Hollywood Hysteria

(Alternate title: "Y'ever eat deer jerky?")

Okay, we've all had contestants shoved in our faces, but this may be the first time an entire season was shoved in our face! The greatest singers humankind could assemble! The most dramatic cut in Idol history! Once I actually started noting it, I got,"This year, the talent is better than ever" and "Yesterday's historic elimination . . . !" (Seacrest, 2008). Guess last year's lameness (and, more to the point, the subsequent dip in the ratings) has everyone's shorts a bit damp, so to speak. But it does make for a somewhat wearying viewing experience. This new group, what we've seen of them, may be simply swell, but really, guys, I can get there myself.

So we're in Hollywood, and as sensible as the changes may be (much as I adored the doo-wop foursomes, what did they really have to do with anything? And making you wait in the Room O' Doom with a Brittenum Twin is beyond cruel), doing it this way . . . was just like another audition show, wasn't it? I didn't need two hours of it. When Oklahoma's Next Governor walked into his hotel room to find two girls—that was the liveliest thing that happened all night, and made me mourn Old Hollywood. Show us the girls! Show us their reactions, and a befuddled front-deskperson! Show us how this wacky Three's Company gets resolved! But Idol went another way, and simply showed us . . . somebody else singing. Well, I guess it is a singing show, and I shouldn't complain (but then, what would I have to blog about?).

(Mimosa's take on the Gov: "He could be like Aiken.")

Brooke "No R-Rated Movies" started off the evening, and she is niceness personified. I definitely got a Carole King vibe from her. I like Brooke a lot, and I believe the scenes of her sobbing in the elevator are Idol tomfoolery! Will Idol still love Brooke tomorrow? We shall see.

Lots of disappointments, including my sweet gay friend Leo—so dull, so very dull on the big stage. And delights to be had as well: Crowned Beauty Queen Brooke blowing Unchained Melody—such joy! Amy the Virginity Cheerleader—squeaky, so very squeaky! (But here's the thing—well , two things really: She sounded much better the second day, so clearly she can learn and improve. And why on earth would her vocal coach have her learn a brand-new song just hours before the most important audition of her life? Bad judgment on everybody's part.)

I liked some of the instrument players way more than the judges did. Mimosa said, "The judges are very cranky."

Li'l Martini: "Some of it is pretty terribly bad."

I do not get Josiah at all. Why do the judges love him so much? He gives me a freak.

Who I love: Michael Johns, the hubba-hubba Aussie, and David Cook, the quietly confident rocker. I could listen to these guys sing all day.

Li'l Martini: "You're writing very boldly." Okay, Mr. Mouthy, it's your bedtime now.

Here's an Idol mystery: Why do Irish Carly and Confident David Cook both have blue tongues? Do I want to know, really?

Young David Archulata has a sweet, clean voice, and is impressive for 16—but why the tongue bath? And freakin' Josiah again—I don't see a designated Anointed One this year (several could hold that title) but I really don't get the peeing frenzy over these two. And I'm glad Simon called out Josiah for how precious he was being in his last audition—but to then let him go through, when others who I thought equally good (meaning: okay) (Angela with the sick daughter comes to mind—not because of the daughter, but because she had a sweet voice with potential) . . . I just don't see what they see, sometimes. Or hear.

And now, the question we should all be asking: WHERE IS COWBOY DREW? Drew Poppinfresh, my Idol boyfriend, I am not forsaking you for Michael and David, but where the heck are you, baby? I caught a glimpse of him in a breakout room, draped around a girl who won't appreciate him, but not a note did we hear my honey sing. Bad Hollywood Week! Bad!!

And I HATE when Idol recaps something we just saw within the hour. It's a two-hour composite of a week's worth of drama—you can't find something new to show us for the last five minutes?! Give me a break.

So, my predictions for tonight:

Top 12 Girls
Irish Carly
Kristy Lee Someone, the cage-fighter
Syesha, who sang Aretha with no voice—she's a superstar
A'siah, whose father just died—ditto
Amanda the rocker nurse
Nice Brooke
Beth Stalker, maybe
Tiny Asian Girl, maybe
. . . and four others who were previously invisible to us—in other words, don't get attached

Top 12 Boys
Cowboy Drew Poppinfresh, please baby please baby please
Aussie Michael
Confident David Rocker
Young David "Second Coming" Archulata
Josiah "Just Go Home to Your Parents Already" Car-Dweller
Robbie Silly String
Somebody Hernandez, who we've never seen before but did well last night
Oklahoma's Next Governor, who has totally grown on me (but I think it's gonna be a small-doses kind of enjoyment)
Rocker Robbie
Chiceze, maybe
. . . and two others (don't even bother to learn their names, frankly)

Later!

Lady Chardonnay (actually drinking Yellow Tail Chardonnay—product placement!—right this very minute; see how mellow my typing is?) OUT.