"Cute as a Button" Is NOT a Singing Evaluation

(Alternate title: "I Could Not Kara Less")

I greeted her with an open mind and gave her a chance, but now I'll say it: The Kara Experiment has fizzled. It's not that she's a bad judge, per se; rather, it's that she brings nothing new to the table:

• Industry cred (already covered by Randy and Simon)
• Occasionally astute comments (Simon, sometimes others)
• Occasionally off-the-wall comments (all of them, but mostly Randy)
• Estrogen and pretty outfits (Paula, Ryan)
• Arrogance (Simon)

She's got nothing else, and it's just too much chat. And with Paula stepping up her game (which Brunie so beautifully outlined), Paula's more indispensable than ever. Kara can ride out the season, but then I hope she just keeps on wagon-training.

So, once again I missed Tuesday's show in real time (I have a four-week Tuesday class, so I'll miss Wild Card Night as well**), but I've watched the tape and am again blogging blind—I don't know what the results are.

Funny show—the second half was so much better than the first, and this is also the first time we have vastly more than three contenders for the top spots. I wish they could bag two of the kids from the first week and pick five tonight. Oh, well.

Von Smith starts us off with a much more modulated performance than he's offered before. Though it's my favorite Von performance, it's still just OK, but it's good to know Von can dial it down.

Tall Taylor Vaitanua looks great and sounds shaky. Paula says, "We heard you sing this in Holly wood Week—why not show us something new?" And I'm thinking, We who, girlfriend? WE, the viewing audience, have barely seen Tall Taylor! Anything she sings is new to us! And then Kara makes her bizarre comment about shopping. Wacky show!

Alex Wagner-Trugman promises to be my boyfriend tonight, which is very nice. I've had worse offers, let me tell you. What an endearing little dork. Alas, we'll not see Alex again.

Arianna Afsar makes me indignant on her behalf—she KNOWS that "cute" is a compliment, Kara! And she also knows—AS SHOULD YOU—that if the headline of the review is "Cute as a button!" this is not good news for her singing. Unfortunately, Arianna chooses the wrong song by a mile, and I can't really root for her.

Cutie-pie Ju'not Joyner sings "Hey There Delilah" so sweetly. Exciting? No. But sweet? Yes. On another night (yes, I'm pointing at YOU, Kris Allen) this would be enough to get him through, but tonight is not that night.

Kristen McNamara is blonde-hued tonight, rather than purple, but wears the stupidest dress ever. How I would love to dress this girl! She's cute and goofily sexy (á la Alyson Hannigan) and could look totally hot in the right outfit. Hmm, perhaps I should mention that I really love her voice as well. Perhaps I should have led with that. It's easy to get distracted with this girl. My fingers are crossed hard.

Nathaniel Crying Boy Marshall sings a fabulous Meat Loaf song not as badly as one (meaning: I) might have expected. And possibly secretly hoped. However, in a night of strong singers, he doesn't have a chance.

Felicia "Mommy Come Lately" Barton is our replacement for Joanna Lyric-Forgetter, looks gorgeous and Cher-ish, and sounds fantastic! Though she puts an "H" in front of the word "you"—"hyoo"—which I found distracting. Still, I like her a lot. Not as much as Kristen or Tonight's Designated Girl Star, but a solid third, for sure.

Scott MacIntyre has a simply beautiful voice. If he sounds this good sans piano, the competition is his oyster. I'm curious to see/hear how versatile he'll be in the weeks to come, as I can only remember him singing power ballads. Nonetheless—sign me firmly on the love train for this guy.

Kendall Beard, Cameron Diaz's country cousin, sings a dopey two-lyric song very cutely. Again, alas—not enough to get her through tonight.

(Side note: Last names that are nouns always tickle me. For that reason alone, I will dearly miss Kendall Beard.)

Jorge Eyebrows Nuñez sounds fine singing a song that's been sung to death on this show. Also, I find him hard to watch. But his voice is very nice.

Tonight's Designated Girl Star, Lil Rounds, looks FANTASTIC (what a tiny waist she has!) and sounds amazing, singing a song I dislike intensely. I hate hate HATE that Mary J. Blige/Fantasia-like sound, but this babe can seriously blow.

Going forward without a doubt: Scott and Lil. But the next spot—hully gee! We have several excellent contenders: Kristen (fingers crossed), Jorge, Felicia, Ju'not, and possibly even Von. An embarrassment of riches!

OK, let me go check my predictions now.

* * * *
Yep: Scott, Lil, and Jorge. That is fine.

I accidentally saw the list of Wild Cardees: Von Smith, Jasmine Nasal Murray, Ricky Braddy, Tattooed Megan Joy Corkrey, Tatiana Train Wreck Del Toro, Matt Giraud (it's not zher-OH, it's zher-ODD), Jesse Langseth and Anoop Desai. Wow, I have to say that this stuns me. Only one person from last night—the strongest night yet—but three from awful Week 1 and four from boring Week 2? Madness. My only hope is that they'll choose four more to make it a group of 12 . . . but it is a faint hope, given the presence of Von.

** Having now read my TV Guide, I see that Wild Card Night is TONIGHT. And I will miss it because I have a meeting. Oh, well! One of these days Idol and I will both be back on schedule.

Until then!

Lady Chardonnay OUT!