"Cute as a Button" Is NOT a Singing Evaluation

(Alternate title: "I Could Not Kara Less")

I greeted her with an open mind and gave her a chance, but now I'll say it: The Kara Experiment has fizzled. It's not that she's a bad judge, per se; rather, it's that she brings nothing new to the table:

• Industry cred (already covered by Randy and Simon)
• Occasionally astute comments (Simon, sometimes others)
• Occasionally off-the-wall comments (all of them, but mostly Randy)
• Estrogen and pretty outfits (Paula, Ryan)
• Arrogance (Simon)

She's got nothing else, and it's just too much chat. And with Paula stepping up her game (which Brunie so beautifully outlined), Paula's more indispensable than ever. Kara can ride out the season, but then I hope she just keeps on wagon-training.

So, once again I missed Tuesday's show in real time (I have a four-week Tuesday class, so I'll miss Wild Card Night as well**), but I've watched the tape and am again blogging blind—I don't know what the results are.

Funny show—the second half was so much better than the first, and this is also the first time we have vastly more than three contenders for the top spots. I wish they could bag two of the kids from the first week and pick five tonight. Oh, well.

Von Smith starts us off with a much more modulated performance than he's offered before. Though it's my favorite Von performance, it's still just OK, but it's good to know Von can dial it down.

Tall Taylor Vaitanua looks great and sounds shaky. Paula says, "We heard you sing this in Holly wood Week—why not show us something new?" And I'm thinking, We who, girlfriend? WE, the viewing audience, have barely seen Tall Taylor! Anything she sings is new to us! And then Kara makes her bizarre comment about shopping. Wacky show!

Alex Wagner-Trugman promises to be my boyfriend tonight, which is very nice. I've had worse offers, let me tell you. What an endearing little dork. Alas, we'll not see Alex again.

Arianna Afsar makes me indignant on her behalf—she KNOWS that "cute" is a compliment, Kara! And she also knows—AS SHOULD YOU—that if the headline of the review is "Cute as a button!" this is not good news for her singing. Unfortunately, Arianna chooses the wrong song by a mile, and I can't really root for her.

Cutie-pie Ju'not Joyner sings "Hey There Delilah" so sweetly. Exciting? No. But sweet? Yes. On another night (yes, I'm pointing at YOU, Kris Allen) this would be enough to get him through, but tonight is not that night.

Kristen McNamara is blonde-hued tonight, rather than purple, but wears the stupidest dress ever. How I would love to dress this girl! She's cute and goofily sexy (á la Alyson Hannigan) and could look totally hot in the right outfit. Hmm, perhaps I should mention that I really love her voice as well. Perhaps I should have led with that. It's easy to get distracted with this girl. My fingers are crossed hard.

Nathaniel Crying Boy Marshall sings a fabulous Meat Loaf song not as badly as one (meaning: I) might have expected. And possibly secretly hoped. However, in a night of strong singers, he doesn't have a chance.

Felicia "Mommy Come Lately" Barton is our replacement for Joanna Lyric-Forgetter, looks gorgeous and Cher-ish, and sounds fantastic! Though she puts an "H" in front of the word "you"—"hyoo"—which I found distracting. Still, I like her a lot. Not as much as Kristen or Tonight's Designated Girl Star, but a solid third, for sure.

Scott MacIntyre has a simply beautiful voice. If he sounds this good sans piano, the competition is his oyster. I'm curious to see/hear how versatile he'll be in the weeks to come, as I can only remember him singing power ballads. Nonetheless—sign me firmly on the love train for this guy.

Kendall Beard, Cameron Diaz's country cousin, sings a dopey two-lyric song very cutely. Again, alas—not enough to get her through tonight.

(Side note: Last names that are nouns always tickle me. For that reason alone, I will dearly miss Kendall Beard.)

Jorge Eyebrows Nuñez sounds fine singing a song that's been sung to death on this show. Also, I find him hard to watch. But his voice is very nice.

Tonight's Designated Girl Star, Lil Rounds, looks FANTASTIC (what a tiny waist she has!) and sounds amazing, singing a song I dislike intensely. I hate hate HATE that Mary J. Blige/Fantasia-like sound, but this babe can seriously blow.

Going forward without a doubt: Scott and Lil. But the next spot—hully gee! We have several excellent contenders: Kristen (fingers crossed), Jorge, Felicia, Ju'not, and possibly even Von. An embarrassment of riches!

OK, let me go check my predictions now.

* * * *
Yep: Scott, Lil, and Jorge. That is fine.

I accidentally saw the list of Wild Cardees: Von Smith, Jasmine Nasal Murray, Ricky Braddy, Tattooed Megan Joy Corkrey, Tatiana Train Wreck Del Toro, Matt Giraud (it's not zher-OH, it's zher-ODD), Jesse Langseth and Anoop Desai. Wow, I have to say that this stuns me. Only one person from last night—the strongest night yet—but three from awful Week 1 and four from boring Week 2? Madness. My only hope is that they'll choose four more to make it a group of 12 . . . but it is a faint hope, given the presence of Von.

** Having now read my TV Guide, I see that Wild Card Night is TONIGHT. And I will miss it because I have a meeting. Oh, well! One of these days Idol and I will both be back on schedule.

Until then!

Lady Chardonnay OUT!

Hey Hey Paula!

I am on a chat list (Hi IDOL CHATTERS!) with my pal Ms Southern Fried Lawyer and she wrapped up the episode for me neatly - "I think the performances tonight were largely forgettable. I think Lil was, by far, the best (I could have done without the plea for votes in the song, though). I think she, Scott and Jorge go through.....IMHO the tears sealed it for Jorge." Well said, SFL.

As far as the non Jorge, Scott and Lil performances (all three of which I liked far more than I have liked them in the past - except Lil's "call this show" thing which made me groan) the one that surprised me was Von. He has done nothing but irritate me from the get to, and I really enjoyed him for the first time.

Also, Ju'not, who I liked the whole time, did a wonderful thing - he made me not want to rip out my own throat hearing HEY THERE DELILAH, the whiniest little turd of a song ever. He sounded good. Although I do think they gushed a little more than was necessary.

I liked last night much better than the previous two "cutting-heads" rounds. Although I have to say, most of the girls made me sleepy with the exception of that little country singer in the yellow dress who had some pep to her, even if her voice was a little shrill. And I kind of liked the "Janie come lately" stay-at-home-mom. She said "Oh my gosh!' instead of "Oh my God!" which always endears me to a contestant. It makes them seem more polite somehow.

I am very excited about the wild card round. I think that because they have double the boys, it is going to be at least 2 girls, if not 3 being chosen. This makes me sad for Anoop, because I think that he is lovely. Also, the fluffy haired keyboard guy who walked off stage in Hollywood. But it bodes well for that tiny little teenage girl from the diva group who has all the older sisters and maybe the annoying rocker-chick who needs it so bad and sounds like she smokes 15 packs of luckies a day. And maybe cute-as-a-button, who I was so proud of for not bursting into tears last night and who I adore because she wants to succeed without people focusing on her looks. HAH!! So sweet, but that will change. I loved Kara (who is, frankly more annoying than usual) saying, basically, "No, sister - pimp those looks! Sell it!"

And finally PAULA!!! Oh my gosh! She remembered everything everyone sang, she remembered names from weeks ago that no one else did. She gave thoughtful and intelligent advice. I LOVED HER SO MUCH. Stay Paula, stay just like this!

I will be fast forwarding tonight and watching with interest tomorrow!

Brunie-OUT!

Baby Love

(I am speaking of my love child, Adam Lambert. LOVE him! But not in a pervy Mrs. Robinson kind o' way, I just want to nestle him to my motherly bosom and take away his pain. Except, he's feeling no pain; have we ever met such a cheerful cocky boy? LOVE this kid!)

So my goal of timely blogging promptly hit a snag: When Idol and Lost square off, there is no contest; I'm hangin' with Sun and Sayid. And there never seemed to be a good time to watch my tape, though I finally did watch it. But, my hand to God, Gentle Readers, as of this writing, I don't know what the results are. I'll look them up before I finish. But I am practically writing in real time, or at least real oblivion, as we speak. Cherish the moment!

I have to say, though, I hope they bag this "Top 36" Slaughter of the Innocents nonsense before next year. Saying goodbye to one or two people at a time, that we can handle, but saying goodbye to nine? It's too much. So we shut off, which means that we don't care about any of them. I haven't voted once, I am not remotely invested, Stevie's gone, I just don't care.

So, in a state of profound ennui, I say: Bring on the next 12! But I had to force myself to type that exclamation point.

Jasmine Nasal survived a four-way with Bikini Girl, but alas, that was her Idol highlight. She is not good at all.

Matt Giraud (who knew this was pronounced phonetically? I've been saying "zher-oh") sounds fine singing an awful song. Too bad, I kind of like him.

Dang me, there's a lot of chat afterward!

Jeanine Vailes, so very old at 28, promises that she'll do better and choose a better song next time. Honey—if you can do better than this, why didn't you do it this time? Ryan made me laugh, though: "Based on their reactions, Jeanine, what did you do . . . to your legs to prepare?" She does indeed have very nice legs, even for a crone.

(Twenty-eight! Honey! I have purses older than you!)

Norman Spastic . . . is not even funny. For God's sake, Randy will laugh at lint. How desperately I hope that this is the last time I will ever write this person's name.

"Red"headed Alison Irahita is fantastic! Focused, calm, controlled, and she sounds great. I wish I'd seen her before, so I had something to compare this to. But it looks like she just may break the invisibility curse. Good for you, "Red"!

Kris Invisible is boring and over-sings, in my opinion, though the judges disagree. Simon opines, "I think the chicks are going to love you." Simon, you're so '70s! We're "birds" now.

Megan Joy Corkrey with the tattooed arm looks very pretty, wiggles fetchingly, and is undoubtedly talented; I simply hate her voice. But I don't hold that against her. Paula hearts her, which I find cute.

Matt Breizke, aka Big Bald Guy, has a lovely voice and sings a weird-ass song. Hysterically, one of the judges refers to "the great Matt we saw in Hollywood"—yeah, that would be the Matt whom you forced to do a sing-off, that's how great you thought he was. Dopes.

Jessie Langseth looks scary and bloodless, but the more she talks, the more I start to like her a little. Her voice is scary, though. I don't know what to think of Jessie.

I love Kai Kalama the person and I like Kai Kalama the singer and I have high hopes. Alas, Kai Kalama chose tonight to pass a stone. He sounds okay (especially during the growly bits), but his wrenched-up face is alarming.

Mishavonna Henson is a nice girl who sings a bad song. Sing with me now: "Eh-eh-eh-eh." Yeah, that was the song. Oy, these current modern songs of today! ("If that's music, what's that stuff Cole Porter wrote?" Quick, quiz kids, what am I quoting?)

And then, and then. The clouds parted, the sun broke through, Obama was president all over again, and I was six kinds of happy! Adam Lambert brought the party, belting "Satisfaction" as he made love to his microphone. What a FUN performance! He made me laugh out loud from sheer joy. Take that, Norman Wannabe! (Yes, I typed the name again, of my own free will. Such is the power of Adam Lambert.)

Now here's where it gets crazy for me and Idol shoots itself in the foot. With this top vote-getter, top boy, and top girl construct, the three top vote-getters don't necessarily get picked. Which is WRONG. Say that Adam Lambert is the top vote-getter, which I fully expect, and that Alison Red is the top girl (ditto). This means that even if Megan Joy is our next runner-up, she doesn't make the top three! Instead, they have to choose from the less exciting boy pool. Oh, well.

So those are my predictions: Adam, Alison, and a random boy (I'm hoping for Kai, but it could be Big Matt or Kris Invisible).

And now I'm going to go see how I did.

* * * * *

Well, who is the smartest Lady ever? Would anyone else have predicted Kris Invisible? Weird, though.

So our Top 12 so far comprises a lot of boys—Dead Wife Danny, Big Mike Sarver, Adam Nummy, and Kris Invisible—and two cool girls, Alison Red and Alexis Pink. Curious.

I'm looking for some more girls to bring it next week (meaning: tonight), though I fear the two "stars" are also boys: Blind Piano Man Scott and Crying Boy Nathaniel. Sigh.

'Til then!

Lady Chardonnay OUT.

Oh Sweet Betsy...

..could it really be Norman Gentile?
You know, it was dull as dirt last night and after the secret child of Liza Minelli and Peter Allen and red-haired, personality-free belter - he just might be the next vote getter.

I would both love it and hate it.

In a nutshell, I am not going to even deign to write about last night other than to say YAWN. Once again, the ones I had liked dropped the ball and I don't like the ones IDOL is pimping. But I am surprisingly excited about tonight's results because we may actually see Simon poop in his pants if Norm sticks around. (Sorry, Char...)

Brunie and her baited breath

Idol is idle tonight

Because our dreamy, smart, cool President is speaking tonight, Idol will air on Wednesday and Thursday this week.
Love & kisses,
Mrs Not-Cynicletary about our President

Rainy Days and Thursdays

(They always get me down.)

A short list of people and entities who let me down:

• TV Guide, which told me that Idol would be on at 9 p.m. Which it WAS NOT. So I missed last night's episode entirely, tuning in only to see Danny sing and Tatiana look psychotic. Which could have been any night.
• The guy who recaps Idol for Television Without Pity, whose writing I cannot abide. After five pages of his self-indulgent blathering, I STILL couldn't tell who the finalists were. Which led me to (oh! the horror):
• Freakin' Fox's freakin' Web site , which normally I would shun at all costs — it at least announced the three finalists but didn't tell me what I really wanted to know: Who was the top vote-getter overall? I'm assuming Danny, but it's not at all clear. And I'm not spending any more time tooling around that particular Hellmouth.
  

And finally:

• America.

Well, Americans (and others) who vote for Idol, anyway. Michael Sarver? Really? I'm at a loss.

Whatever.

Lady Chardonnay, diligent and timely blogger, OUT.

There's Got to Be a Morning After

So, I watched my tape of last night's show. I'm all caught up now.

Yup. Seen it all.

Every. Interminable. Minute.

Yeah.

How many ways are there to say, Damn, that was boring? And that the parts that weren't boring were actively painful, for a variety of reasons?

All except Danny, who was very good and lots of fun and nice to look at. None of which makes him the Second Coming, I hasten to add, but having been preceded by the Evening of Ennui, I forgive Paula and the Gang for their mass tizzy.

The outright bad: Casey Carlson, who danced like a chicken, sang poorly, and I don't care about her anyway. Though it did crack me up when Kara said, "NOBODY goes NEAR those [The Police's] songs!" Since when? Brooke White did a stellar version of "Every Breath You Take" last year. But I don't care about Casey, so I'm not fightin' the good fight today. Bye, Casey.

People I like okay performed okay:

• Jackie Tohn, whose voice I loathe but who is undeniably talented—sounded fine
  
• Alexis "Kitten with a Whip" Grace, pink-haired girl—sounded fine
  
• Brent Keith, country boy, dimpled cutely and sounded fine, though Kara's comment, "This song doesn't range enough," was right on (Li'l Martini loves this guy, commenting, "Ex-cell-ent. And handsome!")
  
• Anoop Desai emoted boringly and sounded fine, though he is still very likable (why is that? what is it about Anoop?)
  
• Michael Sarver, who is NOT Brent Keith (an easy mistake) sounded okay singing a song I HATED, and I almost fell out of my chair when Paula said that my beloveds Bo and Elliot sang it as well. Guess I blocked that out. Or maybe I had a drink that night—it's possible.

In fact, given the over-enthusiasm the judges displayed for the first three singers, I desperately wished I had some of what they were drinking! But while I don't mind teaching my kids that a nice drink enhances one's viewing pleasure, I don't want them thinking it's essential. Even if it is, in this case.

[I'm working on the cocktail selection for my upcoming Oscar party, which involves much testing and sampling. I'm currently enjoying an Elizabeth Taylor, a violet-blue number that's said to be the color of the lady's eyes. And a nifty little drink it is as well! A definite contender. I'll keep you posted.]

Halfway through my viewing (mind you, with LOTS of fast-forwarding— who on earth wants to hear what the parents think?) I lost Mimosa, who said, "It really isn't that exciting. I'm totally bored!" Sister-girl needs a blog!

Minor surprise: Invisible Man Rikky Braddy sounds very nice singing a song about singing a song, and I would be very happy at the bar where he's singing. Too bad he doesn't have a chance (see: Invisibility). Though I did like his parents' "Braddy Bunch" T-shirts.

Major disappointments: Cutie-pie Stephen Fowler. Sweet Ann Marie Boskovich. And most of all, adorable Stevie Wright. I like them all so very much, and yet none of them did really well. Such a shame.

Gee, hmm, have I left anyone out? Anyone? Anyone?

Anyone?

Damn, this is the biggest pain I felt all night, even greater than the agony of Stevie's failure to bring it. How desperately I wanted Tatiana to fail! How excited I became when I heard she'd chosen Whitney! Whitney! The Holy Grail of singers (according to Idol)!

But she didn't fail. She simply didn't. Her singing was very good, in fact. Her speaking, in contrast, was as screamingly annoying as ever (but when I imitated her on the phone to Brunie, it was once again fantastic fun and I highly recommend it as therapy).

If this is a singing show, Tatiana should go through.

Since it's almost never been a show totally about singing (Melinda who?), I'm trusting in the fans to Do the Right Thing and send the crazy home. Enough, already!

Predictions:

• Danny, natch
  
• Brent Keith, who gets the country fan vote
  
• Either Anoop (who is well-liked) or Alexis (who probably deserves it)

And we'll see #4 person above, Jackie, maybe Rikky, and (I'm sorry, but I truly believe this) freakin' Tatiana on the wild card round.

Prove me wrong, America! Please! Please! You have my dream in your hands this is all I've ever wanted oh please oh please vote please vote!

(Dang me, it's fun to be crazy! Try it!)

Lady Chardonnay OUT!

Danny alone

I am pissed that Danny's friend Jamar got the boot and several of these no-talents, mostly girls with long brown hair whose names I can't be bothered to learn, got a place instead. Danny is the only one worthy of a swoon or memorizing of his name so far.
I hope they have a psychiatrist standing by for that crazy girl who is clearly bi-polar. She's a screeching maniac one minute and a creepy low key manipulator the next. She has a look in her eyes that says, any minute now I could pull out the butcher knife hidden under my big-skirt and kill as many audince members as I can reach. Stab yourself first you nut case!
Love & Kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

A Day in Hollywood

(A night of yelling at the TV, "Are you kidding me?")

Gentle Readers, I apologize for my tardy blogging. It's just been one of those weeks. But before I move on to the present day, I want to finish up with Hollywood—my opinions, they are legion. Go back in time with me, won't you?

Quick thoughts on Hollywood, Day 3:

• Blind Scott looks better behind a piano, much less Stephen Tobolowsky-ish, and I like him a lot. He should always carry a piano.
• Adam Lambert deconstructs a Cher song and sounds great (and even TV Guide is noting his resemblance to David Cook, which I pointed out ages ago. I should SO be a TV Guide writer!)
• How can Miss Teenage Teen Queen possibly still be there?
  
• New find (to me): Ju'not Joyner, who croons "Hey There Delilah" in a nice scratchy voice. Like!
• Leneshe, our "thuggish ways" girl, sounds ordinary and gets cut. On reflection, I think wearing a big hat was a mistake—we needed to see more of her sunshine smile and happy face.
• I am DONE with Norman Gentle, and I would thoroughly enjoy giving Tatiana a swat.

On to the final cuts! Or, as Ryan says, "It's the final judgment." Well, that's a little Book of Revelations for me, Ry, but potato, potahto.

Another Ryan quote has me laughing uncontrollably: "This year, we've changed everything." And what is Ryan referring to here? The HOUSE in which our contestants receive their Final Judgment. Like they care. Oh, Ryan.

(I guess a Top 36 is something new—I'm trying to figure out how it can work mathematically. If only there were some way to find out!)

So our contestants make their way up a staircase (instead of an elevator! Idol has changed everything!) and we receive the judges' (crazy-ass) verdicts. Which mostly I agree with, at first anyway:

• Anoop ("Like him!" I said. Mimosa adds, "SO much!")
• Von Smith, who emotes, "This is why I'm alive!" (To pummel me with song?)
• A bunch of less interesting people: Alex Hyphenate, cute Arianna, Casey, Megan with the tattooed arm, tall Taylor
• Adam Lambert, yay!
  
• Jasmine Nasal, less yay

Then:

• Lyric Forgetter Joanna? A lyric-forgetting repeat offender? Simon, you threaten with forked tongue

Ryan again: "It's Day 4 of a long, grueling Hell Week." Which, by his own math, has been three days. Long, indeed.

At this point something significant occurred, which at the time I didn't even realize: The kids and I watched only the first half of The Chair of Judgment and taped the rest to watch later. The next day, reading Brunie's post about who survived the final cuts, I writhed in horror. Norman Sprinkles? Crying Boy? Freakin' Tatiana? Should I prepare my kids or let them learn in "real" time?

I decided to at least warn Mimosa, who is a sensitive soul. But I didn't just tell her the names, I acted out each person.

And that's when we learned the thing of significance.

Acting like Tatiana? Is FUN.

Acting like Crying Boy and Norman Comfort is also fun. But acting like Tatiana is really really fun. Mimosa did it, then we did it for Li'l Martini, then he did it too.

So I have a soupçon more compassion for the horror that is these three, because they may not be as impaired as I'd believed. They may simply be having a good time with their own crazy selves, and that is somehow more palatable.

The rest of the Top 36 (the ones we saw, anyway) seem fine, particularly Stevie Wright (we love her!), Scott "Piano Man" MacIntyre, and Lil Rounds.

Hated the sing-offs, which were clearly just a gimmick (as evidenced by the Sing-Off of the Burly Men—if choosing both singers is an option, the whole thing becomes a farce). Simon was especially assy during the Pretty Jen/Funky Kristen death match, where Funky Kristen clearly outsang her opponent, yet Simon insisted on framing it as (1) Pretty Girl vs. Not Pretty Girl, and (2) Jealous Female Judges Who Can't See Past Pretty Jen's Pretty Face. This is nonsensical for two reasons:

1. Kristen is merely a bath, a good haircut, and a foundation garment away from being a Pretty Girl.
2. Watch your own show, insufferable git! You're allowed to pick both of them!

Whatever.

I wasn't home last night (sorry to miss your call, Miss Bru!), so I'll watch last night's show this afternoon and try to resist reading Brunie's post before then. (Oh, who am I kidding?) After that my goal is Timely Blogging, by jingo! Because, honestly, I take really crappy notes. (For example, I wrote this about Jamar, Dead-Wife-Danny's BFF: gotta lowse hart, croats Delilah, I'm nut fun thire is rot qood, even as Paula seys "nitre." Got that? Yeah, me either.)

Speaking of BFFs, I'm blowing a kiss to my own, Lady Darcy, who told me that "Pantone picked 'mimosa' as year's top color"! Color me so proud.

Lady Chardonnay OUT!

Not Unlike a Middle School Dance...

Remember your first dance in middle school? I desperately looked forward to mine and talked about it in the cafeteria at lunch every day for weeks with Chari Topol and Laura Greenburg. It was going to be the single greatest night of our lives! And in reality, the dance was pretty much just sitting and talking with Chari and Laura in the cafeteria at lunch, except we didn't have sandwiches, there was music and it was dark. And disappointing.

Maybe I wasn't looking forward to tonight's Idol as much as I looked forward to the dance, but it was the same kind of anti-climactic evening of boredom.

Yes, the show was kind of dull. There were a few good performances, but for the most part, I am looking forward to next week and the week after - ever the optimist!

And now - my opinions!

Jackie – irritating as a human… Wearing Sandy’s pants from Grease, Wilma Flinstones top and Arthur’s moon boots. Singing horribly - LITTLE LESS CONVERSATION. So glad that she has not a chance in hell. The judges inexplicably liked her. And to her credit, she did interact well with the judges. But frankly, but the time she was done with her parents she had kind of charmed me.

Ricky – kind of cute – tight jeans and a velvet coat and very unfortunate hair. His voice is nice, but this song bores the crap out of me – Leon Russel SONG FOR YOU maybe? No, his voice is wonderful. But I am reserving judgment until I see everyone else. I like having the parents in the room for their responses. Not Ricky’s, but the idea is cute.

I love I NEVER LOVED A MAN. Alexis sang well and looked great. I was not blown away at first, but she really brought it by the end. She does have something. Her dad looks like a hobbit.

Brent is from Blandchester! Where they make bland! He looks like a NASCAR driver! He works in a home goods store! He seems like a nice boy. And he has no charisma whatsoever. And his song stinks. So much so that I can’t even name it. (Okay, fine – it is IN A HICK TOWN. Bye, Brent. His wife looks about my age. Yikes…

Stevie! Dang, she was so nervous. She did not sound good. I like the song though – YOU BELONG WITH ME. Her voice sounded thin and young and not in a good way. Too bad, because I really liked her.

Awesome quote of the night - Simon – “America votes, but they listen to me.” HA!!

ANGEL OF MINE – what fresh hell is this? Anoop, you are supposed to be dancing around the stage and making me laugh when I think that you study barbeque. He has a nice voice, but this was dull as dishwater. Joe Mama (Wilbur’s AI viewing buddy) was horrified by his eyebrows. They are magnificent. And Simon has a point. I can’t stop smiling at him when the camera hits him.

And here is the point where my TiVo caught up with real time. I am going to go get some ice-cream and call Lady C!

Wow, Casey makes little slutty faces! She looks great (other than her unfortunate shoes) and her voice is fine. But wow, I dislike her more than anyone else so far. Even Brent and I can’t stand him at all. Her dad looks like Ryan Styles, though. But I don’t think that will help her.

Michael Sarver sings a song that I loathe – I DON’T WANNA BE. He has some cute little dance moves and his voice sounds good by the end. And more than anyone since Jackie he looks like he is having a good old time. And I love to see him sit next to Ryan because he makes him look like a tiny little doll!

Ann Marie said she was going to put her own spin on (YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A) NATURAL WOMAN but it sounded pretty much like it always does. She sounded good and she looked fantastic. But I don’t know if it was enough.

Steven wants to ROCK WITH me! I loved him, but the judges did not. I might just think that he is adorable, though.

Tatiana makes me want to chew glass. I know that Vote For the Worst is gunning for her to make it. The girl can really sing which makes me feel better about why the show kept her for so long. But that doesn’t discount the fact that she is unbelievably nuts. I liked her better tonight than I have before and I wanted to slap Kara when she said everyone wanted the crazy back. The hell we do!

Danny is in the pimp spot because he is our boy, dammit! And if he doesn’t get voted in than the show is going to sue America. And just to be on the safe side, he is singing HERO. (A girl song! But a pretty ambi-sexual one…) He does make it sound good by the end. But he needs to comb his hair. Kara and Paula both had um, episodes, when he finished. He then gathered some loaves and fishes and distributed them to the crowd. I agreed with Simon, they shouldn't canonize him for that performance.

So my prediction is Danny and Alexis or Jackie as the top boy and girl. Anoop or Michael will be the third. Unless Tatiana VFTWs her way in.

Two hours of my life I will never get back. I can’t wait for the results show, thought!

Brunie – OUT!

How Many Are Left?

And what proportion of them completely suck? Well, I guess I would go with one twelfth. Because, seriously, Norman Gentle? I have a huge tolerance for silly, stupid humor and I am not feeling him at all. And Tatiana, yes, she can sing, but she is 47 different varieties of crazy and watching her makes me want to hurt TiVo. Don't make me hurt TiVo!!! And finally, Nathaniel. I am glad they pimped up his prison-mom because that makes me feel like he is not just garden-variety teen-goth entitled. At least I know he has had some real issues that make him completely unprepared to live in the world as we know it. I am sure that being on a show where he will be judged by millions and found alarmingly wanting is just what his fragile ego needs. What, it's NOT opposit day? Crap...

Other than that, I liked how the show played out. Danny's best friend got the boot, not with Danny actually sitting beside him. Nice restraint, AI. Lots of beefy faced men and scrawny women got through. I was sad that Frankie didn't because the girl who sang-off with her frightened me! Alas, poor competetive Frankie. A couple of the single mom's got through. Thank you patient southern grandmas for the next few months of free childcare.

Stevie! She got through. I like her. And the Fozzie-bear haired guy who played keyboards and walked off stage. I like him too.

I don't know who the girl is that kept forgetting the words but that was brilliant to let her through. "You can't forget the words or you are out! Unless we like you and think we can market you and don't really care if you are dumb as a stump." Thus spake Simon. And what is with calling the big mouthed blond girl ugly? Simon practically said pretty is more important than talent. Sometimes I just don't know what to do with that man, other than feel morally superior. And then I remember I am watching American Idol.

I am not sure how it is going to play out in the next few weeks, but I am thrilled that they are going to start singing songs, which means that Lady Char, and Mrs. Cyn are going to be chewing bubblegum and kicking ass. And I hear they are all out of bubblegum!

Brunie - OUT!

A Rose is a Rose...

Riddle me this, why am I not at all sad to see Rose go when IDOL clearly wants me to be? And why do I kind of love Danny the widower who is clearly manipulating me with his cute little widower-ness and adorable best friend? I have this idea that his wife was kind of awesome and when she was dying she was probably like, "Honey, you are going to milk this dead wife angle for all you can - Idol loves that crap!"

I loved Hollywood week! Wilbur was saying last night, "It's so awesome this year - there's so much DRAMA!" Yes, indeed son. Welcome to American Idol...

I feel bad for the girl in the Divas in the canary colored dress because not only was she called out to be the stool pidgeon, but she also got cut when her singing was perfectly lovely! And Three Shrews and a Psycho all got through? Puh-leeze! That girl whose name has been blocked from my brain because she hurts me is INSANE! "You don't know what I have gone through to be bere!" You stood in line! Like everyone else... Oh - she is a piece of work.

And finally, the drama 3 at the end were weird! That crying boy is never going to make it into the top 36 because his nickname is THE CRYING BOY! He's not even the pierced crying boy. Just crying, now. The dumb blond might be funny. When she misunderstood Simon asking if they were going to be going out to dinner that night her response was downright Pickler-esque! I felt bad for the mean read-head. All she wanted to do was practice. And they made her the bad guy. But it appears that her people skills might have needed some work.

Can't wait for next week!

Brunie-OUT!

"It's Our Biggest Season Yet"

(Quoth R. Seacrest, February 2009, and what can he possibly mean?)

I love the group sings. LOVE them. And I'm not sure that a great argument can be made that they have anything to do with the rest of the competition (though High Lord Dave makes a good case), but I missed them desperately last year and loved the heck out 'em last night.

And the drama is predictably dramatic and delightful, but I would also like to see more of the groups who do well—what's their secret? How did they find one another, choose their song, work it out? For me, seeing a job done well under trying circumstances is also very entertaining, and it makes the final product, a polished performance, mean that much more.

I'd also like to see the round where good, solid performers (Son of Alan, say, or Deaf Grandma Girl) get cut, because otherwise it's too random and unsatisfying. Did they really screw up, or was it just one of those things?

We saw SO MUCH of some groups (I was over the Nathaniel-Kristen-Pink Hair drama after five minutes, and has there been a more annoying contestant than Giggling Self-Important Tatiana in recent memory? And aren't Bikini Girl's 15 minutes up yet?) and almost nothing of groups I was really curious about. Like: Why did a pro like Tattooed Rocking Emily screw up so bad? She sings with a band! She knows how to perform! Why did she make a last-minute song switch on Day 1, and drop her lyrics so badly on Day 2? What was going on there? (And again, I love her mom to death. Emily's going to be fine, but I still feel bad for her.) And I kept catching glimpses of Ann Marie, aka You Need More Make-Up Girl, and it looked like she got through, but did we see her perform? Did she bring the star quality Simon et al. were looking for? I really want to know.

Some earlier favorites were less charming on second viewing. Homeless Rose—such a whiner! (Mimosa: "Do you think Rose is really negative?") Lil Rounds continues to wow the judges, but I thought her song choice ("I-E-I-E-I Will Always Love You" ) was boneheaded, and she sounded nowhere near as great as I remembered. I still like her—but the pedestal, it is chipped.

Here was a nice surprise: the melting voice of Stephen Fowler! Where did he come from? Have we seen him before?

I continue to loathe Von Smith, the screaming dwarf. What do the judges see in him?

All in all, they've made some changes this year that I heartily approve of (more Hollywood, fewer auditions, less time spent on freaks); now if they'll just stop showing us clips of things we saw less than five minutes ago (do they really think that new viewers are tuning in every few minutes? Or do they honestly believe we are just that moronic?), I'll be a happy Lady.

The Idol moment that made me gasp out loud followed the splendid four-way of Dead Wife Danny, BFF Jamar, and two unnamed girls:

Simon: "Danny, please step forward."

[long stricken pause]

Simon: "Danny, you have made it to the next round."

[longer pause, visibly dripping with angst]

Simon: "And the other three, you're going with him."

Oh! the drama.

Lady Chardonnay OUT!

Simon Hates a Fat Girl

Not to be all whiny but Simon is really a snot about fat girls. When that over-peppy contest winner came in I saw him shut right down. He didn't want to even look at her. If a skinny pretty girl had had that voice they would have been on her like white on rice. I didn't care for her, but listening to her with my eyes closed she sounded like any other Mariah-wanna-be that they would choose. And before you leap in, Simon, and say, "Yes, but it is a television program - people don't want to have to listen with their eyes closed. Being attractive is part of it!" I have three words for you - Scott Freaking Savol! That being said, I found her annoying as can be - but Simon found her annoying before she even had a chance to get all the way into the room.

That was only a tiny slice of the hell that was this episode. I have really enjoyed the auditions this season so this was surprising to me. (It could be because I am sick, sick, sick.) The only two parts I enjoyed were both Simon-centric. The first was when he called the first contestent's boss to get her job back. And the other was when the horribly un-funny iPod guy was auditioning and Simon said, "Okay, I can't listen to this anymore. I really, really can't. It's just awful, it's everything I hate. Everything, I mean the whole act, is excruciatingly bad." And then the kid pulled a lion out of his pocket and Simon's synapses just turned into feral cats and he manages to choke out, "What relevance is you, standing there with a lion on your hand, to a singing competition?" And then the guy yells, "It's the circle of life!" And Simon dies. Okay, he just dies inside, but it helped make up for the fact that if I were ever in the same room with Simon I would be invisible to him or worse.

Cozying up in a big hot tub of self pity -
Brunie OUT!

"You can't judge people by the cover of the book"

So true, Not Goth Girl. Except that sometimes you can.

Well, last week we clearly had Obama Fever, but I'm back to a cool 98.6 now and ready to re-assume my blogging duties. As for my sister bloggers—still sleeping it off, I expect.

Not much to say about last week, except that I very much liked the object of our final sob story, Ms. Thuggish Ways and her mega-watt smile. And I seem to recall a fellow who resembled our David Cook, only younger and sleepier, and I liked him too.

All of it pales in the glow of Obama, though, and that's that.

Moving on!

On Tuesday, I thoroughly enjoyed Joshua, who sang (and played) "Let's Get It On." I'm so glad the judges got the joke and sent him through. He's fun. And I liked Anne Marie, the girl they sent out for more make-up (?? what was their problem with her?).

Other "winners" had less appeal, particularly 16-year-old Jasmine, who sings straight through her nose, and Miss Teen Latina Something, whose singing voice is surprisingly un-awful but is nonetheless as grating as all giddy-up.

Sharon (Girl with Dog) I found bemusing, as she sang the words of "Superstar" to a completely different tune.

And then there was George Ramirez, that stone-faced wonder: "Where do you see yourself in 10 years, George?" [pause] "In a simple house, with nice floors . . . . . . marble floors." How can you not love this guy? Oh, but then he sang, and it was all over. Bye, George. (Hold on to your dream, guy!)

And on to Salt Lake City, where much to my joy we're immediately greeted with an Osmond. And not just any Osmond, but THE SON OF ALAN, Alan being my personal favorite Osmond, next to Marie, who was my idol, "Paper Roses" was my first album, oh, how I adored Marie. But I digress.

Son of Alan is an adorable boy and sings adorably and I'm simply dying of all the adorableness, except for the sad non-adorableness of Alan, my former love. MS is a terrible disease and I hate it, and not only because of its adorableness-stripping nature. Son of Alan inspires an insightful comment from Paula, even! Son of Alan is magic.

Three girls perform, who are very different from one another and yet have similar "raggedy" tones to their voices: Frankie (like her a lot), Megan with the tattooed arm (she's not for all tastes and I actually hate her voice, but I like her and can see that she's talented), and Rose, tonight's sob story, who is cute as a button and talented to boot. I like all these girls, they're interesting.

So, one more night of auditions (curious, that—auditions on a Thursday? my viewing rhythm is all off kilter!) and then Hollywood, baby! Color me excited. And the doo-wop foursomes are back!! I cannot wait.

Lady Chardonnay OUT!

Welcome to Happy-ville!

Well, other than having missed the party of the decade yesterday, (the one at Mrs. Cyn's) and being sicker than Miss Shirley's dyspeptic goat, I am a-twitter with joy. Oh, no reason!

Of course I mean because of President Barack Obama! Certainly not because of Idol...

I am enjoying it, but no one is jumping out and making me squeal. Former record label was okay. Really pretty Bad Company boy was okay. Teen mom freaked me out with her Aretha Faking voice.

I do think Leneshe (the homeless girl) is as cute as a bug and can write a song! "I like your thuggish way..." hee! Wilbur rewound her sad face when Paula said no to her about 10 times. He is either in love or a sadist.

This is craziness, but soon we will be in Hollywood!

Brunie, OUT!

Our FOURTH Season

Okay - I may be slow in the posting and I may not remember much. But aside from the pity factor, the reason Lady Char and Mrs. Cyn keep me around is that I have the uncanny ability to look at our blog archives - conveniently located 2 inches to the right and 4 inches down from HERE* - to determine that we began writing in January of 2006. Math ladies, it is what seperates us from the millipedes.

I second the emotion on both Lil and Asa. I also adore the lanky graduate student studying barbeque. I liked the voice of widow-man, but I do hate the pimpin' of the dead wife. I like to think she is looking down from heaven and laughing her butt off at the emotional manipulation.

Creepiest of the season? Love-Songs-For-My-Mother (and Grandmother)-Boy. Oh how painful. I hate it when the show acts like this. I appreciated it that the judges tried to contain the ugliness when they realized how sad he truly was. Dang...

Put me on the Kara bandwagon. I really like her. She is funny and a nice fit. I read somewhere that she and Paula go way back. I like the new dynamic.

For some reason I am not finding these auditions as mean as usual. Let's see how long I keep my youthful idealism!

Brunie, OUT!


*Distances subject to change when other people write.

Two for Two!

Another perfectly okay round, give or take a few freaks. Standouts for me:

• Matt Wrightsy, big bald guy with the sweet voice. I love me a big bald guy who can sing.
• Sweet Jessica, who lives with very deaf Grandma. (It's wrong, so wrong, to laugh at the deaf elderly, but Grandma was a hoot.) I don't even care if Jessica can sing well (though she does), I love this girl and want her to go far. She reminded me of the bespectacled cutie who auditioned in her prom dress a few years ago. In fact, I'm pretending that Jessica is Prom Girl, all grown up. A happy ending! What an inspiration!!
• Anoop, who is simply adorable.
• Asa Barnes, Band director—when he first appeared on screen, Mimosa and I, in unison, went, "Mmmm." And he has the cutest daughter.

And possibly the best:

• Lil Rounds, mother of three—gorgeous voice and a class act to boot. This year's Melinda, I think, but with a more proportional head. I really really really like her.

I was most disturbed by Brian (chest hair, medallion, "operatic" voice)—not by his audition itself, though it was dreadful, but by the sweetly hopeful looks on the faces of who I assume are his parents. Have they . . . never heard their son sing? Has their love for their child truly made them that tone deaf and and that clueless? This upset me on so many levels. Thank God for strong drink.

I was underwhelmed by Von Smith (Fedora Guy who BELTED "Over the Rainbow," though we've had great fun imitating him ever since), but I did like the dorky little skipping he did afterward. Oh, yeah—he'll go far.

Today's Idol Tale of Inspiration belongs to poor Danny with the poor dead wife and the singing BFF Jamar: "an emotional story of strength and courage." So far, all the Inspirers have been decent singers who are "going to Hollywood, baby!" I wonder if that will always be the case. Would Idol simply toy with our heartstrings with no emotional payoff? Would it? Could it?

I'm sorry we didn't see more of the blonde with the funky glasses and the purple dress (who's also going to Hollywood)—I like her look.

And finally, the unexpected joy of the night—seeing sweet Jason Castro again! Sweet spacey Jason. And I like his brother fine. Michael Castro doesn't seem to have big brother's sleepy charisma, but there's something there. We'll see. (Li'l Martini adores him and has anointed him his new favorite.)

Very promising beginning, I must say!

And that is all from Lady Chardonnay.

Here we go again...

As we begin our 20th year of Idol, (I have no idea how long we've been doing this either, Lady C.) I would like to thank my two charming, witty, comic cohorts, Lady Chardonnay and Brunhildecrow, and of course, our dedicated readers. So, here we go again. As I have written, oh 19 times before, I do not like the audition part that much. Watching the mentally ill be criticized is not my idea of a good time. There seems to have been somewhat less humiliation on show #1 last night. I cannot believe that you have memorized anyone's name so soon, Lady C. I don't even try to commit anyone to memory until after Hollywood. However, one cannot forget bikini girl, of cute little butt, and passable imitation of Mariah singing Vision of Love. I feel confident that when she has to sing a song she does not already know, she will fall apart. You can tell the one-song wonders many times. They have practiced the one song forever, and can sing it well, but when taken out of their comfort zone, they implode. I do think that tattooed girl who will abandon her band is VERY good. I think she will not fall apart under pressure, and may go far. Beyond that, it is too soon to tell, but, I remain your humble criticizer of total strangers on parade,

Mrs. Cynicletary

Here You Come Again

Hello, gentle readers! It's me, Lady Chardonnay. Welcome to Idol Season Whatever (dedicated blogger that I am, you'd think I'd remember these things—but you'd be wrong). Much of it is same ol', same ol', but there are also some ch-ch-ch-changes in store, namely: (1) a new judge! More on Care-uh/Carr-uh below. (2) a shorter audition period! All good. (3) fewer freaks! more stories of inspiration! Yeah. A part-time freak show—again, all good. The feel-good self-congratulatory portion of Idol (hint: last night's inspirer rhymes with Shmott Shmacintire)—again, more below.

This year I took almost no notes on the sad, the bad, the ugly, the freaks. The sad touch my heart, and I'm choosing not to prolong the pain. The others have already taken enough of my life. So I'm taking my cue from Newly Inspiring Idol, and here is last night's Parade O' Talent!

• Emily Wynne Hughes, who sports numerous tattoos and hair-color shades, is blessed with a completely awesome mom, and has a lovely voice! I like Emily fine, but mostly I want to see more of Mom.
• J.B., sweet-singing Utah boy with very large eyebrows. He tears up, his dad tears up, it's all very sweet.
• Arianna, cute as a button (I'm writing that just as Kara's saying it—me and Kara [I'm holding up my crossed fingers now], we are LIKE THIS), sings a song I instantly loathe. Gah, these kids and their current modern music of today! What's wrong with a pretty melody, I ask you? Or any melody? And who moved my cane? ha ha
  
• Stevie Wright, my favorite of the whole show (ma semblable, ma souer Kara loved her too)—she has the voice, she has the personality, her smile lit up the whole room. And she's only 16! Okay, a la Jordin Sparks, am I looking forward to Randy reminding us that she's only 16 for the next five months? No. No I am not. But for my girl Stevie, I will endure. (Look! I'm another Idol Inspiration story!)
• Michael Server, the semi-hunky roughneck with the surprisingly sweet voice—he sings fine, again I hate the song, but the best comment came from my eight-year-old son, L'il Martini: "He's good and delicious!" Oh, I do love my little gay son.
• Bikini Girl, to the eternal disappointment of my spotless mind, didn't suck. Nonetheless, I loathe her. (I thought Kara's rendition was fabulous. Way to support your new co-worker, Simon! Ass.) She won't make it through Hollywood—once she puts on clothes, her perfectly average nice voice will be shown the door, and Kara and I will toast our joy.
  
• Cute bouncy Brianna is cute and bouncy and I like her, because I like the spirited girls, and I'm glad they're giving her a chance—I thought her voice was fine, and not nearly as marginal as they were making it out to be. She does need to chill, though.
• Deanna, nice country girl with no family present—again, a perfectly fine voice and a nice girl, and I have NO IDEA why they're so gaga over her. I would say that her average nice voice and Brianna's average nice voice and Loathesome Bikini Girl's average nice voice are all pretty much the same, but what do I know, I'm just here to blog. Anyway, Ryan's quite adorable with her, pretending to be all the missing members of her family, which I found very dear.
• Alex has a nice voice and an almost total inability to tell a joke, but I did like when he offered to sing "God Save the Queen" for Simon. I'm betting we'll never see him again, but I like Alex.
• And finally we come to the "audition to give you hope"—oh, shoot me now. I loved Anthony Federov, it's not his fault he had a tracheotomy and that Idol decided to pimp that for all time, but I don't want to sit through it again. And the object of the pimping, sweet Scott Macintyre, who is legally blind, seems like a perfectly nice boy and does indeed have a lovely voice (and an unfortunate resemblance to Steven Tobolowsky with a moptop—again, not his fault). I truly truly hope that Idol simmers down with this guy, but I wouldn't bet the farm.

I loved Elijah Scarlett (look at that name! how can you not love him?), he of the preternaturally deep voice, but it was not to be. (I didn't love his singing voice, I hasten to add—he reminded me of the fellow who sang "Go Down Moses" last year without moving his lips. Though, come to think of it, I loved that guy too.) And I didn't hate the pink cowgirl, Lea Marie, mostly because I knew she didn't have a shot and I found her harmless—and when she rolled her stomach for the camera (which was . . . an odd choice), my 11-year-old daughter, Mimosa, remarked, "She can do that thing that Grandpa can do!" Too funny.

So, the judges chose correctly, I think—the bad went home, the good went to Hollywood. I am inspired.

And I like our new judge Kara! She's smart and direct but not overtly mean—and she'll be a more effective foil for Simon than Paula is. (Though I'm worried about her tendency to look like she's sneering when her face is still. I mentioned this to Mimosa who said, very sagely, "Maybe she's had the Botox." Maybe, indeed.)

We're off!

I would pay big money to see this. Of course I would love to see McCain and the other guy dance, too.

[KIDDING!!! Everyone knows Biden can't dance...]

I have a confession to make.

First opining, then confessing:

On April 11th I wrote, "It is also certain that a guy named David will win this year." But I must admit that I did think it would be David A. I am very very surprised that the more mature, subtle, sexually real man won. As Lady C. indicated, maybe tweenyboppers do not rule the idol world. How 'bout that?

OK, and now for my confession. I have not voted even once this whole season of American Idol. Not once. And everything turned out exactly like I wanted. I don't know what it means, but I feel better getting that off my chest.

Tonight starts my very favo fave show, So you think you can dance dance dance dance! w00t!

Love & Kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

Baby What a Big Surprise

Well, color my world with love! I did NOT see that coming. My faith in the pixielike tween girls with feverishly dialing computer programs was boundless—I've never seen them, but still I believed, I believed! Maybe they aren't real. Maybe, like me, the Cookie lovers stepped up their game and actually voted on Tuesday, something that I for one have scarcely been moved to do all season (see "pixies," above). Who knows?

But for once, someone I've loved from the beginning actually made it through (I have a BAD habit of falling in love with early boots—Amy Adams and Mandisa come to mind)—and, to my and Mrs. Cynicletary's shock, the Idol is a person of "authentic sexuality," arguably a first!

This was my initial impression of David Cook, on January 30:

I liked Rocker David, with his quiet confidence ("I think my voice will get me through, but I may not be what they're looking for"—what a cutie! Daughtry 08?).

. . . and I think we're all admiring my smartness now, yes? Quiet confidence (other people have called this "smugness," but I respectfully disagree) and a determination to always be himself, to mold the show to his style rather than the other way around. That is David Cook, the best musician, I believe, that Idol has ever chosen. Good on you, America.

Lady Chardonnay, happy, proud, and OUT.

America's Next Top David

(or, The Idol We Deserve)

Man, that was a weird show! Or, I should say, a weird two shows, at the very least, because I clearly saw two different things going on. And then there was that whole other show that the judges saw, where David A. cured cancer and hung the moon, but that is another story and far beyond my limited powers of analysis, and blogging.

Show 1: David A., whom forevermore I shall call Tickle Me David (thanks to my smarty colleague, Miss WordPerfect), competed for the American Idol Championship. He brought his A game, did exactly what he needed to do, did not veer from his packaged formula one iota, sang the song we all wanted to hear again ("Imagine"), and will likely take home the title tonight, in a blaze of tears, Clearasil, and hormones.

Show 2: David C. performed, competently as ever, for another episode of American Idol. He did not seem to understand that this was THE CHAMPIONSHIP. The fighting analogies . . . puzzled him. He good-naturedly hugged his opponent and gave him head noogies. And he chose, as his final sing-out, a song we've never heard him sing, rather than "Billie Jean," the song we clamored for.

One has to wonder—does David C. actually want the title? He didn't perform badly, after all—but he also didn't sing for his life, as Tickle-Me did. Did Shoeless Joe really throw the game? Will we ever know for sure?

My excellent boss has believed that the whole thing's fixed, ever since Jason Castro flubbed the one line everyone can sing of "Mr. Tambourine Man" and didn't even seem rattled by it. I didn't think so then (little seems to rattle mellow Mr. Castro), but now I truly wonder.

Random thoughts:

• After Tickle-Me sang "Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me," Li'l Martini remarked, "I despise him, but this is a good song." Mimosa: "That's not even a sun behind him, it's a star."

• Every time they show Tickle Me Senior in the audience, I think, "Wow, Danny Bonaduce's here!" Separated at birth, those two.

• Idol should borrow a page from Survivor and do The Walk of the Fallen Idols. I would love to hear Tickle-Me's heartfelt tribute to Amanda Overmeyer. Or David C. having to wax rhapsodic over Kristy Lee Cook.

Miss WordPerfect says that she can't bear to watch two solid hours of Tickle-Me tonight, but if we go by past finales we'll see the Idolettes for maybe 15 minutes. She has other reasons to fear the finale, of course, but that ain't one of 'em.

I predict a blowout for Tickle Me David, though I did my duty and phoned it in for David C. as long as my redial held out. Hey, he phoned it in for me, it's the least I could do.

Lady Chardonnay, chilling the bottles in preparation for tonight, and OUT.

Cookie vs. Archie in the Warmest Fuzziest Hug-fest of the Year!

Wow, they really pumped this as a head to head battle. Simon said, "You must hate your competitor." No, not so much... They practically spooned each other on stage. Such nice boys, really!

First Round:
Clive "Walking Cadaver" Davis chose I STILL HAVEN'T FOUND WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR which I though - "Wow, something from this generation!" and then I remembered that I actually heard it played at a funeral in 1989 - nearly 20 years ago. I guess "current" is a relative term. Cookie sounded great and I started to like him.

L'il Davy had to sing DON'T LET THE SUN GO DOWN ON ME which is basically a song that sings itself. It is completely awesome. And he did sound great and looked so gobsmacked when they complimented him that I started to like him too.

Second Round:
The less said about the wretched songs the better. Instead of commenting on the performances, which were both better than they should have been given the quality of the songs or the songs themselves (which sounded like DC's Disney Movie song-that-plays-over-the-credits and a high school talent show winner) I will post the lyrics to next year's wining song. (Fingers crossed!)


"I Believe in the Angel of Inspiration Now" (The Windows of My Love)

When I am feeling desperation,
I look to the sky
I see the angel of inspiration
Flying by...

When I need help
In a timely fashion
She gives a yelp
And tries to crash in...

The windows of my love.
The windows of my love.
Ooooooh
The windows of my love

When I need her aid
so quickly,
All my hopes are flayed
So sickly

She comes to me
She comes right now.
I love her so,
Oh yeah, oh wow...

The windows of my love.
The windows of my love.
Ooooooh
The windows of my love

(Repeat chorus 428 times and yodel like Mariah Carey's dyspeptic cat)
Thanks to TRISH for the title!

ROUND #:
David Cook (yes, I will use their real names this one time...) sang a song that I vaguely know and started to cry a little at the end! IT WAS AWESOME! I loved him. Not the song but the Paula-pleasing emotionality. Simon bitched him out for doing something he hadn't done before which sort of illustrated all that is wrong with this show.

David Archuletta sang IMAGINE (again...) and sounded great (again...) and all the judges had a spontaneous orgasm. It was gross to watch, frankly. If I were slightly more jaded I might think that Simon knows everyone's numbers and therefore knows who will win and wants to look like he knew it all along. Of course, it could just be that in the theater DA sounds significantly better than DC. But really it seems like DC is the more original and exciting singer.

But what do I know?

Brunie, OUT!

Bye Bye Sye...

So Mrs. C (and just about everyone else who has voiced a prediction about this week's results) was right and Syesha went home. She seemed not at all surprised.

The thing that kind of freaked me out was that they told L'il Davy he was saved before Cookie. Does this mean that he had more votes? Is there a possibility that L'il Davy could actually win this thing in spite of the fact that he has a voice and no presence at all and Cookie is actually somewhat charismatic? The mind boggles.

Entertainment Weekly had an article this week about ways that AI could change up to become interesting again and the one that most appealed to me was that they could announce the number of votes that each contestant received. I would love to know how the numbers break down each week. I know that there are sites that tell you this, but it seems to me that I heard that they are not always reliable. Or maybe I am just too lazy to go look and prefer to have "The Producers" tell me. Have you noticed how ominous "The Producers" sounds? Like "The Creators" or "The Creatures" or "The Overlords". At least they didn't make us look at the dessicated corpse of Clive Davis this year. (I almost typed Clive Owen - oh that it should never come to pass!)

Anyway, I am not even going to go into details on the performances Tuesday night because I am sure you all slept through it just like I did. They all sounded good, blah blah blah. The funniest thing all night was when Ryan asked Syesha why she wanted a chair and Mrs. Mama, my AI viewing buddy, quipped, "Because they wouldn't give her a pole." Bwahaha... Our little Syesha sure has been dancing close to the Haley Scarnato ledge. Luckily, she can sing and isn't just incredible good looking. And it is nice to have someone to even out the lack of cute in our front runners.

Seriously, look at L'il Davy and Cookie and they are a somewhat homely pair. Really pre-teen girls - wipe the hormones from your eyes and take a good long stare. That's right, not that cute...

Finally the visits home - this could be my favorite part of the whole season. I LOVE when the contestants go to their hometowns and weep like toddlers. It makes me like them so much because no matter how mildly arrogant (David Cook) or fake (Syesha) or downright irritating (Davy) they are to me at this point in the show, there is so little artifice when they go back to their homes. It humanizes them.

And the upside for me is that I actually care a little bit about what happens next week. It seems like Cook should be the clear choice, but I do remember that male AI winners usually land with a thunk and am kind of hoping for a L'il Davy upset.

Brunie, OUT!

Nap time for the kids

Is it me or did everyone seem a little tired last night? God knows these kids have been on a wild roller coaster ride of thrills, trills and kills lately, and with the big trip to their home towns this week, I think they are exhausted, and it showed in their singing.

If I've said it once, I've said it 100 times - David A. has a great voice. He can sing anything - even a Chris Brown song - almost. He messed up the lyric a little and seemed rushed and uncomfortable with that, his most current song. I'll bet his Dad, recently of the "add a quick line from the Beautiful Girls song" during Stand By Me last week, encouraged him to sing it. Methinks Dad scours the pop charts looking for ways to make David a teen sensation.

Since singing Proud Mary, Syesha has found her hotness. Or her stylist has, at least. She looked fantastic last night, and sang about as well as she can. You could tell that she really disliked that last song - Hit Me Up or whatever it was - she did not look like she was having fun, although she did look cute and tiny in those very tight jeans. She's a Broadway-bound baby, and will find much success, even if she goes home tonight. Which she will.

David C. sounded good too, although, again, tired. On The First Time Ever...he sounded just lovely, soft and yet not wimpy. With his songs, the edit to 90 seconds really hurt. Although I detest that Don't Want to Miss a Thing, Aerosmith song, and the fact that it was shortened was OK with me. Damn, of all the great Aerosmith songs, the Producers chose that one? Ick. I especially hate the lyric, "Cause I'd miss you Babe and I don't want to miss a thing." You just can't sing the word"miss" twice within eight words of each other. Was there no alternative - "Cause I love you Babe, and I don't want to miss a thing, "Cause I want you Babe, need you Babe, crave you, Babe- I mean insert almost any one syllable word and don't repeat 'MISS"!!

Overall, I recommend a day off with complete bedrest for the kids - except Syesha because she will get plenty of rest when she leaves the show. Tonight.

Love & kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

Rock and Roll Hall of Flaming Talent

(Just kidding...)

There were some surprises tonight and I am writing as I watch so I am not even aware of all of them yet. There is also some tremendous pimpin' - quelle suprise...

First off was Cookie - he was HUNGRY LIKE THE WOLF. I had just had a big meal and wasn't all that interested. Also, one of the top 500 most influential songs? Really??

Syesha did PROUD MARY proud. She shook it up in a not too slutty way and had a lot of fun. I thought she sounded great and looked great. I loved it.

Oh my... Jason Castro committed a heinous act of cultural decimation by attempting Bob Marley's I SHOT THE SHERIFF. It was bad. Which was too bad because he was excited about singing a song he loved. But it was just lame. He looked cute, but TPTB were very willing to let
him shoot himself in the foot. (But not the deputy.)

L'il Davy did a stellar job with STAND BY ME and finally earned the strokes that Randy seems unable to stop giving him. It was a great song for him and he mixed it up a little with BEAUTIFUL GIRLS for just a few seconds. It was a good job and my favorite LD performance since IMAGINE.

And speaking of surprises - BABA O'RILEY??? On AI??? The Who's most often miss-named song (admit it Lady C, you thought it was called TEENAGE WASTELAND, didn't you?) in a horrible arrangement. The arrangement blew hard, but this boy really can sing. I really loathed that that song was on here, but he really has a fantastic voice. When he jumped up an octave, I sat up in my seat. Very impressive.

(I am just going to take the time to say that Ryan's hair looks bizarre. He looks like Bob's Big Boy)

Syesha looked amazing (Apparently I am channeling Paula, but the girl is beautiful...) She sang A CHANGE IS GOING TO COME and sounded amazing. I love that song and she really did it justice. Now she just broke down - it seemed like when Paula complimented her. I don't know if it was the performance of a lifetime (the tears, I mean) or if she really meant it, but I like to think the latter. Ryan, Paula and Simon gave Randy all kinds of crap about making her cry (he didn't like it) but I think it was the emotions of the song getting to her. Good TV, that's for sure.

Jason did better with MR. TAMBOURINE MAN, but he did botch the lyrics and will be almost certainly going home tomorrow night. He is outclassed as a singer by the other three and he knows it. I doubt there will be tears tomorrow night when we say goodbye to him. And Simon was nice enough to advise him to get an early start on his packing.

And who is that singing LOVE ME TENDER? Why it is sultry L'il Davy! It is a "romantic love song". I have to say that he is hell of a singer and did a nice job with this. And of course 12 year old girls all over the country are dropping $4.95 for next months Teen Beat magazine with him on the cover. He is crazy strange looking when he sings, but it sounds so sweet! I am extremely uncomfortable the Randy said he "was so tender and caressed each word". He really did a great job tonight.

My pix for the night:

Love Me Tender - just as soon as I get through puberty.
A Change is Gonna Come - and has already come.
Proud Mary - and Proud Syesha, too.
Stand By Me - but don't touch me because I am 11.
Baba O'Riley - or slightly older than teenage wasteland.
Hungry Like the Wolf - hungry for victory!
I Shot the Sherrif - and should have just turned my weapon on myself.
Mr. Whatever Guy - in the jingle-doodle - blah-blah I'll do whatever.

Brunie, OUT!

Neil Diamond, I Cried...

Wow, that was a train wreck!

Randy, can you pimp Little Davy a little harder please?
Paula, WTF?
Simon, actually you kind of saved it.

And the contestants:
Jason, dull as dirt although the BLUE JEANS song was less horrible than the other.

Big Dave, choosing two songs I have never heard is a double-edged sword. On the one hand they sounded good and I didn't hear Neil Diamond (who I kind of liked as a person, but can't stand as a singer) singing along. However, they were still written by Neil Diamond. So blah...

Brooke, sweet jumpin' Jehoshaphat that first song was crap. It was her worst ever. Worse than HERE COMES THE SUN. I have never been a BELIEVER of that song, but it sucked hard. I did like her version of I AM I SAID even thought she should have kept New York and 86-ed the stupid "not even the chair" line that has always made me enraged with its stupidity. I really liked when her voice broke, I like it when she means it.

Little Davy must just stop. He makes me crazy with his lip licking and his gasping and his closed eyes and he animatronic facial expressions. SWEET CAROLINE and COMING TO AMERICA are both crimes against humanity for which Diamond will someday need to answer and now LD is guilty by association. He makes me deeply uneasy. And I hate the way Randy talks him up. He is a good technical singer, I suppose, but he screws up the words and is loathsome.

Which brings us to Syesha. She is the second best one in the competition right now all around. Both her performances kicked total butt last night. If she stays this good TPTB are going to have to give up their beloved David vs. David finale.

And here is where it lies Brunie-wise:

Best in show: David C.
Best performer: Syesha
Most inexplicably attractive: Jason
Most earnest: Brooke
Most irritating: L'il Davy (that's right, I have taken away some of his letters. So there...)

Brunie, OUT!

America the Befuddled

THAT was shite. I hate hate hate when the voting clearly reflects the size of the fan base rather than the actual performances. I love Brooke and Jason and I'm happy they're still here—but "happy" in the way that I'm happy to have doughnuts for dinner: It goes down a treat (I'm being Carly now, don't I sound wicked Irish? You'll have to take my flaming red hair and Gaelic bosoms on faith), but I know it isn't right.

Oh, well.

Moving on: Unlike my sour sister bloggers, cheese is my favorite food, I love the Up with People numbers, and Neil Diamond = all kinds of happy for me, so yay! If Man David sings "Girl You'll Be a Woman Soon," my Joy of Idol may hit nirvana and top out—and then what will be left of me? Stay tuned . . .

Lady C OUT!

Good news, bad news.

The good news is that Carly is gone. Good-bye Carly. I never connected with you, but that paisley mini-dress you wore kicked ass!
The bad news - Neil Diamond next week!!! GAK - are you kidding? ALW and then Neil Diamond? Is this show trying to garner the one step from the grave (literally or musically) audience?!
I'm in for another week of torture. Boo.
Love & kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

There are singers and then there are vocalists.

OK, no big surprise - I LOATHE Andrew Load of Crap Weaver. However, his full-of-big-old-fashioned-melody songs, makes it clear who is a singer and who is a vocalist.
Vocalists:
Brooke - Oh, dear Honey - that was torture - not as bad as say, waterboarding, but yeesh! Buh-bye.
Jason (Donovan , Jr.)- I really like this kid, but he is a vocalist, not a singer. (Could I hate that Memories song more? Answer - no)
Singers:
David A - The boy can sing anything. His styling was MUCH better this week too.
Carly - I still don't like her, but she can sing.
David Cook - Now I would have thought that he would be more of a vocalist, but he proved himself a real singer. He just sang the song, and did a damn respectable job of it too.

So last night was not bad enough, tonight we have to hear ALW do something on stage - gerk! Will he wear a jacket and tie or continue to look like some ghastly local politician trying not to appear too rich?

Love & kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

To Sir Andrew With Love

So Brunie and I spent the day together, which was lovely and stimulating (hee! that was a secret joke for Brunie) and involved almost no alcohol! And we talked of many things, but not of Idol, not even once . . . which confirms for me that this season is, frankly, a bit dull. TPTB cannot seem to recreate the charisma of Season 5—and even though Taylor is one of my least favorite Idols (my true unfavorite, as we all know, rhymes with "aphasia"), the combo of him and Katharine and Chris and Elliot and Paris and Ace and even freakin' Kellie Pickler was some kind of crazy funky Gestalt, the likes of which we won't see again any time soon, apparently. And it wasn't even that they were the Best. Singers. Ever!! (even though they were good)—the kids this season are perfectly talented as well. But I really want to fast-forward Season 7 to the ending we all know is coming, David v. David, mano a mano, and have that sweet sweaty TV showdown: Tiny Earnest Crooner vs. Gritty Smoldering Rocker. That will be some good watching.

As for tonight—I like Andrew Lloyd Webber's stuff okay, Mr. Lady Chardonnay and I danced to "All I Ask of You" at our wedding, and Brunie and I had a swell time at a local production of "Superstar" (until the fog machines during the crucifixion set off the smoke alarms and we had to vacate the premises—fortunately, she called the theatre to find out how the story ends, so we weren't left hanging, because, that ending? Kind of a downer), but I'd rather chew off a limb than sit through "Cats" or "Joseph." The one ALW show I can wholeheartedly embrace is "Evita," which I've seen dozens of times. And did the Idolettes oblige me by singing any of those awesome songs? No. They did not. Brooke sang the crap song written for the MADONNA movie, for pity's sake, instead of "Another Suitcase in Another Hall," which would've let her emote like crazy, if that's what she wanted to do. Of course, it's sung by, basically, a teen hooker, and maybe that would be too much for our no-R-rated-movie girl. Oh, Brooke.

My 30-second take: Syesha looked and sounded fantastic; Jason looked sickly and sounded, as Brunie said, like a stone-passer; Brooke looked emotional and sounded very bad on the low notes; Arch looked dorky and sounded sweetly earnest; Carly looked like she was having a blast and sang a different chorus from the back-up singers, which I found odd; Man David looked sexy and hot and sounded sexy and hot and communicated his total devotion to me with his eyes. THAT is a skill, my friends.

I'll miss Brooke, but she seems to have lost her confidence. Actually, I've been missing Brooke for weeks, "Let It Be" was a long time ago. Can it be that it was all so simple then? Or has time rewritten every line? Maybe Andrew Lloyd Webber will write a ballad about it all—"The Muzak of the Night." Fingers crossed!

Lady Chardonnay OUT!

The Night I Die A Thousand Deaths...

Wow, there are few things that instill fear in my heart like "The Music of Andrew Lloyd Weber". I am trying to think of anything this man has written that I like. I suppose the "Always thought that I'd be an apostle..." song from Superstar. That is about it. Maybe "Can You Feel the Love Tonight?" as sung by a high school choir. Other than that, blech...

And I imagine my pain is infinitesimal compared to Mrs. C's!

Lady C, however (With whom I was lucky enough to spend nearly the whole day!) is in heaven, I imagine. Could be wrong I suppose.

So back to the carnage:

Syesha slammed it out of the park with ONE ROCK AND ROLL TOO MANY. She was cute and funny and lively. They loved her and so did I. I agree that it was one of her best.

Jason inexplicably sang MEMORIES and made me sad because I hate to see him go. He was pained and a little terrified looking like his parents just found his stash and he is trying to pass a kidney stone. He is certainly bottom three...

Brooke sang YOU MUST LOVE ME and had to start over because she lost the words. Even Paula couldn't think of anything to say. It was harsh. She was scared and thinks she is going home. I can't disagree.

Little Davy sang THINK OF ME which, which as everyone knows, is a girl song! His testicles dropped right off and bounced across the stage and Rickey Minor accidentally squished one with his pointy toed boots.

Carley was shockingly my second favorite of the night with JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR. She was having some fun and sounded great.

Big Dave sang THE MUSIC OF THE NIGHT and you just know that he was reliving the time he almost got to play Will Parker in the Blue Springs High School presentation of Oklahoma! And then he nearly got to play Hugo in Bye Bye Birdie and then they did Pirates of Penzance and he was so excited because it was his senior year and he knew he was perfect for Frederic, but he also loved the part of the Pirate king and even the Major-General has that great song! But then he got mono and had to miss the auditions and he was so mad. He didn't even do stage crew and everyone said how unfair it was and what a rip-off it was. Well tonight he showed them all! He emoted and sounded fine. Wilbur picked up his book about three beats into the song. And I opened my lap top. It was that gripping.

Tonight I vote for no one, and tomorrow if Syesha goes home I will be ticked off because she really did do well. But I think it will be Brooke or Jason.

Brunie, OUT!

Surprised Already...

I really thought it would be Brooke! When they had Syesha sit back down I thought "Surely they are tricking me into thinking that Kristy Lee is going home..."

I am not surprised or displeased. But she has gotten better lately and Brooke was pretty weak last night.

I knew Little Davy wouldn't pick the group that was going/staying he just sat his deliberate little fanny on the stage. Cheeky monkey! I have no feelings for him. I think he is a cylon. And how funny that big Dave felt no compunction about sashaying over and sitting right next to him safe in the knowledge that he is not going home.

In other news - check out my little man. He was in my happy meal and for the first time in years, my happy meal toy made me happy. Even though it was probably fashioned by Chinese political prisoners, it is too awesome. See how he reclines atop his cushioney bun while the drink boy screams in anguish behind him? Dinner is fun again! He also played a little tune, but Mr. Crow threw him down the stairs and struck him mute. Thanks, Mr. Crow!

Brunie, OUT!

Carey-ed away

My, my but all the A-list celebrities have embraced Idol - even Mariah! She is a vocal genius, but there's just something about her that is so irritating. The kids were super-psyched to meet her though, and she is a BIG BIG star. So, let's recap, shall we?

David A: I do not know the song he sang, but it's undeniable that the kid has superb vocal control, and the ability to really connect with the audience. He continues to impress, although he looked somehow terrified last night, and the leather pants, well, the less I say about leather pants the better. I will say that like Mariah, David is a natural born singer.

Carly: I listened to Carly without looking at her last night, and , well, it didn't help. She still does absolutely nothing for me.

Syesha: Her low notes were beautiful, but most of her singing is, like I have said before, nice, not standout, not memorable, just nice.

Brooke - Ouch - she was super pitchy last night which is too bad because it was the first time that she put some power behind her vocals, which sounded pretty good. She is just not a fancy vocal run kinda gal.

Kristy Lee - Well, I must admit that she has really improved, but that is because we have such low expectations that when she isn't horrid, she seems good.

David C. - Love that song and love his interpretation. And that last note - ROCKIN'!!!! I want to hear that song again! I remember when Simon told him months ago that he would just disappear on stage without his guitar. Although Simon is almost always right, in this case, not.

Jason - Another good arrangement, and I really like him. I think I dreamed about Jason, the details of which are...NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!!

I can only hope that one of the girls goes tonight. Any girl, doesn't matter.

Love & kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

The expected unexpected

It seems that each year there is an Idol departure which shocks everyone, like Chris Daughtry's premature boot last year. So here is this year's shocker - Michael Johns dreaming on elsewhere. I thought Michael would be third in this competition. It is certainly a travesty that Kristy, Carly and Sayisha, in that order, are still in it. It is also certain that a guy named David will win this year.
Good luck, Michael. 8th is not as good a finishing place as fourth (that's the money spot it seems) but chin up. Millions of people know you, and just remember, you are as good a singer and a much better looking guy than Elliot Yamin and look at that giant monster hit he had last year that they played on VH1 constantly! It'll be all right.

In better news, did you see the opening number on charity night, with the excellent dancers - those are the kids from my FAVEE FAVE show, So, you think you can dance! Did you see the three guys doing endless perfectly controlled pirouettes? Man, you can fake singing, but you can't fake real dancing!

Love & kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

Bye Mikey...

So pretty, and yet so gone. If he had sounded as good on Tuesday as he did on his sing out (and perhaps showed his tushie as much) he would not be going to Brooke White's sister's wedding this weekend! (And my favorite part of the episode was when Brooke said she wouldn't be able to attend the wedding and then chided herself for being presumptuous. Too cute!)

I barely watched this show. After my coma of boredom on Tuesday that I could barely recover from enough to go to work, much less to write about the snooze-fest that was Idol, I am lucky I took in as much as I did.

I liked seeing Jordan Sparks again.

I was surprised that it was Michael going home but he took it like a trouper and even though he was really growing on me, there was no one I would rather see leave. Other than Kristy Lee. Or David A. Or Carley. So yeah, not my favorite going away ever.

Brunie, OUT!