Gone Baby Gone

My predictions:

• Rocker Amanda, who as a person I really enjoy, but as a singer isn't a good fit for this show, I fear (both the hard-rocker thing and the can't-sing-a-simple-melody-very-well thing)
  
• Kady Malloy, who had two bad weeks in a row—she's dynamite in her clips, but can't seem to make the magic last for more than just one night
  

Usually Idol gives the final pimp spot to a reliable belter, and two weeks in a row that girl has let them down. Funny! I wonder who they'll give it to next week? Brooke, Ramiele, Syesha? Probably they'll just have the anointed Munchkin come over; I think we'd all be okay with that, really. ☺

(re: Brooke: Mrs C, I totally agree that the facial expression needs to be in sync with the song's message, but I'm not sure I agree that "You're So Vain" is a song of heartbreak and sadness. I've always heard it as a song of empowerment and perspective, and Brooke's sly, confident smile was very appropriate to that interpretation. I need to reflect on the lyrics some more.)

Lady C, trying to decide between choir practice or Thursday night TV and more Chardonnay, and OUT.

eh...

What a downer was Girls Night In. Crikey-such a mess!
Girl #1: I love Heart, and Carly sang it well enough, but like Brunie mentioned, she does not connect with me. I feel nothing for her. And she still could use some dental bonding.
Girl #2: Pitchy and disappointing.
Girl #3: (Blonde #1) Would I believe that she went to Beauty School? Yes. How many times can I say that I hate it when singers smile while singing lyrics of heart-break/sadness/pain. She sang OK, but I don't believe her.
Girl#4: If you refer to my archived posts, you will read about my uniform of universal flattery for girls. Very long jeans, that cover high heels almost right to the floor and a mostly to partly fitted shirt depending on the thickness of one's middle. This uniform maximizes height and slenderness. Ramiel once again wore pants that taper to her ankles. You must be at least 5'9" with an overall skinniness to look good on TV in tapered pants. Trust me on this. If Ramiel is taller than 5' I would be shocked.
Girl #5: (Blonde#2) Now, here is an example of obedience to my uniform code. Kristy Lee wore very long dark pants over heels with a fitted top. She looked great! She sounded OK. However, it is usually best to end a song quickly than it is to draaaaag it out trying to squeeze in as many notes as you can before your time is up.
Girl #6: We love a smart reader, and Amanda is cool, but the song just kinda got away from her.
Girl #7: (Blonde #3) Poor crazy food freak - I know a good psychologist, Honey. She was hopelessly devoted to old fashioned clothing and style. Kinda sharp on the high notes, and really, just ordinary.
Girl #8: Alexandrea did a good job, but I wish she had busted loose and done something interesting with the song.
Girl #9 (Blonde #4) She almost fell down the stairs and maybe that made her all nervous and unable to sing even one properly pitched note. She seemed really uncomfortable like she was gonna fall off of her shoes any minute.
Girl #10: Oy! I am sorry that she was sick, but damn, that whole song was off. Flat low notes, disappearing high notes, and I just hate that "gospel jaw" when she shakes her jaw on the vibrato. That was just sad.
Overall a great big disappointment with the girlies. I dont' know why they were all so very mediocre. Maybe we could just get rid of 6 or 7 of them tonight and we could save a lot of time.
Love & Kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

The Girls and the Mamas

We watched at Joe Mama’s house (if you remember, he is Wilbur’s best friend and his parents are a HOOT!) and once again, there were snacks and letting the dog chase the children during commercials. It is a fun party atmosphere in which to watch, but as a result I can’t type as I view which makes it hard to go into detail.

So once again, TiVo is saving my bacon and allowing me to watch the end roundup to see if I can remember the performances.

Carly Smithson opened with CRAZY ON YOU which she was pretty much born to sing. She likes to cook and clean and there is a little switch on the back of her neck that her hubby presses each night before he puts her back in her carrying case. Which was my problem with her performance. She can sing beautifully, no doubt, but she doesn’t connect with the audience, or at least me. I think she might be a good terminator sent from the future to protect John Connor. With music.

Syesha Mercado on the other hand sparkled like crazy singing ME AND MR. JONES which sounded great and I loved it. Her big secret is that she has made local commercials. The line they showed her saying was hilarious and I am sure it will be on youtube so that I can memorize it and make my children crazy. Simon made his usual incredibly stupid remark about it not being written for a girl. Guess what Simon, half of the audience has never heard this song because they are 10. If I were a voting girl, I would have called for her.

Brooke White sang YOU'RE SO VAIN. Her secret is that she went to beauty school. She sounded good and she wasn’t looking at Simon so much, but it was funny that she kind of did. I like her more than I thought I would. See how vague these opinions are? Dang you Mamas and your hospitality!

Ramiele Malubay (former dancer) sang DON’T LEAVE ME THIS WAY and sounded fine, although I hate her hair. I like her personality. I can’t remember why, but I am hoping she sticks around.

Kristy Lee Cook and her boobs sang YOU’RE NO GOOD. I enjoyed her performance a lot (and Mr. Mama and young Fred, who is entirely too adolescent for his own good, enjoyed her top) and I am glad that last week’s problems were sickness related and that she can sing more than Amazing Grace. She is a tomboy and likes to get dirty. Do not even get me started on the response that comment received from the peanut gallery.

Amanda Overmeyer tried to change things up much to her detriment with CARRY ON MY WAYWARD SON. She does not have a good voice for melodies. Which sounded crazy to me when Randy said it, but is entirely true. So I guess we should just get used to her sounding like Janis forever. That being said – she is a reader! How can I not love her? I hope she stays and stays and maybe she can teach some of the other idols to read!

Alaina Whitaker sang HOPELESSLY DEVOTED TO YOU and sounded fine. She is cute as a bug, but I find her so uninteresting that it took me ages to remember that she doesn’t like her food to touch. Really. That is the most fascinating secret she has.

Alexandrea Lushington sang IF YOU LEAVE ME NOW and if memory serves she was told it was too safe a choice. So I guess sounding awesome isn’t enough. Bah. I really like her she was my second favorite after Syesha. And her dad is an extremely good looking firefighter and as a result she once sand at ground zero. (And her outfit was loathed by the Crow/Mamas.)

Kady Malloy, it was good to know you. She did more damage to MAGIC MAN than Rissa Gietz and I did when we accidentally on purpose scratched up her brothers Heart album when we were 11. But she sings opera and seems to have pipes, so maybe it is all for the best that she is almost certainly going home tonight.

Asia’h Epperson sang ALL BY MYSELF which I could have sworn was by Eric Carmen (stolen from Rachmaninoff) but apparently is “owned” by Celine Dion. If ever there was a reason to go to war with Canada… (I am joking! I love Canada. My sister and her husband might be moving to British Columbia and I am so excited I could spit! But I do loathe Celine Dion on principle.) She sounded good but hilariously the judges who chided several contestants for “safe” choices, told brave Asia’h that she shouldn’t have attempted this musical Everest. Oh the irony! Or the hypocrisy. I can’t tell which.

So her is hoping that it is Kady and Alaina or Carly (yeah, right) going home. But I don’t think Syesha, Kristy Lee or Amanda are entirely safe either! Quite the horserace!

Brunie, OUT!

Not without surprises

As my fabulous and observant co-bloggers have already written - some of the worst performers last week turned out to be some of the best this week, and some of the best last week were the worst this week. My quick takes:
Boy 1 - One of the Davids who was great last week. This song was pitched WAY TOO HIGH for him, and it seemed like it was too fast for him to sing as well. Not good.
Boy 2 - Happy Dread Boy - it was almost OK.
Boy 3 - Maybe you should never sing Killer Queen without a band. And without Freddie Mercury. Ick. And if you don't know how to pronounce Moet & Chandon, just ask someone, dude.
Boy 4 - Robbie gettin' the NASCAR vote. Have I mentioned that NASCAR is one of the most moronic wastes of time and resources in the universe? Although Foreigner is NOT on my list of fave bands, I do have a soft spot for this song due to the following anecdote from my wild youth. I was at a New Year's Eve Party circa 1979 when slinky Danskin leotards and wrap skirts were all the rage. I was wearing said skimpy leotard and skirt with killer heels, and this was when a PERFECT BODY belonged to me. A bitchy jealous woman at the party says to my then boyfriend, "Isn't she freezing?" He replied, "She's Hot Blooded". Nice.
Boy 5 - I hated Miss Noriega so very much last week, but damn, he did OK last night! And I like that he acknowledged that last week was a big ol' mess.
Boy 6 - David with slanted nose did OK. I think that next week he will be even better and full of confidence after all the positive reinforcement from the judges.
Boy 7 - Jason is so fake and vegas-y and I really don't like him. Buh-Bye.
Boy 8 - CH-CH-CH-Cheezy - Another one whom I HATED last week, but did VERY WELL this week. Just DO NOT TALK BACK TO SIMON.
Boy 9 - I could hear the sound of Lady C. and Brunie falling for this kid as soon as he said "word nerd". He sounded very good but please stop winking at the camera. No one should wink at the camera while singing. EVER. Also, same advice as Cheboygan - do not talk back to Simon.
Boy 10 - Tiny Blues Brother. This song makes even the most cynical, cold-hearted MF'ers cry. So, that means me. This kid is so natural, so sincere, can he be real?? I think that it will be very very very difficult to beat this kid. Just a beautiful performance.
Let's see if any of the girlies can surprise me tonight.
Love & Kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

Two of the Five Senses

While I am waiting for the commercials to run themselves out I will be going back to describe each contestant’s “look”. I realized today that I don’t even see appearances anymore unless they are strange. So I will try to recap the visuals as well as the sounds and personalities.

Michael Johns
GO YOUR OWN WAY
[Jeans, a bright orange tee that says “Music gives me peace of mind” and David Cassidy’s hair from 1972.]
Rough, a little reedy at the top end. Not very creative arrangement. But Fleetwood Mac is ultimately a dull band. Not horrible but not my fave.

Jason Castro
I JUST WANT TO BE YOUR EVERYTHING
[Jeans, blouse and dreadlocks that practically take themselves to the parking lot of a Moe concert to busk for vegan corn dogs.]
Dang! He took a disco song and almost made it something else.
They still put the drum machine and disco-bass on it, but when it wasn’t on it sounded great! Liked it a lot.

Luke Menard
KILLER QUEEN
[Lost his razor, didn’t have time to wash his hair, dressed like a bus conductor and still so so pretty.]
Nice voice, but he mispronounced three words in the first few lines. And he looked silly. Didn’t love it.

Robbie Carrico
HOT BLOODED
[Unwashed, unshaven and still wearing the white shirt and black pants he had to wear for chorus in high school.]
Whoo Foriegner! He sounded okay, but he was still doing his boy band hand movements. He can not kick the habit. Didn’t love it.

Danny Noriega
SUPERSTAR
[Student council president]
What a beautiful voice! And he only curled his lip once. He had a nice peaceful face as he sang. I really liked it.

David Hernandez
PAPA WAS A ROLLIN’ STONE
[Jerry Seinfeld meets street corner hustler.]
He can sure sing. He does the boy band hand motions too!! And he makes funny faces. But he sounds fantastic. My favorite so far.

Jason Yeager
LONG TRAIN RUNNING
[One part Tom Cruise, three parts Brad Pitt, one part Cruella DeVille dressed like Johnny Cash.]
Surprisingly good white boy soul. He looked too happy, though. I thought he sounded better than the judges did. Obviously, they need to get rid of the pretty, dumb ones.

Chikeze
I BELIEVE
[Prep school tennis coach double polo and jeans.]
My favorite of the night! I knew he could sing it and sell it at the same time. And I truly don’t think he thought about saying you can’t wear something on tv twice. Hee…

David Cook
ALL RIGHT NOW
[10th grade boy in his first battle of the bands jeans and black – natch – tee.]
Okay, I do like that he called himself a word-nerd, but I still can’t stand him He sounded okay and he plays okay. But I am hoping that they send him away. It was nice of him to invite Endora and Vanessa Redgrave to watch him. And yet he is the new Constantine. I hate his hair.

David Archuletta
IMAGINE
[Jeans, leather jacket and a blue tee that it appears his Nana got to with her bedazzler.]
I HATE THIS SONG WITH THE PASSIONATE INTENSITY OF A THOUSAND BURNING SUNS! (Unless John Lennon is singing it.) And yet, I really did like Little Davy’s ™ version. He is the one to beat. (Hey, just as I typed that Simon said it! Now I shall type, Brunie is pretty. Say it Simon. Say it dammit!!)

I can’t stand the way that Simon dissed David Cook’s film about crosswords. He really did make the point that stupidity sells. And screw that. I mean, I hope David Cook leaves, but still – there is no shame in crosswords! Word searches, sure, but not crosswords!

Okay – So I am afraid Luke Menard and Jason Yeager are leaving. But I really hope that it is David Cook and Michael Johns (yeah right…)

I actually voted tonight. I don’t want Chikeze going home and I don’t want Danny Noriega going home. So I voted once for Danny and 3 times for Chkeze (I have a little crush. It’s those tiny teeth in his great big smile. And the hot hot voice. Yeah, I’ll say your name is Chkeze!) My little co-viewer wanted me to vote for Michael Johns so I did call once. And he wanted me to vote for Little Davy ™, but the line remained busy every time I tried. I think he is safe…

And now, to bed!

Brunie, OUT!

"I'm a huge word nerd"

(Me too! Me too! I love you, David Cook! But I'm getting ahead of myself)

So about those boys . . .

What an odd night! Last week's golden boys, Michael Johns and Jason Castro, were strangely ordinary; last week's train wreck Chikezie was one of the breakout stars; Luke Menard and Danny Noriega really stepped up; and the only sure thing seems to be little munchkin David Archuleta (gee, what rhymes with "anointed"?). Oh, and that Robbie will STILL be trying to convince Simon that he's authentic, right until the day he's voted off. Keep fightin' the good fight, Robbie.

David Hernandez, who performed quite well on Week 1, did an awesome "Papa Was a Rolling Stone." Not sure why every judge forgot they liked him fine last week, but whatever. Tonight they loooooove him, and that's a good thing.

Personally, I love me some David Cook, my confident rocker, I have from Day 1, and charisma is in the eye of the beholder, SIMON. This cat's got charisma to burn, in my book. Love his voice, love his stage presence, love his UN-BORING CROSSWORD PUZZLE ADDICTION (grrrr! my rage is still at "simmer"), love love love him. He is my favorite boy. (Lady Darcy, check out this guy; doesn't he look like my long-lost love, the Wedding Singer?)

Going home on Thursday, pretty much for sure, is poor ol' Jason Yeager (hair streak), who we never saw before and who never really had it going on. Joining him—that's a crapshoot. Jason C, Luke, Danny? Those seem the likeliest. But I really don't know.

I voted for David Cook, Chikezie, and David Hernandez, and Mimosa asked me to vote for Jason Castro ("I'd like to touch his hair," she said), and had no trouble getting through for any of them—not a good sign, usually. We shall see.

Bring on the singing girls!

Lady Chardonnay, still seething but less so, and OUT.

Liar Liar Pants on Fire!

Simon, I am talking to YOU. And I'm dealing with my rage by blogging rather than, I dunno, drinking heavily, as I otherwise might.

"The criticism is meant to be constructive"??? HORSE MANURE.

What is constructive about loudly wishing this were the Oscars and people could be cut off by music? Poor dumb Jason was answering an inane question posed to him by Ryan, on national TV. He's supposed to say, "Sorry, Ryan, I don't want to bore Simon"? Really?

Simon's job is to be outrageously rude. This gets people to watch his show, which gets people to watch the commercials that are paying for his show. PERIOD.

He is a very smart man and often has an astute take on things, but would we tune in to hear him express himself nicely? If he actually did provide constructive criticism, would this show be such a monster hit? I think not.

And the thing is—up until this year, I thought he knew that. But this year, he's taking himself WAY too seriously, and it is so not fun to watch.

Sometimes Simon is smart and funny, but more and more he is simply an ass. And—enough already.

Lady Chardonnay OUT.

"The best Top 24 in Idol history"

(R. Seacrest, 2-21-08, 8:01 p.m.)

Okay, relentless pimping aside, I will agree that there are far fewer obvious weak links than there usually are at this stage. The "weakest" girl, in my opinion, was Amy Davis, who sang "Where the Boys Are" in a perfectly pretty voice. If she's the weakest girl, the girls are doin' all right. The boys' weakest link, I think, is young Garrett Haley (Peter Frampton's son), who also has a nice voice; I think he's just a little too young and unformed, musically, to compete with the others. (Chikezie did not have a great night, but I've heard him sing before, and I think he is really good. I hope he gets another chance. But, word to the wise: If you're going to mouth off to Simon, you have to be really, really good at it. Learn from the sad tale of Chris Sligh, Cheez Man.)

I had this little realization today about Jason Castro (Mr. Dreadlocks). We're seeing him, basically, for the first time, so last night it was all "Who's this guy?" and "What's with the hair?" and "Okay, he sounds all right." Then came the judges' tongue bath, and I almost fell over. He wasn't bad, not at all, but he wasn't GREAT, I don't think. But then I realized: They're not seeing him for the first time, they've known him for weeks and months, and every time he performs they're seeing everything he's ever done and the personality they've come to love in addition to what he's doing right at that moment. Which is what we all do. It would be nice if we could know each person in the Top 24 at that level, and maybe one day the show will give us this opportunity. But until that happy day comes, the people we know the least are still the first ones we vote off, almost without exception.

Going home tonight:
Garrett
Colton (Ellen) or Jason (hair streak & son)
Amy
Alaina or Kady or Kristy Lee (interchangeable blonde girls)—and I hope it's Alaina, even though it's her birthday. Actually, I don't care if it's Kristy Lee, though I feel bad about her horse; I just don't want it to be Kady

Mrs C, Luke is all kinds of pretty, but I don't see my spiritual husband Hugh Jackman, per se. Of course, being my husband and all, I know his face intimately. Luke can dream . . .

Lady C OUT!

Those who shall remain nameless.

It is only with careful note-taking that I am able to remember anything about most of these kids. They remain numbers to me until they prove themselves. Except that I have a dim memory of most of the boys being named David. So, in that cold, heartless spirit for which I am renowned, here we go:
NAMELESS BOYS:
Boy#1 - I liked him, I think he has potential. I think he's one of the many Davids.
Boy#2 - I kinda remember his name is something like Cheekago or something. Dude, the suit is heinous! And I hate that mouthy back talk that some kids give Simon. Just shut up and take it, we don't even know your name yet, Cheezsammich!
Boy#3 - Eh - hate that little cheesy sideways smile.
Boy #4 - My Mother used to sing this song to my Dad. 'Nuff Said. Hated it.
Boy#5 - I like One is the Loneliest Number - a great song, an OK rendition.
Boy#6 - The tiny white Blues Brother. Love him!
Boy#7 - Jailhouse LAME!
Boy#8 - Mr. Cynicletary says that this guy kinda looks like Hugh Jackman - Lady C - do you agree - does he look like one of your many faux-husbands? He reminded me of Donny Osmond. And that ain't good.
Boy #9 - Boy singing Suspicious Minds - DO NOT SMILE WHILE SINGING OF HORRIBLE BREAK-UPS!!
Boy#10 - Peter Frampton's secret love child. I think he has potential if he could stop being terrified.
Boy#11 - Happy dread lock guy with happy singing style. I happy him.
Boy#12 - Damn - pretty good, oh nameless one!
I hope Cheezit and Ultra lame Jailhouse Rock singer go bye bye tonight.
NAMELESS GIRLS:
Girl #1 - BORING
Girl#2- FLAT
Girl #3- ORDINARY
Girl #4- The first interesting performer of the night - she rocked it!
Girl # 5- I like the song Where the Boys Are - too bad she did NOTHING with it!
Girl #6 - Still just singing the song plain and easy - please, do SOMETHING with the song!
Girl #7- OK, I remember this name because she and Ryan said it like 20 times. Alexandrea Lushington. Lushington - isn't that your maiden name, Lady Chardonnay?? She was young and entertaining, thank you, Miss Lushington.
Girl #8: Personality is funny and cool, vocals just OK last night.
Girl #9 - Good! Young! Loose!
Girl #10 - Another good song - You Don't Have to Say You Love Me...not bad on the vocals, but her outfit was way too casual and unflattering.
Girl #11 - GREAT VOICE!
Girl #12 - Strong voice, bad teeth.
Any two girls #1, 2, 3, 5 or 6 can go tonight and I will never have wasted a brain cell on remembering their names.
Love & Kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

I Learned the Truth at Seventeen...

The sweetest moment of the night was when, in response to Ryan's telling the audience that they could not adopt David Archuletta, he said, "I'm seventeen!" He did not follow it by saying "geeze!" but he did whack Ryan in the arm with his arm in the cutest way that made him seem ever so young. It was adorable. But more about that later.

And now, in chronological order...

David "blink and you'll miss him" Hernandez singing IN THE MIDNIGHT HOUR:
He has a nice strong voice, but is so stiff and nervous that I worry he will break. He is one of the expendbles.

Chakeze "where's my last name?" [Eze] singing MORE TODAY THAN YESTERDAY:
I LOVED the changing of the style. I don't think it was in a great key for him. His voice sounded thinner than usual, but everything Simon hated about him, I loved. Didn't care for the "Is Charlie Chaplin your stylist?" quip, it sounded rehearsed and I hate it when people snot back at Simon (with one exception that I will get to later). He is on the fence.

David "my hair picks up girls at the bar and then doesn't call them the next day" Cook singing HAPPY TOGETHER:
I did king of like what he did with the song. Kind of an emo version which is ironic, considering the title of the song. But he sounded a little whiny. And I don't like him. He is expendable.

Jason "I HAVE A SON!!!" Yeager singing MOON RIVER:
Damn, I am tired of people pimping their kids on this show. I have two kids and neither one of them makes me a better singer. Shut up about it and just coast on your tremendous good looks the way God intended you to! Heh... Just kidding, his voice is actually very nice, and I liked the way he moved the melody around a bit. Ultimatly it was forgettable, but he may get by on his looks. This will be a theme with a few of these fellas. I am fence-y with him.

Robbie "not the kind of famous I was looking for" Carrico singing ONE:
He tossed off an aside about opening for Britney, but that was when he sang pop music. Ewwww! He's a rocker now! And I actually found his performance to be positively Bo Bicean. I liked him a lot. He did do a few boy band hand moves which I loathe (as did a few others) and he did pretty up his voice a few times before he noticed and recalibrated his rock-o-meter for maximum rocking. I like him a lot and I would bet the farm that he will be back next week.

David "who cares that I can't string two words together coherently" Archuletta singing SHOP AROUND:
Oh my gosh, he was amazing! And the fact that he was so gobsmacked by the compliments just made him all the cuter. He is adorable and I imagine that Walt Disney is feverishly trying to defrost himself in the nearest microwave in hopes that he can steal wee Davy away to clone him in a lab under Space Mountain to make an army of perfect teen-pop performers. Cute, personable, very very talented and absolutely safe.

Danny "not going to insert a prison joke here" Noreiga singing JAILHOUSE ROCK:
Oh Danny, I had such high hopes! He reminds me of one of my students and I love his voice, but he did horribly. He just chose badly. And his dancing really makes me question his sexuality. I had heard he was gay, but dang, he dances about as well as I do. Which is to say - ouch! I kind of agree that it was "verging on the grotesque" but I am really hoping for another chance for him. And I did love his little throw away "some people didn't like that" to Simon. It was just a little sassy aside and not an ineffective smack like Luke or Chikeze's. I am going to call him on the fence because I hope he is, but he is in the bottom four.

Luke "please just come to my house and let me look at your for hours and hours" Menard singing EVERYBODY'S TALKING:
His is ever so pretty and has a nice voice but it was fortettable. Truly. I liked the nice delicate note at the end, but it is only his lovely face that is keeping him on the fence.

Colton "my hair is not an extention of my personality, it is just nice" Berry singing SUSPICIOUS MINDS:
I liked this performance a lot! I don't like the goofy boy band hand gestures, but they seem in keeping with his "musical theater" background. His voice is nice, he seems genuinely likeable and I think he will appeal to people who find David Archuletta just a bit too edgy. He is on the fence.

Garrett "it's not my fault they keep me out of the sun" Hawley singing BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO:
He is a sad indicator that it might not be fair to have former professionals in with the great unwashed. He has a nice voice and is cute-ish, but just not very polished. He looks like the lost Bay City Roller and he is from Ohio. His performance was just dull enough to get him on the expendable list.

Jason "illegitimate son of Lisa Cuddy and the singer from Counting Crows" Castro singing WHAT A DAY FOR A DAYDREAM:
I was taken quite by surprise by the judges' response to him. I loved the performance, there was kind of a hippie-dippy jam band feel to some of his inflection that I thought would be lost on them. I was thrilled that they seemed to like him as well as I did. His family looked kid of grumpy, though. Heh, he is totally safe. I almost voted for him, but then I remembered that that would mean I care too much. (Unlike taking obsessive notes and typing this out for an hour or so...)

Michael "the anoited one" Johns singing (of course) LIGHT MY FIRE:
Words can not express how annoyed I was by this performance. Don't get me wrong, I like this guy a lot and I think he is the closest thing we have to a lock on the top 12, but my Grandma could sing this song and I would watch thinking, "Wow, Grandma, you do a good Jim Morrison!" It is his song and no one elses. And I think MJ did a nearly perfect Morrison impression without a lick of originality. From the wrap-up at the end, it looked like he went off the book a lot more in the dress rehearsa, so I might have liked that better, but I just didn't care for this at all. Needless to say, though, he is safe.

So, to recap, possible leavers are:
Garrett Hawley
Danny Noriega
David Cook
David Hernandez

Probably not leaving, but you never can tell:
Chikeze
Jason Yeager
Luke Menard
Colton Berry

Safe as houses:
Michael Johns
Jason Castro
David Archuletta
Robbie Carrico

If I were picking, Cook and Hawley would be leaving. We shall see...

Brunie, OUT!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Cowboy Drew! Cowboy Drew!!

Idol has made a dreadful mistake!
My poor little heart goes break break break.
That deep-voiced honey, the one that I crave—
Oh, f*** it, I'll settle for Michael and Dave.

I'm sad for Cardin and Kyle and of course for Drew. I'm delighted about Josiah, who never looked more like a slightly deranged homeless kid than he did tonight—oh, please, please go home to your folks, ramblin' boy.

And as for the previously invisible Colton and Alexandrea and Amy and Jason and Garrett and Luke and Cady? I wouldn't get too comfy, kids. That's all I'm sayin'.

Congratulations to the Greatest. Top 24. EVER! (© Seacrest, 2008) You heard it here. (Celeste! My smelling salts!)

Lady Chardonnay, broken-hearted and OUT.

Hollywood Hysteria

(Alternate title: "Y'ever eat deer jerky?")

Okay, we've all had contestants shoved in our faces, but this may be the first time an entire season was shoved in our face! The greatest singers humankind could assemble! The most dramatic cut in Idol history! Once I actually started noting it, I got,"This year, the talent is better than ever" and "Yesterday's historic elimination . . . !" (Seacrest, 2008). Guess last year's lameness (and, more to the point, the subsequent dip in the ratings) has everyone's shorts a bit damp, so to speak. But it does make for a somewhat wearying viewing experience. This new group, what we've seen of them, may be simply swell, but really, guys, I can get there myself.

So we're in Hollywood, and as sensible as the changes may be (much as I adored the doo-wop foursomes, what did they really have to do with anything? And making you wait in the Room O' Doom with a Brittenum Twin is beyond cruel), doing it this way . . . was just like another audition show, wasn't it? I didn't need two hours of it. When Oklahoma's Next Governor walked into his hotel room to find two girls—that was the liveliest thing that happened all night, and made me mourn Old Hollywood. Show us the girls! Show us their reactions, and a befuddled front-deskperson! Show us how this wacky Three's Company gets resolved! But Idol went another way, and simply showed us . . . somebody else singing. Well, I guess it is a singing show, and I shouldn't complain (but then, what would I have to blog about?).

(Mimosa's take on the Gov: "He could be like Aiken.")

Brooke "No R-Rated Movies" started off the evening, and she is niceness personified. I definitely got a Carole King vibe from her. I like Brooke a lot, and I believe the scenes of her sobbing in the elevator are Idol tomfoolery! Will Idol still love Brooke tomorrow? We shall see.

Lots of disappointments, including my sweet gay friend Leo—so dull, so very dull on the big stage. And delights to be had as well: Crowned Beauty Queen Brooke blowing Unchained Melody—such joy! Amy the Virginity Cheerleader—squeaky, so very squeaky! (But here's the thing—well , two things really: She sounded much better the second day, so clearly she can learn and improve. And why on earth would her vocal coach have her learn a brand-new song just hours before the most important audition of her life? Bad judgment on everybody's part.)

I liked some of the instrument players way more than the judges did. Mimosa said, "The judges are very cranky."

Li'l Martini: "Some of it is pretty terribly bad."

I do not get Josiah at all. Why do the judges love him so much? He gives me a freak.

Who I love: Michael Johns, the hubba-hubba Aussie, and David Cook, the quietly confident rocker. I could listen to these guys sing all day.

Li'l Martini: "You're writing very boldly." Okay, Mr. Mouthy, it's your bedtime now.

Here's an Idol mystery: Why do Irish Carly and Confident David Cook both have blue tongues? Do I want to know, really?

Young David Archulata has a sweet, clean voice, and is impressive for 16—but why the tongue bath? And freakin' Josiah again—I don't see a designated Anointed One this year (several could hold that title) but I really don't get the peeing frenzy over these two. And I'm glad Simon called out Josiah for how precious he was being in his last audition—but to then let him go through, when others who I thought equally good (meaning: okay) (Angela with the sick daughter comes to mind—not because of the daughter, but because she had a sweet voice with potential) . . . I just don't see what they see, sometimes. Or hear.

And now, the question we should all be asking: WHERE IS COWBOY DREW? Drew Poppinfresh, my Idol boyfriend, I am not forsaking you for Michael and David, but where the heck are you, baby? I caught a glimpse of him in a breakout room, draped around a girl who won't appreciate him, but not a note did we hear my honey sing. Bad Hollywood Week! Bad!!

And I HATE when Idol recaps something we just saw within the hour. It's a two-hour composite of a week's worth of drama—you can't find something new to show us for the last five minutes?! Give me a break.

So, my predictions for tonight:

Top 12 Girls
Irish Carly
Kristy Lee Someone, the cage-fighter
Syesha, who sang Aretha with no voice—she's a superstar
A'siah, whose father just died—ditto
Amanda the rocker nurse
Nice Brooke
Beth Stalker, maybe
Tiny Asian Girl, maybe
. . . and four others who were previously invisible to us—in other words, don't get attached

Top 12 Boys
Cowboy Drew Poppinfresh, please baby please baby please
Aussie Michael
Confident David Rocker
Young David "Second Coming" Archulata
Josiah "Just Go Home to Your Parents Already" Car-Dweller
Robbie Silly String
Somebody Hernandez, who we've never seen before but did well last night
Oklahoma's Next Governor, who has totally grown on me (but I think it's gonna be a small-doses kind of enjoyment)
Rocker Robbie
Chiceze, maybe
. . . and two others (don't even bother to learn their names, frankly)

Later!

Lady Chardonnay (actually drinking Yellow Tail Chardonnay—product placement!—right this very minute; see how mellow my typing is?) OUT.

There's No Business Like Old Business

Before I move on to the wonders of HOLLYWOOD WEEK, I simply must do something with the scrawled notes I made on a Spiegel catalogue insert (because I like to keep an accurate record, don'tcha know).

Dear readers, let us travel back in time . . .

Actually, first go waaaay back to the guy who brought the bag of stuffed animals. I have nothing more to say about him, per se, but remember when he set down his bag? Didn't it look like it had more stuff in it? Do you think he had another audition after this one? Fascinating, really.

Loved Rocker Robbie, whose friends celebrated with Silly String. Especially loved when Ryan joined in the fun, then recoiled when he got Silly String in his hair. Oh, the horror.

Corliss and Brittany—it was nice to see Randy get some love.

Julie, the American Junior—I was too overwhelmed with loathing to hear a note she sang. My loathing has its own zip code, is what I'm saying. Dreadful girl.

Crazy-eyed Josh Jones, the glass cutter—while I hated the song he sang, I enjoyed his voice—and as I looked down to note this on my Spiegel page, I missed his crazy eyes entirely. I'm still not convinced this is enough of a reason to invest in Tivo, however . . . ("Crazy eyes, 24-7! Never miss a crazy eye again!" Yeah.)

Asia'h (it will take me all season to learn where to place the apostrophe), whose dad just died—Simon's gentleness with her made me bawl.

Brooke the Crowned Beauty Queen—how desperately I wanted her to suck. How deeply disappointing that she was okay-plus. Oh, the hate, the hate.

Amanda, the biker nurse—"Wow I really like her," I said to Mimosa, who snarked, "Do I know you?" To clarify: I don't like her voice at all, but she herself is a hoot.

Man, this is the season for sob stories! Makes A-Fed's tracheotomy scar seem like a hangnail.

Josiah lives in his car. I'm already tired of Josiah.

Li'l Martini is in love with Chiceze (I will learn how to spell it, I promise). Chiceze is a lot of fun. We could do worse.

I was psyched to see JoAnne, the plus-size model—at last, a big girl on the show who knows how to dress. We won't see her in a tucked-in shirt and jeans, I suspect. If she makes it out of Hollywood, that is, and given Simon's love for the plus-size in general . . . oh, yeah, we'll see her again. For sure. Yeah.

I can now toss my scribblings aside and join Brunie in Hollywood (baby!)!

Lady C OUT . . . for just a second.

Hawleywood, Baby!

I just crack up every time Randy would yell, "It's Hawleywood, Baby!" And yet I am helpless not to type it myself.

So it was Hawleywood last night and it was fine. I was looking forward to the group sing but I guess they realized that it wasn't fair to those who got saddled with the weak. And I was looking forward to the rooms o' doom where everyone looks around at each other and tries to decide if they are in the room o' winners or the room o' going home. But they 86ed that too.

What they (foolishly) gave us instead was the questionable treat of seeing pre-idols playing instruments. Not a good idea... If they were too good at playing, Simon hated it. If they were too lame, Simon hated it. I do think that the boost in confidence the contestants may have gotten from having an instrumental crutch was far outweighed by the fact that they couldn't concentrate as hard on their singing.

So the ones I see going far are Irish-American girl, Australian-American boy, car-liver (ewwww, but my kids love him), cute 16 year old boy with preternaturally good voice, gay-ish 18 year old boy with sweet big eyes, gorgeous black girl who had no voice but sang Aretha like a dream, no-R-rated movie piano playing girl, and maybe tiny Asian girl. At least they are the only ones I remember.

Four minutes into the episode they were showing a rehearsal and I stopped my TiVo (yea, Tivo!!) to see a girl in a bright pink sweater reading a copy of Catcher in the Rye while she was sitting around waiting to sing. I was so thrilled to see a reader. I told Lady Char about this miracle and she said, "A reader? Oh, she'll go far..." Which, of course. And then we bonded about how we both think Holden Caufield is a bit of a whiner. Then we decided to go tanning and get extensions and not even study for our biology midterm. Kegger at the Chars Friday night!!

I am a little concerned about how much I am looking forward to the cutting heads tonight! If we flood out and my house floats away I don't know what I am going to do about missing Idol!

Brunie, OUT!