What is that whisper on the wind?

I can feel it coming!
I need to email Mrs. Cyn and Lady Char and let them know that I can feel it on the air.
A few weeks of embarrassment of the "I can't believe I am watching this crap" variety and
then the wonderful week in LA
followed by the top 24 - my favorite part! -
finally its narrowed down to 12 and the countdown to me not caring anymore.
Maybe this will be the year that I make it all the way to the end of the season before losing my will to watch.
Dare to dream!

Brunie

America's Next Top Idol! or, Lady Chardonnay Blogs the Finales

I must shamefacedly admit that only this week did Mimosa and I actually watch the Idol finale. (Um, we're busy?) We're very excited that Jordin won—the first year EVER that I've actually voted for the winner! (I didn't watch Kelly/Justin, and I've picked wrong ever since—ding, dong, the streak is dead! Maybe.)

But now we've seen it, and what a spectacle it was. Though I also have some thoughts about all the season-enders I watched. It's sunny, let's share!

I liked how the finale opened, Blake and Jordin and "I Saw Her Standing There" and their sweet little kiss at the end. So cute! Mimosa's comment: "I saw them kiss in her dressing room." Ooh! Le scandale!

You know what I didn't like? The 24 finale. Lame season, desperately lame final two hours. What a disappointing use of James Cromwell, whom I love. And where was the big reveal, i.e., that Jack is the father of that cute little blond boy, rather than Baldy? Very disappointing. And I could not give a rat's patootie about that cold fish Audrey Raines; I so hope we're done with her (though I love William Devane; I'm fine with his character hanging around. I enjoy an actor having fun onstage, and Mr. Devane always brings a party). Wifey, Nina, Audrey, what a dull group of ladyfriends Jack's had. I liked the redhead he was shacked up with a few seasons back, though she's a football coach's wife in Texas now, I'm holding no hope of seeing her again. Next season, I am definitely playing the "Dammit, Chloe!" drinking game!

Back to Idol. Mimosa and I fast-forwarded through Gwen Stefani, forgive us. Then we got all giddy when we realized that Ryan was introducing Kelly, and I misted up, thinking about her journey—she's come a long way, baby. And what a hot outfit! Mimosa: "Those boots are not good for P.E." True, that.

We fast-forwarded through the flippin' Golden Idols, aka, Parade o' Freaks. Insulting. Demeaning. Time-wasting. Bring on the Idolettes, for pity's sake! Enough with the nonsense!

I also don’t care whether CSI's Sara is dead or not, as I am squarely in the "Grissom Belongs with Lady Heather" camp. However, I'm even more squarely in the "Let's See More of Scantily Clad Warrick and Catherine" camp. My friend Diva V-luscious says she can't get into Warrick and Catherine, they're too gorgeous; it's like watching the Prom King and Queen frolic, yawn. She likes Grissom and Sara because they're more lumpy and normal-looking. Which I think is a good point, except for the part where I totally disagree, I can't get enough of Warrick. As I may have mentioned, only the dust on my TV screen keeps me from jumping up and kissing his likeness. My best friend Lady Darcy actually made me a Gary Dourdan Christmas ornament, and I believe I'm the only Lady in the world to boast such a thing. Well, except Gary Dourdan's mother, maybe.

And Idol again. FINALLY, we see someone more than tangentially connected to this year's show: The Boys Are Back in Town! And . . . dear Chris Sligh seems to have found all the weight he lost. Too bad. Phil still sounds great to me, I'm absurdly pleased to see "Sanjaya!," and Brandon—woo! How he wants me! Simmer, Brandon. Then Smokey, and oh my goodness, how I love Smokey, even more when I don't actually look at him, because his alien underwater eyes are now just a bit scary.

We fast-forwarded through Blake doing whatever he was doing. Me and Mimosa, we're not so much fans of the current modern songs of today. This is why we watch Idol, for heaven's sake.

Something else I watch: Lost. And by jingo, was that a crackin' good finale or what? And we must wait YEARS for the next installment! Bye-bye, little hobbit—as my friend Young Henry said re: the death of Gary in thirtysomething, "I got to have all the excitement of a main character dying, without the sadness of actually liking that character." Sorry, Charlie. And who's in the casket? Can it be Sawyer? (Who else would Jack emphatically describe as "not a friend"?) But then who is Kate scurrying home to? Oh! Such excitement awaits! (years from now)

Back to Idol, and our female Idolettes. Finally! Mimosa was so excited about seeing Stephanie (her first favorite) again. And now, three hours into this interminable show, there's Stephanie, looking adorable and soloing for nine seconds. All right! And how cute is my Gina, even in that sack dress? And . . . goodness, it's Hayley Scarnato and her wonder crotch. Wow. I had actually forgotten her. Gladys Knight = all kinds of awesome, and I loved how awed and humbled Melinda looked, this time in the proper context.

A whole lot of nonsense followed (though I did like Simon crossing his fingers when he and Ryan were up for an award, though we fast-forwarded through the rest of it—so sad! so desperately sad!)—Sanjaya, crying girl, Joe Perry's chest hair ("What do you think of all this, Mimosa?" Mimosa: "I don’t . . . know"), and just about now it really hits me: What in the holy heck is going on? This show is supposed to be about (1) the winner, and (2) the other contestants we fell in love with this year, also the boy contestants. (Ha! I kid.) Why are we watching Green Day? Why are we singing Beatles songs, since (spoiler!) Paul McCartney does NOT make like Prince, even though I began to get my hopes up? Bette flippin' Midler? I DO NOT GET WHAT THEY ARE DOING. Why have we seen the Idolettes for barely five minutes? What is going on?

Almost as shockingly confusing was the Heroes finale—holy cow, are both brothers dead? I looooooved them! And that's huge—after playing whiny pretentious Jess, I never thought I'd like Milo Ventimiglia in anything. But the essential sweetness of Peter won me over. And Nathan—steely cold perfection. The show will miss them both.

Back to Idol. Okay, I am no Taylor fan, but I thought he looked good, way less spastic than before, and he sounded fine. Mimosa and Li'l Martini (joining us briefly) were less impressed. Mimosa: "He sounds okay." Li'l Martini: "A little dumb." Okay, and then Taylor began to spazz out, because he's Taylor, and no one should write another word about how weird Phil looks, because Taylor is now the definition of weird-looking, all buggy eyes and contorted features. He sounds great, but he is a freaky-lookin' freak.

And now it's more Beatles stuff, as Sgt. Pepper teaches the band to play and Kelly Clarkson . . . does a sort of jig, I don't know what else to call it. Mimosa: "I thought Kelly Clarkson was soft rock. This is . . . rock. Just rock." I am very excited to see the four previous Idols, and no I do not miss that grinning clown Fantasia, not a wee little bit. Taylor sounds great again (Mimosa: "Now THIS is hot. It's slow, but it's hot."). The Ruben-Jordin duet is sublime. Just loved every bit of this.

And something else I loved every single bit of: the Gilmore Girls finale, which was perfection on a plate. Only if Lauren Graham stepped out of my TV to give me a hug could it have been improved upon. Loved it.

It's Idol again, and we have our results: Jordin is officially America's sweetheart, blow me down, and she sings that very silly song very prettily and looks very pretty, and America chose well, I think, for all the reasons Mrs. Cynicletary outlined so brilliantly below. A more or less satisfying conclusion to a somewhat disappointing season.

Which could also be said of Veronica Mars, I suppose—awesome series, disappointing final season. I wish they'd been better-prepared for the series finale; we're left with one heapin' heap of unfinished business. TV movie in our future? Fingers crossed!!

So there you have it—the final blog of the finale, finally. See you in January!

Lady Chardonnay (today's look: Teatime Junior Miss) OUT.

Thanks, kids!

Well, another year of Idol has come and gone. Congratulations, Jordin! You deserved to win. I am sure we will be seeing many of this year's kids on the charts very soon.

Now - it is time for my DANCE SHOW DANCE SHOW! "So You Think You Can Dance" is on Fox on Thursdays at 8:00. I love this show! Maybe even more than I love Idol!

See you next time. Happy Summer to all of our faithful readers.

Love & kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

Lewis & Sparks Expedition

There you have it, another year of American Idol. Last night's show was a tad shrill, I thought. Everything so crazy and loud.

As I have said previously, Blake is the better performer, and Jordin is the better singer. And since this is, wait for it, a singing competition, I believe that Jordin will win.

At seventeen, Jordin is not well-formed enough as an artist to protest or even mind the inevitable pop phenom that will be created out of her. By the time she is ready to make some artistic statements, she should have enough dough and credibility to do her own thing. It has worked out that way very well for Kelly Clarkson. This competition is like some kind of sorority hazing. They make you sing songs that you've just learned on live TV, criticize you in front of millions of people, then make you sing and record as your first single the worst songs ever written, before they say, OK, here's a great song for you to sing, and you will make millions and win Grammys. I think Jordin can handle that. She even sang that incredibly heinous last song with heart. (How horrible was that dreck - honestly!)

Blake will be better off in second place. He is much more formed artistically with his own established style. And let's not forget the next dance craze, "The Blake Take" (see previous post for instructions). Second through fourth places are really the best spots to get on Idol. You have an established audience, producers will take a chance on you, and you are not tied to the machine that is American Idol for years of your life.

Both Blake and Jordin will be just fine. It's been a fun musical expedition with our young explorers, Lewis and Sparks.

Love & kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

p.s. Last year Prince made magic on the final episode. There is no way to top Prince, I'm just saying. XO

Jordin Takes It In a Walk

(And it's totally deserved.)

That's my prediction, and I'm sticking to it.

Lady Chardonnay, thinking about hitting up Daughtry for some eye make-up tips, and OUT.

America is Stupid

Well, the part that voted for their "American Idol" Tuesday night. I was so mad last night that I didn't even post. If I had there would have been an -ing word in the title describing "stupid" and I know that our reader in Huntertown would have been very disappointed in me for using it!

I know it is just TV and I am aware that [crying jags over the demise of the GILMORE GIRLS - and an awesome ending it was! - notwithstanding] television is for entertainment and means nothing. And yet, I am really disappointed that I am not going to get to hear Melinda sing next week. That is what it boils down to for me. Hers is the performance that I look forward to every week. I can count on being entertained and surprised by her.

Jordin and Blake are fine. I have liked Jordin in the past a lot. I find her a bit disingenuous sometimes- she seems to slap on a look of surprise when she realizes that the camera is on her. But at other times she seems just like a kind of silly, pretty, talented, biggish girl who I would really like. And how can you not appreciate her feelings for Mmm Bop?

I bet Blake is more irritating in real life than you would think. I'd bet my big toe that he was a fat boy in middle school. (Not that there's anything wrong with that!) He has that "pay attention to me" thing running all the time and he wants to be played in the story of his life by Jim Carey. Need I say more? And he has funny lips. But he is from Washington state which is slightly in his favor. And I LOVED the way he was with Chris R. the night he went home. So my heart won't be broken if he wins either.

I guess I just don't care which way it goes. I will probably watch just to see the top 10 sing again. But I won't be emotionally invested. I mean it...

Brunie, OUT!

Three songs and you're out!

Well, that was an interesting show. Let's recap, shall we?

All three kids sang three songs, one chosen by a judge, one by the Producers and one by the kids themselves.

Jordin: First she sang Rose Royce's "Wishing on a Star", which is a very lovely song and Jordin sang it well. I can't believe that she sang it so well having never heard it before. It is a real skill to be able to learn and sing a song under pressure in just a week. Kudos Jordin! Song two: I hate that Donna Summer song - it is her worst in my opinion. Jordin was only OK on that number. Lastly, she sang that I'm-the-only-one-to-love-you song - very beautiful voice - Jordin can really sing. I did sense a certain drop in energy from her last night, and who can blame them for getting tired at this point. She did well, but maybe not as well as I thought she could have/should have/would have. I have thought that Jordin could win it all, but after last night I am less sure.

Blake. Song one - Roxanne - love the song - just liked Blake's rendition. It was OK. Song two by Maroon 5 - excellent - a really perfect performance all around. Last song - very good again.
In order to do the Blake dance, you must stand facing front, then half turn your body and look behind your right shoulder as if someone behind you has just called to you - then move back facing front. Blake does this move at least 3 times in every song. The moon walky deal is much harder, so start with the Blake Take until you are ready for the advanced Blake-isms. He did extremely well last night. As an all-around performer, I think Blake is best.

Melinda. Melinda, Melinda. A glorious night for you, my dear. First, that crazy difficult Whitney song. I heard two tiny little notes that were not perfect, but other than that - genius! And her low-notes are just gorgeous! Song two - Nutbush City - FANTASTIC! I loved the moves she did with the microphone, and she really rocked it! (Although whenever I hear that song I remember the awful scene in What's Love Got To Do With It, in which Ike Turner rapes Tina while she tries to record this, the first song she ever wrote, in her home studio. Ike is jealous and goes nuts. Again.) Fry-the-bacon-up-in-a-pan song last - excellent. I did not care for the suit she wore, but damn, that girl can SING!

Melinda most deserves a place in the finals. Jordin is a better singer than Blake, but Blake is a better performer than Jordin. It should be a very interesting night tonight.

Love & kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

Not enough heaven

Barry Gibb Barry Gibb ohmygosh Barry Gibb! was my first reaction on hearing of this week's guest judge.

Alas, as Barrys go, Mr. Gibb is no Mr. Manilow. His "coaching" was beyond lame: "I was shocked that she chose that song! It was written for a man! And she's a lady!" Time to move on, falsetto boy.

I did like the music. I own Best of the Bee Gees. "How Deep Is Your Love?" is my all-time hottest slow-dance song, as its gentle driving beat requires just a little bit of . . . friction. Love it. And Barry was of course my favorite Bee Gee. But age has not been so kind to our friend, and he just didn't wow me at all.

And neither did the Idolettes, who were basically . . . fine. I thought Blake was the worst and Jordin was the best, but nobody did anything to write home about.

And yet, the fans, they clamor for a blog entry. Blessings on Brunie, who found much more to say than I'm able to!

I realized, before Chris was booted last week, that if Jordin gets cut, I'm basically done with this show for the year. It's Fantasia vs. Diana vs. Jasmine all over again, and I could not give a rat's patootie. (Though the current Top Three is more talented than that Top Three, I hasten to add. Season 3—Idol's nadir.)

So, bye-bye LaKisha. We'll miss your big ol' voice and great rack. Blake goes next, and then we have a real battle—Polished Leading Lady vs. Bubbly Ingenue—and it's anyone's guess who'll be left standing.

Unless I'm totally wrong, and Blake wins it all. Gah.

Lady Chardonnay, a bit weary (young girls, they do get weary) and OUT.

Distracted By Shiny Objects...

Last year Lady Char wrote an awesome post about how she gets to a certain point where she can't bear to think that the contestants are being sent away so she pretends that they are just sick and aren't going to be able to sing the next week. ["Oh, Kevin must have an earache tonight..."] I couldn't post last week because it seemed like too much of a coincidence that Chris and Phil were both coming down with something. Get well soon, boys!

I have to say that last week was great and I adore Jon Bon Jovi. He is truly getting hotter with age. Barry Gibb? Not so much... I was not a big hair band girl in the '80s and kind of was on the old end of the Bon Jovi experience. But you can bet that I have a make-out memory for every song in the Brothers Gibb catalog!

Melinda opened with Love You Inside and Out. [In my family the lyrics went a little something like this: "Love you inside and out, I'm in the hamper with my butt hanging out..." It's a long story involving my little sister and the laundry chute.] She sounded fantastic as usual, but didn't do anything new or amazing.

Blake stepped up with You Should Be Dancing which was fine but a little beat boxy-annoying. Now I loved his version of whatever the hell he sang on Bon Jovi night, but I grow t-t-t-t-tired of his sh-sh-sh-sh-shtick.

Lakisha was up next with a slower smokier version of Staying Alive which I loved and the judges did not.

Jordan sang To Love Somebody and hit it out of the park. I hope that little girl is sincere, because I am kind of pulling for her.

Back to Mindy-doo, bringing it after the judges told her that she really needed to sell her second song. She covered How Can You Mend a Broken Heart and she was stellar. I just love her. I don't think it is entirely fair to grade on a curve and expect more of her each time when she is so clearly amazing.

The phrase "dead to me" quickly leaped to mind when Blake sang This is Where I Came In. But the desire to detest him was just too weak and I became sleepy just watch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ching him.

Kiki sang Run To Me and sounded beautiful and looked beautiful. But just as Mr. Crow seems to be over the awesome powers of her breasts [and believe me, when I told him it was BeeGees night he ran out of the room like monsters were chasing him], so did the judges seem to be over the awesome power of her magnificent voice. I hope she's not getting the flu!

Jordan closed up with Woman in Love which sounded great, but a little one dimensional. She is only 17 and I think that kind of shone through. And as much as I like the sort of stridently demanding lyrics of the song, it really needs almost a nagging quality to sell it.

Who will go home tonight? What are you talking about? I hear Blake wasn't vaccinated for chicken pox, though.

Brunie, OUT!

Lost without you

The title of my post has nothing to do with either Phil or Chris. It has to do with my favorite song that was sung live. Lost Without You is my FAVORITE song right now. I downloaded Robin Thicke's whole album and listen to it on my MP3. Mr. Cynicletary and I sing it to each other. I just hate the fact that he is Alan Thicke's son. It damages his credibility somehow, but I have gotten over it since he is such a great song writer, and damn, Pharrel is one of the greatest producers of all time!!

Anyway, Idol, right. I was glad to see Phil go, and kind of resigned to see Chris go too. I think it was the right decision. Now it will get crazy hard!

One of our brilliant and discerning readers posted a comment about my comment that the kids have all lost weight. Indeed, with their schedule and stresses, how could you NOT lose weight after weeks and weeks on the show? I think Lakisha has lost the most and looks fab-u-lous. I did not however, enjoy the red stripe around the middle of her shirt on Tuesday. Everyone looks great in very long bootcut jeans over high heels with a not too tight top. Well, all the girls anyway.

Love & kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

Put another dime in the jukebox, baby!

('Cause I love rock 'n' roll!)

******************

I've been sitting here staring at my screen for three minutes.

Really, what is there to say? Everyone performed reasonably well, and if you like Bon Jovi, you had a great night of entertainment.

Phil sang great and looked great . . . unless you don't like Phil, because at this point, it's all pretty subjective. Is LaKisha a better singer than Jordin? Is Phil better than Blake? They're all competent—it really comes down to personal taste.

Lady C's Conspiracy Theory: I haven't been keeping close track, but hasn't Phil performed in the Forgettable First spot more than any of the others? And hasn't Melinda performed in the Final Remember Me spot more than the others? That's my impression.

Jordin looked great (sporting Mrs. Cynicletary's becoming spring uniform of cropped skinny pants, tunic, and heels) and struggled with the low notes. Hopefully, her popularity will carry her through. Then again, part of being a professional is playing to your strengths and minimizing your challenges, à la Blake, and maybe she should've dropped that song once even cute Jon raised his eyebrows.

Side note: Jon Bon Jovi was a pretty good coach, I thought. It would be nice to see more of his actual coaching, but his take on each singer was right on. And oh my is he pretty !

LaKisha looked great, sounded lovely on a boring song, and was fun and sassy. Last week I would've said that she was going home next; now I have no idea.

Blake, hmm. I'm not a song purist, per se, but it really irks me that the phrase "made it your own" is applied any time someone does anything different with a song, regardless of whether said tinkering improves it or not. On Motown Night, I hated what he did with "You Keep Me Hanging On"—a song of despair shouldn't be so flippin' jazzy!—and last night I thought all the beatbox stuff, while skillful, had nothing to do with the song! He was my second-least favorite of the night.

And who was your least favorite, Lady C? That would be Tinny McNasal, back in full flower, who was even reedier than usual. (Unless you love him, in which case I'm sure he sounded fine.) His "Dead or Alive" couldn't even hold a candle to Daughtry's, let alone the original. I will be SO happy to bid him adieu. I will be SO SO SO happy if I can do so this evening!

Bringing it all home was Melinda, whom I've admired without fulling warming up to before now, but last night she blew my mind. Is there nothing the woman can't do? She is amazing.

I voted like a crazy person for Jordin and Phil, then decided that it would be hypocritical not to vote for the best performance as well, so I voted for Melinda too, and I just hope that I didn't shoot my favorites in the foot.

Going home? I've got my fingers crossed that it will be Chris and Blake, but I suspect it will be Chris and Phil. Sigh.

Lady Chardonnay (today's look: Flashdance Hits the Suburbs) OUT.

Two have to go...

Tonight will begin the tricky part. If Phil goes, which I hope he does, someone else will have to go with him and I really like everyone else. Based only on last night's performances, Jordin did the worst, but I LOVE Jordin, and in general she has been so great and could win it all. She had lots of trouble with her low notes, and she just did not seem comfortable. Bend your knees, Jordin - find your inner rocker! Even Melinda rocked better. And can we all just agree that Melinda is in a different league as the rest? No matter what, she always does well. It sounds like she has a week longer than everyone else to practice. I loved her attitude last night! And she looks great in jeans. I think she will be safe.

I loved Blake's version of Been Done Jovi. He kicked ass! He was mesmerizing and I loved the beat boxing. I think he will be safe too.

Kiki came with it last night too. A little shakey to start, but she brought it on home with conviction - righteous! I am afraid that she might be in danger tonight.

I though Chris did a very fine version of the oft covered Dead or Alive. He has really improved and his interpretation was very good. I also fear for him though.

Phil did a good enough job for someone who has been practicing a song for 15 years. I hope he goes tonight, and with him will be.... will be...someone I like much better than him.

Everyone looked really good last night. I would bet that more than 70 pounds total has been lost by the kids.

Love & Kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

I'd like to buy the world a coke

(Capitalization, or lack thereof, is intentional; in my home state of California, every soda is a coke.)

Well, the Lady has all sorts of catching up to do, does she not? First and foremost, in this week of being ostentatiously loving and giving, I apologize to Miss Martina McBride, whom I mildly dissed in my conga ditty of yesteryear. I have nothing against this very nice woman, and I enjoyed her singing, coaching, and glossy hair very much. Rather, it was the fear and loathing I feel at the words "country theme" that brought on my attack of bile, albeit in a clever rhyme. Yes, I am clever even whilst bilious. 'Tis a gift.

Second–well, that would be Country Night itself, and again I prepared to eat (country-fried) crow, as first Phil was outstanding beyond all reasonable expectations, and then Jordin was outstanding in that way that Jordin is outstanding every week, and yet it always feels so fresh! so new! and I was a born-again convert at the altar of Kenny Rogers and Dottie West—but then they let somebody else sing, it doesn't even matter who, and it was all over, and I went back to flogging my Garth Brooks action figure, and no, I don't mean in the "if you know what I mean" nudge nudge, wink wink way. I am not a country fan, I am simply a fan of good singing and entertaining entertainment, and there was precious little of either to be found that night.

(Brunie said that Melinda had her bawling, but I just missed it.)

So then Sanjaya went home, and I thought his three-hour Kiki embrace was very dear.

Fast-forward to Idol Cares Ever So Much Tuesday, and I know what Brunie means about being cynical in the face of what is clearly a good cause—you somehow can't help it, and yet you feel a bit soiled. I want to help the poor and hungry, really! Just . . . with a little less fanfare and self-congratulation and Teri Hatcher, maybe.

(All this talk of the MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT IN IDOL HISTORY reminded me of a MadTV sketch about the debut of Felicity and its resultant over-hyping, which culminated in these words: "If your children don't watch Felicity . . . KILL THEM.")

I realized that I wanted Ryan and Simon to tell me that they personally were donating every bit of money they're making this week. Instead, they looked smug while telling me how much Ford is donating . . . which just didn't do it for me.

But oh well. Wherever it came from, the money's going to excellent causes, and I tried to do my own part by voting for Jordin 25 times and Phil 15 times and Melinda 5 times, and Blake once (for Li'l Martini, who loves him), and that was a lot of busy-signal endurance, believe me.

I don't have much to say about the performances, except that Blake is kinda over for me. I don't see him growing past where he is now, and his "slower" performances just aren't so fun. Phil, in contrast, is getting better all the time.

My one question about last night's big drama (which brought Mimosa to tears, she hearts Jordin in a big ol' way): Does this mean that Jordin in fact got the lowest number of votes, or did Ryan/TPTB simply set it up this way for maximum drama? (Frankly, if they'd told me early on that Melinda and Jordin were both safe, I might not have watched any further.) They're not morons, they must know that Jordin has already been cast as America's Singing Prom Queen, with Melinda as her equally talented Consort. I wonder if we'll ever know?

And with that, I bid you good day.

Lady Chardonnay OUT.

Does Idol Hate Jordin?

I am not going to comment on all the goings on last night because I didn't really watch them. (Thank you, TiVo!) I just skittered through all the singing. I was just showing up for "the most shocking reslults ever!" And shocking they were. But were they shocking to the Idolettes?

The only thing that makes me want to write is the burning question - did the tell the Idolettes how it was going to go? I am pretty sure that they did, otherwise Chris would have to be a lot more poised than I think he is. When he was in the final two (the way he will be next week, bye!) he didn't get that dead-in-the-eyes look he has in the past. And Jordin was still sparklie as ever. If it had been me I would have bawled like a baby starting immediatly. And we all know what a crier Jordin is. So I think that Idol perhaps doesn't hate Jordin at all, after all.

I can't comment on next week with out seeing the participants sing. I'm not Nostradamus for heaven's sake. So I won't say goodbye to Phil, Chris or Lakeshia just yet.

Brunie, OUT!

Believe, Hope and Dream. Or not...

In the interest of full disclosure, I hate inspirational music. I already have a positive outlook, thank you very much. I don’t need some falsetto-ed meathead forcing me to “believe” or “hope” or “dream”. Shut up and sing about lust, revenge or driving fast…

Chris opened the show with Clapton’s CHANGE THE WORLD and he sounded great. He reminded me of Michael MacDonald a little bit. He didn’t seem smarmy or anything. And the judges loved him.

Melinda sang THERE WILL COME A DAY which I had never heard before. I think it might be Jesus-y which I am all in favor of, but seems odd on Idol. I couldn’t really focus on the words because I was so amazed at the sight of an actual neck under her fabulously singing face! She had visible neck, people! She had a kind of low riding choker which looked fantastic. Her voice was amazing, as usual. The judges loved her and Simon said “master class” again which makes him a poncy twit.

Blake sang IMAGINE. There was a question from a fan beforehand. Blake was asked “What is the biggest sacrifice you have made to be on Idol?” And Blake used tremendous effort of will and did not respond “My integrity.” The thing about IMAGINE that is so great is that it exists at all. It is the power and the message and the fact that Lennon died violently that create the perfect poignancy of this song. I don’t ever want to hear anyone sing this song other than John Lennon or a fourth grade choir.

Lakisha sang a Fantasia song that I never heard before and disliked so intensely that I have blocked out whatever the title might be. The judges went on and on about how hard it is to compare to “the Fantasia version” which made me laugh because I have managed to live this long without hearing it. But I suppose they would have been paying more attention to Fantasia than I have. Mr. Crow was unable to come up with an accurate description of her bosoms and was all snotty when I asked him for one, claiming that he barely noticed them this week. So I am left with my own description which is restrainedly restrained. Her dress was fantastic. I love it. I want it and then I want a fancy place to wear it. Sadly, I think Idol might be done with Miss Kiki.

Phil sang something like THE CHANGE which is not actually about menopause much to my dismay. He got a chance to talk about his little girls before he sang. And he got to mention Oklahoma and the OK City bomber. And damned if Lakisha isn’t going home this week. He sounded good and the judges liked him. And the kind of people who like him are the kind of people who will vote a million times just to get all those dimes for the poor children.

No no no no no no- I want Jordin’s dress. And her voice. And her hair. And I want to make her some rice pudding and give her advice about boys. She sang YOU’LL NEVER WALK ALONE which is a song I don’t really like. but she sang the hell out of it. And I love that she makes herself cry. I am this close to putting all my betting money on Jordin!

And now I am off to call on the off chance that America only votes 4,999,999 times.

Brunie, OUT!

Idol Puts Out!

I mean, Idol Gives Back...

I am torn, my friends. I am all in favor of raising money for children here and abroad. I just spent 45 minuted yesterday looking at the website of the children's home where a friend of a friend is working. It is an amazing place that takes in street kids. And yet, IGB is irritating me. I loved the little clips of Simon and the girl who mocked his boobies. But so much of it seems self serving. I will vote like a demon for whomever so that the corporations will pay up, but I am not going to bask in the glow of being a good person for doing it.

Why, why, why am I so cynical about this?

Brunie, OUT!

There is a God.

And she knows when a joke is not funny anymore. :-)

Love & kisses & happy rainbow sunshine - it's stopped raining!
Mrs. Cynicletary

Country roads, make me groan...

Brunie's right - I am still dabbing blood from my ears - God I hate country music. Only two made me care last night - the probably-gonna-win-it-Jordin, and the just-always-great-Melinda. (Sleeveless is great on her!) Blake was only OK, Chris ditto, and Lakisha was kinda screechy last night, and I really disliked the brown dress. Phil is creepy. Sanjaya was so bad - I could have sung Something to Talk About MUCH better than he. With no rehearsal. And I have better hair, but I do not look like a 14 year old girl. I agree with Brunie on what Simon should say, but what he did say was pretty accurate. We'll see if the vote for the worst crowd is getting tired of this game and is ready to do something else with their enormous amount of free time.

Buh bye to Phil.

XO,
Mrs. Cynicletary

Culling the Herd

So it was country night and while I know that Lady C and Mrs. C are probably still bleeding from the ears, I enjoyed last night/this morning. [Thank you, once again, TiVo for allowing me to view Idol in handy bite-sized pieces.]

Phil opened the show with WHERE THE BLACKTOP ENDS which I had never heard, but he sang with gusto and actually got praises from all the judges. I though he sounded great, but his affability is grating.

My first crying jag of the episode came from the nearly perfect Jordin singing BROKEN WING. I have vague knowledge of this song and I don't really know how the original sounds. But the Jordin version was beautiful. And she looked beautiful. And Simon told her that he could see her winning for the first time.

SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT, indeed. Perhaps people will finally stop talking about Sanjaya. He was bland as milk toast - the most horribly bland food ever. If Simon would just come out and say, "Listen Sanjaya, you've been a great sport and you sing better than a lot of people, but it is your personality and your looks that have kept you in the contest but you just can't compare to the others here. Soon really talented people are going to be sent home before you and that is just wrong!" I would be happy.

Lakisha had me in tears with JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL because she is a shoe-in for the bottom three this week. The song sounded fine to me, but the judges found it pitchy and nobody wants to hear a big black woman sing about Jesus on Idol. I am fearing that she is going to be Mandisa'd tonight! She has a great voice, but she was the weakest girl by far tonight.

Chris sang MAYBERRY and the less said about him the better. Oh fine - if you insist... He is DEAD TO ME!!! The song was ridiculous - "things were better when things were slower and people weren't greedy and women knew their place and the races didn't mix and if your kids were sassy you could just slap them across the face..." There is huge difference to me in Phil's song which is also nostalgic for a simpler time without making huge stupid generalizations and Chris's which was just stupid. (And just to be clear, I LOVE Mayberry R.F.D. and Andy Griffith and Otis and the south and slow talking and friendliness. I just hate that song...) And then, if I may continue my rant - Chris's "the people at Virginia Tech are in my prayers" was completely misplaced. I absolutely feel for him, he is from the state and probably has friends there, but they should have had him say something at the beginning of the show or given all the Idols a chance to say something about it. I don't think it is the case, but there was a whiff of Phil's "I dedicate this song to those fighting terror"-ness that struck me as shilling for votes. And finally, "Nasally is a style of singing." is the funniest thing that I have heard all week. (Granted, it has been a slow week comedy -wise.) Perhaps on Planet Hillbilly, Christopher...

Finally we get to Melinda who made me so happy I may be in a good mood until lunchtime! She sang TROUBLE IS A WOMAN and she won my very heart. The song was fun and fast and she just sang it like she was born to sing it. And at the end Simon warned her that he was going to compliment her and that she should not lift her shoulders or scrunch up in any way and - my land, people - you could see her EXERTING EFFORT not to do it. I really think that her shyness is sincere. She had her face immobile with the strain of accepting the compliment. And then she let herself just smile and it was magical. (I admit I felt a tear well up...) In other news, the off-the-shoulder look worked great for her and her curved in hair gave her the illusion of a neck. Kudos to her stylist.

Blake sang a vaguely familiar song called WHEN THE STARS GO BLUE. In this song a woman dances in a wedding dress with wooden shoes. Is she Dutch? An accomplished woodworker? Miss Haversham? Who knows? The song was pretty and Blake sang fine. He has such a strange twist to his face when he is just singing regular. And he sounds very much like a late 80s English emo-precursor kind of singer. I imagine he does an excellent Morrisey impression.

I leave you with my predictions - bottom three should be Lakisha, Chris and Sanjaya. Going home should be Sanjaya. In reality Phil may just be gone.

Did I mention that I cried?

Brunie, OUT!

Even as I Type~

-they are just about telling us who is in the bottom three! (Oh dear, Phil - no surprise there...)

But lets go back in time, shall we? (Insert blurry lines here...)

Last night was Latin night and it was a struggle to stay awake. Caliente? No.

Mindy-Doo started with Sway and she looked cute as a bug. The song did nothing for me, but she sounded swell as usual.

Kiki sang Conga. Her boobies entranced Mr. Crow (who just asked me just now, "They're only kicking ONE person off tonight??") but her singing didn't do much for me. It wasn't bad - just, eh...

Chris sang Smooth and I think he is about to be sent into the bottom three. [Oh how twisty the time is!] And yes, I am correct.

Haley sang Turn the Beat Around which Ryan called a Gloria Estafan song but which I know is a Vicki Sue Robinson song (Which was covered by my sworn enemy Missy Bell in the fifth grade lipsynch contest at Spruce Elementary School in 1977!) She and her slutty, slutty legs will be going home tonight. [I did love how she said she was going to put a robe on after coming off stage. I think she is probably quite fun in real life.]

Of course Phil is a proven bottom three club member. I thought he sounded pretty last night, though. The song, Maria Maria, was lovely except for the last line about a song played by Carlos Santana which was the lamest ending of a song ever. Really.

Jordin sang Rhythm is Gonna Get Ya, but I escaped. Heh, just rolled myself... (Does anyone else say that? Rolling yourself is when you say something so funny that you crack yourself up. I do it all the time. I don't know what that says about me. But what it says about Idol is that I am finding myself a hell of a lot more interesting than I did most of the performances this week...)

Except for Blake. Usually he is like vanilla ice cream, rice crispies or Sprite. They are foods that are treats for some people, but for me they do nothing. But this week, singing I Need to Know, he was like vanilla ice cream infused with caramel swirls and cashews or rice crispie marshmallow treats or ... no, Sprite always sucks. Wait a minute - like Sprite and bourbon! (I've never actually had those to beverages together but the longer this results show goes on, the better it is starting to sound.) What I mean to say is, he is essentially the same as most other weeks - but something about him catches me this week. Confidence? A sense of fun? The jaunty chapeau?

And finally, Sanjaya. I must say that he was the most true to the theme of the night. Singing Besame Mucho in Spanish, looking a little disheveled, leering into the camera like a slightly de-sexed and less skeezy Constintine Mavroulous. (The Constintine part isn't what I meant by being true to the theme, just the singing in Spanish.) Simon hit the nail on the head when he said it wasn't awful. It really wasn't.

And now I will post this so that Madame Impatient of Abominable Manor will get off my back with her incessant demands! Then I will fast forward through most all the rest of the results show and say goodbye to Haley, I think.

Here's hoping that Jordin or Lakeshia sings Jolene nest week!

Brunie, OUT!

JLo? A No Go

C'mon shake your body baby do that conga /
Don' want to listen to the Idolettes any longah /
They can't sing Latin / My ears have died /
And next week is freakin' Martina McBride


Lady Chardonnay OUT.

My Girl

I always fall for the scrappy girls, the funky ones, the Idolettes most likely to have a tattoo, or three, or thirty (which could not be more opposite from my own Ladylike persona!): Amy Adams, Melissa McGhee, now Gina Glocksen. (I seem to like an alliterative mongram as well.) They never win, they break my heart, I live to love another day. C'est la vie.

Though I think Simon was unnecessarily cruel (blow me down), he pretty much called it: Gina, a fine singer, was simply outsung by three other girls. But she grew in this competition, she worked hard and paid attention, she got national exposure. I hope it leads to great things for her, because she deserves it.

I'll miss her!

Lady Chardonnay OUT.

Premonitions

As you may recall, I have never cared for Gina. She seems mean and not very likeable to me. However, I have at times voted for her when she has sung well, and when she has demonstrated clear improvement. I thought she sang Smile beautifully, but as she sang it I had a premonition. "Smile, though your heart is breaking"... I thought, those lyrics would be just the worst ones to have to sing if you were voted off. Many times when the kids sing a song about leaving or saying goodbye,they end up leaving and saying goodbye. Just like Gina - oh no -she has to sing that song! Gina gave a master class is losing last night. The song was moving even to the cynicletary and she held it almost completely together. She was really feeling the final words of the song, "what's the use of crying, you'll find that life is still worthwhile, if you just" (and then she let the other kids sing the smile part). It was perfect! It could not have been rehearsed better. I am officially pissed that Haley, Phil and you-know-who are still there.

And that singer guy who stood in for Tony? Michael Bleebloo - what was his name - he was jazzy but no better than many an Idol contestant.

Love & kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

Now I'm Mad!

Oh my gosh, how classy is Gina Glocksen? When she sang her final song, I actually started crying! And I have a heart of stone, ask anyone! It was one of the best songs of the season so far. Man, she held it together beautifully while making it entirely obvious how sad she was to be going.

If Sanjaya just went home when he was supposed to go... Or Haley... Why can't the people I hate go away and the people I like stick around? Dang, I am going to miss Gina.

And I really thought that we were going to be told that the three divas were the middle three. I'm glad that wasn't the case.

And how thrilled was I not to have to hear that freakin' Tony Bennett. Whew - dodged the bullet on that one! (Joking, of course - please don't hurt me Lady C and Mrs. C!)

Master Class/ Minor Entertainment

I am in the minority, I guess. I was bored out of my tree last night. I knew Lacy C. would be thrilled as thrilled could be at the theme, but I though surely Mrs. C would live up to her name. Alas...

[I should admit that I was cutting little pieces of paper all night for school so I didn't so much watch as just looked up to see how they were dressed and then went back to cutting. More on that later.]

I can barely remember what went on, but I will try to give my impressions.

I thought Blake was fine on MACK THE KNIFE. What a dull song.

Phil sounded good on whatever the hell he sang.

Melinda sounded beautiful, as usual. No surprise. (How jaded I have become! But remember W-O-M-A-N? Damn...)

Chris was fine. Heh.

I did love Jordyn. She is my new fave. This means she should be going home soon.

And Gina sounded fantastic, too. I have really grown to like her voice a lot. And her hair was cute as a bug.

Sanjaya was a train wreck. My friend Honest Liz was telling me about this:
The House of Sanjaya
We spent the entire day at work walking by each other and whispering "Sanjaya!" just like in the clip.

When they did the tease (unfortunate choice of words) for Haley and I caught a glimpse of how short her dress was I quipped, "Up next: Haley Scarnato and her crotch!" and at the same time Crow, Jr said, "She is on crutches?" and Mr Crow said, "Nelly Furtado?" I laughed and laughed. [Who knew Mr. Crow had even heard of Nelly Furtado? And apparently Jr. is the only 8th grade boy on the planet not obsessed with the wonder of Haley's area.] So I went in laughing. And while I wasn't crying when it was over, I wasn't smiling. I did love the way that Tony Bennet yelled at her for misunderstanding the point of the song. "I'm Tony-effing-Bennett and I will tell you how to sing the song!" I am kidding, I love Tony Bennett, but I was amused at how everyone except for Phil completely disregarded his advice.

Lakeshia was fantastic and she looked beautiful and yet I remained unmoved. I think it may have been the cutting.

So here is the thing. I don't think that these songs feel genuine on this show. Or the kids don't really mean them. I really think that Gina and Jordyn were the only two who seemed sincere when singing. Or I could just be cranky. I noticed that the phrase "master class in singing" was used twice. It just seems so pretentious. Like the writers just learned the phrase and told everyone to sprinkle it through their conversations. Oh well, I hear that Jennifer Lopez is going to be the next guest teacher. A master class in irritating Brunie?

Brunie - grumpy, no fun and looking forwards to saying bye-bye to Haley - OUT!

They Got Rhythm, They Got Music

Glorious music, sung by talented youngsters—that was some enchanted evening, for sure.

I'm pretty much in agreement with Mrs. Cynicletary's overview, with some small exceptions.

Blake sang "Mac the Knife," a song for a cool cat, but Blake sang it more like a kitten. He can do better. Still, he's irresistably adorable and not going anywhere yet.

I truly believe that Phil is considered a mad fox on his home planet. I love his voice and thought he sounded great, but I'm not getting any more attached.

Melinda: I have no words for how awesome she was, nor how much I hated her hair.

Chris R gave a great performance and sounded better than usual. Still—he is just so very average to me. I don't get it all. Phil is to me as Chris R is to most everyone else, I think.

Jordin is indeed a magnet o' joy. I love every minute she's on stage. Loved her, loved the song, Simon can suck a lemon.

My girl Gina sounded great. I'm so happy that she's just letting us hear her voice now, and no longer tarting up her performances with the rocker-grrl nonsense.

(And like Mrs. C, I also teared up when Tony spoke of 9/11 and our soldiers in Iraq. A classy gent is our Tony. A true national treasure.)

Sanjaya, oh, Sanjaya, what else is there to say? Watching him is no longer painful for me, I giggle all the way through his performances—but it's like he's on a whole different show. He won't win—I expect he'll go home after Phil and Haley—but still. He doesn't belong on this show, and the producers have only themselves to blame. If it really were about finding the best singer and not a popularity contest, viewers would only be able to vote once per performer. Period. But they'll never do it that way, so . . . j'acccuse!

The whole time Haley sang I was on the phone (not with Brunie), so I got to enjoy the best of Haley (watching her) while totally missing what everyone seems to agree was an uninspired performance. The thing is: When she stripped down to her panties and sang "Tell Him," yes, she did look like a hot little minx, but she also sounded great! She can do better, and it's disappointing when she doesn't. But she had her moment in the sun, and I won't feel so bad for her when she goes home this week. (Not to jump ahead or anything.)

LaKisha looked very pretty (she has amazing skin) and sounded fabulous, playing to her strengths (big song, big notes). Clearly they've decided that her cleavage is her best accessory. I am dying to dress LaKisha. That was a beautiful dress, but I know she can look better.

All in all, a very good night.

Bottom three: Phil, Haley, and (simply because it won't be anyone else, not because she deserves to be there) Gina

Going home: Haley

Lady Chardonnay (today's look: My Mother Still Dresses Me) OUT.

The Good stay good, the bad stay bad.

This week was fairly predictable. Melinda ( her voice makes me smile), Jordin (soaring - made an old song sound young), Blake (smoothy-smooth), Chris (Nice job - cute outfit), and Lakisha (looking so pretty!) sang very well. Gina (who seems to be taking a page from Melinda's book re interpretation) and Phil ( kind of dark) were good. Haley and Sanjaya (they don't even get their own color) not only stayed bad, but if possible, they got a little worse. Even as the show went to the break and previewed the two of them I cringed in anticipation of their suckiness. This week I tried not looking at Sanjaya as he sang, thinking that his goofy looks might prejudice my ears. (And to avoid seeing the John Travolta suit he was wearing - ick!) But not looking was even worse somehow. He sounded TERRIBLE. And his comment about wanting America to hear that he really can sing, well, sorry honey. You sounded worse than ever. Voice so reedy, thin and lifeless. I liked Simon for saying, "Let's try a new tactic - incredible!" Hee hee. Haley was her pageanty worst. She was flat throughout most of the song, and she did that freakin' stop and pull back hand gesture that makes me crazy again! Even Paula had nothing nice to say to her except her last resort compliment - you look good in green.

How loveable is Tony Bennett! I wish he was my Uncle. Hits over 50 years - 50!! You gotta love him. And he made me get a little weepy when he talked about the song Smile, and how he thinks of 911, and soldiers in Iraq when he sings it. Some of the good do NOT die young! God Bless Tony!

Love & kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

Bye Bye Sligh

Curly's main problem is that he was trying to play two roles at once—someone who thinks it's all a big joke ("I want to make David Hasselhoff cry") and someone who really wants to be on the show—and you can't pull off both simultaneously. Which is part of the reason that he began to seem more and more subdued—he just didn't know how to play it. Of the men, I thought he and Brandon had the best all-'round voices, but it just didn't translate, somehow.

But watching his post-judging behavior made me realize that there is yet another dimension to this show that affects voting, and that is: how the Idolettes receive criticism. Herewith I offer:

Lady Chardonnay's Tips for Taking It Like a Champ

1. Be grateful. Remember how many people would kill to be where you are.

2. Confidence is great. Being humble is also great. Finding a way to play both: priceless.

3. If you get totally trashed by the judges but you want to stay in, here are your best options: (1) Embrace the absurdity of the moment: You are considered awful, and yet you are still here! How funny is America! (see: Sanjaya, present day) (2) Stay silent, as your eyes widen and begin to glimmer with unshed tears. When Ryan asks your opinion, nod in a way that indicates you are too stunned to speak. (see: Sanjaya, Weeks 1 and 2; Haley) DO NOT: Argue with them (Sligh), suggest that they don't know what they're talking about (Sligh), point out that their comments are not logical or consistent, even if it's true (Sligh), or turn to the audience and say, "But YOU liked it, right?" (Gina, others) You will look arrogant and/or needy.

If you can pull it off, something like Lakisha's "If I sound this good when I'm 80, I'll be happy—I think I look good" is okay, except for the part where it is totally nonsensical. But well-applied humor is usually a good thing. Just—hard to do. Save it for the bloggers, children!

4. Your very best bet in the face of less-than-glowing comments is to appear like you are fully taking responsibility while not actually admitting that you sucked. When Ryan pushes that mike in your face demanding a confrontation, you keep your cool, reiterate how much you respect the judges, and promise to think hard about what they said. Say that you are so grateful to your wonderful and surprisingly attractive voters for giving you this chance, and you hope to make them proud. If Ryan is relentless (you know, if it's a day that ends in "y"), tell him how handsome he looks today ("Eggplant IS your color!"), and he'll back away in terror.

Haley is surviving because people want to protect her, and Sanjaya is surviving because he's having so darn much fun. Other than Blake and Jordin, is there a contestant having this much of a blast, day in, day out?

That's my theory, and I'm sticking to it.

Lady Chardonnay OUT.

Bringing Pudgy Back and then Taking Pudgy Home

Okay, I did like the sign that said "Chris Sligh is bringing pudgy back." And he was fairly amusing when he wasn't trying too hard. And the boy has a pretty voice, no denying. But I was not sorry to see him leave Wednesday. As a matter of fact I had a big ol' grin on my face in spite of the fact that Sanjaya is never ever going to leave.

But that was before I found out that Sligh was kicked out of Bob Jones University! How can you not root for a guy who was kicked out of Bob Jones? Of course it was because he went to a Christian Contemporary concert. Rebel. Heh.

So I guess it is Haley next week and then the people who I actually kind of like are going to start being sent home. Goodness, how the tension mounts!

Songs I love, songs I hate

Last night the kids sang some of my very favorite songs, and some of my least favorite. I used to love Donna Summer and danced away many a disco night to her hits. I thought Lakisha did a perfectly acceptable job with her song. I liked her outfit a lot - it was trendy and young! I think they are doing a very good job with plus-sized dressing this year, in spite of Lady C's comments.

Chris S. - I TOLD YOU NOT TO DANCE. He has no rhythm. None. He was so off beat on a really great Sting song. Dude, you are going down in every way except weight.

I love Stand by You. I love The Pretenders. And although I do not love Gina, I give her props for really improving.

I don't even know what to say about Sanjaya. If he was cool, the fauxhawk would have looked great. But he is a little teeny wussy boy who cannot cut loose and go for it. Dude, everyone in the world knows you are a rotten singer. Can't you just be a free-wheeling performer? No, too self conscious - too weak-voiced. Boo. Please go. Please.

Haley is not good enough to sing True Colors. I really love that song. I used to love a guy for whom the song was utterly perfect. Haley's hand gestures are so freakin' annoying! That stop and pull back move she does makes me nuts! She is not worthy to dye Cindy Lauper's hair.

I hate that Every Step You Take song aka the stalker song. When I first heard it like 20 years ago it was fine, but then MTV played that video with Sting and the candles every 20 minutes for 6 months. Now I just can't stand it. Phil's voice sounded good, but he sang every single note exactly like the original - hence without any originality. He has improved with time, but I still don't like him.

Melinda sounds great as usual. If her dress had a V-neck it would have been a smashing outfit. The leggings looked great on her slim legs, and her shorter hair shows us that she really does have a neck.

I hate The Cure (they whine whine whine) but I love Blake. He is cool and interesting.

I love Hey Baby, by No Doubt. Great song and Jordin did very well with it in spite of not having a band, which the song really needs.

As much as I love Gwen Stefani , I really hate their first big hit, Don't Speak. It always sounded so old-fashioned to me. Hate the song, love the Chris. He has an indefinable something that makes him cool, but in a different way than Blake. He just stands there barely moving , but like he could break out into the most awesome dance moves at any second. He looks so totally alive and slammin'!

I think Gwen Stefani is beautiful and her clothes are hot. She did seem underwhelming as a teacher, though. I did like how she said she could take voice lessons from Kiki. True that. Gwen's a great performer and vocalist, which is different from being a great singer.

I have almost given up hope that Sanjaya (or Sangina as he has been called) will ever go. Maybe that means he will. Please, oh please, oh please.

Love & Kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

Are You There, Gina? It's Me, Lady Char

I've liked Gina from Day 1 (which, faithful readers will remember, was last year, when I named her Fishnetted Dental Assistant), but now my love knows no bounds, as she clearly (1) is a reader of our blog, and (2) listens to me! Ah, there are few things more wonderful than a fan who pays attention. And what did I say: stand still, look pretty, and sing a ballad. I am flippin' brilliant. And Miss Gina, you know, she did her part too. What a perfect pair we are!

Last night was pretty good. I was saying to Brunie (we call each other during the commercials, because we are 12) that a problem with this season is that we've got one polished perfect professional (D.W.) and one kid who's clearly out of his league (Son of Apu), and everyone else is just very competent. Some are at the higher end of that scale (Jordin, LaKisha, maybe Blake) and some at the lower (the Chrisses, Haley), but at this point, no one's likely to give a truly terrible (or truly earth-shaking) performance, which is something of a challenge for we poor bloggers who must comb through our thesauruses looking for synonyms for "fine."

So last night, mostly everyone was....fine. And I don't know if that's what Gwen Stefani's usually like, but—huh. She gave new meaning to the word "phoning it in." What a strangely subdued guest.

LaKisha sounded okay (putting two syllables in the word "bad" so it was "bay-yad," which amused me) and looked terrible. Does her stylist hate her? She needs either a longer or a shorter skirt. That one inch of knee showing in between—so not good. Do the stylists on this show know how to dress big women? They struggled with Mandisa last year too, as I recall. Idiots. (Last night, for the first time, I suddenly saw that what I've been reading as LaKisha's arrogance is actually insecurity, which made me like her. Which is unfortunate, because I have a strong feeling that the Kiki Juggernaut has lost momentum. We'll see.)

Bad song choice for Sligh. I think he's peaked as well, and his humor is now coming off as defensive and somewhat desperate. I'm not sure how he can save himself at this point. (In their post-performance banter, for some reason he or Ryan said the word "Nevada," which is all I wrote down about his performance, as it's one of my pet peeves: 48 of the 50 states pronounce it "Nuh-vaw-duh," 2 of the 50 pronounce it "Nuh-vad-rhymes-with-bad-uh," and those 2 are California and Nevada. Why does the rest of the country say it wrong? And I guess it tells you something that this is the only thing I wrote down about Chris Sligh. Bye, Sligh.)

Gina—sensational. (Yes, I'm talking to YOU, girl. Keep reading!) And wasn't it fun to hear the judges pretend that this is what they've asked her for all along? Yeah.

I'm glad Sanjaya's having fun and is less terrifed on stage, because he seems like a sweet boy. However, I believe his time has come, and the Nadia Turner faux-hawk will be our salvation. Bye, Sanjaya.

Haley has likewise found herself and is no longer trying to be anything she's not (which is: pretty but limited). She sounded fine, but I agreed with Simon: forgettable. Bye, Haley.

I know I'm in the minority, but I love Phil's voice, and I think he gets better every week. His songs sound good from the beginning now, and he looks less freakish. Nice vocals! Less freakish! = All good!

Melinda was polished and perfect and looked horrifying. Her stylist must likewise hate her. ("Hmm, a short neck... I know! Let's cover it totally, so your head seems to rest ON your shoulders!") Actually, I didn't love her rendition of "Heaven Knows," but she certainly made it her own (i.e., very different from Donna Summer's version, which I can imitate in my sleep). Who knew it had a story?

Blake made Mimosa cry—she was just that moved. Or maybe sleepy, it was past her bedtime. I think I say the same thing about Blake every week: fun performance, average vocals, smart cookie.

Jordin, wow. LOVE her. HATE song.

As for Tinny McNasal (Chris R)—well, actually, he sounded a bit better last night than he usually does. But I still dislike him.

Bottom three: Some combo of LaKisha, Haley, Sanjaya, and Sligh. (It's the Stephanie thing—in the absence of a clear Final Four, it's anyone's game, and two lukewarm weeks in a row, as Kiki and Sligh have had, can really make a difference at this point.)

Going home: I really think it's Sanjaya's week, AT LAST. (see: Nadia, faux-hawk)

Lady Chardonnay (today's look: Preppy Schoolmarm) OUT.

Coincidence?

My friend Lacks Compassion's husband - the Reverend Doctor Compassion - came up with a far kinder description of Melinda Doolittle than my Easter Island description. He is not an Idol watcher (poor deluded freak) but when catching a glimpse of her he said, "She looks just like D.W.!" Now I know how he earned that doctorate - with his amazing powers of observation...

So please help out - we have Blake as Dennis the Menace, Mindy Doo/D.W. (If you say it right it even rhymes!) what other cartoon characters are in the top 10?

And now on with the show...

Lakisha sang LAST DANCE and sounded great, as usual. And looked like the firing squad was about to offer her a last cigarette, as usual.

Chris S. sang EVERY LITTLE THING SHE DOES IS MAGIC and every little thing he did annoyed me. Although he sounded fine.

My pick for the night was Miss Gina who brought it with STAND BY YOU. She was fantastic! I love her voice when she puts aside all her "rocker" bullshit and just sings.

Which brings me to Sanjaya. Oh my goodness. I don't want to fixate on the faux-hawk but my, my, my it certainly was on top of his head, wasn't it? He sang BATHWATER which I may have vaguely heard in the background at the Roller Palace which is the only place I ever hear Gwen Stefani. I think I would like the song if it weren't sung by a malnourished Foghorn Leghorn impersonator. (I don't know - there might be someone better than Foghorn for him - keep your cards and letters coming.)

Haley sang TRUE COLORS and no one seemed to like it but me. I don't think she's going to win, but she easily sang as well as Chris R. and yet the all gave him a tongue bath and told her she was pitchy. Feh...

When I hear Phil sing I'LL BE WATCHING YOU, I get a little nervous. He has that stalker-look. I am sure he is perfectly nice. Just odd looking. How shallow... He sounded great and he isn't annoying. Just light-bulb-head-y.

Melinda sang HEAVEN KNOWS which is perhaps my favorite disco song. She sounded great but it wasn't a surprise or a show like other performances she has given in the past. I'm pretty sure she's safe...

Are those the four horsemen of the apocalypse pulling into my driveway? Did I hear a Cure song on American Idol? Goodness - who thought this day would come? Blake sang LOVE SONG which is a great song. I was just so freaked out that he really sang it that I couldn't really enjoy it. He sounded fine, but he does a weird thing with his face when he is singing a ballad that makes him look like Robin Williams making fun of singers. Pick up the beat, Blake. Dance little monkey, dance...

Jordan sang something that I don't know the title of - HEY BABY BABY maybe? Again, if I didn't hear it at the Roller Palace, I didn't hear it. She was cute and bouncy and funny and she performed. There was nothing in her performance that allowed me to look away. (Or compelled me to look away as in the case of Chris S. and Sanjaya...) After Gina, she was my fave.

Why did Chris R. close the show? He was fine. He sang DON'T SPEAK adequately. B.F.D... I hate it when Idol does this manipulative garbage. They don't want Chris to be voted off so they put him at the end to keep him fresh in the mind. He just wasn't that great. He was fine. That's it. I don't think he deserves this preferential treatment.

I don't know the Gwen Stefani story that well. I know she was a fat girl in high school which makes me love her. And I like her beats. (Damn, I'm hip...) My kids used to like Hollaback Girl (this ship sells bananas - B-A-N-A-N-A-S!) but that is about as far as my knowledge goes. I hear she is a brilliant business woman and she doesn't irritate me at all the way Madonna does. But she didn't seem all that likable on the show. She was like substitute teacher whereas Lulu was like the chorus teacher who writes you the recommendation letter that gets you into Berklee. It kind of creeped my son out that she is so hot and yet is only a couple of years younger than his auntie (who is only a couple of years younger than me!). The elderly should not be so easy on the eyes.

Good grief, I have said enough. I look forward, as ever, to Sanjaya leaving. But my money is on Phil, Haley or (dare I say it?) Lakeshia.

Brunie, OUT!

Blake Re-Defined

A list-serv I am on was discussing Idol and Ginny posted the following:

"Hmmph. I don't really ever need to hear a "fresh" version of the classic and unparalleled ~Time of the Season~. And especially not when it's sung by a guy who reminds me vaguely of Dennis the Menace."

And now all I can see is Blake in little red overalls.

If You're Going to Bump It - Bump it With a Trumpet...

Remember Gypsy - the musical about the burlesque act with the overbearing mother played by Ethel Merman, Roz Russell or Bette Midler - depending on how old or obsessed you are? It has a song called "You've Got to Have a Gimmick" and it is certainly the case on Idol.

Our easily definable top ten are:

Beatbox Blake
Babymama Lakeshia
Background-no-more Melinda
Funny Chris
Timberlakey Chris
Bald-dad Phil
Baby Jordyn
Rockin' Gina
Formerly-hated-hot Haley
Making-the-little-girls-cry-with-love-and-everyone-else-cry-for-entirely-different-reasons Sanjaya

And going home - Stephanie. Hopefully she learned her lesson - being classy is not enough.

And in conclusion, last night Lady Char mocked me for my "constant flogging of TiVo" to which I reply, "Bite me!" And also - I managed to watch last night's entire episode - up to the last commercial break - during the very commercial break during which I turned on the the television! I will not be a slave to padding, Peter Noone's scarily insincere singing and the Ford pimp-o-mercial (trademark TWoP) - I fast forward like the wind to the good parts. And then I go back and watch Lulu whenever I want. Thank you TiVo.

Brunie (looking at America's voting record and getting grossed-) OUT!

The Lady Is a Champ

Here's to Miss Stephanie, a class act, super trouper, and first-class talent. She accomplished what very few previously invisible Idolettes are able to do—outshining the better-known Alaina and (particularly) Antonella to make the Top 12—and you only do that with talent and charisma. She never sang badly, and she was completely adorable to the end. (Unlike Chris R, who maintained an I-could-barf-at-any-time grimace throughout the entire Moment of Judgment.) I'm sorry she didn't make the Top 10, and I will miss her.

America, you are one sneaky bitch, and that's all I have to say about that.

(Mimosa is sad to lose another personal favorite, but with a little coaxing from Momma, she has transferred her affections to Jordin. A safer bet, all around.)

Cheers to you, Stephanie. I look forward to your next act.

Lady Chardonnay, resigned and OUT.

America the stupidful

Ya know, America can be so great. Brave. Generous. Kind. Also, incredibly stupid and lame.It is so very annoying to have to look at Sanjaya, Haley, Gina and Phil for another week, instead of the lovely and actually talented Stephanie. That was crap. Crap crap crap. Crap!

Bad America! Bad!

No hugs or kisses for you,
Mrs. Cynicletary

Jordin on My Mind

Stepping farther out on the limb already holding Mrs. Cynicletary ("The winner this year will be a black woman"), I'm predicting that Miss Teen Sensation will take it all. The two powerhouse women, LaKisha and Melinda, have drawbacks; Kiki's range is somewhat limited (besides her power notes, which are truly great, there's not much else in her bag o' tricks), and Melinda, who can sing the heck out of anything, can also be . . . just a little boring, as we saw last night. Jordin hasn't had an off night yet and is also thinnish and beautiful, with a head and neck of reasonable size, and yes, I do think America is just that shallow. And this isn't to say that Jordin's not deserving, I think she's fabulous. We shall see.

That was a great show. No one was terrible, and those who were good were really, really good. "To Sir With Love" is my karaoke song, so I loved seeing Lulu. And I don't know what the history is with Simon and Peter Noone, but Peter seemed to be getting on Simon's every last nerve, which was delightful to watch. Big fun all around.

Haley and Sanjaya, you crazy kids, I salute you. You have to know that you're the weakest of the girls and boys, respectively, which means that you need to pull out all the stops right now. And you did! Good for you. Which doesn't mean that you're not going home tonight, but still. You can be proud of yourselves.

My girl Gina, I don't know. I think it's time for her to mix it up a little: wear a great dress, look beautiful, and sing a power ballad. She scored with "All By Myself" and hasn't been as successful with the rocker-chick songs. It's time to remind America that she actually does have a good voice.

I'm worried about Stephanie, too. I thought she sounded wonderful, made the song her own (she sang it very differently from Dusty), and really conveyed the emotion—and then got panned by the judges. Is it me or is it them?

Phil sang a song I don't know at all, but he kept me entertained. He's gotten a lot better at beginning a song. Alas, I don't think Phil is long for this Idol world.

Blake gave a great performance, but his vocals were weak. If you listened with your eyes closed, it was nothing to write home about.

Sligh was fine, if unmemorable.

Chris R still sings all in his nose. I really dislike his voice. Alas, the ladies seem to love him.

So, bottom three? I was two-for-three last week, let's see if I can stay on this particular roll. I think it will be Phil, Sanjaya, and Stephanie, with Phil going home. Boo-hoo!

Lady Chardonnay (today's look: Fresh-Scent Preschool Teacher) OUT.

They're learning...

Now that was a pretty good show! Like Brunie, I must say that I did not hate Sanjaya and Phil and Haley as much as usual. I do still hate them though. Haley is still just like a beauty pageant contestant, except this time more Pussycat Doll than Miss America. Sanjaya was just AWFUL, but I hated him less for some reason. Maybe because he sang louder than a whisper, but the Kinks who are still alive must be mor-ti-fied!Phil was OK, not great, not terrible, but I still don't like him, and I think he will leave within 2-3 weeks. And did he like drool on his shirt, or spill come coke product before he sang? What was that splatter all over the front of him? Maybe he hugged that crying little girl at rehearsal.

As usual, I liked Chris R. , but even more so last night. His voice is pure and it was lovely to see him mostly just stand there and sing well.

Stefanie was kinda off this week. The song was too low for her and it was just boring, really. Too bad - she is talented.

Blake was fantastic!!! I love that song! He looked super cool and hot simultaneously. GO Blake!He could release that song today and it would be a hit.

Kiki was just ok for me this week, dawg. I kept saying , "Sing You're my World, choose that song!" But she sang the diamonds song anyway. She's great, but she chose poorly.

Wow Jordyn - awesome! She stood and delivered. Best girl of the night!

Gina sounded bad. She was flat for almost the whole song. As a rocker, she is inauthentic.

Chris Sligh sounded better this week, but Dude, NEVER DANCE. NEVER. And put the mike stand down when you get back to the stage, don't just hold on to it throughout the ending of the song! It was good to hear another great Zombie's song, like the one Blake sang. I bet more than a few folks download some old Zombies hits today.

I like Melinda's new hairdo. And she wore a flattering low v-neck shirt with jeans. She looked younger and I think I saw her neck for the first time. I didn't love the song, but her voice is perfect.

All in all a rockin' good show. I thought that Peter Noones and especially Lulu really helped the kids. This is the part of the competition that I really like - when the professional instruction really starts to show, especially with the less-experienced singers. I love to see the progress the kids make as they get used to the big stage and really learn the craft of singing.

And I think that crying little girl will not be beat up as Brunie contests, but will be a little damp hero at her school for getting a hug from each Idol contestant, and for getting like $2 million worth of air time for herself.

Maybe Sanjaya will go because Simon tried hard not to say anything about him at all. If not him, I would be happy to say good bye to Haley or Phil or Gina.

Love & kisses,
Mrs. Cynicletary

I'll give you something to cry about...

This was a weird little show tonight.

What kind of crazy world is this where I like Haley and Sanjaya? Well, “like” is a strong word, but I was completely and utterly entertained by both of them! I also enjoyed Phil singing TOBACCO Road. I can’t stand a one of those three, but I was riveted nonetheless. Shocking. It wasn't really a quality issue - there was a train wreck component. But still...

And I was quite bored by Lakeshia and Gina who I usually really like. Although with Kiki, it was all song choice. Diamonds are forever, indeed. Gina was just too much.

DAMN! Jordin Sparks was spectacular. I am not entirely familiar with the song, but she sold the hell out of it and looked absolutely splendid doing it.

And I liked Chris R - of all people. Funniest description about him on TwoP “He's just so unfortunate. So...People's Court. He's like, maybe he has a baby in another state that he never gets to see, and sometimes when he's had a few beers he cries about it.”

Chris Sligh? I am off him. But he did sound great tonight. He is one where I feel better about how he sounds when I am not looking at him. Not the weight thing, but the pursiness of the lips. Ewwww… And I always feel like he is irritating. So I guess that, in fact, makes him irritating.

I don’t remember much about Stephanie. I don’t suppose that is any kind of good sign. And while I know in my head that Melinda was great, I just wasn’t that thrilled.

It’s a topsy-turvey world. I feel like crying all through the show. Like that little girl who is going to be completely mocked and beat-up when she gets back to her school. Now she was crying at the beginning of the show. She cried during Sanjaya (and they tried to make it look all Beatles-at-Shea-Stadium-y, but that doesn't work when it is the same girl over and over!) and then she cried over Melinda, and she cried all over the end! Good grief. Maybe her cat died today, maybe she has some issues. It isn't always about you IDOL! (Of course that has not kept me from creating the above photo-collage. It took a lot of time and several tools and it still looks like crap. But you'll look at it and like it because I worked hard.)

Brunie (with the refreshing sense of a job well done) OUT!

With Deepest Sympathy

Please check out the heartfelt sentiments of the card that my friend Mademoiselle Vin Rouge sent after last night's shocking dismissal. It seems to be affecting no one as deeply as it is affecting me.

Before I dive into my personal pain I would like to thank M'me Vin Rouge, Frau Riesling, Millie Light and the Professor and MaryAnn (backwards) who brought food rather than hooch to the Idol viewing soiree I had Tuesday evening. We drank, ate delicious food (that was fortuitously prepared by people who are not me) and massacred some classic songs on PS2 AI Karaoke Revolution. And Mr. Crow cleaned the house in preparation! A fine time was had by all. (Except Mr. Crow because he cleaned and had some cake but still hates Idol with the passionate intensity of a thousand burning suns. I may be joining him...)

I liked Lady Char's surprises and I essentially share her thoughts. Except for Phil - he still did very little for me. And I kind of liked Chris (not the Sligh). He didn't sound that great, but he was peppy. And hell, we know this is no stinking singing competition. And I didn't think Brandon was that bad. He was weaker than usual, but he is the only cute boy singer, dammit! Sanjaya still stinks, Blake still has he finger on the pulse of a wild, sexy happening generation and I am finished with the boys. They are all dead to me.

The girls were once again so far superior that they really shouldn't sit near the boys. Lakeshia and Melinda were spectacular. Jordan and Stephanie sounded wonderful as usual. I have to say that I preferred Lakeshia and Stephanie solely on the basis of knowing their songs. Hey, I am just as stupid as the rest of America!

My Surprises were Gina and Haley. I don't think either of them has a snowball's chance but they charmed me this week. Gina looked cute and strutty in her mysteriously shiny gray pants. She sounded good, she looked fantastic. The song is dull as dirt and shouldn't really be sung by anyone not willing to wear chiffon and a bouffant - but I didn't feel the bile rising in my throat so yay Gina.

And Haley completely charmed me. I was not surprised that she wasn't in the bottom three. She sounded better than ever. [In the interest of full disclosure, "Missing You" is my favorite Diana Ross song - Sanjaya could have sung it and I would have smiled dreamily into space remembering my sweet Long Island girlhood in the '80s, when big hair was big hair and we weren't entirely sure that disco was dead.] And her little collapse at the end and her heartfelt plea of "Okay, Simon said something nice, please send me home now..." went unheeded by the voters. Your own fault for being awesome this week, Haley. Because she was. Except for the unforgivable word forgetting. I have always been more forgiving than most.

But if Sanjaya is still here next week, my wrath will be great.

Brunie, OUT!

I Hear a Symphony!

Ask for Motown, and Lady C gets Motown. Thank you, American Idol! I had a lovely evening.

Not much to say about it all, though. The stars (Melinda, LaKisha, Stephanie, Jordin) shone brightly. The not-ready-for-prime-time players (Sanjaya) continued to underwhelm. Everyone else...well, actually, there were some surprises. (Read on!)

Surprise #1: Brandon. I generally think of him as having the strongest male voice, and maybe, objectively, he does, but I don't think he's ready for the big leagues after all. He's just not an exciting performer, which is too bad. Bye, Brandon.

Surprise #2: Chris Sligh picked..."Endless Love"? Seriously? I about fell over when he said it, so sure was I that he was joking. How could he sing that song without irony? (My BFF Lady Darcy and I, for fun, had a mock wedding our sophomore year, and our vows largely comprised the lyrics to "Endless Love." They work great as wedding vows. Though at one point I know I also said, "Ooh ooh. Crazy little thing called love." It was a killer wedding.) Also, he really, really, really needs to wear his glasses. Not his best night, for sure (though I still liked his voice).

Surprise #3: I crossed every finger and toe that I have, wishing that my girl Gina would choose "Love Child," which I thought a can't-miss combo of song and songstress. And yet—it kind of missed. Very shouty. Not poignant. Disappointing!

Surprise #4: Simon said something nice to Haley! Did you see her sweet astounded face? I know she'll not be staying long, but I was happy for her. (And I thought she did pretty well, actually, before she committed her cardinal sin. Ah, well. Bye, Haley.)

Surprise #5: Phil managed to sound good at the beginning of a song, for once! I thought he was spot on. Best male performance of the night.

Surprise #6: Despite all his skills and smartness, which are boundless, Blake didn't have the first clue what his song was about. Don't bop around the stage when you're singing about anguish, my friend. Too much disconnect.

Surprise #7: Simon FINALLY realizes that Chris R has a terrible voice! I'm not sure what he's been hearing up till now, but still—we're together on this, at last.

I expect Brandon, Haley, or Sanjaya to go home tonight—we'll see.

Lady Chardonnay (today's look: Yuppie Coed) OUT.