he's irresistably adorable and not going anywhere yet.

I truly believe that Phil is considered a mad fox on his home planet. I love his voice and thought he sounded great, but I'm not getting any more attached.

Melinda: I have no words for how awesome she was, nor how much I hated her hair.

Chris R gave a great performance and sounded better than usual. Still—he is just so very average to me. I don't get it all. Phil is to me as Chris R is to most everyone else, I think.

Jordin is indeed a magnet o' joy. I love every minute she's on stage. Loved her, loved the song, Simon can suck a lemon.

My girl Gina sounded great. I'm so happy that she's just letting us hear her voice now, and no longer tarting up her performances with the rocker-grrl nonsense.

(And like Mrs. C, I also teared up when Tony spoke of 9/11 and our soldiers in Iraq. A classy gent is our Tony. A true national treasure.)

Sanjaya, oh, Sanjaya, what else is there to say? Watching him is no longer painful for me, I giggle all the way through his performances—but it's like he's on a whole different show. He won't win—I expect he'll go home after Phil and Haley—but still. He doesn't belong on this show, and the producers have only themselves to blame. If it really were about finding the best singer and not a popularity contest, viewers would only be able to vote once per performer. Period. But they'll never do it that way, so . . . j'acccuse!

The whole time Haley sang I was on the phone (not with Brunie), so I got to enjoy the best of Haley (watching her) while totally missing what everyone seems to agree was an uninspired performance. The thing is: When she stripped down to her panties and sang "Tell Him," yes, she did look like a hot little minx, but she also sounded great! She can do better, and it's disappointing when she doesn't. But she had her moment in the sun, and I won't feel so bad for her when she goes home this week. (Not to jump ahead or anything.)

LaKisha looked very pretty (she has amazing skin) and sounded fabulous, playing to her strengths (big song, big notes). Clearly they've decided that her cleavage is her best accessory. I am dying to dress LaKisha. That was a beautiful dress, but I know she can look better.

All in all, a very good night.

Bottom three: Phil, Haley, and (simply because it won't be anyone else, not because she deserves to be there) Gina

Going home: Haley

Lady Chardonnay (today's look: My Mother Still Dresses Me) OUT.

The Good stay good, the bad stay bad.

This week was fairly predictable. Melinda ( her voice makes me smile), Jordin (soaring - made an old song sound young), Blake (smoothy-smooth), Chris (Nice job - cute outfit), and Lakisha (looking so pretty!) sang very well. Gina (who seems to be taking a page from Melinda's book re interpretation) and Phil ( kind of dark) were good. Haley and Sanjaya (they don't even get their own color) not only stayed bad, but if possible, they got a little worse. Even as the show went to the break and previewed the two of them I cringed in anticipation of their suckiness. This week I tried not looking at Sanjaya as he sang, thinking that his goofy looks might prejudice my ears. (And to avoid seeing the John Travolta suit he was wearing - ick!) But not looking was even worse somehow. He sounded TERRIBLE. And his comment about wanting America to hear that he really can sing, well, sorry honey. You sounded worse than ever. Voice so reedy, thin and lifeless. I liked Simon for saying, "Let's try a new tactic - incredible!" Hee hee. Haley was her pageanty worst. She was flat throughout most of the song, and she did that freakin' stop and pull back hand gesture that makes me crazy again! Even Paula had nothing nice to say to her except her last resort compliment - you look good in green.

How loveable is Tony Bennett! I wish he was my Uncle. Hits over 50 years - 50!! You gotta love him. And he made me get a little weepy when he talked about the song Smile, and how he thinks of 911, and soldiers in Iraq when he sings it. Some of the good do NOT die young! God Bless Tony!

Love & kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary