Melissa's Goin' Home

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originally uploaded by thejoyofidol.

Well, I didn't get to see last night's results show but I figured Melissa was on her way out for FORGETTING THE FREAKING WORDS! And my students assured me this morning that this was the case.

But my inability to keep up with the fast pace of Idol-hood shall in no way impede my desire to bore you all with my bitchy opinions about Wednesday night's show.

I think I will assign each contestant a task for the after-life based on their performance.

ACE - Oh, he shall be responsible for feeding the hounds of hell their worm medecine. And checking their parts. He was so foul singing "Do I Do?" That he must pay, oh he must pay...

KELLIE - Every time I think of Kellie I think "she was fine". So I suppose she should do something with fines. Maybe she'll be a meter-maid in purgatory. Not good, not bad - dullish but with a cute outfit.

ELLIOT - I can't even read my notes with the name of the song. He sounded good but looked funny. I am sorry I can't get around it. He will be the dental hygenist for all the British people in heaven.

MANDISA - I can no longer be objective. I love her so much - she will get pedicures with Mrs. C, Lady Char and I every Tuesday afternoon in Paradise.

BUCKY - He will sing the National Anthem at all the NASCAR races on the streets of gold for admitting he couldn't pick a Stevie song out of a line-up and then going nuts for "Superstition". And it will be the National Anthem of heaven, not America so no accusing me of being xenophobic.

MELISSA - She will have the pretty pink trailer on the trashier side of heaven. Near the snake handlers. (I'm kidding, KIDDING!)

LISA - She sang "Signed Sealed Delivered" and earned herself a spot as the postmistress who makes deliveries from one world to another. She will live in heaven, but her boyfriend will be an unbaptized baby.

KEVIN - I think that when he goes to college and realizes how people respond to his "fame" this will be his own personal hell. And the shock and mild horror I felt at seeing him sing "Part Time Lover" will be but a memory for me.

KAT- She won't be able to make pedicure Tuesdays, but she can meet us for drinks after. She kicked ass at "'Til You Come Back To Me" the best justification of stalking ever.

TAYLOR - Will be responsible for fetching things for Ray Charles, Joe Cocker and every other scratchey-voiced tick-y singer from whom he has stolen his schtick. But he did just well enough with "Just Enough" to get in.

PARIS - You know that she sings like a cute little angel and will continue to do that onve she passes through the pearly gates. But if she ever sings to Ryan after she finishes her song again, it will make me hope she starts sooner rather than later.

CHRIS - "Higher Ground" sounded good, and I like him. He will get to design the afterlives for the people who gave him a hard time when he was in customer service.

I look forwards to 50's night. I hope somebody sings "Little Darlin'" by the Diamonds. It rules.

Brunie OUT!

*** It should be apparent that this flight of fancy in no way represents Ms Crow's actual expectations of life after death and she deeply apologizes to anyone living or dead who is offended by it.